My year started somewhat normally. Celebrated new years with my new years resolutions to lose weight and save more money. The scare of the economy hadn't yet touched us yet. Until February. I showed up to work one Wednesday all decked out in my grey skirt suit with my grey boots only to be laid off with a measly two week severance pay. No warning. I found myself to be one among thousands of people in the Bay Area trying to stand out above the crowd to get the next available job. Two months into my lay off I finally receive a job offer as a business manager at a school only to discover that it won't go full time until the fall when school starts. That left me with finding another part time job for the summer to hold us over. The struggle of juggling two jobs I recalled being easy for me, but I often found myself tired and stressed as I rushed from one place to the next. In the midst of all this, we decided to take a quick vacation to Disneyland. Upon my return, I arrived at the school job on a Friday afternoon only to be let go for differences in leadership. Talk about an unexpected blow. I was now back down to only one part time job. I was able to convince them to give me another 8 hours, which helped our financial situation a little, but we were still barely surviving.

This week the crap really hit the fan, or rather me. I had decided a week ago that I was through struggling with my job, struggling to like it and struggling to make more. I decided that I would actively and aggressively get myself out there to get a better job that pays better as well. After I would send out a resume, I would then call the company, find the appropriate person to speak to and introduce myself to them and try to induce an interview. One such lady was impressed with my efforts and although knowing that I wouldn't be interviewed for that particular job, she introduced me to a recruiter. I began talks with this recruiter and soon had a job interview lined up for the following Friday. I was excited and enthusiastic with my efforts. I even showed up fully dressed for a job fair at Lockheed Martin.

Yet, we need to mind the crap. The crap hit me again on Tuesday. While I'm going about my business at work, a woman shows up asking for my boss announcing she has an interview with him. Now I know that we looking for a pre-sales engineering job and I inquire if that is the position she is here for. She excitedly says "no, I'm here for the Office Manager/Assistant position".  In case you hadn't already figured it out  . . . that's my job. That's crap thrown straight into my face as I struggled to refrain from letting the shock show on my face. You see, above all, I still consider myself a professional. Ok I said. Let me get a hold of him for you. You see, no one that was to interview here was actually at the office yet, even though they set an interview for 11 am. I informed my boss that someone was here for an interview for the office manager position, to which he said "oh, this is not good." My response to him "no, this is not good at all." So they had apparently decided that I was too overqualified for the position and were going to replace me. Although they were going to wait to tell me until the other person was ready to start, just as they did to my predecessor, just as they did to my other co-worker.

Yet, even so, I still find having crap thrown at me. Today, leaving the Taco Bell parking lot to head to school, I merged into traffic, put on my blinker and checked my mirror as I changed lanes to get into the far left as I had to make a left onto Lawrence. A red car pulls up next to me and I see the woman in the car trying to say something to me. I politely turn down my music and give her my attention only to have her yell at me that "you are a terrible driver and that is a really stupid thing you just did." I stared at her for about half a second, turned my music back up and rolled up my window refusing to look at her as she continued to try to scream at me. The light turned, I took off. She followed me. She changed lanes when I changed lanes, and followed me as I made to turn right on Monroe. Looking in the rear view mirror I saw her writing down my license plate number. Then get this, as I continued down Monroe, she from the right lane heading east crossed over the left lane and did an illegal u-turn over double yellow lines to go the far right lane to get back on Lawrence. But I'm the terrible driver? What am I? A magnet for crap? What the heck!

I just have one question . . . does she have the power to do anything to me? What was she thinking she could do by writing down my license plate number?

I finally got around to updated my photos into albums. Hope you all enjoy it!

I know, its been a while. Quick update . . . . .

I'm still an HR Manager at Cintas although my traveling has gone down a little since the beginning of the year. New places I have been for work are Vegas, Compton, Ontario and San Diego.

I have a new kitten now. We were able to find a home for Snowpea with none other than my father-in-law. It has turned out to be the perfect match as both are quite happy with each other. No more other cats for her to battle with and he has a companion. Our new kitty came to us in rather strange circumstances. He and his two brothers appeared to have been randomly dropped off at my place of work. I found homes for the other two and decided to keep Jerry. Jerry is completely orange. I told Josh now I have all the colors. Like a fool he began to tell me of colors I don't have like calico and blue, etc. I looked at him aghast and said "are you trying to encourage me to get more cats?" I would too . . .I know some of you are shaking your head at me *smirk*

Josh is going to start racing again. He has been practicing two to three times a week at the Santa Clara Fair Grounds. Our friend Joe and I have been going out with him to give him feedback and time him so he knows where he needs to improve. He has also lost a little weight and is working to lose more to improve his technique.  The racing season has already started so he might jump in on a few of the races just to see where he stands. We may end up in Los Banos by the summer again for the full season!

