Gender: Male
Status: Swinger
Age: 29
Sign: Pisces
City: Downtown St Pete
State: Florida
Country: US
Signup Date: 5/4/2004
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Friday, April 17, 2009
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Current mood:  restless
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Pessah... it's an event that I never really understood fully as a child... I never really gave it any significance to anything "spiritual" at all... but it's quite possibly one of the more spiritual days in the history of time...
Some call it Passover, but we always called it Easter. When I was growing up in Ohio, we had some CRRRRRAZY Easter Egg hunts. All my cousins and I still hunted eggs at family get togethers when we got to be older enough to walk to and from school alone. We also got smarter. Our parents used to get SUPER crafty with some of the eggs, and even go as far out to put $50 bills in an Easter Egg that was enough next to impossible to ever find (as in buried in the dirt, under the fallen logs), but we used to love trying to find it. To me... Easter was just another good time with the family.
It wasn't until I was older until I began to understand the significance of religious holidays and become more aware of what "belonging" to a particular religion really meant. It wasn't until about 2 years ago... that I actually experienced it.
I was in a very very bad place then... I had really hit rock bottom. I had a job I hated, I was single, depressed. hurt, confused, and absolutely exhausted with life...
Then someone introduced me to Kabbalah.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a Kabbalist, I'm just saying...
As I started to listen to what the real message was, the true meaning of what Kabbalah really is... I started to feel like the world was making sense in ways I never knew it could. It was probably a few weeks after getting more acclamated with Kabbalah principles that I learned about "Pessah". How these ancient teaching believe there is a greater force... and energy that literally grows stronger around this time of year.
There are actually starcharts that map the alignments of certain stars at that time, evidence of anomolys happening near that time of year in the history of human existence, and possibily beyond... but so what? Kabbalah doesn't teach about alien being or golden gates, it doesn't teach about how a man slayed giants or how to starve yourself until you hallucinate on the mountain tops, it teaches more about self... and the purpose of life... its not a religion at all, its like... like an enlightenment.
No matter what your religion is, Kabbalah can show you how to be better at it. It teaches of tools to control your own destiny, to live well, live... fulfilled. It's not about dropping to your knees every night and begging for forgiveness or that job you interviewed for... it about being better at being you, and more or less rubbing off on other people.
Ok, so it's not exactly the most profound way of putting it... but I really don't think the English language has the words to describe it in its entirety.
I recall learning about the power of Pessah just days before it was to cycle again.
I laid in my bed, just dying inside, trying to make my broken life work again. Broke, single, heartbroken, and jobless with car problems.
That's when it happened...
it was about 4:30am, and I woke up from a sleep that I had IMMENSE difficultly reaching...
but I wasn't the same as I had been when I fell asleep.
For some reason, I could literally feel all the garbage I had been carrying, all the pain and anguish that I was COATED in, all the LACK and all the pain...
I swear on a Stack of "Bible-Koran-Torah-whatevers" that I felt like the world was pure beauty.
Staring at the same ceiling I was staring at before I closed my eyes... yet somehow everything had changed.
I recall the moment well...
how often does one have such moments in their life?
I believe that many many people... never do.
It was an extremely personal experience that I won't even attempt to textualize, and while I still may have an against-the-grain perception on religion, I definitely felt the magic.
When Pessah occurs, the "Darknesses" in your life are illuminated by "The Light". The darkness being worry, guilt, doubt, sorrow, all that brings negative energy and saps the positive... all that... that crap...
all the garbage..
When you can "Light" your "darkness", you can move past it and find peace with that aspect of your life... learn from it, and let it go.
Not forget about it... but just let it go.
...
This year, Easter snuck up on me. I hadn't realized I would have to work that day since it was part of my regular schedule. I really did NOT want to go into work, I was late on a homework assignment and I just did not feel like going in. There have not been many times I’ve felt like that recently, since I’ve been all about making money lately… but this Easter Sunday was one of them.
I was on my 5th or 6th delivery I believe, when I pulled up to a little multiplex with 3 guys hanging out in the little 4 car parking lot. Nice day outside. Broad daylight. I was off in world thinking about work and my next run. The tall guy said he was going to run into the house to get the money real quick after patting his empty pockets for his wallet. He told me he would be right back, so I stood outside my car door and waited for him.
As I turned to shut my driver side door, I was struck on the left temple. Whatever it was, it was kind of hard, but not enough to knock me down or anything, I still had pizza in my right hand. I turned to my left, after seeing a flash of white light, and there was a 4th guy standing there with his fists up, like he was about to punch me. Again.
My first thought was, “What the hell was that?”, My second thought was, “Did this guy just hit me?” and the third think I thought was “WHAT THE FUCK MAN?” in my most pissed off voice.
I said that part out loud.
This guy, a little bigger than me, maybe 25 or so, was giving me some line about how he just wants the pizzas because he’s hungry.
Little does he know, we give free pizzas away to scammers all the time. He didn’t have to try to beat me up for a pizza.
Seeing as how he wanted the pizza,
he got coated in their order for one cheese,
and one pepperoni too.
We were kind of busy back at the shop at the time, so they weren’t as hot as I would have liked them to be, but it still bought me some time to figure out if these other 3 guys were about to jump in too.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911 and left it dialing in my pocket without pulling it out.
Me and the lamest pussy I’ve ever met continued to square each other up, he lunged at me a few times, and I pushed him away and blocked is pathetically slow attempts to punch me again.
After I noticed the other 3 guys ran off, and it was just me and him standing there, I figured it was cool if I got on the phone now. I started talking to the 911 operator while the guy looked around and used up his last brain cell to decide to start running away.
I was taken aback by how big of an asshole my 911 operator was, so I started to follow the guy who hit me on foot, when I said, “I’m going to track him down and tell you where he’s at” as the 911 operator made a half assed attempt to tell me not to do that.
I got back to my car and drove to the end of the block. I was going to head down a different street to try and see where he was going. It was a fairly small area without a lot of places to run and hide. That’s when I saw a Police car.
"WOW", I thought, "a cop when I need one!"
I rolled into the driveway he was parked in, and started telling him there was a bunch of guys who just tried to rob me...
Running through the woods...
Less than 1000 feet away...
RIGHT NOW.
They called for backup, which got there about a minute or two later and the cops had no luck in catching any of them. All 6 cruisers. And people wonder why I love Tampa…
Apparently the reason the cop was right there in the first place was because the same guys tried to do the same thing with another pizza guy just moments before.
I was bleeding from my left eyebrow, I’m not sure if he had a ring on or what. He had to have hit me at an extreme angle to cut me right there. It didn’t really hurt, it was just more of a stun than anything.
I was pissed off when I found out that the 3 guys snatched the other delivery I had in the car while I was “engaged”.
While I was glad to have gotten out of the situation with only a minor injury, I was FUMING angry about it all. I guess that happens when some punk ass sneaks up on you and hits you in the face while you are at work.
I wouldn’t know though… not until now anyway. I’ve been doing this job for about 9 years, on and off. Ever since I started going to college, I’ve ended up finding my way back into this job. Never have I had an incident like this. But on an Easter Sunday… at 7pm, broad daylight, in a decent neighborhood… somebody tried to fight me for pizza?
Tampa is strange…
I’d never seen a naked girl on delivery either up until last year at 6pm on a Tuesday, she opened the door… butt-nekkid.. and even flashed the booty at me before she shut the door.
That was stunning as well.
Perhaps even more so.
After a few days of reflection, and my temper subsided…
I got to thinking… that as much as I really did want to straight up, all out, no holes barred, death cage match fight that guy after him hitting me from behind like that… the fact that I had cash in my pocket, and… well… “more than I’m supposed to have” in my wallet, and my car was still running… and there were 4 of them… I guess I did the right thing.
Life has taught me to try and slow things down when I get angry. I was pretty pissed off… and I kept chanting in my head, “Don’t be stupid, Don’t be stupid…”. Had I tried to fight the guy, I may have lost money, personal property, or time at work. Over what?
The whole ordeal with the police questions and man hunt took about 35 minutes. I went back to work and finished my shift to make over $80 that night. So I only lost about 3 or 4 deliveries and a few drops of blood out of the ordeal…
But it did get me thinking…
As much as I like doing the job sometimes, I feel a calling for….
Hrm….
Something else.
It’s odd to me to have that happen like that… but I quit believing in “coincidence” awhile back. Things aren’t so random; the universe has many patterns…
And they are beautiful.
