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Kentucky Prophet: The scribble pad of the Gods.

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Kentucky Prophet



Last Updated: 9/28/2009

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Status: Swinger
City: FORDSVILLE
State: Kentucky
Country: US
Signup Date: 7/31/2004

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Blog Archive
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November 3, 2009 - Tuesday 
So it has been a while since I wrote on Myspace, which disappoints the half-dozen or so who are still lurking around here. Just because it's become a run-down strip mall of a place doesn't mean it can't function right? This used to be my playground. It still is.

So what happened over the last few weeks? I hurt my back. That's one. Yeah, it pretty well incapacitated me for a week and only a few days ago did I appear to get over it. I'm much better now, but this happens from time to time. Unfortunately. I hurt myself pretty bad and have to get some bed rest until it blows over.

Worse news, my computer died. Yep, dropped dead. I pushed that son of a gun to it's very end. I got a lot of mileage out of it. I remember what happened like it was just a second ago... I wanted to see Sasha Grey fuck a robot and it stalled then died. Damn Sasha Grey and her fucking a machine. Fucking Machines. All the salacious sex without all the lame sweaty guys over top of the ladies. So that's how my computer died. 

In good news, I was in a video that won 2nd prize at the WKU Two-Day Film Festival. I'm in the first minute of a five-minute video called "Clink" and I composed the two-note theme song for the piece. Which you can see below. Also, to let you know, I shot this the day my back started hurting. This is my level of dedication, folks. I will give my body for the sake of art and cash prizes.


5:56 PM 
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October 17, 2009 - Saturday 



Here's a story that has nothing to do with anything in show business. Sorry if I don't have any good stories about Mama Cass eating grapefruit out of Scooby Doo's ass-crack or anything scintillating. ..

Back around 1989, I was living in a shitty apartment complex in Sherman Oaks, California. Most people did at that time. 4 out of 5 people in America lived in a shitty apartment complex around 1989 in Sherman Oaks, California. Not the same one obviously, because there are so many. But most of us who were alive in 1989 had to live in a shitty prefab apartment complex with a name like "Las Casa de la Habla" or whatnot. ..

I was living alone. I had split up with my chick because I was drinking a lot. For the longest time, I had managed to avoid getting into any deep debauchery. But I wasn't having a good time, I was drinking. Mostly alone. Living in Sherman Oaks, and hating life. ..

Our complex had a gate that led you into a courtyard surrounded by two floors of apartments. You walked in and there were some plants that were tended to a bunch of Mexicans during the day. Landscapers. Or immigrants. Whatever. ..

The apartments were lined with bushes. Occasionally there were parties and people would stay out in the courtyard drinking Coronas and sometimes falling into the bushes. And when I felt like having a drink, I'd go out and mingle for a minute. I'd chat up my neighbors, accept the beers I was given and drink until I crawled back to my pad. I had a lot of fun but I didn't because I was alone. ..

One night, three different apartments had a party the same night. You could walk in and out of any of three apartments and hang out, maybe grab a beer or take something from the snack tray or snort a line of coke as was offered to me by the guys on the second floor in apartment #22. ..

I walked up to #22 and stood around until I saw a small pile of coke on the kitchen counter. And never has there been as much of an oxymoron as "small pile" when it came to cocaine. I walked over to it and stared it like it was the Face of God. I don't know why, I've seen this movie before. I was in a band with Archie Andrews, for crying out loud. Then one of the guidos living in the building stepped to me and spoke...

"Maaaaan, it would be a tremendous honor to serve Jughead a line of coke," he said to me as he proceeded to cut a line for me with (I kid you not) his L.A. County Library card. Then he handed me a straw and announced to the people in the room, "Jughead's gonna snort a rail, ya'll! Party lock a rock stah!" They all whooped like a bunch of hyenas and stood there looking at me with a straw in my hand. ..

You ever see the part in "Annie Hall" where Woody Allen sneezes and blows all the coke away? Well, I did that, except take out "sneezes" and put in "blows it off on purpose and jumps out the window to escape." Yep, Jughead did that, yo. ..

I jumped out the window, thinking my fall would be cushioned by the bushes below. And it was...kinda. Except it was a briar bush and not a regular bush. So I wasn't hurt too bad except for dozens of briars piercing into my flesh. Plus I landed at a bad angle and fractured my wrist. ..

