City: Beautiful San Fernando Valley
State: CA
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/1/2006
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November 2, 2009 - Monday
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Current mood:  busy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) MOTR BLOG:
* Jennifer angry! * Jennifer smash! * DAMMIT!
****
Why why why why why is Kojii always with the losing designer? Why?!
Kojii: "Dammiiiiiiiiit, Logan." Logan: "Tell me about it."
Logan was auf'd even though Kojii worked that piece of Judy Jetson fuselage as though she were wearing the latest and greatest design from Paris.
She MADE this (horrible) outfit seem actually wearable.
Kojii: "Dammit, this is hard work making you look good."Logan: "No, I'm just this good looking on my own." Kojii: "...Never mind..."
Sigh....
One weird thing that came out of the elimination though was that Gordana blamed Matar's drab look on having, "too much hair." WHAT?! How 'bout you styled it fugly, hmm?
 "Dammit, I'm better than this."
I wish I had the problem of "too much hair." That's like having the problems of "too much money," "too much love," and "too many dogs." Seriously.
In a sound bite, Katie reminds us that Logan is a person and that's why everyone had a crush on him.
Uh...sure.
 Logan: "I'm people on the inside, dammit."Carol Hannah: "Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Soylent Green, let's rut."
On the runway, Heidi congratulates the models for doing a fabulous job. She especially calls out Kojii for her commitment to selling Logan's atrocious outfit.
"Damn, the Kraut thinks I'm good! Hooray!"
Heidi asks the girls if there's any drama any more. Tanisha tells her that "the drama left."
OH thee of little faith, Tanisha... For behold the hurricane that's about to hit... Katie.
 "Damn girls, you have NO idea what you're in for."
Katie tells us in a soundbite that double stick tape is not allowed as it compromises the outfits the designers' made. Apparently, Kaylin was having a problem with Meana Irina's dress backstage before the show:
 Kaylin: "What happened to my nipples? Dammit! Are they gone forevers!"
Kaylin INSISTS that she took the tape off after the producers told her to. But seriously, how do you go from the above picture to the runway without the help of double stick tape?
 "Gravity, be damned!"
Hmmmm. Those boobs seem suspiciously secure, yes?
Back in the lounge, Tanisha gets "Dr. Phil" on Katie and asks her about her body language.
 "I don't like damn liars. And I shaved my pits.Thought I'd show them off a bit."
 Kaylin: "Aren't dams native to Holland, Katie? I'm not Hollandian."Katie: "Holy dammit balls I want to hurt you."
Katie lets Kaylin know that she knows the tape was used and that if Kaylin gets to Bryant Park, she'll be pissed.
I'd be pissed too... who knows which designer would have been auf'd had the outfit not been taped.
OR...
Would that be an instant disqualification for Kaylin for breaking the rules?
Hmmmmm...
Back at the models' abode, Matar laments about her hair being too big. (That's what she said!) So she straightens it so as to be appealing to Gordana.
I wish I had these problems.... sigh....
ELMINATION DAY!
(I don't have a picture to illustrate this, but anybody else find it suspicious that Heidi wears the same dress and hairstyle for the debriefing of the models on the runway after the runway show... and then the NEXT day for the model elimination? Anybody? Am I alone?)
Sadly, elimination is predictable and frustrating given the Kaylin situation.
Althea stays with Tanisha Carol Hannah choses Lisa Christopher love love loves his Katie Meana sticks (HA!) with Kaylin Gordana makes it seem like she's going Kojii... but then choses Matar.
 "Dammit. Insert sad face here."
Crap.
"Where did all these damn clothes come from...?"
 "I hope nobody notices that I'm smuggling Logan home.Damn, those bowed legs take up some ROOM."
Kojii: "Dammit, I hate good-byes!" Matar: "I'm so upset, I forgot to put on my damn pants."
 Kojii: "Who is Jennifer (Eolin) going to make fun of now?"Jennifer (Eolin) - off screen: "DAMMIT!"
****
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November 1, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  awake
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Guidelines to reading Jennifer (Eolin's) Project Runway Blog:
* This episode made Jennifer yell at her TV like a crazy woman * Jennifer is not crazy (mostly) * Jennifer is single * Logan is a man * Jennifer gets lonely * Nuff said
*****
LAST WEEK on Project Runway:
Nicolas was FINALLY auf'd because he's a no talent ninny pants. Nothing else happened. It was a solid hour of nothing. But at least I caught up on my sleep.
******
We open on the guys' apartment and already I spot enormous problems:
1) Logan has clothes ON 2) Logan is NOT cooking bacon 3) Christopher is still there 4) Jennifer should be there instead of Christopher 5) Jennifer should date more. Like at least once a year. 6) Sigh...
And at one minute into the show, I know Logan is leaving because he's got the "I'm going home" slot sound bite. So after a lot of stomping around and worrying that this means Kojii will be auf'd too... I finally settle back into the couch (with booze) to finish watching the remaining 59 minutes of the show. (Which I think Season 6 of PR is the new waterboarding. Too soon?)
Over in the girls' apartment, they are wearing clothes. At this point, I notice that whoever edited this show has a foot fetish. Did anybody else notice the INSANE amount of shoe/foot shots that were peppered throughout the episode? Interesting... And kinky.
Irina tells us that she's really happy that there are so many women left in the competition because the industry is dominated by men and "it sucks." Althea calls out Christopher, Logan and Gordana as the weakest links... Sad to say, I think she's right. I think Bryant Park is going to be Althea, CH and Crabby Pants. Oops, Irina.
THE CHALLENGE:
The designers are made to sit with their backs to the runway. I think, "Okay, it's a mob challenge and they are going to make outfits to be executed in. Odd, but I'm on board. I hope someone has to make spats out of old margarine containers."
Sigh. No such luck. Nuts.
The designers turn around and they are faced with their winning designs. (Except for Logan. Since he never won, he has to take his clothes off. I KID! They selected his dress from the very first challenge - which honestly is a dress I don't even remember.)
"Wouldn't it have been nice to Lifetime to post your old outfits on their photo page? HMM? Or a shot of them on the runway? Hmm? Instead, enjoy looking at my dress, because the next time you see me, your retinas will BURN and you will WISH you were being executed instead."
Heidi challenges them to turn them into Kabuki garments so that she, Tim, Nina, Michael and the interns can put on a play for the designers. (I WISH!) Instead she tells them to create a companion piece that compliments and enhances their best runway look. Wha-wah. Don't get me wrong, this is a good challenge.... but it's boring after 934850394583 "make a dress out of real fabric" challenges. (To whom do I pitch the Kabuki challenge to? Seriously, I want names.)
In the work room, Tim Gunn waits with jaded breath for the designers. He tells them they have 30 minutes to sketch, a budget of $100 and that they only have until midnight to complete their looks.
Althea: "Carol Hannah and I are, like, totally twins!" Carol Hannah: "I'm skinnier." Christopher: "OH snap."
Gordana: "I promise I'm not laughing at your pee-pee dance, Irina." Logan: "I'm laughing on the inside."
Off to Mood! 30 minutes to shop...
Tim Gunn: "Remember, designers, you need to... um.. you need to... LOGAN. Your 'pencil' is distracting me. Greatly."
Tim Gunn: "Is there an 'H'?" Althea: "Nope." Tim Gunn: "You know, I hate playing Hangman. I never win."
Tim Gunn: "Carol Hannah, I assert that if I had a newspaper I'd smack you on the nose, young lady. NO. BAD. NO. Now go sit in the corner. Daddy's mad."
Tim Gunn: "Listen, Ricky, I mean Christopher, just go away. You anger me. And why on earth is your beard like that? Does your upper lip have a hair phobia?" Christopher: "I haven't learned how to grow hair there." Tim Gunn: "I can actually taste my disdain for you."
THANK YOU MOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
WORKROOM:
Carol Hannah can't really figure out what she wants to do. Her winning the design is the black sequin/feather gown from the Bob Mackie challenge. So in order to think, she gets a cup of coffee. (For real, that's not me being an ass.)
Irina yammers about her winning Aspen look from the Michael "Lame Ass" Kors challenge the week previous. She's going for an "office look." Um, okay? I know people go to work in Aspen, but I'd make a snowsuit before I make something for the office.
Althea is making a piece to go with her "winning" look that was a pair of black diaper pants and that came with a free-range boob shirt. Honestly, I thought the look was a hot mess. So now she's making the same outfit, but with longer pants and a sweater instead of a jacket.
"Buuuuuh. I' will love it and sew it and I will call it fashion."
Now. I don't have a picture of this (and "screen captures" off Tivo eludes me) but there's a shot of Logan walking and... is his "pencil" causing his legs to bow? Is there so much real estate being taken up in his pants that he has to walk like that? (A girl can dream...) Or does the boy have rickets? Either way, I'm here to help. Whatever you need, Logan.
Ahem....
OH MY GOD. We come back from commercial to 2 solid minutes of "I'm so lucky to be here" and "Oh my bobbins, Bryant Park is so close!" BOOOO! STOP FILLING TIME WITH EMPTINESS! BOOOOO!
Christopher is making a dress out of 30 yards of lining as he loves volume. (Except in his beard. BOO-YAH.)
TIM GUNN CRITIQUES:
"I am so going to Cabo when this is over."
Carol Hannah is up first. She tells Tim her dress is a big scary mess to wit, he replies, "You're not going to get an argument from me." He then figures it all out for her with the fabric and then convinces her she thought of it. Whatever! Favorites, Tim! It's obvious! (But really, I can't blame him...)
Tim Gunn: "My God, I'm a hulking brute next to you, you tiny thing you. Hmmm... Methinks we should do this more often. I feel like a bear!"
Next he humors Irina. She yaks about a skirt and top but then tells him about her repeat sweater look along with a dress. Whatever. Shut up, Kenley!
Christopher tells Tim how he's revisiting his last dress, but longer. Tim is concerned as his winning look is youthful and his new look is matronly.
Althea is next. Tim just calls a spade a spade re: the pants: "I'm concerned about the transition between the tight fit at the bottom to the volume up at the waist line, because right now it looks like its waiting for a diaper." BUWHAHAHHAHAA! Amen.
Tim Gunn: "I'm standing over here because you do nothing for my figure."
Next, Logan! Tim greets him with: "Logan! I'm excited already!" (Insert pencil joke here. Tee hee - I said "insert.") He tells Tim that he's going crazy and pumping up the volume with... zippers. He's making the collar completely out of zippers. At this point, Althea lets us know that his collar matches something else she's made this season already. (Really? You had a zipper collar on the Christina Aguilera challenge? Boy wouldn't it have been nice of the producers to point that out in THAT episode so I would know what she's referencing NOW???)
Gordana shows Tim a very sad and tired, matronly jacket and dress based off the Divorcee (Pre-Loved!) challenge. Tim is not wowed.
Meanwhile... Irina and Althea are quietly bitching about Logan ripping off Althea's zipper collar. Althea says: "I hate Logan." Irina counters with: "I've taught you well, Grasshopper." (She doesn't, but she thinks it...)
There are 4 1/2 hours left in the day.... Tim tells them to fit their models and use their time well. Irina comments that Christopher's dress looks like one dress throwing up another. I can't concentrate on what's happening here as there are a lot of naked model shots here and I'm like, "Wow, I need to exercise. A lot."
Althea continues her rampage against Logan: "He thinks just because he's cut he can do whatever he wants." Um, yes. You're in LA. That's doctrine here. Get with it.
The models leave and everyone panics as time is really tight. (Tee hee - I said "tight." Sorry, I got nothing here...)
MIDNIGHT! Pumpkin carriage awaits... or a yellow cab. Either.
RUNWAY MORNING:
Okay, so STILL no bacon but at least Logan is wearing his silver jeans. HUBBA.
In the workroom, everyone scurries to get done. Christopher has about 100 petals to sew onto his dress. YEEKS! I actually worry that he won't finish and actually have the slightest hope that HE'S going home, not Logan. But then I remembered, "Logan had the 'auf'd' sound bite slot. Sigh. Pooop."
Gordana realizes she needs a hook and eye and Irina won't even humor her. We then get the sound bite of "I'm not here to make friends." OH TRITENESS. Logan lets us know that Irina's nickname is "Meana Irina." (Really? Was Asshole Princess taken?)
"Let's just get this over with, shall we?"
Althea continues her tear and rips into Carol Hannah for never making anything other than dresses. (To be fair, Althea issued an apology for her bitchiness on in the internet this week - so she's aware of how she came off and apologized.) But man, she really was painted her the villain this week!
Hair and make-up time!
Kojii: "Ooooh, no. A pic of me in the chair? Oh I'm so going home..." Dude: "Shhh, just hold the hairspray. I'm creating back here!"
RUNWAY:
Gosh I can't imagine why we didn't get a full body pic of Heidi in her HIDEOUS outfit! Seriously. A ringleader jacket, a "Talbots" blouse and silver culottes that make her thighs look HUGE. (PS - She ain't huge.) Her stylist should be EXECUTED! (If only the designers were making outfits for that! BAH!)
The judges this week are former PR alum and FIDM teacher, Nick Verreos, Nina Garcia and actress Kerry Washington.
"It's okay, I don't know who I am either."
TOP 2:
CAROL HANNAH: This was my fave look this episode. And what you can't see in this photo is the dress has pockets! SQUEEE! I love dresses with pockets. So stylish and functional. I also love the "old Hollywood" styling that Carol Hannah has done with Lisa. It really fits her model and her dress. Bravo! (Lifetime!)
The judges love it too. I was really sad that she didn't win. But I'm just glad that someone else also didn't win....
IRINA:
HAHAHHAA! Irina didn't win! HAHAHHHAHHAHHAAA! Sigh. Thank you, Thor.
She now calls this an "evening look." Nicolas thinks it's "uptown chic." They all love the elegant/cozy factor of the look. But Nina hates the fabric of the dress. Heidi points out that she's the only one who didn't like it. (REMEMBER: This is the lady who LIKED the neoprene squid ink accident dress. So there you have it.)
WINNER:
ALTHEA:  F'ING HELL. I know she's wearing pasties (as she says so in Models of the Runway), but SWEET WATER BALLOONS, wrangle those things in! PLEASE! It's not a good look. It looks like they are trying to escape. And this WON. Whatever. Heidi LOVES this look, which basically ensured Althea the win. Whatever Heidi likes, Heidi gets.
The judges bring up: "Who has the big sweater first? You or Irina?" OH MY! Never mind Logan's zipper collar which none of the judges (Heidi) remembered seeing before. Irina nails Althea by telling everyone that she made the original oversized sweater last week. She goes on to say that there's been a lot of "inspiration" going on in the workroom. I hate to say it, but true!
