Taken from:
Craig's List
courtesy of Jenn-o-cide


"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"
Date: 2007-11-19, 3:52AM PST

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

* Location: LA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 483318927

Shit faced drunk, sitting alone by myself in a dark room watching Bad Santa.
Yeah, I really needed to go to my mom's house inhabited by 25 relatives to do this.... :/

Other highlights of the night:

Laying on the floor with my eyes shut in the living room, only to be awakened by hearing a small boy announce the words "Power Ranger!" I opened my eyes just in time for him to club me in the crotch with a plastic sword.

"You know what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful that I'm not a skanky sack of shit like you, mom!" - My sister, directed at my mother.

Being asked "Where's _____?" about a girl I'm not even dating.
When I replied "I don't know where she's at. She's not my girlfriend", I was answered with a disgusted look and told "That's why you'll never be married!"

Someone not paying attention to what the group of little kids (all like 3-7 years old) were watching on the tv, resulting in their traditional Christmas viewing of Grey's Anatomy followed by Braveheart.

My niece, Danelle, approaching the dinner table saying "Mamma! Mamma!" and when my sister asked, "What, baby?" Danielle beamed proudly as she announced "FucK!" to the dinner table.




Oh and for those who keep asking:

M.O.A.B.
(The Mother of All Bombs - taken from Irish Car Bomb & etc)

Needed:
Tall beer glass
Shot Glass
Top Shelf Irish Whiskey
Irish Creme (or cream, dependent on the spelling choice of the manufacturer)
One bottle of Guinness beer

Preparations:
Take your tall beer glass & fill it up 1/3 of the way with top shelf Irish Whiskey.
Add 1/3 glass Irish Creme
Fill up your shot glass with Guinness beer
Drop the shot glass of Guinness into your tall glass of Irish Whiskey & Creme
Slam the entire concoction as you would a normal puny shot.
Chase the glass by slamming the remainder of the bottle of Guinness in one chug.

Congratulations!
You've just drank a M.O.A.B.
And you will likely lose consciousness within the next 5 steps.

Its a little known eccentricity of mine that I don't drive.
Well, not necessarily don't drive, more like I drive abysmally.
I'm like the apocalypse on wheels.

Here's a painstakingly accurate re-enactment of my first driving test, from the moment that I was told to pull out of the parking lot:

Me at the wheel: A Re-enactment


People always think I exaggerate this, until they ride with me in a car and find themselves hurtling down the wrong way on the freeway or something like that.

Seriously, I got a 65 in a 25 ticket and got into an accident during behind the wheel training.

But apparently the state of California is in such a shite state of affairs, that they now let you get docked 15 times on a test before failing you... meaning that even a blind, drunken monkey on LSD could get licensed to drive in this state.

And so did I.

Make sure you're insurance is all paid up.