This incident has made me realize that I am earning a living by exposing myself to risks that I seem to avoid 99.99999% of the time. It’s those incidents that I don’t avoid that are what makes it no longer worth my focus.
While this job serves me to pay the bills at the present time, perhaps this is the universes way of telling me, “The Time To Act Is Now” (The Universe always speaks with a first-letter-capitalized omniscience).
While some of us are plenty capable of listening to what the world is telling us,
For some of us,
it takes a hit to the head to start listening.
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Wednesday, April 08, 2009
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Current mood:  content
Category: Romance and Relationships
I haven't been blogging much lately...
But lately… I’ve been drawn towards getting these feelings out, and sharing my current state with others… I wonder if it has anything to do with the amount of heartbreak and sorrows I have been hearing come out of others around me, and the concept of relationships in general lately…
It’s not that I haven’t been inspired… its that I haven’t been SOLID. I feel as though my convictions are shifting constantly… when all it really is, is me trying to use matches to light my way through the long dark caverns of being a single guy in a crazy world. I have enough light to see what’s in front of me for a short period of time… but not what’s around the corner, or what lies ahead in the future.
I took some of the recent emotions and experiences I’ve been having and made an honest assessment on where I am right now with the concept of LOVE. I realize that, like with many aspects of my life right now… I lack a true VISION of what I wish to become the reality in which I live. I NEED to really FOCUS on what it is that I am dreaming, wishing, and wanting to achieve.
Sure, I have fleeting, “match-lit moments” of clarity, only to have my world turned upside down by blindly walking into a dead end, with no choice but to turn around and try to find my way out by going through the same passages that I’ve already mapped…
After some real emotional gut-checks… this is where I am.
What I am looking for is that URGE to make EACH OTHERS dreams happen. Ideally, dreams that are conceived TOGETHER. This is the ideal situation, for me personally, with the vantage point of being "with" someone.
“Synergy” is what I am after… where one plus one equals more than two.
I realize that the fact I spend so much time by myself in my own prison like mind sometimes can be very damaging to me spiritually... because long ago I realized that life is not intended to be horded away by your lonesome, but shared and enjoyed by others.
This is quite a contradiction that I have struggled with over the past decade or two, yet it's never been more simplified than it has been today in my own "mind" or present state of consciousness. I long to learn how to better myself in this regard, and while I know things will be difficult at times, I think the struggles of learning will pay off more than any other sacrifice to "comfort".
This is where one could say that I disagree with one of the messages in the great film “The Secret”… The concept that “the grass doesn’t strain to grow” or that flowers don’t struggle to bloom… they just… DO IT.
While this may be true in OUR outside perspective, watching and waiting for these events to occur… could there not be an internal struggle within these organic life forms? Is it not possible that the reason all blades of grass are not standing straight up, or at the same angle is because each blade has endured much, in its own perception, that got it to the present state of growth that it is in? Is in not possible that the reason why some flowers never bloom at all is because of the failure to achieve its purpose? Is it not possible that the homeless man I saw in South Beach, Miami a few weeks ago, sleeping in the doorway overhang of a closed business tried to follow his purpose but ended up in the state in which I saw him in?
Absolutely.
In more recent times, I’ve seen the movie “Waking Life”, and one of the MANY FABULOUS parts of that movie describe how “creation seems to come out of frustration” and desire. I’m more apt to subscribe to this theory, the reason being that every major goal that I’ve ever achieved in my personal life has been the results of dedication, perseverance, and a sustained effort to achieve it. Through those moments of struggle, strife, and setback, I can compare them to the way a flower tilts on its stem, or the way a tree limb flexes and bends, even dies off due to its environment.
The environment in which the seed is set to grow in often has EVERYTHING to do with the fulfillment of its purpose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
There is no set standard which I "judge" a worthy companion... it's more of a fundamentality, a foundation.... a premise of person which I seek.
I find it exhausted reminding a girl of how she "fits the bill", or that she is worthy. It's not that I tire of saying how much I like her; I don't think that is possible for me to get that way in such a context. I ENJOY reminding and reinforcing the fact that I ADORE a mate in my life... what I get tired of is the STRUGGLE to CONVINCE that person.
I'm not a stranger to this sensation, women in my past that have acted similar... Something to the affect of asking such questions like, "Why don't you like me?" In hopes that I argue the point, and reinforce such insecurities with a vehement response that opposes what you have stated to be your opinion on how I feel. This is far too complicated and tedious to be sustainable, in my most humble opinion. I am a very loving person, particularly in relationships, if a woman can't get what she needs to feel "loved" or "special" from what I give WITHOUT having assumptions made, or even coerced (inadvertently or otherwise), then that woman is a full time job that I simply don't have the resources to afford.
I know it may sound cold, but... I spent years of my life trying to FEEL like I was a good boyfriend or lover by chasing down and satisfying the needs of a woman. I deserve my own tastes and room in my life for my own passions, my capacity for such things is severely restricted when I pursue such a continuously tedious task as constantly meeting the minimum requirements of someone else. Most women that do such things are not self aware enough to realize they are acting in such a way, and honestly, 90% of the women I've met in my life (particularly, the hot ones) NEVER reach such a level of self awareness because there are so many other guys that will keep on trying until they themselves are used up, and either break down, give up, or get left behind.
These days, I do my very best to avoid impossibly sustainable scenarios. The reasons why I call a girl, or why I come to get her, or why I let her hang out at my house while I'm at work, etc, is because I like her! Those are FINE excuses that I've admittedly used MANY times in the past to get a girl the HELL out of my way without being mean or cruel. Sometimes, I actually like a girl, but I tell her I have to go anyway, just so that I don't "burn out" what connection we have started. What I find that often happens, is that we (me and “her”) are not getting to the places we want to be, and we arrive in a constant state of LACK, without the right ACTIONS to make our dreams a reality.
I suffer from that disease... I often put my dreams and desires on a back burner when I date. This is something that I think is hard for a potential mate to understand.. I am in COMPLETELY uncharted waters with my own SELF here.... I don't have a playbook to read from that tells me what play I should run when it's 3rd and long, or whether I should use a designated hitter to bat against this particular pitcher... all that shit I used to do in the past DID NOT WORK.
Sure, maybe some of it did... for a while... but was ANY of it sustainable?
Apparently not.
I'm still single. I'm still learning.
But HOW LUCKY AM I to be here, right here... right now?
For me, dating is something that I don't want to be based on the same rules I've always used... I've used those guidelines before, and while it may be comfortable, it's not what I have LEARNED to be REAL and true... to be... well...
forever.
I believe that some things DO last forever, not physical objects, but methods... techniques... processes. THESE things are what is real and true, and I will not settle for anything less than that.
It's not that I don't concern myself with how others feel, it’s that I don't concern myself with another’s feelings when it means that I have to make a decision based on where I am, and how I feel. When a woman tells me she loves me... that doesn't mean that suddenly everything I must do to sustain her emotion is contingent upon whether I factor in her feelings.
Consider this, someone said they love you... so... whatever you were doing up to that point in which that person made that statement... factors into the reason of WHY they love you. For better or worse… They may love you for the wrong reasons, but that’s a whole different subject matter… If LOVE is felt for you, and now... they expect you to suddenly make decisions differently, by factoring in their feelings?
That's something I've done TIME and TIME and TIME again... I've stuck around in a relationship-like state in order to make a girl happy... to keep from feeling like I'm an asshole because a decision I made hurt someone else.
Man… I really couldn't bear that pain and self-loathing EVER again.
What I had effectively done was given up what I wanted, to give someone else what they wanted. Because I loved them... and even though I didn't want to be with them anymore, I still had love in my heart... I became a martyr for someone elses feelings…
and lost myself.
After a handful of heartbreaks, and over a decade of dating and being "in love", I FINALLY realize this about myself... with unshakable confidence and solidity, I know now what I had done wrong, and learned what the difference was in doing the right thing.
The right thing
for me,
for her,
for the Universe…
How many times should I have walked away from a past lover? How many times did I try to, only to allow myself to buckle and continue to suffer in a doomed relationship? How often had I let things continue, even BEGGED for the “us” to continue... only to eventually lose respect for one another by the time things came to an end?
How many times....
I don't think I could begin to even count that high.
