Times are tough.

Everyone seems to have an opinion/plan to recharge the economy here in the states and each of these ideas is met with its own set of naysayers; usually listing a series of flaws in the other's plan, "it will cost to much and not
boost spending enough", or "too little too late", "too full of pork",
or "you can't just dole out checks and tax credits to people who aren't
paying in anyway" etc.  Luckily I've devised a way to save us
all.
Well, more like a way to give somebody a hundred bucks ($100 USD)
and give me something to do for a few weeks other than surf the
internet for english tranlsations of Warsaw Pact LOLcats...
 (which you can find here btw: http://rolcats.wordpress.com/ ) 

What's my genius plan you ask?
I'm going to put a blog post with alot of the "I miss you matt davis" pics
I've received over the last couple years, and let you fine peoples
decided which is your favorite. And then I'm going to give that person
$100. (probably via Paypal or Google Checkout or something like that).

Simple eh? Suck on that Uncle Sam.
If you've sent me a pic in the past and I have it up here or on myspace
than it will more than likely be included. If you want to play along,
think you can do better than the others, or just want a hundred bucks
for smack and don't want to pawn anything just send me your version(s)
to:
   IMissYou /AT/ daviscomedy /DOT/ com
and you'll be good to go.

You can see the other pics within the following galleries:
I Miss You Matt Davis Gallery One
I Miss You Matt Davis Gallery Two
I Miss You Matt Davis Gallery Three
  I Miss You Matt Davis Gallery Four
 I Miss You Matt Davis Gallery Five

If nothing else it's something you can do without having to cash out any of your crippled 401k .

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Get monthly downloads and other crapola via the newsletter: http://mattdavis.fanbridge.com

If you live in Atlanta, near it, have friends there, will be there randomly, or need a place to hide till the heat on you from those death threats you made against your ex cools off.... then may I suggest you lock the children in the closet and start the pre-game drinking now.

Wednesday, November 19th at 9:45pm Matt Davis' SINNER's BALL will be kicking off at The EARL in Atlanta, GA.



If you've been to one before then you already know why I speak of this show with such unapologetic glee. It is true to it's mantra "Comedy for the NEVER offended" and is a mix of some really heavy topics by some equally comedic heavy hitters and the inner chaos of those performers. NOTHING is off limits, not even the others on the show. So if you banged a bar back 10 years ago of questionable appearance or gender and don't want anyone to know about it... you may just want to stay home. If you think (enter Random Sitcom Name Here) is hilarious... then you may want to stay home and video tape your suicide... please leave that tape to us in your will though, cause we'd love to use it as a promo for the next Sinner's Ball. =)

Here's the info, as well as some other shows I will be doing in the area the rest of the week.
I hope to see you there, and I hope you are too intoxicated to remember me taking naked pictures of you and Bonnet Headed Macak.

Nov 19th at 9:30pm Matt Davis' SINNER's BALL at The Earl in Atlanta, GA!!!
Quite literally "Comedy For The NEVER Offended"

On the Show:

* Matt Davis
* Mo Alexander (The Mo Show in Las Vegas)
* Kerry White (The Thought Criminals Tour)
* Julian Kross (XratedShirts.com)
* Jason Barnes (Dirty Truth Pimps Series)
* Matt Pharr

Links for show:

* www.DavisComedy.com/Tour.html for info.
* Direct event link:
http://www.daviscomedy.com/component/option,com_eventlist/Itemid,65/func,details/did,216/
* Online Ticketing:
http://www.ticketalternative.com/Events/1532.aspx
* Venue's website (directions etc.)
http://www.BadEARL.com
* Online Ticketing Link: http://www.ticketalternative.com/Events/1532.aspx

And little blurb:
If you only make one show this year... make it this one. This "SIN" show will have comedians Kerry White, Mo Alexander, Julian Kross, Jason Barnes, Matt Pharr (whose name i always spell wrong) and some others. Tickets are 10 bucks in advance. www.BadEARL.com is venue's site with online ticketing.
I'm REALLY pumped about this show... so even if you can't make it, please pass the info on to anyone you know in the ATL area that would dig some hilarious and brutal "Comedy for the Never Offended!"

Online Ticketing Link: http://www.ticketalternative.com/Events/1532.aspx

MYSPACE EVENT PAGE with Video Clips etc.: http://events.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=events.detail&eventID=466951.13388

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Nov 20th at The Warren

The Highland's trendiest night spot, The Warren City Club, is located above the Dark Horse Tavern. The Warren's intimate lounge setting provides a refreshing alternative to the stereotypical comedy club.

