I'm in a ranting mood. I'm also feeling extremely anti-social right now so if you find this blog, and are mad I haven't been answering my phone: I'm not in a talking mood right now and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect that. 

             Right now I'm having the biggest, 'I don't know.' going through my head. The biggest warning flags come up, and here I am just staring at them. Just having a nice look at them, saying to myself, "Hm, these are very large and noticable. Yes, they are. Perhaps, it would be wise to stop heading this way now but they are so vivid and nice looking I may just continue to stare for awhile longer." *slaps self* 

             Warnings. I never did pay much mind to them. And this time most likely won't be any different and I can already guarantee myself some sort of emotional pain in the next month or so because I decided to just stare at the pretty flags with very dangerous meanings behind them. 

             And as usual, my depression is creeping back up on me. It's only natural that is does. What would I be without it? A normal, slightly happy person. Psh, like that's in my cards. Nonetheless, the claws are sinking back in. I feel an edge in the back of my mind and I'm wondering how long until I reach it. I'll probably be seeing the doctor this week. *sigh* "Here Niki, have some more pills." "Why thank you, Doctor! What ever would I do without these pills that never help?!" "I don't know Niki, but we'll continue to up the dosage until all of your problems disappear!" "Golly gee, I can't wait! It's not like any doctor hasn't ever tried that before!" *slaps doctor* Sarcasm. What would I do without you? 

              I just don't know what to do. I want out of here for a while. Away from everyone, from everything. But what would truly be the point of that? Because I'd still be there. I can essentially escape everything around me, but I can't escape my head. What a fucking vacation that would be. Not so much.  

             I don't know what I ever did to ask for any of this. And it couldn't have been something in a past life. Jared senses that this is my first life. And it must be because anyone who has lived twice couldn't fuck my life up as much as I have so far lmao It's definitely my first go and it's not going very well haha And if this is my second go, I don't even want to know how badly I *fucked up* my first try. [I don't actually believe in reincarnation but it's a good laugh when I ain't got shit else to laugh about.] 

            I miss Ari so much. =[ *random* But I know he could help me with all of this. He always could. I wish I could hear his voice. I wish he was here still. It still hurts just as bad as the day he died. Nobody has any idea how much I miss him. I don't talk about it ever because I'm scared of bursting out into tears. I can hardly say his name outloud without wanting to roll over and cry. 

            What am I ever to do? I just feel lost. I feel like everybody got this map handed to them at birth, and for some reason I got skipped over. I know this isn't true, and everyone else is just as lost as I am but I still feel that way. I'm just so shocked I've lived this long that I don't know what I do. I didn't plan for this lmao As I've said before, my life estimation was 17. I'm gonna be 20. Didn't see that coming. lmao I know, I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why the fuck is she laughing about suicide? That is just not funny." Believe me, after all I've been through, you learn to laugh about those things. It's either you laugh about them or you let them drive you literally crazy. So I choose laughter. And before you ask yourself, "Omg, is she considering suicide?!?!?!?!" No. Been there. Done that. I'm just at a very cynical, depressing point in my life but in no way have I any desire to die right now. I may say sarcastically that I do, and my sarcasm is rather hard to catch onto [Many people seem to have issues understanding it. What can I say? I have highly developed sarcasm glands.] but in reality I'm content breathing and such things. 

            Hm, this is very long. BUT I'm still in a ranting to myself mood. What a joy is this conquest in life to figure out who one is! And what better way to establish a heady portion of it than through a myspace blog at 1 am when you having nothing better to do while eating a giant sandwhich and drinking mountain dew. Hell, I'm one fucking philosophical champion at life. Nietzsche, you ain't got shit on me. Alright, well you have several highly influential books, fame, and better word use but you didn't have the internet. And I have no idea what use that is in my "holier than thou" argument but I'll go with it. I seem to be good at just going with things. *sigh* 

            Fuck, how did it come to this? I've got a shield of sarcasm with a dash of cynicism and here I sit wondering if anyone can hear me? Can anyone understand? Can anyone see how beneathe the lie I live everyday? Or more truthfully asked, does anyone care?

