I can't help but notice that I'm accumulating MySpace friends...yet I don't even know who some of them are. Sure...I get 200 requests per month for some fucking fake MySpace whore who's telling me "I live in Arizona and I'm waiting for you to come hump me right this second." But I'm not talking about those ones...I'm talking about the real people who are on my friends list...you know who you are!

Well...come on and post something. Or send me an email or something. I'm currently sick as fuck and I could use the light reading. Ya, that's right...I only have time to blog when I feel like someone beat my head in with a pole.

Which reminds me to bitch about how much I hate "the common cold." What the fuck! Why can't we cure this shit? There's no way in hell you can tell me some jackass can figure out how to collide two atoms together to produce a nuclear reaction...yet we can't fucking cure some virus? This shit should be old news. I should be able to buy a fucking computer program that gets rid of my cold at this point! Why are we so behind the curve?

Ohhhhh...wait...you mean people make money on the fact that I'm non-fatally sick? I get it...that's fucking brilliant! Why didn't I think of that! Assholes!!! I'm surprised that they haven't told us to start drinking OIL as a cure for everything that ails us! Combined with sales tax, medicine made of oil might just make Bush rich enough to start mining Iron out of the earth's core. Take that earth day!

Anyway...I'm going back to bed...cause I'm sick, and I hate the world.

OK, I have tons of shit to talk about still...but holy god, I'm busy as shit. Let me off for about another week or so...then I'll start blogging again.

Also...I am now working for GoDaddy. More on that later =).

Sorry about the "no blogging" thing =(. I swear I'll start blogging again as soon as possible...I realize EVERYONE and their fucking mother loves reading about my stupid-ridiculous life.

As a teaser...I'll tell you that I just bought a piece of furniture which is 8 feet wide and 7 feet tall. It's a sexy mother...and I'm going to hump it later this weekend.

Actually, I think I have a ton of shit to blab about...so I'll get back into the grove and entertain you people!

P.S. Thank you for all the birthday love...now FORGET MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY...cause I'm not celebrating it EVER!

I would like to take this opportunity to formally propose to you, Rachael Ray - the love-able, hug-able, super fucking hot TV cooking lady. I know that nobody really saw this one coming...but I feel it's time I settle down with a super fucking hot TV cooking lady like yourself.

I've been masturbating to this box of Sociables for way too long...without a commitment. This has to end! I must confess my love for you now, before someone else does!

Wait?? Are you already married? God, I hope not! If so...I feel really bad about all the dirty thoughts I've had. I mean, think of the messy food sex! "Hey Rachael...want to fuck over in that studio-sized pile of guacamole?"

Well either way...you should devote your life and food preparation skills to me! We will be forever happy in our beautiful house made of crackers and hot sex. You can teach me your "Entertaining Recipes" and in turn I will teach you how to fail at life. It will be a wonderful and symbiotic relationship.

Please don't look down on me for using the Internet as a tool to profess my love...I just needed the world to know what you and you're oily crackers mean to me! Seriously...do they fry these things? It feels like the Exxon Valdez happened inside my bag?? Alas, never mind my cracker issues...let's simply focus on your hotness!

Rachael, you are my sun, my moon, my pork chop, and my cupcakes. You make every day smell like a freshly cut cherry pie. I hope you know you mean the world to me...and that I dream of you every time I eat.

So if you want to marry me, or date me, or just fly around the country to have food-sex with me...umm e-mail me or something.

Good night my sweet cheesecake!

P.S. - People, I'm not on drugs...I'm just bored. As a matter of fact, I'm not even drinking. I'm just naturally this fucked up!

I can't stand looking at that damn picture of myself. It looks like I just pulled a dick out of my mouth or something. What the fuck kind of face is that??

I'm going to stick the flower up there for a little while...deal with it!

I've recently come to realize that I have no female friends. I mean...I have some fantastic female best friends in Ohio...but nobody here in Arizona. Because of this, I've started wondering if that is exactly what I need to balance myself out.

When I lived in Ohio...I was a bitter, angry, pile of hate...but, I had a girl friend (not girlfriend) to settle my ass down. She put up with all of my insane ranting and bitching...and somehow, in the end I always felt a little better. I could go to dinner with her...I could watch a movie with her...I could get drunk off of my ass and sleep on her floor. She tolerated all of my faults, and shitty comments. She would listen to me complain for hours on end...and still talk to me the next day.

Women add this element to conversation that men don't even have. I don't know what it is...call it emotion, or caring, or female mind fuck. Whatever it is, it's so insanely comforting. Like a huge weight is lifted off of my chest every time I open up and start talking to the opposite sex.

