You'll find our new blog at blogger.com. It's titled "Processing the Center" and we hope you'll check it out. Myspace is a popular medium for many people to use in communication, and we've enjoyed our time here, but now we're moving on.

Blogger.com offers a less-cluttered presentation, and, we hope, an easier to use format. Visit "Processing the Center" and share some of your in-center and out-of-center writing experiences!

By DAVE BARRY

It is time once again for ``Ask Mister Language Person,'' the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.

We shall begin today by reviewing the correct use of the apostrophe, which is defined grammatically as ``the little thing that is hard to find when you put it inside quotation marks,'' as is shown in this example: ``'''.

Even top professional writers have trouble with apostrophes, as we see in this quotation from William Shakespeare:

``O Romeo, Romeo

``Your lookin' fine in them tight's.''

This is incorrect, of course: Shakespeare has used the word ``your'' as a participial infraction, which requires an apostrophe, as we see in this corrected version:

``O Romeo, Romeo

``You're buttock's are highly visible in them tight's.''

A lot of people have this problem, which is why it is important to remember the Three Rules For When To Use Apostrophe's:

1. TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.

Example: ``This childbirth really hurt's!''

2. IN HERPETOLOGICAL PHRASES.

Example: ``There's snake's in the Nut 'n' Honey!''

3. IN LETTERS TO CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Example: ``Dear Moron's:''

Please have these rules tattooed on your biceps, because Mister Language Person is getting tired of correcting people and may soon turn the whole matter over to the police.

Now let's take a look at some other grammar questions that have poured in to the Institute of Grammar Institute from readers all over the world:

Q. Has anybody ever used the word ``penultimate'' correctly?

A. Not since 1949.

Q. Recently, did your research assistant Judi Smith make a grammatically interesting statement regarding where her friend, Vickie, parks at The Miami Herald?

A. Yes. She said, quote: ``She comes and parks in whoever's not here's space that day.''

Q. Can that sentence be diagramed?

A. Not without powerful pharmaceuticals.

Q. Can you please quote the caption to a newspaper photograph from the Associated Press, sent in by Patricia Lees, showing a man throwing some kind of whitish substance?

A. Yes. It said: ``A protester hurls yogurt in a demonstration in Belgrade Wednesday against the government's decision to nullify municipal elections.''

Q. Private citizens in Belgrade are allowed to possess yogurt?

A. Yes. No wonder there's trouble over there.

Q. On Nov. 23, 1996, The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel ran a story, sent to you by Amy Mason, concerning six teenagers who were charged with illegally shooting 30 deer. Please print the reaction, as printed in the story, of state Department of Natural Resources official Dave Zeug.

A. He said: ``It's sad, especially this close to the deer gun season; there's at least 30 or more deer that are not available for someone's son or daughter.''

Q. Those poor kids!

A. I'm sure the deer were also very upset about missing deer gun season.

Q. Please quote from a 1996 Associated Press story, sent in by Richard Carvonius, concerning a Federal Aviation Administration decision to ground a charter airline for not meeting federal standards.

A. The story states that ``planes in the air were allowed to land.''

Q. No wonder we have problems, what with the FAA being so soft on these airlines.

A. If the Internal Revenue Service were in charge, this type of situation would be dealt with via missile.

Q. How many letters will you get from people who are upset because you used apostrophes incorrectly in this column?

A. Hundreds.

Q. Really? Even though it's clear to anybody with an IQ above crustacean level that it's a joke?

A. Yes. We will also receive angry mail from people on all sides of the hunting issue.

Q. What about Barry Manilow fans?

A. Yes, now that you've brought his name up. Thanks a lot.

TODAY'S LANGUAGE TIP: To add impact to dry business reports, try to personalize your message for your specific reader:

WRONG: ``Market stabilization should ameliorate short-term growth.''

RIGHT: ``Market stabilization should ameliorate short-term growth, you zit-brain.''

GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?

He does not care.

