my dad is really and truely dead.  gone forever.

I don't want to hurt tonight.

I don't want to miss a boy.

I don't want to miss my dad.

I'm so incredibly concious that my whole life is about to change drastically.

I approach this as silently as possible.  I don't want to think anything I'll regret.

Is there really healing and redeption out there?


I know I need to stop watching movies, esp the good ones.  They pull too hard on my heart strings.

unbelievable.

Some days I just feel like a doormat.  Yes, step on me, yes use me.  I have a conscience, I care, take advantage of me.

I long for the day; if it'll ever come when someone who truely loves me will wrap their arms around me and I'll know without a doubt that I'm loved. 

For now?  I'll cry into my pillow and fight the stupid feelings of loneliness; after all, I'm doing this to myself right?  I'm choosing to be alone, right?

Seriously.....did I do things right?  Have I handled my life right?  I've stayed clean of all but my thoughts.  They are just so hard to control; they slip back to places I don't want to go.  Have I not dealt with stuff in life well enough to be rid of it and move on?  Why can't I move on?  Or have I and I just don't really know it?  Or does anyone really?  Or do most people just ignore stuff in live in their own creation?

I hate how utterly alone I have felt for the past year, almost 2 now.  And yet I won't let myself be filled by anything that I know is only cheap, fleeting and temporary.  So I remain empty holding out for the promise of that which is supposed to sustain and fulfill me. God have you forgotten about me?

I long for the presence of another.  A friend, a comrade.  Come hold my hand, someone.  I hate doing life on my own.




and a couple last thoughts.  It's been on my mind: weddings.  Will I ever ever have one?  And will I ever be in one?  The only people who ever said that: "you for sure, without a doubt will be in my wedding" are anythng but a apart of my life anymore.  And I creep through people's facebook pictures, and see friends in other friends' weddings I wonder if my worst fears have come true: I have lots of friends, but no best friend; no one who I can see would consider it an honour to have me share that special day of theirs.  I would consider it an honour to be in someone's wedding party; but I don't see it ever happening; at least not from where I stand. 
A small part of me cringes to listen to those who are younger than me excitedly talk about these kinds of dreams.  Part b/c I think: just you wait; you won't be friends in two years; things change like night changes to day.  But then part I cringe b/c i'm jealous, jealous of their untainted trust; jealous b/c it likely will happen for them as they wish.

I can't help think in terms of kharma.  Not that I adhere to any such belief; but does what goes around come around?  Do I deserve the hardship b/c I've done something wrong?

One one day at a time.

But I still wonder wonder wonder.

I really struggle serious hardcore with faith/God/Christianity.  I feel like so many declare God in their own image.  Yes you read that right.

Today, while prepping fabric to sew I had some thoughts.  What would Jesus say about me? I had a version of people I know and even those who frustrate me with their seemingly emotionless approach to faith.  They know all the words, actions, songs, pat answers, the way to stand, smile; they are the essence of the world deams (the world) a perfect christian...

There is a call to love the Lord your God with all your Heart, Soul, Mind, (Being); and to love your neighbour as yourself.  How many of us actually do this?  b/c honestly if we did what problems would we have?  no one would be left.

Love is the movement.

I was was thinking about Matthew 25:31-46.   I'm not a bible thumper, I had to look that up to know the reference; but I was thinking about what Jesus (the one that anyone who denotes themselves as Christian is declaring by that denotation to follow/model) says.  Will he maybe stand at that gate in heaven and say: "It's great that you went to church so faithfully, knew and did all your christian things, went overseas for me, were well-known and well-repected in your church; but you didn't love me with all your heart and your neighbour as yourself; you just made it look like you did.  You may have fed orphans and given lots of money to missions and aid organizations; but you walked by so many opportunities that were right before you in your home town/church/work/school. You did all these great things; but greater would have been the things that no one sees: the old friend in need and struggling; the "loser" at work who needs to be loved and not gossiped about.  Those in your life who have made stupid choices in their life, and instead of reaching out and trying to help and love you sit back and laugh with your cozy group of friends; your good christian friends; those who you seek me your God with; and you laugh at what you're glad you're not stupid enough not to get messed up in."
What if? What do I know?  Nothing really.  I think too much, I create God in my own image.  I fail.  But regardless of my faults I still see love is the movement we are called to.

Preach the gospel at all times; when necessary use words.

Love is the movement.


I'm just a struggling woman.  I make no claims to anything else; except that I will try to love; to love and not grow bitter in giving all that I have of myself.  And I have failed and likely will continue to fail; but I pray that I never give up trying.

Love is not self-seeking

I fear that people hate me.

I fear that people talk about me behind my back.

I fear that people think I'm a drama queen and that's why they don't like me.

Yes I fear that people don't like me and only tolerate me b/c they some what feel sorry for me; not enough to be there for me and do life with me; just enough so that they themselves don't feel like a horrible person.

