A lot of people walking around the lobby of the hotels asking how to get stoned in Japanese. We were joined onstage by Needy Greedy and Seedy Smith from "Old as Anything". It was a tough gig as the mood was flatco in the morning but by mid afternoon the vibe picked up and we were steaming along. Four people laughed at one joke and we got 8 laughs out of another one. Some rain came and threatened to turn our cardboard sets into something like soggy Weetbix. Peter Bum le Steers had his best day onstage for 5 years and actually did some mike work. Benji got the second worst job on the tour as stage manager of Lilyworld trying to manage four needy anarchists giving conflicting instructions. The Bacardi Ballroom was chockers this year with an amazing selection of acts thanks to the hard work of Hannah and the fact that you can now at last get a decent drink at the Big Day Out.

On our day off in Sydney we took a cruise on Sydney harbour in which it was revealed by Nancy Boy Peter that his family owned most of Sydney through his families involvement with plimsoll wearing north shore villains. Finally after all these years it took Jason Mayall to figure out the greatest rock n roll swindle of all time exposing at last that Lilyworld is a neo conservative right wing ruse fostered by Duckpond as a tax dodge and a way to launder large chunks of his 'ineritance' by wasting hard earned punters money on his undeserved lifestyle and overpriced pyjamas and…

Our selfish adventures continued onto Oz with a schemozzle at the airport trying to orgnanise transport to Gold Coast from Brisbane for our 25 people Lilyworld touring party. Chris Kurisawa the Cool Wise Manager got done by the federal police for lighting up a smoke ate Briso international at the airport. Fortunately for the first time we had an actual professional tour manager Shannon hailing from Perth to sort out the mess. She quickly realised it was a bum steers and she had taken on the hardest job in the entire BDO touring with the most demanding pratts of all; she even had to dress up as Tinkerbell in the Australia Day pantomime in Sydney in which Billy Bragg starred as Captain Hook and Duckpond as Queen Victoria; which wasn't hard for him as he was brought up as a princess. But that was Sydney what happened in Gold Coast show? Cant remember as the Mullumgimpy Massive turned up and smoked the whole place out.

We had 2 days off after Gold Coast down on the banana farm near Byron in the Resin Dogs recording studio with the Cool Wise men recording amazing sounds with TanTan Thornton and nights of Marlin Sushi, Gaz's rockin cuisine and Swamp reserve chardonnay for the lifestyle needy amongst us.

January 2008 and once again the four stooges of the Lilyworld, together with a cast of dozens of actually talented personas take to the road with the vague and improbable brief of bringing mirth, bad gags and general pandemonium to the good punters of the Big Day Out, from the eastern reaches of the Tasman Sea to the Indian Ocean over a three week tour of duty. With very little planning, no responsibility and massively overinflated egos, smugness and selfishness, the four inimitable goons, set out to squeeze more mileage out of the same old tried and true Lilyworld material. As the saying goes, Same cheese, different rolls.

The first BDO of the tour took place in Auckland on a stinking hot day with 53,000 fully pimped kiwi punters. Unfortunately Larry, Duckpond, Christo and Heavy G had been out the night before with our biggest celebrity guest acts ever, Lady Saw, Jazz Mayall and the Cool Wise Boys, got absolutely hammered, Heavy G did a wee in Lady Saws dressing room, and we were all so hungover we forgot the script and had to adlib all day.

Luckily we had the legendary TanTan Thornton up and belting out original rocksteady tunes all the way from Spanishtown jamaica with Gaz and later the Cool Wise Men, a 11 piece Ska act from Japan that made us look good. Gaz asphyxiated the whole area by seeting off a fire extinguisher and giving most of the horn section asthma.

Meanwhile onstage the legendary Tucker blew everyone's minds with his virtuouso high energy multi instumental extravaganza. Bill Bragg, The Turnaround Crew and the Fat Freddies boys all came down to party with us with more smoke and fire than ash Wednesday and later Fergie, in town for the Police tour, came down to say hi to her favourite pyjama goons.

Grass, trees, tunes, and not a flag in sight. Must be in Melbourne. Thanks to everyone who came down and made the lilyworld melbourne such a rockin success, smiles, sucnshine, cheap jokes, full house and no aggro all day long. As usual King kapisi the gentle kiwi hip hop brother set the mood early in the day.

It was affras birthday and the whole peaches crew came down to sing him happy birthday during their set and sink champagne.

The appearance of Kenny our knight in shining overalls was a godsend as our toilet kept clogging up from all the rack shits. Yes Kenny came out to judge a passhing competition. There were so many chicks onstage pashing each other we decided to make it a pash off!!!! A lez-off in fact. Well once that happened there was no turning back. Inside the clubtainer we had a nude in where the whole clubtainer was full of nudies!! even shagging. How disgusting. Where do you go after that? To the rider of course! Cant remember what happened after that…

Big ups to danny Schwartz for the most incredible big day out after party of em all, on top of a skyscraper overlooking the city with 200 lucky rockgods, cheap hangers on, crossdressers, and general boogiee people. Amazing penthouse, party tunes comps of diplo and chris spankrock, 80 bottles of vodka, tequila, 20 crates of champagne etc. the police came due to the sound which they said could be heard on the other side of the city. So we moved the decks inside and the party amped up another phase. But then Dannys brother came in at 5am and did a msssive flare on danny for the sound next door!!!! Still the party didn't finish until 9am. Aaaaaaah budddaaaay!!!!!

Let your freak flag fly!!!

