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Hedgehog

Hedge Hog


Last Updated: 11/5/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 36
Sign: Capricorn

City: South Of Heaven
State: Massachusetts
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/4/2006

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Sunday, November 08, 2009 

Current mood:  amused
A client of a hospital where they make brain transplantations asks about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a top scientist at NASA and it costs $20,000, and here we have Sarah Palin's brain. It costs Two Million Dollars."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

This is a true story. There is a woman who has a birth defect and because of this defect she has two separate vaginas and two separate menstrual cycles. Too much of a good thing! I am unsure about her story, it has a lot of holes in it.

I am watching the Giants game and one of those “Go Daddy” ads came on. Aren’t those the most annoying and stupid ads ever?! And I am a dude, I love women selling things.

This is a true story. My ex-wife is one of those women who thinks that she was being oppressed during her marriage, here is the way that she was being oppressed, put down, whatever.  She didn’t properly close down some web pages and there was a letter from her to another man where she discussed blowing him and masturbating in her office. When I asked her about it, she said, “I didn’t really blow him, I was fantasizing about blowing him!”

I know! I just didn’t get it! I have a weird view of marriage!  The pig thought that I was in the wrong for looking at my wife’s web page. That is one oppressed woman! I even raised my voice! Aint I a dick ladies?! If I had a dime for every wrong thing that pig did to me, I’d be a millionaire!

I don’t think that my ex understands that there are women who are abused for no reason. She didn’t even get a slap for that! I know! Boo fucking hoo.

The best part is, her boyfriend will not be with her because she is just too fat and ugly. But I married her because I am not shallow. Now did I get any credit for that? Nope. She never put any work into the marriage. At least I tried. That was the biggest mistake of my life. No doubt.

Do crematoriums give half off to burn victims?
10:00 PM 
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Friday, November 06, 2009 
Three men are going through CIA training. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.

They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your newly wedded wife!"

The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail, so get out."

The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your newly wedded wife!" The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail, so get out."

Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshots, followed by a huge commotion in the room.

The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."

I read this news report on these fifteen your old boys in Florida (the CRAZY State !!!) who set this other boy on fire, because he told the police one of them stole his dads bike.

So, there is a teenage boy in intensive care with burns on 65% of his body, on a respirator for the last month, because these other kids were tough! Now, if one of these kids were my cell mate, I would say, “You know, I’m not even attracted to men, but I’m gonna rape you!”

These middle class kids listen to rap, and see films, and they are taught that if you are disrespected you have to kill the person who disrespects you. Riiiiiiiight!! I will walk up to any rapper and give him a big ole’ bitch slap! Slap, slap slap!!! Now is he going to kill me? Hell no! Only in the movies.

That reminds me (yet again) of the man who went into a 7/11, or some such, and shot the teller in the face with a pellet gun. When he was arrested he said he did this to add street cred for his “rapping career”. Yeah, his name in jail is going to be “Rapey McRaped-A lot”.

I have to write a bunch of papers for my classes. I hate writing for class. It would be ok if they gave you some artistic license, but NO! It is the same fucking formula that you have to write in since kindergarten. I wrote on the back of my midterm, “Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal looks to the other and asks, ’Does this taste funny to you?’” I didn’t get any extra credit. I should have gotten a point!

Tuesday I was twenty minutes late for my first class. The professor looks at me and says, “Right on time!” Then he chews me out! I could see if I interrupted his class but everyone was broken up into groups for casework. He was all, “Where were you?” and I was, “I was looking for a parking spot.” And I was thinking, “Dude if you raise your voice to me one more fucking time, I’m going to be drinking wine out of your fucking skull!” That is where I am going to fucking be, dude!

Then yesterday I’m walking to his class thinking that if he raises his voice I cannot hit him. I have to tell myself that. Women do not get how life works for men. If I am in a grocery store and there is an old lady with a shopping cart, I’m screwed. We all are, because she isn’t moving! Now a man knows that if he doesn’t move, he may get hit! Smack, smack, smack! Women will sit there all day! They ain’t gonna get hit! But we men know the rules with other men!