BOTTOM 2:
GORDANA: Awwww! Poor Matar! This beautiful, young girl looks like she's a million years old and unfortunate looking. And I keep waiting to hear her say, "Where's the beef?"
But moreover.... WHAT IS WITH THE POLIO SHOES, GORDANA? NOT PRETTY.
Gordana thinks that this has an element of edginess but with elegance. Say wha--? None of the judges like it, nor do they enjoy what she's done to Matar. Heidi lets her know Matar looks old and drab. Nicolas comments, "She looks like an office worker in Nassau, Poland."
CHRISTOPHER:
Katie makes this bedskirt look good! I wish the white junk wasn't there and it was just the top black part as the dress. I think that would have been stunning. This is just... not working.
(But Christopher is wearing a hoodie on the runway, so I gotta heart him even though he makes me a little crazy...)
Nina hates the proportion of this and calls her a "carnival float." Nobody else likes it. Whatsherface repeats what Irina said in the workroom, but with more class: "I think you have two dresses there." Amen.
AUF'D:
LOGAN:  DAMMIT, LOGAN! You know I heart you but what is this mess??? Why does it look like she has bra straps falling down her arms. WHAT in blazes is that "skirt"? Is your bad case of rickets interfering with your thinking? Do you need more calcium? Vitamin D? What? Mama's here to help because I AM WORRIED THAT YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD.
He pitches it as a VMA's dress w/ Pink in it. (I'm thinking more Lady Gaga.) The judges are actually laughing - they hate it that much. Nina calls it a student project, Nicolas says it looks 80's (and in that way that you know he means the 'bad' 80's) but at the same time has a futuristic Judy Jetson thing going on. Heidi says she didn't mean for him to do THIS when she said, "Pump it up."
Sigh..... So off goes our beautiful, wonderful Logan into the fashion great beyond.
He says in his exit bite that, "I'm not a designer that's for middle America or 90% of the population." UMMM... you may want to work on that. I'm not saying start making sweatshirts with collars that has a kitten frolicking on it, but if you want to sell clothes and eat food, you may want to expand. Just a bit. But I still heart you. Let me know when you start designing hoodies. I'll buy them in bulk.
****
Models of the Runway blog coming out soon!
(It's 1am... well, midnight cuz we get to 'fall back' but this biddy is tired and needs her beauty rest. LOTS of beauty rest.)
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October 28, 2009 - Wednesday
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Current mood:  amused
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) MOTR BLOG:
* If you don't know me by now, I seriously can't help you. * I'm not kidding. * You are a lost soul.
***
The Auf'ing...  Kojii: "WHY is my designer ALWAYS auf'd? Why?I'm Irish! I am 'good luck' by nature! Stupid America. Where's my whiskey?"
 Goodbye, Nicolas. YOU HOODIE HATING MONSTER FACE! I kid! I kid!
Actually... No. No I don't kid.
To quote Robin Hood: Men in Tights: "Good riddance to bad rubbish."
"Please don't tell Jennifer (Eolin) that Robin Hood doesn't actually wear a hoodie. She will have a heart attack. Plus she thinks I'm her king, and I'm okay with that. Hubba hubba."
Happy travels, Nicolas. Here's a little parting gift for your troubles:
 "Go Greece Lightening!"
No need to thank me, Nicolas. No need.
Moving on...
On the runway, Katie lets us know that when she's been to Greece she never saw ladies wearing pants-- especially out of MEN'S DRESS SUIT MATERIAL-- cuz it's "hot as hell there."
 Katie: "Nicolas is whack, yo. Fo sho."
Back home, the models let off some steam:  Matar: "Has this show jumped the shark yet?"Kaylin: "Does Jane Fonda poop in the woods?"
(NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Katie is now giving soundbites in an outfit that we've not seen yet... making me believe that it's from a future episode, and that she's safe... therefore telling me the outcome of the next show. STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
The next day, the models are sent to burlesque class!
Katie: "I love boas."
Tanisha: "Really? I'm afraid of snakes..."
Dammit, I am such a biddy.
While watching the girls do this, I pulled a muscle just sitting here. There's now way I could do this. My hips don't swing. They just walk in a moderately straight line. And crack and pop. But that's it. I ain't got no shimmy shimmy coco puffs.
 Matar: "It's not armpit hair, Jennifer (Eolin)! It's shadow!"
 Raise your hands if you're Sure!
I guess I'm obsessed with armpit humor today?
 "I like this modeling thing. Thank you, genetics!"
ELIMINATION DAY:
The girls get ready... all in their own way.
 "Nicolas taught me how to use concealer."
 "Go as Yoda for Halloween, I will. Yeees!"
Kojii, worried about being sent home, instead focuses on the positive side of it. If she's sent home, she can see her daughter and family again!  "I need to bring me lucky charms."
And I'd like to give the elimination a holiday themed name: "Pumpkin Picking Day!"
Tee hee!
 "If I never hear the words Pumpkin Pie again, it will still be too soon."
Heidi lets the designers know they can choose whomever they want, unlike the last weeks where they HAD to switch it up.
Irina chooses Kaylin Gordana picks Matar Carol Hannah goes back with her model, Lisa Althea goes back to Tanisha Christopher loves his Katie!
Sigh... KOJII is in the bottom again?!? Somebody explain this to me.
Logan has to pick between the two. (When did he become the new Epperson??)
Logan chooses.... Kojii.
Bye, Celine...  "Crud."
I feel bad for Kojii as she's always chosen over the auf'd model, and that can be really hard to deal with, I think. I don't think I'd deal with it well. (But then again I don't deal well when I am out of cheese.)  "Listen, lady. I may be 4 inches shorter than you, but I love you this much."
 "I hear the New Old Biddy has this exact dress in green.I also hear she fills it out a bit more. Neener, neener, NOB! No bra slop for me!"
NEXT WEEK ON MOTR:
The claws come out! It's the last challenge before Bryant Park!
AHHHHH!
 | Currently listening:
The Fame
By Lady Gaga
Release date: 2008-10-28 |
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October 25, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  bored
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES FOR READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Jennifer has over 9 years of experience as a reality show producer/writer * Jennifer has a short fuse * Jennifer is also unemployed * Ergo, Jennifer is a hot mess and you can't take anything she says seriously... except when she criticizes leggings. Cuz she seriously means that, ya'll.
****
Last week on Project Runway:
We were all bored to tears. Zzzzz....
The designers had to make an outfit in the style of Trashy Vegas--oops, Bob Mackie-- for Lady Gaga. Wasn't it? OH right, it was her tranny cousin, Christina Aguilera.
Carol Hannah chalks up her first win! And Shirin is auf'd for absolutely NO GOOD REASON. Nicolas made a repeat of his Ice Queen outfit and is still there. WHY??? Christopher is still there despite being in the bottom countless times. WHY???
And last, but not least, Ebony was auf'd during their recess inspired "Model Kickball" team line-up.
Dammit, kids, this season blow donkey bits. WHY AM I OUT OF BAILEY'S?!?
****
When I turned on Project Runway this week all I could think was, "Wow I'm tired. Do I have a hangnail? I gotta do laundry tomorrow. Oh and I should dust. (zones out for 13 minutes while focusing on a spec on the ceiling that turns out to be a dead spider which turns out to be dust) Did my dog just toot? Why am I single? Do I need a new hoodies? WHY ISN'T PROJECT RUNWAY OVER YET???"
Sigh....
I have to admit it. This episode bored the living bone marrow out of me. How is Bunim/Murray doing it? How are they filling a whole hour with absolutely NOTHING??? I know people said things, and clothes were made. BUT HOLY OYSTER SHUCKERS. So little content. So little anything. They went to Rodeo Drive and I was BORED. They could have gone to Big Lots, same excitement level. ANGRY FISTS!
Sooooooooooooo. Since I have NOTHING to say about the nothing that happened, I'm doing a photo-cap blog again. About nothing.
"But I love shows about nothing!"
The designers are taken on a "field trip" to Rodeo Drive to Michael Kors store. (Say "Michael Kors Store" 3 times fast.) As you can see, the excitement is palpable. Nicolas: "My concealer can't hide my disappointment." Carol Hannah: "I wish I was standing next to Logan." Althea: "Where am I?" Irina: "I'm in front of all you bitches for a reason. Cuz I'm awesome." Logan: "I'm standing next to myself. God I'm hot."
Gordana: "I have immunity, I have-- oh crap." Christopher: "I still ain't go no learnin'! But I'm wearing a hoodie, wheeee!!"
Tim Gunn: "Designers, Disco Pumpkin has graciously let us into his west coast flagship here on the pretentiously horrid Rodeo Drive." Michael Kors: "Hi, guys. I'm stupid hungover today after a bender at Sky Bar with Garcia. So no talkie so loudy."
Michael issues the challenge of using the locales that have inspired Michael Kors over the years to design something either "real" or "imaginary." (Nicolas immediately started drawing unicorns...)
Tim Gunn: "Michael, this is neither the time nor the place for family photos. Nobody cares."
Each designer gets to pick a different location:
Carol Hannah picks Palm Beach Nicolas passes on NYC and chooses Greece Althea picks St. Tropez Gordana takes NYC Irina chooses Aspen Christopher picks Santa Fe Logan ends up with Hollywood
30 minutes to sketch!
Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages.Time to grab your crayons and your pencils! Picture pages, picture pages, open up your picture pages, And now it's time for Tim Gunn to do a picture page with you!
Off to Mood!
Tim Gunn: "Kids, you have $150 and one day to complete this disasterously boring challenge. Don't muck it up! Nicolas, I'm looking at you, young man."
Christopher: "What are you going to make?"
Gordana: "I don't know yet."Christopher: "Me either. I just know it'll be ugly."
Logan: "Damn, that's a mighty fine dress form."Carol Hannah: "He's just not that into me. But it's okay, cuz I read the book and I know I'm a stone-cold fox who deserves more. LOGAN LOOK AT ME I AM RIGHT HERE, DAMMIT!!!!"
Irina: "This is where I want to kick Althea. Right here."
"Sigh. I'm asking for more money next season."
Tim Gunn: "Who let you in this competition?"Althea: "I don't know. I just showed up." Tim Gunn: "That makes sense to me."
Tim Gunn: "For the love of God, must I do this myself?"
Irina: "I don't need you."
Tim Gunn: "You can't have me."Irina: "Good, because I don't care." Tim Gunn: "Well that makes two of us."
Irina: "I'm going to win, you know."
Tim Gunn: "Who are you, Fox News during an election year? Shut it, already."
Atreyu: "Falcor! We must fight The Nothing! The Swamps of Sadness have taken over the show!" Falcor: "I know, Atreyu, but first, noogies."
Nicolas: "I made gray pants. How fashion forward is that??"Tim Gunn: "Okaaaaaay. How about a shirt to go with it?" Nicolas: "OH MY GOD, you are so smart, just like Bill Mackie."
Tim Gunn: "BOB Mackie." Nicolas: "Whatevs. Love that queen."
RUNWAY DAY:
"Yackety-shmackety, Macy's wall."
"I am trying to be happy in these boots. But they don't go with my outfit AT ALL. I really want to yell because the person who dresses me has been HORRIBLE this season, but I don't want to yell, because model's are perfect...POOP BROWN! THE BOOTS ARE POOP BROWN WITH A BLACK DRESS! SUEDE POOP WITH BLACK PLEATHER! KLUM SMASH!"
Mila Jovovich: "I was in Zoolander, so I'm totally qualified to be here."Nina Garcia: "I disagree." Michael Kors: "I'm still hungover so I will not be very witty at all in this episode."
Heidi Klum: "POOP BROWN! DAMMIT!"
SAFE:
ALTHEA - St. Tropez: "I wear short shorts!"
Althea wonders how nobody has made this outfit yet because it sooo screams Saint Tropez. Um, no it doesn't. It's shorts, a tank and a filmy shirt. Big whoop. The wheel has not been re-invented here. This is about as safe as one can get. But, there are even safer outfits to be had, so this week, Althea is SAFE. Again.
TOP TWO:
Carol Hannah - Palm Beach:
"Uli does it better."
Meh. It's a dress. Nothing innovative. Nice print, nice details, but it's a safe dress. But I guess it's one of the better garments of this boring bunch. Sigh...
Gordana - New York City:
 "Thank God it's not hot pants again this week."
This dress I can see being sold on Rodeo Drive. This is the only one out of the bunch I can see being sold there.
My only criticism is in the construction, there seems to be some pulling at the seams. Also, let's give "the girls" some coverage, hmmm?
The necklace detaches so you can wear it with a tank and jeans. Gordana has been so beaten down in this competition that she just immediately starts apologizing for her outfit.
STOP IT! (smacks nose with rolled up newspaper)
Gordana, you have talent. Deal with it!
WINNER:
Irina - Aspen:
"At least there's a hoodie involved."
Irina really things that she's reinvented Aspen, but I've seen this before. This is boring and safe. THIS is definitely Aspen, but it's old Aspen. I don't want to sip champagne in the lodge. Especially if Irina is there.
The judges love that this outfit is about a person who won't ski, but will be a snow bunny at the lodge. Isn't that classy way of saying, "Snow Slut"?
The construction is amazing though, I will give her that. But it shouldn't have won. Booooo.
BOTTOM TWO:
Logan - Hollywood:
"Doin' the hand-jive, baby!"
OH LOGAN. You are saved only by your hotness and your love for bacon. This is so oddly not Hollywood that I can't stand it. Yes, I know I dress like a weird old lady who instead of cartigans wears hoodies and am really not qualified at all to judge fashion, but still, we all know I'm right.
I don't think the Lohans or Olsens of this world would wear that outfit. Maybe if Friends were still on the air and it was 1995, Monica might take it for a spin. Just saying.
Kors: "They are clothes, not fashion."
See? This biddy was right!
Christopher - Santa Fe  "If Working Girl needed a weekend outfit, this would be it."
CHRISTOPHER! Baby, I heart you cuz you heart hoodies, but JEEZ LOUISE! This is hideous.
First - that belt. TACKY and GROSS. So 80's and so booo. That dress. It's made for a 60-year-old woman who doesn't realize it's age inappropriately short. You are lucky Matar is so beautiful as she helps sells this disaster.
Michael nails it with: "I don't think anyone whose every though about the American mid-west would ever get that from this look." Mila loves the 1983 belt. WHY? WHY?
AUF'D:
Nicolas - Greece
"What. Is. Up. With. My. Hair???"
Nicolas admits that this outfit isn't from Greece, "But I can see people wearing it."
Swift, Nicolas. I can see people wearing Hefty Bags (Christopher!) but it doesn't mean it should happen.
I think if Nicolas had stuck with NYC he'd be in the top or safe. He simply missed the geography and the inspiration of the challenge. And it's all because he hates hoodies. I'm sure of it.
