Some time ago I forgave, I mean I really forgave some very hurtful soul destroying things that were done to me. There was nothing I actively did to get past that - the anger just left and it its place a calm enveloped me. I guess if you believe that there is a master plan to all of this, I was getting ready for what I was about to go through.

Some people that know me ask me why I’m not more angry. I mean I’ve been depressed- very deeply depressed over the events of the last year and of other things that came long before now but I’m not angry or bitter about them - to me this is astonishing. I should be pretty pissed off but I’m not.

So I started thinking about writing this blog yesterday and then last night I got an email with some news that well, sucked. I’m crushed really at the way this person continues to twist the knife they have in my back all the while smiling at my face. Its frustration and sadness but I’m still not angry. I honestly don’t see a purpose in anger especially about things that really matter. I figure I’m already going to have to contend with some unpleasantness why would I first distract myself with rage and revenge. Instead I aim my energy at getting through it. I see other people around me who are filled with anger and frustration their resentment spills into every interaction they encounter.

What if we use anger as a catalyst, something to create momentum to survive the bad in our lives? Wouldn’t life be different? We wouldn’t waste such a powerful force on insignificant irritants like traffic, long lines or missing flights. Come with me and try it- the calm I’m swimming in is the perfect temperature.

I have a very vivid memory of my dad in his kitchen.  He had a little counter which he used as his desk and his spot to eat at since he lived alone.  He loved cooking for us- any and all of us- because he hated eating alone and we were all pleased to accomodate him and eat his wonderful food.  But we couldn’t always be there- so he sat at his spot quite often.

I would stop by and find him having his meal with all of the proper condiments, side dishes a glass of water and maybe some wine.... carefully prepared and presented - just for him.  I admired his dedication to doing things properly even if no one else would see them but himself. 

I too hate eating alone yet my lifes fate is that I spend the majority of my time alone these days.  I avoid going out to eat at lunch, not because I feel embarrased of not having lunch companions but because it makes me sad that I will eat alone again.  So more often then not I grab some food to have at my desk and continue to work.

Today in honor of my dear father on the 5th anniversary of his death I had lunch properly like he would have done if he were still here.  I went out and had nice meal while sitting at a table.  I enjoyed my food because just for today I was not alone in the restaraunt - it was a lovely time- and when I got up to leave I felt him leave too.

I miss you dad. [Jose J. Saavedra   2.28.1930  -   03.21.2003]

L

My little one 26 has a terrible cough. Tonight he was very whiney – I knew he didn’t feel great so I tucked him in next to me and hoped that with my holding him it would all be better for him by morning.

Not so easy.

20 minutes after we had fallen asleep he had a huge coughing fit which upset him so he started to cry which made the coughing worse which then led to getting sick all over himself, my bed and me.

So I scoop him up take him into my bathroom get him cleaned up, then myself, then the bed all while trying really hard not to lose it in the process. I gave him some medicine and water and puts vicks on his little chest.

Finally I was laying him down in his fresh pj’s and he hugged me and said, "thank you for helping me"

He is four years old- I know forty year olds that would never thank me so sincerely. It made me so proud that he knows gratitude and compassion already

Its not easy being a single parent, its pretty lonely most of the time but occasionally you get rewarded with a few simple words that recharge you to go back out and keep fighting your way through to make a clear path for those little lives in your care.

Well, his hand is resting on my arm as I type this and the fact that its so late and my precious few hours of rest are slipping by quickly doesn’t seem to matter – I’ll be walking on air all day tomorrow with the wonderful gift of thanks he gave me.

L

Invisible is a state of mind. Its very different than feeling unattractive- it’s a trick your mind plays on you to protect you from judgment of any kind especially from yourself.

For me, it happened slowly- the vibrant colors left me and were replaced by muted tones of brown until the sepia tone turned into a blank page.

I walked around under the cloak of invisibility for a long time. There was a certain freedom this gave me, like not having to worry about details just functionality.

Coming back from this has been just as subtle for me. Maybe others around me saw a sudden change but it didn’t feel like that to me.

I spent a long time this morning ironing my clothes for the week; something I haven’t done in years and now this is a weekly ritual for me. I find it relaxing and meditative to listen to the spray of the starch and the sound of the steam coming from the iron.

The best part is that it’s exciting to walk out of my door again I never know what I will discover or who will discover me.

Dear (24),

I'm sorry for my error in judgment that led us to the choice that without a father would be better then with an abusive one.