I found myself entering the word “escorts” into a search engine yesterday. Why? How many times do you think I “saw” my girlfriend in the last month? NONE! She is busy and working! And to be honest, things are starting to back up! If I don’t see her soon, I’m gonna fuck this couch!
　
8:04 PM 
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Thursday, November 05, 2009 

Current mood:  tired
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so sexy?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Did anyone see Barack Obama’s half brother, Tomma Obama or Momma Obama or Llama Obama, something like that, he said that their father used to beat him. Figures. That dude needs to chill and be a calma Obama! We don’t need all that drama Obama!

That Miss California who was all “anti-gay-marriage” the one with the big, angry, plastic titties, well she has a sex tape out. Yeah, Ms. Family Values has a sex tape. In her defense, it’s not “gay” though.

I have insomnia and I cannot sleep. I fucking hate insomnia. I have class in a few hours. I hate class. Come to think of it... I think I hate just about everything.

I was bored this afternoon so I took a picture of my … with my cell phone and I sent it to a female friend (not like she hasn’t seen it) but she (I could have swore) gave me a different spelling for that email and I sent it to the wrong address! I know! Someone has a picture of my dork! I’m joking! (No, I’m NOT!)
9:33 AM 
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Tuesday, November 03, 2009 

 

A Parisian, a Londoner and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Parisian says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Parisian says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Londoner says, "A pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Londoner points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over. The chief is appalled and asks, "What are you doing?" The New Yorker responds, "So much for your fucking canoe!”



I cooked baked Basa (Pacific fish) on a bed of rice, baked potato, corn.  I also baked an apple pie (made with Splenda, no sugar added).

Kids today are pissing me off. Yes, I am becoming one of “those” old guys. Well, when I was a kid, when the power went out, we played with a flashlight! That was fun! High-tech shit for girls was a doll that pissed itself and an oven that baked stuff with a light bulb. Boys had toys with kung fu grip and a Light Bright was a luxury item.

We didn’t have hi-def! My first TV (my parents old TV) was black and white! I didn’t have an mp-3 player, I had a Walkman that weighed fifty pounds and chewed up my tape. It went through eight batteries an hour and I loved it because it was so portable!

I didn’t have a cell phone! If we wanted to find another kid, we had to drive around the whole town on bicycles for hours and find him!

But enough of that! Soon it will sound like; the rainbow only came in black and white! We were so poor we couldn’t afford gravity, we had to bolt ourselves to the Earth! Etc,

I saw that Indecent Proposal was on TV yesterday. A million dollars to sleep with Robert Redford? Well, ok, but I don’t think I can raise that much money!

This is where I have come to in life; I was walking around my living room naked this morning, talking to myself, saying that I was going to die soon, so what was the point of going to college any way? I have lost my mind completely, it would seem.  Or not, which is actually more frightening! 
10:53 PM 
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Tuesday, November 03, 2009 

Current mood:  pissed off
That poor woman who was run over by her father for "becoming too western" has died.  She was twenty years old.

God bless the religious!
6:06 AM 
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Tuesday, November 03, 2009 

 

The Saints are giving eight and a half points to the Falcons tonight. Take the Saints! The Saints look great and the NFC championship should be the Saints and the Eagles. I have the Eagles for the NFC champion in my pre-season picks, and even though the Saints look unstoppable, I am sticking with my pre-season picks, as they are solid. Still, it would not surprise me to see a Saints Vs Steelers Super Bowl.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

PS -- I am cooking portabella mushroom parmesan on a bed of rice with corn, baked potato, and acorn squash with a touch of baked pumpkin.  
12:51 AM 
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Saturday, October 31, 2009 
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."


I was talking to a female friend and, apparently, one of my balls was hanging out. She looked at me and pointed and I looked and said, “I’m up here!”

Every morning (or afternoon) when I get up, I give my ferrets water, food and canned, whipped cream. I look at them and I say, “Are you big, floppy weasels?! Yes you are big, floppy weasels!” They look and smile. They are quite happy to be big, floppy weasels.

