Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 26
Sign: Capricorn
City: SAN CARLOS
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 4/30/2005
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006
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Category: News and Politics
My Dear Friends,
This is just a friendly reminder to vote tomorrow! This is a very close and exciting race all over the country! This means MORE THAN EVER that EVERY VOTE MAKES A DIFFERENCE!! I know it is extremely discouraging when the candidate you voted for isn't elected or when a prop you really want to pass doesn't, but PLEASE REMEMBER how important it is to fight the good fight!
Attached is a list of not only the San Francisco Bay Guardian recommendations, but my personal ones (and Tai's) as well. (Some of these do not apply to us, but you get the general idea...) I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE STILL UNDECIDED ABOUT THESE CANDIDATES OR PROPS TO READ WHAT IS INCLUDED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE E-MAIL, AND/OR RESEARCH THESE YOURSELF! ( www.sfbayguardian.com is where all this information is from.) That way, you can make YOUR OWN desicion on what YOU think is right, not what some politician or TV ad says is right!
Thank you all so much for you time. Good luck, and let's make a difference!!
xoxo,
Mel
From the SFBG:
This race ought to be a lot closer than it is .. and the fact that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is well ahead in most polls speaks to the poor quality of news media coverage that has allowed the job of governor to be all about expensive campaign commercials and misleading sound bites. The Schwarzenegger camp is trying to smear Phil Angelides as a candidate who just wants to raise taxes, when the Democrat is actually one of the first statewide politicians in years to seriously talk about a more progressive financial policy for California.
Yeah, Angelides wants to raise taxes .. on people like himself and Schwarzenegger and others with millions of dollars in assets and incomes in the seven figures. He wants to bring a little bit of fairness to the way the state raises money. And he wants a stable revenue base that will pay for decent public education, public health, housing, environmental protection, and transportation programs. He's the only Democrat to run for governor in 25 years who actually talks like a Democrat.
The very wealthy, the big businesses, and the giant real estate interests aren't paying their fair share of the cost of running California. The individuals and corporations that have reaped tremendous rewards from the Bush tax cuts haven't given a dime of that back to this state. And while Schwarzenegger talks boldly about rebuilding California, somebody at some point is going to have to pay off those bonds .. and either that will come at the expense of education and other social priorities or taxes will have to go up.
Under Angelides..s plans, most middle-class Californians would actually get a tax cut: he has, properly, not only proposed higher levies on the very rich but also offered to reduce the burden on ordinary working people. But it's hard to put all of that in a 30-second sound bite.
Schwarzenegger has to go .. and it's important that Democrats, independents, and thinking Republicans help out in the huge, uphill battle to dump him. Work for Angelides, donate to Angelides, vote for Angelides.... It's a turning point for this state, and the stakes are very, very high.
Lieutenant governor
JOHN GARAMENDI
John Garamendi's been kicking around California politics since the 1970s. He's been in the State Assembly and Senate, ran three times for governor, and was the state's first elected insurance commissioner. After a stint as a deputy interior secretary under President Bill Clinton, he came back and was again elected California insurance commissioner in 2002. He claims he's created the best consumer protection agency in the country, and while that's a bit of an overstatement, he's done a decent job. He's never supported single-payer health insurance, but his views are, as they say, evolving .. he told us he thinks Medicare ought to be extended to everyone. Now .. perhaps seeing no other suitable office .. he's running for lieutenant governor. It's probably the end of the line for the 61-year-old rancher, and that's not a bad thing: the California Democratic Party needs some new faces in Sacramento.
Garamendi's known as a tough, law-and-order type who strongly supports the death penalty. He told us he would use the lieutenant governor's office as a bully pulpit for education, health care, and environmental reform .. but he wouldn't even talk about raising taxes. Still, for a centrist Central Valley Democrat, Garamendi's not all bad .. and he's way, way better than his opponent. The Republican candidate, Tom McClintock, is both a serious candidate and very bad news: he's way ahead of Garamendi in fundraising and has a hardcore conservative GOP base. McClintock supports parental notification for abortions (and opposes choice in general), supports the draconian property rights measure, Proposition 90, and is a die-hard supporter of tax cuts and a foe of most social programs.
Secretary of State
DEBRA BOWEN
Bruce McPherson, the Republican who got this job after Democrat Kevin Shelley resigned in scandal and disgrace, has been a fairly decent secretary of state. But with the national battle over voting technology, vote counting, and election theft ongoing, California needs an activist crusader in this job; we're strongly supporting Debra Bowen.
Bowen, a termed-out state senator, has gone after the manufacturers of voting machines, is demanding accuracy and reliability, and is openly saying that some of this technology is an invitation to fraud.
Controller
JOHN CHIANG
Our first choice for this job was Joe Dunn, a state senator and former consumer lawyer who led the legislature's investigation into the Enron scandal. But John Chiang, a member of the Board of Equalization, beat him in the Democratic primary, and we're willing to endorse him.
We're not entirely thrilled with Chiang's campaign though, which is emphasizing a crackdown on the underground economy. The idea is to recover tax dollars lost to illegal activities; he told us in the spring that he wants to go after unlicensed contractors, which seems less than a model progressive standard for solving the state's budget problems. Better he should go after the giant multibillion-dollar corporate tax cheats.
