In my last blog I mentioned that I have a new business partner and a new guy in my personal life, events that occurred almost simultaneously. 

I had actually already met my new business partner before, was impressed with him, and we became partners when I called him to transfer some of my old clients to him as I was leaving real estate for good.  I wanted my clients to be in good hands rather than just having them assigned to other agents in my company who may or may not know what they are doing.  If nothing else, it was important to me to leave the business the same way I’d conducted business for 13 years – with integrity.

But rather than just taking on my clients and wishing me well, he asked me some questions.  Hmmm….  Kind of odd for me in regard to my previous experiences with most men.  But I guess that’s why he’d impressed me in the past.  He didn’t strike me as “most men”.  He seemed to be more serious than most, and I was aware that he’d met his wife while he was in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, volunteering his time and skills to help with the enormous amount of work that needed to be done.

The kinds of questions he asked were odd to me too.  He asked me what I liked most about the business and what I liked least.  And he really listened….  Then he told me about some other agents who had formed partnerships so those who were great in the field were able to spend more time in the field, and those who were great with the phone calls, follow up, and paperwork, were spending more time doing that.  Funny thing is that most agents who are great in the field hire assistants, pay them a fraction of what they earn, and I’d been there, done that, liked the work, but had difficulty with the pay structure.

So we became equal partners, and I have to say that I’m happily back in real estate on terms that are fair to me.  Over the past weeks since we started this, I’ve seen a difference in him too.  He’s grateful to have a partner who excels at things he doesn’t, as am I.  There’s a mutual respect that simply doesn’t exist in the parameters of hierarchy mentality.  We haven’t had any conflicts so far, and I attribute that to a sense that we operate from a place within ourselves where a deep appreciation of human contrasts exists.

As for the new man in my personal life…. Well, Rusty isn’t very common either.  In fact, what was most attractive to me when I read his profile on a discussion based social networking site, was that he used the word “substance” more than once.  Ha!  I couldn’t resist exploring what “substance” meant from his perspective, as most men I’ve ever known who even knew the word, had a completely different dictionary than I have between their ears…. 

He surprised me.  Rather than trying to explain himself, he gently challenged me to discover for myself what his perceptions were, by getting to know him.  Not only that, but he made it quite clear that his desire was to get to know me.  All of me.  The good, the fabulous, the bad, and the downright ugly….  Hmmmm…. 

I wasn’t so sure that I was interested in getting to know anything that was “downright ugly” about him just yet.  In fact, I was very sure that I didn’t.  And I wasn’t so sure that he really wanted to discover mine either….  I’ve been in that mindset before, thinking that I can handle anything, but the truth is, no.  I’m human too, and it occurred to me that pop-psychology has lured us into a false sense of security that we can just spew our ugly and that’s okay.  In fact, there’s this crazy notion that has become commonplace that spewing our ugly is somehow healing and healthy.  I can honestly say that I believe that to be one of the most destructive common beliefs one can possess.

I’m not saying that it’s best to ignore our negative feelings – not at all.  But the solution isn’t about playing the ego game of avoiding them or spewing them.  It’s about getting out of the game all together and dealing with them!  Our truly negative feelings are nothing more than a warning sign that something is just not right.  Not out there somewhere, but within.  They start out as whispers, but somehow we’ve become deafly more proficient at projecting them outward than taking responsibility for them by listening to them from the inside.  By the time we even acknowledge them, they have become a raging conflict of the ego.

The truth is, my truth anyway, is that conflict really only exists on the plane of ego existence.  Our spirit isn’t conflicted.  And our spirit doesn’t engage in nonsense such as conflicting emotions, keeping score, judging what’s bad or ugly, or obsessing about right or wrong.  Our spirit already contains all the wisdom of the Universe and gently guides us with whispers…. 

