color the coast with your smile
its the most genuine thing
that i've ever seen
i was so lost
but now i believe

the last few months have been nothing short of hellish, but things are beginning to mellow down. school starts on monday, and it's kind of hard to believe that it's already that time again... i'm coming to a point where i'm sure i don't regret waiting till this year to go back, and i hold a lot of relief that i'm actually doing it. everyone was a little worried that i wasn't going back, and to be honest, i was too, but i feel very prepared for this new journey.

i dropped my statistics class the other day after being hired at the boys and girls club down the street. i'll be in charge of the tutoring lab, which is going to be really fun! just another preparation for teaching, and it feels good to have the chance to work with kids again. plus i was getting kind of scared about taking 18 hours. that's a lot, and i wasn't sure i could make it.

tonight is my last party for a very long time. we're going to foam nation, which should be eventful. i just feel a need to close out that part of my life for awhile. i'll always be a raver at heart, but i don't think that i can balance the raving with good grades! i don't like having to say goodbye to it, but it will always be there to come back to.

i feel like i've changed a LOT in the last year. i've gone from little miss straight A student, straight edge, worried about every little thing from a person who actually has failure on her resume and who's taken almost every risk set down in front of her. a lot of that has to do with david, i think... he's brought out a very different side to me, and i think it's made me less afraid of making mistakes, less afraid of taking risks.

raving has been very good for me. i became very open to new possibilities and experiences. i've met so many awesome people and discovered a whole new genre of music that had previously been a mystery to me. i have a new sense of inner peace, and that's a good thing. i've been raving for nine months now, and i've never felt better about the world.

my mental health problems sometimes seem really hard to deal with. the bipolar disorder is getting worse, it seems, but there's nothing i can conquer if i really believe it's possible. i'm looking into different maintainence ideas, acupuncture and the such... i refuse to go back on meds. they change me so much, and it's not very comfortable for me. i'll be okay as long as i keep my head on straight.

to those of you who stuck by me, no matter what, i want to thank you. i know it hasn't always been easy to be my friend, but i've really learned who my loyal friends are in the last year and who was never true to me to begin with. it felt good to purge my dead weight and i feel like i'm ready to go into this school year and make better friends who won't constantly screw me over.

okay, that's enough of the scrambled rambling. i have a boyfriend to go wake up.

Off to school we go,
It's off to school we go,
We'll take our lunch and ride the bus,
With everyone we know.
Off to school we go,
It's off to school we go,
We learn our ABC's and more,
With everyone we know.

so i beat the system yesterday, paid off the money i owed to UNM, and i have one more stop to make today before i can register for classes. it's hard to believe a year's gone past since i started college, and it's a good feeling to be going back!

i have all my classes picked out, and if they're still there this afternoon, i'll be in creative writing with a focus on poetry, music appreciation (i know, cop out, but fun!), math 121, statistics, and theater. it seems like a really level course load, with two challenging classes and three easy ones, so i can't wait to get started!

i'm nervous, honestly. the last time around, i really didn't do so well... i was so burned out on school from scrambling to graduate, and i wasn't ready to walk right back into it. i should have just waited a year, but i let everyone get to me, telling me that if i didn't go now i'd never go back.

how little they knew me!

i feel like i'm more prepared for this now. i've gotten a lot of partying out of my system, which is going to make it easier to go to school and not be tempted by frat parties and the such. i know that there are much better parties to go to! also, i think i'm more academically minded now, but i'm not as much of a perfectionist. i don't think it's going to break my world down to get a C anymore.

david's a little worried. he doesn't want school to get in the way of our time together, and i don't blame him for being hesitant. school has never meant the same thing to him as it does to me... he doesn't necessarily see it as something that's going to make me happy because it hasn't always in the past. i'll just have to prove to him that i'm a better person when i'm in school!

mom's proud of me for going back, and a little relieved, i think. she think's i'm still on all my scholarships, and i'm going to let her believe that. it's not a huge deal; i'm still not paying for my education, and she doesn't need to know otherwise. i think she's scared for me because she doesn't want me dealing with loans, but i think it's worth it. i've got a ton on my plate, but nothing is permanent. things will change with time, and i've just got to go with it.