Because of this, I am now taking applications for "Farina's Arizona Female Best Friend Forever." FAFBFF for short. If you feel you "fit the bill" please contact me as soon as possible. I will be taking applications until January 25th...since I will need to select my FAFBFF before my birthday. (It's not that I celebrate my birthday...it's just that I'm really depressed for it.)

Applicants should meet or exceed the following criteria:

• Moderate to High-Level Experience with alcohol consumption
• Opinionated and free thinking - comfortable with speaking her mind
• Tolerant of sexist, racist, religionist comments.
• Very tolerant of dry humor...or not funny humor...or that kind of humor that is funny because it's so terribly not funny.
• Willing to fill a girlfriend-like role, without actually being a girlfriend:
  1. Attends events with Farina
  2. Goes hiking, climbing, dancing, shopping...all that gay shit I like
  3. Allows me to pay at nice restaurants
  4. Enjoys cuddling on the couch while watching a movie (optional)
• Loves animals
• Loves bulleted lists
• Aids in the quest to find Farina some sex
• Available anywhere from 20-90% of an average week.

Optional bonus criteria:

• A bit pushy and controlling. Willing to smack me out of a funk
• Willing to drive some nights when we go out
• Willing to split the bill or adhere to the "You got the bill last time" system.
• Likes to trade back-rubs...and doesn't think they are romantic
• Lesbians...make AWESOME female friends
• Actually, those kinds of girls that will have sex with you...but aren't dating you...those are fucking sweet friends too.
• So I guess either of those previous bullets would be great

To apply, please send your resume to Farina ASAP. You will be required to attend at least one dinner during the interview process.

If you refer a selected FAFBFF, you may be eligible to receive a "finders fee." Terms and conditions may vary. 

Let's face it...my whole ex-girlfriend situation has been a thorn in my side. I can't help but think about it. Maybe I'm a girly-man, maybe I'm too emotional, quite possibly I don't have what it takes...but I think about her. I even have dreams about us. I mean FUCK! We lived together for 3 years...how can you not think about that person? At one time, I thought she might be "The one." Granted I was ultimately wiser...I still had that emotional bond.

So when you hear about her engagement to the "next piece of meat" she's dating...you get a little upset. I'll come 100% clean...I'm a little jealous. I mean...I fucking loved this girl. I carried her through everything. I comforted her ALWAYS. I moved 2000+ miles to help her through her job transition. I raised her spirit when she lost her job. I CONSTANTLY tried to comfort and console her. And what do I get? "Pay me half of the equity of our house...and I'm going to marry the next fuckers I date."

I've never told a woman I loved her! Not until Jen...I've always been a cold/controlled son of a bitch. Jen finally cracked that...and I really did love her. I worked so hard; even though in the end I failed...I still cared for her deeply. As you can imagine...when my roommate (who I know through her...long story) tells me about her engagement...I'm hurt. I shit you not...I could almost cry. I know that's weak...I know men can't cry...but fuck you, I've been drinking.

So I need to move through this. I've moved on with so much more...I can do this, it's really nothing. However, in the end it hurts. I feel like I just need to type about the good times. I'll never forget the look on her face when I said I loved her...or the times I came to visit Phoenix when she was all alone. I'll never forget her father telling me that he was so happy when she started dating me...how I was such a wonderful boyfriend for his daughter (which is the biggest honor in the world).

Everything about the situation makes me want to punch through a brick wall! I don't know why. I'm over her...right? It's been more than a year...I'm done with all of that! But I'm still sad...still weak...I don't get it!

It's at this moment...when I'm intoxicated beyond reason...when I'm at my lowest point...that I give you the honest truth...I'm sad. I want to burry my head in a hole. My whole shaved...gay looking head.

I wish life was different. I wish amazing women...with all sorts of genius and creativity loved me. I wish I could meet sarcastic, beautiful, intelligent women all of the time. I wish I wouldn't have failed at my only quality relationship. I need to learn from this. I need to figure out how to meet EXACTLY what I want...but it's just so hard!

So I guess...in my state of drunkenness...I'll say to you, I'm sad. I'm really sad...I know that's stupid, but fuck off! I feel as if I've been so "blessed" with whatever job-worthy intellect I have...but so cursed with my ability to find true happiness. I truly thought that money equaled happiness...but in the end...I'm wrong. I have plenty of one...and none of the other =(.

OK, before everyone starts to get depressed....let me leave you with this. Two guys walk into a bar...Guy #1 says to the bartender "I'll take a dirty martini." Guy #2 says "I'll take a slutty martini." The bartender say "You know....I know what a dirty martini is...but what's a slutty martini?" Guy #2 says..."I don't know...farina just made this up, cause he's drunk...and listening to John Mayer...and mostly unhappy at the moment." I know that isn't a funny joke. But you just read it...and that's fucking hysterical to me!

 Good night!

