A lot has happened this year and most of it has sucked. I got diagnosed with lupus which is progressing. My marriage is over and I will be single again after 10 years. Now I will really be the crazy cat lady...........atleast with cats they love you unconditionally and its safe to love them back

Wow, its been two months since I've logged on here! So if anyone is curious about what I've been doing lately, here is the report...... I'm happy to say that my moods have been stable and I'm productive in life once again. I'm very happy working at the animal shelter. I get to use my veterinary training that I enjoy,to help homeless animals, which is where my heart is.( and always has been.)

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer so far, and if anyone feels like doing a good deed, we always need volunteers at the shelter!

No alcohol, it's been a week now. The headaches and nausea have eased up, I got my appetite back. I didn't ache or feel as tired, but my thoughts start rolling faster, and it's annoying. Things seem quite bland. Day in day out, everything is so predictable. It's like watching some old ass movie, that you don't particularly care for, but there is nothing else on TV.

The last drink I took tasted sour.  Like when you are eating a bowl full of juicy luscious grapes, and then bite into a sour one, unexpectedly. The demons that I suppress with alcohol start to come back. They are sneaky, these demons, they manifest themselves in different ways…………

I believe that each of us have a calling in life. In this life, my calling is cats.

Cats have been a part of my life since I was a baby. Thats me above,circa 1975 with my black kitty Mumbo.(Black cats are still my favorate to this day) When I was a kid we lived near the city,and had about 6 cats  that lived in our basement. Only one cat mumbo, was fixed. The rest were all female and NOT fixed. What a disaster!  All five of those female cats escaped while they were in heat, through the basement window. All five cats popped out kittens two months later. I was only a child, so I thought it was great. I would go play with the cats and kittens every morning. A few kittens we gave away,but the rest stayed and my parents decided to let them go outside. A few dissapeared for good, but the rest hung around and there I was at seven years old with a colony of cats. My dad built them shelter and they got food scraps and cat food. I can remember many hot summer days playing with those cats.

I'm quite annoyed at the uneducated remarks I've been hearing, about my choice of religion. Why does this bother me? It bothers me because people are so fucking close minded and STUPID,and afraid of anything that isn't mainstream. If you are going to bash something, atleast KNOW what the fuck you are talking about.

I've been stuck at the bottom of the pole for months. It seems like an eternity. Every morning I open my eyes and think, are you fucking kidding me? I have to face another day like this? I just want to pull the covers over my head, and wrap myself up in a cocoon of warmth until I emerge as a beautiful butterfly and just fly away.However, the alarm clock rudely buzzes me back to reality   Reality is, that life goes on.....regardless if I don't want it to. I'm still trying to figure out how to live in this reality,instead of just exist.  Most of the time I feel like I'm sitting back and watching life go by,I'm not really living in it.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But there is good news: bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Oh really? Who ever wrote the last part of that needs to be bitch slapped! The only time I'm productive is when I'm manic AND goal driven.(NOT ALL MANIAS MAKE YOU GOAL DRIVEN!) As far as leading a full life? That's a foreign thing to me, and I doubt I'll ever pick up the language.

I've lived for 33 years now. (yikes!)  20 of those years I've lived with being bipolar,15 of those years I had no fucking idea what was wrong with me,(but knew there was something) 4 of those years I knew I was bipolar,but WOULD NOT accept it, the last year I had to embrace it.

A short note...I'm doing okay and I take it one day at a time. On April 24th, I almost ended my life. Thanks to the paramedics that saved me I'm still here.

depression trolls

hide under my bed

they scale the sheets

and jump in my head

they gently part my hair

and rip through my skull

they do it so delicately

i feel nothing at all

one by one

they invade my brain

dancing around until I go insane