You know, there are so many things that need to come with warning labels.. Like falling in love with someone who is in the military. Everyone warned me about how hard it was going to be, being with him knowing that he was going to be deployed out to Iraq. But I didn't know just how hard. I told myself that I was strong, and that I was going to be okay. I thought that a phone call once a week would be more than enough to keep my spirits up. Boy I was way off.

Before he left, I lived with him. I got used to being able to see him every day, lay in his arms every night, and was comforted knowing that  should I be away from him, all I had to do was pick up the phone and call and everything was going to be okay. But no one tells you all the bad things. I took all those things for granted because it never occoured to me that they could be taken away. I never realized how lucky I was getting to lay next to him in bed every night. I thought, well I went 19 yrs sleeping on my own, how hard will it be to go back to that for a little while?

I didn't realize how lonely it would be without him here. No one told me that time seems to slow down, and the days seem to drag on forever. It's heartbreaking to wake up in the morning, and have a great dream, and when you roll over to tell him about it, he's not there. I took for granted knowing that I could call and talk to him whenever he wasn't with me. Now I wait by the phone, hoping to see his number pop up on the caller ID. I feel like crying every time I see I've missed a call from him because I know that means I missed my chance and I have to wait a whole week before I can talk to him again. I can't hold him, I can't kiss him, I can't do anything, and those phone calls are all I have. I can't tell him about a good or bad day I had at work when I get home. I can't curl up and relax and watch a movie with him. I don't have him there to tell me that everything is going to be okay when things feel like they're all going wrong.

But I do have to say that this is a learning process for me. I've learned to appreciate every "I love you" that he says.. and every e-mail that I get.. I used to think that I was so tough before... I was the one who was level headed and calm in the most hectic situations.. But now I feel like I am barely hanging on. I need those calls- hear his voice telling me that everything is gonna be okay, even from half way around the world. I've never felt so helpless and dependent on something that I used to think was insignificant and unimportant. All those things I took for granted.. Now I have my phone on me constantly. I check my e-mail twice or three times a day, just to make sure I don't miss anything because I don't know if or when it will happen again.

But I have made it three months so far, with tonight and only a few others being this difficult... People tell me that I am handling this better than they ever would. They say they wish they were as strong as I am.. But if I am so strong, why do I feel so helpless?

They really are great.. I can write whatever I want, and no one reads it, so its fantastic! for all my friends know, I could be talking about them all kinds, and they wouldn't have a clue =)

Anyway, back to why I wanted to write one. I looked back at my past blogs, and I realize all the shitty stuff that's happened in the past. As I read, all those events came back to me, but I wouldn't have remembered them otherwise. Isn't it funny how after a while, you lose focus on all the bad things and forget about them, and only focus on what really matters?

I complained a LOT about my love life in past blogs.. But I wish I would have known about all the great things that really do happen to those who wait. Before, I would be so jealous of my friends finding the perfect relationships while I would be single for months on end. But now, I am happy, and completely in love with the single most wonderful man on the planet. Before I met him, I had my "two month" streak going .. I met Kerry, every guy I dated before him for like a year and a half, the relationship only lasted two months or less. A few even ended on the two month mark. And I was always the one to end it. I couldn't find someone who met the standards I had set in my head.

I always told myself I wanted someone taller than me. Someone who had a professional job, someone who didn't drink or smoke, someone who had a car and house of their own... I wanted a guy who would remember my birthday and our anniversaries, and remember the little things that mean a lot to me. And obviously, no guy ever met all of those standards. Damn I was picky.

But then I met Kerry.. I actually owe it all to my friend Cat, since she's the one who introduced us in the first place. Normally the guys she introduces me to are really creepy, and I was against going to the bar to meet this new guy. But she insisted that he was different, so after like 2 hours of convincing, I went to go meet him. When I first met him, I didn't know what to think. He was already drunk, and I thought, ugh. strike number one. A few min into the conversation, he said he was going out for a smoke break. Strike number two. I wasn't sure why I was there to begin with.. She knew I didnt like those two qualities, so I figured she wanted me to do her a favor and keep him busy while she did who knows what with his roomate. Or did she have some weird ESP thing that told her that he was a good match for me.. I don't know, but I owe her one.

After meeting him, I didn't see a lot of qualities in him that I was fond of, but he had a huge advantage- He could make me laugh like no one else I've met. Two hours into the convo, he's totally drunk but I am crying from how hard he's making me laugh. And a good sense a humor trumps a few bad habits any day. I ended up taking him home, since he didn't live far from the bar, and ended up staying the night. Not to do what you think, but just to keep him company. And wow, what an eventful night! I learned a lot about him once we got back lol. He talked for a good three and a half hours straight about everything and nothing, and then fell asleep on top of me, leaving me in the most akward position between him and the bedroom wall. I can definately say that the night of August 27th, 2007 is a day I probably won't ever forget.

