Yes, that's right!!!  BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!!

Because 6 out of the possible 223,169,949 people in my MySpace network wanted to know where I've been.

Here's my response (and I'm sticking to it!):

MY LIFE

5:00AM - Get up and get ready to go to work.

7:00AM - Board train to go to work.

8:00AM - Begin work.

5:00PM - End work.

6:00PM - De-board train from work.

7:00PM - Go to bed to get ready to get up and get ready to go to work all over again.

(Gee...this boring written rendition of it doesn't even BEGIN to capture the true essence of its fucked-up-ed-ness.)

Fuck me.

I MISS YOU GUYS!!!

The other day, in Hillsboro, OR it snowed.  As I'm discovering, not so rare an event…rare only in that usually the weather report predicts that it may snow – and then – it either does or doesn't.  This day's snow was rare in that, while we knew it would be cold enough to snow, there wasn't supposed to be a cloud in the sky, so the surprise snow came as, well, a surprise.

A surprise not just to me, I discovered…apparently, it surprised the neighborhood resident Christmas sparrows who, in herds (do Christmas sparrows travel in herds?  Or is it gaggles?  Or schools?)  Well, whatever they travel in, they, too, were surprised, as was evidenced by their agitating flitting here and there, to and fro, chirping and screeching (in their own little wee voices) as they skittered about.  I watched and listened while the snowflakes fell around me, like frozen tears from an unseen heaven, and I remembered the movie I watched the night before, an adaptation of a Steven King story, "The Dark Side", in which an unborn twin, swallowed up by the surviving twin, returns to life and begins taking over the surviving twin's life.  And how whenever he is present, a gaggle – herd – school of sparrows goes on a rampage, because sparrows – as we know throughout history – are the vessels for carrying souls of the dead to heaven to reappear as the souls of newborn babies.

And I remembered the movie, "The Seventh Sign", where heaven had run out of souls and Demi Moore's newborn baby was about to be born without a soul, meaning the end of all mankind.  So, rather than have the world end, she chose to die during childbirth so her baby would be born with a soul and mankind could live on, at least for another pregnancy.

And I thought about my pregnant friend at work whose due date was 12/3 and her stubborn little daughter just refuses to leave her safe little world, so that night, at midnight, my friend was scheduled to go to the hospital and have labor induced, so the over-eager parents can finally meet this overly-stubborn, reluctant-to-show-her-face bundle of joy.

And all these random thoughts swirled around my head as I watched the snowflakes swirl around my face and watched the agitated sparrows swirl around my deck and I thought, wryly to myself…and smiling, outloud, in a smile one can only smile during this mysteriously wonderous time of year…I wondered who, during this holiday season, is about to lose a precious soul – as evidenced by the spiraling sparrows – a precious soul who would be swept by these sparrows to heaven to reappear in my friend's baby girl, whose birth will be any time now…

…and my telephone rang, so I had to leave the swirling snowflakes and swirling sparrows and my swirling thoughts during this oh-so-special time of the year…

…and it was my son.

My son's mother died today,

while snowflakes swirled,

and sparrows spiraled,

and heaven cried surprised and frozen tears;

and while a baby girl waited to be born.

Because I got to spend the four-day holiday weekend not working and sans family, I had plenty of time to think about those things I am and am not thankful for.  The biggest conclusion I was able to draw is that I should not be given four days off in a row.

Here is my list;  for those of you who WERE surrounded by family and friends for 4 whole days (not to worry…this year, you can do it again for 3 whole days at Christmas!), you should be able to relate:

THINGS FOR WHICH I AM NOT THANKFUL

1.       My beloved 49ers are on a re-building pace akin to this nation's building a viable "Healthcare Coverage Plan for Everyone".

2.       I currently work for a company that pays 100% of my medical, dental, vision, and life insurance policies, only because that is cheaper than paying for 100% of my work-related work-induced stress disorders.

3.       $76.00 buys me the monthly pass to the daily freak-show called "Riding the Max with Fellow Portlandites" who insist they must "Keep Portland Weird".

