Obama & Cuba Sitting in a Tree...

Well it looks like the world we know is coming to an end and it’s all because Barack “Che” Obama is trying to take away my right to not get cancer via premium cigars - or as Karl Marx referred to it: The Redistribution of Health.

Even though Obama paled around with terrorists, wants to raise taxes and take guns away; I still didn’t think things would get this bad this quickly. (I hoped it would take longer) I can’t believe the public is letting a secret Muslim Communist pull the red burka of fascism over our eyes. As first reported by someone, the Obama administration is having open talks with our closest Communist neighbour; Cuba – aka – Castroville…Castrotucky….Che-town….or as Eminem would have it known: C-twizzy.

Well I see no reason to play ball with people that want to play ball.

Castro: “Mr. President: Tear down the Green-Monster”

Ending a so called “failed policy” after only 47 years is just Democrat code for surrender. By “talking”, doesn’t Obama realise we will, by default, officially lose the Bay of Pigs Invasion? And right when we’re so close to winning!! Imagine what that does to the moral of those still fighting the Cold War.

Now of course Obama claims to be pressing for human rights and freedom of the press, but this is a circular argument. If the press isn’t free, who’s blabbing about human rights down there? And there are not human rights violations because we already know the Guantanamo Bay guests are simply being introduced to enhanced interrogation techniques. (Don’t ask, don’t tell)

What, are you bored?

Might I also point out the irony that Obama says he’s concerned about the press and at the same time he's using a bottle of White-Out on the Second Amendment to the Constitution. Can you imagine what this will do to ‘Gun’s &  Ammo’ magazine? They’ll be limited to covering just Ammo – here’s a preview:

“….and this is a bullet. And here is another bullet only slightly bigger…”

“And here we have 7.62 NATO rounds”

“Here are more NATO rounds but with different colors painted on top”

“And more…and more….Oh man this is so boring. Would someone just shoot me….oh wait, we don’t have guns…”

I miss the good old days following WWII. That was the pinnacle of US diplomacy, when we had a solid fear of the Russians, Cubans, China, Korea, Vietnam and pretty much any other country that had a star on their flag (note: flags containing 50 stars are fine). If this thing with Cuba goes through we’ll only be left with North Korea to hate…and their not even a whole country!

Whatever happened to a massive arms race which bankrupts countries and destabilizes the world? These days we’re trying to be buddies with the Russians, I’m embarrassed to say I can’t think of a bad thing to say about Vietnam, and China basically owns the US treasury (your sweat-shop tax dollars hard at work). If you think I’m exaggerating, just watch for the new money China has proposed for the new world currency. Hint: it’s called the Red-Back and it isn’t a spider.

Oh how I long for a different world - one where our children could grow up with a healthy fear of anything Non-American. How I wish for a life where the US Government would defend us from the evils we know are evil because they told us so. A perfect nation where true patriots were able to go on FOX News and declare Americans must take back America (from Americans….)

The scariest thing about Obama is he’s trying to take away everything I’m afraid of. He’s removing my Kevlar security blanket of distrust and telling me not to worry. Don’t worry?? I have plenty to worry about sir! Without hate, what will Americans be left with?

Prosperity and peace?

No thanks, I’d rather have my guns.

Highlights from the News

Last night I made a mixed drink that was a bit too much for me to handle. This epic mixie caused my bed time to be rescheduled to 8pm. Which, in a cause and effect sort of way, saw me waking up at 2:30 am.

Turns out there isn’t a lot of excitement at that early hour, so I’ve spent nearly 4 hours surfing the web and listening to the US news.

So save everyone time, here is all of the recent national and international news you need to know:

1.       Obama got a puppy. OH MY GOD!! IT’S SOOOOOoooOo...what's the opposite of 'cute'?

2.       Captain Richard Phillips was rescued from the Somali pirates. If they video taped the rescue I bet it’s rated ARrrrgghhhhh!

3.       Republicans don’t like taxes and are fighting the man.

4.       GM is on the verge of going bankrupt. You know what would help stop it from happening? If everyone sold their GM stock all at once.

5.       Thailand is (still) imploding

6.       Cuba is trying to get it’s hands on TARP funding. Also Cuban-Americans are able to travel to Cuba, and not the other way around. This travel decision is being criticized by Air-Cuba who has already promised Cubans great deals on one-way tickets to the US.

7.       Three Somali radicals took credit for something nobody even realised had happened. That’s right…they fired 3 mortar shells at a plane carrying a US Senator. Imagine trying to shoot an arrow almost straight up into the air and hoping it lands directly on top of a running deer. That’s essentially what these guys tried to do...and then announced their failure as an achievement. Well done guys!

