Keep in mind that I am almost finished with my Master's degree and I worked at Walt Disney World, home of guest relations, for about 4 years in total.

One day after applying to work in room service at the Hilton, I get this email:

Thank you for your interest in the Temporary Room Service Server position with The Waldorf Astoria Collection at 301 Park Avenue ,New York, NY.

After careful consideration of your application, we regret to inform you that you did not meet the basic qualifications for this specific position.

Please continue to view our openings by visiting our website – www.hiltonfamily.jobs .   If you find a position of interest for which you believe you are qualified, we encourage you to sign in as a returning applicant and complete a new application. 

Again, thank you for your interest in Hilton Hotels Corporation.  We wish you success in your career exploration.

yep, you heard right. I don't meet the BASIC qualifications to carry trays to peoples rooms.

lies that become truth that waste my time can become lies again.

the truth of past motives that changed as needed to change the past.

things that were false but are now real.

displaced emotions that cannot be reassigned accurately.

unrequited puzzles.

or not.

Krys was born in early May of 1994. Today, he died of cancer. In Aug. the vet found a tumor in Krys's abdomen. It's unusua, but since Aug, I've been home three times. Each time I made sure to spend time with my old pal, even if it just meant watching him watch the birds outside. Pets mean a lot to us. We get them, knowing they'll die long before we do, but we care for them and allow ourselves to be attached to them anyway.

I haven't been with my cat in years. I miss him. I always hated leaving him behind, but I knew a life in a big home with a big forest in the backyard was better than a life in a small apartment with alligators in the backyar. I hope he had a lifetime full of adventure playing in the woods behind my parents home. I know I did. It will be strange to go home this year and not see Krys lying under the Christmas tree or attacking the train that circles it. Her are some of the memories I carry forward.

i want to say how i feel, but i can't, or i choose not to. i always think i'm going to be able to blog and express the building tension inside of my body but i start to write and then i think to myself, no wait, i shouldn't say that or that's not quite right. tonight, i've found a way to express all the feelings i can't say.

i miss smiling.

the end.

i've been here before. i'm irritated and suddenly confused because one image keeps popping out at me and i think that's it but no, that can't be right but still i can feel my arm and my fingers and pressure against my body and it feels happy. i don't know what to do with that image.

i look in the mirror and want to smash it and if a piece cut into the flesh of my hand all the better but it won't because i won't actually smash the mirror i'll just dream of it and let its presence still unbroken crawl up my spine and inflate my stomach until i can't stand to be inside my body anymore. the sweat increases just above my upper lip and i know tomorrow i'll step out of the shower and still be dirty. everything is wrong. i know i'm losing control of my thoughts. their bright colors are swirling themselves together and will keep swirling until they're nothing but a pool of blackness and my only resolve is to wrap my arms around my knees, pinning myself against a wall and hold perfectly still to stop myself from achieving any momentum.

what i usually do is go get a haircut. the simple act of the hair on my head thinning making my head less assuming, smaller, lighter and not in the least bit puffy does everything that excerise, therapy and companionship cannot do. i look in the mirror and see my hair dominating body and making me even more monstrous and i know, all the pain in my body is because i'm carrying around all the excess hair. i learned this the first time i got it cut. it was a religious experience, a cleansing. she pulled my long strand of brown hair back tight and i felt the scissors go through each and every hair and knew that i was finally free, i had control over my life. i walked to my car that day and cried. it was beautiful. over the susequent months i cut it again and again and found something even better than freedom as the puff on the top of my head gradually began to disappear, i found confidence. it's no wonder that insecurity makes me tug at my hair as i grip it knowing that if i could just rip it off the insecurity would go with it but instead it stays there and begins to stick out at odd angles.

it's been over 3 months since i cut my hair. 2 months. 2 months. 2 months to go. in 2 months i could lose everything i've gained this year. my optimism is already fading with an unpleasant cynicism and desire to withdraw taking its place.

so the other day i was looking around my room and decided it needed a little bit of dusting. so i go into the bathroom, under the sink, and pull out my can of pledge, return to my room and spray it on a number of surfaces. i then began the process of dusting my room. i dusted my desk, diploma, computer, lamp, speakers, candles, pictures, tv, table top, dvds, dresser and you get the idea. when i finished i went to pick up my can of pledge and return it to the bathroom. as i did, for the first time, i noticed the label and imagine my horror when i realized that the label did not read Pledge. So what was this mystery substance that i had used to dust my entire room?....

