I love patterns.  More specifically, I love finding inconsistencies in them.  And then the question I always love to ask is:  why?  Why was that left out?  Why did that get added?  Why did something change?  The answer, if I find one, is always different.  The legitimacy of the change is sometimes questionable, but it's always interesting to find.

Here's an example from Scripture.

Mark 12:1-34 is a rather diverse portion of Scripture that we have most likely heard preached in bits and pieces.  Verses 1-12 is the story of the evil farmers.  Verses 13-17 is about giving taxes to Caesar.  18-27 is the Sadducees asking Jesus about the resurrection and the widow with the seven husbands.  28-34 is the scribe asking what the most important commandment is.

Of course, to make a comparison, we need another point of reference.

Luke 20:9-40 will be our other point of reference.  Verses 9-19 is the same story about the farmers.  Verses 20-26 is the same event about the taxes for Caesar. Finally, verses 27-40 describe the same time with the Sadducees about the widow and the resurrection.

Now, what is the difference?

I'm glad you asked.  And even if you didn't, I'm going to write this part anyways.

The teaching about the most important commandment that appears in Mark (referenced above) does not exist in the Luke account.

Where was Luke?

Both accounts end saying that no one dared to ask Jesus any more questions, but the placement of this statement is very different.

Did he need to pee?

Somehow, Luke did not find the question and answer to what the most important commandment relevant enough to put into his writing.  Why?  I have no idea.  There's not even a clue.

Maybe he left early.

Maybe he got distracted.

Maybe he just couldn't hear it.

Or, possibly, he forgot it happened.

I realize this is a translation and not the original greek, but one would think something involving the most important commandment would strike them as being somewhat critical to make record of.

Now, let me state this:  I am not faulting Luke here.

But I am praising Mark.

We, as a church, would be having fits over what the most important thing in our respective walks with God would be if this was not recorded.  Mark gives us a very clear picture of what that is.

Different perspectives are vital to our success as a people, as a church, and as the body of Christ.  We need them or we would all be doing the same thing the same way which means we would have the same issues and no solutions.

That is not a good thing.

So thank God Mark wrote this down.  Thank God that Luke didn't.

What makes us different is what makes us God's creation.  What makes God's creation great is that He made it.

So love God.  Love others.

Even when they seem to miss something very very important.

While Myspace has a very loose definition of "friend", I'm fairly certain I'm not friends with any of the bands or fictional television characters on my list so this doesn't include them.  Not that I would stop anyone from reading this anyways.

I just wanted to say that I love you all.  You all have affected my life in ways I may not yet understand but I do know that I have grown.

I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with on a fair amount of occasions.  This, to me, is what makes all of you that much more special.  You stuck with me through the times when I'm certain I was intolerable.  And yes, I still have those times more often than not.

Whether we've spoken in the last (insert time frame here) or not, I just want you to know that I do think about you guys and girls.  I do care.  And if there's ANYTHING you need and you think I might be able to help, just let me know.

It's the least I can do for all you have done for me.

Alex

It's interesting that we've been talking about being there for each other in my youth group. I've even been a part of preaching one of these messages. Yet I find myself bearing all my burdens. You know, Jesus bore the sin burden. He died. The burden of sin and the pain that went with it literally killed Jesus on the cross. Yet somehow we keep breathing. We keep breathing because we can share our burdens. Jesus couldn't really share that burden with anyone. There is only one Messiah and only He could bear that burden. He died. When we feel alone and we have burdens, it eats away at us. We start getting down, tired, grumpy, whatever your reaction is and I guarantee it's bad. There have even been studies done with children. Some were given milk and taken care of, but had no emotional interaction. Provided for, but not invested in. The other group was also provided for, but also had some play time with their caretakers. Provided for and invested in.

And now, the end of the week long search for what is lurking deep inside me.

1. Song of the day - Leap of Faith by Sanctus Real.  To take a very literal interpretation, standing at the edge today, looking down at the depths of my spirit, wondering what is there.  I trust that God will protect me as I dive into the dark waters and dive deep, searching for the root of everything.

