President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%.  So he invited 52% of America over for a beer.

President Obama told reporters that, while it’s a “clever term,” his meeting with Henry Gates and James Crowley was not a “Beer Summit".  Ironically, however, when referring to how he juggles both healthcare and Iraq, he will describe it as "double fisting".

A Japanese Astronaut aboard the space shuttle Endeavor has been wearing the same pair of experimental, high-tech underwear for the last month.  Good thing for science that he's a bachelor, because soon he'll just turn them inside out and wear them for another month.

Pope Benedict will release an album on November 30 – of him singing and reciting prayers.  Early reviews are in, and they say, "Don't give up your day job for Lent".

MTV will premiere a new documentary tonight called “Paris, Not France” – a never-before-seen look at the life of Paris Hilton.  At the end of the episode, her pet chihuahua is seen begging for Michael Vick's phone number.

Kid Rock said in a Rolling Stone interview that "Twitter is gay", and if he has anything relevant to say he will “squeeze it onto a record somewhere”.  Of course by the time Kid Rock has something relevant to say, Twitter will be allowed to marry.

A new study finds that one third of adults in the U.S. take a nap.  Two-thirds of adults have apparently never watched the Mets.

The Senate Finance Committee is considering a three-cent tax on sodas to combat obesity.  But of course if healthcare reform goes through, it will be completely free to get a Dr. Pepper.

A new study finds that 61.8 million Americans volunteered last year – a million more than in 2007.  Ironically, they only did it because they were bored just standing in line at the unemployment office.

President Obama welcomed the champion Detroit Shock to the White House and said that the WNBA serves as an inspiration for his daughters, Sasha and Malia.  In fact, he wants his girls to spend more time with the WNBA, so the media will be guaranteed to ignore them.

Richard Branson – the billionaire chairman of Virgin – says he hopes to have a spaceship ready in time to take his 92-year-old father and 89-year-old mother into space with him.  He said he's excited about having the only spaceship in orbit going 25 miles per hour with its left turn signal on.  

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has asked security in his gated community to not let in ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson.  They suggested that he lay low and hide somewhere where she knows he would never go, like the Super Bowl.

A product called Vio will soon hit stores in New York as a new carbonated milk designed by Coca-Cola.  Finally, Whitney Houston won't be the only person who laughs so hard that Coke shoots out their nose.

Illinois and Northwestern may play a football game at Wrigley Field.  Because college football has a lot in common with the Cubs.....no playoffs.

The above were either a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute or submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

In an interview on ABC’s “Nightline,” President Obama says that he has gone from praying nightly before bed to praying all the time.  "Ditto", said Mets fans.  

Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall – a religious place where people can leave their prayers – now has its own Twitter page where people can tweet their prayers that will be printed out and taken to the wall.  In a related story, in lieu of Baptisms, Christians will now just ask God to be their Facebook friend.  

A toy company in Japan has invented a device that can translate dogs’ barking into words – by detecting sadness, joy, alertness, neediness, and frustration.  They also made one for cats that detects smugness, smugness, smugness, and apathy.

President Obama’s primetime press conference on Wednesday marked his 10th extended news conference, after just six months in office.  Experts say at this rate, the word "hope" will be completely diluted by August.  

A new study suggests that before babies can talk, they can understand dog’s emotions.  Which is why their first words these days are usually, "Michael Vick's an asshole."

The Cook glacier – one of the largest glaciers in the southern hemisphere – shrunk by 20% in 40 years.  But to be fair, half of that ice was used in drinks for David Hasselhoff.

Mets manager Jerry Manuel's job is reportedly safe.  So he'll be better able to finance his vacation in October.

In a new reality show, Shaquille O'Neal will face off against athletes in sports he doesn't play.  He got the idea after watching the Lions try their hand at football.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of people 65 and older will hit 1.3 billion by the year 2040.  And half of them will be dating Ashton Kutcher.

An animal trainer in New York says she taught her dog to read 250 words by using simple commands.  Now he has a big enough vocabulary to be a city cab driver.