I’ve come to discover that Rusty just may be able to handle the bad and the ugly in ways that I can’t.  I’ve come to adore this man who is so different from me, yet the contrast is empowering for me, not draining.  I don’t worry or obsess about “us” like I have in past relationships, and it’s not about lack of interest, but very distinctly about connection on the plane of existence where there’s a strong mutual interest in the well-being of ourselves, each other, and ultimately, all God’s children….

I’ll share more about Rusty in future blogs, but for right now I hope you’ll share some of your own thoughts, and check out my blog on my  Sanity Is Sacred page.  I am posting some of the best resources I know of to deal with conflict, disengaging somewhat from the ego plane, and allowing the mind to tap into the wiser and much more sane place within ourselves.  There are some skill building exercises that Dr. Amen has shared in his education materials, that I think are worthy of consideration. 

While they may or may not be helpful to you, I think the underlying premise of resolving conflict is about learning to appreciate the amazing beauty of our diversity, and to embrace the contrasts of human existence... like a full palette of colors that are distinctively different... yet together make an amazing work of art. 

And yes, the ego is a part of life and the process of life, like a brush is a part of the process of painting, but the spirit is the artist, and the ego is simply a tool.  Let’s be the artists again, and not expect the brush to paint magnificent murals of life….  It can’t and it won’t.

Namaste my friends….

~B.

Yup.  I’m in a relationship and I stayed in real estate.  Go figure….

I should be used to this by now… the miracles that occur when I let go of the fear of being afraid.  Some of the best moments in my life have been lived when I was vulnerable and afraid.  I found parts and pieces of myself that weren’t broken, but were just waiting for me to realize that my spirit can’t be broken.  It belongs to me, always safe in God’s hands, and can only be truly shared with those who are able and willing to see it, feel it, and cherish it.  Not “it” really.  Me. 

The ~Moon Goddess~ who truly is the core of all that is “Me”….

There’s so much more to share, but not now.  I’m stepping out in the world more in this odd state of not feeling like a woman in a man’s world any longer, but being me in a world filled with other spiritual beings who may or may not know who they really are.  That’s okay.  I do and it’s not so odd, weird, freakish, or crazy anymore to feel this way.  As such, that book I’ve been writing in my consciousness is taking form….

For now though I want to share with you something I wrote that  describes my first glimpse of the undefined energy within myself that later became known as the ~Moon Goddess~.  It’s another one of the poems I wrote from my book, “From Heartaches to Happiness – Let The Children Lead The Way” when I was a single parent of my 6-year old triplets.  I don’t know if any of those poems will be published in the book that’s emerging from within me, but who knows?  Anyway, I want to share it with you now….

Sometimes when you look at me,
I can’t help but be afraid of what you see.
Do I frighten you when I rant and I rave?
Am I too harsh with my tongue when you misbehave?
Am I neglecting you when I’m taking my space?
Do you ever wonder if I’m a mental case?
Or do you understand that what I’m really showing you,
Is that mommies aren’t perfect, we’re merely human too.

Sometimes when I hold you tight,
I can’t help but worry if you’ll be all right.
Can I teach you all about danger without filling you with fear?
Do I know enough to teach you love and make the abstracts clear?
Can I teach you to be independent but still be right there for you?
Am I setting good examples?  Do I even have a clue?
And most of all, my precious child, what I really need to know,
Do I have the strength within myself to some day let you go?

Sometimes when I tuck you in bed,
A million fantasies swirl through my head.
Images of fairies and pale pink pixie dust,
Keep me going when I’m tired to do what I know I must.
Images of clown faces and a little teddy bear,
Give me the courage to take another step when I’m not sure if I should  dare.
So I tuck you in all cozy, kiss your cheeks and hit the light,
For I know my babies are safe and sound… at least they are tonight.

Namaste my friends.  It feels good to be back.
~B.

Click Here to go to my blog, “Defining Sanity Through Sensible Science Rather Than Cultural Illusions….” on my “Barbara’s Sanity Is Sacred” profile.