Here is me, Nicole Elaine Mittelsteadt.



I'm German and I'm damn proud of it.


I'm somewhat of a quiet person in the beginning, UNLESS I am with a person who makes me feel comfortable. I have this tendency to misuse the purpose of owning a phone and it would be known as: answering. Don't get your panties in a knot if I never answer for you, I'm most likely ignoring the rest of the world as well.

I enjoy being being in a social setting. You know the whole go out to parties but spend the entire night in a crowd of people you've known for over 5 years instead of meeting new people thing. Alright, so I do meet new people at parties a lot but it's fun to stereotype occasionally. However, when I'm not being a social whore, I prefer to sit at home and read about elves, space, time, and of course enhance my mental love affair with the works of Friedrich Nietzsche. Basically, all that means is that I enjoy Niki time. In fact, I'd be a uncivil bitch without my alone time. If this is an issue, you can royally fuck off. =] When I wish to hang out and chit chat then I shall do so when I am damn well ready to.

Aside from my slight anti-social habits and annoying strain of shyness upon the first meeting, I am about as loud and wild as they come. Essentially, I'm that underestimated firework, you know, the one you thought could NEVER make it that close to the house.

I'm open about my views, and what I do so you'll either be fascinated or absolutely terrified of me. Aside from the fact that I exude spontaneity, I have low self-esteem, compliments surprise the shit out of me, and I lack of a bit of self confidence. You'd never know though and I prefer it that way. Being the individual I am, I wear and do whatever it is that appeals to me not to society, the media, your friends, or you for that matter.


Now that we're past the dull description of my personality, that will never actually have a complete or truly worthwhile description, we can move on to what I like, and how I pass the time.

IMPORTANT: Music has always been a HUGE part of my life. HEAVY FUCKING METAL! I have been listening to and loving metal since I was a wee lass around the age of eight. My life practically revolves around it and I live for concerts/festivals. At age 18, I made the metal pilgrimage to Wacken Open Air in Germany and it was THE best experience of my life, and definitely would be for any metalhead. Other types of music I enjoy include: Opera, Celtic, Classical [Bach, Vivaldi, Mozart..], Gregorian Chanting Monks, and some New Age. [I will be returning to Wacken in 2010!]

My friends are some of the most kickass people you could ever hope to meet. We do some of the craziest [stupidest] shit you could imagine and they are always there for me either with a hug or bottle of vodka when I need it.

I am VERY random, and you'll find me driving down I-55 blasting "O Fortuna" and singing along. Then you'll hear me screaming along with Kalmah's "Heroes to Us." I tend to burst out with something in a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic. [I don't listen sometimes, and I go through this whole, crazy thought process in my head and only the tail end of it comes out. lol]

I'm definitely NOT an emotional person. I HATE clingy and needy guys/friends because I can just not reciprocate the clingy/neediness. You will most likely NEVER see me cry. Though, ironically, I am a hopeless romantic when with the right guy. Who isn't though? Also, I NEVER beat around the bush with how I feel. I say exactly what I mean, and I mean what I say. If I don't say it, I'm obviously not feeling it. So don't get a big ego assuming shit. Most likely you're WAY off.

I *HATE* melted cheese. Write that down and memorize it.

I party A LOT. Got a problem with it? Don't come to the party then.

Reading and writing are my addictions. I can't go a day without writing, and I *love* reading fantasy novels. Some of my favs: The Legend of Drizzt Series, A Darkness Forged in Fire Series, Noble Dead Series, The Silmarillion, The Hobbit, The Devil Inside, and the The Devil You Know.

I do love meeting new people all the time, [doesn't happen very often as I live in a VERY small hicktown] Basically, I'm a social whore as I said earlier. I'll talk to anyone no matter our differences [i.e. religion, political views, gender, race, culture, or anything else]

Random facts: I love eating frosting right out of the tube, the pentagram is my favorite symbol, I love learning about all the world's different religions, I have a huge White German Shepherd, and if you made it through reading all of that: Congrats.

