to each other was their looks. If one felt it
was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed
the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in
every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other
a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins'
birthday their father loaded the pessimist's
room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.


That night the father passed by the pessimist's
room and found him sitting amid his new gifts
crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have
to read all these instructions before I can do
anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father
found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's
got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Source  

'Knowledge Reigns Supreme'

'Move from Demand to Supply'

Image via Wikipedia

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Husbands Performance

Image by nickso2 via Flickr

I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't understand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird

I'm just a normal fella who goes off to work each day
I do my job, lunch with my mates, each week collect my pay
But in the night I dread the bed, each night is just the same
Cause all my dreams are kinky, one overnight sick game.

I'm dressed in a G-string tied in a bow
There's a chicken in a garter belt, Oh God no!
Birds fly by and wolf whistle overhead
Don't roll over there's a roo in the bed ...

15 Strippers all in a row
All with bra-straps ready to blow
One pretty lady dancin' in my lap
Don't you touch or you'll get a nasty slap.

I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I think one day when I was small, Ma dropped me in the sink
By day I'm just a normal sod, by all my dreams are kinked

I'd like to have a girlfriend, but it just never does work out
We get on fine until they find what my night dreams are about
Then they drop me like a stone, they say they can't compete
With nude three-breasted women with vibrators on their feet

Hippos in tutus, hot oil & cream
Chains and whips all to make me scream
Lizards & snakes all in strange places
They're gettin' it on & making lewd faces

When dreaming the nightclubs everywhere
Are chock full of animals in underwear
Teddy Bears in teddies, wombats in hot pants
All we need now is a couple thousand ants

I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
My life could be near perfect, my life could be real fun
If only when I slept the chorus girls weren't dressed like nuns

I went to see a famous shrink, to straighten out my head
I told him if I can't get fixed I might as well be dead
He laid me down & said "tell me of your erotic dreams"
I said "One feather is erotic, not whole chickens soaked in cream!"

There are female wrestlers all covered in jelly
Exotic dancers doing things with their bellies
A cute sexy lady, covered in mud
Whispers in my ear with the voice of Elmer Fudd

There are strong males strippers with bricks in their jocks
With all those square corners they couldn't be socks
This stuff all around me is one kinky dream
Whatever you imagine I'm sure to have a theme

I guess it is my lot to life, can't beat it so I'll join
I suppose that they are only dreams they don't even cost a coin
So if at night you happen to hear me in my sleep
Just think, "that lucky bugger, is dancing naked tending sheep."

I'm just a normal guy, just as plain as one can be.
My Mum & Dad were average folks, & that's how they raised me
I don't under stand it, it's to normal things I'm geared
By day my life is sane, but at night my dreams are weird

Copyright; 1998 S. L. (Woody) Meltcher

Link: Funny Poems and Poetry

Image via Wikipedia

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Link: JokesUnlimited