Life Sucks.

Now is one of those times.

(I wasn't going to post this here, but then I changed my mind)

I get depressed at parties
but I keep on smiling
and no one ever notices,

bc parties are places where people have fun.

but the public displays of affection are making me sick
and what is he going to do? marry her?
that never works out.

and this is the last summer we have together.

but everyone keeps on smiling and sharing
except that they are all putting on a show
and mostly they are just fooling themselves.

I hate that this is how they lead their lives.

and maybe everyone should just move on
I know I should
and always do.

maybe that's why every one always leaves me

bc I'm already gone.

with my ears still ringing,
I am thinking about
Dinosaur Jr
and how
I wasn't standing
so close
to the stage
but advanced with every
opportunity.
sliding in
when someone stepped out
to get a soda
or go pee.
I was polite
about it
but still shouldered
my way
closer.
I scowled
at people who pushed
or tried
to get ahead
by forceful means.
I stood my ground
and became a wall
and thought:
"dick!".
but then someone
somewhere
got really in to
the music,
dancing,
and thrashing
and knocked into
someone else
who shoved the dancer
and before I knew it
there was
a pit.
a grinding, merging,
banging, twirling,
dervish
of limbs and sweat.
and no matter
how well anyone
stood their ground
the whole group
was momentarily
thrown off balance
and status
is chaos.
all the thoughts
of protecting
my space
were gone
in an instant.
it was the
ultimate equalizer.
everyone was now
the same
again
and fell into
two categories:
those in the pit
and those around it.
I was around it
and pushed the line
back
when it escaped
it's center.
I thought:
"how nice".
and I went home
with bruises
on the tops
of my feet.

The sky is falling in ice cold drizzle.
Alone in mazes of parking levels and gray carpets and gray walls.
Shop windows like shadowboxes, have they really any depth?
Pounds of frilly dresses and gansta style.
Zombie mall.
But
I close my eyes
And see warm honey browns and sandy golds against pure blue sky.
The rounded edges of buildings, doorways and curbs, the plaza square.
The desert stretches out in golden waves in my minds eye.
And you are there to hold my hand.

Gray sky.
Gray trees, gray clouds above gray buildings, gray road.
Gray remnants of snow by the side. and it's like being blind, or somewhat,
bc everything melts together
and it's hard to tell where one thing ends and the next begins.
Until a red tail hawk swoops down upon some carrion.
Fluttering violently down then surging heavily upwards, some meat in it's claws,
struggling for the air to accept it again,
the red tail flashing bright against gray landscape. Gray asphalt.
Or until a clearing opens, gaping, between endless gray tree skeletons
and damp gray marshes,
yawning white where the snow hasn't been marred.
And there is a family of brown-gray deer picking through the snow for dried grasses,
looking for supper.
Four or five deer surrounded by white stand out against the consent gray
and focus my eyes that have gone blind again.
I can see the yellow and blue and green and black of roadway signs now,
signalling me to exit.
These roads were once so much part of my routine but are now hazy to me.
I think I know the way. But how can I be sure that those days past weren't just dreams that I have dreamt?
My friends sing sad love songs quietly into my ears,
maybe I'm wearing headphones.
I sit in the car in the parking lot and let the song finish.
The doctor's office is just a dark gray box against white-gray sky.
All the cars, even mine, are grey with snow and salt,
and dirt.
Waiting rooms are empty where ever I go. And silent.
So I listen to some jazz
but quietly,
like I might miss them if they call me, like Coltrane could drown out my name.
I would wait forever, until the staff politely but firmly informed me that it was closing time,
that everyone was going home, that I had to come back another day.
And it feels like that might happen, like I have been there for hours,
but they call me and I don't miss it
and I go in and have my exam.
After we have repeated my family history,
after she has asks me how much coffee/alcohol/water I drink,
how much vegetables/vitamins/meat I eat,
my doctor tells me about what might be bothering her today.
Her new intern,
her hectic schedule,
her cell phone won't work in this gray box,
her patients won't take her advice.
Nothing's different.
The staff is arguing about who has been there the longest, who knows the flaws better, who thinks they know best, who can fix it. They all know nothing will be fixed.
They run my credit card and I leave.
Walking out, a man is holding the door for the few before me, but he pantomimes slamming the door on me when it's my turn.
"Too late!" He says boisterously, grinning, but holds the door open for me.
I fake a smile.
I mumble a reply.
I climb back into my car thinking that
I will drive to my old High School,
I will drive to the apartment where my dad lived when he left our house,
I will drive to that lawn where a boy and I kissed under the sprinklers when it was summer time,
I will drive to that park where friends smoked hand-rolled cigarettes laced with cocaine,
I will drive to the roof top where we climbed,
I will drive to the bookstore where I bought used comics,
I will drive to that house where I slept on the floor next to the boy I had had a crush on,
I will drive to the railroad tracks and have a hot dog and watch the trains while I eat,
I will drive to that schoolyard where the older woman tried to pick me up and I almost let her,
but I drive into town instead.
I get a coffee.
And I move on to my next gray appointment.

