I'm pretty sure I destroyed 45% of my liver last night. I can mix anything. So I started with mixing my beer and my spiced rum in a cup and chugging that down. Well, after a few rounds of flippy cup...I decided adding vodka to my beer and spiced rum would be brilliant. It was, I sure enjoyed the taste of it all. I also got super fucked up pretty quick. [That was my entire goal for Halloween night haha] 

                    However, today...my body decided it would have one of the worst hangovers ever. When I was getting to be an alcoholic, I didn't get hangovers anymore. I could drink all damn night and feel pretty damn awesome the next day, and then I could go out and do it all again the very next night...hell every night for weeks...but I seem to forget I've toned my drinking...so therefore I can't handle what I once could...and I drank just like I did over the summer last night. It was such a shitty day! I've felt so utterly miserable.

                    But you know what? I had a hella awesome night. How do I know this? While curled in the fetal position in my shower and vomiting...in my head I was laughing my ass off about stuff that happened last night. haha!                    

                If any of you have noticed, [I don't know how you could have missed it.] but I am clearly not a Christian. I used to be, but that was several years ago. In five years, after attempting to find any sort of religion I could adhere myself to...I learned only one thing...

                I can never be truly a part of any religion. However, I can closely align myself with Celtic and Scandinavian paganism should I find any wish to.

                Of all the religions in the world, any that fall under "Pagan" earn my respect and so do their holidays that support nature, lunar movements, and seasonal changes. I'd much rather appreciate and celebrate nature than waste an entire holiday worshipping one man that may or may not have existed.

                In my opinion, if Jesus existed...than that must mean King Arthur and his magic sword Excalibur existed as well. If Jesus exists, then everything else that is disputed in actual historical evidence must also exist as well. So...you wanna help me find Avalon and The Garden of Eden? haha. 

                Pagans were, in fact, polytheistic but they appreciated nature and the ways the world itself worked. All I've ever seen Christianity appreciate is war, money, and God. Sorry, I'll stick with the Old Way. Crucify me if you must. 

               In the words of John Milton, "Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven." I'm atheist by all means, but it's my way of saying..."I'd rather be myself, live in this moment, love what I have around me, taunt authority, and stand up for who Iam...then surrender my entire life to any single deity." But I prefer Milton's way of saying it. haha!

I've decided to argue with some man rules concerning women and here is what I have written.

1. The toilet seat. It's simple. I don't like having a wet ass. I don't like having my ass stuck in a toilet at 3 a.m. while half asleep wondering if I'm being eaten. You, on the other hand, have nothing to lose by putting the toilet seat down [unless you're a midget] so fucking PUT IT DOWN!

2. Birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Anniversaries aren't days about presents and all that other bullshit. Most women just want you to, I don't know, see us on those days. Is that so much to ask for? Taking time out of your busy schedule for one day of stopping by.

3. Here's a shocker, a lot of times...women aren't thinking about their guys. Well, at least myself and a few female friends. Our world does not revolve around you and yours should not revolve around us. It's creepy, and unsettling. I'd much rather think about nailing some hot actor than the not-so-amazingly attractive fucker I'm stuck with.

4. Weekends = Parties. You can go out with your friends and drink without me so why can't I? Are you that insecure with yourself and holding so fast to double standards?

5. Don't shave your head. It makes you look weird. I'm sorry a human skull with less than an inch of skin [give or take] on it isn't appealing to me. 

6. Why would I want you to go shopping with me? So you can bitch about any low cut top I'm looking at, and then I see you staring down the cashier's shirt to have a better look at her cleavage? No thanks. I'm fine going it alone.
 
7. I cry. And if you are the reason I'm crying, I have choosen said form of releasing emotion because killing you would result in jail time. You're not worth that.

8. I don't hint. I say what I mean. Apparently, you still seem to think that all women hint at what they want so therefore you toss what I directly mean out the window. We still get no where on that one.

9. Why bother reminding you of my birthday, anniversaries, and other stuff? I may as well just let you know the day of because any reminder beforehand will be entirely forgotten.  

10. Why would a woman ever ask a heterosexual male what shoes should go with her dress? I wouldn't. You can barely dress yourself some days!

11. Yes and no are not perfectly acceptable answers to questions. Especially questions regarding your state of living and breathing. Elaborate a little bit now and then you boring fuck.