Everybody wants to bum
A ride on the rock 'n' roller coaster
And we went out
Got our name in small print on the poster
Of course we got a manger
Though he ain't the mafia
A contract is a contract
When they get 'em out on yer

ok, i have to do this rant because it's about to burst out of my chest.

everyone who knows me (and i mean, REALLY knows me) is aware that my first love has always been music. beyond writing, music has always been a huge part of who i am and where i've been. every stage of my life has had some sort of soundtrack, and my tastes in music have been varied in the least. i listen to anything from hardcore breaks to soul; emo to new wave; pop to classic rock.

but first and foremost, i am a PUNK. not some bitch that hangs around and gets drunk in front of the compound, but a real fucking punk. i don't rip my clothes to shreds, but watch your mouth before i rip your FACE to shreds. i may not look like it from the outside, but that's a huge part of my upbringing and my personality.

i live by the punk mantra of FUCK authority and kiss my ass if you don't like what i have to say. but as far as i'm concerned, i'm sick to fucking death of seeing these pussy ass bands be labeled as punk.

i'll admit: i love fall out boy. i think their lyrics are really amazing and well done. i listen to panic!, my chemical romance, and green day. i have no problem with saying that they're DESCENDED from punk. that's definitely true, because you can hear it in their sounds.

the things that bug the FUCK out of me are these dumbass kids running around like they're so badass, safety pins up the ass, with a vendetta against nothing but their parents. newsflash, bitch: if you used daddy's credit card to pay for those overpriced pre-slashed gap jeans, YOU'RE NOT PUNK. if you didn't lift those safety pins that are so glamorously attached to everything you own, YOU'RE NOT PUNK. if you think that buying shit 25% off at hot topic puts you in the clear, YOU'RE WRONG.

the point of punk was not to look the exact same as every other bitch walking down the street. the point was to create your own message, and a look to go with it. your ridiculous pink hair, cut to shreds like you got into a bad fight with a pair of hedgecutters, is fooling NO ONE. stop drowing yourself in rum and eyeliner. you're embarrassing yourself.

i say this as the offspring of two hardcore punks that were around back in the hayday. PUNK ROCK IS OVER. i hate to say it, but it's true. it ended with the seventies, and isn't coming back. all the shitty posures (oh, yeah, that's the CORRECT SPELLING) that came after the pistols and the clash have nothing on the original. the only thing that remains is the mentality.

that's carried on through people who actually LISTENED to the lyrics and have the mental capacity to understand them. we are politically aware, and we know what the fuck is going on in our own country. the guns of motherfucking brixton are hiding under our beds, waiting to be used when the time comes.

we fight with words AND fists. we don't let the government hold us back or keep us down. we're not some drugged out, boozed out assholes, squatting in our family basement, cursing the world for leaving us behind.

FUCK that. i'm tired of you little bitches acting like you know what it's like to be at the bottom of the totem pole. you DON'T. daddy buys your hair dye; mommy sewed that dead kennedys patch you bought from hot topic on your jeans. get over your damn selves and admit that you're just a bunch of pussies.

ok, that's the end of my rant. if you have a problem with it, you can have a chat with my fist.

the longer i'm in new mexico, the more i realize that i need to get out of here.

i talked about it yesterday with david, about how horrible this place is, and we finally put a finger on exactly why. there's a sense of desperation, of giving up hope here. it's isolated--the nearest thing is always far away.

there's no renewal here, no sense of refreshement. there's no ocean to carry things out at low tide. there are no quiet rainstorms to wash away your malcontent. the wind blows shit in and then it settles, sometimes for weeks, even months. it's easy to become trapped by your own beliefs that you're never going to escape.

but not me. i'm not staying here. albuquerque will always be home, yes, but i don't like the way this state makes me feel. it makes you feel forgotten, abandoned. it makes you feel fried alive, sometimes. like there's nowhere to go but sideways. there's no variety here, because everything's the same. it's all brown and turquoise, all jade greens and dulled yellows. the sky here is so incongruant to everything else. it's the only thing that screams of life.

i need life. i need water, and trees, and tall buildings. i need rolling hills and low valleys. i need humid summers, the type that melt you into the couch and make you camp out under the air conditioner with a popcicle and your favorite book. i need peeling sunburns from days on the beach.

i need to leave here. i'm not saying that's it's going to be anytime soon. it may not happen for many months, but it's going to happen. i'm not trapped here. i'm not staying longer than i have to. there are only three things keeping me here: my brother, my mom, and david.

and david's portable, if i give him enough reason to be.