But the better I got to know him, the more I realized how off my expectations in a man were. I thought I wanted all these things, and found myself falling for a man that posessed maybe one or two of my requirements. It turns out that you can't really predict the type of person you want to fall in love with.. You just need to let it come to you. If I was so dead set on finding a man with all the qualities I thought I wanted, I would have lost the best thing that has ever happened in my life, and I don't think I ever would have found my dream man. Because that's exactly what he was- the man made in my dreams. But now, the man of my dreams has turned into the man in my dreams. I had no idea what a powerful feeling love was, and how it affected your overall demeanor. Since I've met Kerry, I am just so much happier. More spontaneous. And so much more kick back and relaxed. I am so much more comfortable with myself. He doesn't even know it, but he has given me an internal makeover. He makes me feel special, beautiful, and loved. He makes me strive to do better, to go after the things I really want and not just the things that are easy to get. Isn't it funny how meeting one person can change you so much?

After I met kerry, I didn't know what was going to happen. I had no idea that 9 months later, I would be this happy with him, and this worried about him, this scared for him, and this much in love with him. I envied all my friends that seemed to have the picture perfect relationship, But as time went on, I got mine too. So now I don't feel bad about never telling certain people that I liked them as more than a friend. Things work out certain ways for a reason, and those other people.. I just wasn't meant to have the balls to confess my feelings for them. I was meant to wait, cuz the greatest guy of them all was right across the freeway from me, and it was only a matter of time till I guess I was.. ready to meet him. They say Karma can be a bitch, but you only get what you give, so I must be on someone's good side out there....

So the past couple days have really fucking sucked. I hate my job, it's thankless, no one takes me seriously because I deliver pizzas. Fuck everyone who thinks I am just a stoner who works there to get free food and get money for bud. You know what, just fuck everyone who thinks I am a worthless teenager.

I hate my bosses because they are fucking stupid. Jesus christ, if you are going to be the manager of a place, learn fucking english!! So 95% of your employees are mexican and they don't know english... The customers know english, some of your employees only know english, so you should know it too!! And because of them, I have to miss my friend's birthday party, cuz they have me working the stupidest hours.

And to all my female friends who have great relationships and are just ohhh so happy....
 STOP RUBBING IT IN!!! Yes I realize I am the only single one left, so I don't need you rubbing in it my face that you're all happy and in love and all that other bullshit while I am stuck at home writing stupid shit like this! I am tired of all my friends having met the perfect guys, while the only guys I seem to meet are great as friends, but are so fucking scared of committment that it's not even funny. Or I meet all the guys who are like, well I have so many girls after me, how about we just sleep together and call it even? You cocky asshole sons of bitches!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!! You aren't that goddamn popular, and if your fucking head gets any bigger you won't be able to fit through the doorway! Stupid cocksuckers.

I am tired of always being the cool, calm, relaxed one. I am tired of always being the coolest best friend. I am tired of being the little sister you never had. I don't want to be just one of the guys anymore. Yeah, it's cool, we can still hang out with the guys and do whatever. But am I really asking too much when I ask you to hold my hand in public, or just relax and watch a movie with me? or kiss me on the forehead? or even just ask me how my day went? I don't think it's too much... But then again this goes back to the big scary "C" word.... shhh... "committment" OH MY GOD I SAID IT!! Just because one girl in your past treated you like shit or was too stupid to see what a great thing she had, doesn't mean the rest of us are all going to be like that. I absolutely hate it when guys hold one girl's mistakes against all the rest of us...

So... It's july 4th. Yay for celebrating the nation's independence, and also the day I celebrate my birthday. But why would I think today would be any different?

I was looking forward to today because I had a little party planned. I invited friends over, my family was BBQing, and we would all hang out, have a good dinner, then go up to the college and watch a fireworks show.

Misfortune # 1:
I had to work today. Only a 5 hr shift, from 11-4. Not bad. I figured they would let me go home early if it wasn't busy. No, they sent everyone else home except for me and one other. And we got a huge amount of orders, so we were all over the place. Then, on my way back to the restaurant, I run out of gas and had to push my car to the gas station. Luckily it wasn't too far away. Thank you to all the assholes that honked at me and told me to get out of the way rather than helping me get my car in to the station. I appreciated it.

So, finally work was over. I get home, and thank goodness no one was at my house yet to see how terrible I looked, since I was exhausted and really pissed still. So I hop in the shower. Showers make everything all better. So I get out, get all cleaned up, and head downstairs. Some of my parents' friends were over, which was cool.