Michael Kors: "I think you got Grease the movie with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John." Bango, buddy.
So off goes Nicolas. THANK GOODNESS. Next up, Christopher!
NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Let's be a little more careful how you cut the promos for Models of the Runway. Because of the "next week on MOTR" tease I knew that Christopher didn't get cut this week. (You had Katie saying, "I just want to tell Christopher to pump it up!" Yeah. Mystery over.) And that knowledge made this already boring episode all the more boring and predictable.
Seriously. Ambien should call you about bottling this show. SNOOZE FEST!
 "The Nothing is over, hooray!"
Next week on PR: The designers face away from the runway - wow! Crazy! Althea thinks Logan is copying a previous look.
I can feel my coma developing as I type.
 "Call my name, Tim Gunn! Please! Save us!"
***
Models of the Runway Round-Up will be posted tomorrow, Monday Oct. 26th.
Sorry for the delay, everyone.
If you feel the need to spank me, I'll accept my punishment gracefully.
Ahem.
***
photos, blogs and more!
Until next time, Make it work!
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October 20, 2009 - Tuesday
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Current mood:  cultured
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
How to prepare to read this blog:
* Realize that Jennifer (Eolin) specializes in all types of jackassery.
* Do not take her seriously!!
* If you don't recognize these facts, that's a "you" problem and not even Tim Gunn can help you.
* So neener-neener, people!
****
As I sit in my varsity t-shirt from high school and jammie bottoms with my unbrushed hair, I wonder out loud, "How the hell am I single?!" I know, right?? So to make myself feel better about my un-loved status (even though I'm a "pre-loved" and have the divorce papers to prove it!) I like to look at the fashion shows going on around the world and criticize the ugly. (It's cheaper than Prozac. Shut up.)
Right now, Tokyo is having their Ready To Wear Fashion Week. HAHHAAHA! "Ready to Wear." Oh those Tokyo-ians are adorable that way.
So I've nuked myself some green tea, put on my "judgement jodhpurs" (which are not to be confused with my "bossy boots") and am ready to present the worst of the worst to you, since it's what I do best. (Mostly. Ahem. My mother reads this...)
THE DRESS & CO:
"Yes, I'm wearing Target sheer curtains as a skirt. What? It worked for Scarlett O'Hara and that Mary Poppins woman when she was a nun lady in that Alps place."
"Like my blue socks? This drab un-sexy outfit will give you something blue too..."
"I just fought the Salvation Army. I think I won?"
 "Listen, buddy. Just because I'm wearing a net, it doesn't mean I want to catch any crabs, K?"
 "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Take a good look at me cuz I'm sinking on this f-ing ugly ass boat!"
 "Arrr, because I be stealin' the rum, I be wearin' evening brig-wear."
 White-trash-wenches, staying classy since 1842.
SIDE NOTE: Why do I think Helena Bonham-Carter is Fur-Fur's biggest client:
 "I'm bringing Boat Wench back, ya'll!"
Moving on...
Nothing says "I'm in a loveless relationship" quite so clearly than a matching culotte and jacket set in sad elephant gray.
 Nothing says I clearly didn't learn from my last love-less relationship (even though I spent a lot of money on a therapist that wasn't covered by my insurance because they are liars and cheats like my last boyfriend!!) better than another matching culotte/slack combo in sad, dirty elephant gray.
"Thank goodness I'm wearing this blindfold so I can't see my knee highs are showing! WHEEEE!"
"And you thought a 'high hat' was a cymbal on a drum set.Clearly, YOU are the idiot in this situation..."
The Portable Swirlie:For when a toilet just isn't near by and somebody REALLY needs to be taught a lesson...
"Stop it."Exactly what every guy wants to see written across his lady's boobs. Of course, the sack dress itself will probably stop all action on its own...
"So I wore this to a wedding and the bride told me,'The fact that you're wearing white too IS NOT the issue.' What a bitch."
"The American Beauty"For when your daft boyfriend needs a gentle hint: FTD BOUQUET NOW, DOOFUS!
"Am I a man or a woman?That's for me to know and you to find out. Hubba hubba."
"WHAT? Why are you asking me about a drinking problem?This is my PURSE, okay, Orcifer? My license is in my *burp*, I mean bottle. GOD you are DUMBS. Oh, you're arresting me for exposure because the crotch of my pants looks like I have cluster of "angry tulips"? Okay, that I'll give you..."
With "Vanguard of Elegance" written across one's hoodly-hoo, I too would carry an umbrella for the storm of men!
Can I get a "Hallelujah"?
***
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October 19, 2009 - Monday
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Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
THINGS TO REMEMBER WHILE READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Despite cute clothes in Jennifer's closet, she insisted on wearing a hoodie EVERY day for the past 8 days.
* Sometimes she wore the same hoodie several days in a row.
* Ew.
* Jennifer's dog, Matilda, just got her first hoodie this week.
* Jennifer has zero fashion savvy.
* Jennifer needs help.
* Please give Tim Gunn her number, before it's too late.
* And Logan's too... for the other part of her life that needs help.
* Hubba hubba.
****
LAST WEEK ON PROJECT RUNWAY:
People wanly bitched While clothes were hastily stitched. Divorce is in, And so is Shirin. The winner this week was Gordana! Which only rhymes with "pinata." Then to the aufing, Which proved quite daunting. Christopher's bubble dress blew, But Epperson's was the strangest brew. And due to a misunderstanding, Tara was sent packing.
This week how will it end? Tim Gunn will advise, "Carry on my friends!"
****
"Put diamonds on the crotch and you're home free." -- Bob Mackie
Yackety-shmackety. Apartment bullshit starts the show. "I deserve to be here," "I can't believe I'm still here," quotes litter the opening as per usual. (And I predict the bottom 2 and the winner. JERKS!)
Here's what I WISH people were saying:
Christopher: "I'm not sure I have enough fun hats to wear so as to not have a repeat before I'm auffed."
Shirin: "I'm actually the Travelocity Gnome. It's a cross promotion with Lifetime."
Carol Hannah: "WHY do the boys have to have their own apartment?? I want to make bacon with Logan in the morning. What?"
Althea: "Oh, (waves frantically) HI!"
Nicolas: "I'm running out of concealer. I AM RUNNING OUT OF CONCEALER!!"
Logan: "I am so good looking that even I am distracted by me. Oh what's that in the mirror? It's my awesome. Dude. Seriously. It is. Check it."
Irina: "I'm sorry, but I am so much better than these pedestrians who call themselves designers. I put the 'I' in designer, bitches."
Gordana: "I have immunity. Thank God. I need a nap."
THE CHALLENGE:
The designers meet Heidi on stage only to be sent to a dimly-lit back room at FIDM to meet Tim Gunn. (Note to Producers: This is NOT a spectacular location. Don't have Heidi intro it as such. Say, "We're using a big closet. Deal with it," instead.)
With Tim though is designer Bob Mackie, aka The Sultan of Sequins. He made these Cher "outfits" from the 80s:
"Ta-da! I didn't wax! Oh wait, I did, it's just the sequins."
"If I could turn back time... I would buy some pants!"
"BOO!"
This biddy doesn't get it. And why do I feel like if I bought a hoodie from ol' Bob here it would just be a bedazzled half-sleeve and two pasties? Hmm?
Tim Gunn tells the designers that their challenge is to, "Create an extravagant stage look in the manner of Bob Mackie." BM (tee hee!) takes over and tells the designers that this is beyond fashion (understatement!) and it's "the stage." (Note: When I'm on stage, it's usually in a hoodie. Moving on...) Nicolas almost pees himself being in the presence of Queen Mackie. Squeeeee! Tim continues the challenge to tell them that they are designing for Christina Aguilera. This is followed by a bunch of vague bites and NO description really of who she is, what kind of music she does, or even a PICTURE of her. So people like my mother, have NO idea who the hell Tim and Mack Attach are talking about. NOR do the designers get a dossier on her (like they usually do for specific people/challenges) so that they can learn more about Christina's style evolution. Behold:
She's run the course from her debut with Genie in a Bottle, moved along to being totally Dirrty (which this biddy LOVES) and then got married, had a kid and cleaned her sexy up from trashy to classy and started performing standards and big band numbers like Candyman. HELL- F-ing-O! This MIGHT be of some help to our designers? YES? This girl has EVOLVED!!!! A handy tidbit, yes? PER- F-ing-HAPS? GRRRR! (Pissed producer fists!)
The designers give some more empty bites about nothing and then head to Mood. They buy a lot of feathers and sequins and things. Yawn.
Thank you, MOOOOOOOOOOD!
WORK ROOM DAY #1 & #2:
This is by far the most boring work room in the history of Project Runway. So let's just skip to the picture show: Nicolas: "So then I said, 'That's not a glue stick!'" Christopher: "I don't get it."
Carol Hannah: "I gotta break me off a piece of THAT. NOM!"
"Oh, hi! I'm in this episode. I swear."
"I have immunity, I have immunity, I have immunity..."
Tim Gunn: "You DO know that Christina is a super sexy slut and this outfit screams 1999."Christopher: "Maybe I'll give her a fun hat." Tim Gunn: "I give up on you."
Irina: "No worries, Tim, I'm perfect."Tim Gunn: "Sure you are, Kenley. Ahem, I mean 'Irina.'"
Carol Hannah: "But Logan said..."
Tim Gunn: "I don't care what that sweet piece of ass said, I assert, 'More feathers!'"
Tim Gunn: "Crap. It's crap."
Logan: "I know."Tim Gunn: "Pure crap."
Logan: "Yeah, I get it." Tim Gunn: "Seriously, I've never seen anything so ugly." Logan: "You are hurting my masculine feelings." Tim Gunn: "Well, somebody had to."
Tim Gunn: "Let me guess. She's one of three queens and when she was banished into her snow world, she became an ice skater."Nicolas: "Nailed it." Tim Gunn: "I can't help you either."
"I've always had a thing for Wilma Flintstone. Or was it Betty Rubble?
Eh, either way, vaginas rule."
RUNWAY:
"Alright, designers, it's time for the runway. And if any of you give me guff on my Century 21 Realtor tie, I will box your ears firmly and tell Nina you are of ill-repute. I'm sorry I didn't use the Macy's accessory wall thoughtfully. Sue me!"
"Designers, this is Christina Aguilera. I have no idea who told her that lipstick works. And somebody should tell her that her wig is god-awful. It's not a wig? Scheiße."
NOW. Before we go any further, I'd like to tell you a little more about our guest judge, Bob Mackie.
Bob Mackie: "I have a secret." Heidi: "Jennifer (Eolin) is gonna tell." Bob Mackie: "I hate her."
Heidi: "Get in line!"
Well, it's not a secret. But it should be. Bob Mackie designs (FUGLY ASS) smocks (these are NOT shirts!!) for QVC: Take a lookie-loo at these appalling garments:
I have always wanted my forearms adorned.
AHHHHHHHH-CHO!
For the woman who wants to show shoulder, but is too bashful...
WHAT THE HELL, MACKIE!? What is this rubbish? Even Dorothy from the Golden Girls would have set these things on fire. OH, and there's more ugly to be had.... Sunburst Boob! It's not a letterman sweater, it's just ugly!
Life is a honky-tonk parade.
NOBODY over the age of 4 should wear this color pink! Especially with that cascade of dandruff going down the side... MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY!!!! Why would you help people to dress horribly, Bob Mackie? WHY?????????????????? Who hurt you as a child? Oh sure, I get that you have the status of "iconic designer" from the Cher outfits and from the fact that you did costumes for the Carol Burnett Show...
"Is that a curtain rod or are you happy to see me?" But seriously. The shirts for QVC scream: "I give up on my sexuality as a woman and I am now just a person who will have a uni-sex haircut and wear high waisted jeans and giggle at kittens frolicking with yarn." STOP IT. Women live forever. At least this biddy will! HOODIES FOREVER!
Sigh... Serenity fists. Must compose myself... Serenity fists NOW!
Okay... let's dash off to the runway for reals.
FIRST UP: SAFE!
IRINA:
Well how shocked was Irina to not have won this challenge? I really think they edited out the part where she said, "Are you shitting? Seriously, are you shitting me? I'm amazing! FEEL MY WRATH!"
I think she made a nice ice-skating outfit. I can see this being worn at the Olympics as a skater brings the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" to life for the billionth time. Awww....
GORDANA: She wasn't safe: it was the immunity. (Take your Zicam!) I look at this dress and think: "ARE THOSE NIPPLES SEWN ONTO THE DRESS?" Yipes. The whole thing is off, but Gordana knows it and isn't in a delusional fantasy that she re-made the wheel. I hope she gets some rest and knocks it out of the park next episode!
TOP 2:
NICOLAS:
 WHAT?!
Heidi loves this. DID SHE HAVE A STROKE? It's just a shorter version of his ice-princess dress! WTF?! Christina likes how fun it is. SNORE. It's boring and looks like a skater outfit. BOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT A FAN!
ALTHEA: Althea wanted to step up the glamor but with an edge. I really like this - there's an amazing train on the back of the dress that is to die for (literally, I would trip and die wearing it). I just don't like that the black stole looks like the model's weave got out of control. That's my only issue!
The judges love it and have nothing interesting to say. BRING BACK KORS! I want my disco pumpkin quotes!!
WINNER:
CAROL HANNAH!
 Carol Hannah admits that this challenge was a stretch for her. But she nailed it. Big time. HEART this dress. I could never wear it as one deep breath and I fear the whole thing would pop apart, but I love it on Lisa. Very old Hollywood, which matches what Christina very well.
Nina loves the glamor of it and Christina can see herself in it. Woo! Yay for the win, Carol Hannah! BOTTOM 2:
LOGAN:
Logan was going for a punk-rock princess. Christina sees cave-woman and likes the color. Logan explains that there is pink underneath (that's what she said!) and the judges are like, "WHEN would you see that?" Logan thinks dirty thoughts (as does Jennifer Eolin), and we all move on.
CHRISTOPHER:
 Christopher explains that he channeled a moment of Christina singing a Cyndi Lauper song and then reveals the hot pants and corset under the (ugly) jacket.
The judges hate the corset and hot pants. (As do I.) They then criticize him for revisiting Christina's Lady Marmalade era:
"My hair weighs more than my clothes." Mack Attack tells Christopher that he wouldn't put this outfit on a chorus girl. SHUT IT, MACKIE! You wouldn't? But you'd put America in this???
The "I Give Up" Smock PBBBFT! I accept no criticism from you, pal! Even if you are right in this instance. Even if...
But seriously... how is he still here and the following person is now...