4.       Gas costs $4.00 per gallon, milk costs $4.00 per gallon, and Coors Light costs $4.00 per 12-oz bottle.

5.       My new fantabulous job keeps me newly and fantabulously too busy to visit my friends on MySpace (and IRL).

6.       It's always Raining in Portland.  (It's either always raining or it's the  universe's way of saying, "Piss on YOU!!!")

7.        I have to go to work while it's always Raining in Portland, so I have to get my artificial happiness fix from an artificial light source instead of a natural light source, like, say…a Coors' light.

8.       My Dear Beloved, who always says the worst possible thing at the best possible moment.

9.       My son lives 500 miles and $500 away from me.

10.   My family lives 500 miles and $500 away from me.

THINGS FOR WHICH I AM EXTREMELY THANKFUL

1.      My beloved 49ers are not televised nearly as frequently now that they are in their perpetual re-building phase.

2.      I currently work for a company that pays 100% of my medical, dental, vision and life insurance policies so I don't have to pay for them AND pay for 100% of my work-related work-induced stress disorders.

3.      For only $76.00 per month, I get a month's worth of note-worthy blogging topics.

4.      I have a job that allows me to afford to pay $4.00 per unit for the necessities of life.

5.      I have friends to miss on MySpace (and IRL).

6.      It's always Raining in Portland, so there'll be plenty of beautiful flowers to see next spring, when the sun comes out for 2 whole and consecutive hours, on July 29^th.

7.      My Happy Light, which, at $0.0002 per kilowatt hour, is cheaper than my Coors' light and is more legal than marijuana.

8.      My Dear Beloved, who always says the best possible thing at the worst possible moment.

9.      My son.

10.  My family lives 500 miles and $500 away from me.

HA!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful 4-day break from your normal stresses and were able to engage in only a few once-a-year (or, til Christmas) stresses.  If you haven't already – and you're still close enough to be able to – give each and every one of your loved ones and extra-long, extra-strong hug;  do it in "honor" of me, since I can't.

And, remember, as any good Christian will tell you…do it now, 'cuz:

You never know what God has planned for you tomorrow!

(BUT JUST BARELY)

And, even in the broadest sense of the word, I do not think this qualifies as "living"…

(If any of you would like a blow-by-blow of my current state of affairs, send me a message and I'll fill you in…too many prying eyes to share it all publicly…)

Here is a recap of my "life" for the past  month…

My new job makes it possible for me to enjoy this new suburbia-to-metro mode of public transportation, locally referred to as "The Max".  Ahhh…the joys of sharing a seat with sniffling, coughing, scab-ridden homeless people who hop on the Max to share some body heat and some titillating conversation with absolute strangers (that would be ME).  What a joyous snippet of the under-world, right here in the confines of a 45 MPH traveling germ-infested glass enclosure!!!  Where I get to enjoy scenes like a 22-year-old guy trying to hit on a 24-year-old chick, who randomly belts out tunes from Mozart…I know it's Mozart because when she gets done randomly belting out a few notes, she proclaims, "God, I just love Mozart, don't you?!?", who also proudly proclaims, "Wow…I was a geek in high school, who never got talked to by anyone…but in the last few months, all sorts of guys hit on me!!!"  These two, who just met and are standing side-by-side on the Max, right next to me, spend their time not only sharing little tidbits about eachother to eachother (and everyone else within earshot…and by earshot, I mean, within 3 city blocks), but also texting eachother.  Apparently, each of them is so absolutely fascinating that a normal side-by-side conversation cannot possibly do justice to the "getting to know you" phase, they must also cram in text messages to truly capture the essence of who each of them truly is!

I get to check out the latest of fashions, like hole-ridden purple tights, worn under equally-hole-ridden fish net stockings, worn under a red, green, and yellow pleated plaid mini skirt, worn just below the hips and just below a short, cropped sleeveless T-shirt with a message strewn across the front, like "Keep Portland Weird", all capped off with toeless stacked-heeled pumps…not intentionally toeless, mind you…toeless, because the toes have been deliberately torn out in some sort of "I'm young, I'm hip" fashion statement…and, of course, all of this is worn by some 240 pound, 52-year-old woman who is thoroughly convinced she looks "hot"…