2008 was an incredible year for me!  And no matter what happens, so will 2009….  I hope you'll join me in learning and living life to the fullest over the next 365 days, with all its ups and downs and twists and turns....  Let's embrace it all and discover all that there is and break through that barrier of collective fear.

Yeah, let's do that ;)

Namaste,
~B.

So yes, this is the children's story that I hope to get published someday.  I'm posting it as this week's contribution to the Group Blogging Experience topic of 'Being Alone'.  It best explains how I feel about it... the choices we have... and the contrast between those choices.

PEGASUS DREAM….....

Once there was a pony, who dreamed that he could fly,

The other ponies laughed at him, which made the pony cry.

Since he didn't want to live his life, being laughed at by the others,

He held his tears, thus earning his horn, of The Fearless Unicorn Brothers.

Day by day, he played the games, and learned the unicorn rules,

And when he saw winged ponies in his dreams, he'd laugh and call them fools.

He earned great status among his kind, became known as The Mighty One,

And The Great Leader who ruled The Equestrian Land, was proud to call him 'son'.

Together they poked in playful duels, perfecting his fighting skill,

The Equestrian Land would be safe for sure - this pony was training to kill!

There'd never been a pony, as powerful and fearless as he,

And word spread quickly throughout the land, of who the Next Leader would be.

It didn't take long for the pony to grow, a fine stallion he was indeed,

He was fast on his feet, had fire in his eyes, but in his heart there was nothing but greed.

For although the stallion had strength and skill, still he was alone,

But he didn't care, his only quest was for power and land he would own.

And their playful duels were no longer games, as he battled with his giant horn.

Driven by greed, a great void in his heart, he stabbed at the weary one,

And as The Great Leader fell, he stabbed him again, to be sure his deadly deed had been done.

Gasping for breath, The Great Leader cried, for he knew he'd fallen from grace,

He took one last look, at the land that he'd loved, then he glared at the stallion's cruel face.

And as the pain in his body subsided, he knew peace for his soul would be belated,

For The Equestrian Land would never be safe, from this horrible beast he'd created….

The other ponies mocked her dreams, which made the pony cry.

She didn't want to live her life, poking others with a horn,

But the little pony, lived in the land, of The Mighty Unicorn.

Now this little pony was quite odd, for she'd rather cry than poke,

But she cried alone, and no one knew, her secrets when she spoke.

Day by day she played the games, and learned the unicorn rules,

But at night in her dreams she developed, her most valuable survival tools.

For in her dreams, she lived in a land, where the ponies all had wings,

They were kind to one another, shared their thoughts and shared their things.

They never poked each other - they had no use for horns,

They were happy little ponies, unlike the mean old unicorns.

Then one day as the little pony, trotted down the path,

She came upon The Mighty One, flaunting the horror of his wrath.

He reared up high and shook his head, snorting with all his might,

Terrifying a frail young colt, who was shivering with fright.

And the blood pumped through her body like a thunderous lightening bolt!

Within moments she was holding the child, and was headed for the sky,

For the courageous little pony, had grown her wings, and she could FLY!

Pegasus returned to the unicorn, who still had his price to pay.

She stood before the mighty beast, with the horn upon his head,

But his weapon did not scare her - it fell to the ground instead!

The stallion stopped dead in his tracks, and stared down at his great horn,

And a fierce terror ripped right through, the Former Mighty Unicorn.

He begged the pony for mercy, promised to change his evil ways,

But Pegasus saw right through his lies, and ignored the pathetic neighs.

She picked up the horn and spread her wings, leaving the stallion there to cry,

For she knew he had but two choices, to trust his dreams or stay there to die….

Now the giant horn stands in the Equestrian Land, as an unusual piece of art,

But more importantly it stands as a symbol, that true strength lies in the heart.

Once there was a tiny colt, who lay asleep in a bed made of straw,

When he awoke, he rubbed his eyes, for he couldn't believe the sight that he saw!

