I don't post much here cause I'm more into poetry as everyone knows, even though I write a bit less nowadays or am just too lazy to update my poetry blog.

Anyways, so many things in my head now, for a change lol like I can ever stop thinking   Friends, guys, the US, new BSB album "Unbreakable" I'll have tomorrow (friday 26th) already so a few days before the US (Oct 30th) ! yay !!! Also, looking for a new job now, scared of getting one as it'll be different from the one I've worked at twice for 5 months in total and where people loved me and my work, and it was good money.  I get lots of offers, it's a good thing I guess but never near where I live, I don't drive remember, I sent my resume and all my degrees (college, national contest,...), recommendation letters,... to several places and am waiting for answers but I so fear that !  Cause it won't be the same.  So again, it means a new place, unknown people, more stress... God knows how stress and anxiety kill me everyday, if I had listened to my stupid doc I'd be on Valium now  As 5 years ago he said it was SO BAD (talking about my stress and anxiety level, can't control that, anything...) it was the only solution, yea right, no way   Alright, I feel like sh*t most of the time but again what's new there, been like that for a decade, who cares ?  As long as nobody else is hurt it's fine, that's all that matters.

I believe that sharing is useless and can hurt a lot if you don't have the right people around you (or behind a computer screen, in my case).  I can tell that when you made some friends you really trust, you can talk about anything, you know you don't have to hide, you are there for each other, there's a real connection and if at a moment you tell something personal to that person (like about how you feel at this very moment) and your friend kinda ignores what you say (not saying on purpose of course) you feel even worse and it hurts.  Most of the time I can't even explain how I feel anyway, can't put words on my emotions but feeling that hurt and mad all the time is driving me crazy And I hate it everytime it explodes, everyday, it's bad but there's no other way

Anyway, how many times do you hear this "You can talk to me I'm there for you, try to open up some, I'm not there to judge, we're friends" and how many people really mean it ?

A friend I've known for around two years we generally have long conversations and when we talk about personal stuff, about our lives and struggles and stuff, he always tries to make me understand things and of course it's not easy with me   Patience is important, with me anyway.  He's used to dealing with people though (trained therapist) and he knows me well so he knows how to get to me and cheer me up when I'm down.  Well, during our last conversation at night he tried to convince me that I couldn't feel bad and blame myself for the way I feel.  He spent hours trying to explain to me that I'm not guilty for the way I feel, am hurt by things, the way I behave because of those things...  He told me that you can't blame yourself for something you can't control, then I asked who is to blame and he said I shouldn't spend my time trying to find someone to blame "Accept that these things upset you and hurt you and make you want to be destructive and you can't choose for it to be otherwise at the moment.  In order to change something, you have to first accept it.  You keep trying to deny that you feel these things and stop yourself from feeling them, that won't work.  You feel them, OK, that's the way you are at the moment, you can't control it, so stop blaming yourself for it"

That's what I call being mean   He just said I didn't make sense and didn't want to get better !  That's how I see it anyway but I know a few who'd just say "it's just in your head" and my friend didn't mean it the way he said it but that's the way I get it anyway.  Don't know, there's just something inside me that don't get the same message through words the way others do, or I don't trust others, I just can't, it's like I can only believe what I say and think others are wrong for some reason, or it's just my distorted thinking anyway.

And he, and some other close friends, say that I need help but I am not sick ! And I don't have a problem !  I just deal with things differently, as I always say.  Then they say I'm lying to myself

It's just driving me crazy to feel that way everyday, keep it all inside, deal with it my way, feel worse, relieve past traumas 24/7 when awake or through nightmares, just relieving/replaying all that all the time, it hurts me so much !  How can you get past a trauma ? well more than one !  How can you go on with your life when those things are all you can think about day and night, it's haunting you, what to do then ???   I wish I could stop thinking for one day, not think or feel anything for one day then maybe I could breathe and not be that hurt, and when nobody knows it's even harder, nobody I can share with.  Ok I said I have some great friends but even to them I just can't get on my laptop and tell them I'm not doing good.  Maybe it comes from being ashamed or not wanting to bother someone I really love or for unknown reasons.  When someone brings it up then ok I can talk about it (it being anything personal they want to talk about) but sometimes they have to help me say things because on my own it's too hard, I just can't.  Opening up is still something new to me.

Feel free to comment   I love you, my friends !  I don't believe in many things but I do believe in friendship !  You make friends, lose some, but the true friends always stay over the years ! Thank you all for reading and commenting.

Sometimes you wake up in the morning with that weird feeling inside.  You wonder why you're getting up, what you're doing here… and even why you breathe.

You know what to expect, same thing everyday.

You wake up and you know that something's going to happen, someone will push you over the edge.  Every morning you wonder what will get you so upset that the demons inside of you will wake up.  You know that, like everyday, your emotions will take control and you can't control that.  You try as hard as you can but there's nothing to do.  That well known tension builds up inside, like the day before and the one before…, and it explodes big time (like in my poem).  Then, after you did your thing, what you had to do to feel better or a least a bit less bad for a (short) moment (alcohol, drugs, meds,… … … whatever works for you) you feel even worse than before and guilty for behaving that way and most of all ashamed of yourself.

Same thing every single day, sometimes more than once. 

Sometimes during the day you find it hard to breathe.  There's just too many things that you can't explain, that you don't understand, you wish you could but the truth is you can't.

And there's nobody to confide in and why would you anyway ?  How could someone understand what you can't understand yourself ?

Everyday you wonder how to keep that fake smile upon your face.   It's been years.