Yes, the mantra here in Portland is "Keep Portland Weird", like we need a reminder to ensure the continuation of the obvious.  Folks…let  me assure you…if a federal mandate came down tomorrow, calling for the immediate exile of 70% of randomly-selected Portlanders, the remaining 30% would carry on – without missing a beat – the cause of "Keep(ing) Portland Weird".  No danger of Portland returning to normalcy any time soon…

Once, in danger of just missing my train, I quickly jumped on with the doors just missing my 50 carry-on tote behind me, to quickly grab the first-available seat.  Upon settling in, I noticed a 20' perimeter where no one – save one lone individual – was seated.  Within seconds, I was able to ascertain why this otherwisely-loaded car, packed to the rim with sardine-impersonating commuters was empty around me and my (forced-upon me) traveling companion – a homeless woman, seated just in front me, who was carrying on an obviously-heated argument with herself.  In the middle of  a particularly important point she was trying to make to herself, she paused, lifted her left ass cheek about 8" off the seat under her and let rip one of the longest (and, as I was soon discover, most aromatic) farts…the kind of which would make Guinness and his world-record verifiers pause and take notice.  Then, she returned to making her point to herself.  I can not tell you if she won or lost this argument with herself, because as the aroma wafted my way, I, too, joined my fellow commuters in our impression of "How Many Clowns Can You Cram Into a Clown Car?" and stood, having my breasts, ass, and other various and assundry anatomical parts examined, free of charge, for lumps. 

My new job allows me to actually indulge my football-watching fix.  Each Sunday, I can be found, like every other true football fan, seated in front of the TV, in my LazyBoy, with my LazyBoy (aka, My Dear Beloved) by my side, with a Coors Light in one hand, remote in the other, enjoying the joys of the season.  Because I live in Portland, I am spared the minute-by-minute embarrassment of watching my beloved 49ers get their individual and collective asses handed to them on a tarnished silver platter week-in and week-out.  Because I do not get to witness it first-hand, but can only hear of it, I am confident there IS truth to the rumor that IF the 49ers opponent WAS delayed in getting to the game, it would – in fact – take the 9ers over three tries to get a first-down, and on the inevitable fourth-and-long, they would – in fact – throw an interception to a non-existent opponent, who would – in fact – return it for a touchdown, making the score 56-0 at halftime.

Ahhh…thank God I have my memories of Joe Montana to keep me warm, fat, and happy.

Speaking of being warm, fat, and happy – my Happy Light seems to be doing the trick.  For those of you who have no idea what a "Happy Light" is, because you live in a region of the U.S. where the sun DOES appear at least one day of each month, it is a hot-selling device (mandatory in remote regions of Russia) that mimics sunlight to ward off S.A.D.  (S.A.D. is a condition known to afflict people forced to live out their days in Portland, Oregon due to some unknown sin committed in a previous lifetime upon some hitherto unknown victim by some hitherfore unbeknownst sinner…i.e., me.)  My Happy Light is so bright and so effective that the 15 minutes spent staring directly into it each morning blinds me for the rest of my day to the plight otherwise known as "Paying Penance in Portland".  Hell, if it weren't for the fact that I get soaked with Portland's Liquid Sunshine within 30 seconds of stepping outside, I probably wouldn't even notice that lack of sunlight!

My, oh my, I miss you all terribly and wonder what – on earth – (or in hell, as the case may be) I have done to deserve such a life sentence.  No human deserves such a stiff penalty…and I am now, more than ever, firmly committed to the idea that the death penalty is far more humane.  If we, as a society, TRULY wanted to make criminals suffer, we would sentence them, not to a life in prison, but to a life residing in Portland, Oregon.  Hell, just knowing that this COULD be a sentence would drop the national crime rate by a good 65%, alone.

But, I still have my wonderful sense of humor intact, despite the continuous and unrelenting daily beatings (which will continue until morale improves) which is evidenced by the fact that each weekday I continue to arise at 5:00AM, only to return (if I'm lucky – and Max is running on schedule) by 7:00PM, leaving me plenty of time to grab a bite to eat and get to bed, so I can get up and do it all over again. 