I want to find someone special... and I want to bond with her in such a way that would make other, less affectionate people want to barf at the sight of us... I want a magical, hell raising, crazy, mad, passion-filled relationship full of excitement, conquests, and achievements. I welcome the CHALLENGES of love in these modern times of Social decay, I want to show the world that happiness is not something you can pre-order, buy off the shelf, or even lie your way to...
but Love is something you make for yourselves,
Something that two people can create with nothing more…
than truth,
Fearlessness,
PASSION
and HEART.
I still believe in love.
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Wednesday, April 01, 2009
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Current mood:  catalyzed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
There are many elements of my life that I have often regarded as "good". Using the generic term of "good" leads most to thing of things like chocolate, strawberry, model-like figure, pretty, fancy, high-quality, orgasms, fast, durable, fun, long, tall, beautiful, and otherwise. "Good" can mean a lot of things... and as I'm sure you have discovered by now... "good" may eventually change to "bad", and vice versa.
How you say?
Think about this...
Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Remember the first puff you took?
Fuuuuuuckin' disgusting. Ew. Gag, Yuck, Barf, Why do people do this? etc etc.
That was my first thought anyway.
Over time, we develop a habit, a crutch if you will... for whatever reason. Maybe you are stressed out and after you got through the first 3 or 4 disgusting tasting smokes, or perhaps found a brand that you liked (or hated LESS), you find that smoking has a calming effect on your nerves, and you are able to return to your day without wanting to jump through a 15-story window head first... but you still leave it as a possibility in the near future if shit gets ANY worse...
So... did that cigarette you just had REALLY serve a purpose? Did it REALLY make things all better? Did it solve ANY of your problems?
Obviously..... not.
And for those who may feel otherwise, consider that what the cigarette did was make you FEEL a little better about the ENVIRONMENT that you currently occupy. Is that SOMETHING? Sure it. But I'm taking a position on a more global, fundamental scale here. That cigarette isn't making your environment any better at all. In fact, quite the opposite.
What it takes to TRULY change things, is not just a temporary effort to make "right now" SEEM better, but a PROCESS that ALLOWS for something ELSE to become the norm. A BETTER scenario can and will become a reality if we should choose to implement a strategy that requires a new and improved approach.
What happens after awhile when you put a few 1000 miles on your car? The car starts to sound a little different, maybe it doesn't start up the same way, or maybe it drives differently, perhaps STOPS different, typically cars don't run BETTER when this change happens. After a lot of "wear and tear" through a redundant process of starting and moving and stopping, things start to need replaced. Oil needs changed, filters need replaced, spark plugs, fuel pumps, water pumps, brake pads, timing belts, all kinds of things wear out eventually by repeating the same activities over and over again.
Sound familiar?
The Human Body is a far more complex system than any automobile (Although you may disagree if you've ever tried to replace a clutch in a 2002 Volkswagen), yet the body has similar needs. Food and drink for fuel, regular washes to maintain aesthetic appeal, fluid changes to keep systems functioning properly (with the CORRECT types of fluid!), ok ok ok, you get the idea. The point is, you need to to know how to take care of yourself (and each other) much like you do with a car.
So why does it seem like such a difficult concept to gasp when you consider that everyday we leave that pile of laundry undone, or stretch times out between meals, not exercising, even waiting to vacuum the floors or do the dishes, all these things are "habits" that ultimately put our "systems" at risk for failure or adversity.
Trust me. I'm guilty of all the above RIGHT NOW as I type this.
That's got to stop.
Not small, little changes, but HUGE, MASSIVE TRANSFORMATIONS of what my life is to become are long LONG Overdue.
The first idea of making huge changes, is doing something drastic. Do something that will cause a RADICAL shift in everyday activities. Sure, that's great, and that will surely get A result, but will it get THE results that you want?
Hm.
All in all, I'm really not doing all that badly from a general perspective. I've got my little apartment in Downtown St Pete, I've got awesome cats, the BEST friends that ANYONE could EVER ask for, 2 Cars, A 3.5 GPA towards my Masters Degree, A job that's kind of fun (sometimes), and lots of hobbies and interests.
However...
I get down on myself for not being more financially stable. I don't think that I should be worried about where the rent is coming from every month, or have bill collectors programmed into my phone under the name "NO!", constantly wondering if my car is going to be outside still when I leave for work. Or how about the fact that I'm a 29 year old Pizza Man with a Bachelor of Science Degree? It's not that I haven't TRIED to change these things in my life... in fact, I've tried quite a few times, with doing the cable guy thing, the boiler guy thing, the GIS guy thing, all kinds of "things".... apparently, not the RIGHT things though.
I saw a terrific quote earlier this evening:
"you'll never leave where u are, until u decide where you'd rather be"
Do you ever get that "click" feeling? Like, "ooooooooooooh, NOW I GET IT!"
Maharishi wrote in Transcendental Meditation that the mind can only hold one thought at any given single moment. When we get overwhelmed with our lives, often it is the result of thinking about 100s of things over and over in a cycle, yet we still have but one thought, at any one moment.
I spend SOOOOO much of my time thinking about where I AM, and not where I want to BE. I think about all the car drama I've been through lately, all the work drama that is PERPETUAL in the restaurant/service business, the LACK of drama from my LACK of desire to date...
I have so many great things going for me, but I just can't seem to develop a true vision of what it is that I WANT my life to look like. I'm a fairly observant person, and I notice when other people are having an experience similar to mine, or perhaps one that I've already been through. What I find is, most people are right there with me, unable to shake the past slime-like goo that sludge up their avenues of possibility because they are so hung up on something that cannot be changed, only repeated or avoided. I'm all for knowing what NOT to do, but what about knowing the RIGHT things to do, and WHEN to do them?
Yes, it's true I may have my Masters Degree in less than a year, but what does that matter if I continue thinking the same way I do today? I've been told COUNTLESS times that I'm wasting myself on jobs that don't gratify me, or offer me the challenge I need to stay interested. Funny how people seem to know me so well, haha, but that is partially true... I do feel like I am capable of much much more. My crazy hippy side wants to develop a "true" green fuel cell, powered by solar, wind, hydrogen and/or geothermal energy (possibly kinetic feedback as well), but the truth is, I've ALWAYS thought on such a large scale at just about every major project I took upon myself.
I do have some serious ambition... yet why am I still broke and scraping to get by?
Because I never left a place that I made for myself, happy to just be alive, but miserable because I've not been capable of manifesting my own future reality.
It's about time I got the vision, it's about time you did it too. It's about time we all stop making excuses like "I'm too busy" or "After this is over, then maybe" and my personal favorite, "One Day..."
That day is now,
and it's Long Overdue.
See you at the top.
