If anyone in melbourne is wondering why I haven't updated this blog of late, it's because I've been busy channelling all my energy (and material) into my upcoming fringe festival show The Candidate. From the 28th of September, I will be campaigning to become the next prime minister of this country based on my vision of "An Australia with Balls".

Tickets have just gone on sale through the melbourne fringe festival website and are mighty cheap. Initial polls suggest they are selling quite fast so "book early and book often".

If you're not in Melbourne. Well, too bad. Although I'll keep you informed about possible Sydney dates as they are confirmed.

Yep - I've been updating you on my world weeklyish for a full year now. So I thought I had the right to do an obligatory compilation blog. And I hear you asking, can you even do that? Can you do that with a blog?

Well yes. Yes I can.

In my world kids would grow up understanding the value of money. Where we used to scrimp and save for months as kids to afford the simplest thing from the neighbourhood drug dealer, the Government is now subsidising amphetamines for hyperactive children as early as preschool. I know that they've been looking for a way to get the dealers out of the playground - but I didn't think the ideal solution was giving them an office on campus. Surely the phrase "hyperactive preschooler" is a tautology anyway - yes, they're loud and boisterous - but rather than sedating them through to adulthood maybe you should just stop giving the fatty boombaladas so much sugar. You know what I prescribe? An apple. And that's the fruit, not the celebrity offspring. Really though - preschool? I mean what's next? ADD diagnosis by ultrasound? It used to be cute when a pregnant woman could feel the baby kick, now it's a signal that the fetus needs a a medicare card and a ritalin prescription. In my world, smacking a child wouldn't involve finding a vein.

In my world tofu would come from a rectangular animal of the same name. It would run around in paddocks with sheep and other livestock while making it's distinctive mating call: "blaaa-aaand", "blaaa-aaand". Vegetarians would be forced to hunt and kill them armed only with asparagus spears.

In my world people would lay off doctors for having illegible writing. If i could prescribe myself drugs, you wouldn't be able to read my handwriting either. In fact - if I was your medical professional, you'd be lucky if your prescription wasn't a hand drawn sketch of a pirate fighting a ninja.

In my world North Korea would not test missiles and claim it was for "safety reasons" - you know what would make people safer? Not firing missiles at them. If North Korea isn't careful they will become the subject of another US peace keeping operation - where the US goes to a a country, blows it to pieces, and then keeps the pieces. That's piece-keeping Bush style.

In my world girls in bars would ensure that their drinks weren't spiked - by BUYING THEIR OWN drinks. If you stopped walking up to strangers and asking for financial assistance it would also have the pleasant side effect of differentiating you from the average beggar on the street (or the average prostitute - depending on how obligated you feel to screw the guy by the end of the night).

In my world pretty nurses would not be allowed to take samples at std clinics. It doesn't matter how careful you have been sexually or how squeaky clean you think the results are going to come back - it's hard to come across as date material while she is testing you for syphilus. Even the most magical love at first sight type of moment loses some of it's romance factor at the point where you hand her a jar of your piss, and while girls love to have a quirky "you'll never guess how we met" anecdote, the "I was testing his urine for chlamydia" story isn't one of them.

In my world I would be able to find the page of the sedition laws that gave pharmacists the right to interrogate the sick. I want to be able to purchase cold and flu tablets without having to convince some failed doctor that the phlegm that I am visibly leaking from my facial orifices is a symptom of illness and not an elaborate disguise. You want to know why I think you should stop asking me questions and give me the tablets? Because you work in a pharmacy, not a spy agency run by the Government. I'm convinced that lately when people have robbed chemists for amphetamines they weren't even making speed - they were just sick people that felt that pistol whipping a pharmacist was a less invasive way of procuring their medication. I'm actually considering setting up a backyard lab in which I can convert speed back to cold and flu tablets just because my dealer is friendlier and easier to deal with - and he's in the mob.

In my world the Nobel Prize for this year would go to the group of Japanese scientists who just killed sixty whales to make the groundbreaking discovery that "whales eat fish". That's like Ivan Milatt claiming that he only killed those backpackers to check the menu at the local truckstop. A three year old child could see what this was - a commercial whaling operation more thinly veiled than a muslim after a bali drug trial. Yes Michelle - that was a dig at you.

See, the cultural difference is this - when a whale beaches itself in Australia people run out onto the beach with hoses and wet towels. When a whale beaches itself in Japan they run out there with cutlery. And I know some of you are saying "Kai, that really isn't fair". And I'm sorry - you are right. They wouldn't have cutlery - they would have chopsticks. They would run down there with a shitload of wasabi - and chopsticks. Now that is fair - and I will continue to maintain this opinion until these people learn the difference between an ocean and a sushi train.

In my world the word "rank" would describe the place where taxis wait, not the stench emanating from the driver's armpits. If I can smell you out the front of my house before you beep your horn, it's time for you to take a break and a shower. That little air freshener hanging from the rear vision mirror is not a substitute for deodorant - if I wanted to be in a place that smelt like a mix between pine trees and body odour, I'd be at a greenpeace rally.

In my world fat people would not get pallbearers when they die. I already have to look at your lunchbox arse while you eat your way to a heart attack, I refuse to carry it once you get there. You can't make me do exercise just because you didn't.

That's my world.

In my world John Howard would admit he is pursuing an agenda to rule the biggest continent in the world. What follows, is his evil/secret plan.