As was recently pointed out to me by someone near-and-dear to me (and by "near-and-dear", I mean in physical proximity, NOT in emotional sentimentality), I am, perhaps, a tad too sensitive.  Such a determination of my immediate state of affairs, I laughingly pointed out to myself, IS one way to look at it…akin to turning  a bull loose in a china shop and then blaming the china for being "too sensitive" to the inevitable carnage – yes, perhaps, the china SHOULD have been made of stronger stuff...but, then again, if it WAS made of stronger stuff, I guess it wouldn't be "china" then, would it?

Yes, my life, as is true with all things, really does depend on one's point of view.  Unfortunately, MY point of view, when viewing my life, is a tad bit too close to the situation to be completely objective.  Which is why, of course, I rely on the keen and uncanny observations of those "near-and-dear" to me to provide such noteworthy assessments of my current state of affairs;  I LOVE to hear the bull's point of view when storming by me at break-neck speeds – it puts EVERYTHING in its proper perspective.

And how was your month???

I really want to know.

Unless, of course, you are the bull…then, really, I've heard enough from you!

DENTIST CLAIMS BREAST RUBS APPROPRIATE

WOODLAND, Calif. — 

A dentist accused of fondling the breasts of 27 female patients is trying to keep his dental license by arguing that chest massages are an appropriate procedure in certain cases. Mark Anderson's lawyer says dental journals discuss the need to massage the pectoral muscles to treat a common jaw problem.

Police say Anderson said during recorded phone calls that he routinely massaged patients' chests to treat temporo-mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, which causes neck and head pain.

Yes, Mr. Anderson, but your patients were there simply to get a cavity filled.  (No, not THAT cavity…)

Attorney Robert Zaro told administrative law judge Jonathan Lew at a hearing Thursday that he should let Anderson keep his dental license while disciplinary appeals proceed. Anderson would be supervised by two assistants and would no longer do the chest rubs, Zaro said.

Zaro said Anderson, 48, of Woodland, needs to keep seeing patients so he can feed his seven children and pay for his defense.  "My client needs to continue to show up at the place and continue with the activities that got him in trouble to begin with or he won't be able to support his large family.  You, as taxpayers, do not really want he and his brood in the welfare system, do you?"

The judge made no immediate decision.  This novel argument caused the judge to pause and to reconsider the wisdom of every other decision he's ever made while seated on the bench.

Lew suspended Anderson's dental license last month. He was charged with two misdemeanor counts of battery and sexual battery. Yolo County prosecutors are investigating complaints from more than two dozen women who say they also were groped in the examining chair in the last five years.  Why is it only young, attractive, chesty women suffer from TMJ???  Is TMJ a side effect to being a young female with nice tits?

Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.

She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report.  I HATE it when I wear tight shirts and men still end up fondling my breasts, don't you?

Brain Found in Bag Near Richmond, Va

By Associated Press

RICHMOND, Va. - A brain was found in a bag near an apartment complex Tuesday morning, but it wasn't clear if it was human or animal, police said.

It was discovered in an area next to a suburban Richmond apartment complex under construction and near a mall, Richmond police spokeswoman Karla Peters said.

The state medical examiner was examining the brain, she said. It wasn't clear how long it had been there.

"We're waiting for the medical examiner to determine how we should proceed," Peters said.

Trust me, the brain is human, not animal.  And it is male.

How do I know this?  Easy…men have been able to function without their brains for eons. 

With such a plethora of choices, the difficult part is going to be identifying the ONE brainless man in Virginia…

Hospital Gives Man Drip-Feed of Vodka

By Associated Press

BRISBANE, Australia - Doctors plugged an Italian tourist into a drip-feed of vodka to save him at a hospital in Australia that ran out of the medicinal alcohol it would normally have used for treatment.  Wh-WHA-WHAT???

The 24-year-old Italian, who was not further identified, was brought to Mackay Base Hospital in northeastern Queesland state and was diagnosed as having ingested a large quantity of ethylene glycol, a common ingredient of antifreeze that can cause renal failure.

Pure alcohol is often given in treating such cases because it can inhibit the toxic effects of ethylene glycol.  Apparently, each weekend, I self-medicate for treatment of the "toxic effects of ethylene glycol overdose".