WOO! The sun is up!

I Don’t Want to be Like Mike

This past Monday-ish (Time Zones + Global Daylight Savings = Confusion) a dude named Michael Hussein Jordan was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. I’m not sure ‘Hussein’ is really his middle name but apparently if you’re looking to defame a black man, the “Right” thing to do is attempt to negatively associate him with something your ignorant target audience will be concerned about..

Oh wait! Even better...

Michael I-Kill-Kittens-and-Slam-Dunk-Their-Corpses-Hussein Jordan. WOW! I bet that’s why he hasn’t released his birth certificate. I question if he was even legally allowed to play in the NBA.


Conclusion?

I liked Jordan, even if he is a kitten hating terrorist. He always looked super hot in short-shorts and was the first African-American sports star to have a totally nerdy looking kid.


Jordan allegedly fathered an illegitimate white child named Karl Rove.

MJ was also the first bald guy to still be considered cool and even had a country named after him. (Further supporting the Hussein link)

 
King Hussein of Jordan: Retired February 7^th , 1999.

So anyway, there is a guy at work who believes Jordan is the greatest thing since HyperColor clothing.

 
Doo-doo-doo-doo….doo-dooo….Please Touch This...

I always wanted a HyperColor shirt but my mother insisted it would be a waste of money because even a super-awesome color changing shirt would not persuade others to touch me. I promised to touch myself and was immediately sucker-punched in the kidney by my darling female parental unit.

Getting back to the topic...

I acknowledge Jordan was and is the most iconic bald dude ever, but I never boarded the hyped-up Jordan bandwagon. Maybe it’s because I don’t know what a bandwagon looks like and didn’t notice it go by, or possibly because I come from Detroit and Jordan’s Bulls whooped my team year after year in the early & mid 90’s. Either way, I spent 10 minutes explaining to my co-worker that LeBron James is, in my opinion, the best player and while Jordan was good during his time, the game has changed and today’s level of play is much higher. I supported my stance by pointing out my opinions are really facts and can not be countered.


LeBron  I-Hug-Kittens   James

My co-worker didn’t agree with me, so I told him he was stupid and his girlfriend used to be a man.

Slam-Dunk and Check Mate, mate.   

Obama’s Voice Heard In Space

Yesterday President Barack Obama spoke via bat phone to a group of Earth haters.



He asked such riveting questions as “Do you guys still drink Tang up there?” and joked “I thought there was no h-air in space?” a clear reference to the half-Wookie’s finger-in-a-light-socket hair dew.



Later it was revealed the frizzy haired Star-Hugger was not allowed to bring more than 1 oz of hair-spray in her carry-on luggage.

Obama questioned the crew about the $100 billion being used to finance the space station expansion project, which will make room for an additional 3 space-kateers.. “With millions of Americans out of work and housing prices falling across the country, I have to ask – do you work for AIG?”

Following with a quick laugh and snort, Obama continued...

“No, no but seriously what’s it like living in the only house going up in value?” after a short pause, he delivered the punch line “Would you say….it’s out of this world?”.



This joke was received with a resounding groan of pain, to which Obama replied “I know, it’s like my jokes should be in the Special Olympics, right?”

The Day I Got Old

In recent centuries it’s become apparent that I’m getting old.

To shed light on this observation, let me present unto you a recent story:

***uhh-huhh-hummm*** (clears throat)

A few days ago, I was at the supermarket.

I approached the check-out.

Placed my groceries upon the conveyer belt of purchasing doom, and said hello to the short, young girl behind the register.

A few minutes into the chit &/or chat, she said she was tired due to attending a concert last night. She had observed the live on-stage performance of a group she referred to as “The Fall Out Boys”.

I tried to relive my glory days and told her that while she may be tired now, there is nothing like a concert and she should not be deterred by this experience.

“Are you going to a concert soon?” she asked.

“Yeah….” I responded with hesitation in my voice “I’m going to see Cesar Milan in June”

“Who?” she asked with confusion written on her face.

“He’s from a show called ‘The Dog Whisperer’” I answered.

She paused……”the TV show with the guy that helps people with crazy dogs?”

After a sigh I confirmed her statement “Yup……”

It was at that point I realised I’ve gone from a cool young dude, to a guy that has lost touch with today’s youth.

But can you blame me?? Their hair styles are crazy!

Damn whipper snappers!!!!