In my drunken state of mind, I thought I'd hit the bush and bolt back to my apartment, lock the door and have a laugh. That was the plan. Step 1: Jump out the window. Step 2: Land in bush. Step 3: Run home unscathed laughing. Everything went to shit in Step 2. And the guys from #22 ran down from their apartment to kick the shit out of me. For about ten minutes.


I crawled away, picked myself up and attempted to clean myself before stumbling back to my pad. Picked up the phone and I called my chick. "You need to come over, babe...no I can't come over there...I'm too fucked up, babe." I wanted the party days to end and get on with my life. I needed my chick.

Specifically, I needed her help getting some of the briars out of my body. 
5:38 AM 
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October 9, 2009 - Friday 
Here's an idea so terrible, but I still love it.


An AC/DC song done in the style of Leonard Cohen. 
A Leonard Cohen song done in the style of AC/DC.


My candidates: "Ride On" (AC/DC) and "Chelsea Hotel No. 2" (Cohen)


Would this not be a fantastic idea? No, of course it wouldn't. It wouldn't sound as good as it does in my head, but I still like it.


Also some new lyrics. I wrote a song called "Radio Markets". Or I wrote a set of lyrics called "Radio Markets". Check 'em out...

“Radio Markets”

Clovis, New Mexico
Hot Springs, Arkansas
Lawton, Oklahoma
Cookeville, Tennessee
Sheboygan, Wisconsin
Beckley, West Virginia
Mason City, Iowa
Bismarck, North Dakota

Elkins - Buckhannon - Weston, West Virginia
Lewiston - Auburn, Maine
Columbus - Starkville - West Point, Mississippi
Augusta - Waterville, Maine

Grand Forks, North Dakota - Minnesota

Mankato - New Ulm - St. Peter, Minnesota
Grand Island - Kearney, Maine
Montpelier - Barre - St. Johnsbury, Vermont
LaSalle - Peru, Illinois

Battle Creek, Michigan
Altoona, Pennsylvania
Jackson, Tennessee
Mason City, Iowa
Monroe, Louisiana
Wichita Falls, Texas
Lima, Ohio
Rapid City, South Dakota

Salina - Manhattan, Kansas
Rocky Mount - Wilson, North Carolina
Medford - Ashford, Oregon
Santa Maria - Lompac, California

Bowling Green, Ky. (market #207)
Oooh...those radio markets.
2:51 AM 
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October 6, 2009 - Tuesday 
Presenting "Veronika", as performed by The Comedian Harmonists, a German singing group of the 1920s and '30s. This is the first song I ever heard from them, and it's fantastic.


English translated lyrics: 
Veronika, the spring is here! The girls sing tra la la. The whole world is bewitched, Veronika; the asparagus are growing! Ah, Veronika, the world is green, so let’s stroll in the woods. Even grandpa says to grandma, "Veronika, spring is here!" A girl laughs, a young man says, "Miss, like it or not, outside it’s spring." The poet Otto Licht sees it as his duty to write this poem, "Veronika, spring is here!" The son and the father are crazy about Veronika; that’s because of the spring. Everyone comes knocking in secrecy. Everyone asks her: "Where and when will it finally be my turn?"
9:01 AM 
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September 28, 2009 - Monday 



Oh, dear. I hope none of ya's took my bets over this weekend. Ooowee. Let's recap briefly.



I had the Titans and Jets combining for under 36 points. I was WRONG. Ooh, was I ever? They combined for 41 points. That was one thumb broken by the Serbs.


Then I had the Bears and Seahawks going under, but ONLY if the Seahawks starting QB couldn't play. He didn't, so I took the under. And they went over 38.5, totaling up 44 points. The Serbs came back over and broke my other thumb and now the drinking bird is handling my space bar duties.





Then I had the Saints and Bills going over 51 points. DENIED. Saints 27-7. The Serbs stuck around after breaking my second thumb and decided to dislocate my left pinky which fortunately I barely use to type with.


I want to thank the Browns and Ravens for going under 38 points (Ravens won 34-3). Also, the Jaguars and Texans for going over whatever their line was. It is because of you that I am not in a ditch somewhere soaking in lye.


This is what happens when I get money. I always find a way to screw it up and end up on the bad end of a Serbian crossbow.


I can't wait for next Sunday. 
2:25 PM 
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September 24, 2009 - Thursday 


Alright, kids. It's Jughead The Greek here with my NFL picks for Week 3! Are you ready to get informed on gamblings? Because here we go! Jughead's gonna make you happy and rich. Call me if you wanna lay down some parlays (you won't win, heh heh).