The Good:
capote - I loved this movie. I have never read any of his work, and didn't know anything about his life but this film definitely made me want to read and know more about him. Not being a fan of Phillip Seymour Hoffman) I didn't know what to expect, but this film was lovely, disturbing, and enticing.

The Wrestler - Heartbreakingly NJ. This film brought up so many childhood and young adult memories, it made me want to cry. But not in a bad way. I spent much of the film with my hands to my face ready to cover my eyes, the anticipation of failure always looming just beyond the character's horizons. Perhaps not as ground breaking as stated by the press, but very much worth viewing.

Atonement - I thought for sure that I would not like this film, that it would be too romantic and girly for my tastes. I was wrong. It was lovely to look and and interesting to think about.

Clerks - Always fun and funny.

I Am Legend - Holy crap, scary!! I didn't know this movie would be so scary! Not at all what I was expecting from Will Smith. I don't know if I will be able to watch it again, but I did enjoy this film and it's tense and intense vibe! Down side includes nightmares after and bad CGI.

Wedding Crashers - Vince Vaughn is funny.

The Meh:
Underworld - Visually interesting, dark, well costumed, take on vampires vs werewolves. I liked it better upon this second viewing. I will see the sequels.

Major League - Funny eighties baseball movie. I don't why people love this one soo much. But I enjoyed it.

The Wedding Singer - Gets more and more boring every time I see it. But I like that tried to be a real movie, not just a series of silly gags strung together.

The End Of The Affair - I liked this film, but was wishing the whole time to be watching The English Patient instead. Very Lovely and "Merchant/Ivory" with a healthy dose of Julianne Moore's bare breast and an interesting twist on the love triangle makes this film worth seeing.

Justice League; New Frontier - Great animation, great voices (tons of Joss Whedon alum!), lovely to look at but low on plot and confusingly American. I dug it, and if you like Wonder Woman or Martian Man Hunter it's a must see. But if you aren't a cartoon enthusiast, skip it.

The Bad:
The Black Dahlia - Bad acting, loose plot, terrible dialog, boring gore. If you like Scarlett Johannson, you should watch this for her sake, if you are a fan of Hilary Swank (which you shouldn't be) you should NOT watch this for your own sake. Bad all around.
More to be added soon, I'm sure.

Montauk October 2008 Chris and I went back to Montauk, NY, for Chris' birthday and our Anniversary in October of 2008. We love it there and had many adventures! There were more people on this trip and less cats, the days were warmer but it rained one night. But we got to stay warm and dry in our hotel room and listen to the storm. We got to go up in the lighthouse, which I didn't realize was the first time chris had ever done that. It was a harrowing experience, but worth it. We ate many more places, had clam chowder, lobster roll, clam rolls and tried new things. The days were full, to say the least. More at Chris and Mo Vacation set.

I got 96 DVDs this year.

All the LJ kinds are doing this year end meme:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
bartended (and loved it!)
went to long island (and loved it!)
went to the NYC public pools (and loved it!)
had a two page illustration published
bought airline tickets on line

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make firm resolutions, but they were probably something like exercise more, eat better, create more, etc... which is what they will sorta be again this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes!! Deb Quoma had Lucy! Other friends had other babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
An old student died, and others I'm sure. We weren't close but Bettie Page passing really made me sad.

5. What countries did you visit?
just the undiscovered one I live in. Long Island, Vermont, NJ, etc...

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more travel, more art, more new music, more music, more music shows, more comics, more going to the beach, more surfing, more adventure (which 2008 did have but I always want more of these things!)

