In honor of the celtic new year, Samhain, I have decided to make some resolutions.  What the heck, Halloween is as good of time as any, and to the celts, this WAS the beginning of a new year ;) So why wait til January??  I have discovered I have many things I want to work on so I might as well start sooner rather than later, and who knows?? Maybe these will stick better than the ones everyone makes on January 1st LOL.   First and foremost, I know that if I ever want to get anywhere with my writing, then I have to actually WRITE, this has been a real issue with me lately, I just dont feel like it, even though I know where I want the story to go and I am half finished with this story, I just cant seem to get into it anymore.  So I am going to try to make myself write one page every day, if I write more, great, if I only write ONE page, then that is still one page more than I had the day before!  I still enjoy writing, but it just seems like I cant focus on it right now. 

Secondly (and who doesnt have this goal?? I desperately need to get back in shape and start excercising.  I am trying to find a treadmill so that I can start walking again because I have gained back all the weight I lost and my health seems to have taken a dive for the worse in the meantime!

Third, I need to cut back on the pop intake and start keeping a food diary (this will also help me lose weight, because if I force myself to actually watch what I am eating, then of course I will be more cautious about what I am putting in my mouth. 

Other than that, I have the usual catch up on bills and get some bills paid off and start saving money etc.  Steve and i are working on getting back together and if we can get qualified we will be buying a house.  That is a major dream I have always had and hopefully it will be coming true soon. 

I still have On Eagle's Wings out to a couple of different publishers (Currently Samhain and Resplendence each have partials.) If I dont have any luck with either of THEM then I will look at some other publishers.  I hate the long drawn out process of trying to find an editor and trying to find an agent is harder unless you have an offer!  On that note, one of my dear critique partners and friends finally sold two of her novels (both of which I loved and was fortunate enough to read and do critiques on) I am so happy for her and so excited and cant wait to buy them in the stores!!   Quite a few of my critique partners are making a name for themselves and I am hopeful that someday I will be beside them!!

Well, I guess for now that is all I have to update;)

let me start off by saying that I have started writing again and have finished two chapters YEAH :) Its a start!  Things are still going really good for me, still love the new job and for the most part the new house!  Time seems to be slipping y so quickly, I cant believe it is September already!!

Steve and I are seeing a marriage counselor,  we have gone two times now and it was my decision to see one.  I found myself repeating the phrase "he's really not a bad guy" over and over again.  He's not.  I dont know what is going to happen, we still have a lot of things to work out before I am willing to live together again.  he has come a long way and I have had to do alot of soul searching to really look at the circumstances behind our breakup and realize that mainly I needed this as a personal growth experience.  And I have. 

I have relaxed into my new life and that has really helped me to start writing again, plus the fact that I am working on more of the paranormal elements to the story than the romantic parts right now, helps quite a bit!  I should be writing now but I have frittered away the day trying to do a bit more research into ancient England and the landscape surrounding Stonehenge during approximately 50 BC.  I know that I can take creative liberties since it is a work of fiction, but I would really like to stay true to the history of the area and the lay of the land at that time was so incredibly different then (as was Stonehenge itself!) I would love to be able to bring some of that alive in this story.   Its really interesting to learn about some of that stuff and since I am bouncing between the modern day and life 2000 years ago it is sometimes a challenge to do.  ANYWAY I should get busy and find something to do! 

For those of you reading this who are NOT writers, you are probably going to wonder how anyone can be happy about REJECTION!! BUT for those of you who ARE writers, you will understand my excitement and happiness!! I received a rejection letter from Harlequin books (LUNA) yesterday in the mail(I was really impressed with how quickly they reviewed my submission I must admit!)  Well, Why am I happy about a rejection letter?? BECAUSE it wasnt a run of the mill, form rejection!! It was personal and the lady who wrote me said that my story flowed really well and she enjoyed the characters I had created but that it was too hero centric for their line (Luna is a line that is supposed to be plot driven by powerful female leads, and to be honest, I knew when I sent the story in that my book is more male lead, the story is really my hero's not so much my heroine's (Although there is alot in there about strong females as well)  SO basically she liked my story but it wouldnt fit in their line!! One of the TOP romance publishers in the WORLD liked my story :) I could only be happier if they had published it :)  SO, this honestly gives me great drive to continue with my writing and pick it back up where it has been sitting in the dusty attic of my brain slowly withering away from lack of sunlight and excercise.  I honestly havent felt like writing for months, have been through a major "whats the use" phase in alot of things!  I now plan to get back into it.  I have a story sitting that is 1/3 of the way done and it is time I get back to it and move on with the story I am creating :) 

I really need to work on updating this more than once a month!!  Well to take up where I left off:  I quit my job and am now working at Schlumberger as a dispatcher, I LOVE IT,  I am working with a bunch of smart ass men an that suits me just fine since I am a smart ass by nature.  I sent off my book to several different publishers, and I am hopeful that I will hear something positive from at least one of them, and at the very least I am hoping for some feedback.  I am about to reopen my new one and get to work on it again. 

