It's been a long time coming, (we all know Cash is a busy man) but everyone's favorite asshole and big-deal maker has his own myspace page! So if you're a hot cougar, a kitten, a mogul or if you just want to be Cash's friend 'cause you're jealous of his awesome life, go to www.myspace.com/cashmcmogulson. If you don't want him in your top 8, then fuck you!

The Life And Times of Cash McMogulson--..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Chapter 6

Cash's Rules of Engagement – Part 2

Copyright 2007 Katherine F. Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized Reproduction Prohibited. Translation – taking legal out or changing the story is illegal. xox

Cash McMogulson III here. Yeah, I know, I know it's been a few months. Why?! Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but summer puts me in a bad mood because it's the end of blazer season. For all you losers not in real estate wearing corporate logo golf shirts and cheap ass suits to work, official blazer season is October to June. Sometimes September, when it's not so goddamn hot! Just so you know.

 I'm not saying I don't look good in other stuff, because I do. I mean wait til you see the pictures of my brother's party. Do you know how rich you have to be to look good in seersucker? And no, I don't think seersucker is just for gay guys and four year olds. Fuck you! By the way, if my arm looks weird, it's because I had to make Mom cut out the DNF with fat arms that was next to me in the picture. Wanna know who it was?

..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />ASHLEY ST. STANDARD.  Yep.  I didn't think it could happen, at least not to someone I went out with, but she's about to lose kitten status. I saw her at Banks' engagement party and I'd say she's put on at least 3 pounds if not 4. I'd rather sell one-bedroom houses with Banks than be in a picture with a fat girl -- even my ex-girlfriend! Speaking of that idiot, Banks still wants to get married. Yeah, I'm serious.  That asshole makes more bad decisions than a cougar on Cuervo. After what happened at the party, I thought the wedding would be off for sure! But, I'm getting ahead of myself – here's the whole story…

So when my dad yelled at me and threatened to sell the Range Rover if I didn't show, I got pissed and called up Parkerton and Davis and told them to meet me at the Loon. I actually haven't seen Jefferson in a while. My dad doesn't like me doing deals with him since he slept with dad's girlfriend.  

The party started at 7, and it was only 5, so we decided we'd have a few Loon drinks and talk about what hot chicks were going to be there. Potential ass is the only reason why guys go to parties anyway. Yeah, I know your boyfriend told you he "wanted to go" with you to that shower. But what he really meant was, he "wanted to go see if there were any chicks hotter than you." There probably were.

Unfortunately for us, this Mary Elizabeth Rich girl my brother is engaged to is NOT hot. And neither are most of her friends. First of all, her boobs are real. Secondly, her fucking thighs are as big as my deals. I bet she only works out 5 times a week. Her mom's big too – like 130!!! and you know that's a bad sign. And, get this, she wants to KEEP WORKING when they get married. I can't even talk about it. Mom's upset too. How's she supposed to get a fat girl with a job into the right clubs??

So we'd had a few, maybe six Loon drinks and I say to Turner, "I can't believe my brothers engaged. And to a fat girl. I mean McMogulsons do two things, they close deals and take down hot cougars. What the hell is he thinking?" And Turner is like, "Cash, dude, what the fuck is your problem tonight! She's not fat, she's not even big!"

Now, no one talks to me that way, unless it's my dad or the lawyer guy who manages my trust fund. So I look at Turner and I'm like, what the fuck do you know about big? I mean we've all seen the deals you've been working on lately.  And those aren't big, and then there's your Range Rover……………oh wait…………SPORT!!!  NOT big either!"

Then he grabbed my seersucker jacket collar and put like three wrinkles in it. I even had to refold my pocket square. That asshole. So all of a sudden, Jefferson, who never says anything anyway looks at his watch and he is like, "Um, Cash, I'd shut up about the Sport if I were you, cause' it's 8:30 – and if we don't get to that party your dad's gonna sell your car and cut you off."

Well, I was pretty drunk – but losing the Rover wasn't an option. So we closed out and headed to my parents house. I was hoping most of Mary's DNP and DNF friends would be gone by the time we got there so I didn't have to talk to them. But somehow, there were still tons of cars in the driveway – or maybe it just looked like that cause I was seeing two of everything. Not that that's always a bad thing – I mean it's double the cougs if you're in the right place!