For more info: http://www.thewarrencityclub.com/

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Nov 25th Dirty Truth Pimps at The Punchline

The Punchline in Atlanta, GA This show features intelligent humor without censorship.. not for the easily offended... not for anyone who doesn't know where the nearest Barnes and Noble is in their neighbor hood. Also on this show: Julian Kross, Jason Barnes, Landry (Punchline Comedy Contest Winner), and Mike Hahn (Funny Farm Comedy Contest Winner). A SOLID show.

Punchline.com for ticketing

I realize by the responses of "where the hell have you been" and "I thought you were dead" I've be getting lately that I've been a bit more reclusive than usual. Be assured it is unintentional. But below is just a recap of the last couple months and what hell has been going on… again… for those that give a damn.

First off, many thanks to everyone that has either bought a hard copy at a show, online, or downloaded a copy of my new album and/or dropped a nice review of it on one of the many sites.
Here's a big obnoxious banner linking to a page with info on it:



All of you kick ass in an extra kick ass kind of way for the support – if anyone tells you otherwise you have my permission to stab him/her in the taint with the eating utensil of your choice. (Remember, closer to the plate is for the entrée, so make those count.)

---

An additional thanks to the hundreds that have "bought me as a pet" over the last couple months… I, sadly, do not trust applications on this already cluttered thing so I will never know "how much you think I'm worth." I'm going to guess around 1.2 million Pepsi Points or roughly 25,000 wooden nickels. But I do appreciate it.

---

I've been moving pretty steady on the road since February and am currently enjoying some time off to go through the shows I recorded and get some new video clips up here and audio downloads on my site. Not to mention the pics I've been neglecting. (sadly non are from the Gay Pride weekend in Pensacola beach I stumbled into last Monday while attempting to see my buddy Tuck's band "The Dirty Mother Tuckers" perform… though a very nice lesbian lady did punch me in the arm and say "nice board shorts" while pointing out what I assume to be another lesbian she found attractive… I did not. But I appreciated the inclusion and tried my best not to act like she hurt my arm.)

Before the P'Cola debocle (working backwards) there was the well over capacity crowd in Ft. Walton Beach – over double if what I was told was correct. Not real sure if anyone heard what I was attempting to scream over the chaos in the back of the room, but it was fun. Also ran into my other buddy Tucker that night… and a different band… and some guy who felt it necessary to walk into the green room with no pants on. Maybe I should've given them directions to Pensacola…

Before FWB was the lovely Panama City Beach, where I did two shows on boat. The first one had a seven year old on board who was nice enough to allow himself to be interview by the local paper regarding the show, and even nicer not to mention my constant offering to buy him a beer,

Preceding PCB was Gulf Shores/Orange beach and a rained out concert that led to drinking and a hazy recollection of slurring a Waffle House order before realizing speaking was no longer an option. I may have ordered a turtle sandwich… not really sure.

Then there's Columbus, Cordele, Little Rock, Wichita, Nassau, Charlotte, DC, and some others mixed with varying degrees of ridiculousness. Like the man who interrupted my show in Charlotte to walk on stage and inform me he was a U.S. Marshall. I have no fucking clue why, nor do I expect the explanation to warrant his need of presenting this fact. Wish I had taped that one though… just so I have clear picture of him to place at the ticket counter next I'm there.

Let's see what else…. Well the Bahamas gave me a stalker from some central or south American country (I have a lovely voice mail I'll be animating shortly) a 77 year old man received a lap dance from a young lady in the audience in southern Georgia. A man introduced himself to me as a "proud racist" in Little Rock, and I think (think) I was propositioned by a trucker somewhere between Wichita, Kansas and Springfield, MO.

So it's been a pretty stable, uneventful few months.
I'll have a more entertaining blog up soon explaining my love of karaoke and why the police wont let me pantomime while others sing. Again, this one was just for those that give a damn.

Word
-davis

---

Ahhhh… St Patrick’s Day… definitely one of my top holidays.



There’s just nothing quite as fulfilling as watching a historically religious figure actually be the namesake of one the largest parties in the world. In fact, the only truly religious point left in the whole day is the many misunderstood facts about it. But then again, a couple hundred years of binge drinking can make any memory more than a little blurry.