I have been diagnosed with diabetes so for the past three months I have been struggling to get it under control. So far I have lost 23 lbs which is quite exciting and I have discovered that this pattern of eating suits me quite well. Now I understand what my friend Adele meant when she told me this worked well. I see a diabetes dietician once a month to keep me accountable. Now if I can just get this cough under control . . . .

Well, that is most of the big news. I have been out of myspace for a while because it was a bit boring. But I noticed most of my friends aren't blogging too much either so it must have been something in the air. Our thanksgiving was quite peaceful and relaxing. The first year ever it was just Josh and me. Of course I cooked a full meal anyway and again from scratch. I even made the gravy for the first time from scratch and was surprised and how good it turned out. Josh said the only thing I could have done better was add more bread to the stuffing. It was nice to cook again, I had forgotten how much I loved it. Josh even put Ratatouille on the computer so I could watch it while I cooked. It was fun, I felt like I was the mouse chef with my fresh rosemary, sage and parsley that I picked out of my own garden. Oh, yea, I have a garden with those three above and soybeans, tomatoes, lettuce, corn, carrot, radishes, tarrogon, spearmint, peppermint, oranges, etc. Yes, it is all growing in pots on the patio right outside my door and doing quite well.

Anyway, it is Friday, the day after thanksgiving which means I am supposed to be out shopping and Josh gave me $75 to have fun with. So I'm going to go join the throngs of people and fight for parking spots, jostle my way through the stores and get some christmas gifts! All in the name of tradition.

Yes, I'm back.

Kitty eyes

Kitty mine

Snowy and sleek

Strong and sure

Purring in my ear

Full of wisdom

Bereft of fear

Soft and close

Heart is dear

To me and mine

Tangled in my legs

She sleeps

Content

Until her bed shifts

Readjusting

Contentedly asleep again

Purring comfort

In mine ear

She is close

Peace is near

Then comes precious

sleepurrrrr

But let the brother in humble circumstances glory in his high position, and the rich, in that he is made humble because like the flower in the grass, he will pass away.  For the sun arises with the scorching wind, and withers the grass, and the flower in it falls, and the beauty of its appearance perishes.  So also will the rich man fade away in his pursuits." James 1:9-11

Somehow in the discussion of James Chapter One, we found ourselves agonizing over this set of verses.  Being in the world, but not of the world, we find ourselves facing the challenge of balancing the world view with the church view on wealth and materialism.  The world view that we need to have the hottest and newest toys, fashion, homes, even down to how we raise our kids has become a fashion statement.  Which is better, spanking or not spanking?  In mainstream society the answer always seems to depend on who's asking the question.

Then we have the Church view.  "Materialism is BAD!"  The Church view seems to say that all our pursuits should be toward speaking to others about the gospel.  That it is not good to have dreams of a materialistic nature.  My husband recently wrote a blog about a dream.  His dream is to have a home with a huge backyard so that he can build himself a motocross track.  I shamefully admit that as I was reading that blog a fear presented itself in the guise of righteousness.  I thought, "oh God, our friends are going to think we are so materialistic because we talk about our dreams being of this nature rather than our dreams being about bringing all these people to Christ.

So when I read a verse like the above, I readily succumb to this guilt that I am not a good enough Christian.  I am not a good enough Christian because I don't always focus on "Christian" things.  I work.  I work all the time.  I don't spend my time preaching, sharing the gospel, etc.  I don't even go to church.  I just can't bring myself to go. 

This discussion led us somehow down the road to what are we willing to sacrifice.  Zach honed in on the situation when he pointed out that this set of verses seems to cause a significant reaction from us.  He asked what the underlying fear was. This led to my fear of one day losing that which is most dear to me.  My Josh and my cats.  Money has so much of a control in our lives.  If we don't have it, we can't survive.  My fear is that if I don't make sure that we have money, then I could lose all of it.  I fear being homeless.  I fear being homeless, not because I will lose my material belongings, but because I will lose my cats.

