Seems like its only been a century since Tyrone Kahn took up podcasting, but he's actually concluded two seasons of the Kahn Man's Comedy Corner.

As the Season 5 (including three seasons streaming on the Live365 network) Finale drops on iTunes, the excitable Kahn Man is already planning new business for his return in September.

For one thing, the Season 6 opener will introduce Tyrone's latest single. Can't tell you the title, but think Beatles parody, following his 2008 mega-hit Let Me Pee.

Podcast: Poddycast
Date: November 20, 2008
Title: Episode 4

If only I'd gotten there sooner. I could have written a little something, promoted Marc's show a bit, and perhaps Poddycast would still be with us.

But the U.K.-based podcast ceased production in January after 21 episodes, and its old domain returned to the soil, yielding only a 404 error.

I used to try to write good content for my site, but that was before I discovered SEO.

SEO, sometimes called Search Engine Optimization, is a magical tool that uses words to trick Google into thinking your Web site is important. As a result, thousands of people visit your site and you get spectacularly rich.

It's just that simple.

Now, regular people like me lack the skills to exploit SEO to best advantage. We must consult Twitter to find SEO specialists, or, as Hyper Nonsense co-host Shawno Gordo calls them, SEO social marketing expert genius douchebags.

Bad spellers welcome

Even without SEO, though, my site has proved quite popular for some very valuable search terms — especially among people who can't spell.

For instance (these are actual search terms visitors used to reach my site), turetzkysyndrome.com is No. 1 among 42.3 million sites on AOL and Google for the phrase Commedy music.

Alas, spell "comedy" correctly and my site drops to No. 6. Still lands me on Page One, though!

Thanks to the rich content in posts such as this one, I'm No. 1 on Google for comedy music podcast and No. 2 for how to write a comedy song and morris the cat 9 lives song lyrics.

The term shit dont stink song delivers a 1-2 punch, and I'm No. 1 for big purple asses, No. 2 for cheesy porn music and No. 5 for fat ass from howard stern.

I'm also tops for Texaco Lunchbox, Dallas Band, referencing the short-lived group featuring me and Brandon Higgins. If we only knew we had a fan, we might never have quit.

Abu Dhabi down with the fat ass

My blog is an international phenomenon as well, placing first among stutterers on Google UK for I, I, I, got a hole in my head and I don't know what to do with it. Google Japan lists me second for I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY HEAD, referencing my popular song of the same name.

Most impressive, though, is the appeal I hold for repressed (I'm presuming, male) Middle Easterners, tormented by the hidden charms beneath those oh-so-sexy burkhas.

Popular search terms include, from Alexandria, Al Iskandariyah, Egypt, Fill My Fat Ass; from Ar Riyad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, fat hairy ass; and from Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, big fat ass woman.

Who would have known? I write one song called My Fat Ass Itches and the world comes calling.

On reflection, I don't need those silly old SEO weasels. In fact, I just might go into business for myself. You want to rank for big fat ass? I'm your douchebag!

turetzkysyndrome.com

"Don't worry about this cough. Jews don't get the Swine Flu. We get the Whine Flu!

"Oh, my, Gawd, is this guy back again? He's hooorrrible!" I mock-kvetched to the sparse Bill's Records audience during my Memorial Day weekend set.

To compound the misery, Bill's booker Becky Hyden has posted a pair of YouTube videos, where you can see me failing miserably in front of nobody.

Believe me, it's better that way.

Becky added some fancy video edits with the help of Windows Moviemaker, though! Titles, cuts, transitions, the whole thing.

Against my better judgment, here's the evidence:

Why Don't You Get A Job

Let Love In

I had just begun bombing during my Saturday set at Bill's Records when Bill Wisener came sprinting back from his post at the front door, waving the Society page of Park Cities People.

"We made the paper! That's me and you!" Bill exclaimed. In Chris McGathey's candid photo from the April 24 edition, I appear to be holding up a happy but exhausted Bill, late on the second day of his 65th birthday celebration.

The bittersweet feature by Society Editor Georgia Fisher could be describing her own business as well. "Despite Industry's Ills, Music Merchant Plays on. Bill's Records owner not quite ready to throw in towel," reads the headline.

To help keep Bill in the game and fill out your collection with a rare LP, CD or piece of music memorabilia, visit Bill's on eBay.

And if you've got an extra quarter, drop it in the box and buy a newspaper. Get 'em while they last!

See peoplenewspapers.com for more Bill's birthday photos.

Steve van Gelder is more than just a double for newsworthy comedian and Howard Stern Show favorite Robert Schimmel.

Separated at birth: Steve van Gelder (l) and Bob Schimmel

In fact, he's a versatile and accomplished talent who's achieved notice as a tasteful Canuck rocker, prize-winning painter and self-hating corporate graphic artist.

