In the words of the immortal Billy Joel - until he drunkenly ploughs through a tree I suppose - "I'm movin' out".

I have moved my blog to stefandelatovic.blogspot.com

Why not come and check it out? I promise a reasonable diversion for at least 14 per cent of the community.

Cheers,

Stefan

See, the truly fun thing about having a birthday, is that you feel the freedom to write a blog entry without any kind of unifying point...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

 

New York Ballet company Les Balets Gradivas is coming to Broken Hill with its production "Men in Tutus". It offers what the name suggests.

I've toyed with the idea of attending, as I've always been interested to see an actual, live ballet, and I'm a sucker for a gimmick.

 

            Tangent: That's why Mask was so awesome. Gimmickorama. Soldiers. With masks. On string lines. With vehicles. That transformed.

 

Anyway, one of my workmates today said he had no interest in attending, as he said - in the same way one may remark about stepping in Hitler - "it's just an excuse for them to run around and get up everybody's noses". Discuss.

 

            Tangent: "Ugh. I stepped in some Hitler." Hilarity.

 

I recently purchased Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition. I was really excited to give it a run, and have played for about an hour. Sadly, the ludicrous proportions of my television, coupled with the terrifying music and jump-out-of-nowhere zombie action, means I will be limited to playing it between 11am and 3pm, when the sun is at its highest.

One of the things I appreciate most about the game is that, utilising the motion sensitive controller, waving the 'Wiimote' back and forth rapidly causes the character to slash with a knife. This means that, when something pops out at me and screams, I'm rewarded for freaking out like a fucktard.

 

I never got around to writing about the Season 3 finale of LOST. It was one of the best two hours of TV I've seen. Each character was given a chance to shine. It showed off what I appreciate most in a TV show - good writing.

Testament to that is that a cliffhanger-twist-ending that was predicated not on a shocking change in story, but a radical change in format, had me so excited.

 

By contrast, any dying desire I had to watch Heroes was extinguished by the most lackluster finale in the history of everything. I watched the first five or six episodes and found the characters irritating, revelations obvious and plot boring, so I gave up. Buzz continued, so I gave the finale a chance to sway me.

Epic finale battle between two superpowered juggernauts sporting a laundry list of abilities? Check. Said fight being resolved as an uninspired fist fight? Sadly, check.

 

            Tangent: My love of Heroes may also be diluted by having read a bazillion comics. "Oh! He can time travel? Seen it. She heals fast? Seen it. He phases through walls? Seen it seen it seen it."

 

Also, the show Freaks and Geeks is amazing, as is the graphic novel "American Born Chinese" (thanks Leen).

 

If you don't check out Leen's (ObscenePickle's) photo blog, you're missing out. Her ability to capture the fun of a night out on film is unparalled. If you want to see it, click on her in my friend list. She is my first friend - digitally and otherwise.

 

It took some time, but I finally trained myself to completely ignore bulletins, thereby safeguarding my ability to continue on with MySpace. Endless quizzys aside, there is a disturbing number of people hurling random and/or racist abuse out through bulletins. MySpace approximates real life I suppose.

 

My Comics addiction continues to grow. I've previously mentioned my love of the Comic Geek Speak podcast as a way of vicariously experiencing a discussion between comics fans. That affection continues, although the experience is dimmed somewhat as they devote more and more airtime to their Episode 300 celebrations. A big thing for them, and you can feel the excitement in the studio, but for an Australian listener, it does serve to dilute the feeling of "almost in the room". However, the current crop of episodes dedicated to World War Hulk are greatly appreciated.

 

The comic Powers, written by Brian Michael Bendis, is my current obsession. It's kinda like Law & Order, but the crimes involve superheroes. It fit's Bendis' dialogue-heavy style incredibly well.

 

Imagine how much better this blog would be with hyperlinks. "What's Mask? Click bam. CGS? Click bam"

 

Last but not least, I feel it is folly to not admit the possibility that David Hicks is innocent, but pled guilty to escape the black hole of space/time that was ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Guantanamo. Similarly, no hatred of terrorism - a term not synonymous with any religion - would necessarily justify approval of locking people up for years without charges or proof.

Of course, this is opinion, hence the 'I feel' rider.

Some feel he is guilty. That's a fair call. It's also not really the point.

 

Happy birthday everybody! Mainly me!

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Transformers - A Review. A Ramble.

 

 

Shortly before Transformers truly kicks into high gear, the film's protagonist has an excited conversation to himself about the lameness of the phrase "more than meets the eye". He's just blurted it out to the woman of his dreams in a moment of befuddlement, but members of the audience recognise it as the catchcry of the original cartoon.

 

It's a great moment, a sly wink to old time Transformers fans that won't take anyone else out of the film. It is one of a number of such moments scattered throughout the film that served to dispel my fears - as an 80s cartoon fanatic - that "Michael Bay destroyed my childhood", which seemed to develop into somewhat of an anthem across the internet in the lead-up to release.

 

Sadly, the goofy smile that this moment pasted on my face slipped a bit at the close of the film when Optimus Prime - leader of the good guy Autobots and main transforming alien - repeats the phrase. In that instance its used as the gun-ho morale of the film - 'like us, humans are MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE'. That sly wink has now turned face on and shouted to the audience, robbing it of its charm.