All around him were winged ponies, such magnificent creatures were they,

He just watched in wonder, as they played about, safe and warm in his bed made of hay.

One of the ponies saw him awake, and kindly offered him food and a drink,

The hungry colt meekly accepted, but he still didn't know what to think.

Other winged ponies gathered around, one by one they told him their names, 

But the tiny colt barely listened, for he was anxious to play in their games.

Little by little he learned to trust, from the kind patience of the beautiful creatures,

He made some friends, and gained his strength, from the lessons of his gentle teachers,

He learned to laugh, and he learned to cry, without shame he grew happy indeed,

But he knew in his heart, the time had come, for him to discover the life he would lead.

The beautiful ponies understood, and bade him goodbye one by one,

His heart full of love, he thanked them once more, then headed bravely toward the sun.

And as he trotted briskly down the path, he was much too excited to cry,

For he was on the road, to growing wings of his own, so he soon would be a leader...

                                                                                                                          who could fly....

I'd love to know what you think about the story. 

Do you think it's possible that our own lives can be lived without greed and fear?  Do you think that my story is good enough for publication?  Yes, I really want to know!  Especially if you don't think so....  **Tee Hee** 

So, let it rip!

Namaste....
~B.

It's been a crappy weekend.  Not that anything bad happened really, it's internal stuff.  One of those things where there's just 'something' that needs to be realized, but in the meantime there's an emptiness.  I've been in this place before, and I'm long past trying to fill the emptiness with something to distract me from it, or to look for 'reasons'.  As I advise others to do, I just sat with it.  Browsed some blogs, responded in comments to my own, and waited for it to come together.  I knew it would.  It always does as long as I don't interfere.  That's the hard part….

So while I waited, I tried to get some chores done.  Still selling things I don't need anymore on Craig's List, feeling just a bit lighter as each item makes its way to the new owner.  So far my things have moved on to really nice people.  I like that.  It's kind of comforting to have some tangible evidence that liquidating almost everything I have rather than scrambling to find just any job out of fear is the right thing to do.  It is.  I can feel it.

Each item brings forth memories for me….  I'll spare you the details… LOL….  But they're good memories and it's good for me to remember some of these precious moments that might have otherwise been lost.  They were lost for awhile.  I'm glad that as I let go of my stuff, that there's an exchange taking place.  I let go of what no longer serves a purpose for me and regain something much more valuable.  The most precious moments of my life maybe?  Was the energy of the lost moments trapped in the stuff waiting for me to be available to reclaim it?  I don't know.

So it's been much more satisfying to sell my stuff than it has been to fill out job applications.  Aghhhh.  I'm overqualified for most everything I'm applying for, but I need simplicity.  And it's actually painful to read through the job postings and see so much crap.  I remember 20 years ago laughing at the ads that called secretarial positions 'Exciting', 'Glamorous', and required 'A Self-Starter'.  I've been a secretary, and it's not glamorous.  Oh, except that it's best to look glamorous.  They like that.  So no, I'm not looking for secretarial work, or banking, or mortgages, or any of the numerous 'business opportunities' or sales positions that offer training and promise big bucks.  Ummm yeah.  They don't bother to mention the 'small investment' or the commission pay basis.  Been there, done that.  At least in real estate I had the opportunity to sell something that benefit those who purchased homes from me.  And the sellers I worked for did well - very well.  I was good at what I did, but it's too empty.  The best moment of my 13 years in real estate was a little girl twirling around like a princess in her very own new room….  Yes, that was a precious moment.

Next thing I knew… an ad appeared.  'Residential Counselor at XXXX Children's Receiving Home'.  No degree required.  Huh.  I kept reading and tears started to run down my cheeks.  More memories.  Picking apples when I was, I don't know, maybe 11 or 12 years old and selling them to raise money for an orphanage.  Earning $7.00 and change, then looking through the phone book to find an orphanage worthy of my labor and the apples on the trees that would have just rotted anyway….  Huh.  There weren't any.  I couldn't figure out where all the abandoned children were.  I donated the money to a mentally handicapped school instead, but never did find out where the other kids were who I knew existed.  Many years later I learned about Foster Care, and The System, and well….