I shaved off my beard to satisfy the masses...I'm freezing my face off now! My baby smooth skin is ice cold, and personally I think I look like some kind of idiot.

So far, I've had mostly positive feedback. However 90% of the feedback came from men...so I guess if it doesn't make me look good to the ladies, I've got an optional gay thing going. Plus, you can never really know if people are serious when they say "I like it" or "You look less ugly." Generally people are too big of pussies to say what they actually think.

I'd love to take a picture and get some online reviews...but I just don't feel like getting my camera out. I'll see if I can get something this weekend. Just trust me...I look like I just lost about 8 years.

OK, I'm sure everyone knows how much I LOATH MySpace...but these Match.com ads they have plastered all over it are making me fucking mental! I TRY to keep my mouth shut...and not go ape shit crazy every time I see something like this...but this is the final straw.

If you don't know what kind of ads I'm talking about...log into MySpace for two seconds. They are flash based advertisements with a mock Internet camera. They look like some poor, innocent girl is just browsing Match.com with nobody to love her. Boo hoo...that poor sweet innocent thing. Of course...don't mind that she just got out of the fucking shower, and she's in the act of drying herself. O wait...her fucking roommate is there too?? O my, they are both so cute...Awe!!! O my...they are eating suckers?? O my god...that is so hot...they are sucking those suckers so seductively. O my god...let me just sign in and meet both of them!

GOD...I want to stick a hot poker in my goddamn eyeball! I'm guessing the only normal women you will ever meet on Match.com exist after you're done fucking your way though a pile of lying fat whores who think their high school picture from 10 years ago looks "exactly" like they look today.

ARGHHHHH! Please someone watch one of these ads and tell me I'm not crazy! Maybe they are different for girls...I wonder if MySpace puts little movies of guys up there for the women. If they do...let me be the first to tell you...guys on Match.com either look like me, or they are busy living in their parents basements! Don't believe this shit!

I made a revelation today...it goes something like this: I am a very cunning linguist, and I seem to be fairly entertaining to most people I meet. This helps me entertain members of the opposite sex. Now a normal man would be able to use that skill to then sleep with as many women as possible...but oh no...not me! Instead I use that skill to end up not doing anything with anyone.

Now there are a variety of reasons why I can never "convert" my conversations into relationships or sex...most starting with my physical appearance...however for a second, let us pretend that isn't an issue. With that out of the way, I tend to think it comes back to a combination between my Catholic upbringing and my pile of neuroses. In an effort to simplify, I'll just blame it on my ex-girlfriend.

As most relationships go, you tend to have a lot of sex (at least in the beginning) and mine was no different. But then all of a sudden...say two years in...she stops jumping on me, and expects me to jump on her.

I consider myself a fairly assertive man...maybe not with relationships, but that's another story. I typically have my entire life in control and planned out as best as possible. However, when it comes to women...I'm like a little kid, just waiting for someone to tell me what to do. I don't know why this is...but I'll continue to psychoanalyze myself publicly for your entertainment.

After two or more years of dating a woman who basically humped my leg when I got home from work...I've become sort of wussy. I find that I go out of my way to try and get women to ask me out...or take control. Now I realize this is not the typical socially assigned role, but I've grown accustom to this type of woman.

That brings me to my point...I need to find a woman who will just rape me when she's interested in me! OK, that's not really the point, but that would be great...the real point is that I need to TRY my best to become more assertive in social situations. So if you're a woman...and I know you...don't be surprised if I just start making out with you randomly.

OK, so it's xmas now...and I'm in a bottle of wine, and a full case of guniusses...however the fuck you spell that. I'm fucked up with some xmas cheer...and I'm kind of dizzy too.

O ya, I just watched Mission Impossible III and I'd have to say...it's pretty cool. I think the girl who is Tom Crusiesssies's wife is hot as balls! I think sh'es the father of the bride chick and if that is the case she's been hot for like 10 years I think.

She's not like over the top hot...she looks like a regular person...which is why she's super hot hotty pants hot. Ya, I think I could think that she is SOME kind of hot. O ya, and did I mention the movie was pretty good.

I bet at thisp point you don't even know what I'm saying...but that's becasue I'm drunkenist I've ever been...ok, I faked that part I can't type drunker without being drunk...I just thought it sounded pretty funny. I even did you all the favor of not trying to undo the typos in this...so you could laugh at my drunkenisity...AHHHHHH! I'm typing with my eyes colosed...and that can show you how fucking sweet I am even drunk with my eyes closed I can type like at least, hmmm I would da wait what was that??? I I wanted to say SAY...wow, eye's still closed! Ya, I'm a typing lord. They used to call me lord of the typing but then I guess typing wasn't as coool as rings or something. Can you believe I'm still typing with my eyes closed? I seriously drank like a gallon of liquor...wow I think I typed that bad...you get the point.