 

Transformers truly is a good film, one that I thoroughly enjoyed, but a smattering of bum notes marrs the wide canvas goofy action bonanza and robs it of being a great film.

 

The film owes much of its success the Shia LaBeouf, who plays the nerdy young man who buys a beaten up old car, discovers it's a transforming robot from space, and is propelled into the lead role.

Any story based around characters as alien as the Transformers requires a human being in the forefront for the audience to identify with. This can backfire in some cases. In Aliens vs Predator the promised firefight between two uber-cool unstoppable engines of destruction was pushed back behind hours of boredom-inducing cardboard human space soldiers.

 

Transformers does not suffer this fate. LaBeouf acts flawlessly throughout. He is convincing and affecting as the lovable loser and it is he alone who sells the film's air of goofy fun. When Optimus Prime crashes to earth and starts spouting cheesy one-liners I'm laughing instead of cringing (most of the time), largely because of the tone established by LaBeouf.

The sequence of LeBeouf driving around in his new car - known to only the audience as the living Autobot Bumblebee - is Herbiesque and fun. Use of the radio's spontaneous spewing of cliched love songs hits just the right note.

 

With Michael Bay at the helm, it goes without saying that the action is a sight to behold. The visual effects are magnificent. Seeing these creatures transform is awe-inspiring and seeing them fight is fantastic. Bay manages to keep the quick-cuts under control for most of the action, which was welcome, as sequences involving two giant, similar robots fighting alongside swarms of soldiers and military hardware could be difficult to follow.

The Transformers look good and Bay knows it. Slow motion sequences are used to show them off as they fight, transform and even walk. None seem over-the-top,   offering instead a chance to really look at these awesome creatures.

 

The only issue I had was the amount of screentime given over to the army and the Secretary of Defense.

More than anything else, it's a testament to LaBeouf's performance and the success of the Transformers that every time the 'army plot' was onscreen, I was restless to get it over with and get back to the other story.

It didn't seem to achieve much - save setting up the twinned cliches of 'army disbelieves random kid about friendly aliens to their detriment' and 'government meddles in matters beyond their comprehension to their detriment'. The movie would've been stronger without it.

Likewise the extended shots of military hardware. It's not hard to realise that Bay loves his army toys, and I know many Transformers fans would appreciate the look at more machines a'shootin', but as the sixth minute ticked by showing a big plane shooting into a cloud of dust I was anxious for it to be over.

 

Given my tendency to focus on the negatives when I write, I'm going to fall on the well worn crutch of 'big list of things' to bring out some of the other stuff I liked/didn't like. Sure beats writing in pesky paragraphs.

 

Things that were cool! Uncool! There!

 

* Opening with a voiceover from Optimus Prime  - voiced by the instantly recognisable original actor - was a great way to get me onside from the outset.

 

* Optimus Prime refuses to hurt humans, even to save his own troops. Soon has he sees a Decepticon? Knife to the eye! Awesome, although faintly creepy.

 

* Bumblebee responding to criticism by becoming an awesome car.

 

* Megatron being a bloodthirsty psychopath. Disdain for puny humans? Check. Ripping Jazz in half? Check.

 

* 'You've failed me again Starscream'. Awes.

 

* The necessary McGuffin of the plot - the All Spark Cube - was used to good effect. Although if it's purpose is to 'create life' within machines, why were all the creatures we saw it create evil? Soft drink shooting Transformer was cool though. I'd buy that toy.

 

* Like much of the Pentagon storyline, the young hackers didn't do anything I could tell, save giving Buffy actor and favorite of mine Tom Lenk some work. They seemed positioned, in true family movie style, to be the young folk who convince the stuffy old suits that the machines are alive. But turned out the government already knew. They already had one in the basement. "You'll be my adviser". "On what?" "Don't worry, you won't be onscreen again".

 

* Almost every gag LaBeouf said gave me a laugh.

 

* I didn't know how much I'd wanted to see Optimus and Megatron crashing through a building until it was upon me.

 

* Starting the action off instantly was welcome. Scorpinok carelessly ripping an entire army base a new one was spectacularly awesome.

 

* Megan Fox - who incidently did a great job despite being there solely for eye candy purposes - pulling a legless Bumblebee around while he shot a Decepticon to death was great.

 

* "One shall stand, one shall fall". So cheesy. So lame. So fantastically brilliamatic.

 

* Starscream's midair transformations as he took apart that platoon of jets was great. 

* Wow. Optimus really got his ass handed to him by Megatron.

 

* That robot skated through a bus!

 

* Even though I'm already pretty sure I know exactly what the sequel will be - more transformers from both sides hear Optimus' call and come to earth, just in time to fight Megatron, who rises from the depths of the ocean as Galvatron owing to the All-spark's new home in his chest - I really wanna see it.

 

In closing, this movie was really good. Damn close to being great. I didn't have to fall back on the intensely irritating "just turn your brain off and enjoy the ride" defense of most action blockbusters.

 

Transformers was spectacular, funny, action-packed and - most importantly - entertaining.

 

If, shortly before shooting the sequel, Michael Bay could spend six weeks furiously masturbating over some 8x10 glossy pictures of military hardware to really get that out of his system, I'm sure that Transformers 2 could be even better.

[self indulgent rambling /on]

I've been finding it difficult to write a review of Spiderman 3.