Mackay Base Hospital Dr. Pascal Gelperowicz said the man was given pharmaceutical-grade alcohol when he arrived, but that the hospital's supplies soon ran out.  Why did the hospital run out of pharmaceutical-grade alcohol?  Are there a lot  of people ingesting antifreeze?  Or, are there a lot of hospital workers self-medicating?

"We quickly used all the available vials of 100 per cent alcohol and decided the next best way to get alcohol into the man's system was by feeding him spirits through a naso gastric tube," Dr. Gelperowicz said in a statement.

"The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit," he said. "The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka."  Hmm…I wonder if my new bosses will be so understanding when I arrive with a naso gastric tube, drip apparatus and a case of vodka…

The patient, was believed to have ingested the poison in an attempt at self-harm, made a successful recovery. The incident occurred about two months ago, though the hospital just released information on the case.

Man Allegedly Locks Companion in Trailer

By Associated Press

BISMARCK, N.D. - An 80-year-old man accused of locking his girlfriend in a camper trailer has been sentenced to probation and ordered to attend an anger management class when he returns home to Oregon.

Theodore Matylinske, of Madras, Ore., was arrested on Wednesday near Bismarck after his traveling companion, Sandra Smith, 61, called police to say she was locked in a camper trailer being pulled down the interstate.

Burleigh County Sheriff Pat Heinert said Smith indicated she had made an appointment at a beauty shop in Bismarck, but Matylinske wanted to get back on the road. 

"She was miffed because she couldn't get her hair and nails done," Matylinske told South Central District Judge David Reich on Thursday. Matylinske said he and Smith had been arguing about attractions to see in the area.  **

Assistant Burleigh County State's Attorney Julie Lawyer (???  "And what do you want to be when you grow up, Julie?") said Matylinske pushed Smith into the trailer during an argument outside a store.

Matylinske told authorities she had locked herself in the trailer. But Lawyer said the trailer had been latched from the outside.

Matylinske told Reich he had been traveling with Smith for five years. Matylinske said he had offered to let Smith ride up front with him, to drive or to go to the airport. He said he also offered Smith a walkie-talkie so she could communicate from the trailer, but she declined.

"I was stopping periodically to check how she was doing," Matylinske told the judge. "That's the way it went. She had options she didn't take."

Matylinske pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of unlawful imprisonment. He said he pleaded guilty to the charge to avoid traveling back to North Dakota.

"I'm just doing this so I don't have to come back in the long run," he said.

Matylinske asked the judge to speak up in court, saying he needed a hearing aid but did not have one. He also said he could not read the complaint filed against him because he did not have his glasses.

Reich sentenced Matylinske to 60 days in jail with all but time served suspended and one year of unsupervised probation. He also ordered Matylinske to pay $350 in court fees and to attend the anger management class.

Smith told the judge that she would help Matylinske pay the court fees.

**  Very understandable.  A Google search of North Dakota's finest attractions reveals these noteworthy excursions, enough to make Mother Teresa and Ghandi resort to physical violence when deciding which to include on a sight-seeing tour:

World's Largest Historical Quilt (Antler) – an 800, 1/3 of an acre, exact-scale replication of the State of North Dakota, not permanently on display because, as one State Official explains, "She (Leona Tennyson, the quilt's creator) should've asked us before she made it that big."

Tommy the Turtle (Bottineau) – a 30' tall fiberglass turtle straddling a 34' snowmobile, guarding the entrance to the Municipal tennis courts.  It all makes perfect sense, why you would need a large turtle on a snowmobile guarding tennis courts.

Largest Stack of Empty Oil Cans (Casselton) – No explanation needed – it is what it is.

Ronald Regan Peace Through Strength Missile Silo Historic Site (Cooperstown) – This site was due to be closed in 2007 due to lack of funding, until State Legislators decided to add "Ronald Regan" to its name;  the funding bill passed swiftly in the Republican-controlled State Legislature.

Turtle Made of Wheel Rims (Dunseith) – Its head alone weighs over a ton and, for some reason, it was built on a pivot, so it can bob up and down.