Because a smile doesn't bring other people to possibly think that maybe something's wrong, something's bothering you, they take that smile for reality and smile back at you not asking anything.

You can smile at people, for pictures, videos… anything you want, and if you put enough effort into it it looks real.  You think I don't know what I'm talking about ?!  I've been doing that for nearly 10 years now !  My own family doesn't know a thing about me. I can fool anyone, parents, other family members, teachers, other students in High School and College, anyone at those stupid medical exams in High School (every two years) and first year at college (doctors, nurses, psychologists… even though I had been told later that they had a file about me so they knew about my past…)… and it has to stay that way.  It's just about having the ability to look 'strong' and let no emotions appear on your face.

Yes, you all look at my pictures and say I have a great smile, but you don't know what hides behind !

Do you have those nightmares at night ?  The same ones all the time and then new ones ?

You know what the worst nightmare is ?  The story of your life !  And when you see where it leads.  When you see it like you're someone else looking at yourself, doing those things, seeing who you are. When you see your fears coming true !  When you see others not believing in your fake smiles and lies anymore…

Everyday you suffer in silence and you keep it to yourself, like you've always done because who cares anyway, or, like me, you write poetry and fanfictions (you can put yourself in the stories you write without anyone to know), and sometimes a book, and find that lots of people can relate to the way you feel, what you're going through, your daily battle, the one you always fail, the one that keeps you from having a life, from smiling (no fake smiles), from being close to people...

In the end as long as nobody around you, family, can read any of your 'private' writing it's fine, unless you want them to know of course.

And nobody around you knows anything because you don't want them to.  You fear that, them discovering your well hidden secret(s), more than anything else.

You feel so alone but yet you're the one isolating yourself from everyone and everything, living in your own bubble, hoping that the walls will never fall.  And yet the same time you wish here was someone.  Someone to listen, understand and care.  Someone who could let you cry in their arms.  Someone to come inside the bubble you seclude yourself in.  Someone who could tell you how to change, what to do, how to do it…  Someone who could find the words to cheer you up.  Someone you could confide in even though you can't put words on your feelings.

In fact you wish you could put your life into someone's hand and wait for that person to fix everything and then you're someone else.

But as you woke up everyday you know you are all alone, alone to lose that daily battle, alone to lose control, alone to give in the temptation, alone to give up on yourself.  Everyday you look at yourself with disgust.  Everyday you wish it was the end, that this nightmare you've been living for years would finally end.  Everyday you have that big smile upon your face and no one knows what's behind.

The truth is nobody could understand you and nobody would even want to try.  Face the truth you're alone !

You are ignored, abandoned, rejected, by all, sometimes since you were born, so you 'live' online because you think that there people will cause you less suffering, WRONG !

It's just the same.  Even though you can't see them face to face it's the same thing.  They use and manipulate you, get you to think that they care about you and consider you a real friend and all so you become attached to them.  Until they ignore you when they can't use you anymore.

And when you think that that one day so long in the past you were about to get 'help' but just ran away from it because you were 'fine' right and you still are now or at least you like to believe it. Many years later you realize that if you hadn't ran away from it everything would have been different and you wouldn't be this worthless, a lost cause, today.

Too late now !

That day it all started, almost a decade ago, will always be the biggest mistake you will always regret.  You wish you had known how your future would be that day.  Maybe then you would have thought twice.  That's if you had a choice even that very first time anyway.  Because sometimes you don't even really know how it happened.  But you certainly remember how it felt and what was going on in your head at that moment and / or just after.  That you will never forget !

Do you know how it feels when it's like you have nothing (left).  Sometimes you're starring blankly at you don't know what and feel the tears forming in your eyes.

You hate everything and everyone, and trust nobody, because of everything they've always been doing to you, the way they've always used and manipulated you !

You don't just live in your own bubble to avoid others and try to protect yourself from them but also to protect them from you.  You don't want them to be sad or upset because of you, who you really are.

How many times did you wish that there was someone close to you, someone to hug you and show you some love and care, someone who's just there not because they have to but because they want to.

Think about it !  A word from a friend, an email, an e-card, a conversation (chat) online, a comment on those things they do (writing, other creations, arts…),… all those simple things can make someone 'happy', can make someone smile a bit.  But who does that anymore ?  It's so much easier to not answer emails and stuff and let your 'friend' (if they really consider you that, I sometimes doubt it!) feel ignored.  After all you can still talk to them when you're bored and have nothing else to do right ?  You don't think it's just the same as using them !

A friend is someone you always want to talk to and not just when you have nothing else, nothing better, to do.  You see them online, you smile and talk to them and they're waiting for that moment too.  That's how it should be.  Two people there for each other and happy to share a relationship, a true friendship.

One last thing, do you even remember that day you were truly happy ?  When you were a very small kid maybe, unless your parents only gave attention to your little sister, then you probably never had a moment of true happiness.  Then as you're 7 or even 10 when you have tears falling down your cheeks they tell you that only babies cry and they hit you everytime you do something wrong so then you 'have a good/real reason to cry' as they say.   So you learn soon enough that keeping everything, emotions/feelings and everything else, to yourself is better.  And as you grow up all they can do is yell at you for all and nothing, tell you how stupid you are, that you can do nothing good, that you're a failure…

Don't waste your time talking to people because they don't care what you have to say unless you say what they want to hear and remember when someone asks you how you're doing they want to hear that you're fine and everything's alright !  Figure out what they want to hear and give them what they want, please them, and you'll have friends.  They wouldn't hear you scream anyway, they just want to hear you say funny jokes and happy events whether you make them up or not.

Keep wearing that big fake smile on your face because there's always someone looking at you !  And you don't want them to know what is really you !