So here’s a little refresher you can half commit to memory and then butcher later in a drunken argument.
St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th) has been for thousands of years (in Ireland) a religious feast and the supposed anniversary of Senor Patty’s death in the 5th century. Traditional Christian Lenten prohibitions were actually cast aside for the day and the Irish would get all crazy and toss back all the meat they wanted… usually the traditional bacon and cabbage… which makes me wonder why some sort of air freshening product was never introduced into the celebration.

But as Irish as the holiday is, the first parade actually took place in America in 1762 by Irishmen serving in the English military, and more to do with a celebration of their "Irishness" than it did any religious observance. In fact up until the time of the Great Potato Famine in 1845 most Irish immigrants were Protestants. The famine brought nearly a million Catholic Irish fleeing starvation. And they weren’t exactly welcomed either… they were Mexican way before Mexican was Mexican, except they actually could NOT find work.

It was a crazy time in this county... and because of the anti-Catholic Irish sentiment in this county, when March 17th rolled around newspapers and periodicals of the time portrayed them in cartoons as violent drunk monkeys… much like how newspapers portrayed the Japanese during WWII. Strange really... how every time in a period of our history cultural differences arise between the white Protestant based majority and anyone slightly different religiously, socio-politically, or ethnically the method for belittling and slandering them is always to invoke the monkey comparison… even though evolution is historically viewed as incorrect by the same being using it for its racial bias… which begs the question "When do we get the Terror Monkey cartoons?"

Well I think I’ve successfully gotten off topic.
Let’s get back to the matter hand. Namely "why do we get hammered on March 17th’

Quite frankly it appears to be the one stereotype of the Irish that (despite its originally negative connotation) we’ve managed to embrace.
We constantly get the whole "he banished all the snakes out of Ireland" thing wrong… some people I’ve talked to even get it confused with the Pied Piper… like St Patty was tooting on a flute and snakes (who despite what the dude in Bangladesh may make you think) were entranced by his version of "hit the road jack" and did so. An obvious butchery of two stories and a complete lack of comprehension of one of the basic ingredients to all folklore and story telling: the metaphor.
Which is what the "banishing of snakes" is in the first place. There were never any serpents in Ireland. St Patrick’s banishing of all the snakes in Ireland was a metaphor for the eradication of Paganism. (St Patrick was originally a Pagan himself who converted to Christianity and went to Ireland to spread Catholicism… and was rather successfully if you hadn’t noticed.)
So we have a lot of misunderstanding around the Holiday. Leprechauns aren’t real by the way, the clover is a symbol of spring (Pagan) and was later used as a symbol of pride in the face of British invasion and control, and it wasn’t until 1995 that the Irish government abandoned the tradition laws and allowed Pubs to be open on the religious holiday so they could go all Parade and festival with it to increase tourism.

For a nation of people that invented that were almost wiped out by a tuber crop going to shit, perfected the car bomb (in not invent it all together), and have been trying to tell the British to fuck off since before James Madison learned to write… you really have to give them one thing: they can throw one hell of a party, even if it wasn’t their intention.

So this St. Patrick’s Day grab a shot of Jameson, turn up a pirated copy of Metallica’s version of "Whiskey in Jaro," and demand gold from anyone you meet under 4 feet tall.

-matt davis

Oklahoma you're old but you're no Georgia!

Happy 100th Birthday Oklahoma, the 46th state… land of corn and meth, place where I've been sitting the last week trying to figure out why you are so excited that it's your birthday. I mean you're a hundred… you should be exhausted… go grab a nap.

Ah but the magic of the event is of course the rallying of soccer moms and other persons with 8+ free hours a day making floats and incorrectly assuming the costumes from the local high school theater's production of Mid Summer Night's Dream are authentic to the period. I don't recall there being pixies in the Midwest circa 1907, but then again none of the organizers of the festivities seemed to recall there being Native Americans here before then…. So I guess we are even. Enjoy your Vanilla icing and small pox ice cream cake!



I'm often confused by celebrations like this. No one involved was there when they "founded" Oklahoma… so why is it so many people 40 years old and older give a shit? I'll tell you why, Good Clean Living. That's right. Anytime someone reforms their way of life (usually early 30s) in the face of a slowing metabolism and newfound responsibility they welcome in an unhealthy amount of clear headed free time. Downtime is to be used for the recovery of the night/week before… not for making floats to celebrate the clouded history of something most public school textbooks covered in the caption to picture 4a.

