Hey Myspacers,

Great news! Stella is going on tour! Come see us now because this could be our last time touring together! Why? Spite.

Nov 30: PHILADELPHIA - Keswick Theater
Dec 2: WASHINGTON DC - Sixth & I Historic Synagogue
Dec 4: MINNEAPOLIS - First Avenue (tickets not yet on sale)
Dec 5: CHICAGO - The Vic
*NEW* Dec 6: ANN ARBOR - The Blind Pig
Dec 7: CLEVELAND - House of Blues
Dec 9: NEW YORK - Nokia Theater
Dec 10: NEW YORK - Nokia Theater
Dec 11: BOSTON - Wilbur Theater
Dec 12: SAN FRANCISCO - UC Berkeley
Dec 13: LOS ANGELES - Orpheum Theatre

My friend Michael Showalter and I will be taping a portion of our new television show "Michael and Michael Have Issues" next week. If you'd like to be a part of the show, here is the information:

Micheal Ian Black and Micheal Showalter
will be filming their new pilot for Comedy Central
"Michael and Michael Have Issues"
on August 8th at AMV Studios
on 57th Street in Manhattan

Come and be a part of their exclusive audience!
SEE IT LIVE!

To attend this exclusive MICHAEL AND MICHAELL HAVE ISSUES show on FRIDAY,
AUGUST 8th, YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE BETWEEN 7:45PM and 10:30PM (YOU MUST
ARRIVE FOR THE TAPING NO LATER THAN 7:20PM.) YOU MUST LIVE IN THE TRI-STATE
AREA (NY,NJ, CT) TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR TICKETS OR BE IN NYC DURING THE TAPING
WEEK. TICKETS ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

If you are interested in being part of this MICHAEL AND MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
SHOW, please email us at michaelandmichael@broadwayvideo.com with the
following information in both the subject line and body of your email:

1.M&M/Your full name
2. Your email address (one which will not "spam" out our reply to you and
one which you check frequently.)
PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDER JUST IN CASE!
3. Your phone number(s)
4. 2 tickets is the maximum number we can allow per request.
(SINCE THIS IS A LIVE EVENT WE EXPECT THAT IF YOU ASK FOR TICKETS YOU WILL
BE USING THEM. Thanks)
6. Do you consider yourself a big Michael and Michael fan -- tell us in one
quick sentence why we should pick you.)

Example: M&M/ joan rivers/ facelifer@aol.com /(212) 555-1212 /2 tickets/old
enough to be their grandmother but love their comedy and I know they would
apprciate my surgeries...

We will contact you via email with a detailed ticket confirmation if there
are tickets available. You should hear from us within a day of your request
but at latest by THURSDAY August 7th 2008 by 2PM. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL US
DUPLICATE REQUESTS, THIS IS CONFUSING FOR US AND WON'T HELP YOU GET TICKETS.

PLEASE NOTE, AS THIS IS A LIVE EVENT, DON'T ASK FOR TICKETS TO THE SHOW IF
YOU DON'T INTEND TO USE THEM. YOU WILL BE DEPRIVING OTHER FANS OF THE
ABILITY TO BE PART OF THIS EXCITING NIGHT WITH MICHAEL AND MICHAEL AND THEIR
ISSUES. We will be forced to remove you from our list of free television
events if you are confirmed for tickets and do not attend. Thanks for
understanding.

Michael and Micheal can't wait to explore their issues in front of a live
audience.

EMAIL ~ michaelandmichael@broadwayvideo.com

Yes, it's a mouthful, but that is my new name. Why? Because in two weeks time I will officially join Bob Woodward and Tori Spelling as a New York Times Best-Selling author. The call came today when I was working with my friend Michael Showalter on a sketch about the word "cunt." In other words, sometimes life imitates art.

On August 3rd, when the best-seller list becomes official, my new book "My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face)" will be at number seventeen, which is a terrible number to be. Why? Because the cut-off for the list that they actually print in the newspaper is either fifteen or sixteen. But never seventeen. So I am not going to be in the actual newspaper, but rather I have been ghettoized to the "expanded list," which is still the best-seller list but does not have the prestigious sheen of the printed version. In poker terms, I am the "bubble boy." In early John Travolta film terms, I am the "Boy In The Bubble" boy.