 

1. My dad was never home.  At least not often.  It seemed he was always gone and, when he was home, he was usually busy so we never got to spend time together.  He basically missed my entire childhood.  And I missed my chance to have a father.

 

1. My friends always disappear on me.  A general shelf life of about five years seems accurate.  Through five years, I will spend a lot of time, hang out, laugh, fight, whatever.  Somewhere during that time, that person will fade out and disappear.  Only a couple have ever lasted past then, despite many saying they never would do such a thing.  I don't think it is intentional most of the time.  Life changes, people grow apart.  But I have had little to no continuity when it comes to the people around me.  That makes things very hard.

 

1. Loneliness.

 

1. Abandonment.

 

1. Rejection.

 

1. Everything comes from this.  It all comes from my dad not being there.  I understand all of the reasons that he wasn't there as much as he wanted to and I would never accuse him of not doing all he could for his family.  But he just wasn't there.

 

1. He just wasn't there.

 

1. At the bottom of this dark water there is a plug.  To pull the plug would drain the water for sure, but how?

 

1. To pull the plug, I have to let go of this root issue.  I have to release the pain and the past that stops me from being able to let other things in.

 

1. I have to really let my dad go and the things that happened.  All of them.

 

1. There is freedom in forgiveness.  I would be willing to bet most people are plugged due to unforgiveness, bitterness, grudges in their lives.

 

1. Forgiveness is possibly the hardest thing we ever have to do as people.  Forgiveness is an expression of love, which is equally as hard.

 

1. So God wants this to be let go.  For forgiveness to flow and to let go, unplugging the drain and letting the dark water drain out.

 

1. I have a strange feeling all the darkness, or most of it, will be drained out as well.  Very interesting.

 

1. I love my dad and I love God.  To forgive him, I have to actually wish him well.

 

1. Can I do this?

 

1. What will truly happen if I do?

 

1. What am I doing to do?

1. Song(s) of the day:  There is a Kingdom by Tree63 and Forever Holy by Mainstay.  It seems the deeper I get into my own darkness, the more God feels to show me and remind me how great He is.  How powerful He is.  How faithful and loving He is.  How in control He is.

 

1. I've finally reached the personal wounding level.  This is the place where the things people have done that have hurt me on a very personal level are buried.  Mostly consisting of breakups and being manipulated in relationships, this is a rather painful level.  I suppose I could also call it the rejection level.  This entire level is all the times I have been very personally rejected.  Not like getting picked last in kickball rejected.  Like, "You're not good enough and we don't want you here." sort of rejected.  And there's still another level...

 

1. Tomorrow makes me nervous.  On the surface, nothing spectacular is going to happen.  Work, church, home, bed.  But I believe tomorrow will be the day I reach the deepest area.  Where the base of all of my pain comes from.

 

1. I don't know what my goal here is.  If I find the root of my pain, then what do I do?  Do I let it go?  Does it heal?  Do I just acknowledge where everything stems from?  What?

 

1. Am I afraid to let go of the pain when I find it?  Isn't it pain that defines me?  I exist in pain most of the days of my life.  Is this really the reason?  Will I find something?

 

1. I always knew there was darkness inside of me.  I'm pretty sure everyone else kind of noticed or notices it now.  I never realized how deep it went.  I suppose I still don't really know.

 

1. There is something at the bottom that I need.  It's like a treasure chest or something.

 

1. Breakdown is almost imminent.  I'm exhausted.  I don't know what to do with all of these painful emotions that are being stirred up so it must be breakdown.

 

Crying tears is the best idea I have...

 

…and I can't do it right now.

1. Song of the day: There is a Kingdom by Tree63.  Interesting for two reasons.  1:  I only know the first lyric to the chorus and that's what's been running through my head all day.  For the curious, it's "There is a kingdom/that cannot be shaken".  2:  As the dig goes deeper into the blackness, this is a song of hope.  A reminder that no matter how dark things may be, God and His kingdom are perfect and cannot be overturned, even disturbed.