Current World Map

John Howard is currently the leader of Australia - the world's seventh largest continent. Sure, it's big. But, it's not that big. In fact, there are six other continents larger than Australia - including Antarctica. And John Howard will be damned if he's going to be beaten by a giant freaking ice cube – which is why he's trying to melt it. You might think his aim is to create a world map like this:

World Map After Antarctica Melts

But that would only make Australia sixth, and as the little man says, sixth is for pussies. But his vision doesn't end there. See kids, when you melt ice, you get water. That water has to go somewhere, meaning the world map becomes something more like this:

World Map After Sea Levels Rise

Oh look, Europe just got owned, Africa got cut in half, and South America was too stoned to see the revolution coming. Sure, Australia would get it's share of water too, but luckily we've got a cliffy coastline and a big hole in South Australia where we can store it. No, not Adelaide – Lake Eyre. That below sea level part of Australia will fill with water - an ancillary benefit being the drowning of a few anti-Howard farmers bitching about the lack of rain. "Hey old Macdonald, that mouthful of seawater was a little gift from your leader".

So that makes Australia third. And that would be enough for most people, right?

Well yeah. But John Howard is not most people. He knows that if second is the first loser, then third must be worse than being treasurer for twelve years. Luckily, in addition to his environmental policy, he's also been an advocate of a war between many of the countries on the last two larger continents. Provided they keep escalating firepower, and we keep exporting uranium to both of them, he'll end up with a map looking more like this:

World Map After World War 3

Which makes Australia the largest continent in the world. And look, he even moved Antarctica (that pesky continent all those worry warts were banging on about in the first place) UP TO SECOND PLACE – FROM FIFTH!

So basically the future is this: the world map is going to be remodeled, billions of people will die, and we will all live in comparative poverty with little to no chance of ever rebuilding civilization.

Why?

Because John Howard has size issues.

Now that, my friends, is an inconvenient truth.

In my world if the second Clinton goes into the white house after the second Bush, they have to stop calling it an election and start calling it "Family Feud".  Whatever. If Larry Emdur hosts it, I'm killing myself.

"So a funny thing happened on the way to the mosque this evening - I'm walking down the street and these cops come over and tell me to put pants on, so I say 'hey I thought this country liked uncovered meat'. [drum fill] Thank Jew very much, thank Jew"

In my world Sheik Hilaly would be fired and I would be appointed mufti. I mean, he's attention seeking, degrading to women and maintains a general aura of self-righteousness. – and if that's the position description then colour me qualified. It's been my schtick for years.

That's my world kids.

In my world contraceptive devices would not be shaped like calamari. It already smells like seafood down there, do we really need a visual reminder as well? Using this new product makes your vagina look like it's dressing for some sort of genital theme party - which I'm not necessarily opposed to - but couldn't it at least be programmed to sing "Under the Sea" during sex?  I guess the upside is that at least us guys don't have to  feel so bad about dressing up our penises as pirates. Just me? Okay then.

In my world the US "dancing with the stars" would be axed. Not because it insults my intelligence, just because it's not good for my self esteem to see amputees dance better than I can. Heather Mills being on the show also means we'll continue to sit through pun headlines like "she's no pushover" until the bitch gets voted off, though even that is not a guarantee of media silence. Paul McCartney voted her out of his house years ago and she's still in MX every afternoon - and as I always say - if it hasn't got a singing vagina, I don't want to hear about it.

That's a challenge ladies, and that's my world.

In my world  waiting until sixty years after Hitler's death to strip him of his citizenship wins Germany 2007's "a little bit fucking late award". What was the clincher for this decision? Has the criteria for citizenship suddenly changed to exclude those who've committed mass genocide? I mean, it's a great idea and all, but wouldn't it have been a little more effective if they'd kicked him out,- I don't know - before he invaded Poland? Sixty years for an immigration decision is almost unparallelled. Is Amanda Vanstone in charge over there now?

In my world the federal government would perfect their character attacks on Labor by hiring Anthony Mundine as their chief speech writer. Then John Howard could stop beating around the bush, call Kevin Rudd a prostitute, and declare the speaker's chair his throne. It may not win him the election, but it would at least ensure he earns as much press time as ex-labor politicians chatting about tropical fruit.

In my world you would come to my gig tonight at the artery in fitzroy Melbourne or tomorrow night at the Zoo in Brisbane. They're in my calendar for more info. Do it.

That's my world.

In my world Ralph Fiennes would be doing advertisements for the flying Kangaroo:

"I fly Qantas because they know I like my paper in the morning, my beer in the evening, and my blowjob later on in the evening."

Good on you, Ralph.

Most of the regular hostesses won't bring me nuts when I ask, let alone lick them. I mean - really - she got fired? In my world she would be employee of the month. She understands that customer service sometimes means servicing the customer.

In my world sylvester stallone's drug crimes would be punishable by community service. Specifically, he would be forced to track down and destroy all known copies of "Stop! Or My Mum Will Shoot".

And yes Sly, we know the new Rocky flick is getting okay reviews, but if you were really interested in providing some entertainment to your loving public, in my world you'd grow some balls and hire Schapelle Corby's defence team for the trial - don't worry, they've worked with bad actors before, and their scripts are only marginally less believable than your movies.

In my world the anti-whaling lobby would not have rushed their boat into port to get a new registration. Had it lapsed, they would have been designated as pirates. And what do you think is going to scare the whalers more - a dinghy full of hippies, or a pirate ship? There's a reason why Johnny Depp hasn't made any movies about hippies in the carribean.

In my world members of the general public would not beat the crap out of the frail and vulnerable on trams. Ticket inspectors are paid to do that, so if you do it instead, it's like they're getting paid to do nothing.

That's all for now, and that's my world