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Friday, December 19, 2008
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Current mood:  exhausted
Category: Life
So often, I become critical of myself. I make mistakes, and I will allow things to stress me out. I feel pressured by time passing by so quickly, and there are moments in my life that I get so incredibly bogged down... Like I just want to lie in bed, and do absolutely nothing... at all but close my eyes and breath. I've been running in the rat race again, something I find myself doing periodically. It's been "the new usual" lately... Work, Work, Work, Work, Sleep, School, School, Work I really don't get out like I used to... or hang out with as many people either. I'm in the middle of Masters Degree, and I'm muddling though it fairly well... But I'm just not into this Statistics class... I've done similar statistical data in finding angular velocities and RMS current and voltage levels during my Bachelors, but this is "Business" related material... and frankly, I'd rather be playing with an oscilloscope and blowing up relays. I dig me some math... but statistical analysis? Ugh. I've fallen severely behind in the class, and even as I write this now, I have a MULTITUDE of material to go over, a final "team" project to work on, a paper to write, and 5 weeks worth of workbook (story type problems... lots of them...) assignments due. The whole situation has me constantly plagued with "dis" ease, and has been riddled with hurdles to overcome in order to maintain my less than stellar B average. I know I can do better than this.... but for some reason... I'm just not. I take full responsibility for it too. It really is all on me. Yet... all that does, is seem to drive me even further into negativity... because I don't seem to DO the things to bring me out of it... Strangely enough... I actually AM doing some really good things right now, but I'm not enjoying those feelings from it... instead I sulk in my self-disappointments. I literally know I'm doing the wrong things, yet the lack of ignorance no longer seem to be enough to motive me. I beat myself up over A-'s and B+'s, not because those aren't good grades... but because I know I am capable of Acing this stuff. Totally. I am not doing what needs to be done though, I'm not sticking to deadlines, and I'm letting it all pile up on me to where I have to throw it all together at the last minute... and as a hella editor I am... I don't get it" right".. get it... polished... in order to compete with the "top of the class" while earning a Masters Degree. Trust me... it's no walk in the park. I just know I can kick its ass, but I'm letting it kick mine instead. Despite this ugly truth, the fact I'm doing as well as I am is a testament to the 80 / 20 rule. You get 80% of everything done in 20% of the time you have. lately... I've been more on a 95 / 5 rule... and that's not good. Tonight... I had a group presentation to take part in..., and we had to write a 5000 word APA formatted paper, and do a presentation that demonstrates our knowledge of statistical analysis.... and I'm the only one of the four of us that made any effort to actually use statistical terms in the paper. Statistical terminology makes up 50% of the entire grade of the paper according to the assignment rubric.... Three shots of 5 hour energy drink later... I did the larger part of our presentation in class because I was the only one who had ANY mention of statistical data references.... While I realize I've been falling behind, I somehow managed to pull off yet another miraculous "last minute save". In the typical "old-school" Justin fashion... I'm getting too old for that garbage man... I'm just glad I was able to step up when I was the only one who could. One other team mate helped with the layout of the presentation, but in comparison to the other groups that presented to the class tonight... it was pretty weak. Somehow... troubles and difficultly find me yet again... I keeping telling myself... it's something I'm doing... because it's true. Perhaps... I'm not celebrating the victories enough. This week, I made AWESOME cash at work, I actually made back some of my losses in the stock market, and learned all kinds of new methods of playing stocks and the news.... I hung out with friends a little, helped out my neighbor, changed my driver-side axle and fixed 50% of the crap wrong with my car... with my own two hands... and I rock-starred in my "learning team" I finally did the dishes... I finally vacuumed my apartment... I even worked a little more on http://legal.justinmerrill.comI got my first email from someone who found me through a search engine. She wants information on how to sign up for the legal insurance plans I'm licensed to sell for a publicly traded company on the New York Stock Exchange. That makes me smile... since I haven't done "Search Engine Optimization" (SEO) in almost 3 years, and am already getting hits after submitting to Google less than a week ago. That makes me feel... real... REAL good. about the future of my business. I even managed to finish one of 2 make up assignments from missing the last half of class during the first week of the semester to go see The Toadies play 6 blocks from my apartment. (It was SO worth it!) Hell, I'm even doing my laundry as I type. Really... It's been a fantastic week in terms of "productivity". But still... I know I'm capable of more, and I sometimes let "blah", overcome the "rah!" For example.... The biggest deal in my financial history just took place this past week. Finally.... I no longer own the house in Ohio. AND... with the help of many many attorneys... some of them from my legal insurance network, I actually do not owe ANY of the 2 1/2 YEARS of mortgage I could no longer pay. That.... is a big deal. I've been waiting for this day for literally YEARS, I can FINALLY start rebuilding my credit... and work on that old dream of buying my own home again. While I have to admit, the fact that I feel like I failed at the opportunity I had by mom leaving the house to me (with a mountain of debt on it), I still feel REALLY good about having that crap off my mind. REALLY good.... For anyone who has known me for awhile, this on-going drama has woven itself into the very fabric of my existence... and now it feels as though the cast has come off. -ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- You know... I'm pretty awesome, and I don't say that lightly. I mean it. Believe it or not... You are awesome too. Sometimes it takes awhile to really let the good things happening in your life to really sink in, and become a part of your everyday routine. That's why it's so easy to get caught up in the never-ending churn of a mundane life. "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" (that's Emerson... I think...) I'm heading to Ohio for my annual Christmas visit, and it's going to be a little weird not having the house to go to... even though it was cold and empty... and slightly creepy with no electric or running water, it was still mine... and I still have some (mostly) bitter (semi) sweet memories of the place. I put a lot of effort (and capital) into that house, and not having it there does make a difference in how I feel about what once was my home... But then I realize what doors this opens for me, and I start to feel those foreign sensations of.... Happy. I see the flaws in the foundation I'm working with, but I have finally become self-aware enough to act in a positive fashion. I haven't been taking very good care of myself... and that really needs to stop. I used to go to Yoga class 2-4 times a week, work out at least 2 times a week, eat much MUCH better, and steer clear of some bad habits I have been flirting with... like eating pizza... once a day... and nothing else... and smoking cigarettes. Bleh. Being were I am right now, I can learn from this place... it's where NOT to be. We are all human, and something tells me, that someone out there is reading this, and relating to every letter. For that person, I want to tell you something that you should never EVER forget. You are Awesome. It's about time you treat yourself like you are, because you deserve to be at your best, and make life happen for YOU. Believe that.
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Wednesday, November 05, 2008
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Current mood:  determined
Category: News and Politics
Keep Your Coins, I Want Change.
Coming from a Pizza Man... that could be a very accurate statement in light of the decline in tip averages I've been experiencing lately.
Don't get me wrong... I'm very blessed to do as well as I do...
but have you ever considered what stereotypes and judgments have done to the foundation of the America Spirit?
When people approach me, it's as if I was merely a puppet. No feelings, no personality, no family, no hopes, no dreams, no valid opinion. I'm just the dumb ass that you can pass and cut in front of, cut-off and pull out in front of any time you need to get to the liquor store 2 seconds faster.
I get treated like I am absolute dirt by the majority of people in Tampa. I used to think I was just being sensitive or paranoid, but when I tell people that I just about left because they took too long to come to the door, or to meet me where they said they would after 5 minutes or more of waiting. "How long have you been out here?" they ask. "At least 5 minutes" I respond. "That's not that long." they reply. "Tell that to the guy who has a cold meal because of it." I say.
5 minutes a REAL long time when you're a delivery driver. You want to do a good job, but you are impeded by others who only care about themselves. When you call people out on their selfishness, they want to use it as an excuse to give you a bad tip. So now... you delivered to an asshole who took forever, and then you have a pissed off customer who did not get their food on time, then you get another crappy tip. Beyond that, if they call back to complain, then you have to run another order back out to them, and usually get NO TIP for the second trip. While your pizza my be free, the gas I used to drive BACK to the house, is not.
Some of the most intelligent and educated people I've ever met are working minimum wage jobs (like me) and using their wit and high-energy to just "get by".
I hope this is what Obama is talking about when he speaks of rising above the current "status quo" of government policy.
It takes money to make money. This isn't a new concept, but it is, by design, a means of indentured servitude. Some of the most successful people in history have had to endure a life of difficulty and strife to merely have the CHANCE at realizing their dreams.
I think back to the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness"....
The guy gave up everything he had at just a CHANCE.
What if the higher-ups were racist? Or they only had enough in the budget for the family of the CEO who was nearly as qualified? What if this brilliant man was never successful? Can you imagine the cost to society?
Can you imagine how many stories ARE like that....?
That's what I'm getting at.
There is a profound cost to EVERYTHING we do.
In business school, we call it "opportunity cost".
I should know, I've been working like a grunt for the past 6 years with a Higher Education because I haven't found that niche that both satisfies me, and pays the bills without worry.
When I was growing up, it was the thing to do to make all your problems go away... go to school, get a great job, makes lots of money, marry a wonderful woman, and have kids and live happily ever after.
I am hoping that with the shift in power of not only America, but also the WORLD, we will start to see fundamental shifts that are more in line with the human capacity to love.
My intention of going to business school is not to perpetuate that which is always there, but to prove that you do can still make a living without being evil.
People first, profits second.
This election atmosphere has got my wheels churning... and I want to break out of this funk I've been in for the past few months... I want to help make things better for us all.
I'm mainly focused on alternative energy sources right now, because I am well aware that if the people can sustain their own energy, there is no need for government taxation, no need for regulation, no need to be quarreling over who controls the "oil", there is only sharing, and without harm to the environment.
If I had a windmill on the roof of my apartment building that I built that could get me 1000 Watts of continuous power (1Kw/hr), I'd barely use half that much in a month, feeding the rest "back into the grid" (based on my last energy bill where I used 600Kwh).
What if we all got together... and built this stuff ourselves? What if we cut the big lobbyists out, the local government out, and just came together? Really... what is stopping us?
I don't think the current condition of our socioeconomic system is the cause of our REAL problems,
I think these issues are merely symptoms.
Every one of us gets wrapped up in what the next person has that we don't, or what we have that "they" want. Obama has been called a "socialist" for wanting to "spread the wealth", and McCain has tried like hell to paint him an evil "tax raiser" for it, yet McCain has STILL not came out with the HOW in his "invisible Plan" to turn the economy around, resolve conflicts with foreign nations, and remove the dependence our country has on foreign oil.