12. I'll come to you with a problem when I want to hear the words, "I don't know. Why not call one of your chick friends?" or when I want to be simply ignored, and have to hear your, "I've Been Through It All" speech and suddenly it's all about you and your life story. Thanks for the help.

13. "A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor." Written by some dude. Here is my reply: A headache that lasts for 17 months is indeed a problem. Break up with him and find a better lay.
 
14. As a woman, I have a database full of shit men have said to me. I file them away solely to pull out in an argument. Why don't men like this? They're forced to remember how stupid they sounded 6 months ago. Nobody likes to hear about the promises the broke.

15. If we ask you about weight, you're doomed. We both know that.
 
16. Men have this issue with saying things that can either be interpreted badly or very well. Unfortunately, we tend to lean towards the bad, so I'd suggest working on that elaboration thing we discussed earlier. Or were you not listening as usual?
 
17. When I tell you how to do something, just fucking do it. When I want to know how something's done just teach me. When I require both, it;s called multi-tasking. You can drink beer AND change the channel. Therefore, you can in fact multi-task.
 
18. I'm more than happy to talk during commericals, but I'd like to enjoy the show to...so could you stop trying to explain what we're watching during it. I'm a woman, I'm not blind. 
 
19. You don't need directions, but I'd like to save on gas money. Excuse me for that.

20. The relationships always starts out nice. Doesn't it? I'm sorry that I complain about you suddenly turning into an asshole out of no where when you think I'm not going to leave you. 
 
21. I expect no knowledge of colors from a male UNLESS he is my best gay friend.

22. You love scratching your balls don't you? That's great and all but I'd like to not be the girl standing there with everyone wondering if her boyfriend has herpes or not. 

23. You don't have to read my mind. I never expected that of you. In fact, I can't even read minds yet. *gasp*

24. When I ask you what's wrong, you could also stop answering..."nothing" as well. Grow some balls and actually talk about something that's really bothering you. You're not any more of a man for acting tough about shit, so spill it.
 
25. You can ask me all the questions you don't really want answer to. I'll be more than happy to tell you what I really think or what really happened. Regardless of your punching the wall display at the end of it. And believe it or not, you can tell me shit I don't want to hear as well. I promise I won't sob. Really. 

26. You may say you don't care what I wear, but I'm sure if I wore a sweat suit with shit on it...you'd have wished I spent that extra 5 minutes putting something decent on.
 
27. I don't care what you're thinking about either. Straight and simple. 

28. I like clothes. You like tools. I don't bitch about all the tools you have. 

29. I may have too many shoes, but you have too much body hair. Seriously? Am I sleeping with a bear?

30. I'd watch a horror film any day. Your attendance isn't required. 

31. Taking quizzes together, how about no? I don't enjoy them either. *gasp*

32. Apparently, I can't be fat. So get your lazy in shape.

            I'm in a ranting mood. I'm also feeling extremely anti-social right now so if you find this blog, and are mad I haven't been answering my phone: I'm not in a talking mood right now and I'd appreciate it if you'd respect that. 

             Right now I'm having the biggest, 'I don't know.' going through my head. The biggest warning flags come up, and here I am just staring at them. Just having a nice look at them, saying to myself, "Hm, these are very large and noticable. Yes, they are. Perhaps, it would be wise to stop heading this way now but they are so vivid and nice looking I may just continue to stare for awhile longer." *slaps self* 

             Warnings. I never did pay much mind to them. And this time most likely won't be any different and I can already guarantee myself some sort of emotional pain in the next month or so because I decided to just stare at the pretty flags with very dangerous meanings behind them. 

             And as usual, my depression is creeping back up on me. It's only natural that is does. What would I be without it? A normal, slightly happy person. Psh, like that's in my cards. Nonetheless, the claws are sinking back in. I feel an edge in the back of my mind and I'm wondering how long until I reach it. I'll probably be seeing the doctor this week. *sigh* "Here Niki, have some more pills." "Why thank you, Doctor! What ever would I do without these pills that never help?!" "I don't know Niki, but we'll continue to up the dosage until all of your problems disappear!" "Golly gee, I can't wait! It's not like any doctor hasn't ever tried that before!" *slaps doctor* Sarcasm. What would I do without you? 

              I just don't know what to do. I want out of here for a while. Away from everyone, from everything. But what would truly be the point of that? Because I'd still be there. I can essentially escape everything around me, but I can't escape my head. What a fucking vacation that would be. Not so much.  