See, whenever I sit down to think about the film, there's 12-year-old Steffie Jnr sitting in my head telling me that its awesome - the Spidey spectacle I would've killed to see at that age. But that kid is always competing for attention with another voice - my own personal black goop of realism yelling "we didn't think it worked as a film".

Walking out of the theatre at 2.30ish-am on a Thursday morning surrounded by fellow nerds, I was wide awake. I loved the movie, and couldn't understand why everyone around me had greeted the credits with a resounding 'meh'.

But as the days have worn on that black goop has roped its was up the arm of my sleeping inner child and dulled my appreciation.

The thing that finally told me I wasn't as impressed as I wanted to be was this - I didn't want to write a review. I'm the kind of bespeckled nerd who gets extremely passionate about comics books. My other great passion is talking loudly. Marry the two and I love to ramble endlessly, be it out loud or digitally, about things like Spiderman 3.

But I can't form a cohesive review as I'm very much in two minds about the movie. When I'm awake I'm telling people how fun it was to watch, how cool it was to see Spidey in motion and action. When I'm asleep the black goop takes me on a tour of poor composition and lost focus.

 

With years of comic book reading behind me - especially Spiderman comics - I've digested more than enough story. I'm in the theatre to get what I can't from comics - to see Spidey in action and motion. When I say that a two hour movie of Spidey just swinging through the city stopping petty crimes would be met with my unabashed praise, you may understand why I can enjoy Spidey 3 where others have not.

 

I've retroactively read almost every appearance of Venom. I've seen the character go from alien cool to a diluted, overexposed anti-hero mess that is used as an example of 90s comics gone wrong. I've seen Peter Parker struggle with his inner darkness in the face of alien symbiotes, dead girlfriends, clones, shot aunts, dead-by-his-inactive-hand uncles and more sci-fi mashups than you can shake a webshooter at. I've seen Sandman grow from a one-note thug into a merc-for-hire into a hero and back again.

With that in mind, I think I'll ultimately remember Spiderman 3 as a movie I enjoyed. It is deeply flawed, but it was fun. 12-year-old Stefan is ringing that church bell for all he's worth.

 

In lieu of a cohesive critique, I'm just going to list some things I liked or didn't like about the movie.

 

LIKED: Sandman. Effects-wise he was awesome. His rebirth spectacular when he first formed and touching when he reached for a symbol of his daughter. My inner geek loved his straight-from-the-comic appearance. Enjoyed the take on the character as a desperate man making bad choices.

 

DISLIKED: Sandman's inclusion in Uncle Ben's death. This felt unneccesary, and kind of makes the Peter Parker of Spiderman 1 an unnecessary murderer. I think Peter and our sympathy for the character would have been sufficient without it.

 

LIKED: Spidey in action. Enjoyed the three-dimensional, never-hit-the-ground nature of the fights. Effects looked great to my admittedly damaged eyes. Spiderman's unique abilities were showcased well.

 

DISLIKED: Spidey in action? While we saw Peter being affected by the black costume, we didn't see a lot of that from Spiderman. I missed seeing Spiderman swinging around the city doing miscellaneous good. I thought the opening fight with Harry could've had a cool reveal where Peter is smashed into a building and emerges in costume as a nice way to announce the character.

The one fight where Spidey is in the black costume, fighting Sandman after learning of their personal connection, seemed designed to show us that Spidey was aggressive and powerful, but that didn't really come across. His enhanced abilities didn't play much of a part and his rage could easily have come from what he had just learned.

 

            Nerd Tangent: Here's a five-minute scene that I think could've helped the movie's message: Woman is getting mugged at gunpoint. Spidey is swinging around. In a black blur he swings down, kicks the mugger in the chest and then carries on. The mugger is brutally sent flying half a block away and Spidey doesn't miss a beat. Doesn't stop to see if she's ok, no longer seeks praise. Certainly doesn't check to see if mugger is still alive. A montage of this a la Spidey 1 would've been great. Bloodied muggers caught in black webs. A Bugle headline showing that crime was down because criminals are shit scared. Show that this dark method is effective to make the issue complex. How about a car chase that's stopped by Spidey landing in front of the car and using its momentum to twist it from the ground and send it soaring through a 3rd story window? Little glimpses of a powerful, dark Spidey.

 

LIKED: Saturday Night Fever. I loved the dance sequence and the jazz club sequence. They were cheesy. They were lame. They were glorious. Because Peter Parker is lame. He is cheesy. Jazzed up on black, alien crack, Peter struts down the street and, for once, gets an approving stare from a female. This leads him to pick up a sharp suit and start disco dancing in the street, by this time oblivious to the fact that everyone thinks he's a dick. This captured something great - no matter what happens, Peter will never be cool. He's a dork. All the Travolta-riffing in the world won't help that. Awesome sequence.

 

DISLIKED: This again? It would be cool if Spiderman could get through a movie with his mask on his face and intact. I realise that its harder to connect with an actor if you can't see his face, and that Toby's paycheck warrants face time, but it's starting to become almost parody. Having his mask taken off I can take, but the constant ripping off is getting old. Its been done every time, and its starting to stretch even my credibility that his identity is not publicly known. Why stand 15 metres from a parade in your honor without your mask on?

