"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. "

~From the television show The Wonder Years

(Warning: I ramble more then usual in this one.)

It’s really the end of a relationship that never really had a start.

I poured my heart out and never got the sight of emotions back, sometimes I stay up and wonder if he has a heart. He does, I’m sure of it. I caught little glimpses of it every so often. I guess there’s really nothing to be sad about in the end, I tried my best to make whatever it was that we had, work. I’m just not what he was looking for, but that doesn’t mean that I had any else to offer then someone else, all that it means is that I don’t have what he’s looking for.

He still wants to be friends, but I don’t see how it will work because if he didn’t make an effort during our relationship, what effort will he bring to a friendship? I’m willing to give our friendship a try (he has been in my life for almost 4 years, so why not?), but I will NOT be hurt again. I will not be his safety net because I’m better then that and I deserve to feel wanted and loved. And I will not be thrown aside when whoever he dates in the future asks him to make a choice. So we will see how the friendship thing works out.

He told me that he likes someone else and it's hard to find someone that you really like and that you feel is the right person for you, so I feel happy for him that he found someone that fits he's needs, but I can't help but feel sad for me.

The three lessons I learned from this relationship are:

- Timing is everything, who knows where we would be if our timing was right. If you have an opportunity, take it when it comes around because it hard to get it back.

- Don’t make excuses for a guy; they never settle for anything less then what they want, so why should you?

- Follow your heart, if you don’t feel something is right, it’s because it’s not.

In the end I think you might be allowed only a certain number of tears for someone, and it seems like I ran out of tears for him. I can't cry anymore when I think of him. I don't want to think about it, but I do. I'm numb now and that's the only thing I know how to be at this time. No anger, no joy, no hate, no love, no curiosity, no remorse, no clear thoughts or emotions. I'm left with absolutely nothing.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

- Rumi

As I read this quote I thought of him, then myself, then us. We all have issues with love, weather it's because we can't open ourselves up to the idea or because we don't know how.

Love is a simple concept, but it's very complex to understand. We find ourselves having a deep desire to love something or someone, but we struggle to actually do so. We struggle to find the job we love and that we are passionate about. We struggle to figure out weather our partners are worthy of our love. We struggle to find friends who we can whole heartedly trust in. We even struggle to find love for ourselves. Are we just destined to have this enigma of what true love is, how it should feel, and who we should share it with?

I guess the point of this blog is to say that we aren't alone with the complexity of love. Everyday we live teachs us something new, weather it's a positive lesson or a negative one depends on the day.

I'm scared, just like everyone else, I'm scared to get hurt but I've learned that, that can't keep me from opening myself up again and I wish for the person reading this, that you'll open yourself too. Here is to love and all of it's craziness.

The orginal blog was kept private because it was meant to be a test of how drunk I was when I wrote it. At the time I was typing I was already sobering up so everthing made sense when I read it the next day.

The blog that was orginally here is basically what you read in 'What I want him to know" except a lot shorter. Hey, I think the idea of drunk blogging was way better then drunk calling and going to see him to tell him how I felt. (I did drunk call someone and I did try to see him, but thankfully my attempt failed.) 

This song basically says what I was feeling at the time (and maybe a little now);

Here are the lyrics:

Unlovable - Darren Hayes

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Am I unlovable?

Cynical, jaded, faithless, disappointed, disillusioned, used
If I could take back all my sweat, my tears, my sex, my joy I would
My time, my love, my effort, passion, dedication
In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you
If I sound angry, bitter, sad, infatuated, it's the truth
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few
Stages of acceptance that it's really over
It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog
I wasn't armoured, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then
For just a moment I romanticised the notion
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

Are my lips unkissable?
Are my eyes unlookable?
Is my sex undoable?
Am I unlovable?
Are my words unlistenable?
Are my hands untouchable?
Am I undesirable?
Am I unlovable?

You make me feel like my father never loved me
You make me feel like the act of love is empty
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?

You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my heart unbreakable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise?

You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like my mother, she abandoned me (you abandoned me)

I don't set my blogs to private, so if you  see a blog that is marked private I'm most likey editing it. Hopefully you check back later to read it or you send me a message to let me know. Thanks -LB

            Classification, classification, classification,. Why is there always a need to classify people?

            As many people know I'm an Agnostic and I'm proud to have that title. I'm always hearing; "Laura, you should find God" "Laura, try going to my church, you'll like it." "Laura, you need to go to church to save your soul." Well, while others need to intrude in my beliefs without knowing why I think that way, has always bugged me, now it's just pissing me off.

            Religions have always played a big factor in relationships but how can you classify someone under a title without knowing exactly what their stance is on stuff? For example, can a Muslim be a Muslim if they drink on occasion? Or a Christian, a Christian if they beat their wife. When do we start to see people as individuals instead of as part of a group?

            So how much of a fact, does religion count when you're looking for a relationship? If a guy is standoffish because of the fact that I'm Agnostic or because they don't have the balls to ask me exactly what my beliefs are, then that's their problem. So why does it bug me that a guy, who practically lied about how much be was involved in his church, was turned off by the fact that I am Agnostic. I guess it's the fact that I've known him for three fucking years and he has never mentioned anything about my religion or his. It's like I'm being punished for being myself, but without knowing that it's counting against me. Can someone please stop trying to classify me? Well, I guess the search continues.