Then someone asked if I would kill my cats if God asked me to.  I was flabbergasted.  Why in the world would God ask me to kill my cats?  No way would I ever hurt them, I love them too much.  God would never ask me to do that.  But he did ask Abraham to kill Isaac.  I began to vehemently defend that God would never ask me to do that with statements like "that was the old testament, in the new testament God promoted healing not violence."  I was clearly disturbed.  I began to contemplate the possibility that God could ask me to hurt the ones I love the most.  I vehemently stated that I would not.  If God asked me to, I would say no and let go of my faith.

Wow.  The shame and guilt overwhelmed me and I spent the next 20 minutes of conversation in silence and solitude.  I had to contemplate my decision.  I was angry that God would dare to ask me this.  I didn't understand why He would.  I asked myself, "why would I want to worship a God who would ask me to hurt those I love?"  Why would

God ask me to do something He knows would hurt me?

And then a light went on.  Jesus.  Enough said.  Why should God have sacrificed his Son?  For salvation.  God hurt his son to save me.

But I still didn't understand what good would come of killing.  I'm not God.  I don't have the strength He has.  How can He expect this of me?  Why would he ask me to do something I am too weak to do?

I believed then that I am a bad Christian because I don't have enough faith to hurt what I hold most dear just because God asked me to.  I hear my friends saying that they could because they would have the hope that God can raise those they love from the grave.  But the Bible doesn't talk about a resurrection for animals.  And what if God decides that I should be able to bear the lost of Josh?  It says you will not be tempted beyond what you can bear.  What if in God's eyes losing everything was something I could bear?  I would fail and I would choose to turn away rather than lose them.  And I feel so awful for feeling that way.  I feel awful, because I used to be able to say that I could.  Once upon a time, I pursued a faith that would allow me to say I would lay it all down and walk away if He asked me to. 

I felt that way once.

But I don't anymore.  It has been beaten out of me with every letdown, every pain, every tear.  And now I struggle just to be able to say I believe God does exists.  I believe God does love me.  I just don't know how much I can love Him.

I fear that I will lose them and be alone.  I fear this because in my mind I am waiting for God too punish me for all the wrong I have done.  Then she would say "wait till your Uncle gets home."  And I would spend the whole day waiting for my Uncle to get home to punish me.  I'm waiting for God to take it all away.  I don't see why God would ask me to do something so horrible as to hurt Josh or my babies.  But I know that he could.  And if He did . . .

And this is where God blesses me so very much . . . through friends.

I shared this with my friends last night.  And they took the time to help me walkthrough it.

Here are some of the things they said:

"Your cats are your bridge to God.  God has shown you His love in so many ways at so many different times through your cats.  God wouldn't snip the bridge unless there was another one that took its place."

"Is God asking you to do it?  . . . No . . . Then don't worry about it."

"God is showing you his love through your husband and your cats.  You are so worried about losing it that you are wasting the time that you should be using to embrace it."

"There are three things here.  1) Counsel of friends telling you it is ok.  2) God is showing you His love.  3)  You are in the middle or at a crisis of your own faith journey.  Acknowledge to God where you are at and go from there."

I guess overall I still struggle with the concept of full and complete obedience to God.  I can barely even give it to my boss.  Even today he was arguing with me about why I always have to argue with him.  Sounds just like something my husband has said to me.  If I can't even let go of control here, how can I possibly let go of all control.

But at the same time I don't want to let go of the chance that I could be that person.  That I could be that whole holy worshipper.  But I don't want to say that is what is in my heart.  Because it honestly is not.  My heart is full of bitterness and anger of almost all things Christian.  But a part of me still doesn't want to let go of it completely.

Even that seems to be a part of control.  It is almost as if by holding onto what I think is Christian, what others have told me is Christian, that I still hold control of it.  Maybe this is where I need to be.  What if I am supposed to let go of my faith?  I don't know how to explain what I am thinking.  Only that I am holding on to a Christian faith that I don't want anymore.  It isn't me.  It doesn't define my relationship with God, if there is one.  But I won't let it go, because if I do, there might be nothing there.  But what if I am supposed to let it go?  Like the Pharisees who wouldn't let go of their definition of the law.  Because they held on to it, even if by a shred, Jesus wasn't able to give them new life.

This is my faith crisis on my own spiritual journey. 

I have to let go of this.   I don't believe God is out to make me prove that I love him by hurting the gifts He has blessed me with.  At least that is what I hope.  I have the image of waiting for my Uncle to come home and punish me.  I'm waiting for God to punish me.  I'm waiting for God to tell me that I never deserved all of this and that I am a nobody and take away everything I love.  This is my preconceived idea of what God is.  This is why one little question "are you willing to kill your cats?" would throw me completely off the deep end.  My uncle forced me to give up a cat.  I believed that God would too.