I don't miss my kids.  They've grown up and are still growing as adults.  I love that!  But I think I miss the part of myself that I've perhaps taken for granted all those years while I was trying to deal with the economics and systems of life.  Yes, that's it.  The part of myself that came alive in those precious moments with children – not just my own, but others' as well.  Those were the moments that I knew everything worth knowing, but believed that it wasn't nearly enough.  Those were the precious moments that I genuinely wanted to be a better person.  And yet… here we all are.  Our brains are full of crap from 'higher' education, we manufacture pain as entertainment, and most of what we've done in our lives for a paycheck (or commission) has most likely worked against humanity, not for it.

There's more… but not now.

Except for one thing….  Thanks Father Joe.

.. ..

.. ..

Did I discover anything earth-shattering?  No.  Not really.  But the blogs were popular, had some great comments and interactions, and somehow contributed to a later shift in my consciousness.  I was also awarded the Brillante Weblog Premio 2008 award by my friend Dawn, who specifically mentioned the Man's World series when she honored me with it.

I recently realized how lucky I am to have some pretty special male friends right here.  I've probably not ever had such a collection of unique and interesting men in my life before.  In fact, it's recently occurred to me that the qualities these male bloggers share of themselves are the very same potential qualities I've seen in the men I've been with in former relationships.  But men aren't children, and women aren't meant to commit to potential without some tangible indication of substance, although we do tend to, don't we?

Dewey

F-Stop

 

     

Here are my seven favorite male bloggers (in no particular order):

Doug is a talented writer, but even more than that his blogs set the stage for some great, in-depth discussions.  I met my friend Lee in Doug's blog, and continue to learn much from discussions with both of them, as well as others.  His recent blog Rumbling Paradigm is indicative of his talent and is probably my favorite, although it's really tough to pick.

Bill wrote the 50 "Time Capsule" blog series that started a major shift in consciousness for me, which is something I will always be grateful for.  He's finally back to writing his daily stream-of-consciousness blogs that are like having coffee with a friend each morning.  Always light, humorous, and thought provoking.  It's great stuff.

John isn't blogging as much as he used to, but his blogs are always full of spiritual wisdom, as well as some humor.  A Biblical scholar and author of several books, he typically points out the absurdity of literal interpretations, which oftentimes tickles my funny bone.  Since I didn't grow up with fundamental religion and come across these common interpretations for the first time in his blogs, I've learned a lot!  John's gracious in not kicking me out of his blog when I get silly, and I do try to behave….  But he has a great rebound and can get right back to business answering others' more knowledgeable serious comments, so I don't try too hard ;)

"Doo", as he's commonly referred to, is highly intelligent, well read, a whiz kid on current events, and damn is he funny!!!  His skillful use of gutter-mouth mixed with just enough blatant sexual non-innuendo, folded into his keen observations of the serious absurdities of our culture and daily lives, can make even the most serious ~Moon Goddess~ declare "F**k It" and dance naked in public fountains….  His recent blog, Labor Pains, was dedicated to moi ;)

I don't know much about Lucid Dreaming, but I just love Michael Nielson's blogs about the bigger picture of life and love and the Universe.  Michael doesn't claim to know "the truth" but invites us to consider the possibilities with his unique writing style of describing the complexities of metaphysics and quantum physics with the beauty and grace of poetry.  His profile page and blog pages are simple works of art, in that his writing, graphics, and especially his music selections blend together to make an online environment that's calming, energizing, enlightening, and inspirational – a great place to just "be" as one among so many, yet connected to all.

