.Stuck... in a certain way.. not necessarily an old way.. and not entirely new.. but I can't seem to get my feet out of the mud.. i tried tip toeing around it, but i stepped too hard. Advice. Easy to give... but hard to except. "You always know what to say to put things in perspective, and you know what to think about.".... But I have no idea how to advise myself.  Confidence. Its' a quality to have.. and success depends on it ... but once lost it takes time to regain. I miss my confidence. I may seem to be confident in every aspect of my life.. but the truth is that the only thing I'm confident in is that I need to change. I contradict myself more than I should... i change my mind more times  in a minute than the average person does in a week. I can never seem to find one thing to be completely sure on... I feel more comfortable by myself... but I have found myself to rely on the company of others. I plan ahead.. but i break 90% of all plans that i make. I raise the bar high... but i find myself just missing the passing point. I've created big dreams, and plan on achieving them... but my dreams change daily. To conclude this entire trinity to my endless amount of contradictions, realities, truths, and lies... I have initially decided that i will never decide on just one thing. My happiness relies on variety... change to the absolute maximum... continuous surprise of opportunities.. and endless questions that i will never take the time to actually answer.   

So I've Come To The Conclusion That Anything Can Be Okay... As Long As It's Not Acknowledged. Something may be assumed.. but it's not wrong or disappointing until it's proven truth. Something may be presented clear infront of your face... but until it slaps you its goes unrecognized. The sad, but truth to reality is that ANYTHING can be okay as long as it looks okay.. It doesn't matter if it really is. If something looks clean... it doesn't matter how it became that way, as long as the surface looks good. If someone looks happy it honestly doesn't matter why.. just as long as there's a smile.. The number one thing you learn when growing up is how to lie or tell half truths. When you're young you were told never to lie... but as you grow up you find its a lot nicer and easier telling someone what they want to hear instead of how it really is. Anything can be done.. but until its presented out in the open it will never be wrong.  In todays society we are more worried about whats public instead of whats hidden under the surface.. and we are perfectly content with knowing only what will keep us happy.

Unless acknowledged the guilt of a secret will never be held over your head. Without presentation the disappointment of truth will never be mentioned. And reguardless if you understand the truth of a contradicting reality it will still not change the audience's opinion. But expect to dissapoint with anything to the unfamiliar, prepare for discrimanation for anything newly recognized. and realize that to give happiness is to give someone absolutely anything or everything they want to hear... not nessicerally actually letting them recieve it.

Entirely contradictory.... ridiculously stubborn and naive....

... but in all I'm a girl that wants nothing that can hold me back... I care for too many.. but only allow a handful close. I have an act for picking relationships that I know will not work out from the start... but thats what drives me to try... tho I give up extremely easy. I generally look for a good time... but I refuse to let anyone but myself stress me out... I will NEVER put more effort into someone else than they put into me... I'm not on that kid shit, I give no time to boys... only men are considered. But even with all that, the truth of the matter is.. I'm not ready to find anyone.. and I wont be until i have my life set.. I have my plan.. i know what I want to do... and I will not let there be any reason for me to change my mind to not forefill my goals. I'm a flirt... and I will unintentionally lead you on into thinking I want something more... or that i feel more than I do... Theres a man that has my heart... and i can honestly say that up until recently i didn't realize how strong his hold was on me... I'm a crazy little girl with big dreams and high hopes. I'm fearless...which makes me vunerable... but I'm smart which contradicts my riduclous actions. I work hard.. and can hold mine.. but i know theres people that will help me if I slip up.

Fact:  There Is Not One Person That Will Ever Truely Understand Why I Do What I Do.

Fact:  I'm Confident In Myself.. But I Usually Need A Little Reassurance.

...The Best Friends Ever.

For my 18th birthday Sarah, Amanda, and Kels put together a surprise party for me... lol.. one that i almost didn't go to. They made a cake, got balloons.. and a 30 pack and some yeager! LoL. It was sooo much fun... Dennis picked up my car around 6ish to take it down to get it fixed... And than Matt picked me up around 8ish, and me him and Snoopy just chilled.. I had my phone in my purse.. and when i checked it it was blown the fuck up, steady missed txts and calls from sarah, amanda, and kels. LoL. I felt like a total asshole. So Matt, Snoopy and I got our asses over there asap. I got Snoopy drunk as hell... And I was on that pong table all night.. and than I was taking yeager bombs.... I had a blast. And I could not believe that they actually set all that up for me.