Still, his opponent, former Ventura County assemblymember Tony Strickland, is a supply-side tax cutter (and president of the California Club for Growth, which advocates less regulation and less government).
Treasurer
BILL LOCKYER
Bill Lockyer's a disappointment, mostly because he could have been so much more. Aggressive, bright, and ambitious, he could have been an attorney general who put his state office on the map, the way Eliot Spitzer did in New York .. and like Spitzer, he could have been a serious candidate for governor. Instead he was a mediocre AG, someone who did indeed go after Pacific Gas and Electric and Enron for bilking consumers during the energy crisis .. but who has never been a strong voice against white-collar crime, monopolies, and illegal trusts. In fact, Lockyer has done absolutely nothing to stop the worst anticompetitive merger of the past few years, the newspaper consolidation that will give Dean Singleton's MediaNews Group control of virtually every daily newspaper in the Bay Area.
He's way better than Republican Claude Parrish, so we'll endorse him. If he wants to move up in the future though, he'll have to do more with this office than he did with the last one.
Attorney General
JERRY BROWN
Hmm ... Governor Jerry Brown? Mayor Jerry Brown? Presidential candidate Jerry Brown? Talk-show host Jerry Brown? Which Jerry Brown is running for attorney general .. and what will he do when he gets there?
It's hard to say .. Brown is one of the most interesting and unpredictable politicians in the country. As a candidate for AG, he's talking about protecting a woman's right to choose and defending stem-cell research, aggressively taking on environmental crimes (something he's always been good on) .. and enforcing the death penalty, even though he doesn't believe in it. He reluctantly came around to supporting same-sex marriage during the primary. He hasn't said a word about the Bay Area newspaper merger.
But there really isn't much choice here: Brown's opponent, state senator Charles Poochigian of Fresno, is antichoice and progun, opposed Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's global warming proposals, and is one of the most right-wing candidates on the November ballot.
Insurance Commissioner
CRUZ BUSTAMANTE
Like a lot of politicians on the ballot this fall, Cruz Bustamante seems to be looking for a place to park for a few years while he figures out his next move.
And we don't see much reason for the insurance companies to be running in fear: Bustamante accepted more than $120,000 in industry money during the primary.
Still, he..s talking about forcing insurers to cut workers.. compensation rates when profits are soaring. He supported state senator Sheila Kuehl's single-payer health insurance bill (although he's not making that a big part of his campaign and there's no mention of single-payer on his Web site).
The Republican in this race, Silicon Valley entrepreneur Steve Poizner, is against insurance fraud (which means he's willing to help companies be even more aggressive in refusing to pay claims) and wants to get uninsured drivers off the road (but says nothing about the high cost of auto insurance).
Board of Equalization, District 1
BETTY YEE
Betty Yee, the incumbent, was appointed to this seat when Carole Migden (who never really wanted the job) was elected to the State Senate. It's a powerful post, overseeing local assessors.. offices and the taxation of utilities and some big businesses and generally setting day-to-day tax policy for the state. And Yee's been solid: unlike Migden, she seems happy to stick around for a while (and isn't just looking for higher office) and has been aggressive at collecting money from wealthy and powerful businesses.
Senate, District 8
LELAND YEE
There are plenty of reasons to be disappointed with Leland Yee, whose record in Sacramento is hardly distinguished and whose politics are hardly progressive. When we asked him this spring about the Ellis Act, the state law aimed at undermining rent control in cities like San Francisco, he admitted it was bad for tenants and that there's no logical policy rationale behind it. Then he said he wouldn't vote to repeal it.
And yet, Yee can surprise you. He's been strong on open government issues .. and he has no apparent loyalty to anyone else in local politics. He has, for example, endorsed Jaynry Mak for District 4 supervisor in a race where Mayor Newsom .. and all the downtown power and money .. is behind Doug Chan. That's his independent streak, and in a city still recovering from the stifling years of the Brown-Burton Machine, that's refreshing.
Assembly, District 12
BARRY HERMANSON
Sup. Fiona Ma, the Democratic candidate for this seat, has been on the wrong side of virtually every major issue that's come before the board. She's a big supporter of the Ellis Act, which is leading to the displacement of hundreds of tenants a year. She supports capital punishment. She's been a call-up vote for the mayor and the big downtown interests. We were sorry to see her win the primary over the far more qualified Janet Reilly.
We..re glad to see she still faces some opposition: Barry Hermanson, a small-business person and longtime community activist, is running on the Green Party ticket. Hermanson has a long and distinguished record in town. Among other things, he was the main sponsor of the city..s minimum-wage law and put thousands of dollars of his own money into passing it.
Hermanson emphasizes universal health care and renewable energy and would be a strong advocate for progressive issues in Sacramento. A weak and unimpressive Democrat shouldn't simply walk into this seat.
Assembly, District 13
MARK LENO
Mark Leno is a case against term limits. He's done a great job in Sacramento, has risen to a leadership position, has managed to pass some legislation that seemed impossible at the start, and has been a strong progressive on issues across the board. He's also heading for his last term.
He's immensely popular in his district. He's managed to make friends across the aisle in Sacramento (no simple feat these days) while staying true to his San Francisco principles. If legislators weren't limited to three assembly terms, he might someday have gone on to serve as the first openly gay assembly speaker.
