It's been brought to my attention that my last entry may be misinterpreted in ways that could really make me look like an asshole. So I've taken a portion down for it to only grace my blog archives from this point on. I don't know if I just didn't make my language clear enough or some subconscious feelings somehow wedged their way in between the lines. I really hope it's not the latter or else I'm just another fool.

I think I'll go take a bus to the beach solo some time soon. Or just meander around campus in the dead of night to re-evaluate myself as it seems necessary. Who knows. I might come back the same, I might come back changed, I might come back different. Like always I hope that I end up in the middle... changed somehow, not just a little and not a lot, just in the middle.

Truly.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now - here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young

...

They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while --- The Killers "When You Were Young"

This is my new sob song. That's your cue to get outta here while you can before you get tired of my emo soapbox session that's up and coming. This is your chance.

It just seems like I'm really missing out on something lately. I'm 20 and I haven't yet been in any relationship. Nobody to call on a cosntant basis, two or three times a day. No one to say those three little words that you take for granted at such a young age. No one to get in fights with over the petty shit of life but still say those three little words and know that all the bickering really is irrelevant and wouldn't get in the way of that four-letter L word.

I'm afraid that the next time I open my eyes I'll be five or ten years older and be in the same place in terms of relationships. I'm really scared of that and it's making my eyes well up just thinking about it. I wish I could just dip my feet in the devil's water here and there so I can just feel something here and there, now and then.

I know that I'm doing all this physical self-improvement for myself; going to the gym, eating healthy, grooming, etc. But I also don't want to fool myself and say that that's all who I'm doign it for. I admit that I'm doing all that in part for that someone that doesn't even exist in my life, yet or will ever. And so I feel like all this growth is sometimes in vain, because I'm doubting myself I suppose. I'm doubting that anything will happen anytime soon... and anytime soon means years. We're only young for so long. I'm just sitting here waiting for some beautiful boy.

[retracted to re-evaluate: august 2 2006]

So I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. How many years will pass once that cycle is broken or at least thrown off balance? I really hope not too much longer.

I went to bed soundly Saturday night. I was saved in the morning by Lynnette, when she called at 8:45am to go get some breakfast. I love her. At least I have that and others that do. Heck, she's the only one I say 'I love you' to besides family.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now - here he comes

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentlemen
Like you imagined when you were young.

It always hits me at 2am, when you're forced out of the dance club wading through a sea of people on the sidewalks of West Hollywood, upon looking about and seeing the guys that found each other and rest and each others' shoulders. Granted, there aren't many, but they stand out because oh how I'd love to be in those shoes... to rest my head on those shoulders.

On Roberston Boulevard, once they said our connection at Fiesta wasn't working that night I knew what was going down.. absolutely nothing, at least for me. I'm now starting to feel like I'm a burden to the group because I'm either not 21 or I don't have a fake ID. Kyle tried hard to get me into East West but the guard was pretty adamant about it, and rightfully so--plus there were cops and unsuual amounts of security personnel around. He kept apologizing to me though whenever he saw me handing around the balcony, on the outside looking in.

I decided that Rage is my only option other than sitting on the sidewalk looking pretty and pathetic. $15. I had to dip into my savings, reluctantly. That's the most I've ever paid for cover, even toppping Tigerheat which everyone had started complaining about it's $12 peak. And this was solo, by the way.

I danced my heart out. I forgot everyting for a good hour and a half, until I started to look around me at others' fleeting gazes. I made it a goal tonight to practice making consistent eye contact with people, something I have a hard time doing. Though, the ones I had been eyeing clearly weren't interested even if I had given clear tacttile signals. So I continued to dance my heart out, shirtless and all. It was hot and I don't go to the gym to just hide my steady progress. Someone came around and danced with me for about twenty seconds. He was attractive but I may have made a dance move that scared him or was too hardcore or something.

Dominic was there, with yet another guy. Matt Enis was on the dance table. That's all that I had recognized.

WHen it all ended I simply feel silent for the rest of the night. M, Kyle, Michael and them were drunk and clearly having fun. I guess my brain's serotonin balance had tipped off to the side. It always hits me at 2am.

---

It was a few weeks back and at Tigerheat. It was one of the best times with Cathy ever. We chugged down some Tenqueray + Pink Lemonade cocktail and stood in the wrapping line for about 2 hours just to get our dance on. We got in by 1:30a. The club had been extended until 3a because of overflow. It was Madonna night, and UCLA had just gotten out. It was supposed to be a night with Dominic and the rest of the gays but luckily it just ended up being me and Cathy.

