Come to find out I didn't have to beware the Ides of March, I had to watch out for the three weeks preceding it. My troubles began with my brand new computer (Dell) burning out a processor. So now it's a paperweight. Those goddam Hindus in Monglodesh who answer customer service and tech calls have not been very supportive in getting me back online. The problem is, I get one set of jackasses telling me I'm getting a new computer. Then a different set of jackasses telling me they're going to send out another tech person to change out parts they changed out before, those parts being the motherboard, RAM and video card. Techs have been out here three times, each visit ends with a Hindu on the phone telling me I'll be getting a new computer. I'm telling you, Pakistan can't bomb those cocksuckers quick enough. So I plug in my old computer... and the hard drive crashes. So I'm having no luck. But fuck all that... I don't want to use my monthly blog update to bitch about computer problems. No, what I want to do right now is review a movie I saw last week called Watchmen. So without further ado, here's my Watchmen review:
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For years now, I’ve been a fan of the Watchmen graphic novel (or comic book book as I like to call them) so I’d been looking forward to the movie adaptation since it was announced Zack Snyder was taking the reigns. It was going to be an interesting trick; taking a superhero story, perhaps one of the most complicated superhero stories ever written, condense it and package it for a mainstream audience. Watchmen writer Alan Moore claimed it was unfilmable. But just ask Boxing Helena’s director, nothing’s unfilmable, just unwatchable.....
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I thought the film was exceptional. But there’s been enough said about Jackie Earle Haley’s stellar performance as Rorshach. Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s eerie channeling of The Comedian. I even liked Matthew Goode’s rendition of Ozymandias. And yes I know his accent came and went, but it’s all in character. Ozymandias being the smartest man in the world, of course, he’s going to put on airs and be pretentious. Hell, I’m only the smartest man in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />....Alabama...., and I like to talk with a French accent sometimes. But what I really want to talk about in this review is Doctor Manhattan’s big blue glowing cock. Or ..Lower Manhattan.. as it’s sometimes referred to.....
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I feel secure enough in my machismo dripping heterosexuality to address the issue of Watchmen’s most prominent member. For those of you not in the know, Jon Osterman was involved in a physics experiment gone away where he was disintegrated in an intrinsic field. When his atoms reassembled he was glowing blue, with godlike powers. And a cock roughly the size of a baby elephant trunk. We know this as the audience because he spends most of the movie buck ass nekkid.....
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Now, I don’t get giggly at nudity in my movies. Too much porn has inured me to the site of full frontal nudity. But Doc Manhattan’s azure anaconda smacks of overkill. Then again, this film was directed by the dude who made 300 where every fucking Spartan had a six pack. Now, call me crazy, but surely to god one of those Spartans blew off the thousand crunches a day. Did Leonidas have the Spartans line up and say… “ok, we’re off to seek a glorious death… Gutticus, you can’t come, you’re looking a little bloated… this ain’t a buffet, This…is… ....SPARTA....!”....
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Zack Snyder carried around the Watchmen comic book book throughout the filming, calling it his bible. Well, if he looks closely at the comic (which judging by his attention to background detail, he did) he would see that Doctor Manhattan is not gifted in the genitals in the book. In fact, his testicles hang lower than his shaft. Somewhere along the line, Snyder had to say… “nope, Doc Manhattan needs a bigger dick. And not just an average size cock…he needs the sort of dick that will strike fear in the hearts of men.”....
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It’s not really a problem, unless you take into account, the new, larger cock totally effects the story. In the movie as well as the comic book book, Nite Owl has a problem getting it up when he’s about to fuck Doctor Manhattan’s ex-girlfriend, The Silk Spectre. Now, in the comic, Nite Owl’s impotence is linked to his need to have his costume to feel like a man. In the movie, you know that he’s sitting there thinking, here I am about to fuck her, and her ex-boyfriend’s cock is three times my size. I’m gonna be lucky if I touch the sides. So he has a hard time getting hard. Of course he redeems himself a little bit later in the movie, but that’s only because Silk Spectre gets nekkid except for a pair of thigh high leather boots which will get a corpse hard.....
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One character’s impotence may not mean much to the general story, but I posit the ending was greatly influenced by the length and girth of Doctor Manhattan’s cinematic cerulean cock. Slight spoiler alert here. If you haven’t seen the movie but intend to do so. The comic book book hits its climax with Ozymandias summoning a giant alien squid whose sonic death cry kills three million people in ....new york..... Granted, alien squid sonic death cries don’t go over well in movies. But in the movie, Ozymandias blows up cities world wide using Doctor Manhattan’s energy signature, pretty much putting all the blame on Doc. Why? Because Doctor Manhattan has a gigantic cock. If I was the smartest man in the world and there was this smug superhero walking around nekkid all the time parading his John Holmesian cock all around, I’d use him as the linchpin of my nefarious schemes as well.....
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What really irks me though, are those fan girls in the internet message boards who say things like… “I didn’t think his dick was that big”. Holy shit! I’d hate to run into these ladies in a dark bedroom. Are they virgins? Are their only conception of dick relegated to porn and Watchmen? A guy like me… A slightly above average guy like me, doesn’t have a chance.....
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So, yeah, in hindsight, I hated the fucking Watchmen. Thank you, Zack Snyder and your team of penile enhancing computer nerds.....
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