I work like three blocks from home, so I tend to hoof it to and from.
A little bit of walking never killed anybody, especially a fat ass like me.
So I leave a mind numbing day at work.
A day that entailed a co-worker arguing that there are 53 states in "the America" and Vermont is not one of them.
That same person decided to vote for McCain based soully on finding his website easier to navigate than Obama's. I don't really care who you vote for, but come on, at least have a better reason that "I don't want to read all this shit. McCain's was like 3 sentences."
This was topped off by having some white-trash, Kid Rock wanna-be chase down people trying to start fist fights in the parking lot, yelling "Yes on 8!" and calling them cocksuckers, unprovoked and at complete random.
Meanwhile his 2 bastard pre-teen trailer spawn were inside the store berating their smoking hot mother, at one point reaching back to backhand her for questioning if said child owned a gameboy or a gameboy advance. I should also add that said brat was talking on a cel phone the whole time and that the aforementioned mother, while hot at first glance was an ill mannered doormat, making her considerably less attractive upon closer observation.
So I leave the store and I'm thinking "Thank fucking Christ this election is over. I won't have to deal with all of those Prop 8 wackos holding their little two way celebration of bigotry and intolerance (both toward religious kooks and toward hippies & gays).
Then a couple hundred feet from the intersection, I start hearing horns honking and screaming...
I turn the corner around Walgreens, taking a moment to step over a drunken hobo sprawled out across the sidewalk, drunker than a skunk, and see them.
Hundreds of assholes shouting at each other. Waving signs. Stepping out into the street and blocking traffic.
I can hear the obnoxious chants of "No on Hate!" "Love Doesn't Discriminate!" followed by shrill "WOOOOOO!!!!"s. While mildly annoying, these are nothing compared to the eloquent, well thought out counter arguments of "Fucking faggots!" "Jesus hates Queers!" "You're going to hell, fucking cocksuckers!". I'm no religious expert, by any means, but I must have missed that book in the bible where Jesus was preaching to his followers about hating people who don't agree with him.
So, with my best Bad Santa internal monologue of "Oh god damn it...", I make my way to the intersection.
I start to hear a little voice behind me calling out "No on discrimination!" "No on discrimination!". In my peripheral vision, I catch a glimpse of this girl with a "No on 8" sign, skipping a few steps behind me.
It doesn't bother me or anything. I mean, I guess its kind of cool that people could get that fired up about anything.
Seriously, if there were a ballot measure for "Vote yes on Aaron or we're going to shoot him in the fucking head.", I'd still be like "Well, yeah, I suppose I'm probably going to vote yes and everything, but I really have better shit to do than go out there disrupting traffic with fucking signs and shit."
I just I don't get that fired up about anything. If a stranger handed me a briefcase with a hundred million dollars in it, I'd still be like (monotone) "Thanks, man." and that's about it.
I just don't understand how people can get so fired up about this kind of shit.
Especially when people are getting their heads blown off in Iraq and Afghanistan every day & our economy is on the verge of collapse and people are like "whatever" but then suddenly they're all like "What? They're gonna let fags get married?! Get your fucking torches and pitchforks!"
I'm just like "This initiative doesn't effect me at all, and even if it did, I've got more important shit to do than act like an asshole." I don't know about you, but the last way to sway my opinion on a subject is to just annoy the fuck out of me until I want to crack you in the head with a pipe. It's like "well, I didn't care before, but now that you've annoyed and inconvenienced me, I see your point." Good luck with that.
So anyway, this girl is coming up behind me yelling "No on 8" stuff, and I realize we are moving right toward about 100 "Yes on 8" religious fanatics.
I shove my way through the loonies trying to get to the button to hit for the crosswalk. Some pretty-boy High School Musical wannabe gets in my face, trying to stare me down. I just roll my eyes at him. I've got 150 lbs on him and I can assume he's going to be much more concerned about getting his face mangled up than I am.
After a second, I realize, he's not staring me down. He's staring us down. The girl had slid in beside me and was waving her sign, yelling at the sea of opposition.
I look over at her, kind of like "and you are?"
She yells over the crowd "These kids are so pathetic! They don't even know what they're protesting about!"
I agreed with her. I mean, seriously, there were 8 year olds waving signs and yelling, calling people buttfuckers. I seriously doubt they had any idea what was going on, other than "these people pissed off mom, dad, and Jesus".
We're talking there for a second and suddenly that backstreet boy looks back again and starts screaming at the girl, calling her a cunt and shouting religious nonsense.
Before I can get so much as a thought in, she counters "You fucking people don't even know why you're here! Mommy and daddy just dragged you here and gave you signs! I grew up in a gay household! This guy gets me! He's going to fuck you up!"
I think to myself "moi?!"
So this douchebag rears back, like he is going to take a swing at this little blonde, who is 5 foot nothing, maybe 95lbs.
This cop comes out of nowhere and gets in my face. He's got the voice, stance and intensity of a white Sgt Doakes from Dexter. "We got a problem here?"
I'm like "Seriously? An angry mob is about to jump me & this little girl and you're going to get in my face about it?"
He turns around and starts talking to Marky Mark, there, as we get the go hand from the crosswalk.
So I'm crossing the road and notice out of the corner of my eye that I've got my little sidekick in tow. She's still waving her sign in the face of the opposition and provoking them.
We get to the other side. One cross down, one more to go.
I'm standing slightly in the street, because the Jesus freaks won't let me stand on the curb.
After a moment, I hear the girl call to me. "Did you hit the button, babe?"
I do a double take. This girl is talking to me.
She asks me to hit the crossing button for us so we can get across. "They won't let me in." she adds.
I shove my way up through the bible thumpers, hit the button, and make my way back to the curb.
When I tell her I hit the button, she exclaims a little "Yay" and hops up, kissing me on the mouth. I'm dumbstruck... no idea what is going on... Did I have a girlfriend that I was somehow completely unaware of?
As we're crossing the street, she reaches over to hand me her sign and asks me to stay with her to protect her.
I'm like "I'm just trying to go home.". She shoots me these pouty, puppy eyes and goes "pleeeease".
Anyone who knows me halfway decently knows how well I hold up to a girl giving me the "pleeeease" eyes....