So, I guess Marry Xmas to everyone who is not sleeping...and I will talk to some of you at some point later when I'm not drinking....wooooooooooooo. Maybe I'll take a picture! God! That seems hard...I wdon't want to get the camera out....I thikn I'm going to sleep in this room now...casuase I'mn tired all of a sudden...

Marry xmas...this is what you have to look forward to kids! Drunken lonly xmases iwth your dog!

In case you are wondering what someone as "unique" as me does for Xmas...here it is. Nothing! Yep...I'm spending Xmas with myself...and I must say, to date this is the best company I've ever had!

I wish all of you could be here to enjoy my happy holiday...however the second you got here, I'm sure my day would go back to sucking. I'm not saying I loath any of you...it's more like, I don't like any of you as much as I like me. Let's face it...who else can put up with me, better than me? Exactly!

So also, I've kind of been drinking for the last 4 hours...that makes things a lot better. If you're reading this, and you don't drink...I'd recommend starting as soon as possible. Drinking will make your life complete. Also you should start a steady drug habit...make it a New Years resolution!

So other than that...I think I'm going to go drink more...and watch a movie or something. Actually I was just watching that "40 days and 40 nights" movie where Josh Heartnet (sp?) decides he's going to be celibate for 40 days. I have to say...WHAT AN ASSHOLE! This fucking cock sucker has to make a goddamn movie about how much pussy he gets?? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously...if I wasn't drinking I'd drive my ass to his fucking house and kick him in the nuts.

I fucking LOVE how like 2 days into it, this jerkoff is acting like someone just put a tie-wrap (that's the thing that clicks when you pull the it through the one end) around the end of his penis. Like he's in pain...because he can't have sex. RIGHT! What a dicklicker! Let me tell you from fucking experience that no sex does not cause you physical pain...granted it does:

• Increase your chances of getting testicular cancer
• Raise your blood pressure
• Cause mild to extreme depression
• Make your penis smaller
• Cause weight gain
• Shorten your life span
• Cause insomnia
• Cause you to grind your teeth
• Make you bat-shit crazy
• Many other harmful side effects

If you don't believe any particular one of those...look them up...cause they are all true.

Anyway...back to this asshole "Heartnet" and his choice of movie roles. This bastard has to know that the typical, home by themselves drinking, type of guy NEVER gets to have sex. Never ever...nerver! So for him to pick-up a role where he's acting like a guy who has a HARD time stopping sex for 40 days...well that makes him a complete dick. He is basically telling society that men should have so many chances to have sex that it's fucking hard for for them to stop. If that's true, someone shoot me.

Anyway...I need more booze, cause my holiday spirit meter is dropping thinking about this fucking "Cry...I get too much sex movie." I'm going to crack into the vodka. Maybe I'll be back when I'm more irate. Also I need to change this fucking smiling ass picture of myself! I am not that fucking happy...and I can't stand that fucking looking at me while I'm typing. It just keeps reminding me that I have freckles. 

Certain people might tell me...don't be so sexist...don't turn all of your anger toward women...don't undermine them with every shred of your existence. To those people I say "I'm Done!" I'm 100% giving up. Done with desire...done with dreams...done with women in the most complete way possible.

Why the sudden change you ask? Well...first off...it's not sudden. From the time I first gained interest in women till now...they have been the bane of my soul. Every time I turn around...some fucking bitch is playing with my head, playing with my heart, or playing with my money. Well I'm here to tell you that this absolutely ends now!

The story...it's yet another WONDERFUL chapter in my pathetic life. I'll make it short...seeing as how certain people in the story could be reading the story...and I wouldn't want the world to know who they are. It goes something like this...boy goes to a party, boy meets a girl, boy talks to girl for 12 hours straight, boy FINALLY decides he really likes girl, girl's roommate tells boy "ask her out," boy calls, girl decides she's going to get back together with her boyfriend...who didn't exist the night before.

I really thought I had grown through this! I thought I had constructed an impenetrable wall, whereas nobody could get to me. I literally tell myself every night "You will never meet someone...you will never lead that type of life." I train myself to be emotionally cold...and this GIRL breaks down my fortress in no time flat. I really don't know what to say! Yet again I've failed at protecting myself. This woman walked right in...stood on my heart and took a shit.

I know you're thinking that I'm some kind of wuss...falling for this person so quickly and easily. I tend to think this myself. However I can tell you, out of hundreds of women I've known in my life...only twice have I stayed up all night talking and laughing. Only twice have I felt so...happy to be talking to a woman. The first time...I dated her for 3.5 years...the second, well you're reading it.

All I can tell you is that relationships are utter bullshit. Life is utter bullshit. The only thing that matters is YOU. Let my words be your guide and build your walls!