We wish him well in his final two years.
Assembly, District 14
LONI HANCOCK
Loni Hancock is one of the assembly's leading advocates for single-payer health insurance. It's not likely to pass in the next two years .. and would have a better chance if people like Hancock could stick around long enough to build a real legislative constituency. But we give her credit for trying. She's also an outspoken advocate for abused women and a solid environmentalist.
Assembly, District 16
SANDRÉ SWANSON
Sandré Swanson emerged from a tough primary battle with Oakland City Attorney John Russo with what amounts to a lock on this seat. We supported Swanson then and we're happy to support him now: the former aide to Ron Dellums and Barbara Lee has the political experience to jump right into the job and the good old-fashioned progressive instincts to be a totally reliable vote. He's against the death penalty and new prison construction, and in favor of raising taxes on the rich and eliminating the Proposition 13 protection for commercial property owners.
Proposition 83
PENALTIES FOR SEX OFFENDERS
NO
This is one of the more cynical election-year moves we've seen in a while .. and we've seen a lot. Proposition 83 is supposed to be about tougher penalties for sex offenders; it's actually about attempting to embarrass Democrats in a close-fought November contest.
The legislation itself is really poor public policy. It would, among other things, ban any registered sex offender (and not all registered sex offenders are dangerous predators) from living within 2,000 feet of a park or school .. which would mean that nobody carrying that status could live anywhere in San Francisco (or most other dense urban areas). So all the sex offenders would be forced to live in rural regions, where there a fewer services, fewer nearby cops .. and more opportunities for further trouble. It would also require all registered sex offenders to wear GPS monitoring devices .. for life .. and would cost local and state government several hundred million dollars a year.
But this was never about policy. The GOP hoped that Democrats would oppose it and thus could be accused of being soft on the worst kind of criminals.
Proposition 84
CLEAN WATER, PARKS, AND COASTAL IMPROVEMENT
YES
With California..s population growing by half a million people a year and with images of Hurricane Katrina still fresh in voters' minds, supporters of Proposition 84 argue that the state needs to do all it can to preserve beaches, forests, rivers, and streams before they..re lost to sprawl .. while simultaneously investing more in improving levees and controlling floods. All of which adds up to a $5.4 billion proposal, making this measure one of the largest parks and water bonds in history.
The brainchild of the Nature Conservancy, California Audubon Society, Save the Redwoods League, Peninsula Open Space Trust, and Big Sur Land Trust, the wide-ranging proposition also has the support of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, the California Chamber of Commerce, the Silicon Valley Leadership Group, the NAACP, the League of Women Voters, and San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom.
Proposition 85
PARENTAL NOTIFICATION FOR ABORTIONS
NO, NO, NO
Proposition 85 would amend California's Constitution to require a doctor about to perform an abortion for a woman under the age of 18 to notify her parents or legal guardians within 48 hours, although emancipated minors and emergency cases would be exempt. Doctors who ignore this ruling would be subject to fines.
It..s a terrible, ugly proposal that quite literally will put the lives of thousands of young women at risk.
Sure, in a perfect world, pregnant teens should talk to their parents .. but often that..s just not possible or practical. Instead, with this law in effect, many kids will seek illegal, unsafe abortions, putting them at serious risk of life-threatening complications.
Coupled with the House..s recent decision to make it a federal crime to escort a minor across state lines for an abortion, Prop. 85 could bring California back to the dark ages of botched back-alley abortions. Planned Parenthood, the National Association for the Repeal of Abortion Laws (NARAL), and the League of Women Voters are all vehemently opposed.
Proposition 86
CIGARETTE TAX INCREASE
YES
Proposition 86 would impose a new, 13-cent tax on each cigarette distributed in the state of California. That..s about $2.60 a pack, up from the current 87 cents a pack. While the jump is sizable, it would generate revenues of more than $2 billion annually by the end of the decade.
The tax is uncomfortably regressive and lacks creativity: it..s yet another method of boosting state income without asking the rich to kick in anything. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention figures show that most wealthy people don..t smoke; tobacco taxes are paid disproportionately by the poor.
But the new dollars would set aside money for nonprofit community clinics and help young physicians pay off medical school loans in exchange for serving in low-income neighborhoods. The state legislative analyst predicts that up to $367 million would be available for children..s health coverage alone, while millions more would go toward smoking prevention. As it stands, taxpayers collectively spend millions treating the health effects of cigarettes.
Proposition 87
OIL COMPANY TAX
YES
Major oil-producing states like Alaska and Texas impose a drilling tax that brings in billions of dollars annually for state services. Yet oil producers in California pay only chump change through corporate income taxes and regulatory fees. Proposition 87 would force the oil dealers, who produce about 230 million barrels of oil across the state each year, to pay their fair share.
This tax could earn California as much as $4 billion beginning in 2007 to be spent on alternative-energy programs.
A well-funded oil industry ad blitz glosses over the actual language of the proposition, suggesting that it would punish consumers by raising gas prices and greatly overstating the possibility that Prop. 87 could negatively impact other state revenues. In an election mailer sent out in September, detractors altogether overlook a central issue in the oil-consumption debate that the proposition attempts to address: the ill health effects of pollution created by burning oil.
A full 58 percent of the revenues would go toward incentives for the purchase of alternative-fuel vehicles, incentives for producers to supply alternative fuels, and grants and loans for private research.
