Into the dark i stare again
Waiting at the gates staring into her eyes
The souless of Neptune is she
The only one who has entranced me

Cha'ya... i mutter
Watching the same fanged creature who i see everyday
Yet he is my ally
She is not... currently
Such wrongs i have written her in the past
By her name such crimes
Yet her angelic vampiric eyes
And how her celetrial bite she makes me forget...
Those nightmares i seem to crave away
Until the day when i first gazed her eyes again
Only she has unlocked my black wings...
Bleeding from the weight of my families sins
And yet my own misgivings from my decorated past
The more she bites the more i am purified
They will turn back to white one day

How i long for serenity within her eyes
Even the vampiric gaze can affect a garou if he has human emotions tied to it
But where my heart longs where but my head directs me another
To reawaken the mortal who's immortal trait I locked away because of my mistake
Hmmm... I almost let him kill her
His anger is almost as bad as mine...
Hmm... Is that her design on us two?
To stop us from attempting what she fears?
Gaia?
Will you see that we will not be at ends at each other for long Raziel and I
We grew smart to it ages ago
Fate
A human belief
Human emotions taint the family

Vor ich bin die Fuhrer die Valentines
Ja...
Ich weiss...
Fuhrer

Therefore i know everything that binds and taints us

And as I lay down to sleep
Pray the Lady my soul to take
For if i return before i wake
Purify my lady will forsake

I'm so tired of humanity currently
I long for spirit and pagan kind
The only bloom in my bed of dead flowers
The black and red roses of the family
And the liles that i was first buried in Millenia ago

So long...
Yet not time yet...
If only Gaia knew what we shall do...
If only she knew...

Death awaits us but who awaits death

I've just got back from Queen Mary's Hospital, near Sidcup [For all people from overseas who are likely to read this, its in the suburbs of London]. My great-grandad is there at the moment after suffering from Critical Cardiac Failure. Yeah. His heart started to fail. I'm not going to complain tho, the NHS, tho fucked up as it is, has treated him well and today he seems better according to my Nan and Great-Grandma who have visited him since he was admitted on Friday.

Ok. He is 96 tomorrow, Monday the 22nd of April. He was a baby during the first world war, and survived the bombs and the shelling of London in the second. He's seen the crowning of Elizabeth II and a fair few royal weddings. And to be honest, he looked bad today. He's lost alot of weight and is shaking and out of breath alot. I'm not sure of how much longer he will be with us. But if he goes, he goes its a fact of life, we all get ill, old and die. We all die.

And whilst this happens, i've been watching my family basically fall apart due to my aunt [Please see an earlier journal dated in the December/January region] and have had to deal with stupid mistakes, low-self confidence and lack of enthusiam in alot of things.
Well seeing him today like that, i VOW to change. Its time i grew up a little and took so responsibility for my actions and my lifestyle i'm choosing.

Today.
Everything was put into prespective

To my great-grandfather
George Robbins.

Its hard sometimes, for me to keep alot of my thoughts under-wraps
But the years have gone by, and slowly I've become better at mastering my self control
Expect for a few moments of madness, where i don't understand who, what, or where i am.
And all i see is the crimson red rage
My rage
My over-fill of emotion pouring out
And becoming destructive

It's like a form of self defence, which only leads to my own destruction inevitably
I hurt the people who i love the most
All they do is say hi
Or ask how i am
And i bite their heads off in pure hatred
When nothing...
NOTHING is their fault over whats transpired

Nothing but my own self-hatred
My own self-bitterness
And my self-dispise

Thats when i begin to cry
And scream
Sometimes to Slipknot
Sometimes to Muse
Sometimes to the high heavens

I cry my pain away
I wish it away...

Then i begin rebuilding my Terminated self control for the next time
The next person

The next night of angish waiting in the dark to happen 

There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

               Sometimes in life
                 You run across a love unknown
                   without a reason it seems like you belong
                    Hold on dear life
                      Dont go off runnin' from whats new
                       I became somebody through lovin you

And a thousand times I
Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"
Why am I taking so long to say this?
But trust me, I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know

               Warm was the sun that covered my bodys so
                 Reminded me of you as I first known
                   Those were the days
                     The days that changed my life
                       and made me new
                        I became somebody through lovin you

How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
how you not gonna see it?

"The writing for us has been on the wall for a time i feel
But both of us where to blind to see it.
True, its hard To let go
But its harder sometimes to admit it

That simple truth hidden behind easily spun lies
Or mis-fabricated thoughts from the narrowed minded
Of a soul, lost in his own mis-reality to see the true meaning of everything thats spoken

If you never meant to do that, i never meant to over-react the way i did
That is not the way i planned to say My tearful goodbye
But my emotions got the better of me again
Not the first time i've had to say that about something involving us
And philosophically, not the last time either.

How do you know?
Sometimes you never do till its too late and the damage is already done.
Sometimes you don't know quite... The best way to say it
Sometimes you dont even know it.

But yes, it is about time to walk down seperate roads... I believe that time started along time ago...
I just never realised it.