We had to pee so bad. Ridiculous.

When we got in, the club was ours. We danced so hard, we even got in some synchronized dance moves that played out perfectly. Then we found a place on some bass units and the rail above us and we were all over each other, aerial-style. That Tenqueray works a little bit like ecstasy, we know that much. We may as well have been on the pill because it was intense, even after the two hour wait.

I fought so hard with myself to not take the shirt off. I won.

That night goes down as one of the greatest stories of LA clubbing.

---

I've been working almost non-stop to make ends meet. USC is demanding large amounts of money outside of my financial aid coverage and I can't keep up. At the same time I'm trying to save for a trip to New York with my sister. It's looking a little shaky but I think we can manage.

So for example, I had been at the Design Studio up 'til 2am last Thursday, only to return literally 6 hours later. On time, too. And that Friday was a 10 hour shift. Illegal? Hell yeah.

I blame it parly on my last check of around $260, when I should be getting close to $500. And for this, I partly blame on my parents---Dad, rather---because of this Texas Family Reunion trip a few weeks ago. I missed three days of work (and not to mention San Francisco Pride, Electric Daisy Carnival, and the LA Erotic Expo all in one weekend).

It was fun, besides all the annoyances. I suppose. Certainly, it was good seeing my aunts and grandma again as well as my own parents and getting some family history recorded in my brain. But the weather and long days and sitting outside in the core of the country of Tyler, TX for five or six hours a day for two days straight got to me. It was 90 degrees or more day and night, humid as hell. Bugs screaming in your face everywhere almost as loud as the dirt bike cruising around.

---

More on my Texas experience later. The moral of the story here is that I can't wait for that day when I'll have a shoulder to rest my head on, that will probably never come.

Truly.

We're growing up and everything's falling into place. The pieces are lining up just as history repeats them. I feel like some kind of watcher, seeing everything just change and go by. Nothing really happens to me. Nothing amazing happens here. I just watch while everyone else's life changes and turns in every which way. And it's all just history repeating itself, really. I'm the quiet one, that watcher that really has nothing to account for. Then I look at some of my friends and they're faced with life decisions that feel infinitely more significant than my own.

And then I feel helpless because I'm stuck in this bubble called the University and am separated by miles of asphalt from those I want to really help, those who I really love. When I do cross the distance all I can do is give them a hug and say, I'll call you when I leave here and increase the distance between us again.

We're growing up and now we're dreaming of yesterday. We're yearning for the teenage years when all the inevitable complexities of adulthood didn't exist or cross our minds for more than five minutes over brown paper-sacks all lined up in a circle.

Next entry will explain "In Limbo." Yet another one of my insignificant trials.

I love you, Phoenix.

Truly.

That bowl was so intense. I'm coming down now, finally. I'm kinda scared of pot now. Courtney apparently couldn't hear the jokes that were in my head. Oh man, they were hilarious. Imma make an art piece of what the hell it felt like to be on this shit. That stuff was like high octane shit. Three hits and on stuff from the past weekend was silly bullshit in comparison.

Today, me, Courtney, mom and dad went to Liberty Station/NTC to see... a brick. Yeah, my dad and I ordered two bricks to be laid down in the Liberty Station Promenade. Oor names all up ons. Then we split and went to the Adulst Superstore. Damn, we got carded... for being under 18. Hells yeah I suppose. Perhaps, perhaps. I almost got some lube, the Pjur Eros but then I thought about when I'd use and then realize that would be never. I almost got another scandalous party game book with dozens of raunchy setups. Then I realized and questioned when it would ever get used. That was deflating.

Afterward, we headed north and that's where I got the three hits. Time was so distorted.. they were right. SO Del Taco was good. Ranch Pringles were good, too.

The night before was Cahty's party. Damn they were drunk. Cathy was done.

Tonight I sleep early. One to sleep away the high of remainder and two, to get up early to get in line with all of maybe two people in front of Target at opening time to get a DS Lite. It should compensate for the lack of a car, so I'll have something preoccupying me on my 4 hour roundtrip bus route once I start class at SMC. June 19. But I get car motion sickness. Gross.

Panic! At the Disco was ridiculously amazing at XFest on Friday. They had a performance and everything. Me and Courtney danced to that and it was delicious. But more delish was our own perf for She Wants Revenge's latest single. That was so hott and scandalous oh my god. Two lesbiaansss were getting all excited at what we were doing, pulling each others' hair and stuff. Fun. I got another necklace complement.