Raid. that's right, i dusted my entire room with raid. on the upside, it did get rid of the dust and now i don't have to worry about insects crawling all over my diploma.

which is good because i've had enough of insects for the year. for the second time in a month i have 30 some odd bug bites all over my body. yes i counted. i got these sets of bites at the Rum Bar, a bar with sand just off the intercoastal. it turns out, the bug that bit me is a noseeum, also known as a sand fly. these little buggers create an intense itch that is far worse than any other bite i've ever had. my entire body litterally burns from being covered in these bites. last night after applying a topical treatment for more than an hour with no effect i finally had to resort to using tylenol pm to get some sleep.

the moral of this story? if you're going to the beach at dusk, bring the raid. if you're dusting your room use the pledge.

it you do get bitten by noseeums, and you will know by the multitude of strange itchy marks covering your body, don't bother with anti-itch treatments. just hop in a hot shower and stay there until all the irritation has worked it's way out of your system. the hot water beating down on your itchy skin feels almost as good as having, well just trust me it feels good.

            Happy Syttende Mai! Most of you don't know what that means. It's Norwegian for the 17th of May. Why am I saying happy 17th of May in Norwegian? Because today is the day that Norwegians celebrate their Independence. I bet you didn't know that the proud Vikings ever had to face the tyranny of another country, namely Sweden. You might also be surprised that these proud descendents of Vikings won their Independence not with blood shed but with a simple treaty. So why do I care? Well, I'm part proud Norwegian. I'm also part Swedish but I prefer not to remember that at this time of year. After all a Swede celebrating Syttende Mai is a lot like a Brit celebrating the 4^th of July. I'm technically also part Irish and part French or German depending on who controlled the area I'm from when. But this is all a technicality. I mean, at one point Ireland was attacked and then settled by the Vikings and frankly so was this area of Germany or France.
            So I'm a proud Norwegian. Why proud? After all my ancestors were some of the most vicious settlers of their day, so vicious that we don't call them colonizers or conquerors, but Vikings. They have their own special name. I'm proud of that because my ancestors were sailing the open sea when the British navy belonged to the Romans. Norwegians in general are a proud people. You could say it's in the genetics. After all, we come from a line of intelligent fishermen who could navigate the seas and had a natural confidence for fighting. To have confidence, pride is usually a side effect. Norwegians are genetically pre-disposed at birth to be intelligent, confident and proud.
            They also have a higher than normal tolerance for alcohol. I once did security for a residential complex that housed young international college students from around the world including France and Norway. Everyone knows how proud and sometimes annoying the French are. Well this French girl was sitting on her balcony when a drunken Norwegian girl walked underneath. I witnessed the following conversation (true story);
French girl: (In French, to French friends) Look at that Norwegian slut, stumbling home drunk. They're all drunks.
Norwegian girl: (In English, to French girl) Hey, bitch, I can understand French, why don't you come down here and say that to my face. (And she stumbles to the side a bit). I'll kick all your asses!
French girl: (In English with French accent) You're not worth my time. Stupid drunk whore. I must get up early morning.
Norwegian girl: (Just staring at her) Your English sucks. I can't even understand you. Nobody likes the fucking French.
French girl: (In French, to her friends) Stupid bitch. I'm going inside. I don't want to deal with this.
Norwegian girl: (In French) I told you I understand French. That's right, go inside, be passive. No one wants you in this country anyway. And even my French is better than yours.
            The exchange was over. The French girl went inside and we helped the Norwegian stumble back to her apartment making sure she didn't jump another French girl on her way there. The Norwegians at that complex were always full of pride and spirit. And the girl's not all wrong. In Norway they begin learning English in first grade, by third grade they're usually learning French and in high school they begin on a 4th language. And yet here in America we believe our children would be too overloaded with work if they learned Spanish. Norway has a 100% literacy rate. Their health is amazing and yes, it's genetic. All my Norwegian relatives walked and live a spry life until they were over 90.   My parents took me to Norway when I was younger and we stayed at the home of one of my Great Grandfather's childhood friends. Though he was over 90, he remembered all sorts of stories from when he and my Great Grandfather used to play. He could even walk us to where his farm used to be. At one point he pulled out pictures he had received via mail when my father was born. He and his wife were up and down from their seats constantly being hospitable and making sure we had enough herring and coca-cola in front of us. The man had been a fisherman until just a few years before and in his late life he had even sailed to Florida, first sailing to the Northeast coast of America, following in the footsteps of his Viking ancestors. The winds were high between the cliffs where the docks sat. The sea was always rough. The rocks lined the docks and told the tails of countless ships coming home and would be invaders who now rested beneath them. It was quite the thought, as I struggled to remain standing, that this old man could come down here and manage a small boat as it sailed into those vast waters and my heart swelled with pride because that blood is in me too.
            So today is Syttende Mai. Today I honor my heritage, my ancestors and the country that still remains proud today and has every right to do so.