Zombie Golf Giant (Garrison) – 15' tall, "Big Gene" guards the entrance to the golf course, all the while clutching a (to-scale) 3-wood.

World's Tallest Salesman (Rugby) – A life-size (at 8' 7" tall) replication of the State's tallest citizen, Cliff Thompson, it is also known as the World's Tallest Schoolteacher, as he graduated with a degree to teach.  He was never able to, though, because his mass frightened the little kiddies.  Later in life, he moved to Oregon where, for various reasons, he was no longer considered a "freak".

Man Jailed for Trying to Pass $1M Bill

By Associated Press

3 hours ago

PITTSBURGH - Change for a million? That's what a man was seeking Saturday when he handed a $1 million bill to a cashier at a Pittsburgh supermarket. But when the Giant Eagle employee refused and a manager confiscated the bogus bill, the man flew into a rage, police said.

Because of my advanced and well-honed customer service skills, I would have handled this much differently.  I would have provided him change, explaining that I just don't have enough money in the till, so he'd have to accept this I.O.U. for $999,999.99, written in invisible ink, of course.

The man slammed an electronic funds-transfer machine into the counter and reached for a scanner gun, police said.  "Gimme all your money, or I'll shoot you with this scanner gun!!!"

Police arrested the man, who was not carrying identification and has refused to give his name to authorities. He is being held in the Allegheny County Jail.

Since 1969, the $100 bill is the largest note in circulation.

Police believe the $1 million note seized at the supermarket may have originated at a Dallas-based ministry. Last year, the ministry distributed thousands of religious pamphlets with a picture of President Grover Cleveland on a $1 million bill.  The pamphlet, from the religious organization, said, "Send us $100 and God will make you a millionaire!!!"  2,547 elderly people responded to their offer and each received a $1 million bill.  Because this man is a true believer, he truly believed God had answered his prayers.

Halle Berry Says She Wants Another Child

By MICHAEL TARM, Associated Press Writer

CHICAGO - Halle Berry says she and her boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, tried and tried and tried to get pregnant.  Yeah…My Dear Beloved and I try and try and try to get pregnant, too…even tho' he's been "fixed".

"So there was a lot of staying home and doing what you do. Like, all the time, around the clock," the 41-year-old Oscar-winning actress said Tuesday on "The Oprah Winfrey Show."  ~WHEW~  and am I tired!!!

One negative pregnancy test followed another, "and finally, after about 35 tests, we finally got a positive test," Berry told Winfrey in one of her first interviews since announcing last month that she was expecting her first child with Aubry, her boyfriend of two years.  Let's do the math here:  35 tests = 35 months, which = 1,050 days;  1,050 days = 25,200 hours;  25,200 of round-the-clock screwing?!?

Berry, who is about three months pregnant, told Winfrey she doesn't want to know the sex of the baby.

"There's so few genuine surprises in life anymore that, why not have a huge surprise?" she said. "And I like fantasizing one day it's a girl, one day it's a boy."  You like fantasizing that your child will suffer from a transgender disorder?!?

Berry won the best-actress Oscar for 2001's "Monster's Ball." She also won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for 1999's "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge."

She said playing a mother in her latest movie, "Things We Lost in the Fire," helped convince her that motherhood was for her.

"I think it validated that I was meant to be a mother because every day I dealt with the character as a mother and thinking as a mother," Berry said. "It let me know that I must be a mother."  Boy, it's a good thing she turned down that role to star as a crack-addicted-homeless-mother-of-five-street-ho!!!

Berry said she and Aubry don't plan to marry, but feel fully committed to each other.

"I feel more married, in a way, than I ever have in two marriages before," she said. "He really understands the spiritual connection is so much more important than the paper and the pomp and circumstance and the ceremony."  This is Hollywood-speak for "I've had to give away millions in divorce settlements to the previous losers I've married."

But Berry said there is something she and Aubry are sure to do: try to have another child.  Ummm…I'm no doctor, specializing in pre-natal care, but I think you have to push out the first one before you can get pregnant with another one…

"There's just one right now," she said. "But we're hoping, right after this one, to do it again."  And I'm sure Aubrey is looking forward to (and resting up for) the next 25,200 erections…