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darcy



Last Updated: 10/6/2009

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Gender: Female
Sign: Libra

State: California
Signup Date: 11/5/2003

Blog Archive
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May 26, 2009 - Tuesday 

Current mood:  weird
...can't believe i didn't think to post this already! thanks lelania!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=683182182&ref=profile

sorry but i guess we have to cut-n-paste on this one or myspace will break my sad little link. jeez myspace! jealous much??   lol!
January 9, 2009 - Friday 

Current mood:  pissed off

as if it needed to be said, our governor is an asshat.

starting next month, all state workers will be subject to a two-day-a-month furlough. that means we involuntarily take two days off a month, without pay, which comes out to about a 10% loss in monthly income.

i realize you might be thinking 'hey, those people don't do anything anyway, may as well cut them', and i understand where those thoughts come from. who hasn't stood in a line at the dmv and wanted to take some form of vengeance on the people behind the counter?

here's the thing:
even if state workers are over paid and under worked (in some cases they are, in many cases they definitely aren't), taking a 10% cut in pay is BAD FOR CALIFORNIA!! when the economy is already in the tanker, how does it improve things to cut a ton of discretionary (and in most cases absolutely neccesary) income, not to mention lay people off? doesn't that mean there will be a lot less money being spent? doesn't a lot less money being spent mean a worse economy?

am i somehow missing something here?

yes, the furlough will get me too, but i'll be ok. it's the single-income families i'm worried about, the people who, despite being hard workers are already living paycheck to paycheck, and all the people who will get laid off because they haven't worked for the state long enough to avoid getting cut. there are people who work in my agency who do make a shitload of money, but there are far more (key data operators, mailroom workers, support staff, namely, the people who keep things going) who work their butts off and don't make the crazy money. but everyone is getting cut the same, across the board.  the latest SN&R was talking about how in past times of economic woes, sacramento remained a relative bubble of calm because of it's high amount of state-worker residents who were able to keep the cash flow moving around town, but that this time it'll actually work against the city.

honestly, i think that the state government of california is pretty effing broken. but punishing the workers who keep it going is only going to fast-forward an already swift slide into major economic crisis. don't turn state workers into scape goats! fix the real problem.

*sigh* ok... i'm pissed, but admittedly i don't have the answers. i don't know how to fix it, but this furlough plan strikes me as a sure way f*ck the state way worse and way faster. i'm worried.

edited to add, especially after seeing christian's comment: i am DAMN GRATEFUL to even have a job, without a doubt! my rant is based mainly on my fear for my city and the people living in it. i'm hoping the best for all of us.

December 29, 2008 - Monday 

Current mood:  triumphant
i was looking over my blogs from this past year in order to do a recap and ran across a survey i did at the end of 2007... it was kind of interesting to see how things have changed from that year to this one, so i repeated the survey but also kept the answers from last year as comparison. 2007 was the year that nearly broke me but 2008 was the year that proved once and for all that what doesn't kill me really does make me stronger. at this rate, i can't wait to see what 2009 has in store!! 

1-Did you kiss anyone?
2007 - and how!   :) 
2008 - ohhhh yeaaaaaahhhh....  ;-)

2-Did you date anyone?
2007 - yes, for pretty much the first time, believe it or not! 
2008 - tom and i are still together and i love him to death. :-)  on top of having ridiculous amounts of fun, i'm learning a lot in this relationship and value it immensely.

3-Are you going to have someone to kiss when the ball drops?
2007 - yes, and i can't wait!! 
2008 - a happy ditto on this one.  :)

4-Did you lose any friends?
2007 - sadly yes. a couple were dramatic losses and a few have just drifted away. 
2008 - no, not really. i made a clean cut on some friendships that were essentially over and that was very liberating.

5-Did you gain any friends?
2007 - yes, some wonderful ones! 
2008 - yes, and i regained a very dear friendship and for that i am endlessly grateful.  :)

6-Did you do something new?
2007 - almost everything i did this year was new, for better or worse. 
2008 - yes, pretty much all in a positive direction... had my first art show and got a big promotion, for example.