Today I got maybe $90 worth of Aeropostale clothing for maybe $48. Two tees that rock the spreadeagle, a Mae B-Sides album-esque light blu polo and a gromet belt, AE stylized. It was just a day of sales and birds, very.

AWW SHNAP. I need to eat more.



..
Truly

So I smoked pot for the first time... EVAR on Sunday night. Twas out of the bong. That was interesting. Strawberry ice cream was so delicious---we were basically hording it (all four or five of us) straight out of the bucket. So that was all in preparation for the next day. But first...

Me, Kyle, M, and Mark went to Santa Monica beach on Sunday afternoon. It was muggy and stuff but it was cool. We made this sand-castle city and everyone that passed by probably stood there for a good four minutes or so watching us. Like any sand castle thing it failed but that was the fun of it. I stopped caring whether sea water went up my butt or not cuz it was outta control. Fun times. Afterward we went to Wasteland. Kyle's right, it's one of the few untapped fashion resources in LA. I found some ties there that I had to get so I withdrew from my savings. I'm so bad.

So that night we were scrambling to get some pot. We basically called everyone. Hell, I even called my [lalala]. We were going to bake some special brownies but that fell through. We found some, and it was literally right around the corner. It wasn't enough to bake though.

So0o0o we hot boxed it once we got to Six Flags. Yeah. Six Flags while high... is intense. The music wass beautiful. Oh man, the rides.. you can't understand. I believe we rode Riddler's Revenge, Batman, and Colossus while high, then it wore down after a while and after waiting in lines. We bought three gi-normous turkey legs for lunch. IT WAS DELICIOUS IN MY MOUTH. I wish I had bought Dippin Dots, that would've been craziness.

So we rode Tatsu, the new ride.... 3 times. So this probably makes me one of the very few people that's ridden that coaster 6 times since it opened in mid-May. We went on it once, then went on the lame water ride that Sea World ripped off Six Flags only by about 15 years late, then rode it a second time... then basically stayed on and rode it a third immediately, in the same seats. There wasn't enough people in line... in the Flash Pass line, that is. That was ridiculous. Too bad we weren't fully high then.

Afterward we basically had 40 minutes left of park time so we ran our gay asses back to the car, took two or three hits and ran all the way back and rode X. The waiting was just way too mofoin long so the high kinda wore off but it was compensated by being able to stare at these two hott guys that I had been eyeing since the beginning of the day. They were straight though. We were all guessing that either they know that we were giving them looks or we were just all sorts of paranoid courtesy of marijuana. Fully high or somewhat high, X was intense. It was intense. It was... intense. FIrst time I kept my eyes open on that one and it was... intense. Oh man.

But that was it basically. X was the grand finale. We ate at Claim Jumpers. Everything was delicious minus the blue cheese salad. Everyone should experience their tea. That shit is made of actual herbs, flowers packed in a bag made of silk. No joke. Eat their tea. You won't regret.

I was going to explain my title, "In Limbo" but it has something to do with emotions and hooknig up and all that messiness that's called life. This entry is pretty long as it is so I'll spare you until next time. Just take away from this blog entry that jc finally got blazed and rocked out at Six Flags while blazed and punctured his heart and other internal organs three more times on Tatsu... and bought Cathy a ridiculous keychain as a souvenier.

I'll be in San Diego from Thursday night to Monday night. XFest on Friday. Nintendo DS Lite morning camping on Sunday. The day that Cathy gets her teenaginity taken away from her. And all you HTH alumni had better be at the reception cuz me and Cathy are crashing that shit.

Truly.

PS: I'll probably share this with my counseling group tomorrow: www.wefeelfine.org. Use that to hold you over 'til I explain my in limbo-ness.

It was an answer. I didn't even pray it. It was more like a statement. God reassured me. There still are people out there that have souls of substance. You start to lose that reassurance when you're in this city. Maybe it's not just this city. Probably not, but nonetheless it all seems so fake. Facades are everywhere. And you wonder whether all this is the aftermath of people learning and now knowing better.. or they never had hearts to begin with.

Welcome to West Hollywood.

I won't talk about this here. But I'm still down, my mood is swinging, on and off. It's all accumulating. Him. The lady from Chicago on the bus. My best friends. The lights.

I'll make my bed tonight. Return to normalcy. Recoup. Hopefully it stays this way. It was all too much. I'll be returning to group counseling this Thursday; good timing.

