This is the only message I've received on myspace in about 3 weeks. 

I'll take it!

Jermaine Dupri is SO wack...

"How wack is he?!"

Jermaine Dupri is so wack he writes diss tracks about himself.

And they really aren't very good.

50 Cent got his own Vitamin Water, Jermaine Dupri is so wack he got his own toilet bowl cleaner at the 99 cent store.

(laughing at own joke while holding hand over mouth all like "..kish.. ..kish.. ....kish....!)

Man, Jermaine Dupri so wack ya'll.  SO wack.

Man, Aries Spiers is here!  I see you big homie!  Aries used to do a Jermaine Dupri impression, but had to stop 'cause nobody ever heard of Jermaine Dupri!

To be fair, Aries just like Tracy Morgan if anyone ever thought Aries Spears was hilarious!

Sheeyit!

(..kish.. ..kish.. ....kish....!)

Yo dog!  I'm just playin' man!

Shee-yit.  Anyway...

From the joke notebook of Happy Days Comedian, Roger Webber:

My world got turned upside down when I realized that Leather and Pinky Tuscadero were sisters, and not two unrelated women that Fonzie was bedding in the garage.  Leather, the younger sister, was just being looked out for by the Fonz.  Yeah right!  You know how us guys are!

I would have figured that noted playboy Fonzie would have had no qualms about getting it on with both of them.  I remember moments when he'd walk into Al's arm in arm with twin sisters.  What was his problem with taking a spin on both Tuscadero's?

Leather must have been a...LEZ-BEE-FRIENDS!

Things sure were weird back in the 50's.

But seriously folks, can you imagine Fonzie trying to turn on an iPod by punching it?!  Am I right?!

This morning I was eating Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits in the car on the way to work.  Fumbling with the box, I dropped one into the plastic tumbler of Pabst I had in the cup holder and thought to myself,

"Jesus.  What kind of scumbag eats Triscuits for breakfast?"

So I had my ladyfriend pull into McDonald's for value meals I bought with a debit card.

That's when "Paradise City" came on the fm radio.

1.  Nothing says, "I'm a mediocre performer" like the name, "John Legend".

2.  If you say you signed up to be a cop so you could "help people", chances are you're Ethan Hawke's character in "Training Day".

3.  Viacom Dios

4.  Straight on gay sex is the new macho thing to do.  I read it in Men's Health.

5.  Thing I saw:  A giant white Hummer crashing into the tail end of the line for a Taco Bell drive-thru, causing a train wreck style crash as I was leaving the front end with a bag of my evil 1:30am goodies.  I saw several drunkards fleeing their automobiles.  Why Charles Shultz never put that description in a "Happiness is..." book, I don't know.

6.  You know those "designer impostors" colognes?  CVS carries one that says, "If you like Drakkar Noir, then you'll love "New York Nights".

I think if you like Drakkar Noir, then you shouldn't be allowed to wear cologne.

7.  I only smoke when I drink now.  All  day long.

Remember that shoe throwing thing, like, AGES ago?

Comedy.com was kind enough to axe me to speak on some shoes and be all fashiony about it.

Sweat it here:  The 5 Worst Shoes To Have Thrown At You

The only time women have called their husband their "hubby" past 1982 is when they're not real women.  The sure sign that there isn't actually a woman on the other end of a spam sex email or craigslist personal ad is something to the effect of, "My hubby says my ass is getting too big and won't want to fuck me for now but maybe you'd like to play while hubby is out of town on business?"

 The word "hubby" makes me kind of ill.  Like the thought of eating a warm tuna sandwich inside an adult bookstore.

1. Casino Royale

2. Hard Eight

3. Basquiat

4. Sid & Nancy

5. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

6. Leatherheads

7. Better Off Dead

8. The Last Boy Scout

9. Tango & Cash

10. Barfly (unknown availability)