This is an excellent way to raise money for the state .. directly from oil company profits, not from consumers.
Proposition 88
PARCEL TAX FOR EDUCATION
YES
Proposition 88 would establish a $50 annual tax on most parcels of land in California to fund improvements in public education. Thanks in part to Proposition 13, the 1978 measure that prevented local government from raising property taxes, school spending in the state is abysmally low; this would add $470 million a year to K..12 school funding. It's not all the schools need, but it's a significant chunk of cash. And while parcel taxes aren't the most progressive way to raise money (that would be income taxes, with fair property taxes next in line), the program is better than sales tax increases and other regressive measures.
Proposition 89
PUBLIC FINANCING OF CAMPAIGNS
YES, YES, YES
Our dysfunctional political system and the shortsighted policies it creates won..t change until we have serious campaign finance reform. This measure would create the best of all possible campaign systems, similar to the ones now working well in Arizona and Maine. It creates a public finance system for those running for state legislature and constitutional offices, paid for by a 0.2 percent increase in the corporate tax rate, and lowers contribution limits to candidates who opt out of public financing. It also limits the political expenditures of lobbyists, unions, political action committees, and corporations while taking into account court rulings on political speech.
Proposition 90
EMINENT DOMAIN RESTRICTIONS
NO, NO, NO
Proposition 90 is by far the worst item on the November California ballot, a draconian measure that could potentially eliminate a wide range of government regulations .. from rent control and zoning to workplace safety and environmental laws .. and bankrupt local agencies that in any way try to limit what a property owner can do with land or buildings.
The catchphrase for Prop. 90 advocates is eminent domain. And yes, Prop. 90 would block state and local agencies from taking private land for private projects .. an appealing concept, in theory if not in practice. But what this really does is define anything that restricts the private use of property as "taking" and demands that the government pay compensation.
That means, for example, that any new San Francisco rent control laws or limits on condo conversions would be subject to challenge from landlords who could argue that the government has forced them to accept less than market value for their property .. and thus must reimburse them for the difference. That's billions of dollars a year; new tenant protections would be utterly out of the question.
The same goes for environmental laws, labor laws, safety laws .. a long, long list of regulations that we now take for granted as part of a stable society.
It could also be a huge roadblock to public power .. under Prop. 90, the Pacific Gas and Electric Co. would have a powerful tool to use against any city attempt to take over the local electrical grid.
What we're seeing here is without a doubt the worst assault on local government since Proposition 13 passed in 1978, and its long-term impact could make that tax-slashing measure look mild by comparison.
Prop. 90 is really scary. It's a 19th-century version of property rights run amok. It could lead to massive waves of evictions, environmental damage on a large scale, the end of health and safety rules (including, perhaps, requirements that buildings be accessible to disabled people) .. and huge profits for a few corporations and big landlords.
Proposition 1A
TRANSPORTATION FUNDING PROTECTION
NO
In general, we agree with the basic premise of this measure: fuel taxes should be used for transportation system projects (particularly mass transit and other alternatives to the automobile, although advocates of this measure focus on freeways). But to lock that basic rule of thumb into an unbreakable mandate would be disastrous to California during lean budget years. Social services, education, emergency services, and all critical government functions would face deep cuts during economic downturns simply so we could keep building roads unabated.
Proposition 1B
TRANSPORTATION BOND
NO
General obligation bonds seem almost like free money, but they really aren..t. This measure would raise nearly $20 billion and cost the state almost double that over the next 30 years. That might be fine if it were building a smart transportation system that considered global warming instead of pouring most of a huge chunk of money into freeways and roads. Just $4 billion of this goes to public transit. Bicycle and pedestrian improvements get nothing, and almost everything else goes to the facilitation of more cars on California roads (including wasteful boondoggles like a fourth bore in the Caldecott Tunnel).
Proposition 1C
HOUSING BOND
YES
California has a critical, unmet need for more affordable housing, particularly for low-income seniors, working families, military veterans, and those with disabilities. This $2.85 billion bond measure addresses that need, helping renters, those trying to buy a home, and battered women and children who need temporary shelter. Compared to the money the governor wants to spend on highways, it..s a pittance .. but it would have a significant impact on one of the state..s most pressing problems.
Proposition 1D
SCHOOL FACILITIES BOND
YES
This $10.4 billion investment in California schools is an investment in the future of the state. The measure allocates $7.3 billion for K..12 facilities and $3.1 billion for those in our colleges. We need at least that much just to get to adequate.
Proposition 1E
DISASTER PREPAREDNESS AND FLOOD PREVENTION BOND
YES
Before Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, officials knew the levees there weren..t strong enough to withstand a major storm surge. Similarly, officials with the Army Corps of Engineers and the state say the delta levees of Northern California will fail during a major sustained storm, endangering human life and billions of dollars in property. Beyond guarding against that happening, this $4.1 billion bond would also improve the state..s drinking water system and help prevent pollution of our streams and ocean.
Supreme Court and Courts of Appeal justices
CONFIRM ALL
California Supreme Court and Courts of Appeal judges have to face the voters immediately after they're appointed, then once every 12 years. That's a good thing. In the past, the radical right and big business interests have used the reconfirmation process to kick out judges they didn't like .. Rose Bird, for starters .. and that's a bad thing.