But what the hell do I know I'm still trying to figure out which came first, Babe the Blue Ox or the abolition of slavery.



The point is we don't really care. No one in Oklahoma has been gearing up for the 100th B'day bash… it is just fodder for the local NBC affiliates morning show. Something harmless to talk about, wear a funny wig, hold a candle, and talk about how cider is made for 3 hours between breaks for the weather and traffic. Oh and throw in something funny about how long the commute would be if you still had to do by wagon… that'd be great.

What's been cracking me up (and this is by NO-WAY significant to just this state) is that no one I've talked to realized last year was the 99th birthday, or even knew what year the state was founded, or what number it was, or that absolutely no one else in the world was even aware this celebration was going on. And next week, amidst cans of cranberry sauce, it will all be forgotten. And next year when the state turns 101 no one will make a float… that is unless Wild Turkey decides to cash in on a marketing opportunity.

But it's all good I suppose. At least for a couple days everyone forgot about war, poverty, the fact their job sucks, and that they've been repressing homosexual tendencies since scout camp because they don't want to go to hell…

Which brings me to state number two in the "really? this is fucking happening" moments of the week. Georgia's governor and members of what ever elected body taking up space in the capital building got together and prayed for rain…. That's right; in 2007 people are still praying for rain. Has no one read a farmer's almanac?



What is great about this precipitation prayer is they waited to do it on a day with a 50% or greater chance of rain, then it drizzled, and they marched around victorious… "See I guess prayer does work…" then it stopped drizzling and no one said anything. You know it's hard to apply the scientific method to superstitions…

But more importantly why is it always rain that people are willing to come together and pray for… whether it's a dance session with bells on your ankles or just a bunch of politicians trying to cover their wolfy exterior with sheep's hide. Why rain? Why not something really impressive… like a sandwich.



Seems trivial maybe, but if you really want to secure the masses into the legitimacy of your "faith" don't huddle up in the fourth quarter and toss a hail Mary towards an outcome that can be explained quite simply by a 5th grader who paid attention. Instead, how about you all gather in a circle around a paper plate and pray for god to make pastrami on rye appear. That would be impressive.

And hey, who knows – if you can get one pastrami on rye you might even be able to butter up your lord and savior into bring back that never ending basket of fish (kind a like Olive Garden's pasta thing on Thursdays or whenever)!



But maybe I'm missing the point all together, free food might be just a little too "Christian" … even for those willing to pray for rain.

Oklahoma, maybe it's a good thing you waited till 1907… you could've ended up like Georgia: hungry, dry, and on your knees.

-matt davis

On my actual site I have a blog as well... that blog also has corresponding Google Text Ads which make me billions of dollars.... but the latest trend is making me question wtf google bots are thinking of me.
(everything below is a reprint of what i posted on my site as well... just so you know).

Apparently the content bots over at Google, who crawl sites to determine what relevant ads should be displayed based on the content of page, have deemed the content of my blog page... well... N.A.M.B.L.A. worthy. Which is rather unsettling.

Here is an example i received when pulling up http://www.daviscomedy.com/blog.html (the home page of my blog) :



Now I realized I've done some writing mocking the L.A. Archdiocese, SIN show promo stuff, and even one where I called for the unbelievably late term abortion of that idiot representing South Carlolina during the Miss Teen debocle.. . but really... child molester registry?

And why the fuck are they advertising in the first place? Well who cares really, I went to the site and had a BLAST!

I highly recommend the work they are doing. I'm sure there is even a better use for it then my "20 bucks says more kid touchers live near you than me" game I played with everyone I've called in the last hour and a half. (side note: I'm down about 300 bucks at the moment... fucking Alabama... people like 'em young here I guess... sigh...)

The Abuse, Coping, Support, site thing was less humorous. In fact I only laughed three times... they really need some lighter conversation over there. And something I can gamble about.

Drinking and gambling games fix most things I found. In fact, without the combo game of Truth or Dare most people would never even have a three some in 1950s retro scuba gear.

I'm sure you understand.
-davis

October is by far my favorite month. It's a seasonal turning point, the beginning of the last fiscal quarter, and it smells of vegetable pies and candy covered razor blades. Not to mention it gets kicked off with a triple threat birthday week for my mother, father, and myself. I can only imagine how elated they must have been when they learned I would be raping their celebratory glory for my own back in 79. Oh, how times haven't changed.