Therefore, I have a new goal. TO MAKE THE TOP FIFTEEN!!! To accomplish this, I am going to need your help. How can you help? By buying my fucking book. I have practically been on my hands and knees begging for your support, and while some of you heard my clarion call, still others (and I know who you are) have dithered, perhaps thinking to yourself, "I don't have enough money to eat AND buy the book." Bullshit. Let me ask you a question: how long does a good meal fill your belly? A few hours, perhaps. How long does a good book fill your brain? For a lifetime, motherfuckers! For a motherfucking lifetime.

When you don't feed your brain, what happens? You turn into a zombie. And I think we can all agree that we have enough problems with zombies as it is.

Now look, I wouldn't tell you to buy the book if it weren't fantastic, but it is. I know how tough times are out there, (Obviously since I'm a celebrity I don't really know, but when I was getting my make-up put on for one of my many television appearances I heard somebody talking about it and it almost made me upset.) but when times are tough, laughter is the sweetest medicine. And cash. Actually, I would put cash ahead of laughter, but laughter is a close second. I might also put a strong support system ahead of laughter, which would knock laughter down to third, but again, I think it's a close third. Just buy the fucking book.

Sincerely,
New York Times Best-Selling Author Michael Ian Black (Very Famous)

One week from today my new book hits the stores. On that day, July 15th, somebody is going to crying boo-hoo-hoo home to his mommy. That person is David Sedaris. Together we are going to destroy him.

What happens when you combine "Sedaris" and "destruction?" You get "seduction." That's why today marks the official beginning of the Countdown to Seduction!

Events are being planned all over the world. In Geneva, they are having a cuckoo clock eating contest, in which the world's fastest will gather to see who can the most cuckoo clocks. The catch? Each "cuckoo bird" will be a small replica of Frenchy McStink, the nom de guerre of Mr. David Sedaris.

In the North Korean capital Pyonyang, President Kim Jong-il is celebrating by declaring David Sedaris an "Enemy of the Revolution," whereas I will be given the honorific "Supreme Commander of Culture and Part-Time Disc Jockey."

The Vatican will be holding a special mass to commemorate the Countdown to Seduction, and the pontiff himself will read aloud my essay, "Why I Used A Day-Glo Marker to Color My Dick Yellow." He will read it both in English and the original Latin.

Wembley Stadium in London will be rocking as Bob Geldof and dozens of rocker friends gather to raise money for David Sedaris' pity party, which he will be holding for himself in his little French cold water flat with his boyfriend Hugh and a stale baguette.

Aboard the International Space Station, a David Sedaris effigy will be launched towards the sun, along with a gift bag containing his collected works. Simultaneously, a UFO will land on the White House lawn and present President Bush with a copy of my book, the secret to interstellar space travel, AND a coupon for one free back rub.

Ten thousand children from every country in Africa will gather at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro to sing a hymn I've written called, "David Sedaris is Too Out of Shape to Climb Mount Kilimanjaro."


Several surprise guests will rise from the dead in a way that isn't spooky at all. They will tell us all about mysteries of the Great Beyond AND host a barbecue featuring country duo Brooks and Dunn. Door prizes will include – you guessed it – copies of my book.

Finally, a procession of mermaids (topless) will escort three lucky winners to the legendary lost city of Atlantis, where the Blue Man Group will perform a free show. This will have nothing to do with my book, but will be awesome, especially if you've never seen the Blue Man Group before.

Let the Countdown to Seduction BEGIN!

Friends,

We are only days away from the publication of my first book, "My Custom Van (And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face)." Is the book good? Stephen Colbert, THE Stephen Colbert said of it, "Michael Ian Black proves that even the most simple-minded among us can occasionally create works of genius." If that's not a ringing endorsement, I don't know what is. Sure, he basically called me retarded but he also said the book was genius. So there you go. How can you get the book before everybody else? Simple. All you have to do is click here and you will have it the moment, the very instant it hits stores.

Why am I making this exclusive offer to you? Because I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being. And also because for every copy of the book sold, I am going to donate five thousand dollars to orphans. Wow. So by buying this book not only will you be getting 51 essays with titles like, "How to Approach the Sensitive Question - Anal?" but you will also be putting five thousand bucks in the pocket of an orphan.

Let's make some orphans rich... together.

In my desperate big to dismantle that mo-fo David Sedaris's lock on all things "best-selling," I am putting out the word to all my web pals: help me.