             I don't know what I ever did to ask for any of this. And it couldn't have been something in a past life. Jared senses that this is my first life. And it must be because anyone who has lived twice couldn't fuck my life up as much as I have so far lmao It's definitely my first go and it's not going very well haha And if this is my second go, I don't even want to know how badly I *fucked up* my first try. [I don't actually believe in reincarnation but it's a good laugh when I ain't got shit else to laugh about.] 

            I miss Ari so much. =[ *random* But I know he could help me with all of this. He always could. I wish I could hear his voice. I wish he was here still. It still hurts just as bad as the day he died. Nobody has any idea how much I miss him. I don't talk about it ever because I'm scared of bursting out into tears. I can hardly say his name outloud without wanting to roll over and cry. 

            What am I ever to do? I just feel lost. I feel like everybody got this map handed to them at birth, and for some reason I got skipped over. I know this isn't true, and everyone else is just as lost as I am but I still feel that way. I'm just so shocked I've lived this long that I don't know what I do. I didn't plan for this lmao As I've said before, my life estimation was 17. I'm gonna be 20. Didn't see that coming. lmao I know, I'm sure you're asking yourself, "Why the fuck is she laughing about suicide? That is just not funny." Believe me, after all I've been through, you learn to laugh about those things. It's either you laugh about them or you let them drive you literally crazy. So I choose laughter. And before you ask yourself, "Omg, is she considering suicide?!?!?!?!" No. Been there. Done that. I'm just at a very cynical, depressing point in my life but in no way have I any desire to die right now. I may say sarcastically that I do, and my sarcasm is rather hard to catch onto [Many people seem to have issues understanding it. What can I say? I have highly developed sarcasm glands.] but in reality I'm content breathing and such things. 

            Hm, this is very long. BUT I'm still in a ranting to myself mood. What a joy is this conquest in life to figure out who one is! And what better way to establish a heady portion of it than through a myspace blog at 1 am when you having nothing better to do while eating a giant sandwhich and drinking mountain dew. Hell, I'm one fucking philosophical champion at life. Nietzsche, you ain't got shit on me. Alright, well you have several highly influential books, fame, and better word use but you didn't have the internet. And I have no idea what use that is in my "holier than thou" argument but I'll go with it. I seem to be good at just going with things. *sigh* 

            Fuck, how did it come to this? I've got a shield of sarcasm with a dash of cynicism and here I sit wondering if anyone can hear me? Can anyone understand? Can anyone see how beneathe the lie I live everyday? Or more truthfully asked, does anyone care?

I will finally post a rant concerning one of the greatest blunders in music history. The replacement of Tarja Turunen with Anette Olzon in Nightwish.

Nightwish began their career with something most of the world had never heard of: operatic female vocals in metal. The genre they are listed in is Symphonic Power Metal. Tuomas Holopainen, a founder of the band and keyboardist, writes all the music and lyrics for the band. He is an amazing composer and writer. But it truly was Tarja's voice that defined the band. Seriously, if they had a female vocalist like Lita Ford, Doro, or even Anette in the beginning...well there would never be this blog.

Tarja is a classically trained mezzo-soprano that has sung in several operas.

Anette is a lyric soprano more suited for a punk rock band.

WTF TUOMAS? *bitch slap*


Did you guys do LSD and she sucked your cock and you thought you found God? Is that how Anette got in?

You fired Tarja for the sake of Nightwish...and yet you pick a woman who sounds like a screeching cat in labor when singing your old songs? You had to have a vocal coach train Anette just to get the octaves somewhat correct on the old songs as she sung them all too high! WHY BOTHER WHEN YOU COULD HAVE HIRED SOMEONE WHO COULD ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW, SING THE SONGS!!!!!

Not to mention you went from being Symphonic Metal to Disney Pop Rock in the span between Once and Dark Passion Play. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR DARK PASSION RIGHT NOW TUOMAS BUT I'M SUUUUUUUUREEEEE ANETTE DOES!

Seriously, why?


I will continue this later. I am NOT done yet.

I wrote a poem concerning the idea of the subconscious. My psychology professor explained to me that the subconscious mind is made up purely of sex and aggression. I was very intrigued by this. And decided to write a short poem with the idea of a person who understood and embraced their subconscious based on that information..
 