So we walk in and there are a bunch of flowers and girl shit everywhere and I'm like where the hell is everyone. Then we head into the dining room and I guess when Banks said dinner, I didn't realize he meant fucking sitting-down-in-the-dining room-dinner! I thought he meant like girl party dinner with some salads and shit. AND to make matters worse, my seat was right between Banks and Ashley!!!

So I haven't even sat down for five seconds, and mom gets up and starts taking a bunch of pictures of me and Ashley. Like I said, she freaking loves Ashley 'cause they were in the same sorority. And I didn't even want to be in ONE picture with her, especially with the way she's been looking. So I hear Ashley say, "where is my toast?" and she's looking around and I was just trying to help her out, so I said, "Ash, seriously, I don't think you need toast right now I mean maybe you should try the low carb thing. My mom hasn't had any bread in 15 years and she's a smokin hot cougar!" Evidently that wasn't what she was talking about because she starts crying and runs to the bathroom.

Remember when I said it got a LOT worse from there?

Then Banks starts yelling at me and says, "She meant SPEECH you idiot, not fucking bread!" Like I was supposed to know. And I don't really remember much after that but according to Turner I said, "Look Banks, just because YOU are ok being with someone who's got a huge ass, doesn't mean that I have to be! It's like how you're ok with selling houses and driving a 2 year old car…"

I guess Mary took that wrong, because she started crying and told Banks she couldn't ever be married someone who was biologically related to me. Girls always get upset over nothing!!! So for now, it looks like the weddings off. As soon as Banks starts talking to me again, he's going to thank my ass! I'll let you know what happens – but since no one in my family is calling me back right now, I'm taking Jefferson and Turner to the lakehouse! It's our last big party of the summer – and we are going to blow it out. 5 days until blazer season, so all you cougars and kittens out there, get ready.

CMIII

The Life and Times of Cash McMogulson – Chapter 5 Part 1

Cash's Rules of Engagement

Copyright 2007 Katherine Harper. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited.

It's Cash McMogulson III here. What? Yeah, I know it's been awhile! No, I did not choke on a carrot. I've been busy, so freaking sue me!  Anyway, I just finished up  another day of dominating at the office so I thought I'd check in.

Let's see…what's been happening in my life? Well, I'm not gonna lie, some things have changed. In fact, I've got really big news. As of right now, my cougar hunting days are over. I'm hanging up my pink shirt, putting my blazer in the closet, and selling the Rover. I met the perfect girl. She's not that hot, but she's really nice and smart and she makes me a better person. And all I want is to settle down, get married and be with that one girl forever.

I'm fucking kidding!!!!  My life is unbelievable. Why would I change it? I'm never getting married. Ever. After what happened this past week, you couldn't pay me enough. I mean you could, but it would have to be a LOT of money. But even if I have to when I'm like 35 because that's the only way to get my whole trust fund from my grandmother, the girl would for sure be a smoking hot cougar. Not that it's hard. All you need is a 3 carat ring. You can pretty much marry any chick you want for 3 carats.  As for nice and smart, well, whatever. I mean how smart does a girl have to be to tell the maid what to get from Eatzi's, take my blazers to the dry cleaners and work out?

Anyway, my point is, bottom line, marriage is for idiots.  But that makes perfect sense, because guess who just got engaged? My dumb ass older brother. You've never met him. Probably a good thing. Wait until you hear this...

 Banks has always been a loser. First, his hair is not thick or wavy at all. Second, he's broken every rule in the McMogulson family handbook, and there are only five of them. Rule # 1 – do big deals. How hard is that? Well ok, it's hard, I mean your deals aren't as big as mine, but for Christ's sake, Banks isn't even in Commercial! He's in residential. He sells freaking houses. He has his face on his business card – yeah, I know. And if that's not bad enough, it's a color picture.  Most of the time I pretend I don't even have a brother. My mom says he makes a lot of money, but I don't care if he sells a 10,000 square foot house every goddamn hour, they're still not big deals like dad & I do. You know what I think about 10,000 square feet? I don't. I'm Vice President of McMogulson COMMERICAL Real Estate. I don't see anything on my desk that doesn't have five or six zeros. 

