People of Michigan,

Recently there has been a lot of talk that MySpace is dead. They say it's all washed up. They say it's never done nothing for nobody. Well, here is your chance to prove them wrong: read this blog and then do what it says and then tell others to do the same thing!

I am returning to Michigan for some comedy shows next weekend. And so is Vince Averill. And we're bringing two of our friends who are also comedians. The four of us will tell jokes and you do not want to miss it. I know I don't want you to!

You see, MySpace friends, ever since I moved out to New York, all of my trips back home have been quick stops to visit with family on holidays or get liquored up at weddings, so I have not performed there in nearly THREE YEARS. This is gonna be bigger than the grand opening of the George Burns Theatre in Livonia!

Here is the info:

Friday January 23rd and Saturday January 24th
8:00
$12

Riverside Arts Center
76 N Huron St.
Ypsilanti, MI

Vince Averill
http://www.vinceaverill.info

Greg Johnson
http://gregjohsnononline...blogspot.com

Matt McCarthy
http://www.mccarthyredhead.com

 
Jesse Popp
http://www.jessepopp.com

 

Tickets may be purchased in advance here:

http://www.brownpapertickets...com/event/50970

Good Luck!

There's not much upside to working until eleven o'clock at night, but I did enjoy walking through the darkened first floor lobby and catching the security guard jamming to Peter Cetera at full blast. Not exactly time and a half, but it'll have to do.

In other news, today I got the eighth stamp on my Subway Sub Club card, which means my next Subway sub will be on the house. We'll call this my secret weapon.

Tomorrow's gonna be a big day for us. Activate Beauty Sleep!

I have the day off today so I figure I should live blog Leave It To Beaver. Here we go!

Wally and the Beav are going to cat sit. I have a bad feeling since the cat's owner, Mr. Donaldson, just dropped off the cat and said, "Well, Cleaver, there's really no reason to mention to this, but she is a very valuable cat."

Great...Eddie Haskell just brought his dog over! Eddie claims it's a genuine police dog and will do the cat no harm. I claim that Eddie Haskell is full of you know what. He convinces Wally that they should go to the carnival and just let Beaver watch the cat on his own. Again, and it cannot be overstated, I have a bad feeling about this. And just like I thought...Eddie's dog chases the cat away and we go to commercial with Beaver looking for the cat. Genuine police dog!

I just took a break from live blogging Leave It To Beaver to smoke a cigarette and now I'm not sure what's going on. Best I can figure, Wally and The Beav never even found the cat but Ward, June and Mr. Donaldson are very impressed that they refused payment for the job. Errrr...

***

Now I'm live blogging some old timey movie...here's some of the stuff they're saying:


My goose was cooked. She had me.

Who do you think I am, a hick? Listen mister, I've been around!

I needed to hit the sack. Hard.

That's the trouble with you: all you do is bellyache.

You're being a goon. That's how people wind up behind the eight ball!

You won't be dreaming when the law taps you on the shoulder!

***

Now I'm live blogging me just remembering a story form a few months ago.

I was on the train during rush hour. The guy standing next to me looked and sounded just like Truman Capote except he was wearing a dirty, white Orlando Magic Starter jacket. Also, he was hitting on every girl in our vicinity with this line: "Wanna go see Apocalypto? I'll buy your popcorn."


Phew, that's all for now. To the grocery store!

Okay, I suppose I need to start updating this thing. More tomorrow and beyond.

Meantime, here's a cigarette ad from the 1800's that is pretty funny. Good luck!

Looks like someone finally got to the bottom of their inbox and cut the smoking scenes from Tom & Jerry.

Next on the chopping block: Heckle and Jeckle bear false witness.

Nurse, fetch me my highballs!

I moved to New York almost seven months ago by way of train. On my way to the train station, my mom said that I should keep a diary about living in New York. I reminded her that only little girls keep diaries and then I made a muscle with my arm and told her "You don't get these from keeping a diary" and to quit bossing me around.

Or something like that. Anyway, the train ride was so long and boring that I actually thought the diary might not be a bad idea. So I wrote a few things but then forgot all about it until today when I found it in a notebook while looking for a things-to-do list that I never finished making.

While keeping in mind that I am ultimately unknowable, please enjoy, in its entirety, My Lost Train Diary.