The Rules:
The writer will create a blog with 7 weird things/habits about themselves. People who get tagged will have to post a blog of their own telling 7 weird habits/things about themselves. Make sure to post this rule clearly! At the end of your 7 weird things/habits, you need to choose 6 people that you would like to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You've been tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read yours for instructions on how to proceed! Don't forget to let the person that tagged you know when you have posted your answers in your own blog! Have fun and NO tagbacks!


1. i have no idea why david named me vegas.
2. i only eat creamy peanut butter.
3. i refuse to wear anything brown, except for my flip flops and cowgirl shirt.
4. david is the only one who can tickle me effectively.
5. i'm a raver, and i plan on being one for the rest of my life.
6. my mother is the biggest dyke on the planet, except for maybe kd lang.
7. i fucking love to dance.

TAG!
Katie, Chelsea, David, Nathan, Paperklip, and Davey

salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt
our hearts littering the topsoil
sign up it's the picket line or the parade

what is this damned apathy i see in my peers? why is it always a matter of indifference when our brothers, our sisters, our parents are fighting for a hidden cause? these boys, these girls, these CHILDREN are dying, and we're doing nothing to change it!

do you weep when you hear of a roadside bomb? does your heart constrict for the families that have lost so much? do you turn red with anger because you know these kids are dying so that the over privilaged assholes of the world can buy a new yacht?

does it touch you? your family? do you know someone over there, do you LOVE someone over there? then why aren't we out in the streets, upturning cars and screaming for justice? shouldn't we be rioting?

are they going to get away with it? just because we feel like we have no power, should they get what they want? should OUR people, people from our communities, meet their end while Dick is out hunting?

should Condi be shoe shopping while children in Anbar province are killed, maimed, deafened, orphaned?

should Georgie be doing donuts on his farm while another mother finds out her child is dead?

shouldn't you be losing control? shouldn't you be crying with the news of every troop surge, every cut in veteran's spending, every rich white boy that gets put in intelligence instead of infantry? doesn't it kill you when that nice kid that sat two rows over in math class junior year is coming home in a coffin?

how can we sit here, not care, not hurt for this? this is not patriotism, this apathy and this silence. this is OUR country, and it belongs to the righteous and the brave. i am a patriot, and i LOVE my country. i would die for my country without a moment's thought, but this is not our country that our kids are dying for. this is the country that belongs to the weak, the cowardly, the greedy.

so why not fight for our country? why not stand up, be PROUD to be american. because we are ALL americans, regardless of faith, skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. we ALL have a say in what is done in our name. this war is NOT done in my name, nor is it done in any of yours.

do you support torture? do you support the SLAUGHTER of innocent civilians? do you support the greedy theft of another country's oil? do you support every single bullet that rips through a body, regardless of what they believe?

if you do, then get the fuck away from me. you're not my friend, and i don't ever want to see you again. if you can sit there and feel fine about what's going on over there, then you have no conscience.

i've watched too many of my friends get on that plane to fight for something that has been lost in translation. somewhere down the line, someone read the constitution and our declaration and our bill of rights and misinterprated it. someone decided that the bible is the most important principal, regardless of our laws and our FOUNDATIONS. this country was not founded on religion, be it christian or otherwise. this country was founded on FREEDOM, which is rapidly being taken from us.

they can rifle through our houses.

they can check our library records.

they can deny us permission to travel.

they can watch us, 24/7, no matter who we are.

they can listen to our phone conversations.

they can lock us up for no reason.

they can control our bodies, our minds, our freedoms.

we're not in america anymore. we're in communist china.

if you're feeling what i just through at you, then don't stay quiet. shout it from the rooftops, and don't apologize. this is america--land of the free and home of the brave.

be brave.

dear god, it's cold in here.