7-Did anyone important to you die?
2007 - yes, tracker meant more to me than i can possibly describe. 
2008 - no! this year i didn't lose anyone close to me. though i'll admit that with a couple more days of '08 left to go its a little superstitiously frightening to write that...  everybody better stay safe and sound out there, ok?!?   :)

8-Did you change?
2007 - yes and no... in some ways i've changed extraordinarily, but in other ways i've returned to my true self. both are definitely positive changes. 
2008
- ditto on this one... i feel way more comfortable in my own skin this year and more sure of where i'm going in life.

9-Are you happy with the year over all?
2007 - happy isn't the right word... maybe more like pained and awed.
2008 - absolutely yes. last year was all about growing pains and this year was more about reaping the rewards of that growth.

10-Whats the best thing that happened to you?
2007 - the beginning of my personal transformation which has been made possible through the support of family and friends, therapy, an invaluable self-improvement program, and a ton of blood, sweat and tears.
2008 - so many great things happened this year, but i think finally gaining some much-needed confidence, sense of self and inner peace was the best, partly because that opened the door to so many other good things happening and the ability to truly enjoy them.

11-Did you fall in or out of love?
2007 - tough question... i guess both.
2008 - more in love with everything, especially life in general.

12-Are you happy the year's almost over?
2007 - YES.
2008 - yes, but not out of a sense of relief... each new year really does feel like a renewal time and this year i'm feeling really excited and impatient to get on with my plans for this coming year. 

13-Are you going to change something about yourself next year?
2007 - undoubtedly - i'm a non-stop project.
2008 - ditto, though this year i'll be functioning more from a position of strength rather than having to do all the groundwork.

14-Do you think 2008 will be a better year than 2007?
2007 - i have really high hopes, but i won't tempt fate.   ;-)
2008 - yes i do, and i no longer believe that fate has much of anything to do with it.

15-How many things did you do well in 2007?
2007 - i did the best i could with everything i took on; i don't think anyone can ask any more of themselves.
2008 - i kicked all kinds of ass this year, if i do say so myself...   ;-D

16-How many things did you screw up in 2007?
2007 - i wouldn't say that i really screwed anything up, but there are definitely things i wish i'd had the strength and ability to handle in better ways.
2008 - little things certainly, but nothing worth regretting or spending time obsessing about.

17-Did you go to any amusement parks this year?
2007 - yes, with tom for my birthday. riding roller coasters with a hangover is a BAD idea! but we still had fun.   :-)
2008 - yes, i went with the wonderful ms. bean and learned that 1) prilosec is a good thing and 2) that it's not fair to combat the excellent effects of prilosec with cotton candy and icees and still expect it to work. tom and i also went to knott's with sid & rachel for halloween and had a really good time.  :-D

18-Did you go to a concert?
2007 - a couple and they were incredible!
2008 - ditto. especially memorable was going to see the kooks with my bro tony... that was a truly great time.

19-Did you go to any parties?
2007 - a couple... it wasn't much of a year for partying.
2008 - yes, a couple of GREAT ones!! my own birthday was lots of fun but i have to give huge kudos to m&m for throwing the best halloween party EVER and to bean and marcello for the most amazing prom!!  :-D

20-Did you go on a summer vacation?
2007 - i went to burningman... not sure if that can be considered a summer vacation.
2008 - yes, kind of... skipped burningman this year for a wonderful goddess campout in the woods of oregon.  :)

21-Did you lie to your mom?
2007 - it would be tough to do since i don't speak to her at all.
2008 - nope, and i did actually email with her briefly this year. i might as well lie to her since telling the truth hasn't ever done any good.

22-Did you get into a fight?
2007 - not physically, but definitely the most heartbreaking i've ever been in.  :(
2008 - no physical fights, and i'm happy to say that the rate/intensity of any other kind of fights went down dramatically.

23-Did you leave the country?
2007 - no.
2008 - nope

24-Did you have a good birthday?
2007 - it was bitter sweet, and high octane.
2008 - i had a fantastic month of birthday celebrations with wonderful family and friends.  :-)

25-Did anyone in your family get married?
2007 - nope.
2008 - no, but someone in my family got engaged! congratulations shawn and lina!! 

26-Do you think you grew?
2007 - like, in inches? no. but in every other way, without a doubt.
2008 - i know i did! this year i grew a spine. 

27-Did you dye your hair?
2007 - regularly.
2008 - typically either too much or not enough.

