as i sit here in my room so alone i just got off the phone with the most amazing person and we talked for about 30 min. im so confused and yet still so alone. we had the most amazing first date and i felt soooooo connected to him and i hate it. i really hate guys so much i know i am destin to be alone but i try so hard to not be, i don't know why i do this i always get shot down it never fails. as i sit here n think how much in the past i have tried to make things work all i can think about is how i fail. I don't want to be with anyone but i dont want to be alone i know i am rambling on but i dont know what else to do. i have no one to talk to really so i talk on here how lame is this lol. i just dont understand things i dont understand men i dont understand boys i dont play the game well enough i guess. im just so confused. and if you are reading this you are truly amazing and a great person but i dont know anymore, ill see you across the way and smile but it will be an empty smile a great a bis  but non the less a smile :-)

I am so appal​led that in this day an age we even have prop 8 on the ballo​t.​ I canno​t belie​ve that we can raise​ so much money​ for a right​ that shoul​dn'​t even be discu​ssed.​ i am no on prop 8 but i am so upset​ that the 2 sides​ cant come toget​her and raise​ 74 milli​on to prote​ct our human​ity.​ 74 milli​on will pay for almos​t 2,​500 stude​nts to go to a 4 year state​ colle​ge full time,​ 74 milli​on will pay for almos​t 28,​500 month​s of HIV/ AIDS MEDS,​ 74 milli​on will buy 211 homes​ at 350,​000 the high avera​ge price​ for homes​ in ca for low incom​e famil​ies/​homel​ess famil​ies,​ 74 milli​on will pay for 7,​400 famil​ies to have healt​h insur​ance for a year,​ hell 74 milli​on will give all Calif​ornia​ns 2 bucks​.​ Come on calif​ornia​ if we can rise 74 milli​on for a cause​ that shoul​dn'​t even be on a ballo​t that takes​ right​s away from a certa​in group​ of peopl​e imagi​ne what we could​ do if we put are heart​s into somet​hing good just imagi​ne the possi​bilit​ies of love,​ joy and hope that could​ come from the state​ i am so proud​ to call home


Thank​ all of you who voted​ for Equal​ity,​ Love and Justi​ce

So i sit here bored and sad and I've had a change of thought..... WHY the FUCK should i be sad about anything or depressed... I have awesome friends great parents(most of the time) lol so why the hell should i be sad that my love life and most of my other life is being restructured lol i started talking to an amazing guy i used to date i like him but ya ne ways i cant let life get me this down i cant let alex get me this down hes not worth it and i didnt loose he did i gained my soul back.... there is no reason to be so down so im having a change of thought I will love again i will be happy again my life will bounce back and i will be on top of the world and who cares is i never find love again atleast i will have me and me is the most important so the hell with all the losers in my life that bring me down and have hurt me im turning the page on you and writing a new chapter "the emancipation of stephen" lol ha so to hell with you your in my past and ive put the pen down on that chapter and i cant wait what life has in store for me god give me strength well im out of here enough ramblin going on ttul

sooo im sitting here like i always do.. on the job sites but there is like nothing. I have been unemployed forever i had to sell my car to live which worked for a while but supporting 2 ppl is hard so now im broke and i aint got a car anymore and to top it off i the guy i loved so deeply is gone too he has some new lil whore sorry but he is. I wish i could just go back to my ex even though we have problems i wouldnt be so alone.. i just feel so empty inside ive really fucked up this time... i honestly dont know how much more i can do it... i havent been eating alot ne more bc i cant afford it and i spend my food stamp money on my parents so they dont tell me anything i dunno i hate living where i do i am not welcome here when i go to my other friends house im not welcome there either so im homeless it sucks.. i just want to escape i want to get hi do all the drugs i can find i really dont care anymore... im jobless car less and no hope i have tired to get a job but i guess im retarded or something i cant seem to get on..........I wish i could turn back time and make everything better with alex but that wont ever happen so im here rambling on i dont know i need something better in my life but i dont know what and i dont know what to do ill prob end up in the crazy hospital but whatever...my life is a mess i wish god would strike me down i dont want to be here ne more.......................bye for now

Well Im here in this preputial circle we call life... like a hamster in a wheel... I have lost the love of my life and feel so empty inside. at times like this I wish there was a pill or a spell i could have to make things better. I honestly just want it all to stop, I'm so tired of not pleasing anyone in my life.. Im always just a big fuck up.. I am so smart but i have no direction and purpose in life.. I lost my compass a long time ago. The only thing i know what to do is cry and i cant its like i have no soul.... empty just so empty. my friends don't really care i just piss them all off... Im so in-debt with no path out.. I used to be so full of life and love and everything just went my way.. but as time has gone on i have lost so much so many people in my life so many key components to a happy life to a beautiful day. Every time i try to stand on something it just crumbles beneath me and i fall into a dark void hole.. I'm in a place in my life where the sun will never rise again.... it has set for the last time and darkness has come upon me like a cold winter night dark, cold, lonesome and empty, maybe as i walk though this dark part i will find a warm place to rest my head and take shelter. all i ask is for god to give me strength

look at my new pics im not in them but i went flying today yay

so i just got a new car after totaling my bmw and it got stolen while i was sleeping my friend took it without my permission and then he crashed it wtf right so beverly hills haytt called me to tell me that this guy was there and if i could pick him up but i filed a stolen car thingy and i had him arrested because like simone says u fuck with me u stuck with me haha well i hope i can get my car fixed soon im really sad i dunno when i can pick her up or ne thing well good luck to me ttul everyone

Why is it when you seem to have everything you are so alone.... why is it that everything looks so good from the out side but inside its barely stable.. I can only give or do so much as a person im spread so thin that i could break at any time.... why is is that nice guys finish last.. why are things as such... Life isnt that hard i only have one true goal in life and thats to die thats the path for us all but im sure ill mess that up too... why do people use people dont they know how it touches the other person.. life shouldnt be this hard...why is it that the world is so simple untill u add the human element.. why are people so cruel.... well these are my rambles for the moment...............

so "when it rains it poors" goes the old saying and boy its true its been a blah month this last one i met an amazing guy unnamed he was so great and caring and different oh and sexy as fucking hell.... i get a text saying "im seeing someone else dude... i am sorry" wtf is all i could think how manly of him right? to tell you the truth he called tonight and i fing miss him so much i would take him back in a second!! im back here in cali right now to visit with my grandma she was great on tuesday now she lays there barly alive i love her so much more then almost ne thing in the world and for me to see her like this is hard she looks like she is in alot of pain but they all tell me shes not... i dunno lifes funny sometimes it gives and sometimes it pulls the rug right from under you but its ok and she is one with god so she is ok ill just keep everything in my prayers