Rejecting judges ought to be a right reserved for the really bad cases. Nobody on the list this year meets that standard. SFBG
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
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Category: Music
I Will Follow You Into The Dark -- Death Cab for Cutie
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "no's" on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Okay, so I am not a HUGE fan of the band or the song itself, but these lyrics make me cry every time... I can relate so deeply to what they are talking about. Not the dying part, but the ultimate feeling of love and devotion. Okay, so I am truly hopeless. Kill me.
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Thursday, September 21, 2006
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Current mood:  depressed
Category: School, College, Greek
Chem is HARD. I don't know why I didn't realize that when I signed up for the damn class, but that shit is NOT easy. Do not let anyone tell you it is. And if you reading this like, "What, I took it in high school. That was hella easy," go fuckin' take it again. And if it's still easy for you, COME TUTOR ME, GOD DAMN IT!!
It's amazing how much time school takes up in general. I haven't had more than six hours of sleep a night on a week night in a month. My day consists of driving (it's about an hour commute to school), sitting in class, studying, driving, eating (when I have the time), working, and studying. Oh yeah, then I talk to my boyfriend on the phone for a bit, and by then, it's at least twelve-thirty, and I am so fuckin' tired I can't see straight. So I go to bed, wake up 5-6 hours later and do it all over again. So now, I am sitting at work, looking at mySpace for the first time in a while. I was browsing through my friends' pages, looking at their comments, looking at my boyfriend's page, you know... and I am realizing how much I am missing. I miss my friends. My own best friend I see once every two weeks or so. I miss my family (only sometimes). I miss my boyfriend. We practically lived together before school started! Now I am lucky if I can spend a weekend with him and I still feel guilty about not doing more studying. I don't watch TV anymore(not that I am lamenting that AT ALL, I am just saying...), so I have NO idea what the hell everyone is talking about as far as 'great' new shows I 'have to' see. I don't even watch or read the news! But, hey, I can properly balance a molecular or redox equation.  What the FUCK?! It is totally depressing! I feel like I am missing out on so much that is going on around me, and I am totally oblivious- sometimes totally alone.
There are some of you out there saying, "You are learning! You are enriching your life as a human being and you are going to be able to get a career!" or something to that effect. I understand that what I am doing is a good thing. I am glad (I think) to be back in school after FUCKING AROUND and doing nothing for a couple years. I just didn't think being a student again was going to be so hard emotionally. I am miserable when I am in school. I am stressed out, always thinking about my grade and everything I have to work on, research, and read. I am a BIG BALL OF NERVES. I find myself snapping at the people I love the most for no reason. (Okay, maybe my mother deserves it sometimes.) Ugh!
ANYWAY-- I guess all I am trying to say is this: Being a student (who is under pressure to get good grades) is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I am so sorry to those of you I have snapped at. I don't mean it.
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
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Current mood:  crushed
Category: Life
So I was driving into Redwood City to take a picture for work. I was on El Camino, some distance from a red stoplight. I happen to notice a little, 'ordinary' pigeon crossing the street in front of my car. This is odd, I am thinking, because pigeons usually fly at the first sight of cars. "Stupid bird!" I think, "You are gonna get hit!"
As I slow down and get closer (being careful not to run it over), I realize he is limping and dragging one of his wings on the ground. Immediately my heart softened. It looked so scared and was slowly waddling across the highway. I passed the bird slowly, trying not to scare it, (and since I was coming up to a red light, anyway) and saw that the next car was just a few feet behind me in the lane next to me (the same lane the pigeon is slowly limping across). I watched after the bird in my rear view mirror to make sure that car saw the bird, which it must have, and slowed to let it pass as well.
In almost slow motion, I saw the car crush the poor pigeon beneath it's tire, and send the crumpled body tumbling across the lane. It was truly nothing less than horrifying. "You fucking ass hole!" I yelled. Of course, no one noticed. I couldn't help but cry for that helpless animal. Maybe I am just feeling more vulnerable than usual today, and you can call me a 'wimp' or a 'bleeding heart' or 'stupid' or anything you want, but I am willing to BET if you were there, and if you saw it, you would be heart broken, too.
How can people be so mean and heartless?! This poor creature was struggling to survive! Anyone could see this bird was terrified and hurt! Why couldn't that dick just stop for thirty seconds (sepecially since he was coming up to a RED LIGHT, ANYWAY?!) to let this mamed pigeon pass safely? I guess I will never know. My day is ruined.
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Friday, December 30, 2005
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Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Life
Thank God 2005 is almost over!
For some reason, this year seems deeply unsatisfying in every category other than relationships. I have accomplished nothing, gone nowhere, and done even less. Well, I guess in the grand scheme of things, I did FINALLY make it to SJSU and I am at last rid of that horrid CSM. However, due to registration problems, I was only able to take one lousy class! And there are STILL problems at the lovely SJSU office with my transcripts, so this school year may not be much different. 
BUT I have made a few new friends who are dear to my heart, and welcomed back an old one who I had missed terribly. (Ann! I am so glad we finally got our shit together and are hanging out again.) I have managed, also, to keep the ones that I love and cherish somewhat close to me... It was truly you guys who made my year. 