AUF'D:
Shirin???!??!  Shirin admits to the judges that she's not terribly confident with this look which I think should have kept her in the game. She didn't present her Vampira dress as, "This is the best thing I've ever created!" She got lost. Last week, she had a wedding dress that had so little fabric and she did the stitching to make it look awesome. She has talent (no matter what that Wendy Pepper Wanna Be Irina says!) and I think she got the short end of the stick this week. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOO!
Pissed Biddy this week. PISSED BIDDY.
NEXT WEEK ON PROJECT RUNWAY: MICHAEL KORS IS BACK! HAPPY BIDDY!
The models are SHOCKED that Shirin is out. SHOCKED.
"SON OF A B!"
Ebony has a complete mental breakdown and Lisa and Tanisha have to put our little egg back together again.
Katie laments that her butt doesn't look good in hot pants. Katie, I'll take your butt in hot pants ANY DAY over mine. (That sounded dirty. I didn't mean it that way. Honest Abe!)
Katie: "I feel a draft. Anybody else feel that?" Christopher: "I do because I forgot to wear a fun hat."
Back at the apartment, the girls have auditions for Garnier! WOOO! They have lines to memorize and everything. It stresses some of the girls out as they aren't used to acting. And take it from this (out-of-work) actress, auditions are HARD and INTIMIDATING even if you can act. So I felt for these girls. I really did. I remember my last audition. It was for a talking piece of pepperoni. I have no idea why I didn't get it as I feel I was born for that role. (Yikes?)
Lisa has the hardest time as she just straight up forgets EVERYTHING.
"Words. Crap."
But props on the shirt - I love it!
Miss Katie did so well she got a callback!
"Come on, admit it. I'm sorta adorables, right? RIGHT??"
RUNWAY DAY!
"I will try not to fart this week."
Heidi tells the designers that they have to switch it up again with the models. This gives Ebony (false) hope since her designer was auf'd.
Carol Hannah picks Tanisha. Bitch-Face (Irina) chooses Kaylin. Logan thinks and chooses Celine. Gordana picks Katie. Nicolas wants to work with Kojii. Christopher picks Matar. And Althea picks Lisa.
And so it goes... Ebony is out the door.
NEXT WEEK on MOTR: BURLESQUE classes! WOOO! Shake it! (I'll watch from the couch. My hips don't move unless I'm scooting past a shopping cart at Target.)
****
for auctions, blogs and more!
DO IT!
(I'm bossy.)
Until next time, make it work!
 | Currently listening:
Moulin Rouge
By Various Artists
Release date: 2001-05-08 |
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October 16, 2009 - Friday
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Current mood:  anxious
Category: Life
Dear Disneyland,
Sweet rodents without pants! What do you put in your churros to make them so heavenly sweet? Is it wrong that I dream about your sugary delish? Is it wrong that want to set the box I bought at the grocery store on fire because they taste like disappointment on a Tuesday afternoon? Is it wrong that I'm just THIS dorky? (Don't answer that. It's rhetorical and I know the answer.)
Please, Disneyland, find a way to market your churros outside of the Most Expensive Place on Earth. Please find a way to make this sweet biddy happy. It's the only sugar she gets.
Small worlds, big appetites, Jennifer (Eolin)
****
Dear Retail Store,
Twas the morn before Labor Day, when all through
the store,
people were shopping for bargains galore!
The sale signs were hung on their racks with care,
in hopes that suckers would soon buy their
wares.
And my friend with her purse, and I in one of my
hoodies,
had just set out hunting for end of summer
goodies.
When over in Lawn Care there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from Women's Wear to see what was the
matter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a big ol’ sleigh and… eight plastic
reindeer...?
I quickly looked over and said to my friend,
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it, like,
Labor Day Weekend?"
And then in a twinkling I heard over a speaker, the electronic stylings of Manheim Steamroller.
My eyes, how they reddened. My knuckles, stiffly cracking!
My temper like a flare gun, and my tact severely
lacking.
I tracked down a manager, “Why so early?!”
To which he chirped, “To make a profit, surely!”
Then I jumped in my car, and revved the engine a
spell.
My holiday spirit had gone straight to hell.
And they heard me exclaim as I drove out of
sight:
"Early Christmas decorations are a
blight!"
Buy a freaking calendar!
Jennifer Eolin
****
Dear Project Runway Readers,
Ooopsie. I was out until about 3am last night and haven't even STARTED to watch Project Runway / Models of the Runway yet.
I know some of you are worried about me, "Jennifer (Eolin), when did you get so busy? Aren't you usually home nursing a bucket of pudding and crying into your soup?" (Shut up, I'm hungry.) And it's true! Yes, usually I am. However, this fall has been quite hopping and I have many projects up in the air and truth be told, if this biddy is going to be able to afford to stay in LA, the other projects need attention!
So hopefully, you can wait until Sunday/Monday for the blog. I'm off to watch now. I hope it doesn't make me angry. However, I'm sure it will.
Make it work!
Jennifer
PS - Buy more pudding. PPS - Buy diet pudding. PPPS - Buy a side order of dignity.
****
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October 12, 2009 - Monday
|
Current mood:  overstimulated
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES TO READING
JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT
RUNWAY BLOG:
* Jennifer was SUPER
BORED by this past week's episode * Lifetime didn't post
that many pictures - WTH? * Jennifer might make
some things up as a way of enhancing some seriously boring action that occurred
this week * Jennifer is a jerk
that way - but still insanely adorable
***
RECAP OF EPISODE 7: Louise ruffled the
judges and was auf'd, while Irina impressed
them with her blue stripes.
Snooze.
Or in Jennifer's
"enhanced" version...
* Nicolas poisons
Louise and in her drug induced haze confuses her loofah as fabric! * Nicolas was quoted
as saying: "The only ruffles in fashion belong in craft service on a table. Muwhahahahhaaha! Did I mention I have
immunity, bitches?" * Michael Kors, aka The New Disco Pumpkin, exits the witness-protection-program to come back to judge Project Runway. (MK witnessed
Ralph Lauren do his whole line in ACRYLIC and POLYESTER! Scandal!) * Nina Garcia was
still MIA as she was out accepting her Nobel Peace Prize, because hey, anybody
can win one of those apparently... * Louise, hung over
from being poisoned, is auf'd. * Irina wins but then mistakenly calls Season 6, "Cycle
6" in her egotistical glory. * Logan asks Jennifer (Eolin) out on a date. She
accepts.
Ahem...
***
We
open to Logan cooking
up bacon in a pan and saying, "I'm making it crispy, but not burnt, just
the way Jennifer (Eolin) likes it." Epperson tells Logan that he's a smart man. Logan nods and says, "I know. And
good looking too." Meanwhile, the girls start their day with a
pillow fight and pull their bras out of the freezer. Then they hug and braid each others' hair. Nicolas pouts because they didn't ask him to play.
Sigh...
They eat breakfast and fix their hair and marvel at someone else being gone. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Who needs Ambien when you have the first 5 minutes of Project Runway every week to put you in a coma?
THE CHALLENGE:
On the runway Heidi
replaces her usual "hello" with "How's it hangin', brahs?"
But then everything takes a very serious turn as she tells them they have
NEW models. (I was hoping she said NUDE models as that would at least be interesting. But sadly, no...) A gaggle of brides fill the runway to which Heidi tells the
designers that all these women are recently divorced (UM, some have been
divorced for 16 years - that's NOT recent - especially in dog years!) and that the designers are to turn
their shrouds of polyester shame into hip, new outfits to wear in their
"next chapter of their lives" as single women.
Yeeks.
Now as a recently divorced woman myself (6 months!), I can say the LAST thing in the world I'd want to do is put my wedding dress on (cough--as that was 10 lbs. ago--cough) or have it "refashioned" for my new life. I mean, unless it can be made into sweat pants and a hoodie, no thank you! (Did I just hear Tim Gunn scream? I think I did...)
Oh and by the way, I prefer the term "pre-loved" to "divorcee." Just saying....
WORK ROOM:
The "Pre-Loveds" (help me coin a term, people!) come in and give the designers their instructions for what they want. Shirin's PL wants a Cher half-breed outfit. FOR REALS. This is not funny-haha-me-enhancing-this-story fact at all. Weirdo really wants to look like this:
"I like my outfit. I don't know what everybody's squaw-king about."
I'll admit though, I'd kill for her Cher's bod... screw the outfit. I'll take that waist! Mine has been MIA since about 2006... Anyhoo...
Tim Gunn tells the designers that they have $25 and 15 minutes to shop at Mood. The main fabric they use for the garment should be from the models' wedding dresses. The designers shop. Nothing exciting happens at all. Other than Shirin and Tim Gunn making out on a bolt of cheap denim. I kid. It was Tim and Christopher.
Thank you (for being boring), MOOOOOOD!
Back in the work room... everybody bitches and stitches. Nobody says anything particularly interesting so here are some made up bites:
Nicolas: "I'm so mad that I don't have immunity this week because I feel a cold coming on. OH SNAP! See what I did, peeps? I made a crazy mix-em-up on the word 'immunity.' Oh yeah. Nicolas is in the hiz-house. I'm available for parties and bar mitzvahs."
Carol Hannah: "Duuuuuude? This challenge blows? Like, really?"
Irina: "I think I'm awesome town. No really, ask me, I'll tell you. Many times."
Epperson: "Where am I? Who am I? What's going on? Can I make a shirt dress out of this wedding dress? Why am I still here?"
Shirin: "WHY DID I GET SADDLED WITH THE WEIRDO?! WHY?! How am I supposed to keep up my character of being Project Runway's Sweetheart when I have to BITCH so LOUDLY about my bat-shit-crazy Pre-Loved? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M STILL ADORABLE EVEN WHEN I'M SAD! WHAHHHH!"
Althea: "What was the question?" (giggle)
Logan: "I'm horribly misguided this episode due to the fact that I've yet to go out on my date with Jennifer (Eolin)." (sighs loudly and then weeps openly)
So since nothing other than sewing happens, let's skip to my favorite part...
TIM GUNN CRITIQUES:
Tim enters the room and asks, "How is everyone?" which translates into: "You all are royally screwed and I'm gonna tell you how."
Tim starts with Christopher:
Tim: "To be frank, I've seen classier material in a strip club." Christopher: "Um...You've been to a strip club?" Tim: "It was research."
Tim is apprehensive to say the least and advises Christopher not to make the garment too short as he wouldn't want a "cougar" situation to emerge from this mess. (As a woman who is approaching her cougar years-- I'm just a puma right now!-- I resent that he made "cougar" sound so unappealing. We can't all be Silver Foxes, Tim!)
Epperson proves that his dreads are a little too tight and tells Tim that he's using as little of the dress as possible. Tim replies with: "Say wha----?" Okay, he doesn't, but I wish he did. I have no idea what Epperson is thinking. USE THE WEDDING dress was the challenge. He had $25 dollars at Mood. What about all that says, "Use as little as possible"? Tim leaves him with the phrase: "Epperson, you have a lot of decisions to make." Translation: "Epperson, dude, seriously. I can't help you. You are F'd."
Logan gives Epperson a run for his f'd-up-ness and shows Tim how he's making pants out of wool. Tim is worried. Logan's model doesn't want to show her legs, ergo the pants. Tim says: "What about leggings? You know I love a good legging." HAHAHAA. No. He doesn't. Moving on....
Shirin crabs about her pre-loved, Charlie. Tim tells her to "nut up" and deal with her challenge. Shirin punches Tim Gunn in the face and yells feverishly, "Not a finger!" (Sigh... Tim is supportive of Shirin's plight and tells her to play with the textiles and free herself from the carnage she's already created. Blah blah blah....)
The day ends... the next day begins. The only notable part that happens here is that Nicolas' model is so taken by her (horrifically ass-ugly) outfit that she tells Nicolas that she wants to have his child. He makes "Jim from The Office" eyes at the camera. This poor, delusional Pre-Loved... like she has a uterus at her age. I KID! It just doesn't work. (I KID MORE!)
RUNWAY:
Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway. Lifetime didn't even post pictures of the judges this week so I'm going to make them up: Larry "I love suspenders!" King, the manager of a Cracker Barrel from Ohio and a old timey hobo. Ta-daaa! (Okay, it's Kors, the blond from Marie Claire and some lady from Jimmy Choo. Seriously, I just can't be bothered to stop TiVo to write down their names if the producers can't be bothered to post a pic online this week...)
First up...
SAFE:
NICOLAS:
Nicolas: "I think what I created was a hideous thing. But you can't wake up everyday and do gorgeous gowns and tailored dresses. It might not be my favorite outfit in the world but if it makes her happy, I'm happy for her."
WHAT? HOW IS THIS SAFE?!? I WANT A RECOUNT!
What's with the high vagina on the pants, Nicolas? That high zipper is sooooo distracting and unattractive that I can't stop looking at it. I keep wondering, "How does she pee?" HOWEVER, I LOVE her attitude in this outfit and that she's a happy camper, but really, the whole she-bang is not doing our little wood nymph any favors. ANY. At least Nicolas knows this. It's the only thing keeping me from burning down a small village in protest of this being "safe."
ALTHEA:
Althea: "Seeing my dress on the runway made me feel good. She's skipping down the runway and its girlie a little bit and she's unique in a blue dress."
Yeaaaaaaaah. Unique. This looks like a variation of what you make EVERY week, Althea! It's pretty, but come on. Spice it up. Do something else. At least put a hoodie on it. (No?) But the Pre-Loved loves this dress, that's for sure. Which is a good thing for her, but boring for us. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
CAROL HANNAH:
Carol Hannah: "I feel really great when Lisa comes down the runway. It's such a hot little dress. She wanted something strapless, she wanted something short to show off her legs. I'm happy and I think she is too."
I LOVE THIS DRESS AND THIS PRE-LOVED. First of all, this lady is GORGEOUS and looks like an older Carol Hannah, yes? The dress is awesome too. I'd wear it. I have no where to wear it to, but I'd wear it to sit on my couch. Although, my dog's nails might get caught up in the tulle. How come nobody thinks about these important details when making fashion?? HMMM?
TOP 2:
IRINA:
Irina: "The dress turned out really great. Robin was glowing, the dress was shimmering. She looked like Cinderella. I know that I nailed it."
EW! You nailed this dress?? Irina! Dirty bird!
They all love how she re-imagined the dress. It looks expensive, it's age-appropriate and the color is fab. Yak yak yak.
I like it.... HOWEVER, to me, there's a matronly thing going on. Is it the lace sleeves? The sash? Something about this says, "I'm old." Hmmmm.
SHIRIN:
Shirin: "Seeing my dress on the runway, it's not exactly what I would have wanted but at least this dress has a hint of me in it. I'm really happy there aren't peacock feathers coming out of her butt because that's pretty much what she wanted."