Tonight I watched proudly as you played in the honor band with kids from all over the region. You played a professional venue and my heart soared when you walked out on stage

I sat alone in the audience. You know, I always sit alone but that is ok I go to watch you. This is not a team sport where other parents congregate together on the sidelines- so no one makes conversation with me. This is an activity to observe in silence and I do

I'm not on a planning committee, I don't organize, delegate, or lead for the band activities.

But I am a silent and dedicated supporter of you my dear heart. It used to hurt me for your loss- that your father was not there for you. I have tried to make up for that void by not letting you down, by reminding you daily what my highest priority is; you and your sister and brother.

I drive you to practice on so many cold snowy Colorado mornings- long before the sun rises. I wear a coat over my pj's but I get you there without fail. I pick you up late in the evening when you've been away in another town playing your instrument.

Tonight in my solitude I saw the spirit of your grandpa from the corner of my eye. He was proud of his oldest grandson. He was dressed up to watch you, I could almost see the tear well up in his eye because the music and the theater were so beautiful. And when it was over he silently disappeared back into the heavens where he rests now

I would say I sacrifice for you to play in the band, but its not a sacrifice to me. I gladly do without so I can buy you a clean white shirt and your first tie. You look so handsome

My reward is your happiness and your success. I can see the gratitude in your eyes when you scan the seats and catch a glimpse of me sitting there, and it doesn't seem to matter that there is an empty space next to me.

I am your biggest fan my dear and the cheerleader for your life.

There was no one next to me once again this evening on your special night but I am never alone when I have this much love in my heart for you

Mom

I remember last years birthday like it was just moments ago. I was miserable in an abusive relationship and a job that was killing me slowly. My new window into the world, MySpace, had me excited about things for the first time in years. I read so much about topics that were of interest to me- things I could and did get passionate about. To all of you who share your knowledge- it does make a difference- you do change minds and lives

I made my household veggie shortly after my birthday as a direct result of influences from some of you

My employer - abusive in his own right- was sucking the last of the lifeblood from my spirit. In my rebellion against dieing a very unglorified death was the motivation to become a fervent advocate for animals. I spent a lot of my time posting bulletins, self teaching a little html so I could better capture the attention of my readers, I gave money- lots of it because I had it to give at the time. I felt good about what I was doing for the unwanted critters.

My depression was worsening- I felt impending doom as there were signs that I was about to experience a personal apocalypse soon. My hectic travel schedule continued to take its toll on me and I was eating worse because vegan comfort foods at airports were often limited to fries and bagels and scotch. Finally I went to see a nutritionist and my doctor and got a game plan to battle my unhealthy eating and my depression.

Ironically, the next day I lost my job

In hindsight I am eternally grateful for the sequence of events that caused my employer to finally release me from the prison they had stuck me in. They were unkind, unethical and unworthy of my life so I'm blessed to be away from that snake pit. The financial struggle was now cresting on the horizon but didn't hit me right away.

Through the summer life at home became more surreal, dark and scary. By September the time had come to leave or risk losing myself to the enveloping fog.

When I walked in to this old house with toddler in arms and flanked by my beautiful 22 & 24 I had a clean slate. No disgraceful bosses, no abusive mate and 30 lbs lighter.

I have had a tough time of it since because of the daily struggle to survive while unemployed but my heart is full and healthy, my mind is clearer than it has been for years and I've been fortunate to spend so much time with my three kids.

In coming full circle I'm working on rehoming some puppies for a friend now, reading if not always reposting your bulletins and keeping the beautiful faces of the unwanted animals in my mind because they deserve to be remembered.

I hope on my birthday next year I will be able to reflect and be very proud of my actions, decisions and continued clarity.

In all of my years it was never enough to have so much when my heart and my soul were chained. I am older yes but newly born into a better life. Today I am 1 and I have the whole rest of my life to look forward to.

L

There have been days in this holiday season that have brought me to my knees. I am humbled by the events of this past year and where life's path has brought me to.

In years past my kids always got some Christmas money to purchase me something - it made them feel good to give something they had picked out that they thought I would love. Honestly it has been as awesome to watch their faces when I open what they got me as it has been to see them open up their own presents.

There are no gifts this year. None. Not from me to them or them to me. My gaurdian angel bought some toys for little 26 and sent them to me so I would have santa presents for him- for that I'll always be grateful.