Back to the whole engagement story. It was last weekend and I thought my life couldn't get any better. My Range Rover finally had just come in. It's Buckingham blue, parchment interior. Fuck you! I like blue. Anyway, it's Saturday, and I'm driving around,  looking at some properties –  like Dad says, always be closing -- and Banks calls me on the Treo.

So I'm like "What's up Banks, sold any one-bedrooms today?" I love saying that. It makes me realize how much cooler I am. So he says, "Did Mom tell you the big news?" and I'm like, "Yes you idiot, I know my Range Rover came in, I just picked it up from the dealership and I'm driving it right now, you've got get one it's unbeli-." So then he gets pissed and is like, "Goddamn it Cash, I'm not talking about you or your stupid car. I got engaged last night. I'm getting married in six months and Mom's having a big dinner tonight to celebrate."

Well, I'll tell you this much. my world pretty much stopped when he said "married," so I said the only thing I could think of… "To who?" And he tells me "Mary Elizabeth Rich." I mean, she's okay I guess. She's not a DNF or anything, but her thighs aren't great. Friends with Ashley St. Standard which sucks. But not horrible. But he barely knows her!

And I'm like, "Jesus, Banks, why do you want to marry the girl? I mean, you've only gone out with her a couple of times!" Then he hung up on me. Turns out they've been dating for three years. Ok, so Banks & I aren't close. Whatever. It's hard for guys like me and Parkerton and Davis to hang out with guys who are always doing lame shit like going to church and charity stuff.

So I decide I'm gonna call my dad on his cell phone. I know my Dad. He will never let this wedding happen. And guess where he is? The pool at the W! God. He's my hero. We've got two pools at home and he's still out with the cougars!

Anyway. I'm like, "Dad, can you believe this shit with Banks? What a joke. You're going to make her sign a pre-nup, right?"  By the way just so you know– Rule #4 is Never marry anyone without a pre-nup. So Dad goes, "Cash, I'm at the pool with a friend, we can talk after the dinner tonight." So I tell him I'm not going to dinner, and get this, he says, "You are going to your brother's engagement party or you will make First Vice President over my goddamn body." So I said, "Actually, when you die, I will be President, not First Vice President."  So then he starts screaming and saying he's going to sell the Rover!!!

It was turning out to be the worst day EVER.  I was more depressed than when Bob's caught on fire. But a few hours later, it actually got a LOT worse. Let's just say the dinner was a complete disaster, my Mom's not speaking to me and I'm pretty sure the engagement is off….Maybe I shoudn't have gone to the Loon before…

Anyway, I'll have to tell you the rest later. I'm meeting Davis for dinner at Javier's. What? It's Thursday, and Javier's has the most cougars per square foot of any other restaurant. We're getting mauled tonight!

CM

 III

Cash has been on a two month hiatus - the real reason?  He was in a state of shock when Bob's caught on fire and all the meat was cooked way beyond rare. It was so bad that he spent the night with a DNF he met at a wedding...He'll have to tell you about it. Not pretty.

 Cash Chapter 5 - Coming Next Week. Spread the word.

 K

Hey Cash fans,

It's come to my attention (again) that there are more fake Cash chapters floating around (again). There are only four chapters. They are all on my website. we've all gone through this before. If you get one that's not on the website, send it to Cash. cashmcmogulson@hotmail.com.

You know how much Cash loves doing deals? Well his lawyer loves prosecuting trademark infringements just as much.  

Oh, and watch for the Cash myspace page, with more than you ever wanted to know about everyone's favorite deal making, cougar hunting asshole. AND if you think you know someone who looks like Cash or acts like cash, we are potentially going to have a "Cash"ting call to audition guys to play Cash in a short movie we might shoot. So watch out for more info on that coming soon.

kisses,

Katherine

                                            Cashs Cougar Safari

Its Cash McMogulson III. Ive hunted more cougars, worn more blazers and done more deals in the past two months than you will in your entire goddamn life. Im up at the office with our new idiot associate on a conference call for some medium-sized deal. Im not listening, I had to cause dads pissed. Hes still president. For now. You can add medium-sized deals to the list of things I dont do; its up there with fat chicks, big carrots and 972s. Oh and Ashley St. Standard. I never called her back.