Shirin tells the judges how crazy Weirdo is and they congratulate her on keeping the dress tasteful, although Kors says he loves a girl who wants a "half-breed moment." (I don't know what that means!!) All the judges LOVE the stitching (which I do too). Weirdo says the dress is a bit safe and should be shorter. OH LADY. You're not 20 anymore. I know getting a divorce makes you WISH you were in your 20's again, but you're not. You must deal with this. Although you are in KICK ASS SHAPE, you are not 20. And older ladies in short dresses is just ... creepy. Don't be that lady, lady.
WINNER:
GORDANA!
Gordana: "I love my garment coming down the runway. The color is beautiful, she looks very comfortable in it and the whole look is great, so I really like it."
LOVE THIS. LOVE THIS. LOVE THIS. If my wedding dress could be turned into this, I'd lose the 10lbs needed to squeeze into it.
Gordana explains how she only used the lining of the wedding dress to make this. Kors gushes about how chic the dress is and how it does amazing things for this gal's body. Agreed, Disco Pumpkin! Basically, it's a love fest all around with the judges. Well deserved win, Gordana! You've been screwed by being in the bottom a few too many times, so it's nice to see you rise to the top, baby! (And considering Gordana is a Pre-Loved herself, it's an extra special win for her!!)
BOTTOM 2:
CHRISTOPHER:
Christopher: "This is probably the most fun runway ever! I really like my piece so I hope it's in the top. I innovatively used the materials and it really does speak to who I am as a designer."
YOWZA. Yeah? Really? This is who you are as a designer? May I suggest identity-theft to remedy this problem, perhaps?
He tells the judges that this dress is for his Pre-Loved to wear to an industry party. And that industry would be for trashbags with low self-esteem. Kors is on the same page as me as he tells her to never wear this dress EVER, "It's like a metallic Hefty bag, just cinched."
Poor Christopher. He really thought this was good. To borrow a Tim-ism: "This worries me."
LOGAN:
Logan: "Julia is definitely confident. I'm happy to see her feeling good but at the same time I'm analyzing it being what I did and I just want to put my head in a hole in the ground and hide from this one."
Oh Logan. This outfit is HORRIBLE. AND WHY IS HER VAGINA AREA 34908430 FEET LONG????? WHY?!
I heart you to pieces, but oh my stars and bells. What the HELL is that top? Did you not learn from Louise's experience last week that ruffles are a bad thing? And what's with the ren-faire vest thing? And the bad Ann Taylor circa 1992 pants? LOGAN. I EXPECT BETTER THINGS FROM YOU, SWEET PEA! If I'm going to continue to crush on you, you need to make nicer clothes than the Virgin Swiss Miss Librarian outfit here. BOOOO!
The judges hate it as well. Heidi says it looks like she's going to Octoberfest. (Really? They wear wool pants like this to Octoberfest?) Kors wants to know where the beer steins are. The Pre-Loved likes the outfit but agrees that she wouldn't wear it on a first date. (Is it wrong that I'm just envious that people think about what to wear on a date? Sigh... oh my life... living vicariously through other Pre-Loveds on Project Runway. Someone send help ASAP... or at least a bucket of chocolate.)
AUF'D:
EPPERSON:
Epperson: "After changing my idea from my original and going with another direction, I'm please with how my design came out. It felt really good and I feel confident."
She looks like she's lost her windmill in my opinion. Heidi busts out the Beer Fest comparison (again). The judges agree that this dress will not get her laid. Ever.
So Epperson is auf'd. Honestly, I'm not sure who the worst one was this week. Nicolas, Christopher and Logan all laid some serious stink bombs this week. But I agree that it was Epperson's time to go since he seemed really confused about the challenge and thinks that his shirt-dress from last week was innovative. (It wasn't.)
COMING UP NEXT WEEK: NINA GARCIA IS BACK!! Oh and they make clothes and stuff and junk and things.
MODELS OF THE RUNWAY:
Weren't the girls beautiful in their outfits? OH RIGHT THEY WEREN'T USED AT ALL. SON OF A B, PEEPS. This is a competition for them too - HOW is not using them but kicking one of them off A COMPETITION!? Call it what it is, a lottery. SO. ANGRY.
Kojii's designer, Epperson, is kicked off before she even gets a chance to work with him. Again, this poor woman is screwed and in the bottom without a designer.
"I need whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey."
All the girls are happy for Gordana and her win. After congratulating her, Gordana mumbles to Tara, "I think I'll pick you again," which sends all the girls into a tailspin of "who is going to pick who on the runway?" Especially Matar who is/was Gordana's model this week (in theory).
We find out that the models did get to teach the Pre-Loveds how to walk on the runway though.
"Alright, Pumpkin Pies, this is how you do it."
Each model was paired up with a PL for their "runway" lessons.
Pre-Loved: "I will call you Gulliver." Katie: "And I will call you Wanna-Be-Mini-Me."
The rest of the episode is pretty empty and concentrates on the girls fretting about their future on the show and partying with the Pre-Loveds. I swear to God, there had to be more that went on than just THAT. PRODUCERS. COME ON. CONTENT. FIND IT. Don't create it. Let these girls have personalities past, "I wonder who will pick who." Seriously. Don't make me find you and scold you in person, dammit! (Cuz I will. I have that kind of time.)
The girls and the PL's hit the town, and Katie's PL recites a poem for them:
"Project Runway designer, my ex was a drag, Why should I keep this old white rag? Project Runway designer, please don't look so grim, Just make it work, listen to Tim."
OOOO - poems! Here's my version:
"I was a bride, but now I'm not. But oh yeah, baby, I'm still hot. Out on the town, I'm still a contender, Even though I'm on a hoodie bender. Project Runway, style me pretty, Even though this poem is really quite shitty."
No, sorry, no autographs. I want to stay humble.
RUNWAY:
The girls are so stressed out that a model FARTS on the runway. HORRORS! Models fart??? What? I thought they were beautiful freaks of nature who ate cheeseburgers to lose weight and never has a pimple and never EVER even has to poop. WHAT? Models are real people? WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!? ;)
"Wasn't me!"
"It's like the La Brea Tar Pits up in here."
After Heidi insists it wasn't her (the lady doth protest too much?)... they start the process of ruining someone's day for no good reason.
Gordana picks... Matar. Carol Hannah picks Lisa. Althea picks Tanisha.
This upsets Gordana because she thought Althea was going to pick Tara. Uh-oh...
Christopher sticks with his gal, Katie. Shirin picks Ebony. Nicolas picks Kaylin. Irina picks Celine. Logan picks... Kojii.
Tara is auf'd for NO GOOD REASON since she didn't get to 'compete' at all this week. I'm very happy that Kojii is still in it to win it, but seriously. POOP. Give Tara a chance to prove herself in this so called 'competition'!
Gordana is beside herself with grief that Tara's been let go. So
off Tara goes into the world. BOOOO.
I just like a fair fight. You know, like in professional wrestling.
***
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October 9, 2009 - Friday
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Current mood: busy
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Well... I have a lot to say about last night's episodes of both Project Runway and Models of the Runway. HOWEVER, due to a wonderfully awesome Project Runway video that I'm shooting tomorrow, there will be no Jennifer (Eolin) Project Runway Blog to read today.
I KNOW. I can hear you crying in your soup from here. Man up.
I will try to complete it on Sunday night. Save your comments on the show until then!
If you're in LA tonight - come check me out at ComedySportz! Buy your tickets online and be there at 8pm!
Until Sunday's blog... MAKE. IT. WORK!
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October 7, 2009 - Wednesday
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Current mood: artistic
Category: Life
Please visit my blog regarding fall essentials for all New Old Biddies. Elle Magazine ain't got nothing on me!
Due to a super awesome Project Runway endeavor this weekend, my Project Runway blog may not go up until Monday. I KNOW! Blasphemy. But it'll be worth it. Believe me!
Carry on!!
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October 5, 2009 - Monday
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Current mood: overstimulated
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
Hi all!
This week I'm prepping for a super exciting and very funny Project Runway video that I will be shooting on Saturday. Please join my fanpage so you can see some fun "clues" as to what this video will be about.
Happy Monday! Jennifer (Eolin)
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October 2, 2009 - Friday
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Current mood:  flirty
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Fashion is art
* Art is subjective
* However, a "big red box in the middle of a canvas" is NOT art, it's a scam
* Leggings are the "big red box on a white canvas" of the fashion world
* I have had a lot of coffee this morning
****
RECAP of EPISODE 6:
The designers went to the movies and Nicolas was told, "Kid, we can see that design in the moving pictures!" Whereas Ra'Mon was told, "That won't even play in Peoria! You're auf!"
****
First off, in honor of autumn, Michael Kors is back for this episode!! Happy fists!
He's the prettiest color of orange, that Michael Kors.
OH but I'm getting ahead of myself...
It's morning and the designers are eating, musing and setting hoodies on fire. (NICOLAS!) Since Logan lost the last of his roommates, he had to move in with Epperson, Nicolas and Christopher. Logan explains that he doesn't know what his new roomies' morning routines are, so that is why he's wearing clothes. (Okay, he didn't say that last part, but why else would he be clothed? Surely not because of the cameras, right? Or modesty. Or because Nicolas told him that he's a cuddler... Crap, Logan's going to be in body armor for the rest of the series, isn't he??)
AND cue the loser's soundbite about how they don't want to lose and are going to up their game. BLARGH! For the sake of those of you who read the blog and don't watch the show, I'll keep it a surprise UNLIKE THE PRODUCERS WHO LIKE TO BLAB AND SPOIL ENDINGS. (NO I AM NOT BITTER, WHY DO YOU ASK?!)
CHALLENGE:
They meet Heidi on the runway, where she reminds everybody that the least talented designer there, Nicolas, has immunity, "That feels good, no?" (Translation: "If Kors had been here last week, I'd be talking to Christopher or Epperson right now. Scheiße head."
Heidi tells them that their next challenge will be quite colorful. (WOW! Who's righting her copy? I hope they clear a shelf for that Emmy!) Then it's a smash cut to the designers in the work room with Tim Gunn (where the action should have started in the first place) and he introduces Martine Reardon, EVP of Macy's INC International Concepts brand.
Martine: (singing) "Forever in blue jeans, babe." Tim: "I am not now nor will I ever be your 'babe.' But you've identified my pants correctly. Good for you!"
Martine tells the designers that they will be using the color blue to make 2 looks for the INC brand. Tim tells them that whoever wins will get to make a holiday dress that will be designed and sold at Macy's and Macys.com. (PS - I believe between Martine and Tim, they say "Macy's" about 39048350948549058 times, give or take a billion.)
But then Tim lets them know that this is a team challenge (audible gasp) and that they have 15 minutes to sketch and then they have to pitch their looks to Martine, who will then pick the 5 team leaders.
Clap if you hate team challenges!
Sketching, predictable sound bites and pitching ensue. (PS - I'll skip the pitches as I was able to pick the 5 team leaders from how it was put together - PRODUCERS! SERIOUSLY! Stop underestimating your audience!)
And here's how the team captains/teams break down:
Irina picks Gordana Althea ... Logan Carol Hannah ... Shirin Christopher ... Epperson Louise ... Nicolas (who has immunity... ruh-roh)
Tim tells them that there will be NO IMMUNITY given to the winner of this challenge. (Take your vitamin C, designers!)
Shopping at Mood... Everybody shops for 20 minutes and just pulls anything off the shelf that is blue. Nicolas lets his win go to his head and spouts off crap about how he's there to help Louise because she doesn't design well. Irina and Gordana are bickering with each other thus setting up a "rift" between them. At the end, Louise misplaces her money envelope because she was so stressed out. She finds it along with her sketch, under a box on a table. Tim mumbles, "A Project Runway first." (The steamer hid her money! That shifty steamer is always the culprit!)
Thank you, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
WORK DAY #1:
This is a one-day challenge (YIKES!) and everybody explains their looks in blue. And thankfully, the Producers have identified the organic drama in this episode (which is seriously hard to miss in a team challenge as nobody plays well with others).
Nicolas starts his rampage: "One of the things I hate most is ruffles."
Why the hate, Nicolas? Why the hate?
Okay, not THOSE ruffles, but the ones that Louise is adorning her garments with. Nicolas continues: "I think a lot of the designers when they get stumped put more ruffles on the dress! So I'm kinda nervous for her now." So dude, why don't you HELP her find a better idea? Oh you won't because you have a crazy ego this week and immunity? Asshat.
We go on to learn that Louise likes to make noise when she works. Kinda like she's a little songbird. She says it relieves stress and helps her focus. Louise, why not try this bird for some stress relief and focus:
Althea and Logan are working well together as are Christopher and Epperson. But Irina and Gordana are not. Irina is being vague with Gordana, which is frustrating Gordana to no end, which I can't blame her! I like details too. And adjectives. (Like that's a shock to any of you...)
TIM GUNN CRITIQUES:
Tim starts with Team Carol Hannah. Shirin says, "Also known as Team Awesome!" Tim quips, "We shall see!" (What's with all this "team" crap this season? Cuz if we have to chose teams, then I'm on Team Doesn't Give A Crap About Your Team Name.)
Shirin tells him that one of their looks has leggings (which she made). Tim responds dryly: "I know. Never mind, don't get me on leggings."
"In the name of fashion, I heal you from your leggings obsession. Liz Claiborne, Versace and expensive designer jeans, amen."
Tim likes the rest of their mess and moves onto Louise and Nicolas. Tim comments that he's not sure about the dress that Kojii will be wearing as the blues don't quite complement each other as best they can. Louise says that she keeps getting bashed for not having her details read on the runway, so she wanted to make sure it stands out. Nicolas (bitchily) asks Tim, "Are you happy with this so far?" Tim hedges, "I'm excited the potential that I'm seeing and I trust that you'll see anything that goes awry." (Translation: "No.")
Next up, Logan and Althea. Tim likes the modern suit they are making and moves along... (Guess who's safe, folks?!)
Irina and Gordana are next. We see that Irina and Gordana are not on the same page when it comes to their designs and Tim says: "You guys have a lot to discuss and work out." Vague, but to the point.
Christopher and Epperson are his last stop. They are making two garments that don't look like they'd even be on the same floor of Macy's, much less in the same line. And honestly, to me, they both look Forever 21-ish. Tim nails it: "I guess my conundrum is the textiles. I don't get them together... But I will tell you, you have serious potential here for re-invention. And it's very exciting."
"I can't believe I'm saying this but have you thought about leggings?"
The models come in for their fittings and Irina takes this time to bash Gordana's talents. Classy. Louise is stressing a bit about her works. Nicolas continues on his motif for the night: "I have ruffles. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I believe that ruffles are created to hide flaws. Ruffles make me sick." Well word is, Nicolas, that YOU make ruffles sick. So neener neener.