There are no apologies to make, I didn't gamble our money away or lose it frivolously or selfishly. I ran for my life and sanity with three kids and my dogs. So here we are with our tree and stockings up and I have had a sinking feeling that as the actual day came close I would feel, well- like I do - crushed.

So I thought back to my childhood, when I was a very small child: my brother and I would take my parents favorite things and wrap them up. Being so small we honestly thought this was what you do- my parents were always so pleased and acted surprised when they found old ties, perfume and shaving cream in the boxes we wrapped. In hindsight, I think- how sweet of them to encourage us to learn the pleasure of giving.

I will take my pretty yet empty gift bags and place a note card in a few- they will say "To: Mom" from each of them there will be several gifts for their mom- with the explanation of something they gave me this year that was precious to me. Maybe they were words of encouragement from my daughter, maybe it was good grades from my son, maybe it was quiet understanding when I felt hysteria welling up inside from all three, or maybe reading on their Myspace pages that I am their hero.

No it won't be the exciting 'things' of years past there are no receipts to keep track of- just memories and love that they have already handed to me and that will be with me forever.

I'm crying as I write this- this is the toughest holiday I've yet to face. The biggest and loveliest bag I have will have these words on its note card

TO: 22, 24, and 26

A home filled with Love and Peace and Kindness- and Hope for a better future.

Happy Holidays dear friends

On Thanksgiving morning I was 900 miles from home. I had 2 out of three of my kids with me that morning as we were running last minute errands in preparation for the meal at someone else's family home. Being in a small city in the middle of Missouri- you'd think I couldn't get lost but I couldn't get my bearings to save my life.

So there I was, taking the exit past the one I needed and turning around- again. I ended up on a desolate industrial area of course no one was around because it was a holiday. And I saw this muddy scruffy dog I could see he had a collar but there were no houses near by and I suspect he was either lost had been dumped. Why Damn It?! At this point I couldn't have cared less what my original purpose was for being out I was determined to feed that poor thing.

My kids know my inability to turn away from any animal in need or not but my daughter got a horrified look on her face when I started following this stray dog in our van. She said mom are you going to try and catch him- what will you do with him? I said I don't think I can catch him but we're going to feed him if it takes all morning.

We eat no meat in my house, but a well meaning family member had given my youngest a slim jim the night before. It was in the console of my car and I knew this was the ticket to get this dog to come close enough to help him.

I opened the slim jim package and started waving it out of my van window as I was doing multiple u turns so I could keep up with this lost dog. The little one in the back thought it was fun and my daughter kept saying "Mom!" But my determination worked! He stopped which gave me time to get in the back of my van and grab whatever I could.

2 string cheese sticks, a peanut butter sandwich, and animal crackers and of course the slim jim.

I walked slowly not straight at him but in the same direction as he was and laid all of it on the ground.

The dog looked back at me as I walked away from my Thanksgiving Offering to him. He approached it with caution and took the meat stick and tossed it up in the air like a toy before he ate it. For a moment, at least in my mind he looked happy.

I drove away as he was still eating and I began to feel sad for him but then thought I must have gotten lost right here so I could feed him and that must have been the reason I didn't toss the meat stick out immediately the day before.

There is a reason for everything that happens, I hope everyday that I have the clarity I need to follow the path that is shown to me to help another. So often we just don't pay attention or worse we look away and miss an opportunity to right a wrong on a fellow being no matter how small the act, no matter what kind of living creature it is.

Friends – never underestimate the power of one act of kindness and compassion you may never hear the words of thanks but you will feel it in your heart.
Laura

There is a part of the window in my bedroom that has no covering on it and beyond it outside is a big pine tree. In the morning I can gage the hour and condition of the weather by looking at that treetop.

This morning I saw snow hanging perfectly on the limbs and needles. It inspired me to lay there a little longer, the beagles didn't help they were all still dreaming of rawhides and squirrels and snoring in unison.

So I contemplated this first snow of the season and reflected on the changes since last years first snow. It made me sad. Ok, maybe a little pissed off too. So much has changed, there has been so much loss in this last year. Yet there has been progress as well.

I got up got the kids off to school, the pups fed and out for a romp in the snow- then it was just me, alone. It's the path I've been placed on and I'm not trying to change what fate has dealt me, in fact this time I'm embracing the opportunity to really establish myself as a woman alone.