But then comes Misfortune #2:
None of my friends showed up. A few of my brother's friends showed up, so we had a house full of people, but not one person that I invited showed up.  That got my pretty upset, since a few promised they would be here. So at like 7:30 I head upstairs to my room to mess around on my computer for a little while. At 8:30, I laid down on my bed with the light off. I had a headache and just wanted to lay there.

Misfortune #3:
Sometime shortly after I closed my eyes, I guess my mom came in my room to check on me. She assumed I was asleep and went back downstairs. I heard fireworks going off since my window was open, so I went downstairs to see why no one was going to see the fireworks show. But once I was downstairs, the only people at home were my parents. My brother, his girlfriend, and their friends all went to golf n' stuff and didn't ask if I wanted to go.

Now I had been wanting to do something to get out of the house ever since I realized that none of my friends were coming over, but I didn't know what to do since I had no one to go with. And then when I finally go check to see why we hadn't gone to the fireworks yet, I find that everyone else is already gone, off doing something fun, while I am still at the house.

So, a recap of the day. I had a shitty day at work, complete with shitty tips and the dumbest people in ventura, all my friends bailed on me, and my brother didn't even invite me to go out with them until AFTER I thanked them for not telling me they were going out. With an eventful day like today, it's only 9:45 and I am already off to bed. Happy birthday to me.

Okay, so I am back in the same predicament as in my last blog. Same guy, same rediculous feelings, new heartbreak.

So we hang out yesterday. There was like 7 of us. He walks away for a minute, I start talking to one of his friends, and I let it slip how long I've been in love with him. Stupid me. So of course, she says something to him. That night, he won't stop bugging me about what is on my mind. Yuck. Do I tell him? Is it worth it? I don't know.

Finally I decide that after 12 years, it's time to finally say something. I wasn't going to say anything until I left, so it would be that much easier for me to get it out and then go home. Simple, right? Of course not.

Before I even start to get ready to go home, he pretty much guesses what's on my mind. So no hiding it now. I spill my guts. I throw it all out on the table, leaving not one thing out. What happens next? He says he's felt the same way. Both of us, for 12 years, couldn't say shit to one another- until now. What next? Get in my car and go home? Yeah right. That would be way too easy.

Before anything of this sort came up, I already knew he has a girlfriend right now. I didn't expect him to leave her for me, then it would be too much of a cheezy soap opera and I can't handle that much drama. But I knew she has a bit of influence over him, so I didn't want to say anything at all. Too late for that, now isn't it? All I wanted to do was tell him, get it off my chest, get it over with, and then just go back to the way things were. Yeah right.

After all of this being said.. All he says is "someday". Some day, me and him. Someday, but not right now. Not right now because to him, he isn't worth all the shit I've been going through. No matter what I said, he wouldn't look at it from my point of view. Boys are so stubborn. Anyway, by this point, I can't help it. I'm crying. I tried so hard to hold it back, but I just couldn't.

But knowing that things didn't go the way that I had hoped.. That isn't what hurt. What hurt the most was hearing him apologize, and seeing tears falling over his cheeks. Seeing that hurt more than anything he could have ever said to me. A pain like that can't even be described. All I know is that it hurt so much more than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. And the only reason he was crying at all was because he knew what he was and had been doing to me all along.

Back to the girlfriend. I don't care that he has one and that it isn't me. I could go on for the rest of my life being so completely in love with him and never having him, and still be okay, simply because I know that she is there doing all the things that I can't to make him happy. Knowing that he is happy is enough for me. So, I guess in the end it was all worth it... I hope.

This is me going crazy.
I can't look at his pictures.
The sound of his voice drives me crazy.
I get distracted at work because I am thinking about him.
I don't want to listen to music anymore because the songs remind me of him.
I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about him.
When I do sleep, I dream of him.
(obsessive much?)
I think of things that will probably never happen.
I replay all the things that did happen over and over again.
I hate reality because the day dreams are so much better.
I hate that I can't be with him.
I hate that I will never be with him.
(at least I highly doubt it)
I hate that I never got inspiration for art until him.
I feel so dumb because I can't forget him.
I think I am going to die because my heart skips beats every time I see or hear something that makes me think of him.
I hate how I feel so helpless in the entire matter.
I hate that he'll probably never read this and never know what's going on.
He takes away all the strength and bravery I ever had, but I've never been so whole and comfortable around anyone else.
I hate that I let my guard down around him.
What the fuck is wrong with me!? 

Written by: Smitty19 on bangme.net

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough (sorry im a fatt ass)
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not an asshole

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just fuck you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy


I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can ever do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That i cared

I'm sorry,
I called looking for you concerned when you never came home to see if everything was ok, and you never picked up your phone.

I'm sorry,
That I thought sex can wait till after marriage, and then you went out and got pregnant.

I'm sorry,
For treating you like a queen, but how come i didn't feel like a king.

I'm sorry
That you won't be able to read this...