“Knock, knock.”

“…Who’s there…?”

“Angel of Death, here to kill your first born son.”

“Oh God, please no!”

“Yeah, you’re being punished for the crimes of your king.  Sorry, it’s nothing personal.”

“But we’re a poor family, we have nothing against the Jews!”

“Too bad.  Okay, where’s he at?”

“No!  Please, no!”

“…Hahahaha!  April fools!”

“…Hunh?...What?”

“Haha!  It’s just a joke!  You should have seen your face!  Don’t worry, your kids going to be fine.  It’s April fools day, go check your calendar.”

“Oh my God!  What a relief…”

“Haha, I bet!”

“You really had us going there.”

“Haha, yeah I know – but seriously, I’ll be back in a week, then your kids dead for real.”

That’s probably like the greatest April fools joke ever.  I’d have liked to have seen that one.

I was browsing some of the top headlines online tonight and the following caught my attention – “Special Olympics Launches Campaign to Ban Retard.”

What?  They can’t ban retards – they are their number one participant.

I didn’t even bother reading the rest of the article, because I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.

And you know what, this is exactly what is so sad and wrong about much of our society today.  We take important things founded in blood, sweat, sacrifice, and tradition and then commercialize and bastardize them until they are just a shallow shell of what they once were.  And it’s wrong.

Yes, the real Olympics are MUCH more exciting and entertaining than the lesser Special Olympics, but let’s not forget that one has the top athletes in all of the world competing in them, and the other has persons who may or may not be able to tie their own shoes.  And it’s not their fault, they are just not as good of athletes.

But does this mean that the Special Olympics needs to start banning retards and bringing in real athletes? No, it doesn’t.  There is still a time and a place for the Special Olympics.  The kids seem to like it, and it gives the parents one day of pride in a year full of disappointments.

So go ahead Special Olympics and ban the retards, but know this – by banning them, you yourselves are the retarded ones.

And all the puppy dogs, cardboard boxes, and ice cream in the world won’t bring back the smiles you will be stealing from those retarded kids mouths.

So please everyone join me and help fight to keep the retards in the Special Olympics.  Without them it just won’t be the same.

Sue me.

First off, it’s not in the Bible.  If you ever read the thing, then you’d know
that.

Second, WWII is over. We won.  The troops no longer need our extra beef to give them the strength to defeat the Nazi war machine.

But to prove that I’m not entirely sacrilegious/un-patriotic, I will donate my old pots and pans so that Jesus can continue to build his tanks and airplanes.

Oh wait, 50 years later we found out that the war department collected peoples pots and pans and just stuck them in giant warehouses instead of building military equipment with them. They just wanted people to feel like they were doing their part to win the war.

Kinda like how we found out God never said you can’t eat meat on Friday’s during Lent – FDR did.  And he was a cripple.

And you never listen to a cripple.

Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps was photographed
smoking pot.  Front page news
everyone.  Forget the poor economy, war,
and everything else.  Honestly, who
really gives a damn what he does.  He’s
an amazing athlete and didn’t kill anyone. 
Is pot the worst thing half of our athletes, religious leaders, and
politicians have done?  I don’t think
so.  Give the guy a break.

Anyways, what really caught my attention in this whole
fiasco was that Sheriff down there who wanted to turn around and press charges
against Phelps.  What the fuck was HE
smoking?  Shows just how much he knows
about the law.  You can’t arrest someone
for smoking pot on a college campus in the United States!  That’s a campus police issue, not a real
police issue.

Here’s a little lesson in law for our small town Sheriff
here…

Most colleges and universities in the United States don’t
recognize America as having any power over them.

It is an evil country run by Rush Limbaugh and the
descendants of Adolf Hitler, kept in power by a murderous military hell bent on
torturing and killing innocent civilians of faraway lands.

So any “laws” it tries forcing on the masses are thereby
illegal, and will not be followed.

These are, but are not limited to, any laws governing
underage drinking, sexual assault, or drug use. 
Yes, you may go to jail for quite some time when engaging in these
activities off campus, but on campus you will most likely get off scot free.

Why doesn’t the government do anything about this?

Because they know that whenever possible, one does not want
to rile up the gays and socialists.  That’s
just inviting some bad mojo that in the end nobody ever wants.

So they treat each school as if it were a foreign embassy,
complete with full diplomatic immunity, and let them police themselves.

What if, for example, he did get caught in the act of
smoking marijuana by campus police. 
Furthermore, what if he not only did that, but he gave an underage
freshman girl an entire bottle of vodka to drink, then anally raped her while
she choked to death on her own vomit.

Campus police would then issue him a summons to represent
himself during a peer review hearing. 
Where, after having the facts judged by members of the Greek community,
some of his peers, and a select group of faculty, they would determine his
punishment.

If they found him guilty of plagiarism he would probably get
kicked out of school.  But the drug use,
underage drinking, rape, and involuntary manslaughter charges would at the
maximum cause him to lose out on the good housing on campus next semester.