You, and of course, my amazing Tai, even though he is thousands of miles away at the moment, on a much needed, much deserved vacation. It's funny the way distance works, isn't it? I think my Jennie (among others) would agree it's a strange kind of thing... The absence of a very close, true, loved one, even for a short while, can hit you suddenly, and almost make your very heart hurt. Insecurities and stupid, irrational thoughts blind you from what is obviously there-- love, devotion, and a true bond. I miss you, Tai, and I wish we could spend New Year's Eve together to celebrate a new beginning for both of us. Just remember, though, you are on my mind always, and closer to my heart than ever. I love you.
I suppose, all in all, this wasn't such a bad year after all. I have a job, I am generally healthy (my exema isn't THAT bad, just ugly), I am still going to school, and I have a roof over my head. My OWN roof. I didn't travel around the world or take a lavish vacation. I didn't learn a new language. I didn't get a new job or do any volunteer work. But I found a love for sushi! I love my family and my friends. And I learned a whole lot. I guess that is something after all. 
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Monday, October 24, 2005
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Category: Writing and Poetry
WOW- I wrote this short story exactly two years ago today. It started out as a writing excersise, but I guess I got carried away! I hope you enjoy it...
I can’t believe I’m home again. I thought I would never have to come back here. I’m 26, for God’s sake. I moved out of this horrible town years ago. Three years ago, to be exact. I was so sick of this place. So small, so boring, so simple. So I moved to New York—the city that never sleeps! I love it there. I wish I was there. So why am I here, you ask? I’m here to help my dad. Poor guy, he’s lost without Mom. He’ll learn. I’m just here to help.
Now I’m sitting in the guest room; my old room. I’m sitting on the double bed that was once my own, along with the pink and blue rose patterned quilt. Mom must have made up the bed long ago. “Just in case,” she would have said. No one ever came to see them. Not I.
My father appeared at the doorway directly facing me, but did not enter the room. I had to admit, he looked old and drained. He is only fifty-five, relatively young, but the lines in his face are deeply etched, and the skin under his eyes began to sag and crepe. “What do you want for dinner, honey?” I turned to the right side of the bed where there was an old wooden nightstand, my old bedroom lamp, and a 20-year-old clock radio. “It’s only 3:30, Daddy,” I reported. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll make us something at six.”
I could tell he tried with all his might to muster a smile. He managed a small one. “Okay,” he said. Not able to think of anything else to say, he turned from the doorway and paused, waiting for me to keep up a conversation. I was too tired to try, though, and I let him walk away.
I sat for a moment, and suddenly became bored. I walked to the dresser on the other side of the room, right next to the doorway. I pulled open the top drawer to find old books. All hard cover. Mom loved to read. I pulled them out one by one and tossed them on the bed so I could look through them. After five, I hit the bottom of the drawer, and a single photograph, face down. The white backing had turned grey now, but the name of the processing company was clearly visible, boldly printed across the back of the photo. I turned it around to see myself. Well, a much younger, cuter, more vibrant version of myself. I must have been four or so. And my mother. We were sitting at the kitchen table together. On the bare, wooden counter, my pink, plastic tea collection was set quaintly for two. She looked beautiful. Her curly, red hair hung to her slender shoulders, slightly draped over her light blue t-shirt sleeve. She was facing the camera, holding a pink teacup in front of her mouth, as one does right before a sip is taken. Her eyes, blue and shining, were smiling, and her other hand held a small cookie, the perfect snack to accompany our tea.
I was to her right, looking at my mother’s face. It looks as though I was laughing at her-- my silly mother. My hair, the same color red as hers, was curled into ringlets. My lips and nails were painted blood red. I had an old Halloween costume on, a raggedy looking, purple, lacy dress. I do not recall what the costume was supposed to make me that Halloween. My arms were slightly outstretched, lean and pale and freckled on the table. As I saw my hands, I saw I was wearing my mother’s diamond ring, a ring she wore until the day she died. The same ring that I put securely in my suitcase last week. I cannot wear it now. Memories of my mother flooded my mind, and I began thinking out loud. “You curled my hair for me that day. And put that lipstick on me. You would always let me wear your make-up. And your jewelry. You would take your rings off and let me try them on. You taught me manners. You taught me to be a lady.”
I turned to walk out the door to show my father the treasure I had found, but realized it may not be the best of ideas right now. It would be my little secret. He, after all, took every picture of Mom down that was in this house and hid them away somewhere. He just did not want to be reminded; he did not want the memories. He never spoke of her. His memory of her was practically gone-- or at least that’s what he wanted. From my point of view, it had completely vanished. I tucked the photo I had rescued into my suitcase and walked out of the guest room.
Feeling depressed and encaged, I decided a walk would do me good, or at least get me out of the house and into the sunshine. Before I walked out of the front door, I called to my dad that I was taking a walk. He acknowledged my statement with an incomprehensible grunt. It was then that I heard the low murmur of voices. He was lost in front of the television again.
After two blocks, I turned right on Main Street, the “downtown” area. All that was there was City Hall, the post office, the elementary school was down the street, and even farther than that was the Piggly Wiggly, a small grocery store where I used to work. The rest of Main Street was littered with bars, a couple of banks, and small shops and drug stores. One new addition, however, was a coffee shop, no doubt trying its hardest to be a Starbuck’s or Peet’s. A tall, metal, newspaper rack stood right outside, boasting the headline of the day. Today’s was “GIRL RESCUED AFTER BEING LOST FOR DAYS.” I wish it were me.