All the designers continue working on their pieces until midnight... Goodnight FIDM!
RUNWAY MORNING:
The girls get ready and Louise is feeling tense about what work she has left to do. She then reminds us that Nicolas has immunity. Sigh...
Everyone fusses over their garments and Irina and Gordana continue to fuss at each other. I wish one of them had "smacked a bitch up." THAT would have been exciting!
RUNWAY:
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Michael!
"Honestly, I just didn't have any more clean black t-shirts anymore so I had to run to Target for a few weeks. And Heidi, are you really wearing a musical note shirt? I have the same comment for you that Amadeus got: TOO MANY NOTES. WOOO! I'm back, bitches!"
Rounding out our judges are Sr. Fashion Editor for Marie Claire, Zanna Roberts, and Martine (who we met previously).
Let's start the show!
Michael Kors (off-screen): "Wow, they haven't gotten any better since I left, have they?"
SAFE:
Althea / Logan:  Logan (with his shirt on): "Tara comes out first and as she comes walking across the stage the skirt just keeps getting higher and higher and higher. At that point there's nothing you can do except just kinda laugh about it."
 Althea: "The two looks? I think they look right together. I think they are saying something--everything's wearable and we wanted to make sure that the jacket could go with the jeans, that you could switch the tops so I hope that that's recognized."
If the skirt were at least 2 inches longer, I'd so wear it with the second blouse. I don't know how well that jacket would go with the jeans (especially given the cut and color). And the trouser jeans look a bit loose in the girl bits area. (I have an issue with baggy crotches. They BUG me.) But I do heart me that second shirt. Oh Logan... can I send you my measurements? Oh you need to measure in person? If you insist...
TOP:
Carol Hannah / Shirin:
 Carol Hannah: "I definitely think that Shirin and I's looks could be sold in Macy's. That's one of my strengths is that my work is sellable, it's marketable."
(GRAMMAR, CAROL HANNAH! "Shirin and I's"??? I heart you, but I want to beat you with a copy of Strunk & White.)
 Shirin: "I'm really confident when our stuff walks down the runway. We both did it together and I like it! I think we did a good job. I think we'll be in the top."
For the love of all that is Tim Gunn: HOW DID LEGGINGS GET IN THE TOP!?!?!? HOW?! Honestly, I wish they made the rule: "Leggings = disqualification." PISSED FISTS!
CH describes the dress as a good "day to night" outfit and the piece of crap that poor Vanessa had to wear is a "weekend, more playful" sort of look.
Martine thinks that CH did a good job interpreting the INC brand. Kors chimes in (oh how I missed his voice!) and says: "I think the tunic is great. I think it would look great in a 100 colors and it could be longer as a dress." Kors, Imma let you finish but that tunic IS NOT GREAT. I will agree w/ Heidi in that the neckline is gorgeous - but the look as a whole is trite and dumpy. (HOW does Vanessa look dumpy?! HOW?!) I seriously have NO idea how the judges aren't just lambasting CH for this look. The dress is fine, but nothing special. There is a difference between "wearable" and "boring as mud." Look it up after you look up why "I's" is NOT a word.
WINNER / SAFE:
Irina (winner, but no immunity) / Gordana (Safe!)  Irina: "So Katie's coming down the runway and I think she looks so adorable and flirty and elegant in the dress, I was completely content and happy with it. I think she did a great job showing it so I feel good."
 Gordana: "The most important to me in this competition is that I send something down the runway that I believe in. I am very confident and I am very happy with the outcome."
Irina explains that they wanted a business day look and an evening look. Irina then tells Gordana that she's too shy as a designer. Gordana is too polite to tell Irina to stick it where the bobbin don't shine and just takes it. Classy, but as much as I like Irina, she needed to be schooled in that she doesn't give directions and is vague. That's not a leader, that's a brat. (Maybe you and CH can go to the library together to look all this up, yes?)
Everybody gushes over the dress and I have to agree. I want to own that! I would wear it somewhere special. Like Target. To buy indoor doggie pads. (Who's jealous of my life? Who?! I'm available for parties!)
BOTTOM:
Christopher / Epperson:
Christopher: "Tanisha's wearing the shirt dress and you can see that she's really working it. You can see that she's going from the workplace to happy hour in a heart beat. I think it's going to be an INC product."
 Epperson: "When you design something that can be mass-produced, you have to take yourself out of it and do what the majority of people would want. So I think we did well."
Um... I would never want either of those things. Ever. Maybe the shirt dress back in the 90's, but other than that? No thanks!
Christopher and Epperson are honestly shocked to be in the bottom 2. Christopher think they are fresh designs and Heidi lets them know that nobody in the modern world would wear this. Heidi says that the blouse looks like the model was eating lobster and then forgot to take her bib off. HAHAHHAA! YES! Couldn't have said it better myself! (Plus, don't get me started on the damn leggings! BAH!)
Kors says about the shirt dress: "I look at the shirt dress which just literally looks like a librarian's shirt dress from 1979. The fabric has a shine that maybe you guys thought was a little bit of a twist but I think it looks like a tablecloth. THEN all of a sudden I swap over and I get to this kind of teal/charmeuse disco pumpkin."
 "I hope he sings Macho Man!"
Poor Christopher starts to cry. Like big boo-hoo tears. (I'm an expert in tears btw.) Kors continues to stab with: "Did you really think these two went together? They don't."
AUF'D:
Louise / Nicolas (but he has immunity, so he's safe. Boooo!)  Louise: "There are a lot of really simple pieces in the room and I'm hoping that maybe because I went the opposite direction and went a little too crazy with the stuff that maybe some of the more simple designs will be too boring and they'll be the ones that'll be in the bottom."  Nicolas: "As our garments go down the runway, I'm not happy at all with dress Louise made. That ruffle thing just looks weird and strange. I just wish that Louise really knew what she wanted.
Louise explains that she wanted to create two pieces that had some versatility meaning day wear into evening wear. Heidi calls out the ruffles: "Who wears this today?" Louise defends her look: "I like ruffles, what can I say?"
Martine likes ruffles (God I'm hungry for potato chips by this point FOR REALS) but doesn't like how these were done as they are too overstated. Zanna says the first dress belongs in a bad bridal shop. Kors quips: "This truly a bridesmaids dress with a shower loofah ruched up the front of it, I mean, no modern girl wants to wear that dress."
Nicolas then pipes up with: "Ruffles were never really my thing but I was here to help her create her vision." Niiiiiice. You mean you sat back and didn't help her with her design. Nicolas, I'm done with you. You shouldn't have won last week, you hate hoodies and you are so smug this week it's beyond infuriating. Immunity doesn't mean you have talent. It just means Kors wasn't there to put you in your place. And that place would have been on the business end of his sharp tongue.
Heidi lets Nicolas know that he's a lucky designer to have immunity. And my wonderful Louise is auf'd. I really like Louise. I've been following her along on Twitter and her fanpage on Facebook as well as her Etsy site (I am NOT a stalker! I'm an ENTHUSIAST!) and honestly, I love this girl. She's real, she makes BEAUTIFUL garments and she works really hard. She is also humble and grateful for everything. (NICOLAS!!!!!!!!! LEARN!) I honestly hope that she has continued success because she rocks! But I'm sad that Kojii and Louise are separated now. I was really hoping that I could nickname them the "Bang-er Sisters." (As in hair, not the verb. Pervs!)
Louise's final bite: "I'm just really honored to be a part of all this. I certainly made it a lot farther than I had expected... I'm gonna come away from this a better designer and I'll work much more efficiently under pressure I'd imagine." Well said.
MACY'S HOLIDAY DRESS BY IRINA:
I couldn't download a pic of the dress, so click on Macy's to see the "dress" Irina made for the holidays. My personal opinion: MAJOR BORING TOWN. I wouldn't wear that to a holiday party! Unless is was a Boring Day Party. Then, it would silently rock beneath all its suck. (Although YAY for Katie getting a pic on the Macy's site!)
NEXT WEEK ON PROJECT RUNWAY: NEW MODELS! Again! And Kors is still around! Snark abounds: "Well it was double ugly!" HOORAY!
****
MODELS OF THE RUNWAY:
The models gather and watch the elimination and since Louise is auf'd, Kojii is now worried, "I have no designer!" At this point, I start to sweat. I have her, Matar, Katie and Vanessa picked as my faves cuz they sell everything they wear (I mean, seriously, Vanessa made that "tunic/leggings" disaster look good), and as this competition narrows, I worry. (I'm very good at worrying, btw. Tears and worrying. I list them in my "skills" section of my resume...)
"I would worry, but I know that Jennifer is worrying for me. Which is better, she can have the wrinkles."
They meet with Heidi and there's some empty talk that fills some time. And I realized that this "chat" happens before the designers pick them as they are all in the outfits that they leave in later in the show. (Oh yeah... I have an eagle eye. Or no life. Hmmm...)
Heidi tells them that they will be meeting with Michael Maddox, runway coach. The girls are excited because apparently he's a big deal. (But I'm a big deal on MySpace!! Oh right... nothing to brag about anymore...)
The girls go back home and The Dream Team throws frozen food around and giggle loudly while other girls try to sleep.
"Oops, I left a word on the tip of my tongue... NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"
The girls meet with Michael Maddox who immediately tells the girls: "I don't care too much for diva girls. When I'm correcting someone else, it's best for you girls to pay attention to what I'm doing because you can learn from someone else's mistakes. Yes, I'm a little tough, but I'm tough because I want you guys to get it."
"Actually, I'm tough because I'm awesome. Just ask me, I'll tell you."
Michael continues with: "And if I call you guys Pumpkin, don't take it offensively. I work with so many people, so therefore I just call you guys Pumpkin Pie." (Translation: "I am so awesome that I can be a complete a-hole and not even acknowledge you have a name or that you are even human.")
He makes the girls do a "1/2 turn" (without telling them what it is). He says, "Let's go Pumpkin... WRONG," loudly to all of them. Finally, Matar says: "I don't know what it is." Michael spits back: "Try." Matar remains firm: "No, cause I don't know what to do." YAY GIRL! This guy teaches through humiliation and self-importance so THANK YOU for calling him on it.
If only Matar had followed up with this:
"Listen, dipshit, I have a name and it IS NOT Pumpkin or Pumpkin Pie, k?!?"
Sigh... I can dream.
Despite Michael's arrogance, he does work with the girls and they say they learned from him. Vanessa does very well and we learn that Vanessa's mom was a model. I'm not surprised... it has always felt like it was in her genes.
Celine tells us that her parents don't even know she's modeling on the show! Yeeps! Good luck with that!
ELIMINATION DAY:
And here's how it goes down:
Irina decides to change it up from Katie and picks Tanisha (formerly Epperson's model) Althea stays with Tara Shirin goes with Ebony after a long and dramatic pause Nicolas picks Kaylin Gordana stays with Matar Christopher goes back to his first model, Katie Carol Hannah picks Lisa (formerly w/ Logan)
Now it's just Celine, Kojii and Vanessa left. WHAT?!
Epperson picks Kojii And Logan picks... Celine.
Sigh... Bye, Vanessa.
"I learned how to cry from Christopher."
"Pumpkin pie, out!"
NEXT WEEK ON MODELS OF THE RUNWAY: Katie says to Celine: "Your boobs may as well take out an ad in the LA Times because everyone has seen them." ME-OUCH!
****
And if you're in LA this weekend - Come see me at ComedySportz!!
The National Comedy Theatre 733 Seward Street (just north of Melrose, five blocks east of Highland)
Hollywood, CA 90038
8pm Friday, October 2nd and Saturday, October 3rd! Mention my name at the box office and get in for $10!
Until next time... MAKE IT WORK!
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October 1, 2009 - Thursday
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Current mood: ninja
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) FASHION BLOG:
*Jennifer is wearing a black AC/DC mens t-shirt and beige cargo shorts
* These two items should not be worn together
* Jennifer has not washed her hair today
* Jennifer does not embody the world of fashion, but is pretty hip to the world of "what's clean today?"
* Jennifer expects to be single indefinitely...
***
Behold...
 At first glance, this dress looks pretty normal, yes? (Other than the model reflecting light as though she were a member of the 'undead,' but I really can't throw stones as I have this same problem. Having clear skin sucks, but being 'undead' is so in right now!) Anyhoo... this dress is pretty normal until you stare at the design on her chest. Is it me or does that look like really happy "man bits"? Like, REALLY happy man bits. Like, "Nope, that's no gun, you really are happy to see me!" I guess it's a good dress for a third date... (I kid! Hi Mom! I'm waiting for (my second) marriage... Yep...)
Ahem.
I guess this is the dress you wear on the fourth date in case The Third Date dress above didn't get the point across. Hehehhehh. "Point."
 Everybody sing!
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry! When I take you out in my surrey! When I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top!
Honestly, tassels have only two uses in life: To hold back your grandmother's curtains and pasties. Sigh... Why aren't people as smart as me? Hmmm?
Moving on...
 BAD, BALENCIAGA! BAD! Why would you do this to a hoodie? Where are its sleeves, hmm? Do you know why I wear hoodies? BECAUSE MY DAMN ARMS ARE COLD. How is this going to help me?! Other than giving everyone around me a good giggle, this garment has no purpose in life. (And I'm bitter that I'm nowhere near bad-ass enough to pull this off. Phooey.)
"For the honor of Grayskull, I am SHE-RA!"
When I look at this outfit, all I can think is: "You're gonna need a salve for that."
FINALLY! Something to wear to church... Take that Laura Ashley!
I think Gareth just might be in need of a FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet. Just a hunch...
 Is Les Mis being produced in the future? Please not 'one more day' of this outfit! (See what I did there? I'm channeling my inner Gleek.)
 "Does anybody feel a draft? No? Really? Just me? Huh."
 Super handy for those days you don't want anybody to sit next to you on the subway, or just in life in general.
 Goody gumdrops! Something to wear for my Live Action Role Playing of the Nightmare Before Christmas! Maybe I can finally be Pumpkin Queen! SQUEEEE!
 "I'm sorry I didn't finish making my outfit. A flock of seagulls ate my loom. And my eyes."
 I have to think if the the Borg race decided to make their version of Gossip Girl, this would be their version of "Blair 'Third of Five' Waldorf."  So many things:
1) How does one sit in this? 2) Origami is a hobby, not a skirt. 3) Not really a place I'd like to risk getting a paper cut...
 "Really? We're playing Pin The Tail On The Donkey on the runway? Okay!"
 All girls love a dress that makes us look like we have elaphantitis bra-slop going on.  "I know you can't see my shape in this horrible sack, so I'm going to point to my boob so you know where to stare when I talk."