28-Who do you think you were on the phone with the most?
2007 - not sure... it's a tossup between a few different people.
2008 - dunno... i'm not much of a phone person.

29-Did anyone sing to you?
2007 - yes, it was hilarious and heartwarming.   :)
2008 - yes, tom came up to sing with/to me at karaoke. it was awesome.  :)

30-Did you sing to anyone?
2007 - YES! and strangely enough, it was greatly appreciated.   :-D
2008 - yeah, i think i finally got over my fear of karaoke, for better or worse... ;-p

31-Did anyone tell you they loved you?
2007 - yes, several people, and i value every time.
2008 - yes; i'm a really lucky girl.  :)

32-Did you ever go to the hospital?
2007 - not for myself; with tom and stephanie when they got a little broken.
2008 - yes, brought my brother tony in.

33-What did you drink and eat the most?
2007 - grape juice and cereal. i really shouldn't be left alone for long.   ;-p
2008 - LOL! same thing this year! which is why one of my new years resolutions involves actual cooking of actual food.  ;-p

34-Did you change your top friends at least 8 times?
2007 - yeah. stupid myspace. stupid 'top friends' section.
2008 - only a couple changes this year but they were happy ones. but i still think it's dumb and i'm not sure why i bother....

35-Did you change your profile over 10 times?
2007 - probably... it was a really weird and unsettled year.
2008 - maybe, but just out of boredom and an attempt to be creative.

36-Did you change your default at least 20 times?
2007 - maybe... probably.
2008 - dunno. don't care.

37-Did you get a tattoo?
2007 - yes! my brother gave me my first one. it turned a really sad occasion into something powerful and empowering.
2008 - yes! got my second one in october and it signifies the growth, joy and hope in my life since getting the first one.

38-Did you vote?
2007 - sorry, no.   :(   in my defense, i moved twice this year.
2008 - hell YES!! this was an incredibly exciting and hope-inducing year to vote.

39-Are you going to make a new years resolution?
2007 - i'm never terribly formal with my resolutions. maybe i should be though... there are a LOT of things i want to accomplish this year.
2008 - yes, i'm going to do it this year.

40-Did you stick to your new years resolution from last year?
2007 - since i'm not formal about it, it's hard to know for sure but i reached the vague one i think i had about changing my life.
2008 - i didn't formally write any down, but i did accomplish the big things on my mental list!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! i hope you all have a wonderful year ahead. 
December 9, 2008 - Tuesday 

Current mood:  blustery
I've been feeling for quite some time now like my photography is
stuck... it's pretty, but for the most part I haven't figured out how
to really express myself through it. I haven't figured out how to
capture much of anything except 'pretty', and I want more than that...
lots more!

My mom is an artist, and a pretty good one at that,
but I always thought her work was too 'round'... like everything was
derived from bubbles, even when it was a subject that really deserved
some edge. And now here I am, and I think my work is coming out the
same way. I have so much to say, and a lot of it isn't pretty, but I
haven't found a way to say any of it. It gets stuck in my mouth, or
avoided entirely.

I would really
like input on this, if anyone has any. How do you break down that wall?
Have you found a way to funnel emotion into something creative and, if
so, how?


October 25, 2008 - Saturday 

Current mood:  disgusted
Category: News and Politics
Have you ever heard a recording of a radio DJ who prank called a woman at the request of the woman's husband? The DJ posed as the husband's boss and broke the 'news' that the husband had been fired for being caught screwing around with his secretary. The angry wife started screaming and yelling about what a no-good bastard he was, then ended her rant with "now I don't feel bad for sleeping with his brother!!"   That's when the DJ broke in and admitted it was all a joke but of course the damage was already done when the cheating wife unwittingly nailed her own ass to the wall.