So he would be punished, the peer reviewers would feel
important, and the school wouldn’t have any unwanted crime statistics connected
to its name.  Everyone wins.

How this Sheriff is so clueless as to how this all works is
beyond me.  He just needs to learn to
stop sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.

Like, where did this all take place?  South Carolina?  His trying to get in on an on campus issue
would be like some Deputy from Alabama coming in and trying to tell him how to
run one of his Jew lawyer lynching’s.  It’s
just not done, it’s in poor taste, and it pisses a lot of people the fuck off.

Michael Phelps is a hero, and this Sheriff is a douche
bag.  End of story.

Am I the only person who feels completely insulted by the coverage of the current presidential inauguration?

Perhaps I was the only person who bought the whole line, “this election has absolutely nothing to do with race,” when, apparently, it had everything to do with race.

“Obama symbolizes the great success of all African-Americans in this country.”

Whoa!  He’s the President of the United States, not of the NAACP.  He represents everyone – black, white, asian, Hispanic, etc.  Was every other President a success for Caucasians?  If you become President you are a success as a human being, it has nothing to do with race.

And all of this disrespectful bullshit referencing how the inauguration is coming on the heels of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  Why don’t all of you racist fuck holes actually listen to some of the things that Dr. King said.  Because he preached oneness of the human race, not the obsession with the skin color of a president elect.  Perhaps Martin Luther King Jr. III missed that whole “I have a dream…” speech.  He should probably listen to that some day.

But the worst of it all is everyone who keeps calling this inauguration “historic” and “a triumph against the odds.”  Or the non-stop, constant, “I never thought I would live to see this day,” bullshit.

I mean, seriously?  Why is that, you racist assholes?  Is it because you think that the majority of American’s are racist?  Or is it that you think that African-American’s are somehow inferior to everyone else?

“Black people are so stupid, one of them actually becoming President is a miracle in the face of all genetic reason.”  For real, 75% of newspapers and TV networks in America?

No, to me this inauguration is no big deal because I’ve never believed that race ever affected ones intellect or what type of human being they were.

And the fact that apparently so many people believe otherwise and that there really is this gigantic difference between races really disturbs me.

Honestly, the only reason we haven’t had a Black President before Obama is that the only African-American’s to seriously run have been Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

Furthermore, is being elected President really such a great feat in this country anyways?  In recent history we’ve elected such complete and utter failures at life as Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and George Bush.  Shows what an accomplishment that is.

What this inauguration really shows me is how many stupid-can’t-think-for-themselves people we have in this country, and how very far we still have to go to finally abandon our obsession with race.

I also have a dream – that one day we will be able to elect a president without race be referenced in every fucking sentence about him.  Maybe the first Native American President can fix that – oh wait, no one has been waiting their whole life for that one, have they?  It’s just their land and all…

Imagine being the first person to have a parrot talk to them – that had to have been some scary shit.

The guy's all hanging out in his house eating some soup and the birds just sitting there and goes, "Psst, hey dude, give me some soup."

That guy had to have literally shit his pants.  There's no way he could have ever been prepared for that.

He probably thought the bird was magical, or the devil, or god or something.

I bet that bird could have gotten that guy to do whatever he wanted too.

He could have been all like, "Dude, get me a fifth of bourbon, ½ a pound of ganja, a parakeet, a jar of Vaseline, and one of those flaming gay ass cockatoo's – trust me, just do it, it'll be AWESOME!"

That bird didn't know how good he had it.

Because now when a bird tells you to do something you're like, "Shut up you stupid bird," and put a blanket over it's cage.

Imagine if Jesus came back to Earth as a Chimpanzee and we didn't know it and he got sent to some animal testing facility.

Then during the experiments he died.

Boy we'd feel like a bunch of douche's then!

"Good news – we found out that this particular shampoo is fatal to humans.  Bad news – Jesus the monkey is dead."

I've decide that I'm going to vote Republican in the 2008 Presidential election.

To be perfectly honest, I was really up in the air on who I was going to vote for.  But after watching Sarah Palin's Vice Presidential acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention I finally made up my mind.

Never before in the history of politics have I ever seen anything as truly spectacular as I did on that night.

I mean, what can you even say after witnessing that?  Impressive?  Amazing?  Inspirational?  Completely and utterly breathtaking?

Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter Bristol has got to have the biggest titties that I've ever seen in my entire life!

I hope to God that you saw those things.  They're freakin' MASSIVE!

And to think that people are actually talking about her pregnancy like it's a bad thing.

Let me tell you this, her pregnancy was the single greatest thing to ever happen to the Republican party – and this country.  Because her already large breasts just got even larger.

And anyone who wishes to say something negative about this turn of events is a tree humping liberal communist who needs to move back to Cuba.

All I've got to say is 8 more years of Bristol Palin's boobies in the national spot light!

U-S-A!!!  U-S-A!!!

