Got To Try A New Position...

Well Hello my friends!  I know you wondered what rock I crawled under or was hit on the head by, but it's been quite a journey and I just haven't had the wherewith all to write, then it had been so long, it's like, well where do you start?  And who really cares at this point what you've been doing!!!  Well my dear Linda (my web mom) sent me a "THE UNIVERSE IS CALLING" email asking if I had become totally lazy in reference to my  blog and website and just what would my coach think about that?!?  Well She was right and indeed it had been truly too long since I've been online and in touch. So I left off somewhere late last year after my fiasco in San Jose. So I headed to Miami for a while and contemplated staying but after much reflection, realized that certainly wasn't the answer. We were prepared for a lot of things after leaving the Starting Over house but when NOTHING worked out the way I planned after the show I really was a bit lost for a while.  Frankly It felt like I had been tossed off a luxury cruise ship with a life raft and a paddle in the middle of the ocean. Ok, good luck making it back to shore...It took me back to that life raft exercise we did when Alison jumped in the raft to save her life and I gave up after Christina grabbed all the supplies...Who knew that  lesson would come in handy so soon?

Well this time I had a chance to make another choice.  In the lifeboat exercise, I "went as far as I could "and then I gave up.  In my real life lesson, I had to make another choice, giving up wasn't an option so as unpleasant as it was, I pushed through...I went to visit Jodi in Atlanta and had planned to stay with her for a month, see what the city had to offer and look for a job.  Well Jodi's place wasn't quite as large as the starting over house and we quickly found ourselves on each others nerves so that month became a week and soon I had to find somewhere else to stay.  I have lots of friends in Atlanta so I took turns staying with several of them all the while praying to GOD to send me a sign of what my next step was to be.  Two days before my month was up and my extended stay with another friend was quickly coming to the end I was reading the paper and saw an ad for a sales rep for a local plus size wholesale company.  I called the company emailed my resume and waited.  On the third day after I promised the friend I was staying with I'd be leaving, I hadn't heard from the job and it was time to go.  Out of time and money,  I went back to Miami.

No sooner than I arrived back in Miami, the company called to schedule an interview.  Not offer me the job, just an interview. Broke and having exhausted all my places to stay in Atlanta, my only hope of getting back to Atlanta for this interview was the people in San Jose living up to their commitment and sending me the money they owed me for my expenses over the month I worked for them.  They promised to send it when I returned their laptop. I did and waited...No check. Nothing. How could this happen?  Here I'm doing all this great work to turn my life around and  it seems to be getting worse by the day! Well it's always darkest before the dawn...

Time was running out.  I had a week before the interview in Atlanta, and even if I did go and get the job, I had no money and no where to stay. Hello Universe?  It's me again.  Here's the deal.  I don't know a lot, but I do know I am doing my best here to live right, do the right thing and be responsible for myself. But it doesn't seem to be working. Please send me a sign, order my steps, point me in the right direction. Help me not let what I see stand in the way of what's meant to be for me. I sat on the beach and spoke it just as I had on that balcony in the house. I took Pink back to my mom's place and went to bed.  And just as sure as the sun rises, so did my spirit literally the next day...

My stepmom called, she would pay for my ticket back to Atlanta.  My sister-in-law called, she had a friend I could stay with until I got on my feet. My best friend Jason called, he'd send me some traveling money. Ask and you shall receive.  Just like that.  So I booked my flight, headed back to Atlanta and within three days I had a new job and a new start.  But what I didn't have was a car.  My sister-in-law graciously agreed to let me use her car, and for a few weeks we car pooled, I picked her up, she picked me up it was great, until it got old. Really quick.  It's like house guests and fish, they both start to smell after a few days...

Don't get me wrong, her heart was in the right place and  she meant well.  She totally did.  But being responsible for another grown persons well being, where they live, how they get to work, especially someone you really just met?  Well it's just not easy.  I knew it.  I felt it.  Especially as acutely sensitive as I am to not asking for help. I greatest fear of geeting to know my new family at this time was entering the family as the desperate broke relative. I mean hello!  They met me on a reality TV show!!! As the days passed, it got more and more uncomfortable and while I was saving money, I didn't have enough to buy a car or get a place yet, the Holidays were approaching and all I could think was I wanted to go home.