help shell (to be found on my top friends list) and i write our song. :) this blog will be frequently revised.

some new verses. post some of your own. it's all in fun. make up a scenario, vent a real one, revise a verse.

Verse

I hooked up with this girl, and we hung out a few times.

And then we hooked up again, and all was just fine.

Then I get a message on my phone, she wants to know when I'll be home.

She wants to know where I've been, and will I be her girlfriend.

I get off the phone real quick, she's one of those crazy chicks.

I try to ignore but then she's outside my front door.

There's a new girl in my car and I tell her she's gone way too far.

She begins the ranting and asks if I'm cheating.

 I just slip back, away from this crazy chick,

Time for a new home and a new cell phone.

Damn. Girls Suck.

Verse 1

i was walking down the road when i spotted this girl.

she was lookin kinda sweet with her hair up in curls.

i asked her how her day was and she told me it was fine

but added i'd make it better if i called her that night.

her hand ran up my leg and down into my pocket.

she was reachin for my phone when i felt her breath on mine.

i took as an invite and next thing i know

she slaps me cross the face and breaks my phone.

her ass swayed a little as i watched her walk away

and i had nothing left say but Girls Suck!

Chorus

She's got your heart in a bind

And tells you you're just a waste of her time.

And as you let her have her way,

all you can think of to say is Damn, Girls Suck!

Verse 2

So she does a sudden stop.

Looks over her shoulder n gives a sexy smirk.

oh yeah, baby's coming back.eyes piercing, lips moisten, she whispers in my ear.

'Better believe it'

as she turns to walk away, what more to say; Girls Suck!

Verse 3

Lord have mercy on my soul, I'm losing my self control

Looking at those hips sway, driving me insane

In every single way, I just can't refrain

Running for her shadow, I grip her by those hips

And give her a kiss her that leave her wanting more.

As she tries to catch her breath.

I turn and walk away and with a smile I say; girls suck.

            Someone recently told me; "You can't have your cake and eat it too." That got me wondering. Why not? When has anyone ever passed you a piece of cake and then told you not to eat it. If they actually did this you'd look at them like they had lost their mind. Where did this expression come from? At some point in time was someone handing out cakes that were for looking and not for eating? Consider the following:

Boss: Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'll just cut to the chase. It's time for you to face the music.

Me: I take it the dry run of the new program didn't pan out.

Boss: You've hit the nail on the head. It was close, but no cigar.

Me: You've really put me in a catch 22 here. I mean you told me to push the envelope and I did.

Boss: Don't try to pass the buck. You've been the apple of my eye at this company but fat chance if the board let's this failure slide.

Me: You're the one who told me to do it that way. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Boss: Apparently I can.