In the decades past, the United States has always been able to keep up with the new technology and innovation required to compete globally, be it in war tactics, or in standard of living. So why is it that we are now referring to decade old technologies to build our future on?
The same reason it took 50 years for tobacco companies to be exposed for their shady tactics.
At some point, money and power have to take a back seat to what is most important.
Evolution.
Are you telling me that in 2008, the only company capable of producing a vehicle that gets over 60 miles to the gallon is Toyota? Geo made a car in 1993 that got 50mpg! I know, because I owned one! It went over 100 miles an hour and at times I got over 50 miles to the gallon. It ran on 3 cylinders and was a 1 liter engine. Sure it was built like a tin can with wheels, but it was FAR more efficient than my beloved VW Beetle that doesn't even get 25 miles to the gallon! 15 years of innovation, and we haven't evolved... we've DE-evolved in efficiency. Do you think that is an accident? The fact that I first learned about "Global Warming" in the 4th Grade in a small town Elementary School in Ohio tells me....
no, it's no accident.
There are happenings that are very deliberate to make things the way they are now.
I used to like the fundamentals of Capitalism... the spirit of competition brings new innovation. Competition inspires the souls to rise above challenges and reach new peaks in performance and efficiency.
But not when the deck is stacked against you.
We have a lot of problems in this world, from Wars, to global climate change, to economic crises, and now, even resource crises, like the worldwide shortage of crude oil, fresh water, and silicon (the main element used in Integrated Circuits [microchips in electronic devices] and CPU's [Microprocessors in computers]).
Not a single one of these crises are unavoidable.
It is my opinion that we simply need to band TOGETHER, rather than "divide and conquer".
.
This is my mission statement. I want to project the change I see in the world, and both learn and show others a model for success consistent with evolution.
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Friday, September 12, 2008
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Current mood: exhausted
Category: Religion and Philosophy
This is absolutely awesome.
"Once in a while you get shone the light in the strangest of places if we look at it right." - Jerry Garcia
I hear so much negativity about MySpace in the media... people complaining about this and that...
Well have I got a story for you.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Andrea
Date: Sep 11, 2008 9:04 PM
not sure what's going on.. but I guess I'll give this advice anyway..
keep going.. keep studying.. whether you "want" to learn it or not.. (and honestly some things we're forced to learn like.. oh.. general chemistry or physics ARE worthless IMHO) you will use it at some point... even if it's to help your kid 10 years from now not blow his or her eyebrows off...
some subjects are REALLY hard.. just keep going.. keep studying.. it'll all pay off.. it'll all be worth it..
from one student to another... I just keep telling myself all of this..
and if you need help.. well, depending on the subject.. just let me know... I'll do the best I can to help you...
my subject range is from English, Humanities, etc to Sciences... Math I can do some.. but not much good in history or some of the more "physical" sciences (physics, gen chem).
Good luck!
Andrea
====================================================
---------- My Reply ----------
Aww... thank you SO much, you are truly wonderful!
I'm not sure if it's my academic ego or my resistance to being a drain on others... yet I don't know that ANYONE could help with the type of assignments, just being designed the way they are....
but it's not only school that is challenging me in life right now.
I had one of the hardest days I've lived in a long time today... I have 2 broken down cars that have me stressed out and bumming rides, riding buses and bicycles... my life is utter chaos. What makes the issue so stressful is that I use my cars to MAKE my MONEY... the whole reason I have 2 is so that I'll always have one going... but that has not been the case.
I've been trying to fix the easier car problem for over a week now, but I keep running out of time to work on it, and lack the tools, having to buy them, as well as rent a car to work in to ensure I keep my job during this rough time, and to keep my income stream flowing.
I had stayed up all the night before till about 6am (Thursday), working on my paper for my Business Management course, slept till around 9am, woke up and finished the paper by 2:15pm, went to the auto parts store for the tool I needed to try to fix my car by Friday in order to avoid spending my very last dime on renting a car for one more day so that I could make it to work... and they sold me the wrong tool.
I had to be IN class 17 miles away by 6pm.
I got a shower after getting all greasy trying to FORCE it to work... even though I needed more tools, and found out that the bus I had planned to take actually takes off 30 city blocks from where I thought it did...
So I hauled ass on my now 12 year old BMX bike that my Dad bought me when I was 16 to the correct bus station, and caught the very last bus going the direction of my school. (Our buses here have racks for your bikes now, it's pretty much awesome.)
I had my laptop bag along with all my school supplies with me, I was stoked that I was going to still make it to class at all, let alone only 10 minutes late!
I got my assignment done, and made it to school.
Mission Accomplished.
But...
during all this chaos, my wallet had vanished from my pockets from the vigorous bike riding no doubt... or perhaps it fell out of my pocket on the bus?? I don't know. But every penny I was going to use to buy the tools, and possibly rent a car with... was also.. in the wallet. My ID, everything... lost.
But...
I lost my bank card a few weeks ago, weird because I don't typically lose such important items... but I've done it three times in 5 months, counting the cell phone fiasco of May.
Since my NEW bank card came in the mail...
and my direct deposit just hit my account 3 hours ago...
and I have a photo ID with my Passport... and my Drivers License Number memorized...
I'm actually going to be ok.
I even had the opportunity to see some of the best people I know tonight, I got a ride for me and my bike because someone asked me for a computer part that has been taking up space in my SEVERELY cluttered apartment... and in turn they gave me a ride home.
I'm actually feeling rather blessed right now
that I have eyes to see the possibility even in the times where I want to buckle and give in to failure...
I even went on an extended bike ride after I got home because In the middle of the crazy shit, I realized how much I miss riding.
I bounce pretty well.
Thanks for your support, it really does mean a lot to me.
- J
========================
I've been wanting to write a blog on my "Bounce" philosophy for some time now.
There's no time like the present.
I can only hope that you had at least a LITTLE better day than mine.
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Saturday, September 06, 2008
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Current mood:  animated
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Pulling yourself out of the mundane, repetitive bullshit of the life that has become your own... has never been something I've been particularly fantastic at.
But I'm getting better at it.
I will ALWAYS be getting better at it.
That's a part of me I consider highly virtuous and find inner strength from that leads to the confidence face Keep Moving Forward.
With that being said... even the Hubble Telescope and the Mars probe landing took awhile to reach their destination...
but once they did...
Wow...
The knowledge we learned.... The profound amount of understanding we realized we lacked... it's all so beautiful and wondrous...
at least to those who have eyes to see it.
It's these events and accomplishments that make my life so grand and give me an overwhelming "blessed" sensation that pours from my body, makes the hairs on my arms stand straight up, and warms even the coldest, darkest parts of my soul.
But to get there... sometimes...
it takes time.
Over the course of the last few years, I've had some MASSIVE changes in my life take place. After my last relationship, I realized there are things about me and my perception that need much work... much enlightenment... and much love and consideration...
And Much to be Healed.
No one really knows what really goes on in my little sub-universe that swirls in my brain, the pain, the anger, the sorrow, the pride, the angst, the guilt, the fear, the passion, the desire, the motivation....
The Love.
All these emotions, these waves of thought and energy... they all have their own signature, a pattern to them... just like the Ocean waves, just like the texture of the sand on the beach as the winds blows across the surface, like a snowflake, like the clouds... so many patterns, yet, they have their unique attributes that which make them whole.
In my deep and most profound thoughts, I've come to my own conclusion that this universe is comprised of many frequencies, working in synergy to comprise all that we see, touch, hear, smell, taste, and also...
feel.
Although I believe this to be true, there are some difficulties to honing such knowledge for a greater good...
You see... Frequency is believed by modern science... to be a function of TIME.
1 / t = f
1 / seconds = Hertz (Hz)
so...
what if you stopped time? what if.... time equals ZERO?
try it on your calculator, and you'll get an error.
any number divided by zero is NOT equal to zero,
It's equal to infinity.
Infinity.... what is that anyway? just some word someone made up to describe the indescribable?
Yea...
pretty much.
When you think of it in relative terms though... it's beyond our narrow scope of conception.