- Maryline -  (thanks to those who spent some of their time on my stupid writing, if you want more read my other blogs and see those links below)

http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/   (MY POETRY – updated every week)

http://s90.photobucket.com/albums/k253/maryline84/?start=all   (SOME OF MY WALLPAPERS & CREATIONS)

http://www.fanfiction.net/~marylinedepp 
http://www.fanfiction.net/~misssmgdeppackles

Updated after the "Do I need Therapy" test !  I think there's been some troubles with the codes so everything might not appear well  Sorry

So around a year ago I took the "Do I Need Therapy?" test because you know I like tests  I decided to take it again a few days ago just to see what changed   I guess it's not better regarding what they say, of course you can't trust a computer but tests are still nice and maybe not everything is wrong   By the way they forgot a few things  haha alright I'm just gonna say one thing The best and only disease I'm suffering from is JDOCD If you have no idea what it means ask and I will tell

Give me links if you know good sites with tests  About anything, I like them

http://www.psychtests.com/tests/alltests.html 

Results from 2005

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You appear to have experienced at least one major depressive episode.
• You show signs of suffering from a Social Phobia.
• Your symptoms point to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
• You show strong signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
• You show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
• You appear to suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia.
• You appear to be suffering from Anorexia.
• Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
• Your responses indicate that you suffer from Somatoform Disorder.
• Your responses strongly indicated that you suffer from Hypochondriasis.

Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder

The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You experience some symptoms of substance dependence.
• You have experienced some symptoms of a brief psychotic episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode.
• You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode.
• Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.
• You meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, but your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria.
• You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.
• You exhibit some compulsive thoughts or behaviors.
• You suffer from symptoms of bulimia but do not meet all the criteria for the illness.
• You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Dependent Personality disorder.

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Burning Borderline You need 71% professional help

Look, you're an intelligent individual. I know you pursue the train of rational thought from time to time. So, let's look at this in a logical, rational manner (you must have read about that in the self-help books): 1. You chose to take my test. 2. You scored over 50%. 3. There is a searchable online directory of therapists available in all areas. See, that was your incredible powers of deduction which led you there. It was nothing to do with me. Really. Please don't look at me like that. It's that kind of look that gets you into so much trouble...

This test tracked 1 variable. How the score compared to the other people's:

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Hey Sexy You scored 77% Sexy

Hey so what are you doing later?

This test tracked 1 variable. How the score compared to the other people's:

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Don't Panic! 87

Ok, chances are you are an intelligent thoughtful individual who thinks about the big things such as purpose and life just a little more than you would like. 'Ignorance is bliss' takes on a whole new meaning to you. You maybe feel alone or isolated from those around you , it feels as if you are the only one that percieves the world in the way you do. Life is often fustrating as you strive to find some great purpose or happiness, though if you're honest with yourself you are not sure that such a thing exists. Some people can happily get on with life in this state of mind, others have more difficulty dealing with it all.. If you are one of the latter then it might not hurt to read up about Existential Depression, and other depression disorders. From there seeking proffessional help or at least finding someone to share your feelings with can be the best way to go. No matter how much it sometimes seems like it it is important to rememebr that you really aren't alone, there are others out there that think like you do and feel like you do, and many studies into how to deal with such feelings and what causes them. Stay strong.Feel free to say hello if you need to chat!

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Suicidal You scored 86 suicidal

You are likely to commit suicide rather than die naturally. I am sorry if this upsets you. If it does it just proves my point that you are depressed.

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87% destructiveness

Well, this is basic percent of how self destructive you are. Let's just pretend that maybe the higher the score, the more destructive you are. Because you know what, thats how it works. I could in theory give you a grand introduction to basic psychology, but I don't think you care, and if you do, you've probably already taken the class. If your sick, get better. If your sad, get happier. If you need sex/drugs, well fucking get your own. If uour just fine, you probably shouldn't contact me as chances are you really won't like me.

 When people are fake !  Communication & trust

Have you ever noticed how fake people can be or how little they care about things, and you ?  The things they say, ask or do ?  How much they can hurt you without always knowing it !

People ask you how you're doing and don't care about your answer and most of the time they don't even hear it.

When they ask you something that you don't want to answer you just switch subject and only a few people will notice or remember later that question you didn't want to answer.

You all know that the most important thing in all friendship and relationship is communication and trust.

Have you ever noticed how much people just go quiet when you don't talk enough or how they just make more time to talk to other friends than you ?  How they can make you feel rejected, ignored, unwanted

Like sometimes you can wait all day for some friends to talk to and you see theyre there but apparently doing something more important than talking to you.

So back to the trust thing now.  They try to win your trust, to get you to talk and all.  You don't give your trust easily because you've been used, manipulated a lot, but when you do its serious.  How do you decide to give someone your trust anyway ?  What makes a person trustworthy ? ... ... ...  You start revealing things about yourself and then you realize that it was all a mistake !  A huge one !  Soon you find out that some people have been talking about yourself behind your back, sharing your secrets and stuff.  It all comes back to you right in the face !  You feel humiliated, ashamed and stupid and wonder if youl'l be able to face them again.  You're really mad at them  and expect them to apologize and show you more respect  You know that nothing will ever be the same as you start talking to them again.  But if you try to look at it in a positive way at least you learned one lesson.  You'll never give your trust that way again !  You'll never say anything too personal to one of them.  You trusted them and they betrayed you !  And yet they dont seem to care !

In the end you don't know who to trust anymore, who you could be honest with, who's a real friend or lover, who's just sincere about everything.