We are dealing with the over/under on all the Week 3 games, which means we will deal with the line Vegas has set on points estimated to be scored in each contest. For example, the Titans/Jets game has an over/under of 37, which means you would have to pick whether both teams will combine to score 37 points or not. In the event that they score exactly 37 points, this is referred to as a "push" and no one likes that. I keep my vig on pushes, or what the banks would call "processing fees". You don't even have to pick who will win the game! Isn't that exciting? Let's get started!


We'll start with the Titans/Jets game, with an o/u of 37. The game will be in New York, which favors the Jets' top-ranked defense. They have not been lighting it up lately, but squeak out tough wins. I take the under.


The Jaguars will go to Houston to play the Texans with an o/u of 47. If Matt Schaub is starting at QB for the Texans, this is a definite over. They have a high powered offense that put 34 on the Titans last week. Also, they've gone over in three of their last four meetings. Take the over.


Please be smart and take the under on the Ravens/Browns games. AFC North division games are plenty tough, and I don't expect the awful Browns to score enough to go over the 38 1/2 put out by Vegas. Plus, the Ravens scored a lot of points against so-so AFC West teams in the first two weeks. This will be different. Baltimore is 13 1/2 point favorites, so bear that in mind.


As for the Lions/Redskins game, stay the hell away from it. The o/u is 38 1/2 but can any non-degenerate really bet on a Lions game at this point. Doesn't help that the Redskins are an awful, inconsistent offensive team that scored a whopping nine points against the Rams last week. I don't know what's gonna happen here. Let's hope they play to a scoreless tie and then the stadium blows up with both teams inside.


Saints (-6) at Bills, o/u 52. Take the over! Drew Brees sure loves throwing that stupid ball!

Broncos (-1 1/2) at Raiders, o/u 36. Don't bet on this game, these teams are assholes.

Bears (-2 1/2) at Seahawks, o/u 37. If Hasselbeck starts for the Seahawks, flirt with the over, but don't forget to get the under's number in case the over don't put out. 

Other games, fuck 'em. I'm taking them off the board. I'm not accepting action on the Sunday night or Monday games. I've got stuff to do. Little Forsythe, Jr. has me going to a parent-teacher conference on Monday night and Sunday I'll be in bed hung over or hiding from the Russians. Long story.

 




10:11 AM 
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September 23, 2009 - Wednesday 
On July 31st this year, I decided to "retire" from performing as a solo act. My "retirement" lasted a whopping fifty-four days, because I have decided to accept bookings again as Kentucky Prophet. 

Why? For the same reason any performer does these things. For the money. Yeah, the money. The nickels and dimes I get for plying my wares all across this awful territory. I need your nickels and dimes. They keep me solvent at the end of the month when the money runs out. This is where I stand right now. 

So, here we go, what's next? I guess I'll start booking. But I don't want you to think it'll be the same sad Kentucky Prophet show it was for the last year or so I performed. I'm gonna re-integrate elements of my first persona Mr. Neutron and play some classics off the old Yamaha. I have some instrumentals of TVH songs so I might put them on the mp3 player, as well. Why not? Prophet + TVH + Neutron = not the same sad show that people have come to expect and loathe, nor I for that matter. 

You may say I'm needed, but I'd rather think I'm needy. I'm a needy boy and I need to stop borrowing money from my family. I am pathetic and would buy a pistol if I could afford one.
3:47 PM 
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September 21, 2009 - Monday 
Exit To Eden (1994) Nude Scene Guide:

Dana Delany … Lisa Emerson
3 Stars– 0:37:00 – breasts, bush
Synopsis: Dana flashes some seriously furry full-frontal flesh climbing out of the pool so her equally naked assistant can help her into her robe. It's so Skintastic, words can't describe it! (46 seconds)
2 Stars– 0:54:00 – breasts, butt
Synopsis: She lets her nips slip in the bubble bath, then bares that bodacious butt when she stands up. (33 seconds)
2 Stars – 1:28:00 – breasts
Synopsis: One more shot of Dana's left hooter when Mercurio butters it up and sprinkles cinnamon on it. Tasty! (26 seconds)

Seriously. I want Mr. Skin to fuck off and die with his descriptions and ratings of nudity. Can you read that without getting sick to your stomach? I can't and I like naked Dana Delany. You hear me, Mr. Skin. Get fucked. I hope Kathy Bates farts on your head until you die.
5:42 PM 
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September 19, 2009 - Saturday 
So right now I'm listening to some Sabbath. Because it's great! "Children of the Grave"? Yes, please! And I came up with an interesting game of mental jerkoff for those of you music nerds who are into such things.