            Most people can understand this conversation without giving it a second thought. We use these expressions on a daily basis to express ourselves when nothing else seems sufficient, but the expressions don't actually mean what we use them to mean, I'll show you what I mean. If someone hands you a buck, you're not going to pass it to the person next to you, and if you did, that person certainly wouldn't be upset about it. And when was the last time you pushed an envelope? Pushing an envelope really isn't that hard. It doesn't take any effort or creative thinking, so why do we say we are pushing the envelope whenever we do something extra or innovative? How exactly do you cut to the chase? And if a chance is fat wouldn't that mean that there is a big chance instead of no chance? Why would you want to be an apple of someone's eye? That isn't even physically possible. When you face the music, should you turn towards the speakers? How would you do that if you're also the person playing the music? Since when does getting close have anything to do with cigars? You got close to the Cuban border, but not quite across so no cigar for you. How do you even begin to beat around a bush? I could understand beating the bush, but then that's another kind of expression....Consider some other common ones. Who first sent someone out in search of a red herring? If you only have one shoe, wouldn't it be a good thing if the other shoe dropped?

            Sometimes we go back and invent meanings for our expressions. Everyone's heard that "dead ringer" came from the days when people used to tie a string to a recently buried man's hand and on the surface would be a bell, then if they weren't really dead and woke up they would move their hand, the bell would ring and the guy working the graveyard shift would come over and dig him up. That's great, except actual research reveals that it's not the origin of the expression. Apparently, "dead ringer" came from horses that weren't pedigrees but were marketed that way, that was a ringer. So a dead ringer was a horse that was not a pedigree, but resembled one "dead on." Where dead on came from is another lesson. The origins of these expressions have nothing to do with their current use today. Today we might say "You're a dead ringer for that job," but we certainly don't mean that you're a perfect fake. So when someone went looking for the meaning, they went backwards and invented something in the past that resembled the expression. Kind of like prophecies that are revealed for their true meaning only after an event has passed.

            I don't know how we develop all these expressions, but we will always have them. There are even expressions in old English writing and they make just as little sense as the ones we use today. If anything makes me look forward to getting older it's stuff like this. I can't wait to hear the expressions people use 50 years from now. They'll say "Hey, want to go to a party tonight, I really need to unload the words." And they'll tell me that it comes from the late 90's when people were putting novels up on the internet for electronic purchase. Until then, I think I'm going to go not have some cake, because if I have to choose, I'd rather eat it.

it is 0450 hours on monday april 23rd. i have not left my apartment since 1730 hours on april 20th.

i actually didn't procastinate this assignment as bad as it is going to sound. i began my research two weeks prior to the due date.

Friday 1730 hours: arrive home from work with 7 meaningless articles on science fiction.

Saturday 1400 hours: awoke with the knowledge that i had an sf research paper to write, an american lit essay to complete and general readings and responses for mondays sf class. began work on sf paper.

Sunday 0730 hours: after 17 hours of work, with only minor breaks for myspace, diet coke and consequently the bathroom i finish bullshitting a draft of my sf paper and go to sleep.

Sunday 1430 hours: wake up and begin immediate work on restructuring sf paper.

Sunday 1630 hours: the sf paper is complete. enjoy one of the best showers i've ever had and the first since friday.

Sunday 1700 hours: begin work on american lit essay.

Sunday 2000 hours: decide all 5 pages of the single spaced writing are worthless and resolve to pick a new topic. in the meantime, decide to watch tv and read odd final sf assignment.

Sunday 2330 hours: have long conversation with friend about her refound love and vent building and work distracting frustrations.

Monday 0100 hours: manage to find something to say for a page about the dull sf readings.

Monday 0130 hours: decide that the only story i know enough about to complete an in depth essay on, analyzing every line as my professor likes, is also one the few stories i absolutely hate.

Monday 0445 hours: finish that essay. spring semester and my first graduate semester is completed at this time. i now have a few weeks before my summer session from hell begins.

so that was my weekend for those who keep asking. 

10-23-06

            It could happen tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, you'll have no warning, no knot in the pit of your stomach telling you to worry, but you should be worried. It will change your way of life forever. Remember the Dark Ages, of course you don't. Remember studying the Dark Ages, the time when man lost sight of anything resembling civilization, people forgot how to read, forgot how to build arcs and bridges, people got sick and died. The stench was unbearable. It was in the Dark Ages that the Catholic Church capitalized on the uneducated population forcing concepts not written anywhere but in their own pocket books down the people's plague ridden throats. Such a time will return. We will lose our electricity, our phones, our 24 hours Wal-Marts and McDonalds, it will indeed be a dark time. And it could be tomorrow.