 

1. I wonder what would happen if I actually tried...

 

1. I thought today that I was ok being me.  The problem with this thought is that it's a complete lie.  I'm not ok being me because if I was, I wouldn't hold back as much as I do.  I wouldn't struggle with how to act as much as I do.  I know that me is way better than the "me" most people see.  I'm just afraid to let him totally out.

 

1. I must be making progress.  I've reached the point where I can start feel pain from my family. The father level is going to have a terrible amount of inventory that hasn't been touched in many many years.

 

1. I don't know what I would do if I actually had the opportunity to complete cut loose.  To become the me that is true as opposed to the other options.

 

1. Definitely nearing breakdown levels now.  I felt like crying for half the day or more.  No breakthrough in sight.

 

1. With everything that's going on, I'm stupid tired.  I just need to sleep for a long long time...

 

1. I need a light for my darkness.  There's a lot of it and the pit keeps getting deeper.

 

1. Save me.  Please.

1. Song of the day:  I'm Not Alright by Sanctus Real.  A song I've driven away blasting in my car more than once.  A song that has described my mental and emotional state more than once.  And it does the job yet again.

 

1. When I decided that I was really going to try this thing, I thought it would be cyclical.  3 days digging, be at the lowest point on the 4th day, then a beginning back up for the next 3 days.  Today would be that darkest day…or so I thought.  Unfortunately, I see that's not what's going to happen.  I look down and it gets darker and deeper.  There more for me to dig and go through.  I can't say I'm really looking forward to it.

 

1. I don't expect anyone to have ESP.  It is unreasonable for me to think people would be able to see in my head.  It should not be unreasonable for me to have people be able to tell when something is wrong.  I don't typically make a great effort to hide my pain (although I could) and people don't always ask.  I can't say they don't usually ask because they do.  I don't usually answer.  So that part is on me.  I just wish that someone would say something before I felt like I was about to shatter in a million pieces.

 

1. The breakthrough/breakdown process continues.  Definitely getting closer  to the breakdown. Basically every minute I spend alone I break down a little bit more.  Video games and reading and music and movies and box sets only serve to distract for a minute.

 

1. I'm starting to wonder what it's like to try at something.  I haven't truly tried at something in I don't know how long.

 

1. Usually my tiredness is only correlated to how much sleep I'm getting.  This remains true, but even with a little more sleep I feel more exhausted.  I'm wearing down and down and down and I don't know what to do about it.  Everything is wearing me out.

 

1. I have never known this feeling before.  It is very strange.  Half of me is almost completely angry.  I just want to yell and scream and cry and break.  The other half of me just wants to have compassion and love on people and do good things for them.  And, to be honest, the first half is what wins out more often than not.

 

1. For the first time in a long time, I'm actually reaching out to people.  I'm trying to connect to people.  I'm revealing parts of my life.  I'm texting and calling and doing whatever I can think of.  It's kind of funny that when I try to keep things to myself, people won't leave me alone.  When I try to reach out, I can't find anyone to reach out to.

 

1. There's a lot of pain at this level.  I knew I had a lot of pain.  I knew there were things I haven't thought about or felt in a long time.  But there's more...

 

1. What else could I possibly dig up?

 

1. How will I be free of this pain?

 

1. I need my healing…please…soon...

1. I'm starting to wonder if I might really be schizophrenic or something.  Every decision I make seems to be met with the opposing idea almost immediately in my head.  So I debate whether to go to Burger King to eat or just to go home for 5 minutes while I sit in my idling car.  Why can't I just make a decision and go with it?

 

1. Song of the day:  We Need Each Other - Sanctus Real.  This is likely influenced by seeing them in concert last night but I'm not sure.  What is God trying to tell me?  That I need Him?  I know that.  But am I taking that?  Do I claim that?  Do I receive that?  Am I so busy focusing on what I think I need that I forget that I need Him?  Is it about other people? Is God telling me I need other people?  Same questions apply here.

 

1. I have so much heartache and breaks and wounds and pains that I wonder how I stand on any given day.  I thought I gave these to God.  I thought he had healed them.  But I'm just as betrayed as it always was.