If you have any suggestions about how to get the word out about my new book, "My Custom Van," let me know. Maybe you host a popular blog and would like an interview. I can do that. Maybe you pilot a skywriting airplane and want to volunteer your services. Super. Maybe you are one of the Presidential candidates and want to plug the title of my book into your stump speech. That's a great idea. Or maybe you just want to ring the doorbells of strangers to spread the good news like a Jehovah's Witness.

I could come up with suggestions all day, but that would take the fun out of it for you. So join me. Together, we can defeat David Sedaris and send him packing back to his glittering life in Paris, France.

P.S. Why does David Sedaris hate America?

While perusing the Amazon sales rankings of my book, which I do occasionally (every fifteen minutes), I noticed that I am currently outselling David Sedaris's 1994 book "Barrel Fever" in the Humor Section. Here is proof . (By the time you click on this link, it may no longer be true, but you will have to take my word that it once was.) Of course he has about ten other books on that list that are currently outselling mine, including his current book which is actually one of the top-selling books on the entire site, but I would like to make the point that mine is the only one of those books that HAS YET TO BE PUBLISHED!!! Which is to say, my YET TO BE PUBLISHED book is outselling one of David Sedaris's already published books. Impressive? Oh yes. Further, mine is the only one which has an essay entitled "Hey David Sedaris, Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Suck It," which is kind of like bending matter back on itself. Additionally, alone among our books, mine is the only one with a blurb from David's sister Amy. Why is it that I love Amy Sedaris more than David Sedaris? David Sedaris, you are a bad brother.

Am I attempting to start a literary feud with David Sedaris with the feeble hope that the resultant publicity will increase sales of my book? Yes.

I'm pleased to announce the dates for my upcoming book tour.

The book is called "My Custom Van (and 50 other mind-blowing essays that will blow your mind all over your face)." It comes out July 15th, and I am going on a little book tour to promote the shit out of it.

If you're wondering whether or not it's any good, Stephen Colbert says, "Michael Ian Black has proven that even the most simple-minded among us can occasionally create works of genius."

Pre-order the book on Amazon here.

Here are the dates:

BOOK TOUR for "My Custom Van"

July 15th | Barnes & Noble/Tribeca, New York, NY - 7:00 pm
July 16th | Bryant Park event, New York, NY - 12:00pm
July 18th | RJ Julia, Madison, CT - 7:00pm
July 19th | Borders, Boston, MA - 2:00pm
July 21st | Books-A-Million, Chicago, IL - 12:00pm
July 22nd | Third Place Books, Seattle, WA - 7:00pm
July 23rd | Book Passage, San Francisco, CA - 7:00pm

This will finally be the perfect opportunity for us to meet and kiss.

Before I get to "Iron Man," I have a question concerning the Hulk. I can accept that Bruce Banner, because of an overdose of gamma radiation, grows to gigantic, some would say hulkish proportions, when his body chemistry or adrenaline or whatever it is that activates his hulkdom kicks in. But what I can't understand is why his pants also grow when he grows. What kind of pants are these? The only thing I can think of is that they are some sort of lycra blend like you might find at Capezio dance stores or some sort of special stretchy pants like you might find at Wal-Mart. But I don't feel like Bruce Banner is the kind of guy who shops at either Capezio or Wal-Mart. Plus, even if they are lycra/stretchy pants, that still doesn't explain the belt. How does his belt grow in proportion to the rest of his body? And how do his pants and belt repair themselves when he returns to his normal self? Any information on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

As for "Iron Man," I went in with low expectations because I don't usually enjoy superhero movies because of the logic problems. See: above inquiry about the Hulk. However, I enjoyed the last "Batman" because I enjoy "creation mythology," and I enjoyed "Iron Man" for the same reason. I like to understand why things are the way they are – this may be because I am all Jewy and that's what Jews do. Like Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark is an eccentric, playboy millionaire who runs an international conglomerate. Unlike Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark sports Color Me Badd facial hair. I wanted him to break out into highly choreographed dance moves throughout the film, but was disappointed at every turn. The only time he dances at all is briefly with Pepper Potts (portrayed by Mrs. Chris Martin), and the dancing was, at best, lackluster.

Now I know that Iron Man should not be judged on dance alone. But come on – there should be at least be SOME fresh Timberlakean dance moves in a film of this length. In India, they're always breaking into song and dance, which begs the question: why does Iron Man hate Hindus?