Oh, and one more thing: I dance like a flamingo with epilepsy.

        Next summer I am proud to say I am returning to Wacken Open Air!!!! =) It was the BEST experience of my life. Never was I ever so happy as I was while in Germany at that festival. It was wild, it was crazy, I met people from all around the world, I got shvasted, I saw amazing bands, and not only was MP that last thing on my mind but the entire US was not on my mind. I can't put into words how amazing it was.
        WOA 2010 will be much cheaper than '08 because I am planning way, way ahead of time.
         Flight: $600 - $700. It will be booked in August or September. 
         Passport: Already got it. But it was $100. 
         Wacken Ticket: $180.00
         Spending Money : I'm taking $800 which equals close to €600. Which is way more than enough money over there.
         Trains & Taxis: Around $60 all together. 
          
         I'll be backpacking it. And all together it should be around $1800 for the whole trip for me. [Add in another $100 for those in need of a passport] Which is fucking CHEAP! WOOT! I'd definitely get your passport before the summer is over because you are now required to have passports to get into Canada and Mexico. It only took me a month to get mine last year, but it may take longer for people now as there is more of a need for them. 
         Anyone who wants to go just let me know, but I'm booking my flight in August or September and I'm not gonna wait for your ass to get the money so you better be prepared for it. The Wacken ticket I'll be getting as soon as they go on sale and I'll let you know when that should be but we have a while. And the spending money...that's how ever much you want to take but you should at least have €200. So that would be around $260. 

        The dates for Wacken 2010 will not be released until right after this year's Wacken so I'll be letting you know that as well. I'm already registered on MetalTix.com so I can order the tickets. For passports, there will be some forms you need to fill out, and you will need to take them to the County Clerk office in Lincoln. For your photo, get that Walgreen's. I'll send you the link to print out the forms.

        I plan to arrive in Germany two days before the bands begin playing so we can find a decent camping ground. =) YAY! And it will also give us time to run around Hamburg for a while. And the last night we can all chip in for a hotel room so we can get a decent bath! [I plan on bathing in the showers at Wacken though. So girls...bring a swim suit.]
       You'll need some boots and/or just two pairs of tennis shoes. It rains every year and the mud is pretty bad. One heavy sweat shirt, jeans, shorts/skirts, t-shirts, tank tops/spaghetti strap, baby wipes, tooth brush/tooth paste, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, a tent, a sleeping bag [THICK...it gets cold at night], towels, LOTS of socks, clothes for about 6 days, and really whatever else you want to bring.  {i.e. makeup, brushes, face washes, blah blah blah} Just be prepared for weather/temperature changes. It's always pretty damn hot during the day, and cold at night. The rain will also cool things down a bit.
       I know Alex is going with me for sure! =) And Jared I believe is also for sure. Emily wants to go. But anyone else who loves heavy metal or just wants a crazy life experience is welcome to come. Just let me know.

         Devil

Accusing me without an alibi of your own
Set up my trial but you forgot to show
You can point the finger but you never come through
With the evidence to support the lies you imbue
'Cause baby I'm smiling pretty for the devil today
Yeah, you know I'm smiling right at you
A victim on a soap box with too much to say
Shut your mouth baby, the devil don't need to pray
The lord ain't got a care for anything standing in your way
Keep preaching but ain't nobody listening
Yeah baby I'm smiling pretty for the devil today
'Cause you've got so much more hell to go through
Even after I've stopped smiling at you.

I will finally post a rant concerning one of the greatest blunders in music history. The replacement of Tarja Turunen with Anette Olzon in Nightwish.