 "I'm a little tea pot short and stout! Here is my handle, here's my ugly dress."
 Next time you don't know what to wear for your "time out..."
 "I believe I can fly!"
 Okay... what is with the weird "foot in a sack" shoe going on this season? She looks like she has a tea pot cozy on her foot. I mean, I'm all for feet that aren't cold and tea, but this Foot Cozy look has GOT to go.
 Fab! I always need a tissue!
 "Oh um, did you just come from the ladies room? Um, you may have gotten something stuck in your hoodly-hoo. And are you wearing leg warmers as shoes??"
 Well that's one hell of a treasure trail you got, lady...
 Dear Diary,
Today was a crappy day. I had to wear the Big Baggy Vagina Jumpsuit. I've had it. I'm giving up modeling and pursuing my dream of complete ennui.
Razor blades, Sad Sad Model
 End of fight results: The garbage bag won.
 Dear Diary,
At least it's not a jumpsuit.
Silver linings, Serious But Optimistic Model
And finally...
The TCB Romper: The low pockets allow for easy access for a discreet "takin' care of business" session.
***
If you like what you've read, tell your friends! If you don't like what you've read, tough nuts, friend.
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September 25, 2009 - Friday
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Current mood: eccentric
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
GUIDELINES TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PROJECT RUNWAY BLOG:
* Jennifer is (hopefully) a comedian, (definitely) not a designer * Jennifer is wearing baggy yoga shorts and an ill-fitting t-shirt as she writes this * Jennifer thinks clothing for dogs is a good thing * Jennifer wouldn't have a life if it weren't for Project Runway * Jennifer understands this is pathetic
****
RECAP of EPISODE 5:
All the news that's fit to print:
A sign of the Times: Designers make clothes out of newspaper! Steamer-Gate creates a storm on the runway! Irina coats her competition with a WIN! Johnny "lies" down for an AUF!
**** EPISODE 6:
"Hot green mess."
--Heidi
The episode opens with Ra'Mon and Logan lamenting the fate of Johnny and Malvin, their former roommates. Logan is wearing clothing so I can hardly be bothered by this exchange. (Yes, I'm just as bad as the models. I find the one straight guy, he's hot, so he's my eye candy. Sue me, I'm a hotblooded female!) The other contestants blab emptily about "stiff competition" (tee hee!) and "I'm not here to make friends." Yak yak yak. Let's make some clothes, kids! Or challenge Logan to a game of Strip Battleship. One or the other! (I have issues. I'm aware of them. Shut up.)
THE CHALLENGE:
They
meet Heidi on the runway and she tells them that since they are in LA, it's
about time to get them out of that sewing room and see what this town is
most known for. Oooh! I wanna guess! Let's see... LA is best known for its PORN! Oh no, that’s just the valley. Um... UNEMPLOYMENT!
No? ENTITLED A-HOLES! No... FAKE BOOBS? No? STRIKES?! No? Really? Sigh. I give up. Tell me, Heidi: "Moviemaking." Really? I thought that was Vancouver's claim to fame. (BAM. Take that SAG.)
So off they go to Soundstage 6 to meet Tim Gunn. (BTW, Producers, could you SHOOT a smaller sign of the studios as an establishing shot? I mean really? A laminated sign on a door? I had to press pause on TiVo to read that they are at Los Angeles Center Studios. C'mon. Who's shooting your b-roll?? Blind interns? Jeebus, do I have notes...)....
Tim greets them: "Designers, welcome to a REAL Hollywood soundstage!" Um, I love you long time, Tim Gunn, but ya'll are not ON the soundstage. You're outside the door of a closed set. Let's just call a spade a spade: "Designers, welcome to a lot that won't give us access to a soundstage even though they said they would, so we're not giving them any publicity and ultimately, you've come all this way to stand in a parking lot. Congrats!"
Logan secretly hopes that his man purse will make the girls like him less. He. Is. Wrong.
Mr. Gunn tells the designers that they will select one of 5 film genres and create a character who lives in this genre. The designers are thrilled, and I have to say, I like this challenge. It's practical and makes sense as it's a real job in the world of design. Oh sure, I keep hoping for the "make a pair of culotts out of egg crates and half-baked macaroni" challenge, but I'll settle for this one in the meantime.
Tim explains that there will be product placement---ahem--that Collier Strong from L'oreal Paris will be a "crucial" part of their challenge. He will be working closely with the designers to bring their characters to life through make-up. (HOW is this different than any other week??)
Tim: "Believe it or not, designers, this is not Mr. Clean during puberty!" Collier: "True 'nuff. I'm a bad ass."
Tim: "Sure you are. Your big earring really says, 'Mess with me.'"
The genres the designers have to choose from are: Period Piece, Science Fiction, Western, Film Noir and Action/Adventure. Irina picks first since she won last week. The other designers chose as Tim pulls their name out of the velvet bag:
Irina = Film Noir Logan = Action/Adventure Carol Hannah = Action/Adventure Ra'Mon = Science Fiction Louise = Film Noir Althea = Film Noir Gordana = Period Piece Nicolas = Science Fiction Christopher = Period Piece
Which means that the last two are left with...
Shirin = Western Epperson = Western
Poor kids.
Ra'Mon tells us that he grew up watching Star Trek (REALLY!?) and that he's huge into science fiction. Nicolas says the same. I would have NEVER guessed this in a million years. Never. Ever. I would have guessed who killed JR before this. (Yes, it's an old reference. I'm full of 'em, kids. It's how I roll.)
WORK DAY #1:
Back at FIDM, they have 30 minutes to sketch and it's a ONE DAY CHALLENGE. Um, yikes! That's super crazy!! To make up a story and character AND make the outfit in one day and for only $150?! Wow. That's rough. My heart goes out to these guys, for real. That would send me into a panic attack. But so does not being able to find a stamp when I need one.
Carol Hannah and Logan chit-chat (emptily) about their outfits since they have the same genre of Action/Adventure.
Carol Hannah: (swooning) "You're beautiful."
Logan: (sighing) "Tell me about it."
Logan says in his sound bite that CH is the only girl he's really connected with, to which, Carol Hannah says in her sound bite that she thinks Logan is hot. There's a quick shot of Logan winking at her... And then that story beat ends. BOOOO! This was the story beat that was hyped up during the week. A ROMANCE! Phooey. I've had hotter romances than this in elementary school. And NO I wasn't a slut. Yet. Mostly. I can't remember. AHEM! Moving on...
Ra'Mon and Nicolas are getting a lot of attention about their choice of Science Fiction and that they both claim to be really into it. I smell and winner and a loser. And bacon. (I like to daydream too, Nicolas!)
Off to Mood... montage of chaos ensues... Thank you Mooooooooooood!
Back in the workroom, Louise's bobbins are missing (SCANDAL? YES? No...) and Nicolas and Ra'Mon take up a lot of camera time. Ra'Mon is making a(nother) jumpsuit. (Remember his jumpsuit that he scraped from Episode #3's surfwear challenge? Yeah, it's back. But this time, its green.) And Nicolas is making an Ice Princess dress. (Which you KNOW he's had in his head for a long time.) Sigh... It's already pretty clear to me who's gonna win and who's gonna lose. (Thank goodness this show doesn't have an electoral college... too soon?)
Louise makes me worry when she says that she doesn't really have a story yet for her dress. And her bobbins are still missing. (Maybe she should talk to the steamer since it ruined Johnny's dress last week? That steamer sounds like quite a rapscallion of misdeeds!)
TIM GUNN'S CRITIQUE:
Tim starts with Gordana. She's doing a period piece. (Anybody else wish that one of the period piece designers would have made a dress out of maxi-pads? A necklace out of tampons? A fan out of pantiliners? Yes? Anybody? No? I'm alone? I'm alone. Okay, that's cool. I'm used to it.) Gordana has chosen the 20's and is doing a flapper dress for a girl who is coming out into her own for the first time. Tim Gunn tells her to make the back lower. I love the color she's using and Tim seems encouraged. (But then again, he loved her newspaper dress...)
Christopher is up next. He tells Tim that it's a vampire bride in a Victorian era. Tim is a bit aghast that she has bare arms. (Make a Victorian hoodie, Christopher!) Tim is worried that it's not 1800's enough.
Epperson makes Tim exclaim, "Annie get your gun!" He loves the western themed dress, "Carry on!" (Oh my, guess who'll be in the Top 3 but not win I wonder... hmmmm.)
Ra'Mon is next. OMG. If Kermit the Frog were to join Cirqu du Soleil, this is what he would wear. Even Tim Gunn says, "This could be sublime, or it could be a big hot mess."
Louise has an under slip of the dress to show Tim. Tim urges Louise that she needs to pump it up and stop being minimal, "Take the DNA you have as a designer and push it!"
Nicolas jokes, "I'm obviously doing Western!" He tells Tim that she's an evil villian. Tim tells him it's a bit safe.
And there's your top 3 and bottom 3 folks! GRRRRRRRRRRR! I almost felt like I didn't need to watch the rest of the episode.
Tim leaves them with a cheery: "I want to remind you that someone's going home. So I want you to look around this room and assess where your own work is in relation to other designers and just be as ambitious as you can be." MAN! All he needed to add to the end of that was, "NUT UP, DESIGNERS!" Yeeks.
"Thank goodness I'm not in Europe or this gesture would indeed be very rude."
The models come in for fittings and make-up consultations. Ra'Mon's model, Vanessa, is horrified at the prospect of another jumpsuit. You can see it on her face. Ra'Mon decides with 2 hours left to scrap the jumpsuit and make a dress. Why not? It worked last time...
Meanwhile, Louise turns herself into a human Frankenstein and sews right through her finger and handles it... gracefully. Unlike when Jillian (remember her from season 4?) who didn't sew through her finger but dramatically claimed (as though auditioning for Sweeney Todd) that there was blood everywhere. Good for Louise keeping it together like a professional, but booooo for the audience. I have to say it: This episode is really a snoozefest but without the benefit of some good spooning. (Oh, Logan...! And yes, I'm aware that I'm a cougar...)
RUNWAY MORNING:
Epperson eats oatmeal! The girls and Nicolas do their hair! OH THE DRAMA!
The girls talk about how much they have to finish, especially Gordana. Sigh. Doomed. She's doomed.
Back in the work room, they finish their looks and blab about "I'm gonna be safe" and "the judges are gonna love me." Zzzzzzz...... Is it me or really, did this episode play out like stereo instructions? Just a lot of filler with very little content.
THE RUNWAY:
Heidi comes out to introduce the judges and we see that Nina and Michael still aren't there. Which leads me to believe that Michael is pregnant with Nina's lovechild. Wait. Reverse that. Or not? (SNAP!)
Our judges are as follows: John Varvatos, designer. Editor for Marie Claire Magazine, Zoe Glassner, and Oscar-nominated costume designer for Walk the Line, Arianne Phillips.
Heidi: "I'm wearing sequined leggings!" Zoe: "We know and we're trying not to look at you." Heidi: "Well at least I'm not wearing my grandmother's doilie." John: "Would you both shut up? At least you're not wearing the same thing as someone else." Arianne: "That's why I can't even look at the camera, I'm so embarrassed. Tim Gunn said we should have caucused!"
SAFE:
IRINA - Film Noir:  Irina: "Kalyn looks like a film noir actress. She looks like she just stepped off a set. I'm so happy that she's able to do that because it needs that in a costume and I just want to run up there and give her a kiss."
This dress looks lovely on the runway, but when there was a close-up of it in the work room, it looked messy. A bit unfinished. I agree with this being "safe" and I could aslo see this definitely being in a noir film. Very LA Confidential.
CAROL HANNAH - Action/Adventure:  CH: "As my garment is coming down the runway, it hits me as 'wow.' As soon as she takes the jacket off it just looks really good. It's really hot! This is a pretty big stretch for me so I was happy that I was able to pull it off."
What's that gold ass-apron around her waist? I don't get it. I guess it's Lara Croft Tomb Raider-ish, but other than a fun bedroom outfit (WHAT?!) I don't really see it as action/adventure. I mean, who can scale a fence in that outfit?? I doubt she can even bend over without a boob popping out. (Like I said, "bedroom" outfit...)
And doesn't it look a little similar to...
LOGAN - Action/Adventure:
 Logan: "I like how powerful the look is, you really know that she's been in battle, but I was going for something that was going to be dramatic on the runway and I feel like I did that."
Really, hotpants, you feel you accomplished that? Gotta say, Logan, I'm surprised you weren't in the bottom 3 with this. This is horrible. What have you done to Kojii's legs and crotch?! Why are her lady bits so wrinkled and WHY do her tiny legs look bulky?! You have the perfect model to do this genre with and you missed. BAD LOGAN! BAD! (And BTW, Carol Hannah did this look better... just saying.)
SHIRIN - Western:
 Shirin: "I'm watching my model, Ebony, walking down the runway and I told her to give it a little dance and she goes all out. It looks really good. Everything seems to pop and just look amazing."
It's pretty, fits the genre and that's about all I have to say about it. Except for that Shirin should call her model by her proper Dream Team name: "Ebonisha." (GAG.)
ALTHEA - Film Noir:
 Althea: "I definitely feel like I've created a film noir outfit and it's true to that sort of feeling, the era, the 40's. Tanisha is playing the role so well that it really seems like a movie instead of a catwalk."
Maybe she's just crying from the heels, Althea? This look isn't innovative AT ALL to me. It's a pencil skirt, a shirt and a bra. Whooopppeeeedoo. It's boring. Very well made, but bor-ing. There is ZERO risk in this outfit. ZERO. Seriously. I can put this look together with what I have in my closet and THAT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT AS I AM FASHION-CHALLENGED.
I have no idea how this is safe. Maybe Heidi wasn't getting proper blood flow due to her SEQUINED LEGGINGS. (I'm not over them...)
TOP 2:
EPPERSON - Western:
 Epperson: "I'm totally excited. Matar she's like amazing. Such a nice connection and we both just ran with it. You can really see she's a western, tattered lady from that time. I'm proud of what I put out there."
Epperson explains to the judges that his character is alone as her husband is out fighting in "the war," and she's left to take care of the land and her children. She even has a gun in her knickers. (That's what she said!) He blended beautiful and tattered at the same time. The judges love how he thought outside of the box and the craftsmanship.
I have to say, MATAR ROCKED THIS. And I'm so glad the judges told her so. THIS is why it's a competition for the models too. She managed to embody her outfit and not just wear it. I'm so glad this was brought up in the judging. Matar and Epperson were a fabulous team. (Emphasis on WERE.)
CHRISTOPHER - Period Piece: Christopher: "My garment really created this pride and Katie was really able to put forth what this woman would look like on the runway. I've really taken something that could still stand as a piece in my own runway show."