It's not unlike this story which also confirms my belief that it's always better to let the bad guy shoot himself in the foot rather than try to do it yourself. They always do, eventually, and you get to keep your hands clean.
September 25, 2008 - Thursday 

Current mood:  animated
Hosted By: darcy
When: Thursday Sep 25, 2008
at 3:00 PM
Where R15 & Old Ironsides
15th and R streets & 10th and S streets
Sacramento, California|5 95814
United States
Description:
darcy

Click Here To View Event
September 24, 2008 - Wednesday 

Current mood:  grateful

we don't know exactly when we lost him, just that we did, and that the 23rd is the best guess out there. so there you go...

i'm ok. others are having a harder time of it, so i send my love through the ether to their sad, grieving hearts. it's not that i don't miss him... oh, how i miss him! it's just that, i got to say goodbye for months before he slipped through our collective grasp. i'll never understand how or why that happened; but i knew, deep in my soul. what was i supposed to do with information like that? i tried to assume i was just being a worrier... being morbid, pessimistic. but the truth is, i knew. and i wonder sometimes if, on some level, he knew too.

it was his birthday... february of '07, out back on the patio at Streets. he was ecstatic and damn near glowing; very drunk, and very high. he looked me in the eye and said, very soberly considering the circumstances, that he was 'good with the universe'. he'd made his peace, and whatever came after that point was ok by him. that's when i knew. there was a clarity in his eyes and in his statement that defies description. it was all i could do to keep from bursting into tears. somehow, i managed to corral them till i found some solitude later that night. how do you tell someone you know they're not long for the world?? you don't, that's how. you live with it as the deepest, most painful secret you'll ever know. and you make the most of every. single. moment.

so that's what i did. even before, there was never enough time with him... who ever had their fill of his incredible energy? i made a concious effort to capture all the minutae into a sacred album in my mind... a memory book of sorts: a snapshot of his face from every angle, a recording of his voice in every timbre and range of emotion. i did my best to draw from him his stories, memories, advice, his sage (at 36!) theories on life, death, love and spirituality. it was enormous wealth and i've hoarded it ever since.

i told him over and over and over, through tears and laughter, words and smoke signals, looks and bearhugs, that i loved him deeply and without condition. he proved to me over and over and over, in myriad ways, that he loved me too, without condition.

our last hours together were spent on the dusty playa. we'd made a date and managed to keep it, and it was glorious. it was the perfect goodbye, if there ever was such a thing.

i miss crawling onto his lap, wrapping my arms as far around his dear bulk as i could, and kissing the top of his shiny bald head. i miss the acts of physically seeing him and hearing him. but as for him, himself... he is with me. i have that memory book in my head and i pore over it any time i like. the tape of his voice loops itself in my mind as often as i desire and i am comforted. i stretch my arms out wide under the night sky, look up at the stars, and there he is.

 

September 20, 2008 - Saturday 

Current mood:  pretty
Category: Art and Photography
as a birthday present to myself, i sat for three hours straight last night and had needles punched into my skin hundreds of thousands of times. the results are phenomenal!!

i'm so amped up right now! it's 7:30 on saturday morning and i just couldn't sleep any more, even though i didn't get to bed till around 1:00 last night. it's really amazing to me the kind of effects the pain of a tattoo has. honestly, it hardly hurt at all... the first 15 minutes were tough, and then the last 45 minutes started to wear me down a little, but the other two hours were a breeze. i think i was just too excited by how great the piece was looking to bother feeling any pain!

anyway, i now have TWO great artists to recommend to you if you're having work done: my awesome little bro, Tony Espinoza over at Bonehead on 24th street (go see him for great traditional style) and Matt Marsango at Sideshow Studios on Freeport (for non-traditional awesomeness). they are great guys who honor their art and will take you and your work very seriously. 
September 13, 2008 - Saturday 

Current mood:  disgusted
Category: News and Politics
I don't care anymore who I might offend with this opinion: McCain's choice of running mate is a huge slap in the face to feminism and deeply offensive to thinking women everywhere. It tells me that what I sense daily is true: equality between men and women has come a long, long way, but it has a lot farther to go in order to finally do away with the deeply rooted misogynistic patriarchy still going strong in the seats of power in our country.

I usually don't talk politics... I don't like conflict and I feel like the choice of who to vote for is a highly personal one. BUT, this election season is stirring my blood in a big way, as I'm sure it is for most of you. I copied this article from a blog that Linda posted, as it voices my own opinion far better than I could myself:
 
 
http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/opinion/la-oe-steinem4-2008sep04,0,1290251.story
From the Los Angeles Times

Opinion

Palin: wrong woman, wrong message

Sarah Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Hillary Clinton. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.
By Gloria Steinem

September 4, 2008

Here's the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing -- the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party -- are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women -- and to many men too -- who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote. We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the "white-male-only" sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million votes.