Like I said, though, I enjoyed the movie. Some highlights: I like that Tony Stark eats Burger King instead of McDonalds. When returning from captivity, the first thing he asks for is a cheeseburger. He's a billionaire, and could have any cheeseburger he wants. Plus he lives in California, which means he could even have In-N-Out burgers, but he chose Burger King. Why? Is it the flame broiling, which could be read as a subtle foreshadowing of the Iron Man suit he is about to build? Or is it that he just prefers the taste of Burger King? I don't know. This point is never explained in the movie. I'm assuming the director John Favreau will discuss it in his director's commentary on the DVD. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Another thing I liked about this movie: Gwyneth's hair. Whether it was up or down, disheveled or in a neat updo. She really worked those auburn locks. Corkscrew curls never looked better, and even though she's kind of flat, I'd still totally titty fuck her. Question: could I just titty fuck her hair? Is that even possible? I'm going to make a note to myself to investigate this further.

Why did John Favreau bother casting himself as Robert Downey Jr.'s limo driver? Was there nobody else who could stand behind Robert Downey Jr. when he played craps? Didn't he have enough on his plate without having to worry about creating a fully fleshed out character as complicated as the unnamed limo driver? That kind of bugged me. It's on thing if you're Alfred Hitchcock to give yourself a little cameo, but this was an actual part, albeit a lame, almost non-speaking part. Why did he feel the need to cast himself? I can think of lots of people who could have played that role, including literally ANYBODY.

Another question: it's one thing to design a suit like that in a couple months. But it's quite another thing to design all the machinery required to put the suit on. There were several dozen robots needed to get him dressed. How did he find the time to design all of them in addition to the suit? And if the robots are required to put the suit on, why is it so easy for him to take the suit off? At the end of the movie, when his power is drained, he says "I gotta get this thing off," and he just undoes the chin strap and his whole mask falls away. Why can't he just snap the chin strap on when he wants to get dressed up?

You might think this is nitpicking, but when you are considering becoming a superhero as I am, you need to have these kinds of questions answered.

All in all, as I said, it was a fine time at the movies and I would heartily recommend "Iron Man" for anybody who has yet to see it.

Friends and admirers have been asking me who I am supporting in the upcoming presidential elections. Normally I try to stay above the fray, but with so many politicians and celebrities choosing sides, I feel it would be cowardly for me to stay out of the mix. Therefore, I have decided to endorse one of the remaining presidential candidates.

When choosing which candidate to support, I asked myself the following question: which candidate would most benefit from my endorsement? The answer I came up with: all of them.

With the race so close, it seems to me that any celebrity endorsement, even mine, could tip the scales one or the other. Therefore, I am offering my celebrity endorsement to whichever candidate most wants it. Mike Huckabee, make me an offer. Ron Paul, I'm here for you. Maybe it's you, Hey Barack, let's make a deal.

But it's not a one way street, candidates. My commitment to you depends on your commitment to me:

• $50.00 will get you my endorsement and a flattering blog posting to appear on my website on the date of your choosing.

•$100.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a DVD copy of "Stella."

•$250.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a computer-designed "Official Celebrity Endorsement Certificate" to be personally signed by me or my assistant Karen.

•$500.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a personalized videotaped greeting from me featuring some of my patented "snarky" comments to be used at campaign events and rallies. (Young people will love this!!!)

•$1,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will host a "Build A Bear Workshop" party for campaign workers at the mall of your choice (all expenses to be paid by you).

•$2,500 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will spend a week on the campaign trail with you Chuck Norris style (all expenses to be paid by you).

•$5,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will use my (admittedly poor) computer skills to attempt to rig the voting machines in my home state of Connecticut.

•$10,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus one of my famous "one hour 'stress-buster' back massages."

•$25,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will give you David Schwimmer's personal email address. (Hint: it is not Ross@aol.com)

•$50,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus exclusive naming rights to any sports stadium I may construct in the future.

•$75,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus an additional DVD copy of "Stella," and unlimited use of my 2000 Volkswagen New Beetle for one month to use for all campaign appearances within a 50 mile radius of my house.

•$100,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (non-fatal).

•$103,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (fatal).

To the candidates: I cannot guarantee that my endorsement will mean did diddly-squat, but when you consider the relatively low cost of buying my support, wouldn't you rather have me on your side? Think about it and give me a call. I'm listed.


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