 

LIKED: Topher Grace and Venom. I really like the take on Venom. I'm sure many will feel slighted that much of his comic persona was stripped. He didn't refer to himself as "we" for example. No slathering tongue. No looking chameleon powers. But given the nature of the symbiote as displayed I thought it was great. With the possible exception of Bruce Campbell, Topher Grace was the best part of this movie. He did a fantastic job with the character and I liked that, once he was Venom, he was still the same evil smart-ass that he'd always been, just with Spidey's powers over the top. I think its possible to bring Venom back and I hope they do, if only to see more of Topher's performance. There is much to explore with the character beyond that seen, and I think another Venom heavy movie would work without overexposing the character a-la the comic world. Exploring the duality of his mind, his being 'evil Spiderman', his invisibility to Spider-sense and be-anyone ability could be great fun. Please no Carnage.

 

DISLIKED: No spider-sense. I wouldn't have noticed this if it wasn't for Venom - who's comic book version is famously invisible to Spidey's danger sense. I did miss it though. Some of the coolest scenes from the previous two centered on this; the school fight with Flash, the car coming through the window. Its a unique ability and I would've like to see it represented. Harry picking Peter up off his bike and other such moments could've still worked with spider-sense.

 

LIKED: Bruce Campbell. 'Nuff said. Cameo done right. Sorry Stan Lee.

 

DISLIKED: Lack of focus. The big thing people said both before and after this movie was that the inclusion of so many villains would leave it unfocused and rushed. Sadly this did prove to be the case somewhat but I don't think the number of villains was the cause. Rather, focus was paid to the wrong areas. There was a lot of time spent on Peter and Mary-Jane when the point had already been made. Same with Harry. This left important moments - Harry's realisation of Pete's goodness, Venom's 'birth' -  to rely on quick deux ex butlers to get by.

Here's how I - obviously a scriptwriting visionary - would've handled the storyline without missing anything: Spidey is popular. Peter want to marry MJ, gets ring. Sandman escapes from prison and gains powers. Harry attacks Peter and is knocked out. Meteor falls and discovers Spidey. Spidey fights Sandman and is soundly defeated. Symbiote bonds, Spidey powerful, smashing criminals while Peter flirting with Gwen and treating MJ badly. Humiliates Brock. Harry gets out of hospital, falsely reconciles with Peter and moves in on MJ. Peter faces Sandman and defeats him with unnecessary violence. MJ's 'I'm leaving you'. Peter confronts Harry, hard truths exchanged, Harry disfigured. Peter removes symbiote, it bonds with Brock. Brock blackmails Sandman to help him. Peter fights both villains with help of 11th hour appearance by Harry in a Han Solo, need not be explained manner. Sandman leaves, repentant. Eddie separated from Symbiote, which is seemingly killed. Harry dies. Pete and MJ reconcile.

Sure, there's a lot going on there, but it could have been covered easily in the time alloted without the fluff.

 

LIKED: The comic-book feel. Midnight atomic sand-tests and unexplained meteors may strike a bum note with some movie-goers, but it had me reminiscing about the comics of my youth.

 

DISLIKED: My main problem with this film, but really the whole trilogy, is Spiderman's personal involvement with almost everything he faces.

Raimi's injection of humanity into his supervillains has worked wonders in most cases. In the first film it was great to see the interplay between Spidey, the Goblin, Peter and ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Norman.

Three films in, however, and I can't help but feel that this all just makes Peter seem less heroic. Allow me to explain.

The Green Goblin was a huge part of the Spidey mythos because he was so personal to Peter. He knew his real identity, his son was his best friend and that Goblin legacy impacted on all facets of Peter's life for generations. This was powerful because it stood in stark contrast to the other villains in Peter's life.

In the movies each climax involves the capture of Mary-Jane. Peter's primary motivation is to save her. Each major villain he is confronting has captured his girlfriend. In three this is heightened by one random disaster, an out-of-control crane, directly threatening Gwen Stacey, his second love interest.

It feels like Spiderman is only getting involved when is private life is threatened, where I think it would seem more heroic if he was stopping these villains because, well, it's the right thing to do.

In the final fight of three, Spidey had enough reason to fight without MJ's involvement. A guy using his own powers for evil? A desperate man he has overly victimised driven to the edge? Imagine same scenario but with three taxis full of random people strung up. Same emotional punch, no retreading.

 

So there were are. If anything proves that I've been thinking a lot about this film, its a 2,000 word ramble. Appearances to the contrary - its easier for me to write out the negatives - I did really enjoy the film. It's got a lot of flaws, but it was damn entertaining.

 

If you don't care at all about this stuff and you're still reading; I deeply apologise.

 

[self indulgent rambling /off]

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PS: Shatner is awesometastic.

Many moons ago I used to sing in a band.

One thing that always struck me when I would sit down to write a song was that I always found it easier to write about negative things. I'm not sure why, but I suspect that when I'm happy I'm just too busy doing the things that make me happy to bother with all these songwriting shenanigans.

 

As an interesting side note, I eventually decided to broaden my musical horizons and learn the guitar, opening myself to the stage once and for all. This allowed me to flourish into the consummate musician I am today, and I can proudly say today that I can play up to three chords in the same song, as long as I can find my pick.

 

Of course, a fingernail-chewing habit long ago blossomed into a fingertip-biting habit, and I often have to wait out month-long healing processes before I can even look at a steel string.

 

My last blog detailed five things that have been making me mad of late.

