I think I am doing good with this post. Atleast it didn't take me 5 months to make another post, just one lol. Oh how the world has changed so quickly. I'm content with it right now, for the time being. I wasn't before I'll addmit, but now I think it is safe to say that I am indeed "okay." I see the world through a whole new light now, and the little girl inside of me, the one that was so afraid to grow up, is finally, very slowly, letting go of her favorite childhood toy. She leaves it behind without realization more and more each day. Though it might sound heartbreaking, it is after all part of growing up. I haven't changed to a drastic messure though,no, I am still the same personality wise. I just have more responsibilities now. I have a husband, and a life growing inside of me more and more everyday, and in 4 more months it will be here, and it will expect me to know how to take care of it and raise it. That is one of the most frightening things you can ever imagine. Especially when you are only a 20 year old who is barely getting used to living with someone who is not her mother.

Life is full of surprises around every corner. Some corner's have sharper edges than others, and you have to be careful not to run into one. I hope I don't run into any and fall flat on my face. I hope I can do as good of a job with my own child as my mother did with me.

It will be a strange new adventure and new chapter to my life. We will never truely ever be alone like we are now. Before all this took place we couldn't wait to be alone. For it just to be the 'two of us.' In the reality of it all that 'alone' time never happened. Even now we are not truely alone. Just because something can not be seen yet doesn't mean it is not there. A part of me is saddened by this realization, but another part of me doesn't mind it so much. I think everything will work out for the better in the long run. I'm not a little girl anymore, and no matter how much i say i'd give anything to be the way I was at 18, so free and just living, I would never give up my husband and child for "anything."

So this year has come and went all too quickly. It's amazing how fast a year can go by. I think they go by faster and faster every one. That is kind of scary in a way. So I haven't really updated in awhile I know, so I will start off with saying that 2006 was fairly good to me, just like I predicted at the beginning of this year. I went to great amazing shows, fall out boy,panic!at the disco,lola ray....yes lola ray ended up coming to AZ again after all and i bless them for it, cute is what we aim for,panic! at the disco AGAIN lol, and just got back from a show promoted by The Edge radio station in phx. It was a great show, shiny toy guns,say anything,ok go,plain white t's,taking back sunday, and afi. All the shows i went to were amazing ones. Other events that happened to me this year...i finally got my GED back in march. I officially completed my new years resolutions. How many people do u know can say that? that's what i thought bitches lol. I also got engaged on my birthday. With that came one of the few life changing events which included me leaving my mother and fiance' moving in. Still getting used to all that. The house is a wreak right now cause we need to put vinyl in, which is sitting outside in our backyard  joy...i have other big news im thinking of announcing officially soon. Only a few of u know but soon everyone will. Its another life changing thing. That's all I have for now. Just a quick update on what I achived this year lol nothing too amazing, I didnt set world peace but I did meet a couple of rock stars lol if u want to call them that,to me they are though. 

Change is an amazing thing. With it come amazing new events and challenges as well. Some are for the better and others leave you uncertin, but they are all apart of life. As much as we would like things to stay the same forever, that idea is something of the impossible. And sometimes you are hit with something so life changing that you may never really recover from it. It becomes an imprint in your life, and a moment you know you will never forget.

I can't help but wonder about it. i don't really know if i am strong enough to deal with some things. Only time can tell. Sometimes i am ready to grow up and to start a wonderful life, but then other times, like everyone else in this world, i wish time would freeze and i could just stay this way forever and always. But the reality of it is yet impossible again.