And I did.  I spent the Holidays in Miami with my mom and Pink and Jason and the break did everyone well.  My sister-in-law and my brother had time to talk I imagine and rethink what they'd gotten into and came up with a way to get out of it.  I was scheduled to move in with them the first of the year for a few months until I had enough cash to get my own place. Instead as a Christmas gift, they along with my dad and step mom helped me get my own place in Atlanta.  So January 2nd, I moved into my new apartment in midtown and while the difficult conversation was never spoken I think we all understood. It's like the words to the song...

Them thats got shall get
Them thats not shall lose
So the Bible said and it still is news
Mama may have, papa may have
But God bless the child thats got his own
Thats got his own

Yes, the strong gets more
While the weak ones fade
Empty pockets don't ever make the grade
Mama may have, papa may have
But God bless the child thats got his own
Thats got his own

Money, you've got lots of friends
Crowding round the door
When you're gone, spending ends
They don't come no more
Rich relations give
Crust of bread and such
You can help yourself
But don't take too much
Mama may have, papa may have
But God bless the child thats got his own
Thats got his own

Mama may have, papa may have
But God bless the child thats got his own
Thats got his own
He just worry bout nothing
Cause hes got his own

Which brings me to today. It's been a long ride on some rough seas but I finally feel like I've made it safely to shore. I'm developing a strong client base at work, my relationship with my mom is fantastic and while I didn't come into my father's side of the family in the way I wanted, I know God has a reason for everything. I cannot thank them enough for being there for me through this storm.  I always had dreams that I'd meet my father backstage after some fabulous show I was starring in. I played that out in my mind a million times.  But that wasn't what God had planned for me.  The fact that the beginning of my relationship with my new family found me at my most vulnerable point in life certainly has a poetry of it's own. It's like once I opened myself up to live this authentic life, every fear I ever had of what that would look like came true. I'd get fooled by people I trusted, I'd be homeless, I'd have to depend on the kindness of virtual strangers, I would lose my fame and just be a normal person.  I'd no longer be the life of the party. I wouldn't have a mic or a stage or a camera to validate who I was.  It all came true...

And not only did I live, I thrived.  I have found a sense of gratitude for my life that I can honestly say I never felt before.  I used to have this saying from Martin Luther King  on my wall, "Courage Faces Fear and Thereby Masters It".  I finally know what that truly means. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to follow your heart when you don't  know where it's going. I don't know why I'm where I am in my life right now. But for the first time, I don't need to know.  I do know that god will reveal each step to me in just enough time to take it and that if I continue to live my life from this place of gratitude I will appreciate all my small quiet moments just as much as the big live and in color ones.  And both are important to maintaining a healthy, happy, balanced life.

So that's where we are now. Starting Over.  Everyday.  Can I just tell you though,  that my exercises on reactionary speaking have come in the most handy being back in the workplace.  That's a whole 'nother story that I'll tell you about later...But I had to try a new position in my life. And I did.  I am looking at life from a whole nother angle...And ready to let the next chapter begin!

Hi Y'all!

Greetings from Atlanta, where I have finally settled into my own place!  So nice!  Now I'm trying to catch up with everyone...

I haven't had internet access for quite awhile, but will be back online again after this weekend.  The new job is great, I am constantly busy with it!  If you haven't filled out a survey form for www.styleisaplus.com , please consider doing it now! 

Talk to you soon....your friend Jill!

As the new year approaches, I just wanted to take a moment to say a very special "THANK YOU" to you all! It is so important to me to know that you are out there, following my trials and successes. I appreciate that the show Starting Over was important to you, and hopefully helpful also! I have received soooooooooo many many emails from you telling me just that! I'm proud to have been a part of something that did actually help viewers manage their own lives.

Knowing that you have opened my newsletters and email messages means so much to me! I will hold you and your thoughts close to my heart as time goes by, a cherished memory that will continue to provide me the fuel I need to keep working and improving my own life. I cannot tell you how much it means that so many people are rooting for me, for my successes! It is just unbelieveable! My life has changed so much in the past year and a half since appearing on the show. Yes, l ran into some of life's "bumps", but I keep going, over or around them. Life is so interesting, so special.