Irrational fears

Paranoid fears.

They grow everyday.

I have to fight to work against them; and in the end?  I let them win out.

I fear that I'll never figure out faith and never make it to heaven.

I fear I'll go crazy before I'm 30.

Mostly I just fear that people aren't real with me and hate me.

Fear is friggin stupid. Eh?

It's times like these that I really really need someone.  Someone older and wiser, someone I can go to, vent to, unload on and not hurt or discourage in the process.  I feel like such a jerk right now, a horrible person and a jerk. 

Why do I think and feel to being with?  Why can't I just go through life without doing that?  Without thinking and feeling and consequently hurting others.

I hate where I am right now in life.  I even hate who I am, b/c I know I'm the good person I once used to be.  I fear who I might be becoming.

Pessimism or honesty; label it how you want.  I really don't know where to reach out to.  It's thanksgiving people are busy or away; and even if they weren't, where would I go?
I am thankful........but I'm also aware and b/c of that very discouraged....  And I just did damage b/c of that.

I tell myself: common kt, it's been two years, freakin bloody MOVE ON.

For the most part, honestly I'm happy.  And today's thanksgiving dinner totally kicked last years' ass.  But I've been thinking so much today.  I try not think how much I've lost......I just push it back and try to be positive. 

My dad is gone!  I tell myself in utter disbelief.  I feel like I need to step outside myself, grab my own shoulders and shake them violently and scream into my own face "He's gone; they're gone! Gone gone gone!"; as if that'll make it seem more real.  I just can't believe it's all true; and by all I mean all the shit that happened both before and after losing dad.

I'm not an attention seeker, I don't like being heart broken; but I honestly wonder how many nights I'm going to have to cry alone.  Forever?  And is that b/c I'm a loser for dwelling on the past and not being able to move forward.   Or is it really ok to miss a couple people who are gone from your life and used to mean the world to you?  Am I a total loser or is it ok to still hurt?
Please don't think I'm an attention seeker.  I over dramatize nothing.  I just want to really feel like I have a future.  And as I go to weddings, watch friends' facebook statuses change from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged" I just wonder.....honestly God....how do I get over wanting this and be satisfied being alone?  How do I just forget my past and the sweet taste I had that I sincerely believed was going to last?

It's a catch 22, b/c I need my dad to talk to about this stuff, and b/c I can't have him I need someone; but there's no someone and I"m discouraged b/c of that and I want to talk to my dad about that, but I can't, b/c he's dead....so I need someone else, but there's no one....

I just feel like I'm going no where now; and the future 'll be much of the same.

I used to, only a few short years ago, have these moments, where I'd let my imagination go a little crazy and i'd pretend I lost a parent; it usually was my dad.  I'd think about how it'd happen, and how I'd react and how horribly I'd miss him.  This mental fabrication usually took place when he was late home from somewhere, often in the winter.   I could have myself in tears, painful painful tears, over a fabrication of my imagination, b/c I could feel the intense pain as if it were a reality.  But then I could stop it, and the tears would dry up and I'd be thankful as I fell asleep (it was usually at night) that that would never happen.

Now it is a reality.  It did happen and I have to stop and think about the fact that it did, but I can't think about it long, b/c I'll get overwhelmed with the disbelief.  I feel it now, the disbelief; and I have to push it away.  There is nothing else to do with it.  One can only accept death to a point.  It will always baffle you when you lose someone close to you.  You'll always feel just a little crazy and a lot uncertain about the future.  I feel crazy and uncertain.  I have to goe over the events of that day in my head to remind myself its true.  I'm still in a state of disbelief about the place I'm at in life.

My daddy is gone....

Is there really someone out there for me?  Someone who will love me for who I am?  Who can I trust?

I need my dad.  I miss my dad.  I really need to talk to my dad.  A year and 7 months is much too long.  I need to talk to my dad.....and I can't.

So I'm realizing right now: gone are the days where I know i'm understood.  Maybe it'll resurface again.  And I'll have that relationship with someone again.  But right now?  non-existant.  It's draining b/c of the frustration and lonliness.

And wise words for people?  I've got none.  I don't even need to bite my tongue, I'm speechless.  There is nothing and no one.

Someday?

It's really easy to cry these days.  And I don't bother to stop the tears.  They're the closest thing that I can get to hug.  I wish I had a trusted shoulder to cry on.  I know lots of people who could fill that role; but it's hard to choose, and hard to trust.  And just hard to know who's not going to get up and walk away when they've had enough.  And I can't bouce from person to person.  So instead of going to anyone, I go to no one.  I cry alone until my head throbs, then I fall asleep.  B/c tomrorow 'll come soon enough and I'll be busy with all its events that I won't think about of the shit of today; until it happens again.  And I'll cry again, again alone.  Cycle repeats itself.