so i'm all about beating the system. so i wanted to share a little tip for those of you who purchase tickets from ticketmaster on occasion... we all do, i mean, what choice do we have... but this is GOOD STUFF...

i wanted tickets to see flight of the conchords. i logged on right before 10am to jump the system, refreshing to get in the instant they went on sale. i got in, and the tickets weren't great... i thought, ok, they're popular, but not popular enough to sell out that fast, so i refreshed, and got worse seats, then again, search again, and i did this about 6 or 7 times. then i got fifth row seats. section 104, row E. was that right?

yes it was. i got fifth row seats. i shared this info with a girlfriend of mine, we were both online on facebook, and i told her how i got the seats. and she did the same thing, logging in to ticketmaster, repeatedly searching again, at least a half hour into the ticket sales, and got 16th row seats.

so the ticket generator is COMPLETELY RANDOM. so i know it's a crap shoot but just thought i'd share this little tidbit with the masses. so if you get shit seats keep trying and you'll inevitably get better ones. i hate ticketmaster.

so i am very happy. it's friday the 13th! i may be going for a 13 tattoo a lil bit later on today, and finally have a 2 week job coming up next week! hooray! and jenny's coming home today! whee! my kid was singing okkervil river in the car! huzzah! the dog i found in my back yard made it back to its owner! yay!

lovely.

i've been cheating on my myspace blog and have started a love affair writing elsewhere. this about sums up what has been my motivation for 2009:

"the stains are a rally cry for where i have been, not where i am going. that is yet to be decided. time will tell... i won't lose out on any more life because i'm too busy with my back to the screen. i'm watching this movie and god damn if i don't like it."

i'm baking cookies, dancing to 'vanished' by crystal castles, and feeling better than i have felt in years. i keep laughing but that 24 hour fitness commercial with that lady from the biggest loser, you know the one, where she's saying something like, "one day i said it, then i believed it, and then i'm running up the hill and saying who the heck am i?" yeah, that's me too. one day i said it, then i did it, and now, i believe it. i have a renewed faith in everything.

something's shifted. i can't say just what but i'm excited for the first time in years to see what happens next.

i've been so not busy i'm busy. i always do this at the end of the year. i don't have much to say about this year. it's been mostly about betty. it's been hard to pin it down. i still can't say i do have a handle on it. but alas, i finally got to my annual tradition:

the tops of 2008: lisa's mix

25. Say Back Something - Tapes n Tapes
it's not as dirty dirty as the dirty dirty but i like the fear in it.

24. Many Shades of Black - The Raconteurs
yes, yes there are

23. Gallery Piece - Of Montreal
all the things i want to do to you, in verse!

22. This Thing About You - Miracle Fortress
it appeared in an and for bayer aspirin. that was weird.

21. Lovers Who Uncover - The Little Ones
aww...

20. Girls and Boys in Love - The Rumble Strips
it was so catchy i loved it, too bad the rest of the album kind of got on my nerves.

19. URA Fever-The Kills
they are such a sexy lil kit.

18. Buttercups-Cajun Dance Party
like drunk sexy.

17. Prissy Prancin'-Eagles of Death Metal
one of my favorite memories of the year will be sitting in the back of that tour bus with jesse.

16. Language City-Wolf Parade
they do it again. they were awesome live too.

15. Pretty Girl from Chile-The Avett Brothers
reminds me of the roadtrip to kentucky.

14. Volcano-Beck
i like he came back sort of beaten up a bit. made for some good songs.

13. Like A Friend-Pulp
a re-emergence on this one, but i just love love love it.

12. I've Underestimated My Charm - Black Kids
too much sugar for my sweet tooth.

11. Balaclava- Arctic Monkeys
i just really, really love alex turner. like, really.

10. Be Safe - The Cribs
i think the words to this are so gorgeous. i can relate.

9. You Won't Be Fooled - Albert Hammond JR
because he's awesome.

8. Happiness is Overrated - The Airborne Toxic Event
FABULOUS band live. just fabulous.

7. I'd Like to C U - Envelopes
i really tried not to like this song but inevitably i just failed to resist.

6. Listening Man - The Bees
i have yet to find a person who doesn't like this one.

5. True Affection - The Blow
i like how simple the blow are. i really like fists up a lot too...

4. Plastic Hearts - Dirty Pretty Things
i have true affection for dirty pretty things.

3. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
it reminds me of laying in the courtyard at the san jose in austin. and other things.

2. Smokin' From Shootin' - My Morning Jacket
i don't know what it is about this song. i like how beaten up he sounds looking out for someone living in the past...