I was talking to Dave and I was mentioning my ethno-cultural background. I said, “I’m Polish” and Dave said, “Yeah, if your Irish” and when I said, “Yeah, and Native-American” Dave said, “I don’t see it.” I wish someone would see me as something other than Irish, as I am more than Irish.

I was reading a biography on Virginia Woolf and I never knew she was sexually molested by her step-brother. I just do not get sexual molestation or rape. How can you ruin someone’s life for an orgasm? I cannot even eat an animal for a meal, never mind hurt someone for sex. That is just fucked up. You have to be so fucking evil to hurt someone for some perverse (or even not perverse) sexual desire.

I don’t get most of what is in “life." I have always viewed this life thing from an outside looking in perspective. I still have no doubt, and an absolute belief, that if a person is bright enough they will become a vegetarian communist. This does also require empathy for animals and your fellow human, which some people just do not have, unfortunately.

The odd thing is, even in my medical records which I recently saw while transferring them, they have me written in as "high IQ."  If you are bright, insurance actuary tables add ten years to your life expectancy.  That's one good thing about being bright. 

I am watching Airplane, and I love that effeminate gay guy on this.  He is so funny!  I wonder what happened to him?

Well, it is Halloween. This is the best holiday, as it allows women to dress up very, very slutty. I am not doing anything, as I am not feeling well. But, best to everyone, and drive safe.
8:17 PM 
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Thursday, October 29, 2009 

Current mood:  okay
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.  The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.  Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.  The blonde started laughing.  This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.  This time the blonde laughed even harder.  Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.  The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.  The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

There was going to be a meeting for clairvoyants, but it was cancelled due to unforeseen events.

I was watching TV and they had on that Flomax ad. It is a medication for an enlarged prostate, evidently. Well, if you listen to the symptoms that they list, they say, “symptoms may include runny nose and decrease in semen.” I think I figured out where those semen are going! To the runny nose!

I was playing with Ferble, my elderly ferret, and I was so sad. He is so old and he will die soon. I just cannot believe that there is any point to death (or life). Why do we exist at all? There isn’t any purpose to this, is there? All of this just to die and forget that we even had this. It is so sad.

You do not have to be a historian to see when and where God (your God of choice) was created. There doesn’t seem to be a point to anything. We all live this… existence just to die. Just to cease being. We are just flukes of this universe that lift our heads out of the swamp, see the beautiful sky, understand and appreciate it, and then perish. Then we end and do not even recollect that we were.

What amazes me is how many people believe in something; a God, an afterlife. Something! Anything! There are so many people who believe. I hope they are right. I hope there is a reason for this life. I do not want to become nothing, but that seems to be the case. Doesn’t it? If I thought there was any form of existence after death, I would shoot myself right now.

There are so many people that are so fucking stupid. You hear how they believe that there is a war raging and that Gods (or God and the Devil, his superhero like nemesis) are fighting it out. “There is a war in heaven!” Yeah, sure. Pull this finger, it plays Jingle Bells. I can read a history book and see a time when your God didn’t even exist dude. Chill.

Another point that I never understood is that if God is all powerful why doesn’t it destroy evil? And I am not setting up a metaphysical hypothetical, I am stating this as a matter of pure logic; if God is more powerful than Satan, why doesn’t it destroy Satan? If God is all powerful then destroying evil is possible. Why isn’t this being done? What am I missing? Gods do not need us to fight their battles.

What we need to hope is that there is another fluke in this universe that allows our consciousness to exist in some form after the death of our body. OR that humankind one day is able to control time and space and chooses to reach back in time and save our consciousness prior to death. I know that sounds insane, but it seems more feasible to me than a invisible being that is all powerful and loves us, but chooses to hide it’s existence. I mean, that’s fucking nuts!

