I tend to put people on pedestals, or lower them far beneath my level. There is no middle ground when it comes to my feelings for the general population. Many people in my family call me "impulsive" but I tend to see myself as wishy-washy. One day I will be fond of someone and the next day I will be bored out of my mind with a person. I look to others to entertain me. I expect people to be exciting and fun and if they are not then I want to toss them out because I don't love them anymore.
After I do that and I see that they don't really miss me, I then get sad or upset because I feel like I'm not worth anything to them. Why don't they come chasing after me? I get hurt and I want whoever or whatever it was even more, because I want to prove that I'm the best thing in the world and they need me. I'm just that hard headed. This is a pattern that has developed in my life for the past 8 years or so and I'm just now catching on to it.
This sudden realization that my love is conditional and based solely on A) how can you entertain me? or B) how can I prove to you how great I am, is some what of a turning point for me. But I know that once I am aware of disturbing behaviors I am then able to accept them and admit that I cannot control them.
Only when I admit that I am powerless over my actions do I truly gain power, by sharing with others who have done the same things as I have. They can give to me their experience on the matter and help me walk through it with strength and grace. Because a man alone is not great, but mankind is wonderful.

I'm tired of all of my friends trying to make me feel guilty when I don't go out at night and hang out with them because I have school work, because I have to go to work in the morning, or because I have to go to church. My life is taking a different path and I'm okay with it. If everyone else is not okay with it then please do not try to make me feel bad and keep your opinion to yourself. I don't have time to socialize as much because I'm too busy studying. I can't go out every single night of the week. I can barely make it to meetings. I've been trying to set boundaries, but no one seems to want to accept them. For me, church does count as a meeting, and if you don't believe in that then that's absolutely okay-but don't you dare push your beliefs onto me. I make at least three meetings a week. There are people who, believe it or not, can't go out every single night. I am one of them because I need all eight hours of sleep. Just because I "don't want to go out after a meeting" doesn't mean that I should go out. That's not what it's about.
Recovery is about keeping your priorities in order. If I fail out of school I won't get a good job. I'll feel like shit and that's right where I started out at. It's about keeping commited and staying focused. I would expect my friends to be okay with the fact that I can't go out all the time. Please be more understanding.

everything just seems so trite. i don't really even realize what is going on or how this is going to affect me in the long run. i'll be brief and try to sum up my feelings in a sentence: life is like a monsoon and just when i think it's over, it keeps coming back for more.

i told my mom that i just don't understand
the concept of a conservative woman.
she said that i didn't have to understand
and that it was okay with her.

So I've started this new medication for epilepsy and I can't stop itching myself. It feels like I have fleas and dandruff. Also I am hot all the time and am really depressed. My boyfriend swears I am getting better and maybe my seizures have gotten so much better. Maybe I just don't remember how bed they were but my first medication had no negative side effects WHATSOEVER. 

The chance that I could suddenly die right now for no apparent reason is twice as high as you. Because I have epilepsy. I just found that out. Also if I have kids, the chance that they end up mentally retarted is twice as high too.

This is all so stupid. I want to kill whoever invented seizures.

Loves it. If you want to do it with me send me a message. I'll let you know where I do it. You get a few days of free trials. It's so freaking awesome and fuuuun!!!

do you want some
coco-
nut soda?
i pass him the can and he
reads the label.
slowly his eyebrow folds up,
unenthused,

god no! these things have
400 calories in them, you know!
he not so much exclaims but bitches
back as a response.

no, i didn't know actually,
i ponder to myself.

out loud i wonder if perhaps
he wouldn't like to try something new.

he tells me that he's had things
like this before because he's
been to the caribbean.

that's nice,
i think.

TO ALL THE MARRIED MEN: Relationships are about communication, love, and mutual respect. So tell your wives to fuck you more or differently or whatever instead of hitting on my friends who are innocent or don't know what you're doing. I don't enjoy having to pull them to the side and pointing this stuff out and watching their faces droop down and their bodies schlup over in a defeated mass of devastation.  Nor do I enjoy coming off as cold and insensitive by having to restate my boundaries in different manners for the sake of being tactful. Yet I must hold you at arm's length because I can smell the stench of your odorous misdoings(much like your cologne) from a mile away; I know your type.