I wish you the very best for your new year! Love 'ya, mean it! Jill

I hope each and every one of you has the most merry Christmas season! I hope you are able to enjoy being with your family members over the Holidays, and that all who are far away remain safe and sound.

I promise I will update my blogs soon! Gosh, this new job has me busy from 6am to 10pm every day, and on weekends I am just exhausted. If you haven't checked out www.styleisaplus.com, please do. I have posted several pages of styles for larger women, which are available to retailers/wholesalers. Sorry, I can't sell them individually to you, but if you like them, please ask your favorite retailers to check them out.

When you make your New Year's Resolutions, aim high! HAPPY NEW YEAR from Jill Tracey.

www.justaskjillonline.com

Random but somehow connected thoughts on what I've been doing lately...

Well Dorothy had Toto, I've got Pink.  My faithful companion and the sweetest Min Pin in the world...I often have my most profound earth shattering thoughts when it's just me and pink out for a stroll...We've been spending alot of time at the ocean lately.  I'm back in Miami for a few weeks and now that my mom is quite the woman about South Beach,  everyone knows Pink and speaks to her when we're out walking...It's hysterical.  Even my dog is popular now...

Outside of the people that I run into that remember me from being on the radio here, I don't get recognized much down here.  Well considering the show didn't come on in Miami in it's last season (I continue to believe that was the work of my mother's powerful prayers that she NOT have to watch it!) The occasional tourist will stop me and say, Hey, don't I know you? but other than that I am pretty anonymous these days and that's been a good thing.

It's so odd when I'm having one of those days when I'm sure the world and it's entirety is going to fall on my head, and someone comes up to you with the biggest bear hug and says "OH my GOD!  Thank you so much for sharing your story on Starting Over!! It help me change my life!!!" And I just wanna say, I'm so glad it worked out for you...'Cause right now...I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!!

I walked around for a few months like that. Well August and September.  Most of October.  Sad and distracted. I had a VERY bad experience with a fan of the show back in August that brought up all my old issues of trust and manipulation and vunerability, it was a mess.  Somehow I thought, because I was doing all this work to create an authentic life, only honest, trust worthy, authentic people would come my way...

SIKE! I trusted someone who lied to me and because of their lies, I put myself in a very precarious situation. Straight out lied to me about who they were and their intentions for getting to know me.  Paris Hilton, David Letterman have stalkers... I Never even saw it coming... 

Blew my mind and broke my heart to think that If I continue to live in trust and vunerability, I could continue to come across people like this.  That being the case, what's it all for to live the life your soul intended when people around you aren't doing the same??

Well now that the pity party is over, I realize that as much as I want to beleive we can all holds hands and sing Kum-bi-ya, the reality is there are alot of joyless jealous, sad and lonely people in the world and I can't let them steal my light just because they are unwilling to do the work to see the light in their own lives. Additionally I have to use these experiences as a mirror in my own life to see where I'm not living up to the commitments I've made to myself.

I'm born on the same day as Mother Teresa and my mother used to call me that when I was young.  That I'm always trying to help those on the outside looking in.  I always feel a kinship with those who don't quite fit.  I get a real sense of satisfaction from helping others blossom, finding the way to let their light shine!  Which is why I think my journey was so special on Starting Over.  Because I always longed for someone to do that for me...See me in a way others didn't see me.  Look behind the smile and see the tears of someone who wanted to be wanted just for being me...

Iyanla saw that person behind my smile and welcoming me to the world with open arms. Rhonda saw that person and cried with me and shared with me that I could accept and love that person even if I never changed another thing. Dr. Stan appreciated that person and her innocence "warmed the cockles of his heart"  My SO sisters saw her and held my hand until I was free enough to let the sadness and anger in me go... Victim to Victor.

What I realizing more and more everyday is you have to be that victor in the grey.  Victory is not always black and white.  Right or wrong. There is alot of grey matter in life and the true test of a fufilled life is to be able to be in it but not of it. I didn't try to go tit for tat with this person.  I was wounded, took some time away to lick my wounds, and learn from the situation that even though I was hurt, I am not a victim anymore.  No, no never no more...