Super Manly-Man

I’m just going to cut to the cheese – being a dude is super awesome. These days Manly Man-kind is virtually an endangered sub-species being overtaken by all these fruitcakes with their wacky hair cuts,  silly fashion and metro crap. It’s becoming harder and harder to spot fellow Real Dudes…. I’m talking about the kinda guys that other blokes can relate to, maybe look up to, have a beer with, or perhaps get drunk and then go outside and have a Kung-Fu fight in 2 feet of snow whilst wearing shorts.

That’s manly…

So this blog is dedicated to the Manly Men out there….or should I say “This Blog’s For You”

He Needs Food

·    A real man loves food but doesn’t know how to cook. If a guy wants a day off work, all he needs to do make dinner for himself the night before. Although the boss might catch on if he’s absent every Monday and Friday.

·    When he attempts to cook he will most likely burn (or lightly char) whatever it is he’s making, then classify the meal ‘Cajun’. (Cajun scrambled eggs are my specialty)

·    When a man eats there is always meat involved. The more raw, the more manly – and that chunk of flesh is either on bread, in a can, delivery, or prepared by someone who knows the difference between a Teaspoon and Tablespoon. I honestly don’t know which one is bigger – and if you’re a man – neither do you.

·    He knows they’re called ‘Combos’ because they combine convenience with nutrition.

·    Microwave burritos should be purchased based on how long they take to cook.

He’s Intelligent

·    He’s never had tea but knows coffee is better.

·    He has no need to plan ahead, bring a map or ask for directions because his definition of “on-time” is arriving before 50% of the people have left or the doors have been locked.

·    He doesn’t own an umbrella, listen to A.M. radio, or read a newspaper, but does have an impressive collection of Baseball Hats and a pair of shoes specifically designated for mowing the lawn.

·    He can justify the need to have a electric drill that can punch through 1” thick titanium with its diamond tipped carbon fibre bit.

·    He knows tanks are awesome and soccer is not.

·    He knows any guy that’s better looking than him is probably gay.

·    He thought Clay Aiken was a girl with short hair.

·    He knows drinking responsibly means you finish your beer.

·    He has no need for instructions which has led to a drawer filled with an assortment of random left over parts he deemed unnecessary during construction of that swing-set, computer desk, or IKEA furniture.

·    If he had a Genie in a bottle, he’d use his first wish to get infinite wishes.

·    He has the ability to fit a swear word into almost any sentence and context.

·    He can name at least 10 movies starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and still misses smelling what the Rock was cooking.

·    He knows the best way to kill a zombie, the other ways to skin a cat, and can change a tire in rain, sleet or snow.

·    He knows he doesn’t snore because if he did it would wake him up.

He Knows Love and Friendship

·    He’s prank called his friends, drunk dialled an ex, and call tell if a telemarketer is hot by the sound of her voice.

·    He felt guilty when his dog was neutered.

·    He knows he is always right and that his significant other is simply more right.

·    He knows the engine size of every car he’s ever owned, the screen size of all TVs in his house and Tom Cruise’s call sign in ‘Top Gun’.

·    He knows the color of his dogs eyes but struggles to answer the question if you ask about his best friend or wife/girlfriend’s eyes. And even if he did know the color of his best friends eyes he would never admit it.

·    He told his wife he would take a bullet for her and has a Life Insurance policy that covers suicide.

He’s Rugged and Tough

·    He ‘used to’ be the best a something, and lets everyone know about his glory days.

·    He’s hurt his hand or wrist at least one time by punching something he shouldn’t have.

·    He knows how to use a chainsaw, power drill and can pour a perfect beer when nobody is around to see it.

·    He will never admit a wound hurts, no matter how much it bleeds or which way the bone is facing.

·    He is never scared and was just playing along that time….

·    He doesn’t cry and it is simply coincidence he’s gotten something in both of his eyes at the same time during this scene in Old Yeller again.

·    He defines manners as leaving the room before he farts.

·    He doesn’t wear “out fits”, use “product” in his hair or even consider how his butt looks in the only pair of jeans he owns. (Stone-wash is coming back)

He Loves Sports

·    He doesn’t have to go to the gym to know how much he can bench-press – and believe me, it’s a lot.

·    He’s seen enough Kung-Fu movies to be a qualified Black Belt.

·    He has an old sports related injury that prevented him from going Pro.

·    He knows his local sports team only loses because the referees are always biased against them.

·    He knows next year will be his Football teams Super-Bowl run. Unless he’s from Detroit – we’re just looking to win a game. (0-16! We are the Biggest Losers!)