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not so good with dates...

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
quiting my old job, starting my new job, printed illustrations, bartending,

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not creating (or working on) a zine with Scott Stubbs,

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I sprained my ankle, colds, aches, infections, lost my ipod, cars almost crashing into my bar...

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Transylvania 6-5000, a magic bouncy ball,

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Everyone and anyone who felt growth and change, who sought to better and do better.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
our government, celebrities, anyone who bought into the sensationalism that rules our country.

14. Where did most of your money go?
good food, good shows, rent, unnecessary clothing, threadless tees, buybacks,

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A dog with a puffy tail, silly cats, tall buildings, the beach, threadless tees... I'm easily excited...

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
No Children/The Mountain Goats,

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
same, I think. Ups and downs are always part of the year.

ii. Thinner or fatter?
Fatter!! I have gained a bunch of weight and I def want to work out more next year!!

iii. richer or poorer?
richer! Which is awesome! I still live hand to mouth, I still have no savings, I still have no health insurance, but I have just a little extra for things like travel and hopefully saving.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
museums, travel, exploring brooklyn, be outdoors, art, music, relaxing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
stressed, obsessed, been sick, worked long hours,

21. How did you spend New Years Eve?
Worked, had dinner and nice chats with chris and matt moon, cabbed home, drank eggnog, watched the ball drop, went to bed.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I was already there.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
the same as always (globetrekker, jeeves and wooster, freakes and geeks, buffy, angel, firefly, hitch hikers guide to the galaxy, ATHF,). New finds are How It's Made, and TMZ

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Maybe some custumers, but not really.

26. What was the best book you read?
I can't really remember, I read so many... Here's a partial list:
the brooklyn follies/paul auster
the subtle knife/phillip pullman
the amber spyglass /phillip pullman
watchmen/alan moore
the prestige/christopher priest
water for elephants/sara gruen
geek love/katherine dunn
the torn skirt/rebecca godfry
twilight/some hack
black postcards/dean warham
world war z/max brooks
wild ducks flying backwards/tom robbins
And many more...

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the bar ipod, Gloria's mix tape, my magic city/caithlin demarrias

28. What did you want and get?
a new ipod,

29. What did you want and not get?
a clean house, more time

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
american psycho, annie hall, teeth, the decent, capote,

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
on my 29th bday proper, I went to the record store and hung out with chris and got a mocha cake. Later Stephen, chris and I went to Arthur's Steakhouse and another record store.


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
more time, more art, more travel, less winter, less stress


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
finding things that look nice, but I don't mind getting beer/bleach/coffee/egg on, punk rock tee shirts, deep v's, skinny jeans, montauk bought (16$) vans.

34. What kept you sane?
I don't know if anything could.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mike Watt, Buddy

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Prop 8 was pretty annoying, a new president will be a relief, my corner needs a stop light...

37. Who did you miss?
Isaac, Tim, Mike, Matthew, Hannah, Lyz, Chris Chilvers, Toots, Steph, Bob, Bob & Jeanette,

38. Who was the best new person you met?
All my new regulars!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
beer foamy

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
But all of the money we spend never seems to do us much good in the end, I got a cracked engine block, both of us do.

More soon, maybe photos, maybe something coherent.
-m

Recently:

Listening to My Magic City by Caithlin De Marrais non stop while wrapping xmas presents.

Learning a new and fancy (and easy) holiday drink from bartender extraordinaire, Ben, today

Loving fabulous handmade postcards, buttons, and wicked awesome mix CDs (more on this later) from my amazing Threadless friends!

Not to mention, a million 5$ Threadless tees!!

Pine needles everywhere!

Cats eating rice.

Seeing a freshly dead body on the train last night.

Calzones, ordered by an awesome BF and ready to eat when I arrive home.

Ice, snow, 60 degrees, rinse, repeat.

Looking forward to hanging out with Scout, Gus and Ivan.

Not looking forward to back and forth, back and forth.

PIG-NICS!!!

Vermont is a magical, comfortable, homey, green, place. To me, it's a haven, a retreat, a home, a new adventure.
Every year is familiar, every year is different. This year was no exception.

Here are some of my favorite moments with friends:





















More moments at Vermont 2008 Set.