Whereve I been? Wait, you didnt see me last weekend? Thats probably cause while you were at home not closing deals and watching some chick movie with that girl youre going to marry cause she told you she wont sleep with you until youre engaged and shes gained five pounds a year since you met and we all know where thats going but she knows how you like your eggs and b.j.s, I was at the W hotel on a big game cougar safari with my buddies Jefferson Davis and Turner Parkerton. And you arent going to believe what happened to me. I mean NOT going to believe it.

Davis and Parkerton come to pick me up Davis just got the new Range Rover Sport. Hes always been cheap. Sports just another way to say you cant afford the real thing. What, you think I got out-card? Fuck you.

We valet and hop out of the car and its like I own the place. I mean I do own part of the place. I mean my dad just bought one of those places at the W for when his new girlfriend comes in town. So I kind of own it. Hes so great. 65 and he has thicker hair than me. Hes gonna have to buy mom another car when she finds out about this one.

So we walk in past the line. I dont wait in lines. Did you think your yellow Chevy Avalanche and cell phone belt clip were getting in before me? Wrong! And to make things more unfair, I was wearing pink shirt. Im unstoppable in pink. For when chicks cant see your Rolex, a pink shirt is like a big cougar-killing gun. My dad taught me that. So my buddies and I get in the elevator and go up to the Ghostbar with this one pack of cougs, but they were DNPs Do Not Pets. Not all cougs are do-able. Actually, one was a DNF. Do Not Feed. Ever been mauled by a chubby cougar? Me neither. It happened to Parkerton once after his fifth Loon drink. You know that alley behind the Loon? Nevermind, its a long story. Back to the night.

We thought wed kick of the night with a bottle of Ketel. We always get bottles.

No shit, as soon as the bottle hits the table I swear it sends a text to every Louis Vuitton purse in the bar and the kittens and cougs just come running.

Turner and I had almost finished our third drink and some shots and this one pretty smokin girl comes over and starts to hit on Jefferson. She probably hadnt gotten a good enough look at me. But then her friend walks up. Hot. Blonde. Young. Somewhere between kitten and cougar. And says the only words better than "Im not pregnant." And those words are:

"Im in town for the weekend."

So we start talking and Im like, "whats your name?" Youve got to ask girls questions like that so they think youre caring and interested. I was even going to ask her few more when get THIS shit. all of a sudden she says, "My name is Melissa. I like guys in pink. Im staying at my friends boyfriends place, want to go upstairs?" I hadnt even finished my drink! I swear to God. Dad was right. This place is awesome. I look around and Jeffersons already closing on his chick and Im a little buzzed. What! Youd do the same fucking thing. NOT that it would ever happen to you. So were in the elevator going at it and shes already ripped three buttons off my shirt with her cougar claws. Then were back at her friends place. Im not going to go into details, but it was the best 21.4 minutes of her life.

I wake up the next morning with no buttons and fucking terrible hangover. Melinda or whatever her name is passed out on the bed so I pull my jeans on and to the kitchen to get some water. And as if getting clawed by a hot cougar on half a bottle of vodka isnt cool enough, my luck just cant get any better cause the fridge has my favorite kind of Vitamin Water. Its all McMogulsons drink. We buy it by the case at the office. Then I realize theres also our favorite beer, and our favorite vodka and JESUS ---WHERE THE FUCK AM I and WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF MY DAD ON THE FREEZER!!!?!!!??!!!!! Holy shit this is my dads place!

I just hooked up with my Dads new girlfriend.

Turns out I didnt. But Jefferson did! They were both staying there at my dads place. The coug I hooked up with was her best friend! My dad is so pissed at us. Hes buying me a new Range Rover to keep my mouth shut. Im Cash McMogulson. I got the cougar and the Rover. Im not gonna lie, my life is awesome.

Gotta go. Theres a big deal on line 2, Im back on the call.

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This message was sent from the blackberry of

Cash McMogulson III

Vice President

McMogulson Real Estate

Highland Park, Texas

214-214-2142

Hi my dear moguls and cougars,

A lot of you have been wondering when the next chapter of Cash is coming out. The answer is Monday. I've said it. It's public. So now I can't back out. Spread the word! Thanks for your support of Cash and your messages.