 

1. This dichotomy within me is wearing me thin.  I don't get enough rest.  The conflict inside me is constant and continues.  It is very difficult to always be fighting yourself and to try and be a Christian.   

 

1. The Scriptures say the eyes are the windows to the soul.  At least I think that's what the Scriptures say.

I wonder what my eyes say about me.  What do people see when they look in my eyes?

 

1. I'm tired and I'm broken and I feel both at the same time and that really sucks because I might be able to get more rest but I can't heal myself. 

 

1. I don't know if I'm going to breakthrough or breakdown but I know I'm going to do something soon.  I can't have this turmoil continue inside me much longer without something very bad happening.

 

1. Everything is coming out in my actions.  I could be preaching one minute and swearing about annoying people the next.  I know it's wrong but my brain just isn't taking it.  Something has to happen soon.  Seriously.

Before I post this, these are delayed by a day or two.  Just an fyi.

1. Song for most of the day:  Turning Tables by Mitch McVicker.  An interesting song.  All about Jesus coming and turning the tables over in the temple.  I'm not quite sure why.  Jesus quotes that "zeal for My house" will fill the Messiah's heart.  Is God flipping my tables over?

 

1. Are breakthrough and breakdown the same thing?  Can they be related somehow?  I don't really know but I think I'm about to do one or the other.  I guess breakdown could lead to breakthrough.  If that's the case, then I may be breaking through to something shortly.

 

1. Again, I took shots at myself.  I even caught myself taking a shot at everyone, basically calling them fools for thinking I was a good person.  Where did I pick up this attitude?  Did I really just assimilate everything people told me when I was younger and make it my own?  Did I claim all the negativity that was spoken into my life since I started school as my own and build my life on that?

 

1. Paul talks about himself being the chief of sinners and then lifts up the name of God.  He also talks about all of the trials he's been through and the education he had.  Now I don't think Paul had a negative self image.  I think he was a realist.  He knows all the parts of his life, the good and the bad, and says that God is bigger than everything.  Is this the kind of person God wants me to be?  Is this the kind of person God wants everyone to be?

 

1. So I've learned that concerts are good because God likes to speak through them.  I must have heard all about surrender and pain and perseverance tonight.  Even one band had the line, "It's ok for us to fail."  I never really was allowed to fail.  I wasn't even really allowed to be mediocre.  My dad always pushed me to do my best.  Then my parents got divorced and I never really got pushed any more.  I don't know if I've been challenged since that day really.  It's like that's the day that I gave up trying.  It's the day I found out that I was, in fact, THAT smart and things just came easy.  I didn't have to try because I could do an adequate to above average job with minimal effort.

 

1. If all my apathy is because I lost my father's push, then how do I explain not trying for the heavenly Father who asks His children to be like Him?  To be perfect?  Maybe I need to realize that this is not easy.  This does not come naturally, at least not the execution.  I understand the concepts with relative ease most of the time but it is not easy to follow through.

 

1. I've told multiple people to place the blame where it belongs.  If someone else is to blame, then blame them.  If you're to blame, then blame yourself.  This only makes sense.

 

1. Have I been claiming all the blame?  Do I think I'm responsible for everything, and as a result everything is my fault?

 

1. Have I placed myself about God, so that I take the pain and the blame for everything when He has taken all blame and shame upon Himself?

 

1. Have I given God the cold shoulder, making me the center of attention when He's at the center of everything anyways?

 

1. Have I made myself King and upset and dethroned the King of Kings?

 

1. Perhaps most importantly…

 

How do I fix this?

 

And…

 

How long have I been like this?

 

1. "Too long." My spirit cries out to me as I ask the obvious question.  I suppose any length of time usurping the Almighty is too long.  That makes sense.

 

1. Now if I could only learn to get out of the way…

 

 

1. I need a breakdown/breakthrough soon.  Maybe then I'll have an answer.

I've been debating about this and I want to show you all something.

I'm not much of a journaler but I'm on a spiritual journey.  Possibly the most interesting journey I've had.  So I'm going to post this for you all.  An unprecedented look into the crap that goes on in my head.