I have been handed a wall of new challenges, of new change, and I am taking it all in within a few months. Can I do it? I think i believe in myself enough to. I was always told that a positive attitude would help you in the long run. When i was little, my mother used to put on this episode of this kiddie show on disney called Dumbo's Circus, and everytime I told her I couldn't do something she would put the tape into the vcr and play the tape on it. The reason for this was because of a song Lily the tight rope walking cat would sing. It was a gay song but none the less that song has kept my positive attitude. It used to go something like this "never give up never quit never say never no way never say (?) never say why never say goodbye instead of trying" it sounds stupid and gay but when you're little things like that do have an impact on you. I try not to be a negative person, I hate negative people and negativity. I think it's because i am a strong believer in hope. I don't believe in giving up. I wasn't brought up that way. Because of this I know that all these life changing events that are going to take place in the next few months will just be another test that life has decided to throw at me. Life has given me a very big test right now. I hope I will be good at it. I hope that I will get through everything in one peice. I hope for a lot of things...

soo i never use this thing. why? i dunno cause im boring?who knows. anyways my b-day is in13 days..wow the big 2-0. i feel old :( but in a sense i dont. in a sense i feel like maybe my life is just starting know what i mean? its weird, im old enough to buy porn but still not old enough to drink yet. and ive always been waiting to be old enough to just be old enough to do anything. i still feel like a baby in a way because of that. i look at this year coming up of where i get to be 20 for a whole 12 months and i thinkwow this is the last year i can be little. after this birthday the next one will be the one that i have always waited for. that sounds cheesy but its true. all my life everyone has always been older than me. i always got excluded from things cause i was too young. but what am i talking about? i still have 12 months to enjoy being 20. but the sad thing is that i wont be a teenager anymore. as much as i just said that i have been waiting to be old enough a part of me wishes i could stay like this always. no one ever really wants to grow up. i would like to sometimes. i think about it a lot. how nice it would be to just start a life. i know right now i pretty much am carefree. there are so many things i wish i could do before i just settle down. i see old friends all the time and they bring back so many great memories, like the time the power went out at the beach club apts. and all we had were candles, hookah, and great accoustic music. i miss those friends sometimes. i miss the music and the laughing and the talks. the pool hall and the breezeway after school. photography classramones and the clash. and silly black leather jackets. i saw a familure face today that is why all this stuff is coming back to me. someone who used to be a good friend and maybe a little more than that at times. i wont get into that though. I think of all this stuff and then i think of where i am nowand im very happy that i have someone in my life who is every bit as wonderful as i could ever ask for. i lived a pretty fast life before, and some of the people and things i did im not very proud of, and i wish i could erase them, but they say what doesnt break you makes you stronger. i learned a lot from those people. but those people also took a lot from me. my respect for guys was very slim for a very long time. i had a trust issue, and a fear of being left alone after awhile. I dont have that fear anymore. i am very happy with my 8 month relationship. Everything around it is perfect. i love him so much that it hurts! i have never loved anyone this way. i thought i did, but the longer i went into this relationship the more i realized that everything i had before could never compare to what i have now. i wish the world i live outside of this relationship felt just as sweet. im scared that im never going to amount to anything. im so confused as to what i want to do with my life, and so paranoid that i will never change. i dont want to be doing the same thing i am now 2 years from now. but i also dont know what type of career i would be good at. i have so many desires and so many dreams its hard to pick one.And its hard to pick a good stable one. I dont want to be the girl who did nothing with her life. I want to be someone who did something good. Something to be proud of. Its rare that people are ever proud of me. There are sooo many things i want to do, and so many things i have already done, but Im not finished yet. Im afraid I will be that person who has like 10 kids and then have them ask me what great things i did when i was young and me saynothing. I know i have a few good stories, but i want more. i want them to tell their kids of all the things i did. i know one day i wont be around anymore and that scares me like you would not believe, but i know that i dont want to be the one who never achieved anything. i know i am supposed to do something great with my life. i can feel it. ive met so many people and i have a lot of talents. I may only be 20, but im scared i wont figure out what my purpose in this world is. This post is really long lol. Anyway I could go on forever but I wont so Im stopping the post now. I feel a lot better.

I Love...