Some say crap like I really care about you, I love you a lot, you mean a lot to me, I really like talking to you but they don't mean it !  It's fake, theyre fake ! 

Let me tell you something.  Someone who really cares about you could or should feel the way you really feel deep inside, if you're mad, angry, sad or whatever, see the truth between your silences and fake smiles.  Someone who says I love you a lot would prove it and show it a lot in the appropriate way.  And someone who says that they like talking to you would make time for it !

You found a lover  and are happy, you feel loved and love that person as well.  When that special person's distant you're really sad and wonder what you've done or said wrong.  Then that person calls you by that special name that you like again and you can smile !  It's funny how those little things count, how you can be sad and then happy within a few mins, how fast things can change and affect you... ... ... but yet you're uncertain.  You can't stop questioning everything he or friends say.

All of this can really hurt you deep inside and most of the time you tell nobody cause itd just sound stupid, right ?  And we don't want others to think that !

So you end up crying alone and its the same thing everyday !  And the best part is nobody knows !  I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking that way !

Everyday I feel like crying but no tears would come...

We're all hurt  in a different way and maybe someday we could all try to share our pain and maybe even work on it together and make it better !

-Maryline-

p.s : I updated my poetry : http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/ 

Things were going better.  I passed the exams I had before xmas (though I have more next week), I have good news for July, I found someone who seems to love me for real, I made nice new friends online,... I was trying hard to get better...  those who know what I mean will understand... it was so hard, harder everyday, but some people were supporting me and I thank them for that !  32 days !!!  That's a hell of a record, isn't it ?
Not sure what I'm trying to say !
Well, everything changed   I just don't get it, how can you get better and then everything changes in a sec ! !
I don't know what to do or think anymore !
Like why the hell do I even bother ?
It's probably useless ?
Can we ever get better ?  
Some try to help, they're there for you, listen, talk to you, advice... they're really nice but there's rarely someone when you really need them.  Not their fault though, they have their life... some give up, go away from you, ignore you... so how does that make you feel ?  worse!
I guess I'm just so lost right now.  I feel bad and disgusting and all.  I wonder if things will ever change.  Maybe I don't try hard enough, though 32 days was more than a month !

Sometimes I wonder... why I even bother...
dont know...
everything's messed up in my head...
:'(

If you have an idea... please tell me !!!

love ya all,
Maryline

http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/

NOT WRITTEN BY ME !!!

from that link :
http://vampirefreaks.com/group_comment.php?entry=458112

------
"STOP!
Don't move an inch closer to your wrist. You think that one little cut won't make a difference?
You think that since your best friend cuts and it helps her that you will do it once and you'll be done?
Have you seen how shes trying to quit? Have you seen the scars on her body?
Don't you think that she once thought this same thing?
O but no...you still want to cut....just once then you'll stop....right?
NO!
Don't even take that blade any closer to you. Think about this. Think about all the consequences...
O but your friend has none...is that what you really think? Seriously...do you think that the girl you see everyday has no consequences? The girl that walks down the halls at school alone, dazzed like nothing is there...like she is alone...you think that girl is okay?
Is that really what you think?
THINK AGAIN!
That girl went through so much. So much pain...so much ridicule and you think she went through nothing?
WRONG!
But no... you still want to try it...you still want to cut. Just think about the things that she has went through...talk to her about it.
If you talk to her chances are she won't want to talk about it. She'll deny and she'll feel very uncomfortable about talking about her cutting herself. See what the cutting has done to her. She use to tell you everything. Now she is lieing to you...to your face. Lets see what else comes with cutting. You don't know? Of course you don't. you have to be a cutter to understand exactly what happens...when you start cutting.
Still want to cut? Of course you do You still don't understand...and how could you...how could someone who doesn't cut or Self injure understand exactly what happens...?
Do you want to know? Do you want to take a look into your future before you start cutting and determine how its going to be just by doing one single cut?

Be prepared for what is going to happen to you as soon as you cut yourself.
You may think it is just a single little scratch
but its not!
They will get bigger and deeper.
You may think that you will not do it again...that your just doing it this one time.
But as soon as you scratch yourself the first time, you will find the blood
and the pain amusing...
You will find it takes away from everyday pain.
You may even convince yourself before you cut that they will heal easily and no one will notice and then everything will be normal.
But as you make the first cut you are signing yourself up for a long process of the same thing everyday.
You will cut. and cut and cut. You will go deeper and deeper and deeper.
You may start out with 3 cuts but you will soon watch those three turn to 300.
You will have to go to the store constantly,
for bandages, creams and tools.
Yes tools. You will have to buy tools to cut yourself with.
But if you can't afford the tools you will find something, anything
just to cut yourself once again.
And if you can't afford the bandages and the emergency kits in case you cut to deep or too much
Then you may end up in the ER.
You will spend hours thinking of ways not to go there
You will spend days and days getting better at hiding your cuts
You will spend months Worrying that someone will find out about your cutting.
You will soon have to buy new clothes,
Long sleeve shirts, Long pants, Bracelets, wrist bands
all so you can hide your cuts.
You will be afraid to let anyone touch you.
You have a relationship now?
Forget it after you start cutting.
You will be scared to be with your Significant other.
You will be petrified of letting him/her touch you, hold your hand, lift you up, tickle you...any of the things you use to do.
For fear that he/she may find out, or touch in the wrong spot and it will hurt.
You have great friends.
Not after this....
You will start being by yourself. Because no one else understands.
You will constantly hope that somone else will start cutting,
You will look around large groups looking for anyone else who cuts.
You may find a friend that also cuts, but when you do
and you are both trying to quit cutting, you will hope that he/she cuts,
everyweek, everday, every minute. You will just pray that she wants to.
And then..when she wants to and comes to you
to help her not cut..You'll tell her it will be ok if she DOES cut. You will start to think in your head that if she cuts it will be okay for you to cut;.
You will constantly be scared that you will cut...cut to deep, cut and your new found friend will hate you for cutting again.
You will spend hours at night sitting there thinking about cutting
it will be on your mind all the time.
You have a great relationship with your family? You trust your whole family?
Not anymore!
You will stop talking to your family as much, you wont trust them and you won't be with them as much anymore.
Not only will you stop trusting your family though, you will not trust anyone.
You will look around and convince yourself that everyone is against you.
Soon it will look like everyone is talkin about you, spreading gossip.
somone will be talking and you will believe that they know that you are cutting.
And they do!
You will be constantly scratching!
Why?
Because the cuts inch more than a thousand ant bites, more than poison ivy. You will scratch all the time.
You will look like you have a disease, scratching so much.
Be prepared to stop caring what you look like, to stop taking showers as much.
You will cut so much that you won't be able to shower regularly, because the after pain stings so much.
Or you will constantly cut in the shower because thats the one place no one will interupt.
Remember when you were happy, when everything was somewhat okay and you had friends
Its not that way anymore, in fact its difficult for you to find a thing to be happy about at all
You won't find joy in any of the things you did before...and you won't do anything anymore.

