So if you don't know yet...i got a new job. I am the...official title (whatever that means)...Children's Ministry Associate of New Life Covenant Church. They just recently changed it to New Life because the church was dying and they were struggling to keep the maintenance going on the church building...so they asked the question, "how can we use all that we are and all that we have to further the kingdom of God?" And then it became clear...they needed to sell their building. After about 2 years, they just finally finished the sale. 45% of that money is going to start new churches...and a whole 'nother percentage is going to serving others, not themselves.

I only write this story because...I would have never thought that this would be the job for me, but the story intrigued me and God miraculously led me through many steps to be here...including my last post. I had to trust him with all of me, future included...and that is what started to happen after I posted my last blog. I trusted God, knowing that I wasn't happy with my life at that moment.

So here I am months later...even years later. I think I have been praying for this job for about 3 years...and though I would have never thought that this was the place for me...currently, I feel, this is my dream job that I didn't know was my dream job. So far it is everything I was looking for including...pay, hours, mentor, being closer to God, time for my family, growth, church home, leadership...the list goes on. I feel blessed and like I don't deserve it. I can only thank and praise God for his grace and his gift.

It makes me wonder... I spent so much time worrying and being upset about life, when I could have just trusted God. You would think that I ahve learned my lesson...yeah, whatever, just yesterday I was worrying again about something...maybe one day...

Gina

So...about 2 weeks ago, I fell in-love with my son, and decided that I never wanted him to leave.  This may sound strange to some...fell in-love with him?  Yes, before that I was just adjusting...and boy was it a whirlwind.  A few times I thought, "Man, I don't think I can do this, maybe I should give him back."  Then, I would feel guilty for ever thinking those thoughts.  It is very interesting to have a person completely depend on you for everything.  He couldn't even hold his head up to look around, I had to help him.  And sometimes I would forget that he needed me that much.

Lately, I have been enjoying every present day...his smiles, the new sounds he is making, his connection with me as he looks at me...everything is great when I just concentrate on today.  When I start to think about Jaliel being 4 years old...or even more...16 years old, I pretty much freak out.  There is no way that I can handle that.  I start to question if this the right thing.  Should someone really be trusting me to raise a human being?  Will I do a good job?  All the things that I decide today affect how he will turn out tomorrow...that's scary.  I really don't feel like I am doing a good enough job.

I love him...so much.  I never want him to leave.  I am so happy when I think about being able to see him while coming home.  I am sad when he is sad...and sometimes there is nothing I can do...to make him feel better.  His smiles give me a joy that I haven't ever felt before.

That's all I can do for today.  I guess it has to be enough, even in my imperfection.

It makes me wonder how God feels about us.

Love you all...

Today I get to visit Jaliel again.  Yeah!!!

Isn't it crazy how when you say, yeah I am so proud of myself...things start to turn around that instant, and then you are not doing as well anymore...hence this week I have gotten barely any cleaning done...my fears have crept up, leaving me paralyzed in the wake of my many addictions and losses.

 

So, my cleaning adventure continues...I have come to a new point...I am finally admitting I need help, so come on over on the 30th.  I will humbly take whatever help I can get, and the idea of others coming over will further motivate me to move my arse in motion again.

If anyone is free in the evenings between now and then, again I would graciously take your help for a little one-on-one organizing, before the rush comes and I have people (i.e. ROB :) ) coming over wanting to throw away all of my stuff. 

It is hard for me to ask for help and I feel that I am asking a lot of someone in this particular situation, since going through my things with me leaves me very vulnerable...turning me grumpy, emotional and a little hard to deal with...( I have a lot of shame, guilt and embarrassment over my head in this part of my life)  On the other hand, when I am motivated...miracles happen, you could see me have a breakthrough right before your eyes.  You could make a difference in my life... :)  *cheesy smile*  Just thought I would get the truth out there....Any takers? 

My biggest fear is that I will no longer have any friends, because you might see a part of me that you never want to be around again...so please be easy on me...I ask for your forgiveness ahead of time and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart now, that you would even be willing to go to the depths with me....

Love you ALL,

Gina

I thought that I would say Hi on here since I have not written in a while, but I feel that I have been writing e-mail newsletters so then I have kept in contact with everyone that way.