Last, but certainly not least, Greg Barrett is the author of "The Gospel of Father Joe," the book I've come to love as if I'd given birth to it myself.  That I didn't makes it all the more special because finally so much of what I believe to be true, and have struggled with to define those beliefs, have been experienced and written in the book's pages with a depth of expression that I could only dream of discovering.  Greg's blogs are equally brilliant and well written, as he generously shares his experiences and wisdom gained from those experiences with his readers, always willing to discuss and/or clarify beliefs and issues in the comments.  It's hard to pick a favorite, but Greg's blog What's Behind A Book's Inscription opened the door to some beautiful insight into the heart of the imperfect, yet determined, unconventional priest, Father Joe Maier and the equally imperfect, yet determined, father, husband, and author, Greg.  Finally someone has found the words to describe real male bonding, in the most genuine, most heartfelt, and most heartbreaking of circumstances. 

I think deep down, most men do want to be more loving and you guys inspire me that more men will discover their own unique ways to tap into the love they have inside.  Getting past the emptiness of our obsessions with sex, money, entertainment, and controlling others is clearly on the collective agenda.  You guys are, in my eyes, pioneers of that new frontier.

So I shopped.  I didn't always buy, but I shopped.  A lot.  I'm not into being trendy as much as I'm into finding what works for me.  What I absolutely love when I put something on, or enjoy using, or look at and feel a certain joy.  "My style" is a tangible reflection of who I am.

I've gone through many phases in my quest to have a style.  First it was clothes and make-up, hairstyles, then household items, décor, appliances, and landscaping.  I could spend hours at the nursery with my imagination putting together different flowering plants in my massive flower beds.  Sometimes I would plant, pull out, and then replant the same flowers until I felt the joy I anticipated.  Yes!  This is what I imagined I would feel like….  And then I would know it was the right flower in the right place.  Because I could feel the joy.

Miracle shopping is exactly that.  We have to have the courage to face that we aren't consistently joyous, and resist the urge to continue doing what we've always done and learn new shopping skills.  We need to stop purchasing friendships that don't resonate with us at the deepest levels, and develop the skills to recognize our own preferences, without making the other person "wrong".  Could you imagine getting angry at a flower because it doesn't look right in your garden?  I can't.  If I choose the flower, put it where I think it will thrive and bring me joy, but it doesn't?  That's not the flower's fault.  Nor is it mine really, because I needed to learn more about flowers if I want them in my life.

Miracles are everywhere just waiting to be discovered.  But we can't just pray for them to occur and expect it to happen.  Miracles don't work that way.  We have to learn about all the ins and outs of life, the material world, the spiritual world, the interactions between them, and our own place in the scheme of things.  And if we're constantly in a mindset that nothing is good enough, and we get caught up in anger…. Well, then we never quite find our own joyful style.  I mean, let's face it.  How joyful is anger, cynicism, and putting our energies into looking for reasons to be offended?  Is hatred your "style"?  Do you shop for it?  If that's what you end up with, then it's likely you do.  And if that's not what you want, then shop for miracles instead!

Shopping is kind of fun once we've developed our own style.  And shopping for miracles is pretty exciting!  Most often we find them right inside of ourselves, simply by considering a new perspective.  We may love that bikini, but it just doesn't look right on us.  We need to decide whether to do sit-ups or find a more suitable style to enjoy the summer.  Many choose to do nothing, and even that is okay!  Perhaps we're just not into summer anymore....  There are endless possibilities that only we can know is right for us.

The same is true for the intangibles.  We oftentimes become lazy in developing our shopping skills, wishing for things that others have, and blaming them because we don't.   We all have the power to find everything we really want.  It takes time, some patience, and an investment in learning new skills in regard to perception, decision making, and prioritizing.  Sometimes we don't really know what we want, and we have to start there.

I love miracle shopping and it doesn't even require a credit card….  Well, not usually although the learning tools sometimes require a monetary investment.  But for me, it's well worth it, because as I further develop my own miracle shopping skills, the more miracles I discover.  Many right here on MySpace.  In fact, YOU are probably one of them.  **wink**

Namaste,

~B.

And what perfect timing.