I contemplated a cup of coffee, but I didn’t decide quickly enough. My legs kept moving, and my body didn’t turn. I just kept moving, taking in this place I hadn’t seen in years. I was glad to reach Singleton Elementary School, as I was an alumna. I stood at the chain link fence, looking in at the playground. It had changed. Brightly colored play structures had been erected, surrounded by tanbark. The asphalt was the same, crackled as ever. To my surprise, there were still several children playing. I glanced at my watch-- 4:10. I observed the children, and remembered my class being the same way-- one group of boys running, playing football, tag, or something of that sort. A smaller group of boys were on the monkey bars and slide, trying to prove themselves to each other, no doubt. A few girls watched and laughed and screamed at the daredevils as they risked taking nasty spills into the tanbark. The last group of girls was in a more secluded area, the far left of the grounds, jumping rope. I smiled at this, for that was a favorite past time of mine. There were five or six of them, taking turns spinning the rope and jumping, cheering and squealing all the while. Then they started the jump roping songs. I recalled my favorite one as a child. As they jumped and sang, I softly recited my own: “Ladybug, ladybug, in the sky. Ladybug, ladybug, flying too high. Ladybug, ladybug, falling down. Ladybug, ladybug, hit the ground.”
I had to smile at them. They were so carefree and happy-- content with living in this town, as I once was. I could not bring myself to stop looking at them. They had no idea anything else even existed outside of the city limits. They were completely oblivious to everything but where they were and what they were doing now. The very definition of innocence. I noticed a very short, thin girl jog across the playground to an adult woman I had not seen earlier. It was Ms. Young, the evil head of the after school program. I remembered her small eyes and pursed lips well. Ms. Young bent down to greet the small girl. To my surprise, the girl turned and pointed in my direction, no doubt thinking I was some sort of pedophile. Mortified, I quickly turned from the fence and continued my walk. Ms. Young wouldn’t recognize me-- I was considered a stranger here now.
I walked another block and saw the post office across the street. I stopped to look at it for a moment. It really was, after all, a nice looking building that was built in the early 1900’s. It has been restored many a time, but it was still charming. “Bethany?!” An unrecognizable male voice called me. I slowly looked around to see who had disrupted my thoughts. “Bethany!” The cracking voice cried again. “I know that’s you!”
I turned completely around and froze. I had never before this moment actually wished to fall down dead. I suppose there is a first time for everything. “T- Travis,” I stuttered. I bit my lip. Pull yourself together!
As he moved toward me, he had a certain sway in his step, and then almost tripped over a large, uneven crack in the sidewalk. Charming. “Girl,” he slurred, “you look like sex on a stick. What you doin’ back here?”
This man was drunk. He was more than two feet from me and I could almost see the brown, foggy cloud of whiskey surrounding him. I sure as hell could smell it. I took a step back. “Just visiting.”
“Aww, come on,” he grumbled. “Everyone knows about your mom. You ain’t been back here for years.”
I sighed. Drunk as he was, he was right. I took a good look at him. I tried to find even a trace of the old Travis. The Travis I fell for so long ago. That was long gone. He wore a dirty, tan ball cap with the words “Kenny Trucking” printed across the front of it. His blonde, curly hair was much too long, and it stuck out all sides from under the cap. His face, once smooth skinned and tan, was now pale but flushed. Judging by the scruffy, brown blanket of hair covering his jaw lines and chin, I would guess he had not shaved in at least a week. His big, brown eyes were blood-shot and droopy looking, like a puppy. A stinky, dirty, drunk puppy. I dared to glance down at his stained, white tee shirt and saw what I was afraid of: his beer belly hung over the top of his belted Levi’s.
“How is Luanne?” I asked, hoping to divert the topic of conversation.
“She’s fine. She got fat, but she’s doin’ fine. She’s at home with the kids now.”
“How many do you have now?”
“Kids? Four of ‘em. You got any yet?” It suddenly hit me that I would have ended up Travis’ wife. I would be the one married to a drunk taking care of four kids. I glanced at the belly again. That is truly scary. It made me thank God he was a cheater.
“Nope,” I answered.
“You gotta have a boyfriend,” he pried. “You were always popular with the guys.” His drunken smile stretched all the way across his face-- from ear to ear.
“And apparently, you with the girls.” I glared at him. I just didn’t want to admit that I was single.
“Hey now,” he mumbled, reaching out to put his hand on my arm. “Let’s let bygones be bygones.” I took another step back, and his hand missed my arm by inches, swinging through midair. I don’t think he even noticed. “It’s too bad it didn’t work out between us. We were together for… uh…” I could hear the hamster running to turn the wheels in his head. The wheels cracked and squeaked as they sluggishly moved. “A long time,” he finally concluded. He cracked another drunken grin. “I was your dream man, baby!” I rolled my eyes at him and eyed his shirt again. Even if he was a drunk, my dream guy would know how to dress.