---------------------------------------

4:37 AM. Ohio? Pennsylvania? Who knows. Tell you one thing: I grow bored of Sudoku. It is no match for me. Unfortunately, I am no match for trying to sleep in this butt hole train seat, so I press on.

Let's go New York...meet me halfway on this!

***

Breakfast on a train at rocket ship prices! Plus you can't sit by yourself and they stuck me with some weirdo. He's probably writing the same thing about me, but we'll see who has the last laugh.

***

[Doodles]

***


You know, when you get right down to it, if nothing else, no matter how this thing shakes out, at least I finally know how to spell Schenectady.

Next stop: Schenectady

Could you please pass me the Schenectady?

What a charming little Schenectady!

Etc.

Choo! Choo!


***

Stopped in Syracuse and got off to smoke. One lady took a drag off her cigarette and immediately started coughing and gagging. Then she said, "That's my lungs saying thank you." Good grief, I really need to quit smoking. Back in the train, a new crazy old man just yelled at me. He was in my seat (and sitting on my book). I told him he was in my seat, then he yelled "I KNEW IT!" and hurled his bag down the aisle. I'm not sure he truly knew it. Now he's going for real bonkers on a steward about how he's gonna sue Amtrak because the arm rest on his new seat has a "rough corner." "Somebody's gonna cut their fingers and sue you for everything you got! Call New York! Get the city in here! Have them fuckin' fix it!" Meanwhile, the steward clearly could not care less...a good show all around. We shoulda picked this guy up earlier!

***


NEW NEW COUNTRY SONGS

This Horse Is Not A Home

Breaker Breaker Two-Timer

Take Me To Drunk, I'm Bob Evans

I Guess I'll Ride My Bike To The Bar (The DUI Song)

Around These Parts

***

Almost to Penn Station. The girl in front of me has been sleeping nonstop for about 12 hours. How? She probably took a bunch of drugs. Now I see she's wearing throwback Air Jordans. She definitely took drugs! Ok, she's finally woken up. Get this: She just made a phone call and I heard her say, "The train is all right. I slept for a little while." What a bullshit artist!

THE END

I watched the remake of Assault on Precinct 13 the other night. It wasn't that bad or anything, but it's set in downtown Detroit and the climactic shootout takes place in a huge pine forest! Interesting. Well, at least they had a character wedge in the fact that she once had sex in Tiger Stadium. That's Detroit for you!

She said, "The leftfielder didn't seem to mind" and this blind item got me thinking...which former Tigers left fielder would be the most stoked about seeing two people humping in the stands? Clearly, she was talking about Pete Incaviglia:

More than a month without a blog entry? What kind of operation am I running over here?!

Sorry about that. I'm driving back to Michigan tonight for some shows this weekend. Once there, I should have some time to get caught up a bit. Gentlemen, start your excitement!

And here are some quotes to tide you over.

Martin Van Buren:
"As to the Presidency, the two happiest days of my life were those of my entrance upon the office and my surrender of it."

William Howard Taft:
"Politics, when I am in it, makes me sick."

Harry Truman:
"I felt like the moon, the stars, and all the planets had fallen on me."

George Bush:
"I'm doing fine. My health is fine. I probably ate too many birthday cakes."


One more. I was watching Matlock the other day and a guy said, "I'm gonna be on you like a shirt!"

Anyway...

I got off the subway yesterday and saw an old lady slip on a banana peel. Yes, a banana peel. And it wasn't like in the cartoons where you slide about 20 feet into the next room and walk out with a bucket on your head. She just fell straight down and started crying in Spanish. Pretty much the exact opposite.

She was a fair distance up ahead of me, and to be honest, I was kind of hoping the situation was under control by the time I got there so I could go along my merry way, but nobody was helping her. Everybody was just stepping over her as she rolled on the ground (i.e. Gangway, toots!).

I didn't have my phone (by the way, I am without phone for a spell and calling me will get you nowhere fast) so I got over there and tried to get someone else to call for an ambulance or something. Someone finally did and we just stood next to the old lady because people were still trying to walk over her. Then another lady busted through the crowd and yelled, "Everybody stand back -- I work at a law firm!" Incidentally, I challenge anyone to invent a situation when you would actually need to stand back because someone works at a law firm. Anyway, she continued: "Does anyone have a camera? We need pictures of her leg!" and started going through the old lady's purse and stuffing it with business cards.

Long story short, try not to fall down in New York.