The human condition seems to be that of us suffering and then ceasing to exist. We would seem to exist through eternity for ourselves, as we are egocentric and can only see through our eyes. So if birth is our first experience and death is our last, to the perception of the individual, we are immortal. To our perception; when we start, everything starts, and when we cease, the universe also ceases. That is pretty fucking depressing, isn’t it? I hope I am wrong. I hope we exist forever, but then, why do we die? Have you seen death? Talk to your steak tonight, ask it how death is. Or visit a morgue and ask a corpse how it is doing. If you get a response, let me know.

There are so many unexplained, paranormal events, but none ever happen to me. I want to see a ghost. I want to see an angel, or, well anything, but there isn’t anything is there?

Someone took a shot at Lou Dobbs.  When are people going to realize that freedon of speech is protecting speech you HATE, not speech you like.  I believe those who say what I hate have that right, I also have the right to tell them to piss off and be with people I like.

On top of everything else, I awoke at 5pm today after sleeping 14 hours.  I am not feeling well.

 Well, best to enjoy the time we have.  Laterz

10:46 PM 
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Sunday, October 25, 2009 

 

They say that owners start to look like their pets.  You be the judge.
6:37 PM 
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Saturday, October 24, 2009 

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

I got an email from this bitch of a woman who used to be a girlfriend of sorts. She accused me of being a “woman hater” because I broke up with her. I had to explain to her that I wasn’t a woman hater, I just hated her.

She writes every single day. It is so annoying because she is so stupid. I told her, after a month of this to (I’m paraphrasing) “fuck off you cunt!” She, then, wrote me back saying that “cunt” was a word that all “Palin haters” used! I know! She likens someone sick of her ranting and shit as a “woman hater” (I guess misogynist was a word out of her depth) and a “Palin hater”, I know some women read my blog; now ladies, if you hate Palin do you say cunt? It doesn’t matter one way or another, it’s just fucking hilarious!

I am watching “American Greed” and they have this fellow on who scammed millions, as they all do, from the company that he worked for.

Anyway, what I love is that he paid six thousand dollars for his shower curtain! Six thousand dollars! He also had a 2.1 million dollar party for his 2nd wife … but six thousand dollar shower curtain!

Obama’s administration is setting it up so that a lot of the companies that were bailed out with tax payer dollars can NOT give their CEO’s bonuses, or much smaller bonuses. Up to 90% smaller bonuses! This and free health care … I may have to become a fan of this Obama fellow!

I have to get some baby shampoo for my ferrets, as they are too stinky to play with. My babies are too stinky to love right now.

Oh, I bought a new couch! I love my couch! I lust for a new couch the way that most men lust for a new car. I love my couch. I want to sleep on my new couch forever. I may marry my new couch. I may impregnate in and have little couch children that will also be great to sleep on. Give me liberty (and my new couch) or give me death! Now that I would fight for!

I got my new (vintage) American made Ibanez the other day, and it is splendid. I was going to sell it eventually, as I only bought it because it was under priced and as an investment, but I am keeping this. It is one of the best guitars I have ever played. It is yellow. The kind of yellow that you see (or saw) on the ubiquitous smiley face t-shirts of the 1970’s. So, I am naming this guitar “smiley.” A rather pleasant name.

Laterz

7:54 PM 
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Thursday, October 22, 2009 

Current mood:  depressed
An old man went to the social security office to sign up. He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter asked him for identification to prove his age. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and realized that he had left it at home. The lady told him that it was alright, he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey, she knew he was old enough for social security.

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt so she could tell that he was old enough.

After listening to his story his wife told him that if he dropped his pants he could have gotten disability too.

I was at the Chinese buffet today having lunch, and guess who was there… Billy Baldwin! Oh, it wasn’t really Billy Baldwin, but when I said to my friend, “Look! It’s Billy Baldwin!” She laughed.

I have a poor sense of taste in my mouth, so I have to have a friend taste my soda (through a straw of course) to make sure it is diet. I don’t want a person who cannot speak English well making a decision on my beverage that may result in diabetic shock.

I also have a habit of saying, “Cheekun make rousy house pet!” as a salutation. I just cannot help myself … and I keep thinking, “This is how Pearl Harbor started!” I know, I know… I love the line in Animal House by Belushi, “Did we quit when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!”