In India’s first mission to the moon, the Chandrayaan-1 has experienced a malfunction to its “vital star sensor”.   So space control called each other for tech support.

Hillary Clinton rejected rumors that she has a smaller role as Secretary of State, telling reporters that she broke her elbow, not her voice box.  In other words, Bill's voodoo doll is broken.

A Starbucks store in Seattle will begin selling wine and beer.  Cups will now be sized "Tall", "Grande", and "Paula Abdul".  

The mayor of Durham, North Carolina has proclaimed Friday July 17 an official day of happiness.  To make sure residents comply, they will not be allowed to look at their IRA statements.

The above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

The Obama administration announced they will distribute his high profile foreign speeches by using text massages, social networking sites and bike messengers.  Basically every reliable mode of delivery available, which is anything besides his pitching arm.

The President's first pitch before the All Star Game was way out of the strike zone and fell just short of home plate.  What's not surprising, however, is that he got a contract offer to pitch for the Mets.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor admitted that her "wise Latina" comment was a bad choice of words.  She explained that she made the comment just after reading the book "How to Choose Your Words" by Joe Biden.

Sotomayor’s two nephews fell asleep during her Supreme Court confirmation hearing on Monday.  But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing.

Sarah Palin said she is open to campaigning for Democrats who share her views on limited government.  Like "only serving half your term" type of limited government.

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he supports same-sex marriage – even though he opposed it during his presidency.  Yeah, I'd say he pretty much ruined his chances of using that "sanctity of marriage" argument.

Jada Pinkett Smith – Will Smith’s wife – said in an interview with “Shape” magazine that she and Will had sex in a limo on the way to the Academy Awards this year.  And don't tell Will, but she said that based on her performance, she should be up for Best Actress, if you know what I mean.

Google had to close one of its offices in India for two days after an employee tested positive for swine flu.  The man originally said he had a head cold, but then the head of Google said, "Did you mean….swine flu?!"

NASA plans to release digitally remastered footage of the moon landing to celebrate its 40th anniversary.  If viewers miss seeing the crusty, cratered surface, they're being told to just watch Larry King in high-def.

A new survey finds that 20% of executives say a single typo on a resume or cover letter could cost a potential employee a job.  Just ask recent college graduate and job seeker "Gary Bocksucker".

Pope Benedict watched the new Harry Potter movie and since it makes clear that good will triumph over evil, he gave it his blessing.  Then, he offered to hear Confession from Bruno.

Oscar Mayer died in Wisconsin last week at the age of 95.  He told people he was 75, but he was full of baloney.

More than 500 people gathered yesterday at a nudist camp in California to set a Guinness record for the world’s largest skinny dip.  Since it was almost 100 degrees, they also set the record for the world's largest weenie roast.

Brett Favre threw passes this week to a high school team.  No word yet on why he was training with the Lions.

The New York Mets manager Jerry Manuel said he used the All Star break to address some of the team's concerns.  He would have addressed all of them, but the break is only three days long.

The above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and were submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Michael Jackson's memorial service was held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  His  lawyers will now try to settle his estate by pressing an "Easy" button.

Sources say that Michael Jackson showed signs of IV drug use.  Sure enough, he had marks on his arm, syringes in his house, and in the past year, he tripled his home run total.

Governor Sarah Palin resigned.  Unfortunately for South Carolinians, Alaska is not accepting nominations to replace her.

Many of Governor Palin's supporters were shocked at her sudden, abrupt decision.  But let's face it...she named her kids "Bristol" and "Willow", so it's not like she's got a knack for thinking things through.

Joe Biden told America that health care reform is coming.  He said you'll know it's here when the government grabs you by the balls but doesn't ask you to cough.

The recession is causing a surge in the number of sperm donors.  In a related story, scientists now say that recessions may cause blindness.