Consider that a housefly lives roughly 2 weeks. When we try to swat a fly, we can try to smack that fly in under a second with cat-like reflexes, but consider that humans live to roughly 80 years.. there are over 4,164 weeks in an 8 year span, (counting leap days), so to a fly, it's theorized that the world is passing by 2,082 times faster. When I dodge an accident on the roads of Tampa, I only have a few seconds at the very MOST to react to the situation... a few seconds to a fly is 6,246 in theoretical perception. So... what happens if I wait 6,246 seconds to react to the light turning red up ahead?
Bad things.
To a fly, 80 years must seem like infinity...
to humans... its the norm.
infinity is defined on dictionary.com as: infinite space, time, or quantity.
It literally means, "more than a lot."
to me... it has always meant "everything".
Everything thing in my little universe, is my perception of "infinity".
I've stopped time, to take a look at just what "everything" is to me.
And I've gained much from doing so...
So now, I'm in the middle of my self-inventory, and I'm sorting it all out based on what I need most right now, and what I need to get rid of... and taking note of those things that I plan on using in the future.
I'm not saying I have it all figured out,
I'm not saying I will be successful,
I'm not saying that I have special powers...
I'm saying that I am going things for myself, with the EXPECTATION of getting better at being Justin.
As rough as things have been lately, there are monumental breakthroughs with my life that I've achieved and am working towards in this very moment.
I am alive, and I am making progress...
I've been seemingly dead inside for so long, I forget how to express my joy, my ambition, my passions.... my love.
I can't hold off time forever though,
So look out,
I'm back in the mix with a whole new momentum.
=o)
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Wednesday, August 20, 2008
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Blogging
From time to time, I change the face and content of my profile page...
and I post the old one into a blog before I do it. I usually accompany the old blog with a little piece about where I am in this moment... such as I am doing now.
I do this to give myself a "checkpoint" to be able to look back into my old blogs and see where I've come from, where I've been,
and with any luck...
how far I've come.
But wait...
is "traveling far" necessarily always moving to a better place?
I'm afraid it's not.
I take a look at the effed up MESS that my page has become over the past 9 months or so, and I am at a loss as to exactly how I got to this place I'm in right now.
Truth be told...
I've seen much better days.
Summertime has always been historically rough for me, particularly towards the end... yet I strongly believe that you have to break old patterns and STEP UP in situations where you feel hopeless... listless... empty...
and numb.
If this were a multiple choice exam... I'm afraid I'd have to check all the above.
I've fallen into a deep funk these last few months, I think it actually started about March, but slowly and steadily declining ever since.
Before, I was working out 3-4 times a week; I was making good money at work 35-45 hours a week instead of this crazy 40-60 hours a week rollercoaster I've been on lately... I've been doing some things that I had quit doing for years because I was disciplined enough to stop after I realized they were bad for me, I've been erratic with my personal health and somewhat introverted, despite my peppered adventures with friends and colleagues.
I keep this smile on my face... because sometimes, it's easier than dealing with the pain...
and It's a pretty big smile if I do say so myself.
I keep using the word I, and me, and my... and it is getting old being inside my own head all the time, not having the capacity to deal with my own crap, let alone stop and think about other people and their troubles, their triumphs and perspective..
and I feel a deep sense of guilt over that...
because the fact is... I am acting out the very DEFINITION of stupidity.
"Ignorance is not knowing, Stupidity is knowing better, but doing it anyway."
All in all I have a great sense of what I need, and what's good for me, yet I can't seem to bring my vibrations to those levels. I've trapped myself in this mess, stuck on petty bullshit and trivial issues that keep me bound and blindfolded from the beauty that life is... and it's smothering the wonderful light I have to show this world.
I realize these things...
yet I don't ACT, I don't EMPOWER myself with these great opportunities around me...
and I get down on myself.
I want to be in a better place... but I don't do what it takes to get there...
at least... I haven't been.
I look back and think, "How did I get to these great places I once was?"
How did I get to Bonnaroo? How did I get to Mexico? How did I get to speak at my Uncle Jim's funeral? How did I get to stand up to those which douse my flames? How did I get to Ultra? How did I get the concepts for Electronic Design? How did I get to be so popular?
What ever it was... it's not here now.
Some places you can just jump in your car and drive too, other places you have to FLY.
That's not to say I don't have Lift Off every now and then while I drive...
-grin-
But when I have these days... where I have the next few days off work with nothing that I absolutely MUST do other than maybe some laundry and grocery shopping... I start getting a bigger better picture of the mess that my life has become... and I realize...
I'm tired.
I'm absolutely exhausted.
I felt this way when I quit doing the "cable man" job, and didn't have any real steady employment for about 3 months. I recall how worn down I was from being 190% at all times, working 2 full time, VERY physically demanding jobs, sleeping 3 hours a day, eating gas station cuisine and constantly just wanting to burst out into tears because no matter how hard I EVER tried... it was never good enough for anyone.
I came to the realization that it was all my own fault.
It's not fair to expect others to except less from me just because I don't have anything left to give them, or I'm not giving them my best. That's what I had to realize in my last relationship...
Just because I try so hard to be something better...
doesn't mean its working.
In fact, if you ARE trying THAT hard to please everyone...
including yourself...
You're not doing something right.
I want change... but where I am right in this moment,
I really don't know how to get there. I don't know what approach to take, what mindset to take up, what to devote my unbridled passions into to get me from point SUCK, FEAR, DOUBT, GUILT to point LOVE, PASSION, JOY, CONTENTMENT.
But I'll find it.
In this place where I am now, it doesn't have enough bars to keep me in forever.
Moving into this new place, and having new opportunities to generate socially, financially, and culturally,
I have the power to change.
I have the power to inherit all that my surrounding have to offer.
I used the word "Prince" very deliberately when named this entry...
Because a Prince will someday become King.
So here is to Royalty.
Salu'te.
====================================================
Justin Stops Time's Blurbs
About me:
There is this thing..
that happens once a year...
Called ULTRA - it's part of the Winter Music Conference, If you don't know what that is, it's a convention of Techno/Dance/Electronica music that will BLOW YOUR MIND!
It will take place in Miami Florida March 29-30, 2008.
I'll be there,
having the TIME of my LIFE, dancing like I know how...
you should come too,
it's going to be unforgettable.
-grin-
I get on MySpace a lot.
I should be doing more constructive things that sitting here on my ass right now,
I've got a lot of living to do
What I'm doing with my life
Lovin' it!
I guess you could say I'm taking a lot of of "Me Time" right now.
A Lot.
The past year of my life have been filled with the kind of memories that will last a lifetime, and have been a continuous struggle of my spirit simultaneously...
But I'm still trying, I'm still learning... I'm making it somewhere.
From going to Mexico for my first international adventure, to Bonnaroo, Langerado, and Ultra music festivals, to seeing old friends I haven't seen in years, to making new ones... from reconnecting with family, watching my heroes fall and helping pick them back up, to becoming a hero to others... To going back to college for a Masters Degree in Business Administration, to realizing that there are more important things than money.... from realizing my own flaws and changing my ways to better myself and grow...
It's been an amazing ride, and I look forward to each and everyday of life.
I am truly blessed, and infinitely grateful.
I'm really good at
Talking to people, and making connections. I'm good at other boring dork/geek stuff too...
With that being said... talking about electron flow theory has actually got to be something people want to know or hear about.
That rocks my socks.
I could talk about that for EVER.
Since I've posted that statement, I have triggered many very interesting topics and discussions with some awesome people,
keep it coming.
I can dig it.
The first thing(s) people usually notice about me
My Smile, and my hair...
sometimes my massive bulge in my pants.
My favorite books(A), movies(B), music(C), and food(D)
(A) Great Expectations, Anything Mark Twain, Philosophy / Spirituality / Art of Living Type Books, Nintendo Power!
(B) Requiem Of A Dream, Desperado, Clerks II, Snatch, Crank, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Dodgeball, Momento, Boondock Saints, Four Rooms, Kill Bill (I and II), 50 First Dates, many many more...
(C) Pearl Jam, The Beatles, Rage Against the Machine, The John Butler Trio, Jack Johnson, Soundgarden, Nirvana, Metallica, Cake, Jet, Bush, DJ Sasha, John Digweed, techno, Gov't Mule]], Oasis, Pantera, MegaDeth, Kid Rock, Eminem, Staind, Sublime, Guns 'N' Roses, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Dirty Vegas, Rabbit in the Moon, Black Crowes, Sheryl Crow, Stabbing Westward, Radiohead, Los Lobos, Carlos Santana, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Filter, Army Of Anyone, The White Stripes, Tool, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, Audioslave, many many many others...