i feel like an otter pop!

so tonight was pretty weird, but altogether good... all day's been like that. don't ask me why--i couldn't tell you if i tried.

just a feeling.

i'm pretty tired right now, and my eyes are doing that thing where they cross halfway, realize that they're crossing, and over-correct themselves.

should have been in bed hours ago, but SOMEONE decided to make me wait forever to see him.

worth the wait, every time.

david, i know that you might have expected a good blog, but i'm too damn tired. i'll write one in the morning, maybe.

i shall now go bury myself in bed. penguino awaits!

g'night, kids.

we've been far, far away from here
put on a poncho, played for mosquitos
and everywhere in between
well, okay, we get along
so what if right now everything's wrong

well, it's over. david and i now cease to be.

and it's my fault, of course. one slip of the tongue and now it's over.

i still don't know how to react. it's never been over like this... he was so hurt, so angry. i don't think i've ever seen him lose it like that. he nearly left me to fend for myself at 3 a.m. on 4th street. he wasn't the man i fell in love with.

then again, what am i supposed to do? he told me, before i went out last night, that he never wanted to see me again, and i just snapped. for the third time this week, he pushed me away, and it killed me. i can't just be okay with being hurt over and over again. i can't be okay with crying every time he doesn't show up, with wondering whether he's out fucking amelia, with thinking that he doesn't want me.

that's not really the kind of girl that i am, honestly... before david, i was never a pushover. i said what i wanted, did what i wanted, and didn't answer to anyone. granted, i didn't have the same urges to make these choices before he came along, either, but that doesn't matter. i don't like feeling like i'm tied down to someone who doesn't appreciate me.

he told me, once we fought a lot, that he was going to give me all that stuff i wanted--moving in together, taking down all of amelia's little artifacts, maybe even getting married. like he expected me to know that this time was different. hell, i still don't even believe that he was really going to do that. i can't believe it every time, and eventually it drove me nuts.

so i kissed lucian.

and i don't totally regret it. honestly, i'm kind of glad i did it, because otherwise i never would have found out how david can really be.

so i'm torn today. i'm torn between feeling guilty and feeling relieved that i don't have to hurt anymore over him.

if it makes you happy
it can't be that bad
if it makes you happy
then why the hell are you so sad?

it's a sad state of affairs when an episode of "one tree hill" (watched only as a last resort) makes you realize what's really important in life.

::sigh::

i've been having these severe flashback issues lately, mostly fueled by the fact that i'm bored and have little destractions to keep me sane.

also fueling these fits of mad rememberance is the fact that chelsea and i are kind of reconnecting after a few months of being nearly out of contact. it didn't bother me so much because there were valid reasons for this lack of friendshippy thing, but chelsea has been such a huge part of my life for like 4 1/2 years now, and it's kind of sucking not to have her around.

so, therefore, i hereby dub this the "hey, you, yeah, i love ya" blog.

messages for those of you i still love...

***

chelsea: hey girlie. i know things have been crazy for you, but you always pull through for me when i really need you. you're amazing in every single little way, and i hope you remember that. there's not a lot to say to you that you don't already know, lol!

katie: i miss you. like SO much. i miss your terrible jokes, your silly laugh, and your comforting presence. i miss our stupid conversations, and i miss the way you can brighten up any bad day. my thoughts are constantly drifting to you, whether it's celia telling me terrible stories about changing your sister's diaper or just me surfing myspace and seeing your profile. i know i kind of suck royally at keeping in touch, but i'm trying. i promise. CALL ME like the second you get this...

david: talking monkey? yeah, came here from the future... ugly sucker, only says "ficus..."

joseph: you're fuckin' cool, dude. you're kind of like my best friend, and it's pretty crazy... never would have seen that one coming! i hope you know how damn important you are to me. plus, i can read that blog you wrote after i kissed you and it makes me all glowy and happy and shit. ;) oh, and that chick (you know who i'm talkin' about) is crazy for shooting you down.

jake: the "gravy" at mannie's is gross. tried it; hated it. you're a freak.

genny: french fries are non-lethal attack mechanisms. that said, david's a dick. but you knew that.

***

umm, if i forgot you, kill me in my sleep.