But here is even better news: It won't work. This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie.

Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that Barack Obama's still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs."

This is not to beat up on Palin. I defend her right to be wrong, even on issues that matter most to me. I regret that people say she can't do the job because she has children in need of care, especially if they wouldn't say the same about a father. I get no pleasure from imagining her in the spotlight on national and foreign policy issues about which she has zero background, with one month to learn to compete with Sen. Joe Biden's 37 years' experience.

Palin has been honest about what she doesn't know. When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, "I still can't answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?" When asked about Iraq, she said, "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."

She was elected governor largely because the incumbent was unpopular, and she's won over Alaskans mostly by using unprecedented oil wealth to give a $1,200 rebate to every resident. Now she is being praised by McCain's campaign as a tax cutter, despite the fact that Alaska has no state income or sales tax. Perhaps McCain has opposed affirmative action for so long that he doesn't know it's about inviting more people to meet standards, not lowering them. Or perhaps McCain is following the Bush administration habit, as in the Justice Department, of putting a job candidate's views on "God, guns and gays" ahead of competence. The difference is that McCain is filling a job one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency.

So let's be clear: The culprit is John McCain. He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can't tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues; the same ones who nixed anyone who is now or ever has been a supporter of reproductive freedom. If that were not the case, McCain could have chosen a woman who knows what a vice president does and who has thought about Iraq; someone like Texas Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison or Sen. Olympia Snowe of Maine. McCain could have taken a baby step away from right-wing patriarchs who determine his actions, right down to opposing the Violence Against Women Act.

Palin's value to those patriarchs is clear: She opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. She believes that creationism should be taught in public schools but disbelieves global warming; she opposes gun control but supports government control of women's wombs; she opposes stem cell research but approves "abstinence-only" programs, which increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions; she tried to use taxpayers' millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn't spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation; she runs with a candidate who opposes the Fair Pay Act but supports $500 million in subsidies for a natural gas pipeline across Alaska; she supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, though even McCain has opted for the lesser evil of offshore drilling. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

I don't doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Assn., she doesn't just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.

So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, "women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership," so he may be voting for Palin's husband.

Being a hope-a-holic, however, I can see two long-term bipartisan gains from this contest.

Republicans may learn they can't appeal to right-wing patriarchs and most women at the same time. A loss in November could cause the centrist majority of Republicans to take back their party, which was the first to support the Equal Rights Amendment and should be the last to want to invite government into the wombs of women.

And American women, who suffer more because of having two full-time jobs than from any other single injustice, finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can't be equal outside the home until men are equal in it. Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children.

This could be huge.

Gloria Steinem is an author, feminist organizer and co-founder of the Women's Media Center. She supported Hillary Clinton and is now supporting Barack Obama.
August 26, 2008 - Tuesday 

Current mood:  awake

burningman and college classes both started yesterday and since i can't be at the one, i'm really glad i have the other!

there's no doubt in my mind that visiting the man this year was NOT an option. i feel good about making the responsible choice to not go, knowing that i simply don't have any of the resources needed. still, i do feel twitchy. i've only gone the last two years, but apparently that's enough for it to be in my blood. i feel it calling to me, whispering sweet, dusty nothings into my vexingly clean ears ... i feel physically drawn from some point in the middle of my chest and a buzzing frustration at finding myself firmly rooted in sacramento. i can't help wondering what i'm missing...

just sayin.

then again, there are lots of good things to be missed if i WAS there! tom and i headed up to portland with our dear M&Ms and had a wonderful time. being in the woods with lots of good women was just what i needed to recharge, regroup, and get ready for all i'm taking on this fall and winter. starting school yesterday was thrilling... it's been years since i've been on campus and it felt totally invigorating to be there. the air is so full of potential and i want to soak it all up. being there with tom was an extra treat... i don't know what it is about seeing your significant other in a different surrounding that makes them seem just that much more alluring and exciting, but i know seeing him from across the quad made me catch my breath. and i love that we're learning together.

so that's me right now.... impatient, twitchy, enthusiastic, and did i mention impatient? burningman or no, this is already shaping up to be a very, very good season ahead.