:-]

For the Past few two days ive been working, and we've been really busy at the restaurant... I'm making good money, but its tireing. I finally have today off, but tomarrow I have to be in by 10am. I start bartending school on Monday.. and I'll be finished July 5th  :] So i'm back on track... and everything is going how I'd like it to be...

So my 18th birthday!! ohh shit... starts at 6am callin my pop to help me fix my lovely car... he didn't do anything though... since 8am this morning I've been waiting for a tow truck to come pick it up... i have a leak in my break lines... and i have absolutely no break fluid left... so driving home last night from work was sooo scarey. But I made it.... At 7:30am I got a txt message from Joan, and found out she was in LABOR! Go figure, the one day i dont have my car... I was supposed to go up to the bartending school today also... that got knocked off my schedual too. Francie and Joan picked me up on their way to the Hospital... and at 11:12am I watched my God Daughter Allison Rose Macklin be born! She is absolutely adorable!!! Me and Francie were up at the hospital all day with joan till about 3:30.. then i had francie drop me off so i could finally get something done with this damn car.. but i'm still waiting on Dennis to come pick it up. I really hope its not expensive... I was planning on using my money towards bartending school... but i ain't making it anywhere without my car.

So overall my first day of being legal has proved a few things... First, through this next year I'm going to come up on a lot of challenges... and its going to be up to me to fix and figure them out... Theres going to be a lot of new beginnings... and a lot of endings... Theres a level of maturity that I am entitled to reach... and my experiences and goals are going to help me reach that level.. Sometimes my plans will not work out as quickly and as smoothly as  I want them to.. but something will always go right....

Get on my level..

mizz independent.... mizz congeniality... I'm one wild chicka.... I'm confusing as hell... and would rather not make sense. I complicate EVERYTHING... but I keep things interesting.. I'm addicting.. but refuse to work too hard for your attention. I won't put in effort that i will not recieve back... I will not place my heart in anyone's hands... or trust anyone other than myself. My life has been an upside down rollar coaster ride... so there's absolutely nothing you can throw at me that will catch me at surprise. Lately I'm on that single status.. and I'm just doing me.. Im puttin myself where I want to be in life... Im finally that highschool graduate. Come Wedensday.. I'm be that legal hottie... and in two weeks I'll be that sexxy bartender.... Come September I'll be that Miami Mami.... and I'll be rocking that grown woman status. Eventually I'll be everything that i want to be.. and who knows maybe I'll find someone to take on this ride with me.

The truth is that I'm one of a kind... my story is original... and hopefully you'll never have one similar.. I love few... care for many.. I have a huge heart.. but try to act hard.  I'll  never be in a situation to where ill rely on someone else. And thats how I'm staying.

...And You Tell Me To Breathe Easy...

So I've been steady working hard... I've been completely draining myself out... but in the end it'll be worth it.. a few details in my plan have changed.. but the main object of success is still the same. Only a few more days!! and Ill finally graduate! After that is where my plan gets a little shaky but ill figure it out when it comes to that point. I really miss a certain special person that has been in my life... I hope he's okay.... For damn sure if there's any people I can thank for actually accomplishing all that I have it'd be Ms. Cousin and Chris. Ms. Cousin constantly pushed me to work hard and to not give up no matter what happened. She never accepted less than the best from me.. and even after i moved on from her class she still stuck with me. And Chris. No matter what anyone told me, you always knew what to say to make everything better.. You helped me start believing in myself again.. and made me realize so many things. And no matter what I'll never forget neither of you. I'm a pain in the ass.... I'm sometimes rude, I'm neive, I'm a smartass... I'm hard headed... and only few people can ever make me believe that I'm actually wrong...  But in the end.. I'm gonna be the person that everyone thought i couldnt be... and prove to everyone how much they under estimated me.