Many people were impressed by Senator Barack Obama's recent speech concerning his spiritual advisor and long time friend Reverend Jeremiah Wright and his racially charged accusations against white America. 

But I wasn't.

You see, despite all of the flowery talk about racist grandmothers and back to Africa Black Panther barbershops, Senator Obama totally and completely failed to address the real issues that exist with Reverend Wright's preaching.  Namely the fact that what he said really wasn't all that offensive to begin with, it was just ridiculously inaccurate.

First off, the United States Government never invented AID's to kill African Americans – they invented it to kill homosexuals.

That's why they spread it in the gay bath houses of San Francisco, and through blood transfusions for man loving hemophiliacs.

Crack Cocaine was what the US Government created to kill black people.

Just like how the government took down all of the "no swimming" signs around storm drain collection ponds so that Puerto Ricans would get Hepatitis C.

Or how they invented too tight Levi's jeans and the 80's rock music that made them popular so as to lower the sperm count of millions of Russian males during the Cold War, thereby over time reducing the size of the Soviet military.

And years of US foreign policy acting as a precursor for the September 11^th terrorist attacks on America?

Everyone with half a brain already knows that three of Osama Bin Laden's favorite cousins work in marketing over at Halliburton, and were only trying to drum up some business in a suppressed peacetime economy.

So you know what Senator Obama?  Why don't you get your facts straight and give some speeches on the real issues at hand.

And if that fails, just rip into Reverend Wright for his racist comments like you did to Don Imus back when you were just 3 months into your campaign and not a heavily favored front runner.

"There's nobody on my staff who would still be working for me if they made a comment like that about anybody of any ethnic group. He didn't just cross the line, he fed into some of the worst stereotypes that my two young daughters are having to deal with today in America."

God damn Don Imus!  If nappy-haired ho's never suppressed his people then he ain't got no beef!  Can I get an Amen!?

So, let me get this straight.

The U.S. Supreme Court chooses to abstain from hearing hundreds of cases every year on the grounds that they're either too controversial, or the State courts already have them under control.

But when their Aide brought the latest list of cases and said, "Here is one dealing with the death penalty for child rapists.  Some states allow it, other don't – but no one likes a child rapist, so I'm guessing we're just going to let this one go and abstain from it for now.  And onto the next case…"

For some God unknown reason, at this precise moment, Justice Anthony Kennedy stands up and says, "Whoa, whoa!  'Death for child rapists'?  Who would want to go and do something ridiculous like that?  What's so wrong with raping kids?"

Then Justice Steven Breyer says, "'Vaginal reconstruction'?  Women pay thousands of dollars for this surgery every day, and these kids are getting it for free?  What are they complaining for?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's only rape," chimes in Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, "would someone tell these kids to finish growing a pair?  I would LOVE for someone to rape me.  Look how hideously ugly I am!  They should be grateful that they're getting some!"

"Exactly," continued Justice David Souter, "we need to teach these little kids to respect their elders.  When they turn 18 then they can tell their step-dad to stop violating their anus, but until then I firmly believe that 'children should be raped but not heard'."

So eight years of a Democrat in office gives us that rarity of rarities in a Liberal majority in the Supreme Court.

That Liberal majority then does the next to impossible and survives another eight years with a radical Republican leading the country, and the American people finally learn that a Liberal Supreme Court doesn't necessarily mean that school children will be forced to smoke pot, burn flags, and get daily abortions.

Awesome.

And now we find ourselves months away from a new Presidential election that could in all actuality see the appointing of even more Supreme Court Justices. 

All we've got to do is keep playing it cool.

So what do the Liberal geniuses on the Supreme Court decide that it's a good idea to do at such a critical time in our history?  Throw it all away to save the lives of child rapists.

Brilliant.

Here's a note from the real world – the "evolving sense of decency in America" which these five Justices cited for making sure child rapists can't ever be executed, involves something a lot more along the lines of strangers kissing babies on their forehead, and a lot less with them ripping out their rectums with their erect penis.

So if you guys want to start all over again with this one and give us a new ruling that goes along more with how anyone with a heart, mind, or conscience would vote, that would be great…

I was eating a pizza yesterday and for some reason I was reading the box and saw, "made with 100% real cheese."

…Wait – there's fucking fake "cheese" out there?

What's it made out of?

I mean, Jesus Christ!  How come no one has ever told me about this fake cheese shit before?

If they feel the need to put a giant declaration of "made with 100% real cheese" on the fucking box, then that means they are trying their best to distinguish themselves from the pizza makers using fake cheese, and I don't like the reality that this conotates one bit.

Does the FDA know about this, because I always assumed that the cheese that I was eating was already 100% real cheese.

But now unless something says "100% real cheese" I'm going to start wondering if they're actually only using like 60% real cheese and 40% plastic cheese.

It honestly never ends.  Someone is always trying to pull something over on us.

But fake cheese?  Seriously?  When will it end.