            This is the current popular platform coming from scientists studying geology and weather. There's been no real threat to end civilization since the cold war. We aren't convinced that North Korea's insane leader can create a nuclear bomb that will damage anyone. He seems more likely to blow himself up. Terrorist attacks, while threatening, will not change civilization as we know it, they'll just take out a few buildings and some several thousand people. But there are billions of people, what's a couple thousand. Tragic, but not terrifying. Science has taken all this into consideration and decided to start searching for ways we could all die tomorrow, as if the reality of Global Warming wasn't bad enough.

            I'm talking about Mega Disasters. Regular disasters aren't bad enough, we've lived through them. Mega Disasters will not be forgotten, if we survive, our civilization will have changed and little evidence will be left behind of our prior existence, these things could kill billions. Mega Disasters are environmental effects with technical terms such as Super Volcanoes, Super Tornadoes and Mega Earthquakes. They also include the Meteor Attack. Giant Meteors were the first of these popular Mega Disasters to be used to attempt to induce the fear that the entire world is about to end. The theory is that it's been a long time since the Meteor that killed the dinosaurs hit Earth and that means another one should hit us very soon. Of course a hundred thousand years ago it had still been a long time since that extinction bringing meteor had hit and we still have yet to be hit by another, but it gets more likely with every passing day.

            There's a Super Volcano living beneath Yellowstone Park. It's big, we think. Maybe it's small. But it could be big. It's definitely blown up before and when it did it was big. Unlike the Mega Meteor, this Super Volcano has actually erupted several times and science has placed its eruption at around every 3 million years, or something like that. Guess what? We are now living 3 million years since the last eruption, this means we're due. This is bad, the bad kind of bad. When this thing blows it will rain down fire from the west coast all the way to the Midwest. Nuclear Winter will begin for these areas. The entire world will experience extreme weather for an indefinite amount of time, including tidal waves and earthquakes. The US will go bye, bye. The majority of our population will be dead, as in hundreds of millions. There will be too many people affected for the taxes and donations of the remaining people to be able to help. People will be frantic in the effect areas. Cell phone lines will not work. There will be no way for them to communicate with the rest of the country. They'll be on their own to loot and pillage for survival. Once the Wal-Marts have been emptied people will starve, not even knowing what has happened. They will see the constant darkness above them and think the world is ending. The US will be in ruins. We'll try to take off as refugees to some other place and rebuild there, if we can find any accepting refuges. But most countries probably won't take us. Damn Americans, good riddance. Thanks George Bush, we tried to tell you to talk nice with the other governments. The Christians will defend him and blame the gays. God's wrath for not killing us, they'll say. Let it be a lesson to other countries. Judge thy neighbor.

            Now before the East Coast gets too depressed about their new lives as paupers, we must remember that the East has a volcano ready to erupt as well. It's not a Super Volcano, but it's going to do some super damage. This volcano happens to be sitting on a fault line, which will probably cause an earthquake, which will probably cause a tidal wave, which will probably be so big that it drowns everything east of I-95. The good news here is that I-95 is indestructible. If you don't know, this is an interstate that runs north to south causing traffic to back up in Florida every time it rains in Delaware. So we have two Volcanoes and together they'll pretty much wipe out the US, except Disney World, which will go on forever singing about Small Worlds, until the Baptist terrorists attack, then that'll be gone too.

            But, this is not enough. Sure we're long overdue for the land we live on to swallow us whole, but there are other smaller dangers, like the Earthquake that will take California with it or the Super Tornado. The rational here is that no big city has really been damaged by a tornado so that means the next Super Tornado will hit a big city, probably Houston. The tornado will cause cars to go flying. Fires will rampage through the city. There will be just enough warning to cause chaos. And most importantly, everyone will die.

            So, a Super Volcano is going to wipe out the majority of the United States, a regular Volcano will flood most of what's left and Super Tornadoes will take out the rest. Then once the United States has been thrust into poverty and 3^rd world conditions, California will fall off and the world will be destroyed by a Meteor. This Halloween I think I'm going to dress up as the Environment. It's the most frightening thing out there. Except spiders, spiders are more frightening, but if I dressed up as a spider I'd scare myself.