Did anyone hear about the terrorist arrested right here in Massachusetts? The world is just fucked up. This area is too boring to attack, but then again, I have been all over and every place is boring… with perhaps the exception of Las Vegas. But you need cash … lotsa cash! With hookers and gambling… what isn’t fun?!

I knew this one moron who said that this area sucked and that Florida, the area she moved to, was great, which may be true.  BUT she attributed this to the amount of people who lived in the region, stating that Florida had more people and that, "Small towns are for small minds".  Ironically she is one of the dumbest people I have ever known, so anything she said I have to take with skepticism.

I have fortune cookies from the restaurant for my ferret Hodge. Hodge LOVES fortune cookies. That is not a very natural thing. I do not think that ferrets in the wild are taking down fortune cookies to eat, but Hodge loves them. He is an odd ferret.

My ferret Vinnie used to collect beanie babies. Vinnie got his name “Vin Weasel” as a bit of a play on Vin Diesel’s name. I noticed one day that Vinnie was stacking up beanie babies. He would stack them up properly (posing them sitting up properly), and they all had their own special place. I used to buy beanie babies for Vinnie, and he was always so happy to get them.

Vinnie’s favorite thing in life was this stuffed sheep that my ex-wife had. Vinnie wanted that sheep. He would open his mouth and stealth-fully approach the sheep. He loved to have my wife catch him and tell him that he couldn’t have it. He would then stack his beanie babies up, bite one a few times, and sleep. He was a lovely boy. I miss him very, very much.

Time to piss off.
6:20 PM 
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009 

Current mood:  depressed
YOU MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...

* He keeps shaking a black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Hedgehog."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

I found that list somewhere.  I altered it slightly, but I liked it, so here it is (or was).

I was at my university today waiting for the elevator to come down. Well after waiting ten minutes I started looking lustfully at the stairwell. I turned to a girl who also attends that class with me and I said to her, “I am very lazy but I am also very impatient when it comes to elevators. I am wondering what will win: my laziness or my impatience.”

The woman I was speaking to found me amusing and, in case you were wondering, my impatience won and I took the stairs. That reminds me … there was a very young woman on the stairwell right behind me. She was in her teens (I would assume) and around a hundred and twenty pounds. We both briskly walked up the stairs to the third floor. She was winded and gasping for air. I was thinking, “Fuck me! I am 20 years her senior and double her weight and I am fine!” Kids today!

I am sitting around thinking of my friends that have died. The people who I loved most in life are dead. If it was not for the fact that I believe that death is a pointless, cruel, absolute end, I would kill myself right now.

I cannot intellectually accept that my friends are gone forever and do not exist any more. I just find that unimaginable. Perhaps it is denial on my part, but I just cannot fathom a universe cold and sterile enough to send such beauty to oblivion, to a void.

Perhaps that is all of our fate and the only way those that we leave behind can cope is by believing that we are gone, but by not being able to accept that we are extinguished, that we are forever silenced.

I have been watching Monty Python’s biography on IFC and that makes me smile. I cannot believe how old the Python members are. I am reminded of a story that I heard a Python member tell about Graham Chapman. This is an old story that I heard told years, if not decades, ago. I don’t know if I have ever shared it, so I will …

The Python’s had their BBC show in the early 70’s and it was very successful.. It was also big in Europe. Well, the members were sent to Germany for a promotional tour of the show. The Germans thought they would make a point and brought the Python’s to one of the German death camps. I do not remember which. Well, John Cleese did not quite get the point that the Germans were trying to make and he asked if he could be allowed to see the camp. The Germans said, “No, you're not allowed in.” Just then from the back of the bus Graham Chapman said to John, “Tell him we're Jewish.” Fuck me, it makes me laugh.

And now a joke…

A priest ends a sermon with the words to God, "Without you, we are but dust.” A child overhears this and asks, “Who is ’butt dust?’”
3:52 AM 
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Sunday, October 18, 2009 
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!"