My closed lips smiled over clenched teeth. Wasn’t he a doll? I felt bad for him, I really did. I know he was miserable. I could see it in his eyes. I could always tell the way he was feeling. That is, in fact, how I knew he was cheating on me. His eyes somehow tell all. They were different now, though. They were dull and a much darker brown than I remembered. He was truly suffering-- His eyes told me so. I could not bring myself to stop looking at them. It was so sad. How could this man, once so full of potential and energy, go so wrong? How did the man I once loved so much end up this way?
All I could do was sigh. He swayed back and forth in front of me, like a young, weak tree in the wind. “I have to go,” I told him.
“All right, then,” he said softly. “Don’t be a stranger, now, ya hear?” Before I could respond, he stumbled past me. I turned and watched him slowly walk away. Something made me hope that he would be all right.
I once again continued my walk down Main Street. There was one more place I had to visit… the Piggly Wiggly. It had been there on the corner of Cherry and Main for as long as I can remember. It even had the same sign and everything. I felt almost nervous walking through the old, dawdling, automatic door. When I think back on the four years I spent there, the uniforms are not all that come back to haunt me. The magenta-pink aprons were atrocious in themselves, but I just hated that job all together.
I hoped Wendy was working that day. She was the only one there I ever really felt I could talk to. She was twice my age and very smart. I told her time and time again that she deserved much better than this job and this place. She only smiled at me whenever I said that, and said, “Honey, this is all I need. I’m a simple woman. I lead a simple life.” Yet I always told her how I felt-- stuck, alone, and frustrated. She was the only one who supported my moving to New York. I owed it to her to visit her.
I wandered in and out of the narrow aisles looking for her, passing the freezer section, baking goods, toiletries, snack section… I finally found her in produce, stacking carrots. I grinned and called her name as soon as I saw her there. I could not help myself. She looked great. She had not aged one bit in three years. She rushed toward me with a big smile and open arms. “Bethany!” She cried. “My Lord almighty, you look wonderful!”
“Thanks, Wendy. You look beautiful! You haven’t changed a bit!”
“Oh, stop it!” She grinned. She studied my face for a moment and grew serious. “I heard about your mama, honey. I am so sorry.” I had almost forgotten for over an hour-- I was getting better.
“Yeah, thanks,” was all I could think of to say. Wendy quickly changed the subject, knowing I didn’t want to talk about it.
“You look better now than you did here,” she looked into my eyes. “Are you happier in New York?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “I am, but I miss you and Daddy, you know.”
“You don’t miss this place much, do you?” She laughed, looking around. “The horrible hours we worked!” It’s true-- I worked night and weekends. So did Wendy. “But we smiled through it, didn’t we?” I was hiding behind the smiles. She knew I was for all those years.
Just then, a familiar song came over the loud speaker. Not a beat passed before I recognized it. It was Wendy’s favorite song: “With All the Love in My Heart” by Jenny-Mae Larson, a country singer who had been popular many years ago. I smiled at Wendy. “Is this still your song?”
“Of course,” she grinned. “But I have no one to dance to it with around the store anymore!” We both chuckled at the memory. I suddenly remembered my promise to make dinner at six. I glanced at my watch. It was 5:20. I told Wendy I had to go, and promised another visit the following day.
I left the store quickly, without seeing anyone else I had worked with there; I was relieved. I started the trip home thinking about working in that grocery store. Everyone pretended to be friends with everyone. People were happy, or they pretended to be happy, working as service clerks. Finally, I stopped pretending. I was once fake. Now it is all too real.
My father was waiting for me when I got home. He didn’t look any better. “I thought you forgot,” he sheepishly told me, pointing at the toaster. The tops of the slits were glowing orange. I smiled at him and began to gather ingredients for cheddar potato soup-- to go with his toast.
Right after dinner, Dad retired to the living room and switched on the television. He would fall asleep there in his lounge chair until one or two in the morning, then get up and force himself to sleep in his room by himself. I finished washing the dishes and checked to make sure all the lights were off in the house. Then I went to my room and shut my door to stifle the noise from the T.V. It was only 9:00. I was exhausted-- emotionally, mentally, physically. I finally decided I would have to stay with Dad for a week longer than I had expected. He can’t be alone yet. Work would understand. Nothing ever turns out the way it should.
As I sat in an exhausted daze on the bed, I spied the dresser by the door. I remembered the books and the photo I found in the top drawer, but I had left the other drawer untouched. Curiosity got the best of me, and I slowly made my way across the room. I sat on the floor and crossed my legs to get comfortable. I grasped the cold, brass handles and pulled the heavy drawer open. Inside were pictures- all in frames- of Mom. Mom and Dad, Mom and me, Mom on vacation… I had found my father’s hiding place. Tears streamed down my face as I stroked the framed memories. I tried to silence my choking sobs so Dad would not hear. There I sat, holding these treasures, uncontrollably overcome with realization and grief. She was gone. And I could not bring myself to stop looking at them.
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
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Current mood:  tired
What, exactly, is a blog?? A place to vent, brag, complain, hypothesize, contemplate the meaning of life itself?? Hmmm... My very first blog!! I'm excited. Does anyone actually READ these? I guess I am to find out.
I worked ALL DAY today. It's Saturday! In fact, I am still at the office right now. There is a pile of papers to the right of me that I am choosing to ignore at the moment. I needed a break.
Is that a good enough blog for the first day?? What do you want; I'm tired. I tried. It'll be better next time. Promise!
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