* how you always kiss me good night
weather it be in person or on the phone

* the way you can always make me laugh

* your smile

* when you hug me tight

* how you let me wipe my eyeliner off ur face
if it gets on you

* that you always reach for my hand in
the car

* the way ur always trying to please me
even though u already do without trying

* taking naps with you

* the way you open doors for me

* the way i've introduced you to a new
type of music scene

* how you love my music

* when you kiss me without warning

* kisses on the cheek too

* how we don't have a problem getting along

* that we never truely fight

* when you say 'i love you too' instead of 'ditto'

* that i'm not afraid to be myself around you

* when you tell me everything that happened to you
throughout the day

* watching movies with you

* when you fall asleep at my house for a few hours
then leave in the middle of the night

* how you stayed with me until my mom came home
really late

* the little things you do for me

* when you wear your glasses

* that you acctually cooked for me

* how you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me &hearts

you know u live in yuma when...


Body: 1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.

2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.

3. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

6. "Dress code" is meaningless at high schools and universities (picture lingerie ads).

7. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

9. The four seasons are: TOLERABLE, HOT, REALLY HOT, AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

10. You know that the heat you feel when you walk outside is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

11. You think someone driving wearing oven mits is brilliant.

12. Salsa is a part of your daily diet.

13. You can listen to a weather report of 117 and not flinch.

14. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

15. You can pronounce San Xavier, Saguaro, Tempe, and Cholla

16. You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.

17. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

18. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour...and it will be over 100 degrees.

19. You can make sun tea instantly

20. You run your a/c in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.

21. The best parking is determined by shade.....not distance.

22. You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance

23. You actually burn your hand opening the car door

24. Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter.

25. You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box

26. Some fools will market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them. Worse.....some fools actually try to jog.

27. You know hot air balloons can't rise because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.

28. No one would dream of putting vinyl inside a car

29. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River, and, on that note, you have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.

30. You can fry an egg on the hood of a car IN THE MORNING!

31. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

32. Most of the restaurants in town have start with "El" or "Los" or end in "bertos."

33. Your house is made of stucco and has a tile roof.

34. You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.

37. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

38. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.

39. You can't find anyone at a park until 7:00 PM

40. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Arizona.

Forgive me for i have sinned
i have let you in
i have bared my soul,
some secrets i have told.

I've addmited that you complete me.
it's obvious i'm in very deeply.

Passed the first and second layers of skin
my feelings lie within.
Burried not too deep
exopsed enough for you to see.

I have sinned so greatly.
You are a reason to breathe,
forgive me
my world and my salvation
repenting is out of the question

You are a drug and I am addicted,
there is no turning back.
I have given up my faith,
here is my heart,
it's yours to take.

-------------------------------
In the shadows I will sleep
fallen darkness i will keep

lost beyond repair
is my mind
blackened by these thoughts
i can't define

wounded from a battle i have started,
a war against my very self

tainted is my voce which
has forgotten how to cry
for "help"

all these feelings i have felt

created by the lonliest corner
of my heart,
i watch in amazement through broken eyes,
as my whole world,
slowly begins to die.

--------------------------------

I watch the clock
count the hours,
I hear the water dripping
from the shower
This silent home is so noisey
it never lets me think
If only these walls could speak

My world is a mary-go-round of emotions
a carosel of devotions

In uneven lines I move
to the safety of my room
here everything stays hidden
these walls will never give in.

 

I am the party...and you're late

I've already found someone to dance with...

and he's great...

 

there are many words to say

but to say them all would take

more than a day

just know that i am happy

in this world there is hardly

anything lacking

don't worry about impressing

it's already been achived

don't worry about what you

wear

i promise i wont care

everything i'm feeling im not

afraid to share

there's nothing left to hide

i've swallowed all my pride

stored it away in a box

somewhere tucked behind

my socks

i am an open book

yours for the taking

read me up and down

rip out the chapters

titled 'doubt'

those you can throw out

i need no more convincing

you are everything...

I've been missing