President Obama took back his invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend Fourth of July celebrations in Washington, D.C.  To enact poetic justice, he only took back the invitation after allowing them to vote on it.

A newspaper in South Carolina released e-mails between Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentinean Mistress – Maria – where he writes that he loves her tan lines and her erotic beauty.  In another email, his wife asks Elizabeth Edwards, "Remind me again...how much did you get for that book?"

This week, Mark Sanford met with his wife for the first time since admitting his affair.  She thinks someone else wrote his apology, though, because although he admitted to cheating, he said he should still be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club.  But to be fair to the club, she replaced herself with Adam Lambert.

The Oscars, in an attempt to boost television ratings, announced they will now nominate 10 films for Best Picture instead of 5. But to really get people to watch, whenever someone goes over their alloted speech time, they'll get punched by Chris Brown.

Japan released the final footage shot by its satellite right before it crashed into the dark side of the moon.  Well that's what they say it is, but it's actually a close up of that Japanese guy eating hot dogs real fast.

Film critics are saying that two of the robots – Skids and Mudflap – in the new Transformers movie portray urban black stereotypes.  For example, they go faster and have much bigger tailpipes.

Singer George Michael turned 46 Thursday, and he celebrated by blowing out birthday candles.  With him was his date, some guy named Birthday Candles.

A church in Connecticut is under fire for performing an exorcism on a boy to drive out “homosexual demons.”  They said they were only trying to take out a few of the demons to get some professional help in re-decorating the church.

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto on Monday.  Perez should have seen the punch coming.  After all, the band isn't called the "Let's Talk This Out Like Adults Peas". 

A program in North Carolina is paying teenage girls $1 a day to not get pregnant – and to raise money for their education.  Teenagers are excited, because that's like over a thousand bucks a year!

Archaeologists in Germany have discovered a prehistoric flute made from bird bones that is more than 35,000 years old.  What's even more remarkable, they also discovered the fossils of a prehistoric cheerleader ignoring a prehistoric classmate playing a prehistoric tuba.

This week in 1664 - The colony of New Jersey was founded.  Also this week in 1664, the Polo cologne and hairspray industries were saved from collapsing.

Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 –  have filed for divorce.  But to make it fun, they decided to divide up the kids like picking teams in gym class.
St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa won his 2,500th game.  He admitted that he would never have reached that pinnacle if it weren't for his parents. Oh, and the Nationals.

The above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and were submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Michael Vick said he's looking forward to finishing his sentence.  And like most pro athletes, he'll finish it with the phrase "you know what I'm sayin?"

If the NFL re-instates Michael Vick, his new team can expect hordes of protesters.  But since that means people coming to the stadium, Detroit is very interested. 

An 83-year-old Georgia man was sentenced for dealing Mexican pot.  Now we know the real reason why old people want to eat at 3 o'clock. 

Senator Dick Durbin said there's an effective way the U.S. can detain prisoners from Gitmo.  For example, if we put them in Miami, they'll still think they're in Cuba.

President Obama said that the U.S. lost its way in the war on terror.  Most likely because Humvees come equipped with mapquest.

A new study suggests that in a recession, most women splurge as if addicted to shopping.  It's shocking to realize that evidently America has always been in a recession.

Five Alabama police officers were fired for beating a speeding motorist.  They apologized, but only because the man wasn't Jeff Gordon.

The international space station is working on a recycling effort to turn urine into water.  Which means the international space station apparently works for Coors. 

Gymnastic phenom Shawn Johnson won "Dancing With the Stars".  It's the first time a flip-flopper won anything since Nancy Pelosi was named Speaker of the House. 

Republican National Committee head Michael Steele said that the party will no longer apologize for past mistakes.  Because who has that much time, really? 

The NBA awarded the Los Angeles Clippers with the number one draft pick.  It's the most effective plan they have of getting college players to stay in school. 

Red Sox star David Ortiz finally hit a homerun.  It's his first four-bagger this year that didn't involve a trip to Wendy's.

 

Mets slugger Carlos Delgado is out ten weeks after hip surgery.  It was only supposed to be six weeks, but team doctors are also committed to underachievement. 

Want to read a joke-a-day on your Twitter account?  Then follow me at 

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Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.

The World Health Organization said that most people who get the swine flu do not  need drugs.  Very ironic, seeing that most people who get the swine flu went to Mexico. 

The U.S. now leads the world in cases of swine flu.  But the good news is . . . with unemployment where it is, most people won't have to miss work.

Former All-Star pitcher Roger Clemens adamantly denies a new book's claims that he took steroids.  Then, representing the last body part to change size, his nose grew. 

The Illinois Attorney General announced that craigslist will get rid of ads for erotic services.  Opening the door for a brand new enterprise . . . EliotSpitzerslist.

Many students and local bishops at the University of Notre Dame plan to protest President Obama's commencement address this Sunday because of his support of abortion rights and stem-cell research.  Not to mention, he said that watching their football team the last few years has been "inhumane torture". 