1. Lost Coastlines - Okkervil River
holyshit this is audio gold. by far my favorite song of the year...

i opened a blogspot. i think more of my i-wear-black-on-the-outside-because-black-is-how-i-feel-on-the-inside days will end up there... i am winding down a little today, been stressed out enough and the job i was on is now done, and was fun and easy, and i am trying to be a little sunnier.

it's hard to believe not even two weeks ago i was lying outside my room at the hotel san jose in austin, listening to fleet foxes and playing obsessively with cap bombs. the weather was so gorgeous, and i'd pulled together two of the squareback chairs on our private little porch to create a little adult sized crib... lying there... it was so nice... taking paths down mount bonnell i thought i was going to fall and getting so so tired from shopping and eating delicious food... and the days were so sweet.

and hills and valleys and there you go... i think i've taken a significant amount of serious blows in the past days since then. i don't know what's coming next. the air just feels weird. i think sometimes i am too open. it's easier to talk about the negative. i do it to get it out there, vent it, and maybe in sharing it some of the little pieces can be taken away by other people being in on it, knowing it. hoping that some of the burdens i have to shoulder might be lightened. but in the end, they are mine, and i'm doing my best to just make it liveable and taking care of what i can, when i can, and in the time i have to do so.

i think i underestimate the people in my life sometimes and realize how i really do have an amazing support system underneath it all. i might pout sometimes but i think if i don't i'll just explode.

but for some reason, i think i have to take a little of my emotion back. or, at the very least, secure it somewhere else.

i realized that i was five days behind on the advent calendar eric's uncle sent us. his relatives don't take religion into consideration, and i kind of like that in people sometimes. it's magnetic and you create the nativity scene on it one magnet at a time. betty will love to do that.

she's having a yo gabba gabba christmas. she's so into that show. i love it. i love that she's into things. she has opinions. tastes. and the cutest damn face i have ever seen in my life.

i have to go to eric's work christmas party tonight. i bought a dress he doesn't know about. i will dine on steak and drink drinks i don't have to pay for. i guess there are worse ways to spend an evening. my only issue of the holidays is people telling you to be cheery when in fact there's a lot of non-cheer going on with most everyone i know.

i'm telling you, it's in the air.

i've been running for a while and think i'm going to have to be human and take a break.

i feel weird sick.

someone crashed into my mini. it was a horrible accident.

it's all in a flash.

next, the doctor my mom has worked for for over 10 years had the plug pulled 24 minutes ago.

i sadly and reluctantly wish him into the arms of heaven.

all the while, the addiction, the obsession, it won't be straight with me. i should let it go.

my eyes are open so wide, i feel the mascara pinching the lashes, thick.

the words don't come. staring at screen.

speechless. too many events. too few days.

it's cold. i just want a blanket, something.

i can't get it out of my head.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQgDlrLaLGk

Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

it's very hard to explain to people that haven't lived out where i live that it stands perfectly still sometimes... time, light space, all of it.

and i was driving in my father's car over the bridge, over that same fucking bridge i have to have crossed thousands and thousands of times, when the needle began to sway.

down and up and back again. the speedometer wasn't reading anything. zero miles per hour.

and i noticed around me there wasn't a thing. not a car, not a bird, not any bug rain or tail lights ahead or behind me. and i was going zero miles per hour.

i turned into my neighborhood after the bridge and it didn't budge. still no sound. light. sights. down the street i cruised, and it's a hilly little place, up and down i would go... zero. no wind shook the trees. grass in the fields straight as arrows. zero miles.

and i had one of those thoughts, those twilight zone minutes, where i thought to myself maybe i wasn't moving at all. maybe when the speedometer hit zero on the bridge i'd actually gone off the side and was now dead, heading in the intended trajectory to home but it had all really stopped when i died in a car wreck.

but i was in purgatory now, or a ghost, or whatever you think could happen when you die.

going zero miles an hour with nothing, no one, not a single notion of movement around me.

finally, on my street a car passed. the speedometer jumped back to 34 MPH.

and like the bells i heard when i was dying, the wreck wasn't real and i was almost home. i have dreamed of dying, falling off that bridge, dozens of times if not more. in haste and anger, wondered who the hell would care if i did drive off the side, but i am never (a) brave or (b) stupid enough to actually do it.

i have that thought though, sometimes, that if i were in an awful accident would (insert applicable name here) even come and see me? would they care? i don't think that's weird. i think it's a test.

i always seem to relate to songs about films, or with film things in them. moving pictures, silent films. saint augustine. motion picture soundtrack.

Red wine and sleeping pills
Help me get back to your arms
Cheap sex and sad films
Help me get where I belong

I think youre crazy, maybe
I think youre crazy, maybe

Stop sending letters
Letters always get burned
It's not like the movies
They fed us all little white lies

I think youre crazy, maybe
I think youre crazy, maybe

I will see you in the next life.

i think i'm crazy, maybe. started mirtazapine again. stoned 24/7. it will get better, i know it. my depression manifests itself in intolerance, irritation, annoyance. i don't get sad. i get bitter.

i wonder why it is; to me i am normal. this is my state. happiness is a relative term. i'm a martyr for my love for you. whatever it takes. stronger, you'll see.

i have the most beautiful wonderful child in the world and if ever i were to think i didn't have a good life, at the center of it rotates my betty, and i could not entertain the notion of bridge diving for a second. put it on paper i have divinity. sometime maybe i think that's what i try and shake up. that i have it good; i don't deserve it all and so i stir the pot. i've lived so long with chaos i don't know how to acclimate without it around me.

