There was a time when I was able to laugh without hesitation, smile just because and enjoy each day for no reason at all. That was before an unhappy marriage and an ugly divorce that soon followed leaving me with sole responsibility of 3 children all still in diapers.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />....
I did experience a few happy years during following my divorce until my ex-husband re-entered the picture and shook things up; including playing a major role in destroying a beautiful relationship with a wonderful man that I was involved. After the demise of that relationship I vowed to myself and to put my love life on hold until the kids were grown and I no longer had to deal with my ex-husband.....
Even though I longed for someone to share my life with I continued to keep the promise I had made to myself for several years. During this time I added to more additions to the family; first Lola then Lizzy our two adorable Min-Pins and they were and continue to be a vital part in my physical, mental and emotional well being. They served filling the gap in my life as a single mother and a single person with virtually a non-existent support system to rely on.....
Then the unthinkable happened and my dad’s cancer took an unexpected and sudden turn for the worse in June 2003. Two months later I found myself sitting in a church full of people with standing room only listening to the minister speak fondly of my dad as I stared at his casket. My heart was aching, my mind was numb and my eyes remained dry even during the 350 mile drive back to Seattle from my home town in Idaho.....
When I returned home to Seattle I picked up where I left off before dad died and threw myself into work and family so I wouldn’t have to think about dad no longer being with us. I was proud of myself for continuing to hold myself together and gave some credit to the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication I started when I first found out dad wasn’t doing well. Later I would come to realize that there is no pill in any amount that treats the loss of losing someone you love or treats grief. ....
From September 20003 to the end of November 2003 I continued to lead as normal life as possible until November 29, 2003 my 31st birthday and I sat alone in my apartment without one phone call from family or friends wishing me a happy birthday. About 3 o’clock that afternoon I lost all emotional control and tears starting gushing from my eyes down my cheeks onto the pillow I rested my head on while laying on the floor curled up in a fetal position on the living room floor rocking myself back and forth. ....
That was the moment it first really hit me that dad was gone because dad would have never forgot to call me on my birthday. He couldn’t sing but that didn’t stop him from calling me on my birthday every year and singing “Happy Birthday to You” over the phone in his loud tone deaf voice. The numbness that had been hovering like a thick fog over my mind had been lifted and the reality of his death had finally hit me and it hit me hard and strong. ....
The only gift that year for my birthday was un-wrapping the grief from the loss of my dad three months earlier. I thought for a long time that it was on my birthday that year I began to actually start grieving the loss of my dad but now I know I was wrong. The day I began to grieve was the day he died as I held his hand telling him I loved him and that it was ok to let go. I put my head on his chest listening to his heart beat as he struggled to breath until he began taking those last deep gasping breaths of life. Then he was gone and I was thrown into denial from the shock of his death.....
Shortly after that my life changed dramatically I couldn’t eat or sleep and my moods would fluctuate from euphoria to sadness. Sometimes I would begin crying out of the blue during a conversation with a friend or co-worker. The crying didn’t stop there and I can’t recall how many months or maybe years I cried myself to sleep. ....
I then broke the vow I made to myself and began to have a life outside work and home. The first thing I did was having a drink and socializing with others at a local bar. That only lasted for a few months then I started spending time with my neighbors and became especially interested in one in particular. ....
He was hard working man who had the same favorite past time as my dad and that was fishing. He was 18 years older than me and even with several gray hairs I was attracted to him. My mind told me the similarities between him and my dad meant he came into my life for a reason and I thought I would be with him forever. Nothing significant ever evolved from our short relationship and now I can look back and see the unhealthy aspect of being involved with him. ....
Eventually I sought psychiatric treatment at the urging of friends and my employer. I was started on new medications and when they didn’t help I was started another new combination and this continued for six to nine months before they decided to diagnose me. ....
Now I had something else to cope with and that was a mental illness called Bi-Polar Disorder. To this day I still continue with various medication cocktails prescribed by doctors to help but so far nothing has really ever worked. The only thing that helped was struggling to accept that I was mentally ill and dealing with the stigma associated with it. That at least took my mind off my dad being gone for awhile.....
During the next two to three years I slowly became more and more sad and depressed and withdrew from society outside work and day to day necessary activities such as grocery shopping. Eventually I even found ways to limit any unnecessary time away from home. Dinner was provided by pizza and Chinese delivery service and socialization was provided by the internet and books. I became a hermit and developed a good case of social anxiety when I had to go out. I began to sleep for hours on the weekends unless I was going through one on my periods of severe insomnia.....
Three years ago I started to step outside my home again and met some new people. Most of the people I have met over the past few years I am no longer in touch with. I am still pretty much a loner and social idiot but I am brave enough to at least be open to and attempt to meet new people. Somehow I went from being a happy vibrant person to a sad and depressed person who sees the majority of days as a struggle to get through.....
The doctors call my illness Bi-Polar Disorder but I call my illness grief either way I over time I have accepted the fact that I may live the rest of my life with this illness. I have gone through the majority of stages of the grieving process the exception of acceptance and I wonder and often doubt if I ever will get there.....
Two days before my birthday in 2007 I lost my mom from complications of leukemia. I cried at her funeral and grieved her death for the next few months and even achieved acceptance. After my dad died my mom was never the same. Like me she was never able to come to terms of accepting my dad’s death. When dad died in some sense she died. She lost the only man she ever new and along with that she lost the hopes and dreams of the life they had planned because dad died a year before he was to retire. When she died she was where she wanted to be and that was with dad.....
My grief from dad’s death is no longer focused on my loss but the losses of my dad. The loss of traveling and seeing parts of the world he worked hard and saved for. The loss of feeling his fishing poll as a trout is struggling on the hook. The loss of not giving away a Christmas tree to a family in need from the trees he planted years earlier. The loss of never knowing five of his grandchildren. The loss of not seeing his other six grandchildren grow-up. The loss of not seeing his children grow-up into mature successful adults. The loss of living the life he worked so hard for.....
I loved him when he was alive and I still love him in death. How can I ever accept his death when there will never be a loss of my love for him?....
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