Lowering Expectations for Love

As I get older, I’ve discovered I’m not as picky as I once was with girls. This may be due to decreased self-confidence, maybe it’s because women have taken an evolutionary leap forward and aren’t as nuts as they were 10 years ago, or maybe I’m just getting old and subconsciously lowering my standards in order to find the 3rd love of my life. (I’ve already discovered both me and tacos)

Actually “lowering” my standards sounds bad. Let’s call it “altering”my pre-defined requirements.

I’ll give you an example: Imagine if you will that you were looking to buy a new car. We’ll assume your imagination can get credit approval.You go to a dealership and ask for a specific model with a list of options you want. Unfortunately the dealership doesn’t have your ideal car in stock and can’t say when they’ll be able to due to the high demand of that model. So obviously this car is not a Ford, GM or Chrysler. Anyway the salesman/saleswoman/salestranny shows you similar versions immediately available.

So what do you do?

You don’t want to settle, but then again you really don’t want to wait much longer. So you start negotiating with yourself ‘Do I really need the extra options? I don’t mind blue paint; I would just prefer it in red. Leather seats would be nice, but then again they get very hot in summer and cold in winter….I guess cloth will be fine’. It’s not settling – you’re just altering your requirements.

After a few years in the driveway, with the paint faded and a good number of miles on the engine, you will have long forgotten it was a car you “settled” for.

I think that’s where I’m at.

For years I’ve been holding out for Angelina Jolie, but she and Braddy-boy seem fairly serious - especially now that she’s married and has more kids than an Asian Nike Factory.

I can’t help but wonder why she settled for Brad Pitt. If she wanted happiness, all she had to do was open her front door. I was there, every day, standing in her driveway, just outside the gate holding a sign that read “Alter Your Expectations & Marry Me!”  

I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait before she sees the light and comes to my loving arms. I’m thinking it might be time to move on. Maybe I’ll just give her another 5-10 years but if she hasn't gotten her act together by then, I'll have no choice but to 'settle' for someone who isn't Angelina Jolie.

Poor Ang, I can't help but pity her; she may never know the love she never wanted.

My Best Idea Ever, for Today

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a memory. But I’m often troubled by things that never happened to me and that I saw in movies.

·        I have never fought alongside Davey Crocket at the Alamo

·        I have never, individually or together in any combination, swam with dolphins, sharks, or Pamela Anderson

·        I have never eluded a Tyrannosaurus Rex or made a get-away from one in a Jeep

I think part of the reason these things don’t happen to me is because I don’t like danger. And I also am afraid of getting a tan, which is why I stay inside and pimp ho’s on the internet & X-Box Live.

Did you know that T-Rex was only supposed to be able to run about 25 mph? Sounds slow, but it’s way faster than I can run while crying and possibly wetting my pants. So if I ever get chased by a running shark, I hope I’m conveniently driving either a Ferrari or a tank. Actually, no matter the situation, I would like to be in a Ferrari…..or tank…..

OOooh! I have an idea that Mr. Enzo never considered. Presenting the first Italian tank that doesn’t suck!

New Concept Car: The Ferrari M1A2....

I don’t know if I can write a blog anymore. I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it. All I can think about is driving a tank around shooting at a T-Rex. THAT needs to be in a movie….and if anyone says Godzilla did it; No, because in MY movie, the tank also has racing stripes, flames painted on, and wins the fight.

I always think if I could go back in time, I’d go back to the Roman Empire and bring a machine gun. I’d win every battle, as long as I have ammo. I would also set the rules of battle to give me at least 3 Time-Outs, and maybe a half-time lunch break. I mean you can’t expect me to fight effectively on an empty stomach. I want battle to be fun, and not eating is not my idea of a good time.

AWAY!!

What’s More Important Than Voting?....

Today is Election Day in America – or so I’m told by every news channel, every paper, every magazine, every web page and everybody I talk to.

What amazes’ me (besides bright lights &/or tube socks) are the other big stories which aren’t receiving their deserved news coverage due to this Presidential hullaballoo. For instance – the war in Iraq is still going on, I am yet to hear about how Brad and Angelina are doing in the last 48 hours (omg aren’t they sOooOoo perfect for each other!!). There have been approximately zero (+/- 100% margin of error) ‘Breaking Stories’ effectively covering the fact I just got a German Shepherd Dog from the RSPCA yesterday.

Hogan - The dog who won't touch the toys I bought him...