A runway at JFK airport was shut down Wednesday morning after 78 turtles crawled onto the tarmac.  So let's recap:  Geese taking down jets, turtles shutting down runways, pigs spreading the flu...I'm starting to think Old MacDonald is a terrorist. 

A video has surfaced on youtube showing a replica of the Statue of Liberty getting decapitated.  Even more demeaning, it shows a bald eagle taking Rogaine.
(Editor's note:  No level-headed American is going to overreact to that video footage, but if someone posts anything featuring an image of Mohammed, sit back and watch the chaos unfold.  Ridunkulous.  Okay, back to the jokey.)

Some airlines may start selling standing-room tickets.  They got the idea when passengers said, "We don't have to sit here and take this crap!"

Thousands of protesters in Iran were fired on with tear gas.  Well, it was normal gas, but it made them cry because it came with the news that "The Bachelor" was being renewed.

American Joey Chestnut won another hot dog eating championship on July 4th.  So take that and your soccer title, Brazil!

St. Louis is preparing to host the Major League Baseball All-Star Game next week.  In fact, the city gave the Arch a giant asterisk.

Colorado pitcher Jason Marquis scored his 11th victory in a win over the Nationals.  The news was announced the night before when the media heard he was pitching against the Nationals.

82-year-old Detroit Lions Hall of Famer Leo Creekmur passed away.  Too bad, since the Lions were just about to offer him a new contract.

The above sports-related jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute.  Late Night with Jimmy Fallon is currently on hiatus til July 13.

President Obama took back his invitation to Iranian diplomats to attend Fourth of July celebrations in Washington, D.C.  To enact poetic justice, he only took back the invitation after allowing them to vote on it.

A newspaper in South Carolina released e-mails between Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentinean Mistress – Maria – where he writes that he loves her tan lines and her erotic beauty.  In another email, his wife asks Elizabeth Edwards, "Remind me again...how much did you get for that book?"

This week, Mark Sanford met with his wife for the first time since admitting his affair.  She thinks someone else wrote his apology, though, because although he admitted to cheating, he said he should still be voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned from the Belizean Grove – an elite, all-women’s club.  But to be fair to the club, she replaced herself with Adam Lambert.

The Oscars, in an attempt to boost television ratings, announced they will now nominate 10 films for Best Picture instead of 5. But to really get people to watch, whenever someone goes over their alloted speech time, they'll get punched by Chris Brown.

Japan released the final footage shot by its satellite right before it crashed into the dark side of the moon.  Well that's what they say it is, but it's actually a close up of that Japanese guy eating hot dogs real fast.

Film critics are saying that two of the robots – Skids and Mudflap – in the new Transformers movie portray urban black stereotypes.  For example, they go faster and have much bigger tailpipes.

Singer George Michael turned 46 Thursday, and he celebrated by blowing out birthday candles.  With him was his date, some guy named Birthday Candles.

A church in Connecticut is under fire for performing an exorcism on a boy to drive out “homosexual demons.”  They said they were only trying to take out a few of the demons to get some professional help in re-decorating the church.

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager, Polo Molina, for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto on Monday.  Perez should have seen the punch coming.  After all, the band isn't called the "Let's Talk This Out Like Adults Peas". 

A program in North Carolina is paying teenage girls $1 a day to not get pregnant – and to raise money for their education.  Teenagers are excited, because that's like over a thousand bucks a year!

Archaeologists in Germany have discovered a prehistoric flute made from bird bones that is more than 35,000 years old.  What's even more remarkable, they also discovered the fossils of a prehistoric cheerleader ignoring a prehistoric classmate playing a prehistoric tuba.

This week in 1664 - The colony of New Jersey was founded.  Also this week in 1664, the Polo cologne and hairspray industries were saved from collapsing.

Jon and Kate Gosselin – of Jon & Kate Plus 8 –  have filed for divorce.  But to make it fun, they decided to divide up the kids like picking teams in gym class.
St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa won his 2,500th game.  He admitted that he would never have reached that pinnacle if it weren't for his parents. Oh, and the Nationals.

The above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and were submitted to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.