Step One:

June 13th my highschool education is finally complete.  I'll never again have to walk back into that riduclous school with little kids.. I won't ever have to answer to anyone else what I want to do with my future... or expect anyone to pretend to care

Step Two:

June 17th! I'm finally legal!!! I'll be 18 baby, and not a moment too soon. Being 18 is not going to change much.. but now I'll officially have no limitations to what i can do... being young only slowed down my progression.. never stopped it.. but now Ill have nothing holding me back.. And my first adult move of being 18... Start bartending school and get my foot in the door. I finally got myself a "real" job about a month ago.. I'm done with the part time movie theathers... but the pizza place is still there.. but not a major concern.. but now I'll have a chance to make real money.

Step Three:

Leave Jersey! So i've come to the conclusion that for the past 6 years, my life has initially turned upside down... I've lost practically everything that was close to me. I pushed away the people that cared for me.. I've grown up imencely, but sometimes lack maturity... I was pushed to grow up fast, missing a few stepping stones inbetween.. But through all my troubles and hardships.. I have created myself into a strong young woman... that refuses to give up for any reason.. I'm optimistic.. but thats what keeps me smiling... I'm carefree, and thats what makes me spontanious... but also neive. I'm fearless.. so i never have a reason to back off of my dreams... And my number one quailty is my independence.. i do not need someone to hold my hand through every action in my life.. I do not need constant reassurance that I'm doing something right.. My entire life I was never good enough for anyone.. But now I'm good enough for myself.. And I don't need the approval from someone who's worse off than I am. I will be everything that i want.. I will end up where i work hard to go... and one day you'll never recognize this crazy little country girl you all knew.

...In Order For You To Understand the true effect of your actions....

My biggest flaw is my spontaneous behavior. A weakness I've fought with my entire life... I don't think before I act... But than afterward I wonder why the hell I put myself in that situation. I have a big heart.. but once I run into something I don't know how to deal with I do something to block out how I feel.. but than as soon as I'm finished I regret every bit of my actions... I'm a confusing little girl... my heart never matches my mind.. my actions never meet my feelings... and I only make sense on a rare occasion. But my intentions are to NEVER hurt someone... I get jealous... but I cancel out my jealousy by getting even... I'm spiteful.. but I never mean to be harmful. No matter how much I claim to be mature, there's a lot of growing up I missed out on. I try to make sense.. but i never actually win.. The things and people I want the most are usually the ones that are left more confused than ever.. I don't try to be a pain in the ass..  I was just born that way.. I'm a natural disaster of the pure American race. Another broken child just trying to grow up... But I won't make any excuses for myself.. there's no reason to.. I know how I act.. I know I'm wrong.. and I'm working on fixing it.. But that's one of them bad habits that's taking me a little while to break.

I do care... and that's what bothers me the most... You matter to me... and that's why I never want to hurt you.... I took a chance.... but I took it too soon... I fell for you.. and that's why I couldn't react when you couldn't feel the same way... It takes a lot for me to take down walls... but when i try to rebuild its all in pieces.. I'm a simply complicated girl... who barely understands my own actions until I see it from someone else's point of view. I can't expect anyone to care for a person like me... but there's always that hope... I might be a mess.. but I'm working on cleaning myself up... and I've accomplished a lot in the past few months.

....pretend to care... but never get close... give it your everything but then take it back as soon as possible... Work hard at putting out the bait... but discard once you actually get the fish.

I'm unbreakable because the truth to the matter is that I'm entirely shattered already.. But the truth of my heart has yet to bother me anymore... I take things as they come.. Nothing comes as a surprise to me... If something can go wrong it will... And the number one thing that I've realized is the ones that held the pieces to my heart are the ones that I try to never let go... but are the farthest away. I DON'T know what I want in my life... I DON'T know where I'll be this time next year.  I DON'T know who I should really trust, but my ultimate reaction is to trust no one but myself.. But sometimes I even let myself down... Right now I'm dealing with things the best way I think is possible... I'm workin hard.. I'm holdin my job... I'm making the money I need to be making.. I thought I had more than what I did.... but it's to no surprise that I jump to conclusions. I'm depending on myself and no one else.... And after my last I don't want to put anyone else in my life anytime soon.

It's hard to pretend.... but Its a learned trait just to turn yourself off.. If you can't feel you can't be happy or sad... You can't be disappointed or excited...  But its a shame that everything can't be just black and white