Now, Steve is following the lead of other indie musicians who have given up on making money with their art by dumping his entire catalog on the Web via his new site, joefool.com.

A history in music

Steve's oeuvre includes six albums, ranging from 1992's Road Rash (recorded in Steve's native Toronto) to the 2008 Dallas solo production Long Hot Winter.

In between, Steve released three Joe Fool albums, Early Rains (1996), Garden (2000) and Guesthouse (2001) and teamed with Dallas pals Brandon Higgins (of Kicked In The Nuts fame) and Charlie Begue as the Karolinas for Big Record (2004).

Steve's perhaps most notable, however, for his oversized acrylic on wood art work Love Hurts, featuring my own stylized portrait, adorned with an audaciously bleeding heart.

Sample a few SVG tracks here. Then visit joefool.com for a whole lot more.

  Long Hot Winter

  Never Blue

  Velvet

  Train Song

Podcast: Big Phil's Love Parade
Dates: December 28, February 8, 15, March 22, 29, April 5, 19, May 4, 2009
Titles: It Was A Very Good Year, Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown, The Music Show No. 12, The Vast Wasteland, The Music Show No. 13, Betty And Cissie Are My Favorite GGG Girls, Rightwinger Tea Tastes Bitter, Twitter This!
Download the show: Show 166, Show 172, Show 173, Show 178, Show 179, Show 180, Show 182, Show 184

Big Phil's dieting. Identity in question, he's not sure whether he's really Big Phil, Bizarro Phil, Bald Phil (He confesses he's also stopped shaving his head!) or James Brown, the Godfather of Soul.

Which Phil is he today? "The Bizarro Phil, not...the Phil...Big Phil!" he replies triumphantly after some hesitation. Sigh.

Madison Avenue is shaken. Analysts suggest the U.S. $1B Big Phil brand could be up for grabs. Meanwhile, Phil Thompson, host of the popular podcast Big Phil's Love Parade, continues to try on new hats, seeking the best fit for his smooth dome.

Bizarro Phil -- A history

The first fissure appeared during the fall presidential campaign, when the Love Parade introduced a provocative new character named Bizarro Phil.

And just who is Bizarro Phil? He's a contrarian, Big Phil's doppelganger, the voice inside his head, the id to Big Phil's ego.

As the progressive-minded Big Phil launched weekly tirades against Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and other right-wing politicos, Bizarro Phil emphatically denounced purple asses and the Democratic Party.

Bizarro Phil was a disruptive force, undermining Big Phil's authority with the 6,000-plus fans who download the Love Parade podcast each and every month.

For instance, Big Phil took yet another week off -- I mean, presented one of his "famous" music shows -- and Bizarro Phil hosted a music show of his own, revealing that he was "whackin' off right now."

Also Sprach Bizarro Phil

When Barack Obama won the election, Big Phil proudly waved the flag with his own patriotic music mash-up, dubbing inspirational Obama speech snippets ("Yes we can!" blah blah blah) over the rousing Richard Strauss composition Also Sprach Zarathustra.

Bizarro Phil's ironic response? A kazoo orchestra interpretation of the same song, with Bizarro Phil asking the musical question, "I am so gay. How gay?"

Finally, a desperate Big Phil introduced a tip jar to his site and invited listeners to contribute. Only, Big Phil insisted, he would never "beg for money."

Bizarro Phil entertains no such compunction. "I am begging for money, to pay for my abortion," Bizarro Phil declared in a voice mail to Big Phil's hotline.

"Ken is always trying to make me say I'm gay!" Big Phil protests, somehow confusing me with his anarchistic nemesis. But "I myself am not gay," he reassures his audience.

Speak up for cheesy porn music

My interest in the outcome is simple. I've invested heavily in Big Phil and I'd like to see the enterprise continue to prosper. The Search Engine Optimization geniuses now squeezing the life out of Twitter will understand when I explain that Big Phil sends many suckers, I mean visitors, to my own site, where they read the blog, type Jesus Killer in the comment box and depart.

As an example, thanks to Big Phil, my site is No. 3 on Google for the phrase cheesy porn music.

That's how I described Big Phil's closing theme, brother Clay Thompson's Smooth Talker, which I informally retitled Big Johnny Wadd's Smackdown.

And you know what? Cheesy porn music is very popular on Google, along with ass itches and other disreputable phrases that drive traffic my way.

Anyway, if Big Phil cracks up, insiders whisper that network execs are prepared to offer Bizarro Phil a generous package to take over the coveted Sunday night slot. Gotta have a backup plan!

On recent shows, Phil played my songs My Fat Ass Itches, People I Know, True Love, and They Found Me Dead, the latter two performed live at Bill's Records in Dallas.

Big Phil vs. Bizarro Phil

  Big Phil's favorite moments  (4:47).

  Also Sprach Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

  Big Phil is not gay  (2:41).

  Bizarro Phil begs for money  (0:48).