Originally I had intended to include a list of five things I was enjoying but, somewhat unsurprisingly, I ended up writing 1,500-odd words of complaints. Complaining is easy, especially when you don't bother with all that constructive-proposal-of-a-solution malarkey.

 

So, in the interest of presenting a less psychotic public profile, I present the balance: Five things I've been digging.

 

Five Things I have been Enjoying in the Recent Past: The First: Comic Books.

 

I used to collect a lot of comic book when I was a kid. It is fair to say that I purchased as many Spider-man and Wolverine comics as my father could reasonably afford. After a long hiatus I'm back into the hobby with a vengeance. The catalyst was my discovery of this new-fangled podcasting thingamajig - which incidently allows me to get Media Watch sent to my laptop every week, hoping I don't appear on screen but guffawing at those who do. I now subscribe quite religiously to ComicGeekSpeak, a podcast in which a group of comic fans sit around and talk about comics. I realise this would be incredibly lame to almost everybody, but it provides me with the illusion of something I haven't had in a long time, and never really had to start with, a group of guys to talk comics with. Between that and Chris' Invincible Super Blog - www.the-isb.blogspot.com - I'm reading and enjoying more comics than ever. If you're at all interested in the medium I suggest you go out and read Invincible, Girls and Mouseguard as soon as possible - all quite different, all really excellent. Also Sandman. Read Sandman.

 

Five Things I have been Enjoying in the Recent Past: The Second: LOST.

 

I felt a tang of disappointment after watching the six episode subset that kicked of LOST's third season, but now that things are up and running again on a weekly schedule, I'm loving it. The last three or so episodes have been some of the best, with the formula tighter than ever and lots of awesome stuff happening.

I was a bit nonplused with all the hatchiness of the second season as I felt it lost a lot of the island flavor, but it was never awful, and its back with flying colors.

I can't really recommend jumping onto the show right now, as its the sort of thing you'd really have had to of watched since the start, but if you can get your hands on it, pick it up.

Of course, if you're one of those people that thinks that nothing happens on the show and that its just too slow, there's nothing I can tell you to change your mind - you're just watching the wrong show.

Anyone who didn't get a big, stupid grin on their faces seeing Hurley driving his van around in big, lazy circles is made of stone. MADE OF STONE!

 

Five Things I have been Enjoying in the Recent Past: The Third: Cocooning.

 

I am having a great time at home with my awesome girlfriend. If you've been trying to call me I apologise, but I don't really feel bad about not answering.

 

Five Things I have been Enjoying in the Recent Past: The Fourth: Wii.

 

My Nintendo Wii is the most awesome technological device in the history of unnecessary consumerism. It's that fun. Even after all this time I'm still addicted to Wii Tennis, and playing that four-players is the ultimate in goofy fun. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance rocks, and I'm romping through the old Gamecube catalogue like a man possessed. Downloadable NSW game chunks of my childhood? Bonus. The only drawback? My Mii looks exactly like me, but also like a gigantic dork. The conclusion is inescapable.

 

Five Things I have been Enjoying in the Recent Past: The Fifth: Inadvertently cyber-stalking by twin brother.

 

I have Google Alerts set up to email me every time Broken Hill is mentioned in the news, as it aids the whole working-there-for-a-newspaper-thing.

I was tinkering with the settings recently and, on a whim, decided to set up a similar thing with my surname as well. This is because, obviously, I am a well-adjusted awesome machine.

So, on top of emailing me every time an article of mine goes online (about twice), I also get an email every time me brother's name is mentioned on the interyweb (about seventy-billion).

apparently, all this 'taking his local music scene by storm' stuff isn't total crap, as he's name-checked in many a music article.

Before I knew it, I was accidently peeking into his work on quite a regular basis, even listening to a podcast he was on. It's kinda creepy I know, but it sure does save on phone money.

 

It dawns on me that if you've never seen LOST, read comics or payed a Wii, you will have no idea what I'm talking about in the passages above. I hope this will encourage you to grow. 

Also, Eileen and I are doing another every-episode of Futurama marathon. Unlike the Simpsons, I can seemingly watch that show endlessly and still laugh out loud at episodes.

 

Great zombie Jesus!

UNUSUALLY HIGH LEVEL OF VENOM AND COURSE LANGUAGE ALERT

I haven't been blogging recently as I've been trying to write a short story after a fit of inspiration struck - brought on by listening to an audiobook of Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things, read by the author himself.

Fragile Things is excellent, and a great way to introduce yourself to Gaiman's work if you're interested. Failing that, you should read everything else he's ever written. It's that good. Do you like comics? Read Sandman. 'Serious' novels more your style? American Gods. Quasi-children's fiction with an appeal to all ages? Coraline.

Unfortunately, my foray into the world of the short story has proved, despite my fevered dreamings, that I am not Neil Gaiman, or a contemporary of his par. The fact that my writing rarely cracks 3,000 words and has been largely restricted to news articles and Dungeons and Dragons adventures had tipped me off to this somewhat, but a boy can dream.

So, with my short story sitting digitally on a shelf awaiting my first crack at the fabled 'rewrite', I thought I'd go for the polar opposite: The point-form list! Why write an original work with broad appeal when I can just spew my opinions into the blogosphere? Right? RIGHT?

So, from the top of my unkempt head, here are five things that have been pissing me off recently, followed by five things that I've been enjoying thoroughly! Doop-de-do!