The biggest news at the moment is our preparation for a baby...we are NOT pregnant.  We want to foster and adopt a baby that is about to be born...due date August 5th...so we are getting our paper work together and all that jazz....Whoo, hoo.  I am praying that everything goes smoothly, and that we will be parents in less than a month.  God is in charge of it all!

It is a pretty complicated situation...so I won't go into all of the details.  It has been a miracle that we pretty much have everything that we need...a crib, etc....to bring the baby home.  Our house is cleaning up nicely, a lot easier than I thought...it is like I have had a break through and I am not letting anything stop me.

I praise God for his provision and guidance.  He is visible in his works right now.  I love him.

Love you all,
Gina

I totally have not written here in so long...it is crazy how life passes you by.


My new news:  I have enrolled in a correspondence interior design school.  I am very nervous, but excited.  Many fears have arisen...

On that front...I am tackling some of my own personal issues and it is stirring up fears and anxiety.  I hate dealing with the mess of myself...and it seems that...for a limited time...I can hide that mess really well...in a closed cupboard...shut to myself...and label it "Fixed."  The thing is I am never "fixed," nor will I ever be.  All I can be is me, mess and all...with skills that help me deal with the mess.

I can lie to myself very easily and say that it doesn't matter to me...that this messy person is OK to live with,  I'll just look out the window so I don't have to look at her.  But that's just it, it's a lie...I am not OK with my messy self.

I heard a great quote recently...
"If your done working on it, you're dead."

The other day I realized that I fall very easily into the Lucifer trap...I want to be perfect...someday I will reach that perfection.  I realized that I am trying to be like God...I can do it, I can handle it, I can be perfect.  Everyday it is a struggle for me to admit that though I can work on being better, trying for perfection would mean that I am just like Satan, wanting to be God and just not able.  In order to be close to God  I have to admit that I am not Him, that He can do things that I cannot do, I need His help...to live everyday.  I cannot do it on my own.

There is one last thing...this last week, I asked for support from my closest group of friends...it was a hard week for me with Mother's day and all.  It was very hard for me to ask for support...for help.  Only one person responded to that plea.  That hurts.

Love you all,
Gina

Well
I started a Yahoo group called "Confessions of the Sisterhood"
It is meant to be a group of women dedicated to support one another in becoming healthier. 

I am feeling like it is a great "idea."  I am not really sure how to make it work, or what would make it work better.   I invited everyone I could think of....  Anyway, I thought I would put a join here button on this page.  Hopefully I'll do it...I am not really good at this programing stuff.

--trying it now----trying it again----and again---

And it is proving true...I am not good at this.   The programming is not working.  So I will just put the address here and then you can copy and paste if you would like to join.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/sisterhoodconfessions/join





The reason that I started the group...I have gained so much weight in the last few months.  I thought that this would help....I would have to admit my faults, and get support.  So far, I am afraid to really admit my faults.  I put out goals...I thought that would help, nope, not keeping them.  Anyway, I hope more people join and I become more open.  I have resolved myself to think...it will just take time.

Love you all,
Gina

I am really excited about this Sunday.  We, a group of people I get together with on Friday nights,  are doing an art thing...well something where the mural that we put together and other works of art will be displayed.  We are getting the thing together quickly, so I hope that a lot of people can come.

Hopefully we can do it again. That would be fabulous and have more time to tell the community around us as well, put up some posters and stuff.

I am excited.  I have been doing a lot of art lately, but I have never had any art displayed.  WOW, that will be exciting.

If you want more info on when and where, click on the link below:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/robspain/123021760/"

Love you all,
Gina

Dear friends and people everywhere,
Thanks for all of your comments...in the past and the future.

Please continue to comment.  I don't mind if people disagree with me, or have questions...it will help me clarify my own thoughts.

"I will walk upon the comments that have been laid before me, they propel my thoughts to completion."

Just thought I would be poetic...

Love you all,
Gina

I know my last blog was a long one, so I thought I'd make it simple.

When somone tells me that God is a certain way or that He has certain characteristics, I expect that they will be able to back that information up with more than a "I just know" or "That's how my God is."  Same goes for things that someone tells me are not God.  Same goes for other supernatral things i.e. fairies, ghosts, etc.

That's the simplicity of it-I think we do ourselves a disfavor when we make up God to who we want Him to be.  He is bigger than anything we can make up.  Therefore, we won't be able to fully expalin Him and His ways.

Gina