"Well, I really think that the part of Nixon should be played by a guy."
"Pleeeease???"
"Well, shit, I guess if Cate Blanchett can play Bob Dylan... It could work."

So I make her hold the sign and I'm not really vocal, but I'm standing there, being her muscle, shielding her from the fanatics.
She tried to get me to chant along, and wave the sign, but it was all kind of half ass...
"God hates gays... Gays hate god... Come... uh... son of... Jor El... Kneel before... Zod?"
You know? Its just one of those things where I've got nothing. Call me selfish or self serving, but if I don't care either way, its hard to get lyrical and motivated.

After about 15 minutes, during one of the convergences of people who were crossing the street through our position she and I got separated.
I looked around for her for about 5 minutes and being the devoted guy that I am, shrugged and turned and continued along my way home.

And that, is the weird, wacky tale of my 15 minutes shanghai'd into protesting by a random pretty face.

So, I've been getting a lot of the same questions from people, so I figured I would throw up a FAQ, so people can look to it for the basics before messaging me. I'll add more as I have time.

Q) I want you to make a video for our band. How much do you charge?
A) It doesn't really work like that. Tell me how much you have to spend, what you're looking for conceptually, and come up with a Rodriguez List (list of free resources you can beg borrow and steal, be it locations, props, gear, etc) , and I'll figure out how feasible it is.
If you want to jump out of an airplane with a camera crew and play the song while you plummet to the ground, finally splatting into the ground and having your instruments destroyed on impact, but have $40 to spend, we're going to have to rethink things a little.
Another thing to take into consideration is "How soon do you want it completed?".
If there are a few dozen cg shots and you've got no money for post, you might be waiting 6 months while we do the effects in our spare time. Toss in a few grand, and we can take time off from our day jobs and have it to you in a matter of a week or two.
That being said, I'm pretty approachable and always open to hearing out ideas & making them work.

Q) I hear you're a really good editor. Will you edit my film?
A) I'm not an editor. I'm an artist. That may sound pretentious, but that's my feeling on the subject. I'm not some auto mechanic churning out films in repetition in a day job. I'm a filmmaker who happens to be an amazing editor.
Does that mean I won't do your film? Not necessarily. Just be prepared that when it comes to editing, I can get moody, controlling, and will have no problem looking at footage that I think is shit, sliding it back to you and telling you to shoot it again.
That being said, if a performance is stellar and the footage looks awful, I do have the means to relight, re-white balance, re-color, and pretty much reshoot the footage from my computer. I can digitally morph their face to make them say and do what I want in a pinch and I can comp people into shots who weren't even there on set.
Its just really time consuming, so if its not amazing footage, I'll probably tell you to go shoot it again.
I also have no patience for "You can't cut that scene. My niece is in it." or "I told that chick her line would stay in because she gave me head." I DON'T CARE.
I've compromised too many times in the past, letting a clunky mess slide to appease some soulless director that lacks vision.
If the scene has nothing to do with anything, I don't care if your friend does a really good Robert Deniro impersonation in your student film. There's a good chance I will cut it.
I also have no problem walking away if you still try my patience after repeated warnings.
That being said, if we're on the same page, I've been known to go 10 days without sleep, working round the clock to get a film done on time.
Also, phrases to avoid while having me edit for you:
"I know it won't look as good, but...."
"No one but you will be able to tell. It's not like there are going to be other editors in the audience."
"I was thinking we could just go back and do it with CGI."
"We can just ADR that, right?"
"We just decided to shoot it all on green screen."
Also, don't market yourself to me. If you're footage is good, I fucking know it already. If its a piece of shit, I know that, too. No amount of bragging to me that you think its the best film I will have ever touched is going to make it true.
Anyway, if you've read that and still want me to edit your film, you're pretty fucking brave. I think we'll probably get along fine.