Nightwish began their career with something most of the world had never heard of: operatic female vocals in metal. The genre they are listed in is Symphonic Power Metal. Tuomas Holopainen, a founder of the band and keyboardist, writes all the music and lyrics for the band. He is an amazing composer and writer. But it truly was Tarja's voice that defined the band. Seriously, if they had a female vocalist like Lita Ford, Doro, or even Anette in the beginning...well there would never be this blog.

Tarja is a classically trained mezzo-soprano that has sung in several operas.

Anette is a lyric soprano more suited for a punk rock band.

WTF TUOMAS? *bitch slap*


Did you guys do LSD and she sucked your cock and you thought you found God? Is that how Anette got in?

You fired Tarja for the sake of Nightwish...and yet you pick a woman who sounds like a screeching cat in labor when singing your old songs? You had to have a vocal coach train Anette just to get the octaves somewhat correct on the old songs as she sung them all too high! WHY BOTHER WHEN YOU COULD HAVE HIRED SOMEONE WHO COULD ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW, SING THE SONGS!!!!!

Not to mention you went from being Symphonic Metal to Disney Pop Rock in the span between Once and Dark Passion Play. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR DARK PASSION RIGHT NOW TUOMAS BUT I'M SUUUUUUUUREEEEE ANETTE DOES!

Seriously, why?


I will continue this later. I am NOT done yet.

I wrote a poem concerning the idea of the subconscious. My psychology professor explained to me that the subconscious mind is made up purely of sex and aggression. I was very intrigued by this. And decided to write a short poem with the idea of a person who understood and embraced their subconscious based on that information..
 
Nature Conquers Nurture

Upon the human mind's primordial nature, I found a seat
Ever the same as it was a millenia before my conception
A sly grin planted across my face as I delved into the constant beat
The rhythm that courses through each and every heart, metaphor of affection
But cruel hands twist and turn the poet's pretty words
Until affection is attraction and lastly pure instinctual predation
Lapping at the pool of hope, I find the human soul stricken and forlorn
Always fearing the uncivilized throne that lies at the root of each being born
The beast will turn upon your hand, it warns to the mind that would listen
My grin turns to laughter, forever following the pulse I find within
The beast would turn against me indeed, but I am the beast as well old friend
Upon the throne I sit, picking away the last threads of morality
And the fangs of mine are stained with the blood of society
Corrupt and foul, my presense is harbored within us all
One day, the gates to my palace will be opened
And your petty, 'refined' human world shall fall

Alright, so I have been writing a novel. Blah blah. Well, I am in chapter 6 and have SERIOUS writer's block on it. But I got this amazing idea for a new whole new story and here's a brief thing for it. Very basic info, very jumpy, and I've left a lot out but you'll get the point.

It will be a military type based novel centering around the Commander in Chief of the HellHound Elite Army. I haven't decided on a name for him yet but he has quite the personality. He will be around 27 years old during the time of the story, and he achieved his status at the age of 21. A HUGE feat in HellHound history. I'll describe more about him later.

What are the HellHounds?


HellHound soldiers are essentially genetically, mentally, and physically superior human beings. Their DNA is different than that of a normal human being. Their skeletal make up is not that of normal bone make up. Basically take a normal human being, and take their mental and physical abilities and multiply that by 100: You have a HellHound. They also have some weird quirks: They can make their finger nails retract, and claws will replace them. The same goes for their teeth, they can produce fangs when neceassary and their irises will turn turn black when they use nightvision so they can see perfectly in the dark. The HellHounds have been around since the Middle Ages when a group of people being persecuted by the Catholic Church (the church accused them of being in the service of Satan for their abnormal characteristics. The legend of the vampire and werewolf come about because of normal people catching HellHounds using these abilities), escaped and went into the far north of the world. The band were that of 8 men, and their wives. And it was in the North that they began to build their strength. They took the name HellHound in remembrance of the their persecution from the Church, and because of their animal like physical qualities. The quickly found themselves a great career as assassins. They learned all the arts of war, and all the arts of war came naturally to them. The training was passed down to their sons, and only the strongest of women were allowed to have children with a HellHound, to ensure the strength of the group. Over centuries, they were soon a huge force in the world. *I'm going to cut off the history here and go into more of a description of present day*