Even more importantly – big, big news out of Detroit,Michigan: The Detroit Pistons got Allen Iverson and the Detroit Lions got Dante Culpepper!!! Oh, and General Motors auto sales in the US dropped 45% in Oct….something to do with a supposed ‘credit crunch’. Not sure what that’s about and doesn’t sound too important – so back to the big stories...

A.I.!!!

D.C.!!!

Now I do see a problem with the trade for Allen Iverson - we lose Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess….And I’m sad to see Chauncey go – he was good for Detroit and Detroit was good for him. Antonio’s career was virtually over before Joe Dumars brought him on board, and he was a nice fit for the team,great 6th man off the bench, and took over a big part of the starting role after Ben Wallace ditched us for greener pastures. But the issue I have with this whole thing is that I have a Billups jersey that is now officially out of date….and there is nothing worse than seeing a person wearing a jersey with a player that isn’t on the team anymore.

The silver lining is I do have a LeBron James jersey as well….so in 2 years when his contract expires and James leaves Cleveland, I’m hoping the Pistons can lure him over the border. That way I can combine my 2 jerseys into one Detroit Pistons/LeBron James super jersey…it will be the Voltron of Basketball jerseys.

Now before anyone gets too bored with my blog about sports,Dante Culpepper is rad. If I was to be gay for black dudes, Dante would be on my short list – but Obama is still #1.

Sadly though, the Detroit Lions are yet to win a game this season, so the odds of making the Super Bowl and less likely than a plumber’s chances of recording a Country Music Record.

My forecast for the next Detroit champions in each sport is:

Baseball: Tigers - 2011
Basketball: Pistons – 2008/2009
Hocky: Red Wings – 2008/2009
Football: Lions - 2087

You can take that to Vegas – it’s as good as money in the bank. Even better than my predictions, though, would be to actually have money in the bank.

I wonder if Allen Iverson is feeling the credit crunch on his $20.8 million salary…

Now go vote fools!....

Working Towards Unemployment

I have a very good work ethic, perhaps not by traditional standards, but I traditionally have never been one for tradition. My definition of "work ethic" embodies such moral virtues as being able to show up and leave whenever I want, taking breaks as I see fit, and understands that I don't like being tied down by meetings, responding to emails, or answering phone calls. I find team meetings boring and spend large amounts of time making coffee, cleaning the microwave, and going on more smoke-breaks than a 2 pack-a-day smoker, despite the fact I do not smoke.

I take great pride in my personal hygiene, but acknowledge most people take more pride in their own. I take up to one shower per week and have a standing offer to all women in my office, asking they shower with me for water conservation purposes. Alas, it appears nobody shares my passion for conservation, which is my stock-standard answer when I'm approached by HR.

Work functions help bring everybody together, which is why I never go to them. The people I work with don't seem to be on the same wavelength as me; in fact I'm not sure they have a wavelength at all.

Of course I think management is the enemy and spend large amounts of energy fighting the man, or in my manager's case, woman. Just yesterday she asked if I saw her email.

"I saw it" I said

"Did you read it?" she questioned

"Nope, I don't like to read" I replied

She looked puzzled for a moment, and then spoke "Perhaps you're in the wrong job then."

"Well" I said "reading wasn't in the job description".  Then I added "but then again, I didn't read the job description"

This is where managers and staff differ: management believes just because they expect us to do something that we're going to do it. I kindly offered my opinion on expectations to my manager as well.

"Some people like to set the bar high, sometimes it's too high and then they're disappointed when they don't achieve what they wanted to. I prefer to take a safer approach. I set the bar low, and then it's easy to meet and even exceed expectations."

My manager quickly quoted our company's slogan "We deliver on our commitments, so that you can deliver on yours"

I tore this apart by explaining that if we never commit, then we never have to deliver. However, if we never commit and still deliver, then we have exceeded expectations!

I concluded this lesson in logic with my de-motivational saying "If you never try, you will never fail".

Clearly I won this battle of twits. I think she understood my position, and I'm sure she's grateful to have opinionated employees like me around.

Why America Needs Barack Obama

I  lived in America for 25 years. I grew up thinking the US Government was filled by good people whom, over the years, lost sight of what was best for the people they represent, lost touch with the country. I saw Washington as a hub for career politicians that did whatever was necessary to win the next election, they almost had to if they wanted a job.

With that kind of pressure, I thought, of course they'll give into the interest groups. I could even imagine how it starts, how they'd waiver 'just this one time' on their stance on a minor issue. They say power corrupts; I can understand how, and perhaps even why.  