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living hell out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God’s voice booms out again: "Okay … NOW you're screwed."

So many people are upset with Michael Phelps. I just do not get it. I know I am writing this way after the fact, but it needs to be said (or in this case, written).

Phelps did performance DE-hancing drugs. He was smoking grass! I would have been pissed if he was doing steroids, but he wasn’t. He was sitting around smoking grass. If it wasn’t for grass, I wouldn’t even like Phelps. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is how you keep from drowning.

I am so sick of improper English. I was watching the History Channel and a physicist with a PhD says “further away“. Further is a measure of merit. Farther is a measure of distance. But you still see intelligent people fucking it up.

You will also hear people saying, “Christ sakes.” That doesn’t make any sense. It is singular sake, not sakes! For the sakeS of Christ? A lot of people say “tward” instead of “toward”.  Two syllables people!

People should also be beaten if they say “irregardless” or if the say cue-pon instead of coupon. I knew this one idiot who had no clue when to use “your” and “you’re” in a sentence. She was/is also a bi-sexual Republican. I know! Next we will have Jewish Nazis!

I don't like writing about mainstream news but if balloon boy was a fraud, as it seems, the adults should go to jail.
 
I’m ill. Laterz.
5:54 PM 
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Friday, October 16, 2009 
 
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"The POPE!" laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see the bum. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?!" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He asked me where I got the lousy haircut!"

I was recently sent this and I have filled it out. Have fun, fill it out with your own answers and others get to know you better.

A) Four places that I go to over and over: college, the shop, Hades, and nowhere fast.

B) Four people who e-mail me: no one likes me.

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: Pizza House, Angelina’s, Subway, my living room.

D) Four places I would rather be right now: Heaven, Narnia, New Zealand, Uranus.

E) Four people I think will respond: No one will respond.

F) Four TV shows I watch: Monty Python, Young Ones, Anything Sci-fi and Football bitches!

Has anyone heard about the math teacher who was caught masturbating in a department store? If I had kids, I want him to teach them!

Then there was that guy who got in an automotive accident because he was masturbating while driving. What a jerk off!

I was in class today and there was this very thin girl eating a sandwich and all I could think was, “Lady hurry up and eat that sandwich before you drop dead from malnourishment.”

Why is it that fat people are always asked if they are hungry? Thin people are the ones who need to be asked to eat something. I had this beautiful, black girlfriend who would always say, “I need to lose five pounds” and I would be like “EAT SOMETHING!” This girl was five pounds shy of looking like a supermodel aka emaciated. I don’t understand that look.

I sent a text message to a female friend saying, “I got my student loan refund. I’m rich bitches!” and she sent a text back asking, “Who are these bitches?” and I was like, “Uh … um … me I guess!” You have to be careful joking with the word “bitches” when talking to a woman. You don’t want to sound sexist or misogynistic … anyway she was probably on the rag!

:o)
 
It is funny because it is sOooOooOooooo wrong. 
 
 
5:23 PM 
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009 
After the Irish Beer Festival all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

There was an Ibanez 540 S Saber on eBay and I had to buy it. It is an American made guitar. The person who listed it did not put that it was the American made version in the title, only in the ad. So, I buy it and he loses money. I mean, I paid $550 … the Americans go for $1200. I buy it and play it. If I get bored, I sell it and get extra cash. That makes me happy!

I downloaded some songs from limewire. If you want free songs, go to limewire and rip them. I have “Elimination” by Overkill on my mp3 player. I love that song. I also have been listening to other classics such as “Werewolves Of London” … I love that song.

And now … another joke.

Sarah Palin walks into a bar very down on herself. As she walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

Palin replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right amount."

The bartender, feeling sorry for Palin, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

Palin stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it!"

A few months later she comes back to the bar in worse condition than she was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

Palin, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting her to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

Palin stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later she is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking Palin breaks into her problems. "I... I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at Palin's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" Palin can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day Palin comes running back into the bar as if she had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" she exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
　
　
　
　
　
7:49 PM 
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