After being studied by scientists, it was found both women and men carry the HellHound Gene, but it only manifests in the male. And it is only found in people of European origins. The countries of Russia, Finland, Sweden, Norway, and Denmark carry the heaviest amounts of men and women with the gene as the North is where the first group went to. Blonde hair and blue eyes is the characteristic of the gene. (That is why Hitler valued these characteristics in the nazis. though none of the nazis were hellhounds. Hitler believed anyone with blue eyes and blonde hair was a carrier) On the border between Finland and Sweden is the base for the HellHound Elite Army. A HellHound is the perfect soldier, the perfect assassin, and most of all: the perfect killer. The HellHounds have a separate culture from the world, but they have no country of their own. To HellHounds, male children are the most important to have as they will grow off to bootcamp and become soldiers. If the first child of a family is male, the son is expected to do great things and the family receives a great honor. If the firstborn is female she is taken from the family. Only when the family finally give birth to a male, will any female children following that birth be allowed to be kept by the family. What happens to the females born before the male child? They are kept and raised in a part of the base to be wives for HellHound males. It's never about love to a HellHound, it's about a powerful bloodline. Anyways, the son is taken from the mother at age 5 to begin his training. They begin by leaving him in a completely dark, damp dungeon with however many males are his age as well. (The main character's "class" had 267 boys in it at the beginning) They receive no food, water, clothes, or anything for 3 months. The door to the huge chamber is never opened. It's there the boys learn how to survive. Those that made it out alive continue their training. They are beaten, shot at, lashed, and tortured mercilessly for 2 years. A HellHound must learn to ignore any sort of pain. All those that survive that move on to "school" for 3 years. (they learn to read, write, and blah blah) At 10, they begin training to be ruthless killers, master mind strategists, and to be physical perfection. This training does not end until age 20 and they graduate into the army. The catch....every HellHound graduating class has a maximum of 30 men allotted to it. The main character's class has the full 30 out of 267 enrolled.

What do the HellHounds do? After seeing the tyranny of the Church in the Middle Ages, the original band meant to fight against corruption in goverments. Nowadays, the HellHounds are the shadow in every government buildings, in very king's palaces, and behind every dictator's door. They don't interfere with anything, until they see fit. They also put in end to pointless wars, deciding which country was right in the matter. Really they intent to look after the normal people of the world. But, as I said, they don't interfere unless the situation is becoming very dangerous to the rest of the world or if they become annoyed with the country. The HellHounds have your average military hierarchy, except at very head of the HellHounds are the 8 Elders...next is the Commander in Chief, who runs and decides practically everything BUT he must have the approval of the Elders in certain matters...and then down the line.

But the story is going to be a look into the life of the Commander, who is very different from most HellHounds, his nickname is the "Caged Wolf". His father was the Commander, but he father was killed on a very tragic night when the main character was 10 years old. Both he and is father were firstborns. And a quote from the main character:

"Because I want them to know I am here. Why? So that they are afraid. Fear causes a person to strive to new heights to survive, and once they are reached and the person has realized the new levels they pushed themselves to, they can utilize and master these new skills for use in all situations. Fear leads to discovery and mastery. But fear also weeds out the weak. If one can not rationalize in a dire situation, no matter what new physical apex they have reached, they will surely die without their wits. So you see, my friend, fear does my job for me. At least to the point right before they die. That is when I step in."


I have been consumed with this story for DAYS and I want to see if any of you like it and wish me to start writing it. The main story is the inner struggle of a man fighting to find who he truly is, who killed his father, and whether he believes the HellHounds are as "righteous" as they claim to be against the dark, always watching Elders...a huge Army under his control...and the only world he's ever known: death, murder, and war.

Sound epic? I surely hope so.