Q) Will you DP my film?
A) It never hurts to ask. DP is one of those things that I am pretty good at, but hate doing. Like accounting.
Could I balance your checkbook for you?
Yes.
Will I?
Um, why? Can't you get someone else to do it?
I don't even DP my own stuff. I prefer going off the monitor.
But if I owe you a favor and you ask nicely, I'd probably cave and do it.

Q) Do you guys ever need help on your shoots?
A) Absolutely! Now we're talking. The more the merrier! Send me your contact info and your skills/experience and I'll keep you posted whenever we shoot. Even if you don't have experience, we can find something for you to do. PA, Still Photography, Extra, whatever. Just don't goof off and get in the way.
Just remember that whatever position I place you in, you are representing me. If I send you to a house to scout a location. Don't fucking show up drunk and puke on their lawn.

PS: If any of you are reading this and suddenly taking offense going "Hey, he's talking about me!", its nothing personal.
No doubt, you were already aware of how pissed off you made me, then. I'm just making sure any newbies know that shit's not going to fly.

My very own The Secretions "That Kind of Girl".

Check it out on the Sounds of Sac section of KWOD's website.


http://www.kwod.net/pages/2646939.php

So tonight we premiered the Secretions new music video "That Kind of Girl" at the Sac Music Seen program as part of the Sac Film & Music Festival.

Not to sound too full of myself, but we f*%in' rocked the house.
At one point, I thought the sound mix was screwed up because the screaming that I mixed into the video was drowning out the music, until I realized that the screams I was hearing were coming from people in the Crest Theatre. An awesome feeling.

I'm still baffled as to why the Lanefilm Ltd logo always gets as big of a reaction as it does. Its pompous and funny, but yeah, people just go nuts for it...

I'd like to thank everybody that came out and showed their support.

Danny Secretion, Paul Filthy, and Mickie Rat
Without you guys, there'd be no video. Need I say more. The shoot was a blast, so was the screening. I can't wait to do this again sometime.

Adam Sartain
Thanks for making the trip down to the screening, and for helping lend your voice to the shoot. Always a pleasure seeing you.

Crystal Case
For being a good sport about being locked away in that sound booth for the whole shoot, helping to get the word out to the Secretins, and being an all around cool girl.

Nate Schemel
For going the extra mile to make sure my baby looked its finest up on the screen. You had me worried a little early on in the evening, but you came through amazingly.

Next people that I want to thank that for some reason or another couldn't be at the screening.

Jason Ring
For putting in a lot of effort into voice work that unfortunately ultimately ended up on the cutting room floor. Thanks again for the hard work, and I made sure you got your due credit in the end credits.

Leslie Goodman
For coming out and shooting the still photography that day and bringing a little extra fun to the set.

Steffie
For being a trooper, getting knocked around in that pit, take after take, and staying in character the whole time doing it.

Mike D.
For coming in on no notice with a battlefield promotion to be our stand in drummer. Much props, sir.

Ray Dussault
For coming out just to lend a hand and turning out to be a pretty awesome battlefield promoted A.D.

Brendan & Steve
For bringing out the gear in that miserable weather and having the patience to out up with my meticulous repetition.

Jason Knight
For taking a gamble and coming out to work with us for the first time. An absolutely awesome 2nd Unit camera, and an all around awesome guy. It was my pleasure to have you onboard.