Astronaut Mike Massimo, who is aboard the Space Shuttle Atlantis, became the first person to Twitter from space when he sent the message "Launch was awesome!!"  Next week, he plans to become the first person to send a sext message from orbit when he types "Watch out for my space junk!" 

Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul in 1981, says that after his release from prison in January, he would like to convert to Christianity at a baptism ceremony at the Vatican.  The Vatican said that he will of course be welcomed and forgiven, unless Mehmet Ali Aqca is just a crazy nickname for Dan Brown. 

Delaware this week became the fourth state to allow sports betting.  Now making it only 99 times more boring than Vegas. 

A flawless blue diamond sold at auction Tuesday for almost ten million dollars.  It's the most ridiculously expensive diamond in the world not on the field in Yankee Stadium. 

Nicole Kidman walked off the set of a Woody Allen movie.  She said it was an homage to what people do when they watch a Woody Allen movie. 

The Taliban gave an ultimatum to Pakistan officials.  It said, "Resign, or get blown back ten years to the Stone Age."

Dick Cheney said that he'd pick Rush Limbaugh over Colin Powell.  Unfortunately for liberals, he's not talking about hunting partners. 

There are rumors that "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgens may shed her clothes in an upcoming movie.  It's about time Disney made a realistic movie about high school. 

The NFL is considering playing a second game in Europe in 2010.  At least that's what they're telling the Lions in a plan to strand them in Spain. 

Since Lane Kiffin became coach at the University of Tennessee, 11 players have left the team.  It is such a mass exodus, the Vols have nicknamed the football team "math class". 

The New York Mets are on a hot streak.  Which makes sense, because it's not October.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. 

In an effort to raise awareness for breast cancer on Mother's Day, many Major League Baseball players will use pink bats.  And to raise awareness for steroid abuse, they'll use tiny, shriveled balls. 

Quarterback Brett Favre said this week that he may not stay retired.  Because when you think Brett Favre, you think of at least one broken record. 

Two racy lingerie photos of Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean have appeared online, and many of her supporters believe it's all an attempt to scrutinize her opinion of gay marriage.  Others believe it's a really clever ploy to convert Perez Hilton. 

A man in Texas is auctioning off the original recipe for Dr. Pepper, which he found in an old book he bought years ago.  In case you haven't seen it, here it is:  Mr. Pibb + PhD.

A new management team has been put in charge of reviving MySpace, whose popularity has been declining as Facebook's has risen.  Their new slogan: "MySpace.  Now safer than craigslist!"

A man in Georgia is recovering after becoming the first US recipient of a double hand transplant.  Fans of Wolverine called it "life imitating art";  fans of Star Trek called it "a double blind date". 

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday that it is time for a debate on whether to legalize marijuana.  He came to the idea after his buddies finally showed him how much cooler Conan the Barbarian is if you watch it while listening to "Dark Side of the Moon". 

Two people in Alaska will split a jackpot of nearly 284,000 dollars after guessing the exact minute that the ice on the Tanana River would break apart.  Said the winners, "Man, we really need a casino."

President Obama and Vice President Biden on Tuesday had their weekly lunch meeting at a hamburger restaurant in Rosslyn, Virginia.  They got the idea after asking America if they want their national debt super sized. 

Susan Boyle's performance on "Britain's Got Talent" has become the number 5 most watched viral Internet video of all time.  And if it weren't for all those American frat boys getting hit in the groin on camera, she'd be number 1. 

According to a new survey, the French spend more time sleeping than any other country.  Which should come as no surprise because they really love watching soccer.

The New Orleans Saints released two players for exposing themselves to women in a parking lot.  As opposed to the Detroit Lions, who choose to wait until taking the field to show their ass.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

The swine flu is now in Iowa.  Making scientists confident that the disease will now kill itself from boredom.

France officials confirmed that the swine flu is infecting some of its residents.  So they surrendered.

Many suspect that American cases of swine flu originated in Mexico.  So President Obama apologized for creating demand. 

U.S. agents are now asking people who cross the Mexican border if they're experiencing flu symptoms.  Because people crossing the border would never lie, right?

President Obama said that while the swine flu seems ominous, it poses no threat to America.  He believes that so much, he even shook its hand in a photo op.

President Obama recently referred to his first 100 days in office as "fruitful".  So for the next 100 days, Americans will refer to bailouts as "fruit".

Over 50 million retirees can expect a check for $250 from the government.  Suck on that, disappearing nest egg!

Keith Olbermann wants Sean Hannity to undergo water boarding.  Not to prove that it's torture, but just to hear him not talk for ten seconds.

Senator Arlen Specter became a member of the Democratic Party this week.  It was the first major Republican shift since Larry Craig narrowed his wide stance. 

A new report suggests that most Americans live in areas with poor air quality.  Ironically, air quality is now at the same income level as most Americans. 

Janet Napolitano retracted her statement that suggested that extremists could easily recruit returning vets.  She corrected herself, saying, "Let's face it, in these times, even extremists aren't hiring."

There are rumors that Barry Bonds could bat DH in Kansas City.  Kansas City?  Apparently the D in DH now stands for "Desperate".