When you're out there on the road, for several weeks it shows. And when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home.

Truly.

So I almost got plowed over by a speeding black Jetta. It ran the red on the road along the edge of campus. I was on my bike crossing the crosswalk and I had the whiteman/right-of-way. My front wheel was probably a few inches away from hitting his car. It looked like he was going to plow right into me but he sped right on past me. This was earlier in the week, btw. I guess big JC's still lookin out. Heh..

Work has been kind of a bitch lately. Not really, maybe an exaggeration. It's just that I always come into the office late cuz of oversleeping and it's not a great feeling to be late all the time and to know that your boss is kinda ticked about it happending repeatedly. My brain simply just does not register that I have responsbilities when my alarm goes off. So I'm more than half asleep when I roll over and turn it off. And I'd be back to sleep by the time my brain would have registered, "Oh, you have work, btw." Kinda sucks. But I'm working on the USC Undergrad Student Government identity, the revitalized Recreational Sports campaign, and a small program for the Gay Men's Chorus of LA, which went off to print today (yesterday). Identity and branding is always fun but it takes a lot out of you for the concepting part so it takes quite awhile to get somewhere with those. The Rec Sports thing has literally taken away three weeks of my life... and counting. GMCLA is a small program thing, not much to worry about there.

Anyway, I went to the Queer Cultures Celebration at UCLA today with a couple of my friends. It was... entertaining. I loved the opening reading about our beloved fag hags and their fag haggery. Everything after that was just very... hmmm... high school. It was pretty cool and all but it just was like any talent show.. but gay. Very gay. One performance reminded me of Madonna and Cinco de Mayo mashed together not so evenly. One chick, though, I think stole the first half of the show with her poetry. Man that was intense and she had it all in her head too. She spoke so naturally it was amazing. But yes, no offense to our Bruins out there but I'll quote my friend Kyle.. "Oh my god, I'm so proud to be a Trojan." That was just comedy when he said that. He's not one to really have the SC pride goin on.

Nonetheless, thanks very much Raph for the invite. It was (very) thoroughly entertaining... just what it's supposed to have been, yeah? Hehehe. Oh you Bruins are strange ones. And another note on that. There was one performance that pretty much defined the difference between UCLA and USC. Of course, it's not a be-all end-all definition but it can stand as a loose example. A drag show/lip synching karoake performance. Cool act. Though this is what's peculiar that we noticed: the attire. He was basically wearing a very modest floral pattern dress with the p.hose, a fro of sorts and shades. Take that same act and put it in SC territory and you'll have fish net, high boots, tube socks, a skirt that really wouldn't count as a skirt at all, hardly a bra, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lip stick, hair gel, and glitter. Yeah. Go Trojans.

I'm frustrated and I feel the depression coming back. I was just tired and out of it after the UCLA QCC thing. I had to go to WeHo cuz I had no ride back other than a bus and my friends needed to work the Virtual Sex Project for a couple hours before heading back to SC. So we were right in the heart of West Hollywood and I was pretty much bored. I ran into Sam and Pete from Palm Springs which was crazy. So after getting my porn/nude art fix at the bookshop next to Mickey's (Yeah I'll say it, "My name is John Coleman, and I have a problem.") I walk around with Sam checking out the venues. Mind you I've never been to any clubs whatsoever in WeHo so I'm a little virgin (teehee.. haha). We're waiting for Pete to show up so we just lounge around. [...censored...] So I'm holding out for Sunday night. Me and Cathy and def crashing that place ("RAGE"). I may go modestly dressed though, since that seemed to work tonight.

But yeah, I'm just frustrated that I didn't have any dance in me. So we went home. I'm just gonna sleep this off before the depression catches up to me and get up early tomorrow to feel productive.

I'm praying for you Lynnette. Love.

Truly.

Los Angeles is being bombarded from above as the city sleeps. Of course, I don't follow suit. So here's my second entry in a row to further enforce my campaign to take up regular blogging again. And then I'm expecting you guys that actually read this shit to stop coming back as I up the ante, because that's just how this love-hate relationship works. It kinda works the same way in real life... the more you love the less you get back in return, generally. In other words, we call this the Nice Guys Always Finish Last Theory.