(D) Pasta, Pizza, Chicken!, STEAK!, ALL fruits, MOST Veggies, YUM! Now I'm all hungry... The six things I could never do without My Car (VW for life!), Cell Phone, My 2 Cats, High Speed Internet, (Quality) Hair Conditioner, and really (really really really) loud Stereo.
Something personal about me
In the past few years...
I've learned I CAN do without SEX!
Go me...
Well... I mean... I CAN...
but I COULD jam a fork into my eyeball and eat it too...
It's all a matter of what you WANT to do and what you don't.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How awesome life really is.
How to keep this train on it's tracks.
How to get better at living life.
How much I LOVE my car...
I went to my first big outdoor concert festival that took place somewhere in the sticks of Tennessee called Manchester.
It's called Bonnaroo
I'll never be the same again.
You should go next year,
It will change your life forever.
It's guaranteed to be a LOT of fun,
especially if you're rolling with ME.
I got to hit Langerado 2008 as well, It was an AWESOME Festival held in the Florida Everglades. I saw a plethera of bands that I used to hear as a kid, R.E.M., Beastie Boys, Arrested Development, 311 was there and Ani Difranco too, but I think my fav act of the whole 4 days was Matisyahu, If you don't know who he is, check him out, he's INCREDIBLE live.
On a typical Friday night I am If I'm not at work, and usually I am... I'd be partying with friends, or thinking about partying while I'm at work.
If I had a girlfriend, I'm sure she'd be on the top of my mind. (insert joke about "girl on top here")
how much more do you really need to know about me?
How much more do you really WANT to know about me?
I'll tell you what...
if you got something you want to know about me,
anything at all...
feel free to ask.
No really,
I'll tell you.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit here
I am willing to admit that I drive a 2002 Volkswagen Beetle Turbo S,
What makes it private is the fact that I stole it.
You can tell by the manner in which it is driven.
-grin-
I miss it terribly however.. it's been going through a complete engine overhaul and has been REAAAAAALLLY fucking expen$ive. But I should be back behind the wheel of it sometime in March.
Until then, I'm rockin' my beater Mazda Protege.
You should message me if
haha
well...
what's stopping you?
If you want to hang out and be friends, and maybe see where it takes us... that is what I am here for.
Always Keep Moving my friends.
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Saturday, August 02, 2008
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Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
There are 3 words that James Arthur Ray spoke at the seminar he gave last night in front of the 700 people that showed up to hear what he had to say in Tampa.
He spoke of how people create limits for themselves and have issues, known and unknown, holding them back from realizing the enlightened beings we already are. There are so many things we put contingencies upon… So many thoughts that thwart our progress… so many excuses that we have justified the LACK in our lives…
So many reasons we need to be healed…
I had one of the best days of my life yesterday.
Nothing all that spectacular took place, nothing extraordinarily exciting or adventurous…
It was just a great day to be alive.
Yesterday was the first day I've had off in a over a week, working both day and night shifts at 3 different stores on 2 sides of Tampa Bay during some rough times to help them through it and make some extra cash to recoup the expenses of moving and a new front axle. I slept in most of the day after staying up late with my dude Allen, and having a "guys night" out so to speak. It was my good friend Billy's birthday, and he asked me to come work out with him before he had to go into work. On my way to meet him, I stopped and got him a modest gift for the special occasion. I felt all kinds of awesome being of a giving spirit; I admittedly need far more such occasions in my life.
We had a great workout, and followed it up with getting one of the last 2 car loads of my stuff from my old room at Chris's place. Yes… it's been a month today that I moved into my new place and I'm STILL not done… Almost, but… well… I've got a million excuses why I haven't finished getting all my stuff out yet…. It's just that now that it's been a whole month, none of them are any good.
I came home to start some laundry and unpack the stuff I'd bought from my old place, and began getting ready for Mr. James Ray to speak live right in my neck of the woods… in a hotel that I've made countless deliveries too. Strange how different the perspective is when you are a guest and not on someone's time clock…
He had some many great things to talk about, he pegged so many issues within each of us, within himself, and within society as a whole. He gave me a terrific sense of worldliness when he shared his thoughts and perspectives as they often mirrored my own. Considering all the places he has studied and explored, all the cultures he's been exposed to, and all the life lessons that he's experienced, I felt as thought I was doing very well for myself considering I'm just a pizza guy living in a studio apartment, surviving paycheck to paycheck.
There were points of the lecture where I felt as though he were talking directly to me… he spoke of phenomena such as "zero-point energy" and how everything has "frequency". He even got into gorey details about the 2 conflicting theories about how energy is transferred. He spoke of the differences Einstein and Bora have with "Waves vs. Particles" and how the "observer effect theory" works. FASCINATING STUFF!!!! And the general crowd of people there didn't show up for a science lesson… yet here he was, discussing all these wonderful topics that I've been mulling over and over in my head for MONTHS now, some of it, only weeks…. But he told what he knew about it on this day…
I've got to say that's not the first time I've felt like I was EXACTLY where I was meant to be in that instant in time.
Especially… when he was pitching his "Harmonic Wealth Weekend".
He spoke of "showing the door to success" and how it was up to me to open it… he spoke of how there are blocks that we impose upon ourselves that keep us from realizing our true potential…
Man….
He couldn't be more right.
And it hit me in the face just a few short moments ago…
I was called in for about 2 hours late this morning to help out through a busy lunch rush. After I got home, I began working on getting "settled in" as I have yet to get all my stuff into my new place, let alone unpack all the boxes… I don't have to be into work until 6pm tonight at my "home" store, so I figured I would knock out some laundry and try to get a little closer to being totally "moved in".
As I sift through all these articles in which I posses, everything I own is now condensed into a space less than 600 square feet… including many articles of my past… things that I just didn't have the heart to throw away years ago…
I've found old letters from cute girls that used to write me by hand… one actually sent me actual photos through the mail! What a difference MySpace makes…
(Where ever you are April Monhollen, I continue to wonder what could have been, haha.)
I found clothes that I've never actually even worn, and old favs, like my black corduroy pants! Score!
I've found many many mementos of many past lives… from hair clips to photos from theme park rides, to newspapers with pertinent articles of people whom I know… obituaries…
But there was one thing in particular, that brought me to my knees…
One of Mom's original Last Will and Testaments.
Most of the content is very dry, blah blah call this person, call that person, Don't forget to feed the cats, and so and so should handle such and such affairs, yadayada…
But then…
There is that one page… with a letter to me.
I was only 15 when she wrote it, and since she had revised it many times as the circumstances to her "estate" had changed dramatically upon the time of her death…
But my grandmother found it and gave it to me because she thought I would want to have it.
"Dear Justin,
My only son, My only child, My best friend, My favorite person, My Inspiration.
I don't even know what to say. My love for you is beyond words.
You truly have always been my inspiration. You have truly given me the will to live. You are the light of my life.
I know you will miss me, but you must carry on. You are a big brother now, you are also a very gifted young man in very special ways. Please utilize all that God has given you. God has given you very special qualities that I have always been grateful for. You are truly blessed.
Please know that I will watch over you always, please also know that I will always love you.
Also, I'll give your Uncle Bobby a hug for you, I'll also tell Kurt Cobain hello.
I am at peace now, I am with God. I'll be sure to thank God for allowing you to be my son. I am so proud of you.
With more than love, and with more than words.
Your mom,
Muvs."
I could read it a million times… and be the same blubbering hot mess that I am right now…
I spent so long trying to make her desired to come true… I wanted to make the house that's now in foreclosure proceedings to work… I wanted to land that great job and have mom tout about how her son works for Intel, or some lucrative Dot Com, I wanted to meet a terrific woman and give her some grandchildren… there are so many things I want to do… to make her proud of me… I don't want to let her down…
Fuck…
But I sat there in a pile of pity, clutching a 13 year old letter in my hand thinking about all the time and energy I spent to make the words on the paper I was reading come true… about how many "poor me" thoughts came through my mind, how much anger and resentment I had because I was robbed of a mother figure in my adult life… how I'll never get to introduce my future wife to my Mom, how my kids would never have a grandmother… How hard it was to learn how to walk on my own, because I thought I'd always have Mom back home to lean on if times got tough… how I lost my safety net…
Then those 3 words hit me…
Square between the eyes.
I began to see the effects… the injury… the damage done…
And the healing I needed to do.
"Get Over It."