I need to let this go. 

I need to let my faith go.  I need to let go of the corner of the church that I am holding on to.  The corner that I am holding on to in the hopes that my church didn't really leave me behind.  I need to let it go.

And I need to let God reform it into what it is suppose to be.  I need to let go of all the negative stigma my days in college have ever taught me about being affectionate with my husband in public and allow myself to love Him freely.

I need to let this go.  I need to let go of all the guilt that tells me it is not ok to dream about motocross tracks for my husband and a huge playground for my cats because the church says we are only supposed to want the things God wants.  J I just had the thought, maybe it was of God, maybe it wasn't.  But the thought as I was writing the previous sentence is "well, God wants a motocross track and a huge playground for cats."  It makes me smile to imagine a faith that believes one day I could watch Josh racing Jesus on a motorcross track.  Or to see Jesus gently loving and playing with my cats telling them "Well done good and faithful servant, you took care of my daughter for me.  She wouldn't have been as happy if you weren't in her life."

That is something I can rebuild a faith on.  Or shall I say Jesus can.

Thank you to my friends for standing by my side.  Thank you to my husband for loving me.  Thank you to my cats for bringing me so much joy.

My husband redid my profile and blog lay out for me.  I think it's pretty cool.

No new years resolutions for me.  I never keep them anyway.  Although I did make a decision on how to end the old year.  Just me, Josh and the kitties.  no distractions from the outside world.  We'll spend time together and bring in the new year with each other and a little prayer that God will help us to get on the path he wants us on.

I'm actually really looking forward to it.  I've cleaned my house, going to finish all the laundry, put away all the chrismtas decorations and threw out all the old trash.  That is how i want to end the old year, with nothing hanging on me and nothing in the way of me and josh being with each other.

On the first day of the New Year, we will spend it with Family.  We will be going up to Santa Rosa to see Josh's Mom, siblings and niece.  That seems appropriate as well.  I'm looking forward to it.

In January i look forward to multiple trips to Orange, CA, starting my next class for school (by the way I got an "A" in the first one), a trip to alburqurque New Mexico for three days training our field drivers.  I will also be heading out to Ohio in March for a trip to our corporate office, that should be very entertaining.  I'm looking forward to going back to work.

Well, Happy new Year to all my friends.  I love you all and pray the highest blessings for you in the new year.  Stay safe tonight above all, I want to see each of  you again next year!

"It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand.  Many men who have died deserve life.  And many who live deserve death.  Can you give it to them Frodo?  . . . . Bilbo's Pity may yet rule the fate of man." -Gandalf the Grey - Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring.

I love this quote.  I don't know why yet, but it speaks very profoundly to me.

It is 10:12 pm.  And my husband is vacumming the carpet and cleaning the bathroom.  He is doing all of this because he knows it stresses me out to have people over with a not so clean carpet and a yucky bathroom.  He also knows how super tired I am.  So just because I made a statement about the carpet probably needing a vacuum, he got out the vacuum before I could and started to clean it.

How awesome is that!  How very very Thankful I am.

A year ago tomorrow, I was completely alone on Thanksgiving day.  I had no friends or no family around me.  I suffered the weekend in despair to the point of wanting to die.

Today, my husband vacuums the carpet for me. . . .

I am thankful.

I'm in Texas.  And I'm super lonely.  I miss my husband and my cats.   I miss my friends, my car and my bed.  Unbelievable, I even miss all my co-workers.  I thought coming here would be fun.  My first time in Texas.  But I spend all my time working.  All I have seen of Texas is the airport, the Cintas office, the Marriott and a road called FM1960 which the road we drive back and forth on in our Smith System Driving vehicle.  FM I found out stands for Farm to Market.  So the name of the street is Farm to Market 1960.  Weird.  They have these freeways that have roads around them that loop.  They call the road feeder roads.

I've been flipped off, cut off by multiple drivers and constantly abused by my very sarcastic classmates.  Im so tired of driving and I'm so tired of working.  I want to go home.

I hate Texas.  Maybe Ashley can change my mind when she takes me sightseeing a little tomorrow night.  I don't know.  It's just no fun without someone to share it with.  I wish Josh were here.

That would probably make all the difference.  I can't wait until Friday.  Now I get to try to do a paper that I have been avoiding all week that is unfortunately due to tonight.  Grrr, I never knew how much i really really really like California.

My serial Killer sure knows how to kiss a Fairy . . .