     

Tangent: 'Doop-de-do' in my brain is that little melody played on a trumpet when a king walks into a room, poised to present someone - possibly Han Solo, but never Chewie - with a sparkling award. As written, it unfortunately looks like the greeting used when Pokemon and Telletubbies cross paths at a bearbecue, and realise they have nothing to talk about.

     

Tangent 2: A bearbecue is where the Care Bears, having fallen into obscurity, are roasted and eaten for the consumption of this generation's kid culture icons. They are sombre affairs, as everyone enjoys their excess while realising they could be next on the spit. It is also a fortunate spelling mistake.

 

Things That Have Been Irritating Me Number 1: The state of Australian television

Back when the iTunes Music Store started up, it was poo-pooed by a lot of people who didn't believe the people downloading music for free would ever pay for it. Unsurprisingly, that turned out to be crap. People will pay for a good product. The internet changes the playing field, and people utilising it are often not the crazified criminals they are portrayed as. "Downloaders do drugs! And use the money to buy unwilling slaves to crack X-Boxes! OOOOhhhhh".

If the shows I wanted to watch were available for paid download in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Australia, I would pay for them. I'm not a criminal looking to short-change the television industry out of programing I already get for free - I'm just sick of being treated like an idiot for supporting them.

When Australian stations are holding back American content for six-odd months - usually to see if its a hit or not before taking the plunge - it can't be surprising that people are getting it from other venues.

In the past, this was a pretty sensible business model, but not anymore. Today I can read a synopsis or actually watch a program shown in American the night before. Online, I'm subjected to the same buzz about up-and-coming shows as US audiences, only I don't get to watch the show until much later - if at all.

This, coupled with a campaign to limit the limitless potential of digital broadcasting in order to keep making money and a schedule littered with junk reality TV, adds up to my current viewing habits: I watch quite a bit of TV, but I don't watch it on TV. Really, a shoe about 'real car chases'? Which is like an action movie without the cool bits?

I really think modern viewers have outgrown the 'watch this show at 8.30 Wednesday' model. In the US, I could download shows for a coupla bucks, or for free if I choked back a few ads. If I had that option here I would embrace it gladly.

 

Things That Have Been Irritating Me Numero 2: Racism and its constant presence.

When racism blew up on Australian beaches some time ago, politicians fell over themselves to say the country 'didn't have a problem with racism'. Well, I don't know where the hell he's living, but I see that shit every day.

Head over to my lovely girlfriend Obscene Pickle's kudos-laden blog (she's my number one friend!) to hear a recent interview with Pauline Hanson in which she, among other things, refers to 'Christian Muslims' and their superiority over the regular variety. WTF? Drop her a comment (my girlfriend, not Hanson), she's awesome (my lifepartner, not Hanson).

The fact that she (Hanson, not my girlfriend) struck a chord with so many Australians back in the day is all we need to hear before deciding that yes, there is a racism problem in Australia.

I've had my fair amount of run-ins with the offensive racist, who hates people based on color alone and will spew venom like a cornered snake at the drop of a culturally-insensitive hat, but those people are not my main concern, they're just idiots.

My real worry is the subtle undercurrent of racism that seems to flow across so many otherwise-intelligent Australians in this country.

Some examples of racism that I've encountered were able to make me feel like I'd stumbled onto the set of The Office, acoustic guitar in hand. The scary thing is, no-one else seems to notice the inappropriateness.

Now, I know white people who are violent, stupid, smelly, ugly, offensive, criminally-inclined, broke, homeless, good at maths, bad at maths, religious, non-religious, religious in the wrong way, and sometimes all those things at once.

However, that does not influence my view of the white race now does it.

If you heard that I, after a particularly impressive bender, had punched someone into unconsciousness before stealing a car to drive home in, would you think:

A) Wow, Stefan is an idiot, or

B) Wow, white people are idiots.

What if the same actions were attributed to an Aboriginal Person? Chinese Person? Eskimo?

If you think that immigrants are stealing our country or that black/yellow/Klingon people are all criminals/ne'er-do-wells then I respect your beliefs, just don't bring that shit into my life, or my MySpace inbox for that matter.

 

Things That Have Been Irritating Me Tres: 'That's so gay'.

I was guilty of this particular irk when I was in high school, but luckily grew out of it.

In popular slang, the word 'gay' means anything stupid or disagreeable.

Listening to a group of, let's say teenage boys talking, you'll often hear the phrases 'that's so gay' or 'you're so gay'. Of course, these people aren't equating the word with sexuality, what they mean is 'that's stupid' or 'you're an idiot'. This decontextualisation is often their defense when confronted, they didn't mean to be offense to gay people. Well, I don't buy it.I buy they may think that, but that doesn't get them off the hook. They know the other meaning of the word, so they are either choosing to ignore that or are just too stupid to realise it.

I know if I at school kept hearing "you're so guy with glasses" or "that's so dude who knows Wolverine's entire backstory" used to mean that stuff was shit, I would be offended.

Think about sitting in a room where everyone is using you as an example of what they hate, and then shut the fuck up.

 

Things That Have Been Irritating Me IV: Weather, and the boredom it produces.

Weather is boring. Today a Tsunami struck the Solomon Islands and the media (except me, of course) tried desperately to make me care about the implications for Australia. Of course, they ignored the fact that the danger to us had pretty much passed before I'd gotten out of bed.