Nature Conquers Nurture

Upon the human mind's primordial nature, I found a seat
Ever the same as it was a millenia before my conception
A sly grin planted across my face as I delved into the constant beat
The rhythm that courses through each and every heart, metaphor of affection
But cruel hands twist and turn the poet's pretty words
Until affection is attraction and lastly pure instinctual predation
Lapping at the pool of hope, I find the human soul stricken and forlorn
Always fearing the uncivilized throne that lies at the root of each being born
The beast will turn upon your hand, it warns to the mind that would listen
My grin turns to laughter, forever following the pulse I find within
The beast would turn against me indeed, but I am the beast as well old friend
Upon the throne I sit, picking away the last threads of morality
And the fangs of mine are stained with the blood of society
Corrupt and foul, my presense is harbored within us all
One day, the gates to my palace will be opened
And your petty, 'refined' human world shall fall

I want to thank you for all the things you've done, for all the things you showed me, all the smiles you gave me, all the insight, all the truth, and for the love you gave me. My mentor, my best friend, and my father figure. I miss you with every bit of my soul, with my whole heart, and with those amazing memories I have in my mind. A year ago today you passed away. For a year I haven't heard your voice or seen you smile. For a year I have cried when I think of you. For a year I've thought of that last thing you told me. For a year I've been desperate to tell you just how much you meant to me. So I'm gonna tell you now and I hope wherever you are you can hear me...

I love you. I was so lucky to have a friend like you by my side. You have the highest level of respect anyone in my life has had and will ever have. No one ever made me smile like you did, even my own boyfriend at the time, couldn't make me feel so appreciated, and so cared about. You don't realize how much I looked up to you. You don't realize how much I cared about you. I would have glady given my life in return for yours to be saved. I mean that. You were the smartest person and the most insightful person I have ever known. You could read people like books...no matter how many walls they had...and I was so jealous that you had that ability. You were almost superhuman to me. It seemed like you could do anything and it was a piece of cake. But I know you had troubles of your own and I did all I could to be there for you when you needed it. I truly trusted you. When I told you stuff I didn't worry for a few seconds before hand..."what if he judges me? what if he goes and tells?" and I've NEVER had that with anyone before. No one will ever live up to you, no one will ever replace you, and I love you with all my heart, isäukko. Thank you SO much. Thank you for every little thing you gave to me. Thank you...I can't say it enough. And I just wish you could be here so I could say this all to your face. It still hurts to this day. And I know I have a lot more days of hurting ahead of me.

Remember Lunatica's "Song for You"? I told you those lyrics completely described how I felt about our friendship and you said, "Pienokainen, you should know I feel the same." I hold that song so fucking close to my heart. And we will stay together all of our days...because you're in my heart and you'll be there forever, isi. Oh, and Janne hasn't fucked up Eetu yet, he's doing a very good job surprisingly. I hope you and Anna are happy wherever you are. I miss you both. Ari, who am I going to build a Viking ship and conquer the world with now?    

You hold my hand when I tremble with fear 
You bring me light when I burst out in tears 
And now I want to thank you, dear, for all the things you've done 
I can't deny that you showed me the right way 

For the light, for the love 
For the truth in your eyes 
I am grateful to have such a friend by my side 
For the tears, for the joy 
For not asking me why 
We can hold our hands up and reach for the sky 

You kept your faith when my words were untrue 
You made me laugh when I was feeling blue 
Always giving, never asking for more than a smile upon my face 
Together we will conquer the whole world  

You don't have to worry 
We'll stay together all of our days 
You can trust in my words, you can rely on me 
And when dark clouds obscure the sky 
I'll be at your side 
Until the weight on your shoulders fades away

                                   Isi, mulla on ikävä sua. Raskatan sua aina. 

If any of you do not know, I am a HUGE Lord of the Rings fan. I am an even bigger fan of the Silmarillion. It is my FAVOURITE book of all time. I have read it six times. I would kill for them to do a movie. Unfortunately, they would have to do about 15 films in order to get it all in. I really wish they would though, no matter, how insane of an undertaking that would be. I swear if they pick a bunch of UGLY elves like they did for LOTR....Elrond played by Hugo Weaving? SERIOUSLY! ELVES [by Tolkien's standards] ARE MEANT TO BE MUCH MORE PHYSICALLY APPEALING THAN HUMANS??? I know they needed good actors, and Hugo is indeed good...but Legolas and Haldir and Arwen were about it for attractive. Also, WHERE THE FUCK WHERE ELLADAN AND ELROHIR?? They had like two small scenes. In the book, they road to battle on the Pelennor Fields and where like Aragorn's shadows. But Arwen got to replace Glorfindel's ride to save Frodo??? Nonetheless, Jackson did a fucking phenomenal though and that's all I really have to complain about. So he kicked some ass. But they really should give me millions upon millions of dollars to do The Silmarillion. I would nail it chapter by fucking chapter.

