Somewhere between where words fail me and my heartbeat speeds up

I’ve fallen in love with you

This love dances and rewrites paragraphs while laughing in the bathtub

Drowns in the spoils

                and squeezes your hand three times so you know it

I love you worse than my pure smile will ever be able to show you

In wholesome doses of impossible

Still changing my mind every minute

Pushing back pulling away jumping up n down and blessing every thought of you.

You know the moment when you know you love somebody? That nervous, butterfly byewhymaybe aching stronger than intuition? I felt that moment last all weekend long, now Monday’s wake up’s the hardest withdrawal since I used to make up dreams like him and nobody believed me.

Whenever you leave letters to better the rest of my every day

Where ever you say ok when I’m wrong as dead end and you

Respect the difference and intensively persuade

You sway the way I am in such ways that make me still when I don’t know how

Boiling emotions over like tea water dreams

Staring lost in the palm trees

Making love til’ my knees weaken

Carefully re-kissing the soft of your scent

My orgasms exorcist

You make me wanna start drinking just to quit and start again the way I love you is worse than it really is.

Is worse than this poem is

Revolving like a carousel parallel to paranoid

Baby you fill my void with joy. Your calm is medication

When I have no patience you help me make it

And you teach me you teach me you teach me the meaning of good morning

When we balance need and want you outweigh what the point of it was

Once when you read to me I fell in love worse

I haven’t stopped falling yet

Why is this fall so damn long?

I love you worse than my favorite song as a broken record scratched replaying over and over

And again and again and again and again and I loved you even before I knew I did

You paint a canvas…

                                                                The watercolors start glowing on the page

                You don’t even know it

You assume there’s no other way to be

But you’re the best person that has ever happened to me

And I know you know what the moment is when it is

You know the moment when the world jilts queue storybook music the smiles fizz and everything gets serious our stares exaggerate into each other’s eyes in the numb of still when I can hardly sit still any bit.

And I hold your face in breaths of climacteric hyperventilation and say

"I love you worse than a curse for as long as we both shall live”

Now that it’s official I have to get it all out.

Hi boyfriend. My boyfriend.

Who doesn’t care when I change my mind a million and thirty five times.

Hi.

Who isn’t amazed at my silly but chimes right along,

Beyond finishing sentences you’re in my head before I think it,

…then kissing my eyelashes every time I blink them. Hi.

Hi boyfriend. Good morning. Good afternoon and Good night.

Everything’s upside down and you say it’s just right.

You’re just like me. I’m just like.

We’re just in the like, but it’s nice, isn’t it nice?

This other worldly twirling not thinking,

                 Not really awake but when I pinched I’m not dreaming

What if I don’t wanna do shit else but you, lol.

What if the whole world collides in a snowstorm and the sky coughs purple cotton candy for us?

I’m not in love.

                I don’t fall in love.

                                I make business decisions.

I make ten year plans and if you can’t deliver,

I re-route without a tracking number so that you can’t reconsider.

I tickle when I think about it,

Really.

I don’t pout about it; I just conjure up my will and POOF!

                Into thin air.

                                Like you never existed.

This is how I erase the years I spent with the wrong people.

I don’t fall in love.

That tickling and twinkling giggles winks and shimmery shining bullshit glistening like a glow worm in the distance, whistling like teapots but whispers gentle as simple mornings rah rah

The way I can’t stop thinking of you, even when I blink hard…

No. not interested. Scared shitless.

Because in six months queue operation care-less

Regret piles up like the laundry

Your morning breath smells less beautiful

                No lying in my hammock

                Spread eagle naked

                Cucumbers over eyes

                Nibbling my nipples like shriveled sugared strawberries at attention

                                Nope, not really… this is love

And you will love me until you’re sick of me and then after that you will be miserable

And all who are not interested say i

                                                                                i.

So you won’t have my heartbeat on a bread of mistake for breakfast

And you won’t have to pretend to accept me as is

And we won’t have coordinating schedules adjacent rules and regulations

Or consequences pending eggshells or replacement

You don’t have to worry about any or either of us having our cakes and eating it too

                Because you’re not going to love me and I’m not going to love you.

i love you more than your mama loved your daddy to make you

more than shoes.