Flags flags flags. Let your freak flag fly! Before the tour, Lilyworld went into a flag shop and bought 80 flags from different countries, plus a few peace signs smileys and pot leaf flags, chopped them up and stitched them together, now proudly flying over the autonomous republic of planet lilyworld!!! (Could never understand why punters would want to do what the politicians tell them to do(wear the flag), especially when theres someone elses flag in the top corner!!! Haha what a joke!)

Anyway who gives a shit, back to the show. The vibe in Sydney was a bit flatco early but a few cheap physical gags got the mood swinging and picked up by the time the jah messenger luciano got onstage. If you could see him behind the trumpet smoke that is. Then pear shaped productions kicked in. Thousands of punters came flooding into the area to see Schneeky Sounds, before we knew it the place was rammed and still they came. Well naturally we thought they were there for us! Then they started jumping the fence, ripping down the flagpoles climbing up every lighttruss, crawling al over the container and generally trashing the joint.

Schneekys did about 2 songs then larry jumped in and did a public flare to tell em to get off the $60,000 solar power rig on the clubtainer. Larry braved the crowd to get em off the clubtainer and got his mumu ripped off. Then ken west and head of security told us to shut down the stage. The sneaky sound station left the area, but duckpond didn't. every time he went on stage they went beserk. This produced a massive flare from jeff and larry. Still he went on monged out in his pyjamas and twied to talk to his people (bare shirted bogans waving flags chanting "bullshit" not really lilyworld people at all!).

Meanwhile we could see the icecream van with the firehouse crew inside, the crowd were crawling all over and riding on top. They smashed the windscreen and ripped off all the teddy bears! Oh dear, we are in a war zone!!!

Finally we were all huddled backstage in our first lilyworld siege! Very exciting! But very peasr shaped and flare shaped! Keith Flint had gone to the hothouse stage with his girl megabitchi and the disgusting crowd was grabbing her on the way back. Keith was flaring for the lack of respect and then did a megaflare on a bystanding girl who unwisely snickered. Then Larry flared at Ducky for continuing to go onstage and encourage the rioters. Then Johnny Cooper arrived and flared at duckpond for not looking after Ricky as promised There were more flares than new years eve!

Once the crowd had dissipated we were left with the lovely lilysouls, it was back to the jokes and tunes. Johnny Clark did his best set yet, with fire in his belly from his earlier flare! It was his 58th birthday and the punters sang 'appy birfday to 'im. Heavy Flint show went off, a journey with a beginning a middle and an end and then another beginning, and lots of gags and dancing on stage. Including Johnny Clark prancing around in a Christmas tree!!!! The show went ballistic at the end with a rockin party set from our guest dj Chris from Spank Rock. Check the forthcoming dvd to see it all!

GOLD COAST SHOW

Went off with a massive bomb all day long non stop party tricks. There were more outfit changes than fourex cans, even the monged out goldie sunburnt goofballs laughed at a couple of our jokes. There was a christmas tree running around impersonating christo. Duckys dream never materialised as the ice cream van sat there allday without being used. Ricky Trooper arrived from Jamaica and the Luciano experience blew everyone away, Ricky later complained that the girls couldn't see him properly in the shack too far away. The other Ricky, from Manchester, tried to nick my top hat and gold rimmed pimp googles. God these accents are getting confusing.

The bar scene was rocking all day in MONDO EXOTICA with heavy gee and chrissy doing an old school set in mondo exotica. Check it out this is brilliant the big day out finally has its own cocktail bar and cabaret right here in lilyworld. …

When sneaky sound system played there was a riot with 10,000 punters trying to git in; they even tried to rip the fences out. That guy that looks like barry gibb from the beegees tried to rip larries undies off but enjoyed lying on stage staring up at a pair of knickrs on a couple of chicks. Kenny from the movie turned up and drank most of the rider without actually fixing the dunneys. The heavy flint show went off, a real journey with a sound clash between an essex accent and an east st kilda one. Still no sign of Aussie Greg!!!

But the real news of the day, the really big scoop, no, it wasn't the flags nonsense, it was the terrible news that ducky got bitten by a bullant and had to be carted off to hospital. It even made the gold coast times!!!

Never a truer word spoken from the new Zealand hero Slave on BFM that lilypad now turned to lilyworld the spiritual centre of the big day out. Whatever that shit means. Jah messenger Luciano now heading to gooooold coooooast followed by smug cynical laughter with gaps between each laugh. Johnnie cooper clarks manky accent comfortably backed up by aaaar kid ricky also from the mank near moss side definitely setting the standard for fake accents already on day one.

Duckpond so confused by the combination of rasta Manchester and kiwi accents with a splash of cockney skinner street lingo, throw in some of the biggest jah trumpets and everythings goin pear shaped aaaar kid, I mean brethren I mean bro, I don't know what I mean , know what I mean innit, nw 10.

Lets get down to the reggae, be glad to inform you all that the amazing man has brought no fakes this year. We have got the real deal, the original jah messenger luciano and the real voice of mikey general. Blessed be kids! Throw in the sophisticated outfits of mr Copeland and there you have it. The amazing moment where Johnny clark rapped to the human drain pipe "just one guy" mike silversmith. And aaaah mean, juuuuuz one gaaaah!!!! Brilliant.

Peter le Steerponds pear shaped tour management:

1) Ricky trooper lost in transit somewhere between dubai and trenchtown
2) Rastas unable to take shuttle to the gig as peter forgot to tell them
3) Ducky realising after sucking a huge blunt that he doesn't actually do weed and turned blue and went to bed early. First time ever in 13 years peter (sorry Duckpond)went to bed before 3 am
4) Ringing the clark brothers with 2 minutes notice that the airport shuttle was about to leave
5) Saying all this without a Manchester accent!