if it werent for that one night- May 1st 2008, i wonder.

i wonder where i would be. what i would be. who i would be.

i think about it and i decide that since that night, my life has been affected with the most positive change that i have had in so long.

if it werent for that night, i would be waking up alone.
if it werent for that night, i would not have met the number of amazing new friends i have made because of her.
if it werent for that night, dreams of being pinned down and hurt wouldnt be soothed by warm arms and forehead kisses.

her words have calmed my heart.
and im still giddy like a little kid on friday nights.
my friday nights are brought back.
back from going to bars and getting wasted,
to game nights, good food, and movies.
holding hands has never felt this special.

her skin is my security blanket.
and her incessant need for cuddleing is what both wakes me and soothes me.

we might occasionally bicker like an old couple,
but our communication i have prided myself on.
if i feel off, i tell her.
maybe we just will need a california king when we are too old to get comfy in bed... one where we can still hold hands and fall asleep with plenty of room.

i want to run away with her. go and explore with her.
i want to take her hurt and hide it.
i want to build a box and fill it with grape juice, turkey sandwiches, and ranch dressing. cute button downs and burts bees. swiss army and thin mints. trucker hats and hot sauce. black and white pictures and puppies. all for her.

she is my one.
the missing piece to my puzzle.

so i come to work today.
and im thinking about how much i love the internet as it has suddenly made my art worth while.
how the internet has allowed me to connect with so many people who have my doll parts.
how i am not only reaching the usa, but soon France and Italy and even Spain.

then i am randomly looking up people and stuff on facebook, and i stumble onto a page that made me despise the internet- realizing that if we didnt have myspace, facebook, or email, i would have heard this news directly, and so much sooner than finding it on a website today.

the news was that a very influential teacher that i had in highschool died in june.
to cancer.
and though death has become much easier for me to deal with, i am having a hard time with the idea that no one close to me knew this. that i was not informed. that i had to read it off of a blog on facebook. maybe i was told and over looked it.

my day is eased by the words she said last night...
"how do i ever forget how amazing you are?"

its time to write and reflect for all to read.
though i have become more introverted as of lately-
i still am the crazy narcicissist.

when looking at the pictures from my big brothers wedding,
a couple people said "you two look too much alike"
i found myself becoming defensive, because i dont want to admit our likeness.
we try to be unique. but i find myself attracted to her for every part of her, including the ones that we share.
maybe its just the glasses.
maybe we are all a little bit sick and find comfort in the similarities we share.
whatever the fuck it is, i dont really care. i love her and think she is smoking hot.

i wonder whats going on with me. feeling like distancing myself from many friends from the past.
not because they have done anything wrong.
not because i dont love them.
just because i cant seem to handle friendships right now.
i know i will kick my self later for running so far from those i love, but for now it is what i need.
its the dreams i am having about it all that worry me.
dreams of catty girls surrounding me kicking my ass.
me trying so hard to fight back- just to have their con's it my face, kicking my teeth out of my mouth.
the feeling of helplessness, and self doubt.
i know that they are only dreams, but what am i supposed to take from them?

ive turned into an old lady who cant hang.
my body hits 10pm and goes into shut down mode.
my stomach is in knots, and i havent made the appointments to figure out why.
i dont drink often. dont smoke devil weed often. and am quitting smoking in a couple days.
after that, i will start the fitness again.
because i have a fat ass and though its loved, i dont love it.
im searching to find my fire, passion, depth.
i know its in my art, but its been hiding in the shadows for far too long.
its going to come back.
and i will push hard for it.

my heart is happy.
but my soul needs work...

sometimes i dont understand people.
and their actions.
theres women and men all over the place,
and some are so corrupt.
with their ways and ideas.
no syncing of morals and actions.
ive given up on people in the past.
im not one to give up.
but when given a reason,
a good one,
i go.
i do not like loss of friends.
but i do not like the pressure involved in some peoples schemes.
i value those in my life.
love them.
respect them.
i hold onto my morals.
i was immature once upon a time,
but now im grown,
and set in my ways.

i may be a kid and always crave a cupcake.
but cupcakes are the least of my worries.

as i sit in front of this canvas,
i think about all of my failed attempts.
i think about my success.
and i wonder where its all going.
my hand draws unsteady.
and i realize i need some practice.
the stones are drawn.
hands and feet.
oil and turpintine.
red and black.
the stress pours out though the markings.
the fears made real with every stroke.
realizations that i am strong.
that i am built on a steady ground.
i sit and draw it out.
my plan.
while these 9-5 days seem to wear me thin.
my evenings must be filled with color and work. art.
my eyes are itchy.
fingernails dirty.
short, but with stains from the pastels that dont seem to wear away.
its all being made real in this moment.
the one where the marks take over.
the moment in time where nothing else matters, but what streams from my mind through my hand.
this is what my life is meant to be about.
life and art.
through strong hands and feet on a sturdy surface.

cupcakes make me happy.
with pink frosting.
and sprinkles.
and a cherry with a stem on top.

nofx in the background while looking at my new pink cupcake permanently tattooed on my arm makes it all so much better.

i love my friends.

i love my love.

i love my nofx.

i love pink cupcakes.

awake in the night to pushing and feelings of loss.
to anxiety ridden dreams of past not to be mentioned.
to fear and entrapment.
i close my eyes and pretend it will all be okay in the morning.
dreams come and go of frightnening moments, followed by romance and sweetness.
daylight burns my eyes, and the tears shed through night have left a crusty soreness.
i write and drink water to cleanse the bad.
the unknown.
the frusterated.
my unmentionables in the room adjacent, i reflect on the past few months.
with the one who has brought me sunshine and nostalgia.
realizing that running is not one of my strengths, and that patience is necessary.
so i write.
and write some more.
to gain an understanding of self and who i am.
to understand why her, and how.
my complexeties are bare for all to see.
in the blue skys i see blue eyes.
and my heart feels warm.
today is for today.
and tomorrow is another day.
ill give you my all.
one hundred percent.

once upon a time,
i felt like it was all placed in front of me,
all as easy as popping a hungry man in the microwave,
peeling back the plastic, and having a not so delicious, but satisfing meal.
i was 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
i was waiting for him to come home and not have to leave.
there were long nightly phone calls, letters, presents.
he was the one i was supposed to marry.
the one who i was supposed to have babies with.
the one who i would have my own suburban home and car with.
our faces matched up- so it was all supposed to be as easy as pie.
i pused any questions i had aside, remembering that my mom and dad sacrificed a lot for love.
thoughts of there being one chance circled in my head, until drunken lonely nights of other boys and meaningless sex became more and more appealing.
trying to forget the pain, i went along with my tyrades, hiding my secret self from almost everyone.
my love for women was unexplored, and was supposed to stay that way.
with each one night stand, i was looking to feel something, and i consistanly was disappointed, feeling nothing- but a void deepening with every dick that i tried to satisfy myself with.

Is it the age?

Or the time passing?

Is this the dawning of the Age of Aquarius?

or am I just dreaming?

 

She cut me off when I wanted to jump over the edge.

He lifted me up when I thought I was ready to drowned.

They were to  help gather the pieces which were strewn on the floor when I wanted to walk away.

 

My heart wants to beat out of its casing.

Every time she is near, I feel as if someone has wrapped me in a warm blanket, rescuing me from the cold storm.

She eases certain nervousness.

For once, forever doesn't seem like a frightening thing, but an exciting thing.