I am still working on the self esteem issue, that is something I have struggled with my whole life, but you know in the end, even though I get down at times (who doesnt) In the end I am forced to realize what a strong person I really am.  People have told me that for years and I always just kinda laugh it off, but you know, I really and truly am.   For the most part I have an awesome outlook on life though I struggle with doubts and fear once in awhile. 

I have been seperated for almost two months now and things are going pretty good, financially they could be better, but I am taking steps to improve that situation, and the first step was switching jobs!  I get really lonely at times, I kind of miss the whole male companionship thing, though I am not sure I am ready to allow myself the vulnerability to venture into any real kind of a relationship.  For one thing I am not divorced yet, although emotionally, my marriage has been over for awhile.  I am not the type of person to just play games and use anyone, I have never fully been able to seperate the idea that sex and love should be intertwined and connected.  SO that kind of blows the fling an one night stands out of the water.  I dont want that, I really just want someone to hang out with, whether bowling or watching movies or just cuddling on the couch. 

I am rambling!! Well I have alot of stuff to get done today and I really want to work on my new book today (it has been months since I have touched it!!)   I guess that is about all I have to update on for the moment :)

I have gone through alot of self realization in the past few months, some of it good and some of it not so great. I have always been a strong woman, but lately I seem to have forgot that alot.  The stress of the past few months has dragged me down emotionally and physically.  I am a self assured, confident, sexy woman and I have let myself forget that.  I deserve to be happy and treated with respect and love. The emotional stress of the last few months started to turn me into someone that I am not, I am not a brow beaten clingy person and I hate that I acted that way for awhile.  NO matter how much I may love someone or a place or anything else, I am done being taken advantage of.   By being self confident and realizing my own self worth, it is only going to improve my life.  I have taken steps in my personal life to assert that.  I am done letting people walk all over me.  I am looking for a better paying job, one that will apreciate how good a worker I am.   I have started writing again and set goals for myself.   

I am trying to realize who I am and what I truly want, while dealing with the fact that I cant always have what I want, and that the things that I want are not always the best for me, or maybe it is just easier to tell myself that LOL.  ANYWAY, I guess that is all that I have to say :)

Well since few people actually know what is going on in my life besides those I am closest to, here is a brief update on my so called life.  Me and the kids moved into our own apartment last week.  I really like the new place but everyone is still adjusting.  I never wanted to do the whole single mother thing again, mainly because of the financial burden but here I am and other than the stress of things not being settled yet, I guess I am doing okay.  I am very seriously considering getting another job, so I guess thing its a good thing that the kids dad is in the same town so at least he can watch them. I havent wrote a thing in months and not sure if I will pick it back up or not.

Unless I hear something from the publisher, in which case I will let everyone know, as of yet no word from Sourcebooks, either way.

Otherwise I have some serious personal issues going on right now and I dont plan on being on here much let along giving any kinds of updates. 

Those of you who know me the best know that I am a die hard melancholy reminiscent fool.  Even at 32 I have a tendency to dwell on the past (or parts of it) and long for the "good old days"  And it depresses me.  Thanksgiving has always been the big holiday in my family, and yet I haven't spent Thanksgiving with them for probably 6 years.  I resent it and I miss it.  But even if we were to get together, it isnt the same anymore.  Everyone is older, and busy with their own lives and not everyone is able to get along, so we cant get everyone together.  It has become a group of bickering and fighting that I just dont have time for.  But I still miss it.   I miss my family, I miss getting together and laughing and playing games, and you know what, it's true.  You CAN'T go back.    But sometimes i really wish you could.  SO basically Thanksgiving sucked.  I spent it with my in-laws who I do love, but it's not the same thing.  Went to put up our Christmas Tree and get the ornaments out of the basement and found out that when the basement flooded that even though the ornaments and decorations were in a sealed plastic container, there must have been a leak or hole or crack because everything was ruined.  We had to throw away everything.  The ornaments my kids made, some of the ornaments that I have had for over a decade, ones that can not be replaced.  Not to mention the cost of having to replace everything.  I was not amused.  Spent one week sick and then another week with my back and hips so out of place that I have been miserable for two weeks straight.  Finally can walk half way normal and now the power steering has gone out on our car.  SO my mantra has become IT COULD BE WORSE.  And you know what, it could, but it could be better too.    So yeah, my month has sucked so far.  I am just waiting to hear from Deb at Sourcebooks with a rejection, it would round out this awful month pretty well. Or she could make the month better, who knows.  But no word yet, I dont really expect to hear anything until after all the holidays. 

Yes, I am really down today, but on the bright side we are about to go see my beautiful neice who I have not seen for over a year (and one of my very best friends in the world)  SO that is great, I need some family time, some good old fashioned crying because everything has changed so much, etc.) You know when you are  a kid and everyone tells you that these are the best days of your life, and you just sort of laugh and think what an idiot??  Well, I have discovered it is true.  WHen I am being reminiscent, I am not thinking and longing to relive anything that has happened since I turned 17, it is all the stuff that happened before that that I miss.  And only certain things, I mean yeah teen years sucked for the most part but there are some things I would love to relive, and God I really miss the care free days and the time spent with my family at the holidays.  Okay making myself really sad, so I am going to go!!  Hope everyone had a heck of a lot better Thanksgiving than I did!!