As you can tell by my posts lately, I am quite depressed and therefore I have to tiptoe around my own thoughts as to not trip myself up and end up crying all day. But there I was looking out of my kitchen window and loving the view of the snow on the foothills and the sun pouring out of the scattering clouds like fine lace. The beauty of it along with the solitude of that moment brought me to my knees with grief.

Damn.

How can the earth be filled with so much beauty that literally falls from the sky and yet we as its caretakers are miserably deficient in our care of each other and of the other sentient beings entrusted to us? I still can't do as much for the rescue work I normally do because – I'm not strong enough yet. I cry for lobsters in the tank at the store, I cry when a livestock semi passes me on the road. I am so sensitive to the matters around me that its like I have no skin right now that the lightest touch of emotion is too painful to bare.

After my little one was picked up to spend the night at his fathers this evening I was of course hit by yet another wave of grief but as they drove away I noticed a delivery off to the side of my front stoop. It was a housewarming gift from a dear friend from far away. It was a lavender plant. I heard once that lavender signifies loyalty and that made this lovely plant all that more special to me.

Tomorrow will possibly bring ice crystals hanging from my pine tree, maybe even some early sunlight. Regardless of the weather outside or the pain I may feel I do look around and feel gratitude for this place of sanctuary where I pray my skin will heal and I can once again take up my fight for the rights of the unwanted animals I love so much

Good Night Friends
Laura

White lines on the road meant so much more when I first left home. They were arrows to the future – fill in the blank lines for adventures I would have, loves I would meet, and success I would celebrate.

I drove 1800 miles during the last five days. I saw a lot of white lines and it was painfully different. No longer the imagined adventures, love or successes – no they were reminders of each memory of the last 23 years since I first drove cross-country on my own.

Unfortunately my state of mind is not exactly on the positive side so even in the good memories there are disastrous endings to so many of them and I call that "hitting a brick wall" moments. I beleive I have smashed into that "brick wall" as much as a test dummy has.

I did surprise myself on just how the hell did I survive so many whacks in life and still here I am. Many days I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp inside my heart- beaten up hurts but it hasn't killed me. I have so much work yet to do here.

There is a quote I saw on a friend's signature line that I love: we can't change the beginning but we can change the ending. So true.

I need strength to change the damn ending. That end shouldn't be for another 4 decades or more – so you see I have a lot at stake - 40 years is a long time to have a heart ache.

The dreams I dreamed on those first white lines in the asphalt so many years are gone. Many turned out to be nightmares many were good but were taken from me too soon.

Its a new day, and there will be new opportunities to sieze I pray for clarity to recognize them, I pray for sanity if they too turn out to be brickwalls. And if they do I will as always get up shake it off and keep going.

Love to you all dear friends I hope your thanksgiving was less dark than mine

Laura

I've been talking to my beagles more about the pain I feel for the homeless animals - I don't know why I had never considered doing this before, I mean I talk to them about everything else.

When I hold each of them close to me they have a unique set of sounds they communicate to me with.

Montana hums. Its a whisper humming and its lower pitched when he is sad or I'm sad and its a higher pitch for when he is happy and excited. I absolutely understand him as well as if he were speaking english to me.

Sweetie 'talks' well she did earn her nickname 'woof' because she barks but its more than that, she mouths what appears to be words and she can without a doubt form the word momma. She saves that for when she really wants my attention....and it works. She is my worrisome girl, so she is often concerned about the other two's behavior...

Claire is much less vocal, she is a touchy feely type. She will climb up on my lap, or next to me, or sit in front of me and touch my shoulder with her paw, once she has my attention she licks my hand or forearm - which is her way of making me feel better. She licks my face if she needs reassurance from me.

I have wondered if they would speak if no one listened?

My dogs have comforted me this week when I've hit my fill of pain and anguish for the countless animals that die every second....and all of the ones we try so hard for and lose anyways. Montana seems the most concerned for me, he gives me the 'high pitch' hum and hops around when I'm telling him about my upset over the rescues. I believe he says to keep going, that its helping, that I'm making a difference.

The one thing I do beleive is that I will keep telling them and I will keep listening to their voices...this is the only way I've found so far that soothes the sting in my heart

I wish for one human to get it today...for them to put their chin on a dogs head and speak to them...and then sit back and listen for a reply...what a marvelous moment to be heard for the first time- to be understood- I don't think we need to wait until we have good news to share- they are just as pleased to help us carry the burdens.

Try it.

Last week one of my friends on the Saving Shelter Pets forum asked a poignant question about how everyone handles the loss in rescue....many replied and throughout those responses a common thread appeared.