Still want to cut?
After realizing all the things that will happen do you still feel like taking that blade to your skin?
WARNING!!! DO NOT START. Do not make the same mistake I did.
So many hours wasted...So many things gone wrong. Plz don't do this to yourself!"

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FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS

IF YOU FELT SAD OR EVEN FOUND YOURSELF CRYING OR WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES WHILE READING THIS THAT'S GOOD, YOU'RE HUMAN.  IF NOT, IF YOU FOUND THIS USELESS AND MEANINGLESS THEN START QUESTIONNING YOURSELF !  YOU MIGHT BE DEAD ALREADY IF NOT FEELING ANY EMOTIONS WHILE READING THIS !

REPOST THIS ANYWHERE YOU CAN, SPREAD THE WORD !!!  HELP PEOPLE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE !  YOU HAVE THAT POWER SO USE IT !

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Anyone has any idea how to make the parents shut up !
As soon as they're up they start bitching at me.
I don't even talk to them, couldn't they just do the same ???
Be nice to my sis and mean to me, that's just fair !
Will they ever consider me an adult ?
Am I such a bad daughter that they hate me so much ?  What have I done to deserve this ?
Do they really want to get rid of me ?  If that's what they want, fine !
The only thing they need me for is to have someone to bitch at !

I'll never forget a few months ago when my sis went on holiday with her bf for a week.  My mom came to me saying the house was empty now and I was like "thanks, I'm here !", she looked at me saying "with you it's like having no daughter at all !!!
Great, isn't it ?
Like I can remember the day she said I was pissing her off by never saying a word and that she should kick me out of the house, great too bad she didn't do it !

It's been like that for a long time and I don't care what they think or being ignored or whatever, I got used to it, and I wouldn't like them to put their nose into my stuff anyway but what I can't stand is them talking to me as if I was a kid and bitching at me everyday !

Hell I'm 21 and a half, I don't need them, I can watch over myself alone, maybe not the best way but it's the only way that I know !  I swear I'd change if I could !

They don't like me anyway.  They need to bitch at someone to have some kind of power and it's always me !  As I hardly show any emotion I guess they don't think it's hurting me and they just keep on doing it.
Or maybe it's the only thing they can do and the only way they can talk to me, I don't know.

I just don't get it.  If you answer them when they're angry at you they start bitching and yelling or punishing you like kids but if you say nothing they say it's even worse and they're even more mad.  What are we supposed to do ?
I see my sis getting into arguments with my mom all the time, they're both trying to yell louder than the other.

My mom keeps saying that I shouldn't keep everything to myself the way I do and tell her everything I feel like telling her when she pisses me off.  Damn, she has no idea what I'd tell her, it's better for her not to hear it.
Then she's like "what the hell is wrong with you ?  Why don't you talk to us ?  It's not good !  How are you dealing with your emotions, you must have some..." all I can think of is "mom you have no idea, and you know what ? it's all cause of you !!!"  I just fake a smile saying I'm sorry for annoying her and go upstairs... where I can't bother her anymore !

I just wish they could forget about me

Have you ever wondered why some people talk a lot and others barely say a word ?  Where are you ? in the middle ?  Or maybe, like me, you were talking a lot when  you were a kid and then everything changed and you talk to nobody anymore unless people talk to you ! 

Have you ever noticed how much people could ignore you ?

Why don't you talk (anymore) ?  Mainly because you're ignored and nobody listens to you so you don't bother opening your mouth anymore.  Your parents prefer your sis or bro, pointing out how smart and perfect they are and always refer to you as the failure of the family...  You start talking about something and they interrupt asking how it's going at school or even worse they interrupt to talk to someone else and once they're done with that person they don't even remember you were talking !  So you don't bother talking anymore, it's useless.  They apparently don't care what you have to say and it wouldn't interest them anyway.

Also, maybe you had friends when you were a kid and then when growing up it changed and you realized that it was better to be alone or with only 2 or 3 people around.  And you won't make the first move to get to know new people for the same reasons and others, besides being extremely shy, you wonder why would someone be interested in getting to know you cause in the end what's good about you ?  What would make someone want to talk to you ?

Here's my personal saying "by staying alone the only one you could bother is yourself !"