So for all those who've been writing, what the hell has happened to you???  Where are you??? I'd fallen, but don't worry...I got up!!!

Talk to you soon!

Jill

I am off to Atlanta! My spirit has drawn me to opportunities in Atlanta so if you're in Georgia, I'd love to hear from you. Let's get together for cocktails! Please send your info! (Sub: Jill let's get together in Hotlanta!) at HeyJill@justaskjillonline.com. Thanks! Hope to chat with you soon!

NEWSLETTER: The September newsletter is going out at midnight! Sign up now at my website right away: www.justaskjillonline.com - on the front page there is a sign-up button.

You WILL NOT believe this shit.  I can't believe it! I can't share right now just pray for me all...'cause there are some folks out here that are not about helping us reach our highest good and no matter how much work you do you may still run into them.  Trust me.

Oh, and thanks for the love and support on the "Love of my Life" thing.  Well I saw him and oddly enough I soon remembered why I burnt up all his shit.  He's a punisher.  It's like nothing I ever do will be enough for him to give me the respect I give him so you know what?  I don't have shit to prove to him anymore so love ya, mean it!  You guys I walked away from it clean.  and it's all good.  I have finally closed that chapter of my life.  Praise God.  Forgive me the profanity but these issues I'm dealing with right now need this sort of punctuation.

more to come...

For the Love of Christmas why is this so difficult?  Love. Sex. Dating. Companionship. Passion. I am a cupcake away right now...Ok so I have spoken to both my true love and Mr. No Expectations since my last blog...Both continue to be a source of heartache.  All the nifty work I've done on reshaping my life and here I am again in this vortex of emotions.  I mean things are going pretty good these days, had a lovely vacation to New York and Chicago, reconnected with friends and family, work is looking promising, I feel good, look good, and yet still,  my true love (which I never really told just how much I really loved him...) and Mr. No Expectations (What an idiot) still have me circling the drain of my emotions...

In fact, maybe there in lies the problem...I was never in a committed relationship with my true love...We were friends...with benefits...But as always happens in those relationships, your feelings start to grow and shift and usually never at the same time as the other person.  He was completely into me, I acted like I didn't care...then of course by the time I realized how amazing he was, he'd found someone else who showed him how much she cared...The games people play...You never know just how long lasting those consequences will be...Well many years have healed alot of the scars of the past and for me have intensified the feelings I was never secure enough to share. He says he's forgiven me and we can move on...but I feel like I'm waiting on a miracle waiting for him to call...

Can someone truly love you and not seek to be near you? Good sense would tell me that I need to just move on because I'm blocking the blessing of my gentle giant coming into my life the longer I hold out for what was once a great unestablished love...But there is nothing sensical about the way I feel! I ask God many times to send him back to me. I prayed the day would come when I would hear from him again.  And like the words to a song, here you come again... I have dreamed I would tell him how much I have always loved him, feel his breath on the back of my neck,  hear his voice and know that's where I belong...

Then I don't hear from him for weeks and Mr. No Expectations calls... I talk to him hoping it will help me stop thinking about my love but it only makes it worse.   Mr. No E. is no substitute for love...And pining away for someone who apparently only thinks of me twice a month is starting to feel 20 miles short of sanity.  This is no place for a woman learning to love again...Is God winking or laughing at me right now??? Have I chosen to create a self-sabotaging situation because my life was going so well I just couldn't take it?  Did I panic when my days of misery were gone? Am I choking on my happiness? Or am I just seconds away from my goal and afraid to keep moving so I'm creating my own roadblocks and places to stop along the road and cry...

But I know better now.  Which I why I can't sit in this place for long...the truth is I know I am a beautiful, intelligent, loving and compassionate woman willing to share all that I am with the man who loves me. I know that to be true. So why would I waste a tear on a man who doesn't know what to do with that?  Or would negate that and not show me the same love in return? Cause long ago somehow I wired love and pain together in stereo.  And here I stand, in mono, trying to make the love connection the only way I know how...Painfully....I'm going about it again the only way I've known how...But the truth is there is a man waiting for me who will look at me and see his future, see love and joy and freedom and laughter and happiness...What will it take for me to take off these veils of self sacrifice and unrequited love off so he can see me?