**Remember the ones you opened your homes and hearts to yourself....**

Just try to think of the lives touched by the selfless act of rescue- look in the mirror to see a life changed by a rescued animal and it will bring the purpose back into focus for you

So I asked the SSP forum members to send me some thoughts by completing the sentence "the first time I saw your face...." about their furry family members.

I'll share them with you so you can 'see' the beauty of 'even the few saved' and how that is strong enough to keep everyone going on the worst of days.

I put the responsess on this montage to share with all of my rescue friends...as a reminder of the heroes you are to those babies that surround you at night...if they could speak their list of "the first time I saw your face" would be glorious to read.

Laura



The text slides come from this list...they aren't in this order but these words are powerful enough to print off and post next to the computer......

**************

Henry, the first time I saw your face I became mom…and for 13 wonderful years I was the luckiest mom in the world- RIP Henry


The first time I ever saw you I cried tears of joy… I fell in love with you instantly and cannot imagine my life without you.


To Lucy (RIP) - the first time I saw you…
You were in a cage with 4 other siblings, and when I came close you came close, and when I stuck my knuckle into the cage you licked it like crazy, and gazed at me as if to say, "If you take me home I will kiss you and love you and be the best dog you ever had, so please, please, please"
……so we did and you were.

Dear Missy: The first time I ever saw you, you were huddled in an airline crate, frightened and alone, and I knew that you were my daughter, right then and there.
I knew that we would bond, love each other, and grow together. I love you Missy.


To Brittany (RIP) - the first time I saw you, you were in a filthy place, crawling with bugs.
I told the guy I wanted you and he looked at me like I was crazy, but he took you out, dumped you into my arms and walked away.
I didn't let go of you again for almost 14 years…. RIP sweet girl.


Preston: The first time I ever saw you, you had just run out of the boarding facility as fast as you could and barreled up to me like I was your long lost best friend.


Lucy: The first time I ever saw your face I cringed at the immense neglect I saw.
Your "guardians" had chained you up your whole life, and never taken you to the vet. Your hypothyroidism had caused you to be almost hairless and 40 lbs overweight--you couldn't even walk…


J.B.- The first time I saw you I was cleaning your cage and you bolted out and ran across the room to socialize with the other kittens and left me in the dust!


To Addison: The first time I saw you even though you were barking your head off from a long transport...I was in love with your chubby beautiful face


For Calley: The first time I ever saw you, you were at the vets office where I picked you up.
Now, although you are deaf, nearly completely blind and lame, I love you unconditionally.


To Autumn: The first time I ever saw you, you looked scared and lonely. Your fur was matted and I didn't know if you were going to be okay…
You are such a precious member of our little family.


To Frances and Ursula: The 1st time I saw you guys I knew right away that you were coming to live with me.


For Riley: The first time I ever saw you was on the SSP Forum and I knew you were coming to your forever home with us…
We have been blessed with you.


To Lady: The first time I ever saw you, I was going to Petsmart with my autistic client "just to look" at the local rescue dogs, and somehow you ended up coming home with me that day!


To Buddy: The 1st time I saw you I almost screamed because you are soooooooooo adorable, wiggly, and smiley


To Laci: The first time I ever saw you, you were too frightened to look at me. Even now, I can't always touch you but it doesn't matter because you know you are loved.


Dear Jack: The first time I saw your face, I knew that you had character. I knew that you were the one that was going to make our family laugh and smile again.


You have some big paw prints to follow in, but I know that you will blaze a trail through our hearts, in fact, you already have..... Love Mom


To Zelda: The first time ever I saw your face, you were zipped up inside the transporters jacket with just your little head sticking out under her chin - looking around, taking it all in, unfazed by traveling from GA to MD and back to TN in 2 days-----
Also unfazed by having your right front leg in a long pink cast. Just one happy kitty to be with someone who cared and not waiting in cage for the gas chamber…
and you are the highlight of my day still.


To Kira: The first time I ever saw you, I fell in love with you. You were so small and fragile. Now you are the strongest of the group.


To Lulu - my crazy Lu, you are the one who helped ease the sadness of losing Brittany. The first time I saw you was on the shelter website.
First I read your description "Extra Large" and I thought "That's the dog for me!" Then I saw your picture and even through cyberspace those eyes got me. When I first met you at the shelter, you jumped up on the half door, kissed me on the cheek and then sat like a good girl.
Such incredible gentleness in such a big girl, you are my love, my Lu.