October is also held near and dear to me because it ends, just as drunken and rowdy as it begins, with Halloween (of course in its ending the costumes and knocking on strangers doors is a little easier explained… but hey, what are birthdays for if not to strap into my Super Grover costume and harass a few garden home community residents?).

Halloween is as amazing in concept as it far from its original purpose. It's the only day that men all over the country get in touch with a nascent desire to stuff a brassiere, get glammed out, and never explain to anyone how the fuck they learned to walk in 8 inch heels. A nation in makeup reviling in self-indulgence under the pretense of tricks and treats; it's a fucking White Snake video of a day. There really is nothing more pure, more primal, and more honest.

I've had the fortune to participate in Halloween goings-ons in several cities over the years and each offers its unique flare to the occasion, however all the core, most important elements are always present. This year I will be attending the celebrations in Knoxville, TN a city that, may I dare say, has a drinking problem. I'm excited and fearful all at the same time at the thought of it.
But since I'll be in a town that brings nothing short of chaos every time I'm there for the most chaotic and utterly pagan of days, (and I use "pagan" here more for the hedonistic mindset than any religious affiliation), some discussions were had amongst the people that needed to have them and bang: The Sin Show comes Knoxville.

That's right kids, the Sunday following my week, November 4th to be exact, we will be tossing a little End of Daylight Savings time party by way of a Sin Show.

If you're not familiar with these shows it's quite simple. Comedy for the Never Offended. But don't misread that to mean it's a def jam "pussy fuck fuck pussy" type of show.
It's a strange range of comedic styles and subject matter that range from the brilliantly awkward to so honest it almost hurts.

If you don't know what that means feel free to watch some of the these video clips:











It's a lot of show bitches.
Directions, Ticketing and all that crap is available here: Sin Show Nov 4th Knoxville, TN

Even if you don't live in Knox I invite you to attend. It's worth it. Wear the costume you had on Wednesday night… don't even bother washing it.

You tricked… you treated… now… SIN.

By all means spread the word to anyone you think would be interested… maybe a few you know that wouldn't.
If you have questions feel free to ask.

For those that don't know, the "Dome Home"/ "Regret Compound"/ "Turd Biscuit" / "Wooden Spaceship" / etc. etc. etc. is no more. Well non of us live there any longer… I assume it's still there, but considering the beating it managed to take during the year and a couple months we lived there I'd say we merely eked out just in time to avoid the locusts. Between the spear gun assaults, creatures giving birth beneath the deck, random fireworks wake up calls, and few other "incidents" documented on film, it's a good thing we lived in the middle of fucking nowhere around neighbors who (most of which anyway) had been deceased for quite some time. Those still breathing around us were doing so only until the inevitable parole violation, which is a comforting thought when you decide to pop-off a few rounds from an AR-15 at 1am.

But it was a long coming farewell as we had all moved towards other directions.
Paul, as many already know, is residing now somewhere in S. Charlotte with his fiancé and unborn child, which will probably have a cleft palate driving Paul to abandon it at an early age, thus unleashing the vicious cycle that is better explained through a comprehensive study of Meme Theory… that or by talking to him for an hour.

Kerry I believe at last account is still with Tracy and they have taken up residence in an undisclosed location. Which is best, considering Kerry's recent run in with the local authorities else where in North Carolina. Apparently you don't have to actually read and comprehend the law to be a police officer, which is wonderful. Damned first amendment.. how dare you Kerry?! How dare you insult those peoples lord and savior forcing them to a physical confrontation which each other and the police having to be called only for you to get blamed for it…. How dare you. Sticks and stones and shit.

On a lighter note I finally got my pilot's license. Something I've been trying to accomplish for some time. I plan to sell it on Ebay and use the money to teach abstinence and other forms of self-control to young republicans. Meaning I hope to fulfill my dream of installing web cams in public restrooms and then broadcast the video feeds over the web. Fuck Big Brother… some things need a Dirty Uncle's touch.

I am also still waiting on an apology from the people of South Carolina for banning abortion… after that little Teen USA filibuster I think they owe all of us an apology, and I am glad to collect them on your behalf.

I will leave it up to you to decide what part(s) of the above is true or untrue. But the compound is no more… so to all those that stopped by and crashed for a night on their way elsewhere, be aware that I don't know who lives there now. I'm not saying you can't stay there, I'm just saying you may have to result to forced entry.