Well, "I ain't got no learnin'" not only didn't learn fashion, but he tells the judges that he hasn't bothered to learn history either so they should just be ready for historical inaccuracies. His model is a bride and she has to make a big decision. She has a secret that she's a vampire and she can marry her dude and make him a vampire or she can run away and never see him again, and just blog about it for eternity. Ahem.
The judges love his story and like how he thinks. I have to agree - it really is beautiful. I think what saves this is that she's a vampire bride. So he found an "out" to being historically uneducated and added an element of fantasy to it. SMART. Because if she was just a straight up Victorian broad, this wouldn't hold up.
WINNER!
NICOLAS - Science Fiction:  Nicolas: "Watching Celine walking down the runway is definitely is me and it does tell a story. I really pushed the envelope and I'm nervous because it could go either way. I could completely bomb or I could win this."
Nicolas tells the judges that his character is one of three sister queens who control the universe and she was thinking of overthrowing the other two sisters but they find out and banish her to a crypt where she's frozen for eternity. Okay. That's interesting. But I gotta say - this looks like an outfit for a movie on the Sci-Fi channel. Oh sorry. Sy-Fy. (Idiots. WHO CAME UP WITH THAT?!) Maybe it's just lost through TV, but this dress looks cheap to me. Celine looks great, but the dress looks cheap.
The judges LOOOOVE it, however. (Anybody else find the judges boring this week too?!) They just praise him in very uninteresting ways. Zzzzz.
BOTTOM 2:
GORDANA:
Godana: "I definitely have created a character that I wanted to create. I am very confident and I'm very happy with the outcome. But you never know with the judges!"
Boy howdy, you truly never do know with these bi-polar judges. WHY is this in the bottom 3?! So sorry, but Althea's Ann Taylor Loft outfit and Logan's crazy Party City costume should have been here before Gordana. I TOTALLY disagree with the judges. And somebody call out Collier Strong on that HOT MESS of a wig on her head. BLECH! Horrible! Smack that guy, somebody!
The judges just don't think this look is a signature piece or special. That's it. They love her skill, but (and get this) she made a dress that looks like a dress that would be from that time period and that was wrong. The judges want to know: "Where is your point of view?" Okay. I get this. BUT, if I'm making a flapper dress for a movie and my POV is to put a hoodie on the back of the dress, I'm gonna get my sweet ass fired. K? Make the challenge specific. Either it's create a costume that could be in film OR it's a film INSPIRED piece. Because she nailed the genre. NAILED IT. Maybe if she had a second day to this challenge, it would have had a few more touches.
Sigh... I don't understand...
LOUISE - Film Noir:
 Louise: "I think it's a really pretty dress but its just not as show stopping as some of the others. I wanted to do 40's and mix a little 20's in with it but it just didn't come across well as either one of the time periods."
YIKES! Fatma - what was that walk? You looked miserable and you walked like you had a mishap in your shorts. Oh sure, I can't walk in those heels either, but I'm not getting paid... oh wait, neither are you. Well it's your job, lady. WALK IT OUT!
Louise tells them that she wanted to make her model an actress who's going to an industry party where they are expected to dress in costume, so she's a 40's version of a flapper. Zoe doesn't think that Louise got it right in that it's a time era in a time era and the dress looks like a convoluted mess. (And yet, historical inaccuracies were okay for Christopher?) Zoe goes on to say it looks like a cheap costume you buy at the store. (NO. Logan's is. Seriously. Louise's is at least a Fredrick's Of Hollywood line. What? I do know these things, you know! I'm a new old biddy but I ain't dead, people.)
I felt SO BADLY for Louise. She really got hammered for something that doesn't deserve it. Honestly - this look to me is SAFE. Althea. Logan. I'm looking at you guys. Guess which one is shirtless in my head...? (Yeah, it's all I got...)
AUF'D:
Ra'Mon - Science Fiction:
 Ra'Mon: "As she's walking down the runway there's a feeling of joy. The placement of certain things aren't exactly what I wanted, so I just have to be able to convey my story to the judges."
Ra'Mon tells the judges that his character's name is Lola. Ra'Mon, I'm gonna let you finish but HOLY BUTTCRACKS, her science fiction name isn't LOLA. It's Blemgorf or Rimfratz or Nazzlecheese. Something. NOT. LOLA.
He goes on to yak about home planets and some other noise, but really, all you can hear is the loudness of the dress. The judges give him kudos on the story, but really hate the swamp-thing, b-movie style dress.
Heidi is really upset at this piece 'o swampgrass that he's turned out because she really likes him as a designer. The judges also acknowledge that the leather is hard to work with and that he kinda sabotaged himself. Although he took a risk, it didn't pay off.
So Ra'Mon joins the legions of auf'd designers. Anybody else wish his final bite was ala Star Trek, "Dammit, Heidi, I'm a med-school dropout, not a costumer!" Just me? K.
MODELS OF THE RUNWAY:
"I love to say, I'm an acquired taste." --Fatma
Vanessa is upset because the trend has been, if your designer goes, his model goes too. And Ra'Mon is out.
"I'd rather be in neoprene right now..."
Back at the apartment, the girls talk about designer loyalty and they all seem pretty sure that they aren't going home.
The girls also talk about Logan and how hot he is. (Thank you, Producers, for an extended shirtless shot of Logan!)
Fatma: "He should do a calendar." Matar: "Yeah he should."
Tara: "What's a calendar?"
OOOO! Models eat fro-yo! Me too!
Let's just get to the runway... where Heidi lets the designers know that they are NOT allowed to pick their current model again - they HAVE to switch it up. Vanessa is THRILLED, the other models, however, pee a little.
And here's how it breaks down...
* Nicolas picks... Kalyn * Epperson... JUST KIDDING! Oh Heidi, you scamp. Epperson is always last. * Christopher... Celine * Epperson (for reals)... Tanisha * Gordana... Matar
Epperson thanks Gordana for picking Matar because he loves her so much, and Gordana responds, "Hey, it's not for you, it's for me." True. Was Tara the weak link in Gordana's runway perhaps? We'll find out!
* Logan... Lisa (all the girls are jealous of Lisa now!) * Irina... Katie * Carol Hannah... Ebony (EBONISHA!) * Shirin... Vanessa (SAFE another week, girl!) * Althea... Tara
And HOW on God's green planet did it come down to KOJII and FATMA? I would have thought Tara and Fatma, but not Kojii.
Fatma: "I'm an acquired taste."
Kojii: "Too many jokes, not enough time."
The last designer is Louise and since Fatma was her model before, she can't pick her. She she "ends up with" Kojii by default. Whatever! At least Kojii is safe and Fatma can pack her bags and get off my television screen forever. AND I'm excited to see Louise and Kojii together. I hope they talk about their bangs.
Fatma: "Bye, girls! Send me a calendar with Logan on it!" Tara (offscreen): "What's a calendar?!"
(PS - no offense to Tara, she just happened to be in the picture and I needed a callback. I'm sure she knows what a calendar is. Don't write me letters about this. Unless you don't know how to spell, then write me a long letter because that's fun for me.)
****
Make sure to check out Lifetime for TONS of PR and MOTR extras! Bid on the looks from this week here!
If you like my PR blogs, check out my Ready To Wear critiques Part 1 and Part 2.
Until next week, MAKE IT WORK, PEOPLE!
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September 23, 2009 - Wednesday
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Current mood: awake
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
GUIDE TO READING JENNIFER (EOLIN'S) PART II FASHION BLOG:
* Jennifer had 11 cups of green tea today * 11!! For the love of God, 11 cups!!! * Jennifer should be in bed - it's 2am * Jennifer is not in bed - it's 2:01am * Jennifer could run to Texas and back right now due to all her energy, but will blog instead * OMG JENNIFER (EOLIN) IS SO AWAKE RIGHT NOW * Tomorrow is gonna suck * Oh, it's already tomorrow... * This guideline is about as helpful as the instructions you get at IKEA * Sorry 'bout that * 11 cups!!!!!!!!!! * 2:03am
***
Growing up, I loved to judge things. My sister and I would actually play "Miss America" with our Barbie dolls. And we were complete bitches about the judging process. (Who's surprised? Show of hands...) We just loved dressing the dolls up and then saying, "Oh you're so pretty, Peaches and Cream Barbie! But Golden Dream Barbie, you are looking a little rough around the edges and that color pink is a bit garish against your peeling tan, lady!" ME-OWCH.
So as you can see, my rampant jackassery and penchant for judging began at a young age. It probably started in the womb to be honest: "Mom! Your falopian tubes are lopsided! And your ovaries are SO last year. And don't EVEN get me started on how cramped my living conditions are. I'm going to wrinkle!!"
In case you haven't guessed, I'm a complete treat to hang out with.
Either way... why stop a good thing? Let the judging commence!
***
The purpose of this blog was to highlight what I liked from the Ready To Wear lines presented in NYC (and London) last week. But me being me, I found more "outfits" that I can't believe haven't gotten a few designers committed to the looney bin. Or at least landed them a key costumer position at Ringling Brothers.
I love this jacket!!! (I'm a jacket girl - the more layers, the happier I am. It's the east coast in me. Or the fact that I get cold in 72 degree weather...) But what I don't love about this ensemble (besides the knee-choker pantaloons) is the third hand creepily dangling like a "Michael Jackson Wannabe Crotch Grabber." (Too soon?)
 HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIE! HAPPY FISTS! Love the color, love the slouchiness of the sleeves, love the cut. HATE THE ZEBRA LEGGINGS. Son of a B, Stella. Get with the program. What about a nice pair of yoga shorts? Or even short shorts? Or snow pants? (What?) I'm just saying... there are a ton of better options than leggings. TONS. Melted Saran Wrap covered in bees who have anthrax and bad attitudes is a MUCH better option than f'ing zebra leggings.
STELLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
 This one time? At bandcamp? I GOT BEAT UP CUZ I LOOKED LIKE A COMPLETE TOOLBAG. There is not ONE bit of this outfit that makes me think SEXY TIME. AND, I should note, that my first kiss ever was on a band bus in FULL UNIFORM. (I know, you're jealous. Nothing says romance like stuffy wool uniforms with the smell of insecurity, bus fuel and Clearasil in the air...) And yet, this "band inspired outfit" makes me want to find a fluglehorn and beat you with it, Anna Sui. Not kiss you, BEAT YOU! (And by the way, the guy I kissed is now a minister. Yep. I'm magic.)
 This dress would look COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS on me, but OMG, I heart it like a hobo hearts a good stink. I love the vibrant red. I love the cut. I love how it hugs the model's body and I want it to hug mine. I want to wear this in the privacy of my own apartment, maybe to make breakfast in after a long night of blogging... Ahem. Moving on...!
 I would wear this in a heartbeat. It's so chic and would fit into an office setting (unless its in Scranton) or out to a nice night time event. (You know, cuz I go to so many events. Sigh... Note to self: Go to Target, buy Slimfast, razors and a life-- not the cereal.)
Although, I'm curious as to how that shirt comes off. Is it me or does it look a little complicated? Are there buttons? A zipper? Hooks? Velcro? Magic? Or is it a one-piece that you peel off and ultimately get deodorant all over in the process? (PET PEEVE!!! NOTHING MAKES ME ANGRIER! Okay, a few things...) Anyway, biddies like me worry about these details. And yes, it would keep me from buying the shirt. Oh that and I don't have a paycheck right now. Details.
 YES PLEASE. Everything about this: YES. I love orange. I actually look good in the color and don't resemble a pumpkin at all. (Unless I'm retaining water.) I love the neck, the criss-cross details across "the girls" and the slit is super sexy and not in danger of showing off my Georgia O'Keeffe. Plus, I might actually look like I have a waist in this dress instead of looking like a tube of toothpaste that's been 1/4 squeezed and left out on the counter without the top on correctly. (No, I don't have self-esteem issues, WHY do you ask?!)
 JACKET! I LOVE JACKET! I LOVE BLUE JACKET! HAPPY FISTS!
(Sometimes, it's just that easy to make me happy, folks...)
 WHEN WILL I BE FAMOUS SO I CAN WEAR THIS?!?!?!? WHEN? Dammit. It's not about the financial security or any of that. IT'S ABOUT BEING ABLE TO WEAR A BEAUTIFUL DRESS LIKE THIS AND HAVE A (LEGIT) REASON TO BE WEARING IT. I mean, seriously, there are pictures of me in dressing rooms across America that say: "If you see this girl, she's NOT buying whatever she's trying on. STOP HER IMMEDIATELY. Distract her with a hoodie and a soft pretzel." Sigh...
 I liked this dress when I initially saw it, but then after a minute I thought to myself: "Does it look like she rolled around on the floor while yelling, 'I'm a human Swiffer, ya'll!'? Yes. Yes it does."
 The newest look: Bozo Chic. Coming to a circus near you.
 I like this one. It's simple, like me. Although I'm worried that the silver might blend in with my blue/white skin and this might just look like I'm going through a molting period and in need of a good lotioning. And I think I might have to work out my neck to carry that necklace. I'm a delicate daisy.
 While I hated the cut-outs in the dress from the previous blog... call me bi-polar, but I like the cut-outs here. I like how he worked them in naturally to the garment by having all the cut-outs occur at the seam. Beautiful. Love the colors, love the look, like the effect. But guess what it DOES NOT translate well into:
 MENSWEAR. HOLY MUD FLAPS. He looks like he washed his sweater and it got caught in the agitator and he said, "F it. Shrunk my pants too? Major F. OH wells, gots to go to work and shizz. Here I come world, welcome to my awesome."
Men need all the help they can get, Kors, why you gotta hate?
This just makes me happy. It's "Ready to Wear" for sure. And the knee length is good. You know, for us 30-mumble-something-year-olds. Apparently I'm of an age where "above the knee" is considered "age inappropriate." Phooey. If there's an appropriate knee length, is their an appropriate arm length for shirts? Hmm? I mean, elbows can be slutty! Look at them, they are ASKING for it. EQUAL RIGHTS FOR JOINTS! (I'll start a Facebook page...)
 WHY CALVIN WHY?! What did this poor model do to you? I have no idea why, but the way she's holding her arms and the way the fabric is laying on her, she looks like one of those giant inflatable men that flap their arms outside of cell phone stores. Right?? RIGHT??
 One question for you Zac Posen: How many Herry Monsters were harmed in the making of this garment? HMM?!
I have no idea what this dress looks like because it looks like its floating and it's FREAKING me out.
Zac Posen, you are a hot mess as a designer. So thank God for the small favor that you are super hot:
 OH yeah. Wanna come over and blog? I have this red dress, see... ( WHAT?!)
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