For Kohl: The first time I ever saw you; I picked you up at the airport. You scared me because I didn't see you for a long time.
But now you have made your place in my heart and home.


Woof, the first time I saw you I understood you: your timid suspicious nature can't hide the love and loyalty in your heart
You are my big fat speckled pup and also my best friend


For Cheyenne: The first time I ever saw you was when animal control dropped you off because you had run out of time.
Although you continue to live under the loveseat and stay out of sight, I will feed and water you there, speak to you there and love you from afar…


Ganesha: The first time I ever saw you, you were meowing and clasping on to your guardian that had gotten you on an impulse, and dumped you just as easily.


Possum: The 1st time I ever saw you, you were peaking your head out of a cardboard box, making sure it was okay for your brothers and sisters to come out.


Nikki the first time I saw you, you were playing in the visitors room with another family and you hit your head on the chair…I fell in love instantly, thank goodness they did not choose you!


Buster the first time I saw you, I saw the devilish look in your eye and knew you were coming to wreak havoc in our home.....and you have!


Dear Molly - The first time I ever saw you, you were in a cage with your sisters at the shelter - I liked you the best, but you were shy and would not come to me.
….and the first time I ever saw your face I was so happy it had brown freckles!


Delta: The first time I ever saw your face...I thought you looked a little like Snoopy, because of your tri-coloring. I knew you were the perfect addition to our family and would also hold a special place in my heart.


To Major: The first time I saw your face you were scared little ball of fluff, huddled under a collapsed barn, and even though it took 2 hours 2 bites and 2 piles of poop on my pants, I was determined to protect and love you forever.
Eleven isn't old Major, we've still got a long way to go, I love you!


To Amber: The first time I saw your face you were stuck in "jail" at Atlanta Humane, underneath all the dirt, grime, and mats was the most hopeful set of eyes, we knew you would bring joy to our home.
Even when you act like a red-headed step-child, I still love you girl.


To Exie: The first time I saw your face you were romping in the puppy pen at Atlanta Humane, you were the most wiggly and most loving pup there. I love you - six toes!


To Penny: The first time I ever saw you, you were only 9 months old and on your last day at the humane society.
I didn't know then that you'd be my best friend for the next 15 years (& counting!)


To Dora: The first time I saw your face I was trying to decide on a puppy to pull for my rescue group, you convinced me that the puppy should be you by squeezing through the fencing and following me down the row.
Although I wasn't allowed to take you home that day, I returned for you faithfully, prayed for you during your battle with Parvo, and promised to love you forever at Christmas when you became my foster failure.
The Adorable Dora, I love you too!


To Hankers: The first time I saw you, I fell in love with that cute little face of yours, but little did I know how you'd turn our lives upside-down!


Dear Patches- The first time I ever saw your face, I thought it was so sweet that you had one black eye and one white eye - you were just a tiny baby, but we carried you around everywhere…
I didn't anticipate the trouble you would cause!


To Callie and Griffy - the first time I saw you, your pictures were posted on SSP because you'd been dumped in a kill shelter and your time was up.
Your owner, who loved you, had died and the children didn't want you. Having just lost my Mom, I could imagine the hurt and bewilderment you must be feeling…
We could not let you die, so now you're part of our family, and every day we love you more.


To PK: The first time I ever saw you, you were looking at me, purring, in the drop box at an Ohio shelter, clueless to what your fate would've been had you not wiggled your way into my heart that day.


Wally, the first time ever I saw your face, you lay on a stone cold floor watching people walk by, as you had for the previous 4 months, we stopped and looked at you, you didn't even move just looked with big sad eyes…



Bailey: The first time I ever saw you....I couldn't believe how cute you were. I knew you would always have a special place in my heart.


Nee, the first time I saw you - you were playing hide and seek in a little dog house filled with straw, I didn't need to think for one second if you were the 'one'- I knew you would come home with me…you are and always will be my heart.


Claire, The first time I saw your face- your teenage owner had put you on the urgent board on Petfinders trying to save your life…and when you finally finished the long trip home to me from far far away- you held your gorgeous beagle ears up and stole my heart forever!


For Rusty, The first time I saw your face you were a tired old man exhausted from a long transport...but within a few minutes you were hanging your head out the window and were filled with life and hope again! Love, Dad

Lately I have been content to watch happiness since I can't seem to tap into it myself yet. My kids are my inspiration daily to keep going but really they are the motivational speakers in my life without even knowing it. Its the beauty of the simple joys they have access to that catches my attention.