In reality. You, My first angel have done nothing wrong.

Everything blew up through my misunderstanding and misreading of the situation.

People come and people go, the only thing that ever remains true are our values. And maybe ours didnt match enough to fit each other's lifestyles
Maybe we are just to different people

-sighs and wipes a small tear from his eye-
Promise me Leanne
No matter what you do
No matter where you go
Smile
For true love for you is just a whisker away.

Enjoy life
You deserve it

I couldn't think of a more fitting person who does.

But maybe, this is the time for our long... and final goodbyes"

Mistaken are fools who believe they can kill the beast
And misguiden are mortals who dare underestimate the value of God's will, in all its infinite glory

Ride on the sweetest hors, dear Wrath
And taste the fury that is bestowed apon you for entering the gate's of forbidden life

To the other existance, we shall fly
Scream our insecurities to our lover's soul
As they play each other for thier saviour's soul
Just because you can see more of the true me, sweet child
It means FUCK all
You have barely begun to touch the surface
I am the spirit of Wrath itself, after all
A cardinal sin in all but body.

I await my unleashing day with The Horsemen
Then a few female fuckwits will be my first call
Don't say i wouldn't do anything for you human
I am the historic you
A guide through hell, to help myself return my goal

Inhuman actions with lead to human damnation
But to see my sweet Jenovah past the gates
Through all knowledge
I can only wish

Live with me, use my rationality
Or be damned
Because of a whore from the past
Fooling you again

Inhumane actions lead to the damnation of human souls
Looking through the light, and the glass, i see that good apollo is ill-fated
But this is just a folly
A war torn folly
Of a solider who long missed the blood of battle, which ended because of the mark of peace drawn under a snow white sky

I've spilt blood and draw lines in the sands of time with my actions
But for nothing
I've lost my life to the bleak and narrow dark streets
That shall haunt me forever
The people i killed as i went into battle
For an amoral cause
And it burns my skull. The death of my self into this rightous self-rightousness
It makes no sense to me

For too long now, i have been standing in the darkness
And i have taken death in as my ally
And my last resort

Until the angel came

She took all the darkness i had away
And made me aware that there was more to life that the ending of the breathing of the ones you hate
I have found a saving grace
You dont know the horrors of the dark until you have seen the majesty of the light
Light is the eternal forgiveness of a shining star
And the dark is the damnation of the forever raging beast
Uncontrolable, un-fathomable
It has no fear
But it fears what it doesnt understand

The Light and The Dark
Forever fighting for the valor of its followers
And the death of its enemies

I am, a warrior of the light, an a disiple of the dark
The death alchemist some call me
But my name is forever etched in my skin along with the names of the people's lives i've taken

Shibo No Renkinjutsushi

The night's sky falls over the town like the force of the sound into my brain
Watching the stars over here, will i ever feel normal, will i ever be the same?
Because you are the angel, your the light inside of me
Pulling at my strings, pushing the hatred out of me

Your like the Hell's fire on my Angel Wings, and its
A sure starta for the heart of the fire
A pure thing, its gunna rock the centre
And i know that this will never be the same

Diesease, famine, pestilance, i see it everywhere i turn, burning inside it hurts, it burns
Watching the fire as it rains down from the sky
Hold me so near to you, hold me so tight
Im scared that this hatred will bring the worst out of me

And Your like the Hell's fire on My Angel wings
A sure starta for the heart of the fire
A pure thing, its gunna rock the centre
And i know that this never be the same
That the heat will make us go insane
Bring on the cold, the dark of the light
Fuck the narrow, the darkest delight
Come on dear fellow, ill burn you tonight.

She said to me, you better stop your search
You've be deluded now, for so long its beginning to hurt
You need to sort yourself out boy, before she comes home
Back to where she belongs, and you should be there
Hurt her and ill hurt you
Desert her and you'll know what ill do
She loves you with more than her soul,
Be a fool and you'll see the FALL

HELLS FIRE FALLING ON MY ANGEL WINGS
POURING THE TRAUMA, THE PAIN FROM BEFORE
NIGHTS FIRE, IT CRINGS AS IT DESTORTS
THE FEELINGS THEY HURT, THEY'RE FUCKING IMPURE

It's two long years now and times have changed,
But still the words of before so intact remain
The fire's delight of my dancing heart
This time might now my world will start
To change the angles of the angel's of the night
I have once fucked a change to put my mistakes right
But i wont let them demons haunt me no more
They are the first, and last, the souls of the impure

Hell's fire falling on my Angel wings
Pouring the trauma, the violent delight of the gore
Night's fire, buring so brightly as it destrots in my mind
The feelings of pain are fading, but remain impure

I never broke that promise, i just made it to someone new
A second, and third turning moment. Some new chance to turn the screw
With the gun of the emotional psyonic in-bound
The elder goddess i love, i'll have the fucker who hurt her found
Just to get my sweet revenge for the anger i've brewed
Everything has changed in two years, but nothing seems new.

Hell's fire is here again
Grab the sword
Time to fly
Time to mend