This is not a lesson.  This is not to make you think about something new.  This is about me.  My life.  My turmoil.

So here it goes...day 1.

And so begins an unforgettable journey to find out where everything begins.

 

It has never quite occurred to me to really dig to find the root of my issues.  This is interesting, since I'm all about getting to the heart of the issues as fast as possible and dealing with them quickly and efficiently.  The sole exception to this being myself.  I seem to keep myself flawed and I'm not sure why.  As typical,  I believe a numbered or bulleted list will best serve to put my thoughts in order.

 

1. Got up slowly.  Tried to pray, failed.  I really had to clip my nails but that took longer than expected.  Left the house late, got to work late.  Got harassed by my boss for being late.  My boss who hadn't noticed me being late two other times this week.  I point this fact out to her.  She is surprised.  I didn't need to be reminded that I had failed to show up on time, but it's her job to do so.  Still, it hurts.

 

1. Made some smart comment to the new teller about getting away from me.  Recently found out she's a Christian and has started to attend my church.  She says, "I feel a little closer to you." An odd statement, especially for someone who is engaged, to be making but something in me does not accept those statements well.  Any and every time someone says they want to be around me, I reject it.  Any positive commentary about people wanting to be around me and how good I am to hang out with, I instantly shoot down.

 

1. Why don't I let people say positive things about me?  Why do I shoot it down?  Where did that start?

 

1. Got back from an hour lunch ten minutes late.  Ironically, I was in the building.  Going to the bathroom.  Got more flack for it.  Again, natural, but if someone didn't get the chance to or didn't have to go to the bathroom for their hour lunch then does at the end, there should be a bit more understanding.

 

1. This is the hardest and weirdest thing all day but I think this is where the key for the day lies.  I've had Adam Sandler stuck in my head singing the very angry song from the Wedding Singer where he says, "Somebody kill me please.  Somebody kill me please.  I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please, kill me.  I want to die.  Put a bullet in my head."  Strange since I'm not having that rough of a morning or day at this point.  But my mood is definitely sour.  Still don't know why.

 

This is tempered, later, by "Let It Fade" by Jeremy Camp.  So I hear Jeremy Camp in the jukebox in my brain and I start to loosen up, start to worship in my head as the day wears on.  Then the interesting part…

 

They started fighting.

 

Now Adam Sandler and Jeremy Camp should never do a duet but they might as well have been.  In between "Let this old life crumble" I hear "Somebody kill me please."

 

I believe my key lies here.  Is this the dichotomy my mind and spirit and stuck in every day?    Half of me wants to move on and the other half wants to die.  Perhaps I'm only still surviving the way I am because I'm in the middle between total life and death.

 

1. Why do I hold back the things I can do?

 

1. There's a sign that says, "Change is inevitable.  Growth is intentional."

 

My life has been changing, but have I been growing?  I've been changing, but have I grown?

 

How does one tell the difference between change and growth?

 

1. Almost everything was off.  I was miserable.  I couldn't believe I had failed like this.  Failed…failed…failed…just like  all those other times.  I couldn't balance my drawer, I couldn't balance my checks and I couldn't find it.  These are the things that run through my head.

 

WHY?

 

1. Where did I get this complex about failing?  Why do I think I fail at everything?

 

1. I used to feel really hurt and frustrated when people would come after me.  Now I insult myself almost as an attempt to disarm them.  But it's kind of like taking a gun and shooting myself in the heart just before someone else does so they can't hurt me.   I wonder how many people came in total peace with flowers and bouquets and stuff and I basically burned them in their hands because I thought I knew their intentions and what they wanted.

 

 

1. Got my grandfather's old watch and came home.  Played video games and watched a movie.  Try and dull the pain from it all.  I suppose there were alternatives to what I could do but this I know works and it sort of did.  I still felt really sad and depressed but I can't share the fullness of this emotion with anyone because I don't really have friends.

 

1. I feel bored and tired.  Bored all the time.  I don't know what to do about it.