~26~
My youngest just started Pre-school on Tuesday and as I was driving him there with camera in hand and his little backpack by his side he said, "momma- I'm so excited!" He's three, and when he shares his feelings with me it makes my heart melt. I looked in the mirror and his face was beaming. Now, my littlest kid has either had a nanny or been to daycare since he was 3 weeks old until this summer when I had the honor to stay with him daily- so he wasn't scared about being left at school for the morning but many other little ones on their first day their were crying and having a hard time.

I walked in with him, took his picture (again) and he took a spot on the carpet 'circle' - I waited a moment until he looked up at me and he waved good-bye and winked as if to say, "I got it mom- don't worry"

~22~
My daughter and I went to the store the other night - just the two of us - and we had a good conversation and some fun there, she always brings out that youthful side of me. On the way home she asked me if I ever felt so happy that I wanted to cry and for the life of me I couldn't remember feeling that in everyday living (not ever in my whole life) but I did remember that overflow of happiness three times....with each time I held my new baby in my arms...I cried tears of joy. And I told her that I remember thinking, "this is the most amazing person I've ever met!"

Then, she said "Mom, I'm so happy right now in my life. I have good friends, I'm skateboarding, school is good...I'm just happy!" and at that moment....I had my first experience of wanting to cry from joy aside from the birth of my kids...and it was a damn good feeling.

~24~
My oldest son is my serious one. He's hard to read and I'm fortunate he still shares his feeling with me because he's so stoic that I wouldn't know otherwise. He said he's doing great, and is having a good time with all the friends in his life (the ones that secretly live in my garage). He gives me hugs often and they are genuine hearfelt expressions of the happiness in his world....instinctively shared in the way he knows I understand the best from him- a reassureing bear hug from my baby whose a foot taller than me.

Dear friends, I wish for all of you the ability to see joy, to see peace, to see contentment if at this time in your life you can't feel these things consider yourself blessed if you are able to recognize them and enjoy them in those you love.

I know as long as I can still recognize it I can still achieve it in my own heart someday...maybe not today or tomorrow - but I am patient if nothing else.

We take for granted that the plans we make are based on our life as it is at that moment. We don't normally think that between the decision we make and the execution of it our circumstance could change so drastically that it will spin us dizzy and disorient us and drop us back at square one.

The blow to my future wasn't just the actual loss of my position and the obvious financial issues that go with that but….damn it - I had other plans, of which now I can't follow. I thought someone sucked all of the oxygen out of the air when I realized I couldn't move forward with those plans and then I stood still. First for a day, then a few more, a week went by and then it started to come back into focus. My life as I knew it was gone, but my choices weren't gone they had just changed.

Over the years I learned to be the best mom I could with fancy footwork and a creative mind and huge heart because I have always worked – never even taking the full 6 weeks off after giving birth to any of the three of my babies. The fact is I have been constantly employed since I was 14 or 15 years old.

That's a long time without a summer vacation.

So here I am a brand new person with a blank slate. I am tan, something I've only been artificially on occasion over the years. Now genuinely baked by the real live sun at the pool. I go there with my littlest child, I've almost taught him how to swim. I lost 15 pounds so far…simply by not eating airport food and being able to hike and swim and not hiring someone else to do my housework.

My oldest son said to me one day a few days ago, "mom promise me you will never work again" This statement shocked me because I had never even considered that as a long term option. He followed by saying "you know you got stuck on that plan A for a long time"

He is right.

If all of this wasn't already a full plate, my herniated discs left me nearly unable to walk for over two weeks. During this time my inner mantra was "you used to get on a plane like this at least now you don't have to". This time I was actually able to follow the Doctors orders of staying off my feet, which gave me an endless amount of time to think. Some days I was very depressed for what seemed to me as a series of cosmic practical jokes on me, I had lost my humor about the unfortunate events that kept coming down on me.

Than there was the isolation I felt. I had been so overwhelmed by electronic leashes for years and now my phone didn't ring and I had no laptop to drag around with me or blackberry to compulsively fidget with.

I have tossed the cell phone into the console in my car as a convenience tool ONLY, but I replaced my laptop so I can blog, and post my dog bulletins until all hours of the night.

I will go on to Plan B, which is of yet undefined.

And you know what I have discovered?
life trumps career…
who knew!