Julianne Gabert
Last, but never least in my book. I've already typed out, deleted, and rewritten my thanks to you a dozen times. Each time I just picture you making a face and saying "Please delete that. I don't want people reading that." Anyway, you know how I feel. You're a constant inspiration. *

This last oddball inclusion is people that weren't necessarily involved with the video, but I just wanted to thank 'em anyway.

Matt Endert
I guess I could justify saying that he was a crowd member in the video. But its just easier to say that he's a cool guy and an up & coming filmmaker in training. You remind me of myself, not too long ago.

Bortz
What can I say? An awesome, stand up guy. The thanks may seem out of left field, but I felt shitty about not being able to make it out to the after party tonight, after you invited me, so I can at least thank you for the offer.


There's probably a lot more I should be saying. A lot more people I should be thanking. But I'm f$(ing exhausted. Its 2:30 am.

If I forgot to thank you, bitch at me tomorrow and I'll update it in my blog.

For now, since Danny said it was cool to unleash this beast to the public on myspace tonight, here is the video.

THE SECRETIONS
"That Kind of Girl"




Now in dvd quality HERE.




* I should also mention that she was Producer & 2nd Unit director, or I'm sure I'll hear about it later.

So I'm down in San Jose, helping my buddy Scott with his Comic/Sci-Fi convention "Supercon".
We're standing in the lobby of the convention center and through the doors, I see this kid dragging a huge case of gear behind him. The thing was bigger than he is.
He tried to get a couple of people to come help him with the door and they blew him off.
Finally I ran over and got the door for he and a guy that was with him dragging another large case of equipment.
As I help him bringing the stuff into the building, he thanks me and we're shooting the breeze as he gets the gear settled.
He then poses a question to me, "Do you like Star Wars?"
I downplay enthusiasm for the films, but answer "Yeah, sure."
He cracks a little grin before saying, "I was Boba Fett.
He's grown quite a bit since "Attack of the Clones", but I recognized him right away.
We stood around talking on & off for a couple of hours.
Very cool guy. Down to earth. Has a self depreciating sense of humor about being forever known as a living breathing action figure.

Oh and for any Secretins reading this, Mickie Ratt can die happy.
Boba Fett is familiar with the Secretions.

This is a layman's terms insight into the making of the shots below.
These last two examples are taken from one of the angles that is amongst the most difficult of the whole shoot to pull off.
The first part comes with the filming itself. The shot must be filmed identically twice. Same lighting, same angle, everything. If someone bumps the camera, you start over. If a light gets dimmed or bumped in the slightest, it's game over. It's tedious and meticulous.
The scene is filmed once with Danny up front as such:


Then again with him in back on the drums, similar to the still below:


You also have to be careful not to let anything be disrupted on set during the downtime of the costume change.
Once you get around to post production time, you load the first clip with Danny at the forefront into a program called Shake (the program of choice for many Academy Award winning effects artists).
From there you have to trace a series of dots around Danny in any areas where an underlying image will need to be seen, as illustrated by the yellow dotted lines below.

Then you must shift each of these dots, tracking his movement frame by frame.
A clip such as this one take has approximately 6500 individual frames, almost all of which need individual minor alterations one by one.
Once you're all done (likely several days later), you composite your cookie cutter shot over the top of the alternate take with Danny in the back on the drums. It's also advisable to apply a slight feather effect to the edges to hide the seams where the two images are overlaid.
At this point, you will end up with a full take that should look like the two clips immediately below.
From there you have to identify any blemishes in the image of the final take. There will be dozens, more than likely.
You can either go back into Shake and tweak things until its all perfect, which I find to be a time consuming pain in the ass, or you can look over it paint out the flaws frame by frame in Photoshop.
While that may sound really tedious, I've actually found it to go considerably quicker and easier than the preceding option. May times the particular flaws with only last for a mere couple of frames and can be cleaned up within minutes.
When you're all done, you have a polished image ready for prime time.
And to think, I think the above description actually makes it sound easier than it actually is...