-matt davis

The state of Washington is really shaping up to be a place of interest to me. An odd circus freak show voyeuristic focus of interest, but interest nonetheless.

Let me G.I. Joe you up to speed:

A couple years back (2005) there was a criminal case involving a man dieing after he and a friend video taped him being fucked in the ass by a horse in Enumclaw, WA… you read that correctly.. he had a HORSE may sweet, violent, hoof clamoring love to his man vag.
The technique was simple, one guy holds the horse's no-no button so that it wont move forward while the other guy enjoys the feeling of giving birth backwards through his poop-shoot. I can't post the video of it on myspace, but if you're not one of the eight billion people I, or one of my friends, showed it to, take my word… the horse was a formidable challenge and it did not end well. (Except for the horse who, judging strictly by his end result, seemed to enjoy himself).

For the catcher in this scenario a trip to the hospital wasn't quick enough and I believed his cause of death was internal bleeding due to several crushed organs.
Here's the Seattle Times covering the story:
(Enumclaw Horse Story on Seattle Times)



The story was all over the web. Xrated Shirts even made a shirt:





Now that you have half the battle here's the most recent courtesy of the Seattle Times:
(Seattle Times - Man has sex with goat)

A former employee of Eatonville's Pioneer Farm Museum in Pierce County
has been accused of having sex with a goat and charged with animal cruelty.

According to charging papers, a tour guide saw Arthur Lawton,
63,having sexual intercourse with the animal in a barn on May 8 during
an evening event at the museum.

That's right, the tour of a lifetime. Note that he was charged with animal cruelty. However in the Enumclaw case no such charges were brought. Why? The age-old interpretation of rape my friends. The pitcher is always the guilty party.

His employers later fired him, according to the court document_

Which is easily the worst business move they've ever made considering I was two-clicks away from Travelocity until I read that sentence. I mean I personally have no desire to bang any kind of farm animal… but damn it if Arthur Lawton is giving tours that day I'm up to witness any mistakes he'd like to make.


Lawton is the second person charged in the county since the Legislature
made bestiality a crime in response to the fatal injury to a man having
sex with a horse in Enumclaw.


You read that correctly. This is the second guy to GET CAUGHT since they made animal banging illegal. Which apparently it wasn't until the video of the guy dying from being punch loved by a palomino hit the Internet. Way to save face Washington state. You guys banned slavery yet? May want to get on that before any videos surface on You Tube.


Here's the closing line of the news blurb... and by far my favorite:


A man accused of having sex with the family pit bull was acquitted in May


HAHA holy dog-shit. You're damn right you acquit that guy. If he's willing to wrestle a pit bull down and force himself inside it, the last thing you need is that guy mad at you. Something tells me mace won't be much of a deterrent.


But I bring you all this to ask something. At what point does this become your thing? I mean are the women in Washington State that fucking horrendous? Or are the people there just that fucking board? If it's the latter I think I have an old Playstation I could send them if anyone wants to help by tossing in some games.

-davis

So the Catholic church (well the Archdiocese of Los Angeles) is dropping 660 million to victims of sexual abuse. If for some reason this is actually news to you, here's an article you can read to bring you up to speed: http://www.factnet.org/?p=140

According to both the source listed above (which is actually quoting an Associated Press piece I believe) as well as any number of other news articles you can easily Google, there are several little facts to this payout that for whatever reason everyone else regurgitating them seems to find no need for further light. Maybe I'm missing something here, please feel free to help me out with any of the points on which I'm lost.

660 Million Dollars!
Yeah that's a pretty big number. And if I had been finger fucked up the ass by a Corinthians quoting pedophile, it's definitely the kind of number I would want to hear.
But according to both the above linked article and other sources the Archdiocese of Los Angeles counts 4.3 million catholics. 660 million / 4.3 million equals about 154 bucks each. Divide that 154 by 52 Sundays and you get 2.96. You divide that 2 dollars and 96 cents by the 7 days a Sunday's tithing represents and you get about 42 cents. Now considering many of these cases go back to the 1950s, you then divide that 42 cents by 50 (the number a years from then till now) and you get .00845 less than a penny.

Fuck a cup of coffee for some sick kids in Africa, you can sponsor a pedophile for less than a penny a fucking day! (and yes I'm aware that the "fucking" in "a fucking day" has its own special meaning here).