i've said that other people i know have that issue but i think i might too. i think all of us do a little tiny bit.

on a much much lighter note i went to see new kids on the block and have to say that i had a fucking great time. i went with my sister and our neighbor growing up. we had our own girl group when we were kids called 'homegirls' and we re-wrote the lyrics to NKOTB songs to reflect our feelings for the new kids. and we made them a tape and gave it to them when i was probably 12. how embarrassing. anyway, now that we're in better financial positions, i got us these badass tickets, and i couldn't believe how much fun we had. we were 8 rows back, and at the end of the show i was front row joe. for real. NOTHING but a few metal bars between me and the boys of my prepubescent fantasies. dare i say i probably came a little bit? i couldn't myself believe the dancing that ensued that night, even though it was slightly alcohol induced. the bar was way too close to our section. ah, sweet love of the stoli vanilla and coke.

alas, i am home indefinitely now, nothing on the books. the first week was fun, this one is starting to drag, and things keep coming between me and the next job. maybe that's why i can't establish normacy, because it simply doesn't exist in ANY facet of my life. and as off balance as that makes me, i have to say, it probably makes me quite a bit of what i am.

crazy, maybe.

i'm having a little tiny moment of clairty. it's made me quite angry. it feels different, it's fall. liz reminded me of it. the weather always changes around my birthday. and it did. and catastrophe follows it, and it did.

and who remembered?

nothing in particular, and i'm really quite fine, but it's worse picking apart and analyzing than believing what you've been told in the past. because it was true in the past, does it mean it still is, or was that just the situation then, and now, it's something different, but since it's not discussed, how the fuck do you know?

you don't.

this is where faith comes in. perhaps why i am not a more religious person. perhaps why i sometimes end here, twitching my eyelids and feeling the impending sense of doom, or change, or allergies. i don't really know which.

i have made peace with my hair. there are times where i even quite like it. there are times when i do quite like myself, and times when i listen to that song by the cribs, 'be safe,' and even in that liking, begin the line of questioning all over again.

damn. i sure don't have any of the answers. i hate you, myspace.

i'm listening to my cat destroy my dining room chairs. 40 year old chromcraft black. little snaps and pops from crooked claws. i'm listening to eric mow the lawn, my child babbling incessantly to her baby doll up in her crib. the clicking on the keys, the window to the web, carelessly flicking through this and that, wondering where my wishes were.

it's where you place your focus, your energy. i'm powered down sometimes and it leaves me vulnerable. perhaps liking my feet in two boats. maybe i hate that vulnerability. i identify with the aggressor.

the breeze would be nice up my skirt. scented from grass and rain and maybe i could not be more pleased. maybe i could be the saint, the sinner, i just don't know where i would place myself. i would, however, look at that same sunset and go over that bridge, and have that sense, and then come home to an hour's worth of traffic and not even realize what i'd felt until long after i was awake the next day. i think i know sometimes. i just tell everyone but me.

tell me, do you remember ever getting this line: "just the tip..." haha. "c'mon baby, just the tip." that shit is hilarious. and you know what's so bad about it? it WORKED. you know you couldn't resist it. be honest, ladies.

and fuck you hurricane ike for ruining my birthday this year. it's not like having your birthday the day after the worst homeland tragedy wasn't bad enough. now you gotta go and keep my austin friends away and the rain bad enough for me not to even attempt my one eyed drunken driving. bastard.

i also went to try on boots today since i need some new ones, and my boot size has gone up a whole size. thanks, pregancy.

and good lord, i cut my hair again. i do this about once a year or two... i think it's going to be a great change, and i cut it all off, and then i hate it and wear a scarf or headband for months till it comes back. well, i did it. and i have not made peace with it. just don't make fun of me for it. in lieu of losing the weight i want to i tried a fast fix for a change and now, i am just so... grr...

i swore up and down that i wouldn't do that shit. oh well.

i am going to see the new kids on the block next month. i thought it would be hilarious. i thought it would be silly to go with my sister and our friend we grew up with across the street. so we got our tickets and they cost a boatload. i hope it's worth it. i had a dream last night about it that it sucked and i bet that's not going to remain just a dream for long... i'm a sucker for nostalgia. what can i say???

and i was telling eric i had dreams about my teeth falling out all the time. he said it wasn't a dream. sofunnyhaha. he said i broke more teeth than anyone he knew. maybe so. but at least i get that shit fixed. i broke half my front tooth off eating a waffle when the plate came back and hit my face. i broke a tooth on a cherry pit, one on a hard sprinkle... whatever. it happens. his jokes, not so funny...like the other day, i was looking at the tattoo on his chest, it's three roses with a banner going through them that says "betty grace" for, duh, betty, and i said, "oh, this rose is you, this one is me, and that one is betty." he said of the one that i said was representative of me, "yes, because it's the one that's completely detached." ba-dum-dum.

i have to just have a sense of humor about life. it's so all over the damn map. happy, sad, whatever. i'm kind of enjoying the nutty ride i've been on lately. the loudest crashes and the quietest secrets, all of it.

"what gives this mess some grace unless it's fiction?"