Katherine

Chapter 3 "Cash Deserves Better" - part on

Cash McMogulson III here. I'm heading out the door in a second. It's Thursday and we're going to the W to hunt some Dallas' finest cougars in their natural habitat. I'm on the list. I'm always on the list. What, you thought I was staying in? Trust me when I say that's never happened.

You might be wondering where I've been. Yeah I know I havent called you back. I was in Vegas for a while. Bunch of my buddies had a conference up there. ICSC. It's real estate. You weren't invited. You know what I call ICSC? Incredible Coke & Slutty Cougars. Get it? Awesome. So funny. My buddy Turner Parkerton and I thought that up. I just went to blow some money. I don't do retail. Not that I couldn't. What's new? Well another deal went through, and I'm thinking about getting a boat. On my way to the 214 Triple Crown - Car, Boat, Plane. Once you've got a plane, most chicks will give it up on the first date. Most do anyway when you've got think wavy hair and a Zegna blazer. Remember that girl I met? Sara Simpleton? The 469'er? Well I was going to take her out to Tei Tei - on an off-night of course, and shit, it was a fucking nightmare. I almost had to take my blazer off.

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So I met this Sara girl at that party and she was the hottest thing in the room. Like I said before, that other Ashley girl I went out with - total 8-pointer. Sara is a trophy buck. Her ass was hot, even the back of her head was hot. What? Chicks have to look hot from the back. When you've got my seats at the Mavs that's all people see anyway. Have fun watching the game in Row L, and don't try and say hi, they won't let you in my section.

So Tuesday, I decide to call her when I'm on the tollway driving out to Frisco to look at some building...Yeah, I know. There's been a lot of 469 in my life lately. I don't like it either. I don't care if you have 28 Mi Cocinas there, it's not Highland Park. But back to the tollway. That's how you drive in Dallas. 75 is for chicks. I put $1500 dollars on my toll tag a month. I have two of them. One's for the tolls, the other one get's rid of extra change.

So get this shit. Im almost to Beltline and Sara answers and I'm like "Hey, this is Cash McMogulson, you met me the other night." She's like " Cash, that was three weeks ago and can you hold on, I'm at work." And I'm like "Ok, work - like picking out tables & pictures & shit for your house? That's what my mom and sister do. They call it work too." And she says, "No, I work at a law firm. And so I was like "Cool, whose secretary are you?" And then my phone cut out! Must have been the signal. I was way too close to Frisco. It's happened a lot lately. I've got to get a Treo. You can't do good deals if your equipment's sloppy.

Well a few seconds later my Blackberry starts working again so I call her back and she doesn't answer and the voicemail says, this is the office of Sara Simpleton. I didnt know chicks had officesBut then I realized I'd called a girl twice in one day so I hung up.I dont leave messages. I'm not desperate. Especially not with a 469er.

I was about to just say fuck it and play some golf with Davis at the Dallas National, until my phone rings and its Ashley St. Standard! Ashley's like a guaranteed deal, it might not pay much, but you don't have to do much work and you know you're getting paid every time. What! So I answer and I'm like wanna go to Tei Tei tonight - I'll pick you up at 8. She doesnt like Tei Tei, but so what! Its not like shes paying. Girls only eat salads anyway so who cares where you take them. And the good thing about her is that she doesnt really talk, so if I have to watch an away game or something Im not too distracted.

So I go to pick her up at those Post apartments on McKinney. That's where girls live. It's like sorority row but with rent. Not that any of the girls who live their actually pay it. So Im waiting and I'm sitting there emailing Turner and Jefferson. They were going to TABC. I've always got back up plans. I rarely use them. Five minutes go by and I look up and Ashleys just standing outside next to some other black Tahoe waiting for someone to open the door! I mean Fuck! It was an '04! Not even the same body style. And the license plate didnt even say CASH 3. Finally it hit me. I deserve better. Im too smart for her. Im Vice President of McMogulson Real Estate. My dad says Ive got the best hair and the best deals of anyone my age in Dallas. Shes like Addison --- you dont want to deal with her unless I have to. So I drove off

Whatever. Ill call her. Shit its only been two days and its nothing a purse cant fix. That Sara girl was so much hotter and not such a huge idiot. I wonder what she does at that law firm. Gotta go. Davis is here. Ill let you know what happens at the W --- there's no way you're getting in.