Now to be fair my math doesn't take into account the fact that the Archdiocese of Los Angeles hasn't always had 4.3 million member, and not all 4.3 million go to church every Sunday and of the percentage that does go they may not all tithe the standard 10% of your income booking fee into heaven that is expected.

So let's be fair then, as I quote where that 660 million dollars is coming from:

"The archdiocese, the nation's largest, will pay $250 million, insurance carriers will pay a combined $227 million and several religious orders will chip in $60 million. The remaining $123 million will come from litigation with religious orders that chose not to participate in the deal, with the archdiocese guaranteeing resolution of those 80 to 100 cases within five years, Hennigan said. The archdiocese is released from liability in those claims, said Tod Tamberg, church spokesman."

Ok so the Archdiocese is paying out a direct 250 million. Playing the small numbers game let's say that the mean of its membership over 50 years is One Million. So we are at 250 bucks a piece. And the same equation as before: 205 / 52 = 4.81 AND 4.81 / 7 = .687 (ok ok I'll round it to .69 u tasteless bastards) .69 / 50 = .0138 just over a penny a day. Leave a penny, take a penny… either way they spend more on candles.

Moving forward though we're going to ignore 60 million that's being "chipped in" by several other religious orders, as well the 123 million "… from litigation with religious orders that chose not to participate in the deal…" Regardless what exactly that's supposed to mean, the math game above I'm sure would reveal similar results if applied there… regarding the latter: how exactly do you 'choose not to participate in deal?" Couldn't the other churches get a Church in a position of authority to manipulate and/or trick them into participating? Or are the religious orders being mentioned too old for all that?

Enough of that.. let's look at my favorite number and the phrase that made first pay attention to any of this: "… insurance carriers will pay a combined $227 million."
Wait…. They have Kid Toucher Insurance?

Kid Toucher Insurance?
You can get Kid Toucher Insurance? Now I'm not stupid, I know you can pretty much getting anything insured if you are willing to spend the money on the premiums, but the second an organization calls you up and asks to get insurance to cover them JUST IN CASE a person(s) representing them starts fucking kids…. Shouldn't you at the very least question what the fuck you've become as a person that people think you're the guy to call when a division manager starts putting his ring finger up 9 year olds?
The D.A. said there might be a criminal case… well here's a clue gumshoe… they bought Kid Toucher Insurance.

Anything that makes N.A.M.B.L.A. rethink the way they invest their monthly dues should sound some alarm bells.

But every bit of news coverage I've read, seen, or heard passes over this line like it is a run of the mill tort case… little Billy slipped on the stairs, so the insurance company will be paying out X amount of dollars… more like Billy slipped his shirt off so Father Creepy-fuck could blow a load on his chest.

I'm so fucking amazed that is insurable.
Hey, can I get "I like to jack-off outside nursing home windows Insurance?"
What about: "I thought her running and screaming meant she wanted it Insurance?"
Or how about:
"I forgot to pull out, she wanted to keep it, so I took her fishing on Christmas Eve Insurance?" at least I got Jesus involved in that one.

Red Tape
When you have Kid Toucher Insurance do they send out claims adjusters? OH BUT WAIT! I think they do… because the payout of the 660 million to the individuals will be done so according to severity of abuse…. How great is that! You get diddle when your 9 and now 40 years + later you have sit on the phone and describe the damage. How much is a handy against your will worth these days? At amount do they just consider the frame bent and total you out?
I've talked to more than claims adjuster in my day… and I can assure you… it would be less scarring to just take a quick 5 million and get molested again.

And who the fuck is this Insurance company(s) by the way? They obviously like high-risk policies… and they seem to have no problem paying out… So we can pretty much rule out State Farm, All State, Geico, and the rest of those guys ignoring the entire city of New Orleans right now. … This company should really hit up the residents of NOLA, southern Mississippi and Alabama, Sri Lanka, and give some a policy break to some people that got fucked, instead of

I'd like to see this mystery insurance company(s) do a little pro-bono work and offer a Violent Rape of a Clergyman Insurance policy to federal prisoners… just so when/if any of these pedophiles end up serving time there will be a means to cover the medical care they will be needed on a nightly basis… stomach bumping gets expensive.

Eye for an Eye as some book put it.

Another 6 million please
In closing I would like to add a "shame on you" look of disappointment in the direction of the person(s) responsible for coming up with total amount to be paid for not having the balls or foresight to allocate another 6 million.

-davis