more than matching purses and hats

the fortune cookie unanimously held your initials

                worse than bad habits happening

honest and simple like half asleep babble

                mistaken like rainy day drizzle car windows down a little

when i open my eyes,

photographic pictures paint themselves of us my heart in different colors than it was

and if ever there’s a moment i bore

you highlight the silence with laughter itching smiles wishing

a little fairytale convinced but nonetheless pretty damn far out

you are why my pannies are flammable

they’re made from underwater upside down twirls and kaleidoscopic frills along the edges lately

and they butter melt when you get closer papi

the way my eyes twinkle now when i’m by my damn self 

writing poetry

(by skylight-mind you)

is absolutely ridiculous

and you’re so pure the way fear slows then tilts, sweet and new as a never seen sunshine setting, the way the day slept with you, the way i always forget my reminders and you help me remember and remind me, and you help me forget when i can’t help being upset at the past making this future

my overthinking has to sit this one out; i’m running out of breathing

and the dish ran away with the spoon

                i’m having tea at high noon

                                hence they fell in love via text message and lived happily ever whatever

though… i would hate to want more than i am ready for

i remember when i was smaller than this

i used to dream about this:

love that changes moments, minds, and makes up my bed without ever having to be told type of teamwork

calling off the showcase… letting my tears steam dry

wondering how long it will take you to leave if i haven’t made up my mind

… almost perfect like a smile after softly burping

not wanting to loose myself in the hoping part

or lose interest because of your open heart weakness

or love you just because of your sweetness

or be too much of myself-too brash or too soon?

                but anyways, i’m having tea at high noon

and you’re invited to this delightful event

to trace the inside of the coloring book lines for guidance

and learn more in the silence than in the secrets

because the only secret I have really worth keeping is

that i love you more than your daddy loved your mama to make you a human being.

Than these cookies in my hand ‘bout to pull the trigger

-if you called to ask about how regretful I am not.

If I could laugh you off.

If I could knock you out.

Or if I should sell all the charms that you got me or

Stop wondering why I’d wanted you to call and

Now I’m wishing you hadn’t at all.

It’s not the end of the world it’s just constipated

--A little, which stops me from loving every simple individual

That walks by saying “hello, be mine, will you?”

Still breathing the sound that having you around

shakes my very soul from the ground that should actually hold me up still

This is your wake up call only

And even though,

I’m not bitter

                                I put my hand to the pillow

                                To squeeze the thought of you sleeping

                                And think about offering you

                                                Another spin???

Everything’s ok. Everything’s alright and amazing and mediocre and being an open book perhaps has fewer benefits than I thought, nonetheless I’m unchanging. The wants are catching up with the needs and the maybes

I’m wondering if cough drops expire.

I usually care more than I sell you.

And want more from you than I tell you.

I’m tired.

Every day is different today I’m whining.

Nothing has good timing and the cop;

he was blind I wasn’t speeding.

And everything’s fine. I did my homework and minded my business and got to work on time the rent is paid the dishes aren’t washed. The person I need doesn’t love me for me. The person I lust doesn’t know how to love me. The person I like is probably reading this and the teapots whistling my favorite song.

His smile melts me like a sno cone in yellow sunshine

I’ve…replaced one vice with another

All people aren’t nice or wonderful

And I guess there’s regret but that’s behind me

Everyone’s cheating on everyone and I’m alone when I’m faithful and grounded

I want a little much but I’m not settling for any

And I don’t need expensive love but life costs more than pennies

None of it makes sense none of it makes sense

The world doesn’t owe anyone shit which is the part some people forget

But, everything’s ok. Everything’s shining diamonds.

Life is shorter than I need reminding of

Debt is the devil and sacrifice is his cousin

Stayed up half the night with worry spent most of the day in rush

His laughter is wizardry, I think I’m sunk

And I would still have fallen in love if I wasn’t drunk

…so I drowse…

And some of these feelings I won’t allow myself to

Sometimes I wish I could go back and make different choices for you

Sometimes I wish I could go back and make different choices for me

This was honey on a paper cut

There was no reason we couldn’t have agreed to disagree

And now it’s all happened life has happened. Life doesn’t go in my specific pattern or have the magic I thought it had but all I can say is I’m fine. Everything’s fine everything’s alright everything is what it is

And then silence.

He doesn’t kiss me like you

It scares me.

It scares me that you.

It scares me that you are my first thought before the tea kettle’s hot

And the last thought before candied cotton dreams

It scares me that now I picture his and hers

And that I don’t even see anyone else but yours

And that I sparkle when you call me sweetheart

And I keep waiting for you to raise your voice or blow up or over

And I keep praying that the representative is really you and not just a cover

And it scares me how neutral you are

And your off center scares me because I keep waiting for when it’s going to start hurting

It scares me when you miss a beat but you never have

And I know that everything isn’t perfect; but you still make me laugh

And it scares me that they’ll be mistakes

And it scares me that we’ll probably change a lot

And it scares me if we might have a falling out

It scares me to think of losing or good bye

Scares me to think of you lying

Scares me when you were a bit irritated last night

But everything was alright and you’re human

But it still scares me to think of our first fight

And it scares me that I know this isn’t paradise

…Because I keep thinking it might be.