In the end we're all alone.  Trusting people is hard especially when you've always given your trust to the wrong people.  You're supposed to trust yourself but who can honestly say they can ?  Trusting ourselves about what ?  Making the wrong decisions ?  Being what we've become ?

Also, have you ever had the feeling that everything you say was stupid ?

Back about the home thing now.  Something I find frustrating is that not only they don't listen to you or even ignore you and make you feel invisible... but one day they dare come to you acting as if they wanted a hug and dare tell you that you look sad and asking what's wrong.  It's freaky when it happens.  What do you answer that ?  What's on your mind is just random things you wish you could throw to their face like "great, after 7 years or so you finally notice !" but you keep quiet, fake a huge smile and tell them that you're happy and living a perfect life hoping they believe you, which of course they do most of the time.

But something freaky as well is when they keep on saying that they can feel there's something going on with you and they try to take it out of you but you got used to saying nothing !  They keep on trying and you keep denying and if they won't give up on their idea of you not being ok all they can say is "well, I think I should send you see someone you would talk to and who would probably help you".  When you hear something like that you're shaking !  First cause they try to decide for you and again don't care about your opinion, second cause they just give up on you like always or even more this time as they know they wouldn't listen to you.

All of this to say that if some people, or everybody, don't listen to you or ignore you just be quiet and say nothing and everybody'll be happy and you'll bother nobody.  At first it hurts when you want to say something and you try hard to keep your mouth shut but what hurts even more is when you start to say something and soon they interrupt you to talk to someone else without even noticing you weren't done yet !  When that happens you feel ignored, rejected and uselss or even unloved and worthless.  It's easy they don't care ! Well, even if it may seem hard to keep your mouth shut at first after a few years, trust me, it becomes very natural and easy.  In the end you talk to nobody or sometimes yourself just to hear your own voice !

They don't want to listen to me, fine they got what they wanted, I only talk to them when they ask me something.  They think they know me but they don't !

It might seem like I'm complaining but I'm not.  I won't lie and tell you that it doesn't hurt me sometimes to see that they don't care about me but well it's life, it sucks and everybody knows it !  It's the way it's supposed to be !  Now it's fine, I got used to it and keep everything to myself.  Nobody never knows what I really think, nobody never knows when I'm being honest (about myself)...   The only thing some people sometimes notice is when I avoid answering some questions or change subject... it's just cause it's better than lying and I don't like lying to people.  Only when it's necessary, when they come closer, when they get to know the 'real me' a bit too much, it scares me and I fear to lose them.  If I lose my online friends (they're my only and real friends !!!) then I have nothing left !!!  So lying, pretending, faking or whatever it takes not to lose them is sometimes a necessity but I'm not proud of it !  You know when I'm honest ?  When I feel like the other is honest with me and really interested in what they want to know and aren't just talking to do something or when they're knowing something already and it's too late to denying ... !  cause I might not be perfect but I'm no liar !

I know what you think...  lol I might not talk but for sure I can write a lot.  Well, what can I say I like writing, especially poems and fanfictions !

Bed time now !  Don't forget to change the time, we sleep one hour more !

- Maryline -

http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/

http://www.fanfiction.net/~marylinedepp

Have you ever noticed how easier it was to hide your feelings than showing them, to lie than telling the truth, to take the easy wait out than trying to face what's really bothering you ?

But why ?  sometimes I wonder.  It's like we usually avoid some questions, hide things or feelings, fake smiles to let others think we're happy.  In the end, like I was saying in another post about the 2 sides of us, it's all about pretending to be who others want us to be and it's kinda easy once you got used to it !  People want me to be funny, fine that's what I am, they don't want me to do certain things, fine I can lie and say I don't, like if they want me to do something I can still say I do and they can't keep an eye on me to see if I'm saying the truth or not, they want me to smile, good I can fake smiles, they want me to be happy, it's even easier, I just make up a story about happy facts or events that happened and they're happy for me.

Why do we act that way ?  Are we all ashamed of showing who we really are ?  Are we afraid of shocking people ?  Being abandonned ?  Well yea it depends on the people.  In the end nobody's sincere for real.  We sometimes are and sometimes we just tell others what they want to hear cause it's easier that way and others are happy and not hurt by what you might say !  As far as others are happy and you don't hurt them everything's alright !  It doesn't matter if you have to hide certains things or pretend to be what or who they want you to be !

Hey guys,

It’s not a surprise for those who know me but I really like taking psycho-tests and stuff like that.  Just for fun with stupid tests such as “are you jealous ?” “are you hott ?” “what kind of boyfriend do you need ?” “What celebrity will you marry ?” “Does Johnny Depp love you ?” (of course he does ! lol)… but also serious ones about health, mental health and disorders... The results can be freaky and according to them I’m suffering from everything written in the psychology book lol and need help !  Well, whatever, if like me you like taking tests, here are some good links (please if you know others tell me !) :

http://www.allthetests.com/personality.php3

http://sandbox.xerox.com/pair/cw/testing.html

http://www.psychtests.com/tests/alltests.html  (search for the one called ‘Do I Need Therapy ?’)

http://www.quizfarm.com/

http://www.blogthings.com/quizzes/

http://www.healthyplace.com/site/tests/psychological.asp

http://www.queendom.com/

http://memegen.net/mainpage.pl

http://similarminds.com/index.html

http://www.ym.com/jsp//quiz/

http://www.2h.com/personality-tests.html

http://www.rateyourself.com/index.cfm

I could share all my results with you, as I save all of them on documents lol, but it’d be very long and boring.  But the important as you know is to have fun or take the tests seriously when it’s about health and stuff.  Here’s some stuff they told me.  Right or wrong, who knows ? lol

Some of my results (it’s funny you’ll see) :

I scored 93/100 on the Anger test, 10/100 on the Assertiveness one, Self-Esteem : 5/100, Patience : 29/100, Eating Disorder (Anorexia Nervosa) : 60/100 … and I’m gonna die of suicide (starving to death, slitting my wrist)…  Funny facts : I should become a food specialist lol , psychologist (I guess they said that cause I prefer listening than talking), a writer YAY

About the “Do I Need Therapy” test now :

Introduction

The screening that you have just completed evaluates whether you show symptoms of a wide variety of common mental disorders. If the results indicate that you might test positive for an illness, or you feel that the symptoms you selected are causing problems in your life, seeking professional help could be beneficial.