I want to thank you for all the things you've done, for all the things you showed me, all the smiles you gave me, all the insight, all the truth, and for the love you gave me. My mentor, my best friend, and my father figure. I miss you with every bit of my soul, with my whole heart, and with those amazing memories I have in my mind. A year ago today you passed away. For a year I haven't heard your voice or seen you smile. For a year I have cried when I think of you. For a year I've thought of that last thing you told me. For a year I've been desperate to tell you just how much you meant to me. So I'm gonna tell you now and I hope wherever you are you can hear me...

I love you. I was so lucky to have a friend like you by my side. You have the highest level of respect anyone in my life has had and will ever have. No one ever made me smile like you did, even my own boyfriend at the time, couldn't make me feel so appreciated, and so cared about. You don't realize how much I looked up to you. You don't realize how much I cared about you. I would have glady given my life in return for yours to be saved. I mean that. You were the smartest person and the most insightful person I have ever known. You could read people like books...no matter how many walls they had...and I was so jealous that you had that ability. You were almost superhuman to me. It seemed like you could do anything and it was a piece of cake. But I know you had troubles of your own and I did all I could to be there for you when you needed it. I truly trusted you. When I told you stuff I didn't worry for a few seconds before hand..."what if he judges me? what if he goes and tells?" and I've NEVER had that with anyone before. No one will ever live up to you, no one will ever replace you, and I love you with all my heart, isäukko. Thank you SO much. Thank you for every little thing you gave to me. Thank you...I can't say it enough. And I just wish you could be here so I could say this all to your face. It still hurts to this day. And I know I have a lot more days of hurting ahead of me.

Remember Lunatica's "Song for You"? I told you those lyrics completely described how I felt about our friendship and you said, "Pienokainen, you should know I feel the same." I hold that song so fucking close to my heart. And we will stay together all of our days...because you're in my heart and you'll be there forever, isi. Oh, and Janne hasn't fucked up Eetu yet, he's doing a very good job surprisingly. I hope you and Anna are happy wherever you are. I miss you both. Ari, who am I going to build a Viking ship and conquer the world with now?    

You hold my hand when I tremble with fear 
You bring me light when I burst out in tears 
And now I want to thank you, dear, for all the things you've done 
I can't deny that you showed me the right way 

For the light, for the love 
For the truth in your eyes 
I am grateful to have such a friend by my side 
For the tears, for the joy 
For not asking me why 
We can hold our hands up and reach for the sky 

You kept your faith when my words were untrue 
You made me laugh when I was feeling blue 
Always giving, never asking for more than a smile upon my face 
Together we will conquer the whole world  

You don't have to worry 
We'll stay together all of our days 
You can trust in my words, you can rely on me 
And when dark clouds obscure the sky 
I'll be at your side 
Until the weight on your shoulders fades away

                                   Isi, mulla on ikävä sua. Raskatan sua aina. 

You've heard me talk about it, I'm sure. But to all my friends and family, in the fall of 2010 I am going to Helsinki, Finland. 100%. I'll miss you all and whatnot, but I'm so excited to go there. I may not stay forever, but I'll be there for at least a year. I have not decided on whether I will finish my degree there, but I will be doing a year of school there at least. And should I fall in love with living there, then I'll stay until I graduate. I'll come home to visit my family after I graduate of course. But I'll go back to stay for good if I love it there enough. If I love it there, but find I miss my family too much I'll probably do my last two years there and then return home for good. The point is, I am testing the waters of moving to Europe.

I'm not just talking about it anymore like I used to. This is the real deal. I'm going to Baltimore this summer to see Vince before I move over for a while. And basically I'm saying...get your time in with me...because I can't promise I'll be coming back. And I don't know when I'll be able to visit. Though for sure after graduation. So if you love me...you had better say so lol 'Cause Finland has been calling my name since I was twelve years old, and I can't ignore it any longer. haha.

To my Finnish loves: Thanks for all the help with the Finnish language and all the help to come. You guys fucking rock! You're some of my VERY best friends and my life would be so dull without you guys! See you all at Wacken '10!