And it scares me that we won’t always see eye to eye

And it scares me that I

It scares me that I

Sometimes

Wanna just run for cover

Sometimes I just wanna say never mind

Because I’m scared

I’m scared that you’re everything I’ve ever ever dreamed of

And I was scared to love you and I’m scared of being in love

And I’m scared you won’t be faithful because

There are so many beautiful women in the world

But it scares me how much I love being YOUR girl

And it scares me when you call all the time because I’ve realized

That you are my best friend even when I don’t feel like it

And it scares me that you never give up

That you keep at it; and look at me like “what?”

And it scares me that you give me all the attention I want

And it scares me the unknown…

And it scares me it really scares me that yesterday on the phone …

You said you’re scared of a home together

And it bothered me but I know better ~

But it scared me that I even thought of ever

When I know what that’s like and I said I would NEVER

I know I said I would never never never

But every second I can’t help it

This is different I feel helpless

And I’m scared and I’m restless and I’m insecure and unsure because

Nothing lasts forever

But you’re exasperatedly noteworthy

And you make me gasp and it’s worth it

And even though I’m scared the floor will fall from under me

Or you will outsmart me

And I’m scared when you whisper things in my ear

When I really really really want to hear them…

And I’m scared that I trust you with my whole heart

And I am scared that having so much trust will break me apart

Scared of the fall

And it so happens I’m

F
A
L

L

I

N

G

And it scares me that I’ve never felt in this way at all

It scares me that one day you might not be sure

And it scares me one day that you might get bored

And it scares me it scares me forever scares me so hard

…But not having your forever really scares me much more 

day 28

He taught my sunset tornadoes

One night real late after he got tired of waiting

We’d been in a six month relationship

And I kept giggling and so on

Playing games kissing his cheek sweet

I was such a goodie good girl; me.

I never lied, never cheated,

Always there when he needed

I wanted to wait a little more –

Wasn’t a virgin but still pure in a sense

And I wanted to be sure you know like sure sure

I wanted more than just more

And he taught my sunset tornadoes

With bare hands and blue bruises

Like nuclear missles were ripping my insides

My tears turned to chokes muffled

My heart wanted to get up

I asked him why was he, what was happening

He said “pretty girls get fucked so shut up”

Then he said “I love you” pushing through me

Pushing through me

And I was screaming no please, please

And in all of this distortion

Disproportionment I was disoriented

I just kept thinking

I just kept thinking

Please let me be dreaming

Please let me be dreaming

But now when I think of it

I should’ve fought harder

His smell of angry anger like a stranger’s

I was old enough to understand but still a kid

And I remember the bed was too soft for my shock to let up

His dead weight strangled my ballistics

Blood rushed to my neck

Nose burning red

There were pieces of my hair strewn across the bed

Said if I tried to fight or scream

He would make me not breathe

So in and out of passing out and pleading

I tried to think of pretty things

I tried to imagine my dreams

This is when I became fairytale I think

Pastel pinked crystal unicorns, rainbowed teddy bears’

{and I was paralyzed gasping for air}

Love. Flowers. Sunshine. Stars.

{and I was wishing I was dead I was so scared}

WHERE IN THE HELL WAS GOD THEN DAMN

I’ll tell you what’s nonsense.

The fact that since

You SHOWED up here all STAR bright blazen and twinkling all luminary

Like some loyal celebrity

I’ve been on giddy cloud 9

Lukewarm longing like you’re a pastille form of comfort

I’ve been having nightsweats that we eloped

I’ve been getting hopeful when there’s no such thing as hope

I’ve been falling in love for the most part

And I’ve been playing ditties in my car that are real pretty like the star I feel when you are with me

And I just want to hold your hand and this is

Nonsense.

Cause I’ve been hurt before again and again,

Because every relationship I had began as “just friends”

And all I wanna do is kiss your lips and high jack an asteroid to get me to your spaceship

Where we call each other darling and and delicate shit like that

And

I’ll tell you what’s nonsense,

Me believing in love that will last

Like every particle in my soul doesn’t know better than

No way

Like you won’t become a mooch in six months

Like you won’t think much of me by next summer

Like it’s not entirely possible that you love me with your eyes closed

Hoping for just as much.

I’ll tell you what’s nonsense.

Being in love with you and still feeling butterflies like a crush

Needing to talk to you when no hours are enough left

And writing epigraphs of our future and getting scared of those futures and not being prepared for those futures

That it all comes down to such pureness.

I need to quit frontin’ and change my status

I don’t want nobody else but him.  

day 26