Honestly, I want the Silmarillion done just for the tale of Fëanor and the Silmarils. Fëanor is my favourite character out of all the ones in Tolkien's Middle Earth. He's a fucking badass.

"The eldest son of Finwë, and half-brother to Fingolfin and Finarfin, Fëanor was accounted the greatest of the Deep Elves. He burned with a fiery spirit, from which he took his name, though he had at first been known as Curufinwë. Such was his strength of spirit that his mother Míriel passed on to the Halls of Awaiting after his birth.

In Valinor his achievements were unparalleled. Learning much craft from Mahtan, the father of his wife Nerdanel, he created gems and jewels with astonishing properties, including lamps that glowed with their own light, and the palantíri that could see over vast distances. He was also a scholar of note, and invented the letters that carried his name. Most famously of all, he captured the light of the Two Trees themselves, within three lustrous jewels made of silima that came to be known as the Silmarils."


He later challenges the Valar, makes a horrific oath, kills a bunch of the Teleri...leaves Valinor for Middle Earth and makes war upon Morgoth. He dies though =(


No idea who or what the Valar are? What the oath was about? Who the fucking hell were the Teleri and what and where is Valinor? Read the Silmarillion...the Lord of the Rings makes so much more sense once you have read that. You understand what Sauron is and where he came from. Where Gandalf came from and what he really is...you learn all about Elrond's heritage and Aragorn's bloodline. Not too mention some awesome battles and amazing characters. In fact, you learn the entire history of Middle Earth. From Eru creating the Valar up until The Hobbit takes place.

I apologize for this. I am SUCH a nerd lol [Currently reading the Silmarillion for the 7th time. LOL] I also want the complete soundtracks to all three of the LOTR movies. lol

I am deeply excited for The Hobbit being filmed right now. ^_^

Seriously though, Tolkien in my opinion wrote THE greatest, most detailed, most influential story of all time. And he died before he could write more =( Damn it. Thank god his son has plundered through all his shit though and put out the Silmarillion, and all the other books concerning Tolkien's world.

[Don't judge me LOL]

P.S. I love Fëanor more than I have ever loved Prince Nuada and Legolas. I'm such a sad case.

ODE TO A SNAIL


I am EASILY amused. The most trivial things amaze the shit out of me. Little did I know what horrors this would bring into a small creatures life.


It was a couple months ago when I saw a snail on the side of my house, well two actually. I was filled with glee that they had chosen MY house to be on. I'd never really seen snails before and they are such an intriguing sight. A mucusy blob with a shell on top of it. What was supposed to be just a quick glance at them turned into a half hour "watch the snail move a whole 5 inches" stare down. I eventually grew bored with just looking at them. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I have to touch EVERYTHING. I have learned over the years it's a wretched impulse and sometimes a rewarding impulse.

After watching the larger of the snails for a half hour, I decided I wanted to pick him up. I couldn't help my urge to touch the poor thing. It SHOULD have been simple: detach the snail from the siding and play with him. Fate would not have it to be so. =(


Instead, Mr. Snail had a very firm suctiony grip on the siding of my house and I ripped his shell off on accident!!! I was in a crouched position with the little bugger's house/shield/partofhisbody in my fingers going..."AH! NOOOO! WHAT I HAVE DONE?!?!" In a panic, I decided that his mucusyness could possibly act as a glue like substance. So I tried to stick it back on him. It was to no avail, and I think I did more damage than aid. I was kind of crushing his shell into his poor body and shoving him into the siding. He probably shat out his intestines after that. I was VERY upset though. He was oozing this maple syrup fluid from his back and that was when I glanced around, threw the shell, and ran inside.

I went outside later and could not find him. I'm pretty sure he snailed off to his agonizing death. (what it is that snails do? They do not slither and nor do they crawl.) I felt horrible though, I just wanted to pick him up. The poor thing lost his home and his life all in one day just because I could not resist "MUST TOUCH" urge. I named him Clarence. Poor Clarence.

I hope he found a nice place to die at least. I have yet to see another snail on my house again =(