But anyway. I just checked my grades and I did better than expected, it most areas. Ironically, my lowest grade that I received was in Weight Training. Probably because my wrists gave out mid-way through and I missed a few questions on the written exams. That was a B . Everything else was either an A or A-. And now you think I'm complaining about my high grades, right? HA! I won't get into details but rethink that (if you did in the first place) because the majority of letter-grades I've been getting since I started college are C's. Maybe one or two A's in the three semesters prior to this last one. Plus a W, and an F. Let's say that this is the first semester out of three where I've actually achieved all the unit credits that I had originally registered and paid for.

Now here's the hard part to swallow. This was probably my easiest semester in terms of effort-output. The high marks from Spring upped my GPA by either 0.4 or 0.5 points. I'm gonna need at least 0.25 more points to up the average/ overall GPA for me to even start thinking about applying for the Fine Arts major. It's all fantastic isn't it. And I'll be taking two GE's with one being an upper division class. I'm revisiting Business in one course. And I've got another Fine Arts studio class to labor through... Sculpture (probably one of the most difficult and tedious studio classes prereqs). Hallejuah everyone.

Oh yeah, I still have to work about 15 hours a week too.

New photos are up, btw. I don't know if there are any of me from Pride, though. Not that I matter. Other people have those if anything--not on my camera.

I may be getting this pair of underwear soon. What'd you think? http://www.aussiebum.com/popup.php?fn=content/items/273_COMMANDO_Hipster_Air_Raid/COMMANDO_Hipster_Air_Raid_I11.jpg.

Well I've got work in a few hours so I'll leave you with that.

And to the damned sleeper. I know, I probably won't be doing that again for a long time.

Truly.

Since my blog is so damn popular, I suppose I should write more. No. That's not even a reason. I said this awhile ago and never followed through but I'm gonna start writing regularly again--to see if the blog soothes my conscience the way it did back in the days of the high school.

So yet another day I'm surrounded by gays and nothing really happens. Some hardcore dancing here. Drinking lots of tequila there. Being pseudo-busted by pseudo-undercover cops over there. Lots of oggling over here. Spin the bottle there and high school all over again (except with guys). Searching for lost items to end the day. Lilo & Stitch to start the Sunday. Fun times. This was Long Beach Pride. Ooh yeah.. so back to the first sentence. Yeah no-go. I wasn't expecting much of anything to happen any way. It doesn't really happen, unless you're an extrovert, but now I'm straying. Too bad for me. On to happy times...

LBC Pride was fun, btw. Really fun. Awkwardness aside, which wasn't much, it was pretty cool. Never have I seen so many of my peoples that are gay. The Asians weren't in full force this time around---or I just didn't notice.

But yes, fun.

Went to Six Flags on Friday. That was awesomeness packed in about 8 hours. Tatsu is the new ride there that they just opened a few weeks ago. It starts out alright and then you're like.. umm where's the excitement other than flying amongst the clouds (yeah I know that's suppoed to rock right?). Well until you hit the end. Then it's on. There's this mega loop that literally send all your organs to the back of your body. Mind you, you quite literally feel your insides being squooshed and pierced by your own bones. It really hurts actually. Rode that one twice and felt the pain twice.

I re-experienced Goliath, two more times. I still come off that ride woozy as all hell. I can't ever scream fully when on it cuz the G force prevents my vocal cords from fully operating. The toilet spiral part is ridiculously painful. My right butt cheek, each ride, felt like it was gonna pop my spine or something. Generally not good, but fun times.

Wiley Coyote busted out a fight on!/peace sign at me during their lame 45th Anniversary 3-float parade. As long as they saw me. Batman The Ride, Riddler, X, Deja Vu, Colossus, and Ninja were classic fun. Viper, oh Viper how I love thee. Only got that once unfortunately. Scream... LAME. I was singing a tune that whole time on that one.

I went with Z, Dane, and Kevin. It was pretty much Z's first day as a Spectrum employee. But yeah, it was fun. Eating at Chili's wasn't so much though. Countering Kevin's wittiness takes some effort. Dane is awesome as usual. Z got along pretty well pretty quickly. I'll be back for Gay Day at the end of summer. My heart can't wait to be crushed yet again. (You see what I did there?)

Alright. I think I'm done. Hooray for a blgo entry that's not inundated with petty emo kid plea-to-love-me. I'll save more of those for later. Another episode is on the horizon.. I can feel it. Let's just see how long I can feed off endorphins before I go Prozac.

And by the way, I heard My Hips Don't Lie while I got my hair did (tried oh so much to not move in that chair), before I left for Pride, and at Pride. Shakira Shakira!

New song: BT - "The Force of Gravity"... I've been feelin this way for a while, but we won't dive into the emocean this time.

Truly.