Myspace is a fascinating culture. My teenage son thinks checking his myspace takes precedence over homework. (How can the Odyssey compete?) My teenage daughter tells me I can set up my own account. (Sorry, the Odyssey has more appeal.) And somehow in all our discussions of the place--well, it is called a "space" after all--I've never told them that I visit a myspace account rather frequently. But perhaps that will change soon.

The writing center encourages posts to our blog. We want to read what you think. Have you passed a road sign lately that offended you with its incorrect usage of our language? Have you seen a notice from a company or store that makes you laugh out loud (yes, I know, lol would do) with its unintended meanings? Tell us. Tell them. Blog.

But watch this space, this myspace. We might begin to blog from another spot. But don't worry, we'll let you know.

I have become overwhelmed at the frequency of ah ha! moments that have been occurring over the last two weeks; which makes me wish I could rewind and teach my class in another new way --- What's better than that is the fact that the Ah Ha moments continue - at my age!!! - If I ever stop being curious, I'll know that I am near death, and I puzzle over people who deliberately stop being curious prematurely.

..> ..>

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

Albert Einstein

..> ..>

"I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiousity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."

Eleanor Roosevelt

While enjoying my weekly dose of college football joy on Saturday, my state of happiness and contentment was rudely disturbed by a glaring grammatical error.  While listing its upcoming sports news segments, ESPN's graphics contained the words "Undefeated's Playing Today." Really, ESPN?  You really don't know that an apostrophe is used to signify possession, not plurals?  How does a major broadcasting company make such a mistake?  Sigh.

On a more uplifting note, MTSU dominated North Texas on Saturday with a resounding 48-28 victory on NT's own field.  This was the second win in a row for the Blue Raiders over the Mean Green, and 48 points is also the most ever allowed by the Mean Green to another Sun Belt Conference opponent, so a big congrats goes out to our players and coaches.  Let's Grow Blue. (For those of you who have wondered, "Let's Grow Blue" means "Let's grow the MTSU fanbase.")

Children are the ultimate form of narcissism, and my seven year old son scored 3, yes 3, goals in his soccer game on Saturday at the Y in a thrilling 3-3 tie. He also played as goalie and blocked numerous shots that surely would have given the red team a victory.

Secret poet? Struggling novelist? Got a great standup comedy routine? Musically inclined? Don't be selfish with your talents! Come to Open Mic Night and share. Starting at 7:30 Tuesday night, October 30, you will have the chance to share your talent with the crowd in Peck 326---the Writing Center. Refreshments will be served.

Hope to see you here!

This time of year always seems to me to be introspective; as though even the weather and flora and fauna were drawing in, self-assessing, making plans --- it seems to be a good time of year to write; to write more; to take risks in writing. Write love poetry if you are usually practical; write radical calls to action if you are usually the romantic.

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.  ~Richard Wright, American Hunger, 1977

Peer groups are places to discuss pressures and problems, attitudes and aspirations. Or Jim's face. A week ago, Jim appeared at peer group with a clean-shaven face. The women present grilled him, why? when? after how long? None of us really cared where, or how. Perhaps had another man been present the discussion would have ended there with blades vs. electric. But instead we delved into the circumstances surrounding Jim's new face. After three years, on a whim the night before peer group last week, Jim shaved off his beard. He reported that he tried various modifications as he shaved it off, relating to us the effect of his goatee, his handlebar moustaches, and his regret that he could not try those styles and still see how he would look with mouton chops.

But there's a new new face of Jim. If he decides at some point to shave the beard he is currently cultivating, he can try the sideburns.

The writing center appointment slots are filling up, and I find it encouraging. After years of  hearing "I can't write" from students as if it were a congenital condition, I realize the Writing Center is getting its message out. "Perhaps you can't write," the Writing Center agrees, then counters, "but you can be taught."

As we stand firm and refuse to fix papers line by line, students will realize we are not an editing service. And when they come back, they are acknowledging that writing can be taught, and they themselves can learn.

Jenny Morris