What do your responses tell us?

Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You appear to have experienced at least one major depressive episode.
• You show signs of suffering from a Social Phobia.
• Your symptoms point to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
• You show strong signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
• You show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
• You appear to suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia.
• You appear to be suffering from Anorexia.
• Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
• Your responses indicate that you suffer from Somatoform Disorder.
• Your responses strongly indicated that you suffer from Hypochondriasis.
• Your responses strongly indicate that you suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder

The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.

The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:

• You experience some symptoms of substance dependence.
• You have experienced some symptoms of a brief psychotic episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode.
• You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode.
• Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.
• You meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, but your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria.
• You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia.
• You exhibit some compulsive thoughts or behaviors.
• You suffer from symptoms of bulimia but do not meet all the criteria for the illness.
• You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Dependent Personality disorder.

My Ideal Job :

Based on your responses to the activities listed, here are the work styles that may be appropriate for you:

• Social
• Artistic

Social Work
Activities that allow you to use your talents and skills to interact effectively with others and that have an impact on other people's lives by helping them through activities such as teaching or counseling. You may like activities that:

• Involve working with and helping others
• Let you teach others new skills

Artistic Work
Activities that allow you to create works of beauty such as art, literature, music and dance. You may like activities that:

• Allow you to be creative
• Allow you to use your imagination to do original work
• Let you work according to your own rules

Counselor : Caseworkers and Counselors

Nurse : Registered Nurse

Physical Therapist : Physical and Occupational Therapists

Social Worker : Social Worker

Writer/Reporter : Broadcast Journalists and Newswriters

Teacher : Training Specialists and Instructors

Personnel Manager : Personnel Specialist

Chef : Food Service Specialist

Broadcast Producer : Audiovisual and Broadcast Directors

Graphic Designer : Graphic Designers and Illustrators

Music Director/Composer : Music Director

Musician : Musician

Photographer : Photographic Specialist

 ---

The anxious score you get is 40

It seems that you are too anxious. It is suggested that you experience an unusually high degree of anxiety. You'd better have some relaxation exercises or consult a psychologist or doctor for improvements.

---

Depression :   88/100

Your score suggests severe depression. You have a sense of dissatisfaction with life and a feeling that things are somehow beyond your realm of control. You wonder whether life has any meaning and feel that you'll never be happy "just like everyone else". Step one on the road to recovery is realizing that suffering from depression is not your fault. Depression seems like potential energy turned in on itself and made into an incapacitating paralysis. You have the potential to be very much alive.

So please, see a doctor; you really do not need to suffer this way. Remember, depression is a medical problem and it is not "just in your head". It is not something you did and you are not being punished. You don't deserve to suffer, no matter how badly you feel about yourself right now. I strongly recommend that you go to see you physician as soon as you can. There is help; please, go and get it.

---

HAVE FUN WITH THOSE TESTS !!!

In case you like poetry here're my poems  : http://thispainisrealdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/

Please leave comments and don't hesitate to tell me what you think of my poems, thank you !  The new ones are on the top !  Don't hesitate to come back cause I'll post new poems every week as I write a lot

Thanks for reading

-Maryline-

Been keeping that to myself for umm 5 days, not even my best friend Ryan knows about it !  Sad, isn't it ?  Don't be mad at me Ry ok ?

Alright, I'm cold and freezing all the time, plus other stuff, and sometimes feel weak and really tired and my mom got worried about that.  She said it's not normal, and it's been like that for 2 years I think.  I had a blood test done 2 years ago and they saw nothing, well they did see something but just said it was cause I was taking painkillers, they didn't search to know more.  I can feel there's something bad coming, I mean really bad.  Something like Leukemia or another shitty cancer !  When I told her, for once I talked to her, she just laughed at me saying I was crazy but I swear I can feel there's something, something bad, I can feel it.  Then I told her I'd kill myself if I had something like that and was about to die cause I don't wanna die that way  in one year or 2.  She thought I was joking, fine !  She said something like "well, it'd be sad, imagine if you only had a few months left to live you could realize your dream and go to the US and live your last days there".  Well, she's got the point, why dying here if I could do it in my dream place ?  And meet a few friends before.

Well, whatever.  I'm scared as hell !!!  Can't sleep, even harder to eat something, feel like crying all the time and God knows I never cry in front of others but the other day in class I couldn't stop my tears !  I feel so bad about that !  Only a few bad thoughts on mind as I'm feeling really bad, down, scared...   maybe it's just cause I don't eat enough and need vitamines, well that's what she said !  What the hell do I know ?

I don't want to have that blood test done this Friday, I hate needles..., and I don't want to have the results.  And if I'm sick for real I don't even want to fight, it'd be worthless anyway !  I guess I deserved all of this !  Some people might be happy to read this !

Well, I guess that's it for tonight !