Many people have been in Black Sabbath. Many different drummers, bassists and singers but only one guitarist (Mr. Iommi). So bearing that in mind, pick your all-star Sabbath lineup, kinda like picking your all-time SNL lineup or all-time Cubs lineup.


Here's the tricky part: you CANNOT name Ozzy, Geezer or Bill Ward. Tony Iommi is a given because he's the only guitarist in the history of the band. You must pick your all-time lineup from the other guys who didn't measure up to the classic Sabbath lineup.


Yes, you may pick Ronnie James Dio.


Singers (in order of entrance into the band): Dave Walker, Ronnie James Dio, Ian Gillan, Glenn Hughes, Tony Martin.


Bassists: Dave Spitz, Bob Daisley, Laurence Cottle, Neil Murray

Drummers: Vinny Appice, Eric Singer, Cozy Powell, Bobby Rondinelli


I only listed band members who actually made it to a recorded album. Some were replaced for the tour for the albums they recorded. Others (like Bev Bevan) only rehearsed with the group and Rob Halford sang three shows with them once. 

MY ALL-STAR SABBATH LINEUP (which doesn't have 3 of the original members)

GUITAR: Tony Iommi. VOCALS: Ronnie James Dio. BASS: Bob Daisley. DRUMS: Vinny Appice.


Wow, I really screwed that up. I started with Black Sabbath and ended up with Dio/Rainbow. This is a lot harder than I thought. I might have to include non-album band members. Let's try again.


TAKE TWO: Iommi. Rob Halford (3 shows between 1992-2004) on Vocals. Bev Bevan (who was in the band for one tour) on Drums. Bob Daisley (who played on one Sabbath album and gave Ozzy solo all the ideas Randy Rhodes didn't give him) on Bass. I can live with that although it looks more like an All-Star Supergroup rather than Black Sabbath.
4:24 AM 
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September 16, 2009 - Wednesday 


You got that right, pardners. Everybody is getting all up in arms about Conway West interrupting Tyler Swift at the MTV Awards, and I say it couldn't be any worse than the time Sasha Barren Cohn put made M&M taste his ass. I tried calling my cable provider after that to get MTV taken off my service. But that's impossible, and my young son Jughead Jake Jr. likes it. You know, when I was a kid, if I wanted to beat off I needed to steal a "Buck" or "Stag" magazine from a country store outside of Riverdale.

?

One time, 16 Magazine had an award show and we went. Reggie and I had a few too many soda pops (yeah right) and walked up on stage while Bobby Sherman was accepting an award for "Most Dreamiest/Most Favest Rave" or something stupid. We were mucking about and pretended to be Sammy Davis and Peter Lawford, except neither of us could dance. Then Barry Williams from "The Brady Bunch" showed up, grabbed Bobby Sherman by the dick and joined me and Reggie in an improvised dance bit. We got thrown out, but since no cameras were rolling, it didn't get reported on and no one was the wiser.


Yaknow, the press used to have a pretty good relationship with celebrities. We gave them puff access and they wouldn't print our dirt. Army Andrews died the other day and he had the scoop about Cesar Romero being a fag but held back because Cesar was just a character actor and much more than that a nice guy (even if lavender as hell). Nowadays you can't be the third banana on some shitty sitcom without Perez Helton or The TMZ blowing it up like it actually matters.


Here are a few bonus questions for the people out there:


Jughead, are you a Mac or a PC guy?


I'm a Mac guy. I've never been politically correct. I couldn't be politically correct if I wanted to. I'd love to be a nice guy and love all the blacks and Jews and messicans but dammit they've let me down time and time again with their basketball playing and their circumcisions and taking over our jobs and not liking white people.


And I run Mac at home and work.


Jughead, do you still play the drums?


Not so much anymore. I keep a pair of drums in the garage, but there is usually a tarp covering them. Don't drum as much. I prefer to strum the old guitar every now and then. I don't write songs, never really did that. I like playing old rock songs like Steve Miller and Joe Walsh. Oh yes. Other than that, my music career is dormant. Sorry, fans.

4:42 AM 
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