Don't get me wrong, eXXXtreme weather is of interest - hurricanes, tsunamis, droughts - but more for the affects than the weather itself. If it rains I'll grab an umbrella, if it's hot I'll wear shorts. Just don't try to pique my interest with 'potential storm on the way!' or high pressure bands. I don't care. I can't.

 

Things That Have Been Irritating Me Five (or, the number I can't think of writing any other way): The Issue of Global Warming.

It seems that global warming is on everybody's lips right now. The thing is, I've been hearing about global warming for as long as I can remember and nobody's given a rat's ass.

The reason the governments of the world are starting to take it seriously now is because of money - they don't like the idea that the total annihilation of life on the planet could impact the bottom line.

At the same time, John Howard keeps blocking attempted to curtail the country's carbon emissions, saying that they'd hurt the economy.

Well you know who makes very little money? A dead guy. A desiccated, heatstroke suffering dead guy.

      Tangent: Except Elvis, who still makes buckets. In that case, the entire record-buying public would have to die too, which still kind of holds to the main point.

I realise this is an extreme case, but you can't eat money. You can use $50 bills to fan your forehead, but that's a bandaid solution at best.

So there you go. I have a list of five things I've been enjoying recently, and maybe I'll write that now I've gotten rid of the venom I've been carrying recently.

My advice to you: Never trust a man with a moustache.

Now, I hold nothing against men who wish to cultivate some southbound facial hair. Well, I do, but that stems more from my own inability to grow a beard than anything else.

I don't shave as often as I should - maybe once or twice a week - but really, after a week all I've ever managed to accomplish is a patchy teenage moustache and an irregular wispy patch on my neck. People often comment 'oh, you missed a spot on your neck', and I am forced to inform them that no, I simply haven't shaved since 1975.

As a nerd of epic proportions, I should be genetically predisposed towards the growing of a nice goatee, but alas, no.

      Nerd Tangeant No 1: All nerds grow goatees at some time or another. Not sure why. Could it be the time-honored Mirror Universe principal handed down by Shatner and Spock? That a sci-fi character with a goatee is easily recognised as evil, mysterious and oozing with villianous cool? I suspect so. Stripped of the conventional methods of achieving cool - drink, friends, fashion sense - we turn to that which God has given us, the goatee.

In fact, it is probably my inability to bear a beard that stopped me from slipping into full-blown pencil-protector oblivion "a long, long time ago". I was forced to seek other avenues. I suppose I could have rocked the other way, concealing my bald chin behind a fly Darth Vadar helmet.

Nevertheless, a sole 'stache is not to be trusted.

The thing is, I get facial hair, Even those elaborate sideboard extensions resplendant with carved designs as if the secrets of the Pharohs lie within.

As someone who used to have hair roughly seven feet tall and hard as stone, I get beard pride. I understand beard maintenaince.

The thing is, a moustache sans beard is, well, creppy.

At best, it implies the owner wants facial hair, but is to lazy to take on the full responsibility

At worst, the owner does not want facial hair, but is compelled to conceal the lip ... they have something to hide.

You never know what is hiding inside someone's moustache, but it's usually highly illicit pornography, or a hastily rolled joint.

      Nerd Tangeant 2: Superman is generally held up as the pinnacle of morality, the 'Boy Scout'. He's always zooming around saving people from death, and never, ever punches people so hard they explode - even thought he can - even if he's finding out that Lois had a son with some dude of that his dad was vaporised. Pure class. But imagine if the guy had a moustace. No beard. It would change the whole dynamic. That single site of shaggy hair would change is clean-cut look, which so informs public perception.  Soon, the Daily Planet would be running articles speculating on a possible mistress, and pretty soon the guy's throwing taxis screaming "leave me alone! I didn't even inhale!" This would be a lie of course, because at that point a marijuana cigarette would tumble from his moustache.

The exception to all this is of course the Handlebar Moustache, which I provide wih capitalisation to denote its importance.

The 'bar is a feat unto itself. While some members of society strive to keep thir small business afloat, others are at home in front of a mirror, painstakingly applying an amount of product dense enough to maintain curl, but light enough to prevent droop.

Laziness is not a word they understand. If they have something to hide, it's that they are pillars of pure awesomeness.

      Nerd Tangeant 3: Now, if Superman had a Handlebar Moustache, he could rule the world. Well, he could do that anyway, but you know what I mean. If the Man of Steel showed the world that, for all his vast power, he was willing to take care of the finer things in life, like the grooming of a perfectly curved 'bar, respect would flow like Kryponian wine. It would show that he was in charge, in control. Crime would plumment as crooks and thieves realised that the Big S could freeze breath them to oblivion while still maintaining hold and shine.

Another thought: Hitler - moustache, no beard. What's more, it was a tiny moustache, and look at that guy. Taking this thought process to its conclusion, it's safe to assume that anyone with a moustache - no beard - wider than three centimetres is capable of genocide on a level the world has never seen.

      Nerd Tangeant 4: It is next to impossible for any discussion to occur on the internet, by it via blog, message board or MySpace page, without Hitler's name eventually coming up.

I now feel I have effectively demonstrated that my advice on whom and whom not to trust is accurate, and accompanied by rock solid evidence, such as the aforementioned Handlebar Superman.