It's easier to give in, get a buck, or get a vote and secure your job than to take the moral high ground and stand up for what you believe in. It's easier to be a puppet for your party, be a monkey for the sponsors, or simply erase your values than to become another martyr fora hopeless cause.

It's the path of least resistance.

It's politics.

It's human nature.

It's Republicans and Democrats.

It's not the person in the role that is the problem, it's the role itself, it's the system that's fundamentally flawed.

This is politics…this is how it will always be.

It's not right vs. wrong, nor good vs. evil.

It's all wrong. It's all evil.

It's politics….

Fast forward to present day…....

I've now been outside of America for nearly 4 years. I can not claim to understand everything that is happening in the US, but I do my best to stay current and I know it's only gotten worse.

I am convinced George W. Bush has caused more damage to the country and to the world than any of us will likely ever know, or even want to know. The last 8 years has seen the US become a bully, trying to force it's will on anyone who disagrees with the current administration. It's a thin line between intimidation and terrorism. I often wonder if we're still the 'good guys'.

I love the US and am thankful for the life and opportunities I've been given. What breaks my heart is how America has nearly become a joke on the global scale. The world sees America and makes judgments based on what they see on television:

They see George W. Bush mis-speaking.

They see war.

They see lies.

They see an obese nation gorging itself while millions starve world-wide.

A country filled with guests from Jerry Springer.

They see cops, crime, guns, drugs, hate, racism and prisons.

They see FOX 'news' sensationalism

A fading super-power where the people are ignorant, lazy and materialistic.

This is the America known to the world, it's the America we have shown them. I tell them there is so much more. I counter every bad thing with 10 good points about America, but even if I were to convince everyone I ever meet, it will never be enough.

When I moved to New Zealand in 2004, the war in Iraq was fairly new, George W. Bush was supposed to lose the next election in a few months, and America could start to repair the damage. Four years later America has millions unemployed, houses in foreclosure, an economy in shreds,and is more in debt with every day that passes. I can't help but be reminded of the Roman Empire in it's decline. I'm tempted to paint George W. Bush as a modern day Nero, but it's actually worse: Bush hand-picked an entire administration of criminals, and we let him.

I am not a Democrat or Republican. In fact, I have traditionally had the all-too-common pessimistic view that voting is simply choosing the lesser of two evils. I look back and wonder what it would be like to have a president like Lincoln or John F. Kennedy. The history books have painted both larger than life. I talk to my Dad about JFK, and his voice has a passion that is impossible to miss. He portrays Kennedy as a man who gave the nation, and the world, hope. Anything was possible,anything could be achieved. The world was a better place because of one person.

And when my Dad finishes speaking, he shakes his head. I don't know if that's recalling the tragic end to the story, or if he's comparing that image of what an American President should be. Either way, it was clear that once upon a time, a politician gave people hope…almost seems hard to believe.

One day, I would like the world to see America the same way I do. I want to talk about a President the same way my Dad talks about JFK. Most of all, I want what's best for America.

Bedwetting & My Quest to be Possessed

Around 9:30am I opened my eyes and added another day to my 'Pee-Free'  safety record.

I hopped onto my couch, turned on the TV, and flipped the channel to watch Oprah. It was then that I realized I was pretty hungry should probably eat. But I'm already sitting down and getting up to make breakfast takes energy, which is what I don't have, which is why I want to eat.

This is my predicament.

How do I eat without moving?

There seemed to be only a limited number of realistic options:

1.       Have a home computer that can make me breakfast and maybe even dresses me like the future world of The Jetson's.

2.       Get online and do a Google search for "Personal Cook", "Wife", "Girlfriend"

3.       Call 911 and request someone feed me through a tube

4.       Find out if McDonald's does home delivery..

5.       Allow a poltergeist to posses my body, and then use my new powers to levitate a pan onto the oven to make scrambled eggs.

The benefits of option 5 far outweighed any minor inconveniences. I concluded it would also be fun to show up to a party and make my head spin all the way around without dying.

Ideally, I needed to get possessed by the ghost of someone who really liked food a lot. Then maybe they'd be a good cook and be very driven to eat a lot. Initially I thought of Henry VIII. He was fat, but he was also a King and I doubt he did much on his own…so I dunno….

Maybe Chris Farley or John Candy would be a better option as my spirit of choice.

Ok….

So next step – who here knows how one would go about to get possessed by the ghost of a fat comedian?And please tell me quick cause I'm really hungry!

Who would you want to be possessed by?