10-16-06

            Internet advertisements use to be annoying. Logging onto any given page you might get 3 or 4 pop up ads or banner ads that bordered the entire website. This used to be the most aggravating part of navigating the web. But today, advertisements on the internet are no longer annoying, they're rage inspiring. These advertisements have evolved from simply cluttering a page to blocking it, covering the only section of the page that you were interested in looking at. You stare intently, looking into each pixel for the close button. Then just when you think you've found it, you click and a new page opens where they swear your computer is infected and if you simply download their free Adware you'll be safe.

            This was only the first stage of the new evolution of rage inducing advertisements. Today, advertisements speak to you. Sure some of them come with volume control and mute options, if you can find them. Yeah, most of them claim they'll only speak if you roll your mouse bar over them, but as you skillfully navigate the webpage you're on, being certain not to travel near the ad, you find that this is a lie. It only takes one Smiley face yelling "HELLOOO!" right as your boss walks by to get the rage flowing.

            These talking ads are a nightmare. You load a page, you think you're safe, there's only one banner ad and it doesn't appear to want to converse with you. You leave that page up and open a few more pages, searching for the perfect pair of jeans at internet stores. Each page appears safe; then, when you have 4 to 5 pages open it happens.

            "You locked the doors."

 Startled by the dark ominous voice, you look around the room before realizing it's your computer speaking, but you don't see an advertising pop up. Creepy music starts to play. "You shut the windows."

You begin flipping through your pages, trying to find the ad.

            "It was already inside.."

 The sound of a swing creaking in the background plays. Chills run up your spine. You reach for the volume on the speakers and turn it off. Just then your computer decides to expand the ad and blood begins to drip down the inside of the screen. A demon's face flashes just as you finally get your mouse to the X button. But this scary movie advertisement isn't the worst kind.

            Many of us use web pages to listen to streaming music or watch videos online, but voice ads don't seem to care if you're at a webpage to listen to something. They just keep talking anyway. So you're trying to listen to a new comedy sketch, that took 5 minutes to load, and your computer begins asking questions over the sketch. "Do you have trouble performing like you used to? Don't be embarrassed. Many men over the age of 45 of benefited from our product. Ask your doctor about Viagra today."

            You may think you've won the war if you keep your computer on a permanent mute, think again. The newest wave in advertising has been the recent trend to trick the viewer/listener into believing that the ad is not an ad. Today on the internet, especially on Myspace, ads mock you with challenges. "Can you get Grandma across the road?" You think, yeah, of course I can, and you do, only to be taken to a new page where they're offering a free ring tone if you'll provide them with your credit card number. These game ads are very hard to resist. Sure you try, but there are only so many times that you can watch the screen flash "YOU LOSE," before you give in and play the game.

            The radio is getting into the act too. They try to make you believe the DJ has come back on and is talking about some new topic.

            "I don't know about you, but I just hate it when I go out to the beach and there's some way to skinny woman with smooth legs sitting at on a towel, eating a gigantic piece of chocolate cake."

Then the ad part kicks in.

            "If you're like me and are sick of watching other people eat cake and appear hair free you'll want to check out Laser Hair Removal and Liposuction. These innovative new doctors have come up with a pain free way to get rid of that excess hair and fat. Who has time to shave or work out? I know I don't. That's why I went to Laser Hair Removal and Liposuction and got my free assessment. You should go today."

            We won't even get started on what's wrong with these "beauty enhancement" commercials.

            Still, we can't be too hard on the advertising companies. They do their best. Do you fault the lion for killing the gazelle? No, because that what lions do. Advertisers are the ones who pay the bulk of the expenses for television, radio, websites and movies. Without them we would have to pay for every station we watched individually, even the news stations. We owe them a lot. They're part of the reason we can have a free Myspace or email account. And how do we thank them, we change the channel, we fast forward, we close the pop up, we mute our speakers and we show up late to the movies. So as rage inspiring as these new internet ads maybe, remember we only have ourselves to blame.