With that in mind, I give you this: Never trust anyone who tries to tell you that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not the most awesome show ever seen on TV - especially the musical episode and season three. This person, regardless of their follicle count, is a bald-faced liar. See what I did there?

Indeed, anyone who tries to tell you that Hallie Berry's delivery of one line of dialouge in X-Men the movie somehow illustrates Joss Whedon's talents more effectively than Buffy, Angel and Firefly, is a moustache.

      Nerd Tangeant 5: Now that I have grown obessed with the idea of handlebar Superman, I am compelled to discuss the issue further. His only downfall, I feel, would be the loss of his secret identity, Clark Kent. Kent wouldn't wear a handlebar, and Supes wouldn't stop maintaining it simply to retain anonymity and his family's safety. He'd have to be Superman full time. This would be better for the world, as that's a lot more saving people he can be doing. This also proves the awesomeness of the Handlebar Moustache.

And yes, I am aware that I labelled something as a Nerd Tangent in the middle of a Buffy conversation.

Whoa, I just grew a goatee.

I realise it has been quite some time since I last posted a blog. I apologise.

See, after about a month, I start trying to formulate an apology, excuse or alibi as to why I've been so slack. Pretty soon, any energy reserved for writing is being invested into excusifying, and boom! No blog. This method plays a rather large factor in my day-to-day life. I'll get right on it though. Soon. You'll see. Promise.

Anyway, my Mum, Noeline celebrated her 50th birthday in November - she's floating around on Myspace somewhere if you'd like to meet her.

Geographical distance and my all-around laziness - with a well-prepared excuse of course - prevent me from purchasing gifts for most milestones, but this time I had very specific marching orders: 'I'm 50. I want a gift that says something about how you see me'.

A sensible request, delivered with plenty of notice, but it stumped the hell out of me. I procrastinated for quite some time. (I was busy :)), until Eileen - also a Myspace face - gave me a fantastic idea.

The idea was so good that I prmptly stole it. So, the gift was a piece of writing, which Eileen graciouly printed and framed to look lovely.

So, here's what I wrote. 

Why my mum's move to Canberra proves that she is awesome
Written by Stefan Delatovic for Noeline on her 50th birthday.

 

Some time after I had moved out of home, my mother did a very brave thing.

She had decided that it was time for a change, and a big one at that. She was going to move away and effectively start a new life.
When we meet someone new, we have certain touchstones to quickly provide a thumbnail sketch of our lives: Our job, our relationship, our home.
She would be changing all of this - moving from regional Australia to Canberra, where she would begin a new career and eventually marry a man whose devotion to her was rivalled only by his love for Keith Richards.

Before all that, my brother and I shared one of those cheap, unwashed little flats you find yourself in as you first step out of home.
One day I found myself sitting there with my mum telling me of this bold step. The thing was, she was asking for my permission.
At the time, I remember thinking that the underwhelming environs were unsuited to such a monumental moment.
It was apparent how much mum wanted this move, that she had thought long and hard and decided on her preferred path, but it was clear that if I had voiced opposition, she would have stayed.

The above exchange left me a bit floored at first. What right was it of mine to exert such control on my mum's life? At first I felt a little guilty, but I quickly realised the error in this.
People often ask for permission as a way of shifting responsibility, but that wasn't what was happening. I came to realise that I was being included, and I felt greatful for the opportunity. I felt so loved, with the knowledge that, if I wasn't yet able to look after myself, my mum would have revised her plans, her life, to be there for me.

I encouraged her to go on her merry adventure. Geographical distance was not insurmountable, I thought, and this has proven correct.
There have been hard times where I wish I could have been there for a gigantic, embarrassing hug - either to give or receive. We have both experienced hardship - financial and emotional - as well as death, despair and our fair share of idiots in the workplace.
But there's also been a lot of great stuff there. I've turned into a real live person, I've bought my first house and I'm in a stable relationship with a woman I adore, and a cat that I love.
My Mum has gotten married to a great guy, has bought two houses and taken on a number of fulfilling jobs. She also seems to have become quite the fishing ace.
I like to believe that our experiences have been enriched by each other. We've provided solace in the rough patches, praise for accomplishments and, most importantly, a person with which to slag off others.

I think the above experience represents my mum pretty well. Mostly because a change so monumental didn't seem surprising. I've always admired her courage in making such a move, but for someone so bold, it seemed like an everyday thing.
Her devotion to her sons is always evident, and it's something I am immensely greatful for.

There are a lot more stories to share, but I'll leave it at one last line.

Happy birthday.

So, there it is. I post it here as a little testament to my mum, who, as explained above, is awesome.

As an aside, today I was responsible for a gigantic, bold headline to be emblazoned across the front of our local newspaper - where I am a journalist - which read "Politicans won't be coming". Ouch.

 

 

 

 

Working under the rather large assumption that this blog attracts a readership, an announcement is in order.

I've started writing movie reviews and articles for the local Video Ezy's Myspace page.

As my brother happpens to manage the store, I already spend an inordinate amount of time there in the physical world, so I may as well hang out on the digital coouch as well.

Anyway, you'll find my latest blog - a commentary on an old fave, The Matrix - over there.

I believe the address is www.myspace.com/videoezybrokenhill

So, I'll no doubt write a few there rather rapidly, as it is all shiny and new. Tell me what you think if you do in fact exist.

And thanks to everyone who has provided positive comments about the blog. Much appreciated.