It's something Mom herself would have told me, as she had said many many times in her life. She would speak about a hard obstacle in her life, and say "Get Over It, Get Over It." As she bounced up and down singing a few lines of the popular The Eagles tune to me.
Get Over It.
We as Americans sit and piss and moan about $4 a gallon for gas when Europe pays about $8 per gallon, we sit and moan because we don't have the glamour lives we see on television, yet OVER HALF the WORLD lives off of about $2 a day!!!!
Seriously….
I've fallen into such traps, I admit it…
But I AM truly blessed… my life is amazing, my friends are awesome, I LOVE the Tampa Bay area that I live in…
And I'm fortunate to have an incredible mother that's proud of me, in everything I do… that watches over me twenty four seven and loves me… always, and forever.
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Sunday, July 20, 2008
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Current mood: tested
Category: Life
This is a story that could only be told in parts. If I had to name it, I'd have to call it:
"Adventures in Mexico"
Stay Tuned.
Over the course of the past 2 years, I have been living life at full throttle. Sure, I have my down times… my… "off" times where I buckle down and work long crazy hours, do side jobs, basically to "get my money right"… but in general, I've had a lot of adventures: Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Orlando, Eustis, Manchester (Tennessee), Cincinnati area (Ohio), Lawrenceburg (Indiana), Atlanta area, Panama City, THE Florida Everglades, Sarasota, Port Charolette, Lakeland, and many other mentionable places… but one adventure in particular stands out, unique from these… Mexico. During a MASSIVE transformation of my life last year, I found myself struggling financially after hanging up my tool belt and quitting the Cable Installation business. I thought being a cable man would earn me more money than being a pizza guy, give me something to build my future on and become a career for me, rather than just a job. What I learned… was the "Time Value of Money". While I may have earned more as a cable guy, I also spent more. I thought gas, and wear and tear on my cars driving pizza was bad… But working as a sub-contracted cable installer… Was FAR worse. Work Truck, Ladder Rack, a big, heavy expensive ladder, Tools and equipment to perform your job function and/or make your job easier, etc. These costs can be managed if you have an economic truck and got quality equipment and LOTS of skill… but the real killer… was the lifestyle. You work from basically 6am till Question mark 6 days a week, Sundays are optional. The longest shift I ever worked was from about 6:30am when I arrived to the Shop Headquarters and worked till 1am. Yea. I was at someone's house working on a 28-foot extension ladder, running an aerial drop through thick trees from a span clamp to the power mast of this little one story house somewhere in central Pinellas County. The job probably paid me about 80, and it took me roughly 4 hours to complete. Had I been a little more experienced, I may have been able to do the job in 3 hours, but I was still mastering how to run wires through trees on a ladder in the rain and in the dark with a small flashlight in my teeth, and mounting a discontinued power mast clamp to tie the coaxial messenger line off on to... The drive took me 20 minutes in each direction, roughly 30 miles, which was about 4 gallons of gas in my 1992 F-250 Ford "Plumbers Truck" with a bad transmission and see-through floorboards. Pardon my French, but Fuck That Bull Shit. Perhaps if I were working hourly for a wage around $15 an hour plus overtime pay, with full benefits and a 401K using company tools and vehicles, the job my be doable… but for the amount of shady, lying ass, scum-bag dickheads that I worked with on a daily basis and answered to for my jobs (aka supervisors) and the expenses that I incurred, and personal injury, etc. I said NEVER AGAIN after I lost my EXPENSIVE tool belt and my transmission went out in my truck on the same job in the same day. That was the second truck I'd been through in 6 months, I hadn't even eaten a real meal in weeks, and I got more or less fired from my part time pizza job that I tried to hold onto for daily cash because I could never make it to work on time since my cable jobs always ran over into the night. So for the first time in years, I found myself stuck in a place where I had no job, and no income. I've always been a hustler, working pizza, bartending, odd jobs, web design, computer repair/networking, whatever it takes… but here I was, broke and broken at the same time… I spent a few days trying to recover from this massive blow... I decided that I would sell off the remainder of my cable supplies and attempt to find work within my network of people until I could get stable again. This era of my life was one of great self-discovery and personal growth. I had JUST begun taking yoga classes and reading the first book I'd picked up in Eons called "Transcendental Meditation – The Science of Being and the Art of Living", I was learning about Quantum Physics, Kabbalism, Buddhism, Positive thinking, "The Secret", all these wonderful tools began to surround me in my everyday life. I discovered the peace and joy from loving myself and accepting where I was in the cycles of living… I began to realize my part, my contribution to the world… I began to feel special for the first time in my life, instead of "different". These times were some of the hardest, yet they showed me that I am a survivor, and I am capable of so many wonderful and beautiful things… I had a job briefly with the office building I was working in downtown as a GIS Analyst, it didn't pay great, but it was allowing me to eat and keep gas in my car. I was 2 months behind on rent and 2 car payments behind… I don't even want to TALK about how far behind I was on my house payments for Moms house in Ohio, or the credit card debts I racked up with my Home Depot Credit card during my tenure as a cable guy… About 3 months had passed after my truck broke down, and I sucked up my pride and went back to the pizza shop that I had quit years before to escape the drama from one of my co-workers who was boning the ex-girlfriend who wanted me back. Sigh. After realizing 60 bucks a day isn't going to do it for me, I kept looking. I tried to get back my Papa John's gig, but there weren't any store openings and my car situation was a bit of an issue as well after I had to spend $1000, cashing in my last old savings bond my grandmother bought for me when I was 12. I was EXTREMELY fortunate and grateful for her help and foresight… Things were rough, yet… I managed to stay very upbeat… very hopeful. It's like I knew that things would change soon… things were going to get better. I told myself that everyday, and for the first and perhaps even the only time in my life I every REALLY felt like that. Me and my dude Dustin went out to The Hurricane restaurant one night randomly. We were out Disc Golfing perhaps, or something around the South St Petersburg area and for the first time, I had a table inside on the ground floor. I'd been there many times before over the years, but this particular time, a very outgoing guy approached us and asked us if we knew anyone who needed a job, they were hiring for servers and bartenders. Wow. I've always dreamed of trying my hand at bartending since the CRAZY parties we used to throw out in Tampa and I'd made enough money to pay my cell phone bill AND my rent in ONE NIGHT with purely my tips from our open bar. On my way into my interview, I stopped at the only 5/3rd Bank Branch in Florida that I've ever known exists. I wanted to close out my account that I had opened in Ohio that I used to pay my bills from the house mom left… you know… to come closer to closing that chapter of my life. As I sat in the office waiting for seemingly forever due to my pending interview, I noticed a box that read, "Bolt for a Day" on a pedestal. "Win 4 Tickets To a Tampa Bay Lightning Playoff Game!" was written in capital bold print. Sweet. I went ahead and filled one out. After all, you can't win if you don't play. Or even more well put… You can only win if you play. (Note the difference.) I closed my account, and continued on to my interview just blocks away on the beach of Pass-a-Grille, where I knocked my interview out of the park. After taking a standard drug test they were going to put me on the schedule for training! I worked out a deal to where I could come back to Papa John's as an early day driver 2 weeks later. So I now officially had 3 part time jobs… doing 60 hours a week, I had a great gym open 24 hours I was visiting 2 to 4 times a week, and a love for life that I never knew existed. Each and every day was unfolding before me in a new beautiful pattern, opportunity seemed to fall from the sky and land in my lap. Then a few weeks later, I got a phone call… from the Tampa Bay Lightning. Yea, I won the tickets. -grin- I treated the 3 people that I had always appreciated the most to our AWESOME seats, Uncle Jim, Billy, and Chris, and enjoyed the only home game the Lightning won that Playoff season. The following month, Chris tells me his "date" for his companies Mexico trip can't get her passport due to legal issues… If I could come up with my passport and the money for the flight, I could come with him to the all expenses paid once in a lifetime trip. I was working a lot of crazy hours, and I was taking my time paying Chris back all the back rent I owed him, but he knew that I would be good for it; he just wanted to go with someone cool like myself. -wink- My life had turned completely upside down during all the chaos just a few months earlier, I lost a lover during my insane 90 hour work weeks, then I stabilized to what I thought was a bright career in cable installation… It all deteriorated before my eyes… and I lost my peace… only to find a new. There is more to the story… but it must be told in parts… I just had to tell you of such a yo-yo tale of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. Never think that you can't get up after you fall down, because no matter what, it's on you to BOUNCE.
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