See you all in hell !

Alright you all know that when I'm angry I don't scream or throw objects or whatever but right now I feel like screaming but I can't.  I can't wake them up.  So I'm just gonna say everything I wanna say and I won't care if you don't like it !

I'm so fed up with everybody ignoring me all the fucking time, or just telling me that they care when they don't, trying to be nice when they just can't even remember my name, saying I'm cute and then trying to rape me, saying I'm too kind and take advantage of me, talking behind my back, revealing my secrets if I trusted you enough to tell them... I say STOP this has been for too long, it hurts too much, all of these bastards can go fuck themselves, I don't wanna have that anymore, I can't take this shit anymore.  If it keeps on going that way I'm gonna do something stupid for the very last time and nobody could tell me not to !  This is how it's gonna end !  And it might be quite soon.

And don't fucking tell me I think too much or care too much about what other people think of might think of me I KNOW !  STOP saying you're there for me if you don't mean it or that you really wanna help if you just say that to make me feel better cause at the end you won't make me feel better, it's selfish when you're saying that just for yourself, to feel better yourself !  It's playing with others' feelings !

Thanks you all for bringing me down, making me feel like I mean nothing, that I'm a mistake, a nightmare alive... that everything'd be better without me alright soon that's what you'll have !!! And for making me feel like shit all the time making me believe that I'm stupid, unworthy... so now it's really the way I feel all the time.  I'm so lost and broken that I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is the mess I've become and it's been way too long and I do believe that change is always possible even if it's hard but not alone but I do feel alone and like nobody truly cares.

btw I know I keep telling that I'm the only guilty one for the decisions I've made all my life but whose fault is it if I've become nothing or a mess, a constant failure, why am I not confident, scared of everything, don't have faith, believe in nothing, self destructive ... ?  It can't be only my fault, it's your fault too !  Now it's too late !  So thank you for everything, for ruining my life !

Something I'd like to say to all these 'nice' people faking to be kind and everything to take advantage of me, bring me down, talking to me when they have nobody else... "CUT THE CRAP, STOP BULLSHITTING".  Who are you fooling ?  Who the hell do you think you are ?   Do you fuckin think you're better than others ? Damn, look at yourself in the mirror before judging others !

You all know that I'm not like that in general, I keep everything to myself, hardly show some emotions or feelings, only talk about myself when you ask a question, or  I deny, fake smiles, pretend that everything's fine and that I'm happy, living a perfect life... well tonight you got 80/100 of the "real me" talking instead of the "fake me" you hear/read everyday, don't get used to it !

I'm sorry for all the people I might hurt by talking that way but some of them might be 'happy' I could FOR ONCE say what I really feel and write my anger down instead of trying to forget another way

Well it's time to try to get some sleep now though I can never really sleep with everything I'm scared of right now and I know it's never gonna stop and can only go worse !

First here's a quote : ''I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it' ~ G Keillor."

Sometimes in your life you face the truth about who you really are... and sometimes, not to say 99/100 of the time, you just pretend to be someone you're not.  Why ?  Because you want people to think that everything's alright, that you don't have weaknesses, issues or whatever, that you're a nice person, normal...  And also because it's easier to fake a smile than to explain why you're sad or angry or whatever. You fear others' judgment and you think that nobody can understand you or sometimes you let the 'real you' talk (and feel really bad about it cause you don't like to show that side of you) and have the feeling that the other is ignoring you and what you say.  So why talk ?  Most of us have two sides : the 'real you' and the one you show everybody.  You're not really lying it's mostly hiding.  Hiding what ?  Everything.  Feelings, emotions, actions, beliefs, secrets...  Everything that could lead others, including (close) friends, to have a bad opinion of you.

Pretending to be someone else is easy and natural once you got used to it.  And after repeating a lie to yourself for so long you believe it. So when you deny the truth you're not only lying to others but also to yourself.

Sometimes you're lost, confused and don't know what to think or do anymore and most of all you feel unworthy, ignored and like nobody cares about you.  You have great friends.  Some of them know everything, or almost, about you and yet you can't really talk to them.  You can't just sit on your chair and open up to them saying 'alright I don't feel good, something happened...I'm sad, angry...' and two words you really can't say 'help me'.  You prefer acting and hiding instead of saying that but you feel bad each time you hide from them or even worse when they catch you hiding or even lying. They might feel like you don't trust them but it's not true, you just fear what they think or could think of you because you really love them and hope they love you too, you don't want them to hate you.  Deep inside of you you sometimes wish they'd see there's something wrong and would ask you about it and wouldn't give up until you said everything.  You might be scared of your own friends, isn't it sad ? Even if you know that they'll still be there for you no matter what you say you keep pretending to be the person you think they'd like you to be.

But remember one thing.  It's not because you can pretend to be someone else, someone better, that you become that person ! If you believe so then you're lying to yourself.  The 'real you' will still remain after pretending but you just prefer to ignore it because maybe you don't really like who you really are or what you've become (a mess).  Sometimes you try to change and sometimes not.  Maybe you've already tried a few times and always failed and then you think that you can't change and you believe that you love being the way you are even if you know it's wrong.

You might be living/dying in a hell or nightmare you created and waiting for the person who'd be able to get you out of it.  It's like there's a part of you crying for help and another part of you just praying for nobody to suspect anything but deep inside you know you wish there was someone to help you or even save you from yourself or whatever.  But just thinking of it scares you so you shut up, close yourself to everybody, pretend to be fine, close your eyes, hope that nobody will know about the 'real you' and keep pretending !  And of course you're 'FINE' that (fucked up) way !

-Maryline-